Workaholics s02e01 Episode Script

Whoo! That is a mom butt right there-- - long and low.
- Whoa.
Daddy likes mom butts.
Have you guys ever looked at your checks before? - Direct deposit, dude.
- No.
No, I haven't.
It's bizarro, man.
It says I only get, like, half of my money here.
Seriously? Who's fica? Why am I paying him $55? "Meeda-- meed-a-care"? I don't even know what that is.
That's not even a real thing.
All right, guys.
They're taxes.
- Ders, what are taxes? - Yeah.
Uh, society-- it's a big pie, right? - We got to help cook it? - Yeah.
Okay.
You guys know brackets - Basketball, you know? - Yeah, no, I know those.
So it's progressive bracketology.
- You're losing me, bud.
- Yeah.
Taxes They pay for roads, like, fire trucks, schools, this park.
Really? So my tax money paid for this whole park right here? - Yes.
Yeah.
- That's awesome.
So you're saying that we paid for everything at this park? - Yeah.
- We paid for the sand? Mm-hmm.
Well, fine, then I'm taking some.
So we paid for that slide and that swing set and that bench over there, right? - I'm an owner? - Yeah, you're owning.
That'sI like that.
Taxes are cool.
We definitely own that, then Right? Oh, yeah, we do.
Taxes rule! I forgot my paycheck.
Turn around.
I'm fresh you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta you gotta be fresh Well, I think we can officially say this house is now a home.
Can you ys imagine going to a bar and telling a babe, "Uh, yeah, you know, I got a dragon at my house"? "You should come over, play with my dragon.
" And my and that's also another term for my dick.
Oh, you know what we need to do? - Name him.
- Yeah.
Yes, but it's got to be something hard.
- It is badass.
- Yeah, very badass.
Hello, "Cee Lo Green.
" Ooh, I like that.
What about "Ivan drago-n," like the guy who had the sinister flattop? "Reptar," right? From Rugrats.
- That's badass, dude.
- Yeah.
That was such a Tommy move by me by naming him that.
- It's so Tommy.
- Wait.
Should I get a flattop? I really feel like you guys aren't hearing me.
I came up with the perfect name.
It's "Cee Lo Green.
" He has those Those short, T-Rex arms, and, I mean, he's a thug.
He was in goodie mob.
So that's a "no" on the flattop? Hey, [Bleep.]
the dragons! - What? - Hey, hey, hey! Watch your mouth! This is a family neighborhood! Yeah! You, dickhead! Yeah, you got a problem with Reptar, you got a problem with me! Did you see that poseur with the skateboard? Hey, skateboarder dude, why don't you, uh, find a real identity? 'Cause you're lying to yourself.
I'm a taxpayer! What are you? A sax player in the band, you idiot? Oh, get 'em.
Yeah, probably.
That's a cool instrument.
- Nerd! - Nerd! Let's, uhLet's finish drinking some beers, because the sweetest revenge is living well.
Darius rucker said it, so you know it's real.
- I miss Darius rucker.
- You're right.
- Let's cool our guns.
- Love that song.
- He was in bush, right? - I think not.
What do you say we finish these beers and, uh, celebrate at the bar? - I like it.
- I like that idea.
Dibs on your hair gel, dude.
Our dragon is gonna seal the deal, cee lo green style.
Yeah, definitely.
But his name's Reptar.
But it's actually cee lo green.
Don't make me swing on you, bro.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you're gonna swing on me? - All right, all right.
- I'll swing on Okay, everyone's a tough guy! - Everybody's a tough guy! - Swing on you, bro.
How about I swing right over the top? Kiya! Kiya! Watch it, bro.
I got the meanest uppercut in freaking cucamonga.
Let it all out, little guy.
Oh, nice! Good distance.
Good work, bud.
Proud of you.
Ders! Ders, wake up! Wake up! What's up? We going to the bar? - They're robbing us! - Oh, my God.
What? No! Cee lo! I got to get a photo.
I'm gonna get the plates.
- Coming for you! - What are you doing? - Ders! - Wait.
What are you doing? - Ders, grab! - What are you doing? Help! Grab me.
Don't let go! - What are you doing? - Don't let go! I got you.
I got you.
I got you.
You all right? Reptar! - I got a picture.
- Did you take it for me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Reptar! Oh, damn it.
The camera was the wrong way.
- Reptar! - Oh, my gosh.
You look just like that guy who was raping his kids in the basement in Austria.
I know.
I know.
It's the eyebrows.
Camera was backwards.
Okay, so what do we got? Three suspects One I'm almost pretty sure was wearing a letterman's jacket.
- A letterman's jacket.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, good.
Car? - Too drunk to see cars.
- I was still vomiting.
That was pretty impressive.
That was a world record maybe.
Yeah, well, I told you.
Time it.
One stopwatch.
We'll buy that.
Uh, what else? Oh, I did find this A filtered clove cigarette, which lets me know there has to be at least one poseur involved in this equation.
One clove, one poseur.
Okay, so what are we thinking? Head down to the school, bust some skulls, pull some rip-and-runs? Eh, you know what? I think for once, muscle's not our best play.
- We got to be smart.
- Yep.
We got to be sneaky.
Going undercover.
Check it out.
I brought some disguises.
Whoa! Cool! - Good idea.
- No.
I like that.
Underclassman them Very smart.
Here's my only concern.
Ders looks old as.
Let's be honest.
Look at that face.
It's very old and wrinkly looking.
No, it's not.
It's smooth.
Uh, but we're not going undercover.
So why don't we go talk to the principal like normal people, bossmen-to-bossman? - Principals.
- Yeah.
If we want justice, we have to take it into our own hands.
Mm-hmm, we got to go, "where's the statue?" And they're like, "oh, don't hit You're so much stronger than me.
Don't hit me.
" This is blood, and then they tell us where the statue is.
- That's the rip-and-runs.
- Oh, okay.
- But also undercover, though.
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna drive unless we do it my way.
- Well, then we walk.
- Then I'm out.
Then we go to the principal's office.
Great.
This school has, like, a real-deal football squad.
This guy, their quarterback, quaid Franklin He's just awesome.
He's, like, so cool.
Hey, uh, hi.
Uh, we need to see the principal, pronto.
It's an emergency.
Do you have an appointment? Just tell him Adam demamp from telamericorp is here to see him.
I'm sorry.
If you don't have an appointment, - you have to leave.
- Wow.
Really? That's weird, because as a taxpayer, I'm almost positive that I pay your salary.
Right, Ders? Yeah, absolutely right.
So you kind of work for us, lady.
Chop, chop.
Look, three of your students stole a statue that we as taxpayers legally stole from a public park.
- Taxpayers.
- Mm-hmm.
So what do you guys do? Do you coordinate with the fuzz? Do you work alone? Rip-and-runs, bust some skulls? - I'm happy to rip-and-run.
- I have your information.
There's the door.
Use it.
Oh, "use it"? Okay.
Well, we might as well, since, as taxpayers, we own that door.
- We own that door.
- We own that door.
- Okay? - Yeah.
You know what? You're fired! - You're fired! - You're done here.
- You're fired! - You're done! Hey, let's take this door.
We're taking this door.
- Let's take the door out.
- We're taking this door.
- Get the hinges.
- Let's take the - You're fired, lady.
- That's for you.
You're never gonna teach again! The boys are fresh Oh! Jnco's are coming back hard, dude.
- Look at these.
- They are back.
- Yeah.
- Gorgeous.
You look like Russell brand.
Both you guys look cool.
I want a disguise.
Okay, well, this is plan "b"Plan Blake.
We should have done it right off the bat.
This is what I'm gonna do.
I'm just gonna hang out here, kind post up, looking like a poseur.
Dig around for dirt with my mind shovel.
Ah, good call.
I'm gonna go find the football players, since they're, like, the popular and attractive crowd.
I'll slide right in undetected, just like I did in high school.
Wait, you hung out with the jocks in high school? - Yes.
- Okay.
What about you, Ders? Can't run around looking like that.
You're gonna get hired as a science teacher.
You're a funny guy.
I wouldn't worry about me, okay? Last night I watched coach Carter, picked up a few pointers.
I think I'll be fine.
In fact, I'm gonna go straight to the source, where the bebe kids be at.
Dang! What's up with all these books? Hang on, son.
You here for detention? Nah, man, I'm here for the Booty-scratching contest.
Come on, man.
Keep up, keep up.
Not playing today.
Jokes all day.
Damn.
Where'd you learn how to draw like that? Will you do my name next? It's Shawn-Ders.
And yours is? What's up, dudes? Want a clove? No, we're good, man.
You know what I like to do? Get together with some of my close dude friends, share a clove, steal statues.
You guys ever do anything exactly like that ever? Can't say that we have.
Nice mustache, by the way.
Thank you.
What's up, big dog? Want a clove? Here, try.
Oh, I get it.
Coach probably doesn't like you smoking, huh? But you don't care, do you? 'Cause you're a bad dude.
You like getting into trouble, stealing stuff Maybe a statue? Talk to me, big man.
Yo, get the hell away from me, you poseur.
No doubt.
No doubt.
Definitely.
What up, dogs? Yeah, man.
What's up? I'm Adam demamp.
I just transferred from the other school that's pretty far away from here.
Um Little bit about me.
I train with kettle bells and my favorite movies are notorious and blow, so I'm, like, a Just real.
I'm soA real dude like you guys.
Hey, what's up, dudes, babe? Whoa.
You're quaid Franklin.
You're so good at football, dude.
I read this whole paper about you.
He's going to Nebraska next year.
It'sYou're the man, dude.
Yeah, who are you? I'mI'm Adam demamp.
I just introduced myself, but They used to call me meat Mountain in high school.
Yo, dudes.
There's this nerd in the bathroom that's trying to, likeI don't know Dudes or something.
That's one thing that I hate--nerds! Right? Ugh! Let's go pound this nerd! Quaid, let's go pound this nerd Me and you, bro! Bash bros! Bash bros! Let's go, quaid and Adam! Let's go, wolves.
Let's go! Hey, man, how come you're here? Me? I was stealing, man.
Got caught up stealing statues.
You ever steal statues, man? You ever steal, like, a, uh A dragon statue? - Excuse me.
- Huh? Please be quiet.
Thank you.
Man, I didn't even do anything.
Dang! Okay? That's it.
You know, Shawn-Ders - What? - That's it.
- We're going to the office.
- Okay.
Give me your I.
D.
Let's see it.
You know anything about a stolen statue? - We're going to the office.
- Man, stop.
Get off me, dude! How about we give your parents a call? What? Okay, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm not Shawn-Ders, okay? Let's go, wolves! Let's go-- oh! Wrong guy.
That's We should go check another bathroom.
No, no, no.
That's him.
And it's time to whup his ass.
No! Or hear me out.
We could really punish this perv Aaaand Give him a swirly.
- All right.
- Yeah! I just washed my hair.
Come on.
Hold on.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Everybody out now! Good thing I had this chain.
Might have lost my wallet.
Go, wolves.
Gentlemen, this is a high school.
I could have you thrown in jail.
Yeah, a jail we pay for with our taxpayer money.
- Right, Ders? - Correct-o-mundo.
No, that's not cor Good God, you smell.
So, what, some of my students stole a dragon from you? Cee lo green.
She was classy and beautiful.
His name's "Reptar.
" Well, I imagine they did this because we're playing the dragons this weekend Our big rival.
You didn't think to notify surrounding community members with dragon statues? That makes sense to me.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Good afternoon, rc South.
It has come to my attention that some students have stolen property from our residential neighbors A dragon statue.
Now, if the statue is not returned within a week, the pep rally will be canceled.
So, if you want to have a pep rally, please return the statue to What's your damn address? Hey, let's show the community what the wolves are really made of.
Good day.
Nope.
- God! - There we go.
Dude, are you smoking those for real now? Yeah, they calm my nerves.
I mean, I saw my life flush before my eyes today.
Okay, just keep the smoke out the door, man.
Yeah, lose the scarf, too.
You look like you're in What the hell? Ah! What the Go We're under attack! I am about to get my game on This is war.
We're going to war now.
We just got to start war.
Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have gave away our home address.
Guys, look! Get him.
Did that look awesome? Uh, yeah! But you are in poop water, dude.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Welcome to the club, dickhead! Where's Reptar? I don't know what you're talking about.
The dragon, you bitch! And he has a name, and it's actually cee lo green.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it is isn't.
- I swear to God I don't know.
I only came here tonight 'cause it's what everyone was doing.
Give me a break, little guy.
If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you do that, too? Huh? Sometimes I don't know.
That's actually really sad.
It is sad.
Peer pressure, it's a very real thing at their age.
But where's the dragon, you bitch? I don't know about any dragon.
I was only trying to fit in.
I'm just the fat kid.
They dared me to poop! You got to believe me! I believe you.
Guys, can we have the room? Lucky I don't swing on you, fool! Swing on you so bad.
All right, all right, all right.
Come on, dry off.
Sorry about those dudes.
It's just, uh, they love that dragon.
I love it.
It's crazy.
You ever had anything stolen from you? I lost a bike once.
I went in for a snapple, I came out, and it was gone.
Yeah, I'll bet.
What kind of snapple? I don't remember.
Me neither.
See? We're not so different, you and me.
So why don't you just go ahead and tell me where my dragon is? All right.
A couple of the guys are taking it to a party to chop it up.
Okay, where's the party? You know the panda express on Camilla road right before the freeway? Yeah, I do.
They're at a weird white house with a red door right across from that.
If you hurry, you'll get there just in time.
Ready to talk now? - Oh, my God! - Huh, tough guy? Hey, yo, demamp, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, but All right, let's go figure out how to put this back in the 'vo.
- We came here - To do what? Here we are, boys.
We ready to do this? I say we go inside and show these pricks what happens when you mess with the best friend brigade.
- That's us.
- Yeah, baby, let's do this.
Wait.
Let's do this right.
Your katana, sir.
You just I mean, just, uh Right.
Right.
Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Get out.
You didn't see me with the sword? - I was gonna flick it - No, it was great.
It was really cool.
Game's over, little Girls, what's going on here? Oh, sweet Jesus.
The principal was in on it the whole time? No, Adam, I think that chubby dude played us.
Yuh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
Again, we're sorry, principal senn.
It just, uh, those kids - I don't understand 'em.
- They're insane.
They're just terrible people, and I don't know how you do it, wes.
Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic.
Cool dad.
- Nice.
- One for the road, boys? - Yeah.
- All right.
Ders, take us home.
We got a fat boy that needs a jump.
Let's do it.
Again, take care.
Hey.
We hope you find your dragon.
Thank you, ladies.
And we think you're hair is really cute.
Still got it.
Play on, player.
That's it.
Somebody's getting the tongan death grip.
Hey, what's going on? I live here.
You don't.
Might have to swing on a fool.
Gonna double up on a guy.
Whoa.
Party's closed, boys.
Quaid, what up, dude? It's demamp.
Bash bros.
Remember that from earlier? You can't come in.
Hey, where you want me to put these beers? Ah, wherever, dude.
But, uh, stay out of the front bedroom.
Deandre's banging leila strachan in there.
Dude, chick's on pace to bang everyone tonight, you know? I can smell the coochie already.
Oh, where'd he learn that? In my--in the front bedroom? That'sThat's my bedroom.
That's awesome.
- That's cool, dude.
- That's cool.
Okay, I get it.
You took over our house.
Very good.
Good job.
But where's the dragon statue and Ah! Ow! Ow! You're not getting in.
That is it.
I'm calling the cops.
Nobody smokes in my house.
Ow! Ow! Don't, please! Ow! You know what? You set us up.
We drove out to that house.
Ha ha.
That's awesome.
Did you say hi to principal senn? You wish.
Ow! Oh! That wasn't even a Wasn't Here's the deal.
You call the cops, and we'll be back here every weekend for the rest of your lives.
We'll pass it down from class to class like a tradition or some gay [Bleep.]
Like that, or you get lost, let us party tonight, and we'll call things even.
What about our statue? Bad news.
- He's totally decapitated.
- Ouch.
All right.
Uh, here's what I'm gonna do.
Since we ruined your statue, I'll let you bros party.
- Thank you.
- All right, yeah.
However, couple of rules Head to the back and stay there.
Beer only, and don't talk to Ashley.
She belongs to aj.
I bet she's hot.
I bet she's hot.
And if you decide to grow some balls and break my rules, my homey will light you up.
- Okay.
All right.
- Cool.
- All right, cool.
- We got it.
We got it.
- Thank you so much.
- All right.
Five bucks a cup.
LikeOh, okay.
- Plus tax or whatever? - What? No.
- Well, thank you.
- Cool.
- No taxes.
- Wow, no taxes.
Wow, you guys are rich or something.
All right, hey, you know what? My treat.
But you owe me later, so All right, have a good time.
Hey, thank you guys so much.
Thank you.
This is really cool.
We really appreciate it.
- Thank you very much.
- Don't be douches, dudes.
Hey, did anybody want a clove? Oh, man.
Alright.