Wrecked (2016) s02e01 Episode Script
Ransom
1 Wouldn't it be crazy if this plane just [Screaming.]
Last season on "Wrecked" - We crashed, man! - We're all gonna die! - Hey, no one is gonna die, okay? - [Screaming.]
All the airline food and first-aid stuff - It's all just gone? - It's a real nut punch.
The worst kind of punch Right on the nut.
Owen: We are one step away from living like apes.
Why don't we go hunting? And when it comes Boom, boom! [Laughs.]
[Imitates wind whistling.]
[Imitates gun firing.]
- [Roars.]
- [Screaming.]
Florence: I think we need an election.
The new leader of the island Steve! We're creating a new society.
Who's to say what sort of legal system we should be using? I just figured we'd do it like on "Law & Order.
" Yeah, I like that show.
Throw him in the pit! This is effed up! You freaks! I've done unspeakable things.
Whatever you did, it can't be that bad.
- I ate a dude! - Holy sh wow.
Okay.
We are all slowly dying on this hellhole! [Bleep.]
you, island! [Screaming.]
I'm sorry! We're not leaving the island! - [Gunshot.]
- [All gasp.]
Did he just kill Turdhole? - I stuffed up, okay? - [Sobs.]
- There's a ship! - We're saved! [Cheering.]
The truth is we're not actually fishermen We're pirates, mother [bleep.]
[Screaming.]
- Danny Wallace? - You don't know who this is? His family's worth billions! Seriously, you need to come with us or we're going to shoot all your friends otherwise.
[Waves crashing.]
Son of a bitch! I'm taking another shot.
Hey, come on, Dick.
That's not the way the game's played.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
Did I not bail your company out of a $300 million cluster [bleep.]
last year? You did.
- I'm sorry.
I-I-I-I didn't hear you.
- You did.
Well, then if it's okay with you two jagwagons, I'm gonna take another shot.
[Clears throat.]
- Dad! - [Grunts.]
God damn it, Margot! I was right in the middle of a shot.
It's Danny.
They're calling off the search.
Well, that's that, then.
What? Dad, what if he's still out there? I'm not paying for a waste of time.
He's your son.
I've been losing money on your brother since the day he was born.
Frankly, that plane going down was the best thing that ever happened to our legacy.
[Scoffs.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go fish my ball out of a goddamn lake, like some kind of itinerant [grunts.]
- Dad? - [Grunts.]
- Oh, my God! - Holy shit! Dick! [Clank.]
Oh, thank God.
[Somber organ music plays.]
I am so sorry for your loss, Margot.
Thank you, Tom.
I don't mean to pester, but there's still the matter of the will.
I need to know how you want me to classify the disappearance of your brother.
Tom, my father just passed.
It can wait.
Of course.
As for my brother I know in my heart of hearts that somewhere, somehow, he's alive.
Danny! Get over here now or I'm going to shove this gun up your asshole! Whoo! - [Rapid gunfire.]
- [Laughs.]
Get in the boat, or I'll kill everybody! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You know, I think that this is all just a big misunderstanding.
Yeah, Danny is not the son of a billionaire.
Wh What are you talking about? Look at him.
You don't let yourself go like this if you've got money.
Right? I mean, look at his shoes.
Nobody chooses shoes like these.
- Ah.
- Look at his teeth! They're all crooked and yellow.
These are poor-people teeth! - Also, Danny is fat.
- What? Not like an, "I love life" fat, but like a fast-food fat.
You know what? Shut the [bleep.]
up.
We know who you are.
Tell him.
It's true.
- What? - Really? - Cool? We good? - [Chuckles.]
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! IF you're going to take him, you're gonna have to kill me first.
Oh! I didn't think this through! Please don't kill me! Oh, God! Somebody help me, somebody help me, somebody help me! Get ready to die.
You're gonna have to kill me first, too! - For real? - For real.
You're gonna have to kill me first, then him, and then you can take Danny.
You'll also have to kill me first, too, as well.
God, okay.
You know what? Who else wants to die? Let's get that out of the way.
Anyone? [Whispers.]
Todd.
[Quietly.]
No.
- [Whispers.]
Todd.
- No.
Todd! Oh, God damn it.
Fine, me too, I guess, after them.
Put me down, too.
I'm ready to die! - All: Yeah.
- I can die.
Okay, okay, everyone just Just just chill out! Just give us a second to talk, okay? Yo, man, what the hell's wrong with this island?! This is very unsettling, okay? I don't know that I feel comfortable executing, - what, like, 30 people? - And I got to be honest with you.
I don't have enough bullets in the gun to handle this mission.
What? Damn it, man.
This is why you can't be popping off.
Well, I'm sorry.
No, you're not sorry, 'cause we have the same talk.
This is This is me being sorry! I have a plan.
- Whoa! - No, no! Are you crazy?! You pull that out, they're gonna gun us all down.
Yeah, not if I get them all in a row.
Boom one shot right through all their heads.
- What? - It could work.
- Thank you.
That would never work.
- Todd: It might work.
- That is a dumb idea.
- They'd have to be in single file.
- We're not doing that.
- Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! Here's what we're gonna do, all right? We'll have to get back in the dinghy, then we go to the boat, then we get more bullets This is a logistical nightmare, man.
- It's very embarrassing.
- Yes.
Jess: They're not at all how I pictured pirates.
Yeah, I know.
Where's the friggin' parrot? - Neither one of them has a sword.
- Yeah, no sword.
They're not cartoons.
They are like "Captain Phillips" pirates! - Mm, no.
- Uhh, sorry to break it to you, but "Captain Phillips" was just a movie.
It's a true story.
I think you're thinking of "Sully"? Hanks was good in both.
- Yeah, Hanks crushes every film.
- Of course he was.
Of course he was, but shut the eff up.
- "Road to Perdition.
" - Wow.
Listen, and you're not gonna like this, but I think we need to call the Barracuda.
What? No! No, this was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab.
Well, it's not! Okay, I didn't want to tell you this before, but look over there at 2:00.
You see that? You see that? - Is that a body? - Yes, that's a body.
And look, it's fresh.
There's still blood on it.
What is wrong with these people? What, are they murderers? [Grunting.]
What are you seeing? Who's shooting who? Shut up.
Just keep still, you big tree! Okay.
They've got big guns Please! Karen! Sorry.
Sorry.
They look soft.
I think we should We could make a run for it.
People whilin' out here, man.
I'm getting creeped out! - Oh.
- What? - Look.
- What? Oh shit! Are there people in that hole? Are there people in that hole? There's hole people? Oh! Oh, they've seen me! - Okay, let me down! Whoa! - [Thud.]
- There's hole people.
- They have hole people.
We ain't prepared for hole people! I think we need to call the Barracuda.
Okay, fine! Fine.
No popping off.
All right, everybody, listen up! We were gonna be real nice to you guys, but now it's gonna get messy.
We're going to have to bring in our boss the Barracuda.
- [Gasps.]
- Very cool name.
- Y'all in trouble now! - [All gasp.]
[Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing" plays.]
[No audio.]
[Engine sputters.]
[Engine stops.]
[Backfires.]
[Grunts.]
[Bleep.]
Shit.
Ugh.
What's she gonna do? Danny: She gonna jump in the water? [Screams.]
She's in the water.
[Screams.]
Oh, that's gonna be bad.
- All: Oooh! - Shit! [British accent.]
Jet ski's acting up.
- I hate that thing.
- They sold us a lemon! - You know, that was a bad choice.
- We should not have - We shouldn't have bought - We should get our money Ba She's so hot.
She's so hot.
Now, what seems to be the problem? - This.
- [All gasp.]
Either you take us all home, or I blow your head off.
W-What is she doing? What are you doing? Owen, what is she doing?! I don't know, man.
[Gasps.]
[Gasps, groans.]
[Groaning continues.]
You're not afraid to die.
And if I shoot you, then your men will gun us down.
So, what you're saying is, I should just give you the gun and then pray that you let us live? [Breathing shakily.]
- [Sobbing.]
- [All murmuring.]
- What a bitch.
- I'm so sorry.
Ladies, gentlemen, I am the Barracuda, and this is my island now.
But that means you're my guests.
No reason we can't be civilized.
I mean, she's, like, glowing.
- It's confidence, is what it is.
- Yeah.
You.
The doughy one.
You're hurt.
Bandana, tend to his wounds.
Tank Top, prepare my quarters.
Who's the dead man? Th-That's Turdhole.
His name is Turdhole? Y-Yeah.
Yeah.
That's hilarious.
[Sighing.]
Oh, my God.
Who killed him? [Grunts.]
Oh, God! They're coming! Pretend we're dead! - [Screams.]
- [Thud.]
This is a mass grave.
Everybody, play dead! Get up.
Damn it, Karen! You blinked, didn't you? [Sternly.]
Get up.
You You killed the one they call "Turdhole"? - No.
- Yes, you did.
He came at me, all right?! He was crazy! I didn't have any other option! It was either him You will dig Turdhole's grave and give him a proper burial.
You two, let's talk.
Thanks for not playing dead.
The way I see it, we all want the same thing You want to get home.
I want to ransom Danny here for $10 million.
$10 million? [Scoffs.]
A lot of money.
I've been in the pirate game a long time, and I'm tired.
My ship is old, and my men are stupid.
I don't even bother to learn their names anymore.
I just call them by whatever they're wearing.
This ransom is my ticket out, and there's no reason to complicate that by killing everyone, is there? I don't think so.
No, there's not.
We'll call your father, and after he sends the money, we'll have you picked up here All of you.
I mean, that works for me.
[Laughs.]
Danny? He's not going to pay.
- What? - What now? You think this is the first time Dick Wallace has been blackmailed? He doesn't negotiate with terrorists.
Let's see if he makes an exception for his only son.
Capri Pants, my phone.
[Whispering.]
He's got Capri pants on.
[Whispering.]
I saw.
[Beeping.]
[Horns honking in distance.]
[Intercom beep.]
Woman: Excuse me, Miss Wallace? You have a call.
It's for your father.
This is Margot Wallace.
Then there's been a mistake.
I'm looking to speak with a Dick Wallace.
I'm so sorry, but my father's dead.
He, um [clears throat.]
died in a golf cart explosion.
What? Dad's dead?! - Danny?! - [Bee.]
Margot, it's me! I'm alive! - I - [Gun cocks.]
Danny! Danny, where are you? I'm sorry to hear about your father but not as sorry as you'll be if you don't meet my demands.
What? What What demands? Who is this? $10 million, wired to my account, or I shoot your brother right between the eyes.
How do I know it's really him? Ask him something only your brother would know.
Um Danny, when we were 12, I ate a bad meatball and accidentally vomited into your mouth.
Do you remember what you said? I said [Italian accent.]
"Man, that's-a spicy meatball.
" Oh, my God, it's you! Oh, my God! You're alive! Ready the funds.
- We'll call in an hour.
- Wait, wait, wa [ Phone beep.]
Looks like you are going home.
Let me get this straight When Danny's sister pays the ransom, - we get rescued? - Yeah.
And it's all because his shitty dad exploded in a golf cart? Pretty much.
That's amazing! - [Screams.]
- We're going home! - Finally! - [Cheering, laughter.]
Well, that means maybe we can go back to Scottsdale.
It's the greatest city in the world.
[Laughs, sobbing.]
Can you believe it, buddy? We're going home.
My dad's dead.
I mean, he was an asshole, but he was still my dad, you know? [Voice breaking.]
I'm never gonna see him again.
[In rhythm.]
Burn in freaking Hell, - Danny's dumb dad! - Todd! Thanks for the ride, pal! - Whoo, whoo! - Todd! What? Oh.
Sorry, Chumbo.
Karen: O-Kay.
We're ready to bury Turdhole.
Steve finished digging the grave.
[Scoffs.]
Took him long enough.
I mean, four hours to dig one hole? It's ridiculous.
God, I once buried a Maine Coon cat in 15 minutes flat.
31 pounds, this thing.
You would not have believed it.
[Rhythmically.]
A hole through his torso, a hole in our hearts.
Turdhole, dead from a bullet Back to a hole, from a hole he came.
Next up, Turdhole in the sky Okay, thank you, Chet.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much for that poetry.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I'd like to say a few words about Turdhole, if that's all right.
I think you said enough with your gun, you dumb kiwi bastard.
- [Spits.]
- [All agreeing.]
Hey, hey, hey.
He's clearly sorry, okay? Let's just Let's just hear him out.
- Steve? - Thank you.
[Inhales deeply.]
I'll never forgive myself for what I did.
Turdhole was the best of us, and I robbed him of his life.
[Sobbing.]
[Voice breaking.]
But as the saying goes "People don't kill people.
Guns do.
" - You serious? - [All groan.]
Why is everyone yelling at me? What about Karen? Karen didn't murder someone in cold blood, you dick.
Plus, Karen gets us food.
Happy to do it.
Sorry I got weird back there, gang.
Pack: Okay.
Well, that's very sad.
But I think we should put Turdhole to rest.
I'd like to say, uh a few words, I think.
Turdhole's death was unexpected, to say the least, but this one really hits home.
I didn't know Turdhole well, but I know that some of us had a, uh a complicated relationship with him.
He was cold, distant.
Maybe he never told us that he was proud of us, and maybe it felt sometimes like he wanted us to be a different man altogether.
And now that he's gone, you know, it may feel like we'll never be able to say some of the things that we always wanted to say to him, but I know that, deep down underneath it all that That Turdhole loved us, so Okay, I think we've spent enough time here.
Why don't we roll Turdhole in this ditch, huh? - Oh.
- Yep.
[Grunts.]
Hold on, what the hell? Uh, guys, you're gonna want to see this.
- [All murmuring.]
- Oh, my God! Are those Yep, Nazi symbols, tattooed all over his body.
The Nazis famously hated the Jews - killed a ton of them.
- We know, Karen! - Yeah, thank you! - Oh, my God, there's more down here.
What? Ugh.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, God! That looks like Calvin, from the famous comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes," except now he's wearing an SS uniform and peeing on the word "non-whites.
" - Holy shitballs.
- Wow.
Turdhole was a Nazi.
How did we not see this? Hey Turdhole.
Heil.
That means I didn't kill an innocent man.
[Chuckles.]
I killed a Nazi! You hear that? I'm not a murderer! - I'm a hero! - [All disagree.]
- Still a murderer.
- You didn't kill a Nazi.
You killed a guy who happened to be a Nazi.
- Nah, it's the same thing.
- Pack: It's not the same thing.
- I'm like a war hero! - You're definitely not a war hero.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! It's time.
[Phone beeps.]
[Ringing.]
It's ringing! Shut up.
This is Margot.
It's been an hour.
Do we have an agreement? I actually have a counteroffer for you.
I'm listening.
How about instead of $10 million, I give you this [Fart.]
[Fart continues.]
[Fart stops.]
[Farts.]
- [Scoffs.]
- Was that a fart? You're damn right it was a fart.
And that's all that you're getting from me because I'm not paying you a Goddamn dime! [Farts.]
You think we won't kill him? We'll kill him right now! Oh, I hope you do because I just talked to our lawyer, Tom, and it turns out, if Danny comes back alive, he's entitled to over half of my fortune.
What? No.
I'm not sharing with Danny! The best part is that Tom can't say shit because of a little thing called "attorney-client privilege.
" Isn't that right, Tom? I loved your father.
Shut your old man face! Margot, please! Don't do this! [Mocking.]
Margot, please.
Don't do this.
You're such an idiot, Danny! When your plane went down, all I had to do was get rid of Dad and the money was mine.
But you said Dad died in a golf cart explosion.
After I poisoned him! I gave him the heart attack, and then he died in a literal explosion.
It was so awesome.
And now the money's mine.
[Laughs.]
Bye! [Dial tone.]
So there's been a setback.
We will no longer be ransoming Danny.
So, then, that means you guys will be on your way, or what? [Scoffing.]
Oh, no.
I've invested too much into this.
We're staying, and we are going to rape [All gasp.]
- this island - [Sighs of relief.]
Oh, yeah, that's fine.
For all it's worth.
We'll start by salvaging the plane, and then we'll figure out what to do with the rest of you.
Until then, we're just gonna have to learn to live together.
Bruce: We can do that.
Or we can take this island back right now! [All gasp.]
Oh, shit! [All screaming.]
Oh, God! Oh, my God! [Screaming.]
Anyone else want to try something? - No, no, no, no, no, no! - I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good.
'Cause I'd hate to have to tell your Nazi hunter to dig another grave.
I'm a Nazi hunter! [Chuckles.]
It's official! [Bruce groans.]
Last season on "Wrecked" - We crashed, man! - We're all gonna die! - Hey, no one is gonna die, okay? - [Screaming.]
All the airline food and first-aid stuff - It's all just gone? - It's a real nut punch.
The worst kind of punch Right on the nut.
Owen: We are one step away from living like apes.
Why don't we go hunting? And when it comes Boom, boom! [Laughs.]
[Imitates wind whistling.]
[Imitates gun firing.]
- [Roars.]
- [Screaming.]
Florence: I think we need an election.
The new leader of the island Steve! We're creating a new society.
Who's to say what sort of legal system we should be using? I just figured we'd do it like on "Law & Order.
" Yeah, I like that show.
Throw him in the pit! This is effed up! You freaks! I've done unspeakable things.
Whatever you did, it can't be that bad.
- I ate a dude! - Holy sh wow.
Okay.
We are all slowly dying on this hellhole! [Bleep.]
you, island! [Screaming.]
I'm sorry! We're not leaving the island! - [Gunshot.]
- [All gasp.]
Did he just kill Turdhole? - I stuffed up, okay? - [Sobs.]
- There's a ship! - We're saved! [Cheering.]
The truth is we're not actually fishermen We're pirates, mother [bleep.]
[Screaming.]
- Danny Wallace? - You don't know who this is? His family's worth billions! Seriously, you need to come with us or we're going to shoot all your friends otherwise.
[Waves crashing.]
Son of a bitch! I'm taking another shot.
Hey, come on, Dick.
That's not the way the game's played.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
Did I not bail your company out of a $300 million cluster [bleep.]
last year? You did.
- I'm sorry.
I-I-I-I didn't hear you.
- You did.
Well, then if it's okay with you two jagwagons, I'm gonna take another shot.
[Clears throat.]
- Dad! - [Grunts.]
God damn it, Margot! I was right in the middle of a shot.
It's Danny.
They're calling off the search.
Well, that's that, then.
What? Dad, what if he's still out there? I'm not paying for a waste of time.
He's your son.
I've been losing money on your brother since the day he was born.
Frankly, that plane going down was the best thing that ever happened to our legacy.
[Scoffs.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go fish my ball out of a goddamn lake, like some kind of itinerant [grunts.]
- Dad? - [Grunts.]
- Oh, my God! - Holy shit! Dick! [Clank.]
Oh, thank God.
[Somber organ music plays.]
I am so sorry for your loss, Margot.
Thank you, Tom.
I don't mean to pester, but there's still the matter of the will.
I need to know how you want me to classify the disappearance of your brother.
Tom, my father just passed.
It can wait.
Of course.
As for my brother I know in my heart of hearts that somewhere, somehow, he's alive.
Danny! Get over here now or I'm going to shove this gun up your asshole! Whoo! - [Rapid gunfire.]
- [Laughs.]
Get in the boat, or I'll kill everybody! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You know, I think that this is all just a big misunderstanding.
Yeah, Danny is not the son of a billionaire.
Wh What are you talking about? Look at him.
You don't let yourself go like this if you've got money.
Right? I mean, look at his shoes.
Nobody chooses shoes like these.
- Ah.
- Look at his teeth! They're all crooked and yellow.
These are poor-people teeth! - Also, Danny is fat.
- What? Not like an, "I love life" fat, but like a fast-food fat.
You know what? Shut the [bleep.]
up.
We know who you are.
Tell him.
It's true.
- What? - Really? - Cool? We good? - [Chuckles.]
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! IF you're going to take him, you're gonna have to kill me first.
Oh! I didn't think this through! Please don't kill me! Oh, God! Somebody help me, somebody help me, somebody help me! Get ready to die.
You're gonna have to kill me first, too! - For real? - For real.
You're gonna have to kill me first, then him, and then you can take Danny.
You'll also have to kill me first, too, as well.
God, okay.
You know what? Who else wants to die? Let's get that out of the way.
Anyone? [Whispers.]
Todd.
[Quietly.]
No.
- [Whispers.]
Todd.
- No.
Todd! Oh, God damn it.
Fine, me too, I guess, after them.
Put me down, too.
I'm ready to die! - All: Yeah.
- I can die.
Okay, okay, everyone just Just just chill out! Just give us a second to talk, okay? Yo, man, what the hell's wrong with this island?! This is very unsettling, okay? I don't know that I feel comfortable executing, - what, like, 30 people? - And I got to be honest with you.
I don't have enough bullets in the gun to handle this mission.
What? Damn it, man.
This is why you can't be popping off.
Well, I'm sorry.
No, you're not sorry, 'cause we have the same talk.
This is This is me being sorry! I have a plan.
- Whoa! - No, no! Are you crazy?! You pull that out, they're gonna gun us all down.
Yeah, not if I get them all in a row.
Boom one shot right through all their heads.
- What? - It could work.
- Thank you.
That would never work.
- Todd: It might work.
- That is a dumb idea.
- They'd have to be in single file.
- We're not doing that.
- Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! Here's what we're gonna do, all right? We'll have to get back in the dinghy, then we go to the boat, then we get more bullets This is a logistical nightmare, man.
- It's very embarrassing.
- Yes.
Jess: They're not at all how I pictured pirates.
Yeah, I know.
Where's the friggin' parrot? - Neither one of them has a sword.
- Yeah, no sword.
They're not cartoons.
They are like "Captain Phillips" pirates! - Mm, no.
- Uhh, sorry to break it to you, but "Captain Phillips" was just a movie.
It's a true story.
I think you're thinking of "Sully"? Hanks was good in both.
- Yeah, Hanks crushes every film.
- Of course he was.
Of course he was, but shut the eff up.
- "Road to Perdition.
" - Wow.
Listen, and you're not gonna like this, but I think we need to call the Barracuda.
What? No! No, this was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab.
Well, it's not! Okay, I didn't want to tell you this before, but look over there at 2:00.
You see that? You see that? - Is that a body? - Yes, that's a body.
And look, it's fresh.
There's still blood on it.
What is wrong with these people? What, are they murderers? [Grunting.]
What are you seeing? Who's shooting who? Shut up.
Just keep still, you big tree! Okay.
They've got big guns Please! Karen! Sorry.
Sorry.
They look soft.
I think we should We could make a run for it.
People whilin' out here, man.
I'm getting creeped out! - Oh.
- What? - Look.
- What? Oh shit! Are there people in that hole? Are there people in that hole? There's hole people? Oh! Oh, they've seen me! - Okay, let me down! Whoa! - [Thud.]
- There's hole people.
- They have hole people.
We ain't prepared for hole people! I think we need to call the Barracuda.
Okay, fine! Fine.
No popping off.
All right, everybody, listen up! We were gonna be real nice to you guys, but now it's gonna get messy.
We're going to have to bring in our boss the Barracuda.
- [Gasps.]
- Very cool name.
- Y'all in trouble now! - [All gasp.]
[Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing" plays.]
[No audio.]
[Engine sputters.]
[Engine stops.]
[Backfires.]
[Grunts.]
[Bleep.]
Shit.
Ugh.
What's she gonna do? Danny: She gonna jump in the water? [Screams.]
She's in the water.
[Screams.]
Oh, that's gonna be bad.
- All: Oooh! - Shit! [British accent.]
Jet ski's acting up.
- I hate that thing.
- They sold us a lemon! - You know, that was a bad choice.
- We should not have - We shouldn't have bought - We should get our money Ba She's so hot.
She's so hot.
Now, what seems to be the problem? - This.
- [All gasp.]
Either you take us all home, or I blow your head off.
W-What is she doing? What are you doing? Owen, what is she doing?! I don't know, man.
[Gasps.]
[Gasps, groans.]
[Groaning continues.]
You're not afraid to die.
And if I shoot you, then your men will gun us down.
So, what you're saying is, I should just give you the gun and then pray that you let us live? [Breathing shakily.]
- [Sobbing.]
- [All murmuring.]
- What a bitch.
- I'm so sorry.
Ladies, gentlemen, I am the Barracuda, and this is my island now.
But that means you're my guests.
No reason we can't be civilized.
I mean, she's, like, glowing.
- It's confidence, is what it is.
- Yeah.
You.
The doughy one.
You're hurt.
Bandana, tend to his wounds.
Tank Top, prepare my quarters.
Who's the dead man? Th-That's Turdhole.
His name is Turdhole? Y-Yeah.
Yeah.
That's hilarious.
[Sighing.]
Oh, my God.
Who killed him? [Grunts.]
Oh, God! They're coming! Pretend we're dead! - [Screams.]
- [Thud.]
This is a mass grave.
Everybody, play dead! Get up.
Damn it, Karen! You blinked, didn't you? [Sternly.]
Get up.
You You killed the one they call "Turdhole"? - No.
- Yes, you did.
He came at me, all right?! He was crazy! I didn't have any other option! It was either him You will dig Turdhole's grave and give him a proper burial.
You two, let's talk.
Thanks for not playing dead.
The way I see it, we all want the same thing You want to get home.
I want to ransom Danny here for $10 million.
$10 million? [Scoffs.]
A lot of money.
I've been in the pirate game a long time, and I'm tired.
My ship is old, and my men are stupid.
I don't even bother to learn their names anymore.
I just call them by whatever they're wearing.
This ransom is my ticket out, and there's no reason to complicate that by killing everyone, is there? I don't think so.
No, there's not.
We'll call your father, and after he sends the money, we'll have you picked up here All of you.
I mean, that works for me.
[Laughs.]
Danny? He's not going to pay.
- What? - What now? You think this is the first time Dick Wallace has been blackmailed? He doesn't negotiate with terrorists.
Let's see if he makes an exception for his only son.
Capri Pants, my phone.
[Whispering.]
He's got Capri pants on.
[Whispering.]
I saw.
[Beeping.]
[Horns honking in distance.]
[Intercom beep.]
Woman: Excuse me, Miss Wallace? You have a call.
It's for your father.
This is Margot Wallace.
Then there's been a mistake.
I'm looking to speak with a Dick Wallace.
I'm so sorry, but my father's dead.
He, um [clears throat.]
died in a golf cart explosion.
What? Dad's dead?! - Danny?! - [Bee.]
Margot, it's me! I'm alive! - I - [Gun cocks.]
Danny! Danny, where are you? I'm sorry to hear about your father but not as sorry as you'll be if you don't meet my demands.
What? What What demands? Who is this? $10 million, wired to my account, or I shoot your brother right between the eyes.
How do I know it's really him? Ask him something only your brother would know.
Um Danny, when we were 12, I ate a bad meatball and accidentally vomited into your mouth.
Do you remember what you said? I said [Italian accent.]
"Man, that's-a spicy meatball.
" Oh, my God, it's you! Oh, my God! You're alive! Ready the funds.
- We'll call in an hour.
- Wait, wait, wa [ Phone beep.]
Looks like you are going home.
Let me get this straight When Danny's sister pays the ransom, - we get rescued? - Yeah.
And it's all because his shitty dad exploded in a golf cart? Pretty much.
That's amazing! - [Screams.]
- We're going home! - Finally! - [Cheering, laughter.]
Well, that means maybe we can go back to Scottsdale.
It's the greatest city in the world.
[Laughs, sobbing.]
Can you believe it, buddy? We're going home.
My dad's dead.
I mean, he was an asshole, but he was still my dad, you know? [Voice breaking.]
I'm never gonna see him again.
[In rhythm.]
Burn in freaking Hell, - Danny's dumb dad! - Todd! Thanks for the ride, pal! - Whoo, whoo! - Todd! What? Oh.
Sorry, Chumbo.
Karen: O-Kay.
We're ready to bury Turdhole.
Steve finished digging the grave.
[Scoffs.]
Took him long enough.
I mean, four hours to dig one hole? It's ridiculous.
God, I once buried a Maine Coon cat in 15 minutes flat.
31 pounds, this thing.
You would not have believed it.
[Rhythmically.]
A hole through his torso, a hole in our hearts.
Turdhole, dead from a bullet Back to a hole, from a hole he came.
Next up, Turdhole in the sky Okay, thank you, Chet.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much for that poetry.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I'd like to say a few words about Turdhole, if that's all right.
I think you said enough with your gun, you dumb kiwi bastard.
- [Spits.]
- [All agreeing.]
Hey, hey, hey.
He's clearly sorry, okay? Let's just Let's just hear him out.
- Steve? - Thank you.
[Inhales deeply.]
I'll never forgive myself for what I did.
Turdhole was the best of us, and I robbed him of his life.
[Sobbing.]
[Voice breaking.]
But as the saying goes "People don't kill people.
Guns do.
" - You serious? - [All groan.]
Why is everyone yelling at me? What about Karen? Karen didn't murder someone in cold blood, you dick.
Plus, Karen gets us food.
Happy to do it.
Sorry I got weird back there, gang.
Pack: Okay.
Well, that's very sad.
But I think we should put Turdhole to rest.
I'd like to say, uh a few words, I think.
Turdhole's death was unexpected, to say the least, but this one really hits home.
I didn't know Turdhole well, but I know that some of us had a, uh a complicated relationship with him.
He was cold, distant.
Maybe he never told us that he was proud of us, and maybe it felt sometimes like he wanted us to be a different man altogether.
And now that he's gone, you know, it may feel like we'll never be able to say some of the things that we always wanted to say to him, but I know that, deep down underneath it all that That Turdhole loved us, so Okay, I think we've spent enough time here.
Why don't we roll Turdhole in this ditch, huh? - Oh.
- Yep.
[Grunts.]
Hold on, what the hell? Uh, guys, you're gonna want to see this.
- [All murmuring.]
- Oh, my God! Are those Yep, Nazi symbols, tattooed all over his body.
The Nazis famously hated the Jews - killed a ton of them.
- We know, Karen! - Yeah, thank you! - Oh, my God, there's more down here.
What? Ugh.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, God! That looks like Calvin, from the famous comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes," except now he's wearing an SS uniform and peeing on the word "non-whites.
" - Holy shitballs.
- Wow.
Turdhole was a Nazi.
How did we not see this? Hey Turdhole.
Heil.
That means I didn't kill an innocent man.
[Chuckles.]
I killed a Nazi! You hear that? I'm not a murderer! - I'm a hero! - [All disagree.]
- Still a murderer.
- You didn't kill a Nazi.
You killed a guy who happened to be a Nazi.
- Nah, it's the same thing.
- Pack: It's not the same thing.
- I'm like a war hero! - You're definitely not a war hero.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! It's time.
[Phone beeps.]
[Ringing.]
It's ringing! Shut up.
This is Margot.
It's been an hour.
Do we have an agreement? I actually have a counteroffer for you.
I'm listening.
How about instead of $10 million, I give you this [Fart.]
[Fart continues.]
[Fart stops.]
[Farts.]
- [Scoffs.]
- Was that a fart? You're damn right it was a fart.
And that's all that you're getting from me because I'm not paying you a Goddamn dime! [Farts.]
You think we won't kill him? We'll kill him right now! Oh, I hope you do because I just talked to our lawyer, Tom, and it turns out, if Danny comes back alive, he's entitled to over half of my fortune.
What? No.
I'm not sharing with Danny! The best part is that Tom can't say shit because of a little thing called "attorney-client privilege.
" Isn't that right, Tom? I loved your father.
Shut your old man face! Margot, please! Don't do this! [Mocking.]
Margot, please.
Don't do this.
You're such an idiot, Danny! When your plane went down, all I had to do was get rid of Dad and the money was mine.
But you said Dad died in a golf cart explosion.
After I poisoned him! I gave him the heart attack, and then he died in a literal explosion.
It was so awesome.
And now the money's mine.
[Laughs.]
Bye! [Dial tone.]
So there's been a setback.
We will no longer be ransoming Danny.
So, then, that means you guys will be on your way, or what? [Scoffing.]
Oh, no.
I've invested too much into this.
We're staying, and we are going to rape [All gasp.]
- this island - [Sighs of relief.]
Oh, yeah, that's fine.
For all it's worth.
We'll start by salvaging the plane, and then we'll figure out what to do with the rest of you.
Until then, we're just gonna have to learn to live together.
Bruce: We can do that.
Or we can take this island back right now! [All gasp.]
Oh, shit! [All screaming.]
Oh, God! Oh, my God! [Screaming.]
Anyone else want to try something? - No, no, no, no, no, no! - I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good.
'Cause I'd hate to have to tell your Nazi hunter to dig another grave.
I'm a Nazi hunter! [Chuckles.]
It's official! [Bruce groans.]