Witless (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

I'm afraid the murder you witnessed was part of a gang-related feud over the sale of bootleg cigarettes.
Until this goes to trial, you'll both be granted protected witness status.
You're saying we need to go into witness protection? From now on, I need you to only use these names.
Sarah Penn.
Lisa Smith.
Look, I've got a job for yous, ain't I? It's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.
They need taking out.
- Have any of you lads ever handled one of these before? - Yeah.
Yeah, of course, man.
Hiya, Jackie.
- All right.
- Nice weather we're having.
Telly said it was going to piss it down.
Are you taking the piss? Police are here, Gaz, want to talk to you.
I'd like to take Gareth down to the station, if you don't mind, Mrs Pugh.
'To make a formal statement.
' Has anyone been down to speak to you about anything? Nah.
That's weird, mate, cos .
.
I thought I saw the 5-0 outside your house earlier.
There's a mole in the police.
'Your location has been compromised.
' Shit! Oh, bums.
Jackie! Jackie.
Jackie! Rhona, guard the door.
- Rhona! - Yes, sorry.
- Jackie! Oh, my God, I'm a murderer.
I've got blood on my hands.
Like Blair, only without the property portfolio.
- What are you doing? - Calling an ambulance.
- No, wait, they'll put me in jail.
- Rhona, we've got to.
- Oh, God! - Look, you shot her through a closed door.
She didn't even see you.
Ambulance, please.
Great, I'm not just a murderer, I'm a competent murderer! Yeah, a lady's been shot.
39 Woodbridge Court, Swindon.
Please come quickly.
Leanne.
Shit.
There's a guy out there looking at the flat, Rhons.
I'm not being funny.
I think that's him.
I think that's the baddie.
Christ! How are we going to get out of here? And what are we going to say happened? Oh, my God.
- I think she's breathing.
- Really? I think her tits are moving up and down.
Right, we need to shoot one another.
- What? - Just in the foot or something, as a cover story.
We'll say that a guy came, shot us all, and then he went.
Rhons, I think there's an argument for saying let's not shoot any more people.
We've got no choice.
Here.
Shoot me in the foot.
- I Are you? - Shoot me in the foot.
- Wait! - Oh, thank God.
- It needs to be through the door.
Shoot me in the foot through the door.
- Don't let go of that towel.
- I'm not.
- Rhona? - Hurry up! Hang on.
Can't we just say we came home and found her like this? Yeah.
- Yeah, that works too.
Cool.
- OK.
He's just sort of hanging around, watching.
He's smoking.
I knew he was the bad guy.
Ambulance is here.
Leanne.
Now leave this to me.
Jesus Christ! Lord take vengeance on the bastards that have done this.
- What's the patient's name? - Jackie.
Jackie, love.
Can you hear me? OK, heart's beating, I've got a pulse.
We just came in and found her like this.
I mean, I'm no detective, but it was probably just a drifter going from town to town.
We're coming with you, Jackie.
Don't worry.
Every step of the way.
Actually, it's probably best if you stay here.
- Police are on their way.
- Oh, Christ in heavens above! All right, fine.
You can come.
Stay with my voice, Jackie.
I won't let the angels have you yet.
What about Charlie Little Pockets? Charlie bloody Little Pockets can look after himself.
Follow that fucking ambulance there.
'Mummy! 'Pyjama bottoms back on, please.
' 'Mummy! 'Bottoms on now.
'Bottoms on.
I'm going to count to three.
'One, two' Three minutes and I want it all cleared away.
This had better be good.
I'm at a bake sale.
- 'Is that Detective Wilton?' - Speaking.
Who's this? My name's PC Creswell, over at Swindon.
We've had an incident at an address which the system's telling us you've got an operational interest in.
'39 Woodbridge Court.
' - What sort of incident? - 'A shooting.
One IC1 female,' - mid-40s, large build, believed to be a neighbour from - 'OK.
' There are two residents at the property.
Two IC1 females accompanied the victim to hospital.
An officer is being dispatched to intercept them there.
- OK.
Listen carefully.
- Brown Owl Those two women are witnesses in an active investigation.
Now, this shooting is almost certainly an attempt on their lives.
Brown Owl, can I go to the toilet? Yeah, yeah, go, go.
Tell the officer to reassure them of their safety, bring them into the Swindon station, and I'll collect them there myself personally.
Oh, my God.
Right, guess how many former Big Brother contestants are on the sex offenders register? Male and female.
As soon as we get news about Jackie, we need to get out of here.
- That guy could've followed us.
- Rhona, we're in a hospital.
There's no safer place to get shot.
Ladies.
Am I right in thinking you'd be the two ladies - who came in here with a gunshot victim? - Yes.
I am aware of your situation.
Leanne Stubbs.
Rhona Fairburn.
This must've been tremendously upsetting for you both.
If you'd like to come down to the car, I'll take you down to the station.
You're completely safe now.
Yeah, thank you, that's such a relief.
Before we go though, we would just like to .
.
pray.
Yes, it's something we picked up living in Dubai, and we never really got out of the habit of it, did we, Rhons? Five a day, like with fruit and veg.
They do say it's harder to quit than smoking Islam.
We'll meet you back here.
Don't go anywhere, will you? - What do you think? - We can't trust him.
He could be the mole.
Or he could be working with the mole.
How did he know our names? Maybe he knows DC Wilton.
Maybe she's the mole? Maybe they're all the mole.
He wants us to get in a car with him.
Fuck that.
- I'm scared, Rhona.
- Me too.
Why do they call it a mole? Is it after the animal or the freckles that give you cancer? We need to get out of here, fast.
OK.
Good session? - Yes, thank you.
- I think faith's important, don't you, officer? I mean, we can argue about which one's right, but at the end of the day, they all boil down to the same thing.
Bad people who hurt others will pay for it in eternal damnation, - don't you think so? - I certainly hope so, yes.
Now, if you'd like to follow me to the car.
So, how am I going to do that? Excuse me.
That's the onions, I'm afraid, Linds.
You've got your mother to thank for that, Adrian.
Giving me onions.
I like them, they don't like me.
Actually I could just do with popping to Smith's to get a chocolate bar - because I'm hungry.
- And diabetic.
And diabetic.
Not to mention diabetic.
I've got a Toffee Crisp in the car.
You can have that.
My treat.
Actually, I need to go to the Sock Shop concession, down by Costa, to buy a pair of pants.
I'm not too proud to admit, having survived an assassination attempt, that it's not very nice down there.
I've been fresher.
There'll be a shower and a change of clothes waiting for you down at the station.
Let's just get to the car, shall we? - Er, actually, there is just one other thing.
- What? I need to I mean Run! Sorry! God.
First murder, now assaulting an officer.
I'm basically Raoul Moat.
What? - It's him, I'm sure it's him.
- Who? Sulky guy.
The guy I saw hanging around outside our flat.
Shit.
Shit! Hello.
Who are you? I'm Dr Purso.
- Mrs? - Harris.
Mrs Harris, I'm the specialist old lady doctor on this ward.
This is Nurse Goodfaith.
Nurse, would you check the patient's notes for me? What's the CBX count? - 50.
- Good.
CBX count? No-one's ever mentioned that before.
Honestly, this place is run like a bloody zoo.
Can't wait to get back to Harley Street and start making some proper coin.
Before you go, doctor, I've been having a twinge in my left breast.
Can you check it for me? That's more nurse territory.
If you'd like to pop your top off, Nurse Goodfaith will have a feel for you.
Wilton.
Yeah, hello.
Yes, I'm just on my way now.
They've what? Absconded? OK, let's go.
Wait.
He's coming back! Hello, I'm the doctor, and she's the nurse.
Answer it.
Hello? Who's this? Rhona, it's DC Wilton at North Meads station.
Rhona, I know about what's happened.
I'm so sorry.
Let me assure you we're doing everything we can to find out how this could've happened.
We know why this happened.
- We were tipped off.
- I'm sorry? Someone called us to say that our location had been revealed - by the police.
- By the police? - No, no.
Hang on.
- 'There's a mole in the police.
' Someone working for the gang.
Maybe more than one.
Maybe even you.
Suffice it to say we no longer feel safe under your protection.
- Can we just meet? - From here on in, we'll be going it alone.
Rhona? "Suffice it to say?" "From here on in?" - What is going on, Rhona? - Give me your phone.
Fuck the police.
That's what's going on.
Just Rhona and Leanne? Wait, is that the hand you wiped the old lady's tit with? I've sanitised.
Right, let's get out of here.
Shit.
Rhona.
Disguises.
Yes, but stealing, law, morals.
Polyester.
Rhona, this is life or death.
Needs must.
No jewellery, no valuables, and we post the stuff back to the hospital when we're done.
Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
There it is.
Right, we need to think about names, accents and What? Leanne, I told you to check.
Right, we're going to have to put them back.
Hang on a minute.
This guy, he'll be in overnight, right? Eyes shut, lots of machines and, between me and you, I had a quick swizz down his chart he ain't coming out.
I think we've found a bed for the night.
Fuck it.
Listen, I'm sure I saw 'em, but Fuck.
So, what, do you fancy a kebab, then? My uncle's been in one time, right, said he saw a rat.
A rat.
And the guy working there picked it up, snapped its neck, chucked it in the bin, touching up all the salad Fucking move, you silly old twats.
And he's touching up the salad and that.
Now, if there's one thing I'm big on it's hygiene.
You don't touch rats and then touch up people's doner kebabs, do you know what I mean? 'Message deleted.
Next new message.
' 'Gareth, it's Mum.
Where are you? Your tea's going cold.
' 'Message deleted.
' 'Gareth.
Your tea's in the bin.
Will you get yourself home? 'Now, please.
' 'Message deleted.
' 'Gareth, I'm not being funny.
Give me a ring.
Or text.
'It's getting late now.
' 'Message deleted.
' 'Gaz, love, can you give me a ring, please? 'You're not in any trouble, just give us a ring.
' 'Message deleted.
' Shit.
There must be a Mrs Ambrose.
Well, why don't we just go in anyway and if she sees us we'll just tell her we're her daughters and she's got dementia? Yes! I love camping.
Night, Rhons.
Night.
Are you thinking about Jackie? - Yeah.
- Cos you shot her? Yeah.
Bless.
You know, if you want to talk about it I'm always here.
Thanks, Leanne.
You know, I think even as a child I was always Oh, bums.
NO PRÓXIMO EPISÓDIO Balls.
Why did we have to break into a caravan? Right, Gareth Pugh's gone missing.
You gotta take out these witnesses.
Finish the fucking job.
- Oh, my God, it's the wrong key! - Hurry up!