Yonderland (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

'And welcome back, everyone.
Great to see you here, back playing Ladder.
'Four contestants, four questions, but only one way' '.
.
Jenny here has got an incredible 27 points.
' This cannot be.
I know - two for one on bedding plants.
Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained, but they told also of a saviour, come from a distant world, to save us from Imperatrix, who believes it is she who is destined to rule.
This cannot BE! Oh, I was wondering when you were going to show yourself into the cupboard.
To look at the light.
To look at the light, yes I mean, no, come on, Pete, out of there.
We discussed this last night - there's nothing wrong with the light.
What about those blue sparks? I think you'd eaten some cheese.
OK, look, don't touch the light bulb in there, and don't touch the switch.
Mm-hmm.
If you see anything strange, anything at all Mm-hmm.
.
.
no matter how small, then just call me at work, OK? I will do.
Have a good day.
All right.
Oh, and I might get an electrician to have a look at it.
Whatever you think.
OK, bye-bye! Bye.
What's up with Bob? Peter.
He thinks that What's happened to your face? What? Oh, that.
Cut myself shaving.
Huh? So, come on then.
Who was it? Who was what? Last night, in Negatus' lair, with the veil - bridezilla.
Oh, her.
Up until yesterday, her very existence was myth and rumour.
The ruler of the overlords.
They call her Imperatrix! I saw her with my own eyes, right here in Yonderland.
Oh, my days, Imperatrix is here! Imperatrix? I hear she has the head of a snake But her body's made of splinters, and if you look into her eyes You see, like, the worst things imaginable, like spider's eggs Yeah, or a farmer's bum.
I heard she's got both sets.
Oh.
I heard she sleeps for only three seconds a day.
And they say she has worms for fingers! How does she sign cheques? So she is here! I knew I sensed something.
"Sensed something"? The whole building shook Judith died.
Hmm.
No wonder the people are panicking.
Yonderland is in chaos! What shall we do?! Well, I think I do know a thing I like that Gentlemen, please.
In the event of public unrest, the procedure is quite clear We must take off our robes.
No We must implement emergency protocol seven.
No, brother.
No.
Have you completely lost all your marbles? No-no-no-no-no, he's right! If we do not act, we ourselves may be in danger.
We must immediately start acting.
Very well Implement protocol seven! There - that should keep them out.
Now then, who's for a game of charades? Oh, yes.
I'll go first! Is it Boogie Nights? So the overlords each have a land, but it's this Imperatrix who pulls the strings? What strings? Well, if they were puppet It doesn't matter.
She's the boss, yeah? Exactly, and if she starts taking a personal interest in Yonderland, well there'd be panic on the streets.
But, hey, let's not worry about that just yet.
Chances are she would have just gone straight back to the Darklands, and word wouldn't have even got out.
Word got out.
Well, the good news is someone has called the sheriff.
The bad news is, I'm the sheriff, and the last vestige of law and order is about to disappear.
How do you know? Because someone has hold of my leg.
Whoa! Hey, hey! Look, look, look! There's no laws or anything.
It's so cool! Ah, that is so cool! We can do anything we like without, like, any repercussions.
Yeah.
Is that not what you meant? No.
Yes! I've always wanted one of these.
It's OK.
We'll be safe now.
This is insane.
Do the Elders know about this? There's civil unrest and they're not here.
So probably.
What, you mean they're just going to bury their heads in the sand? No - why would they bury their heads in sand? Well, mark my words - they've got another think coming! How's that even a sentence? She just makes stuff up.
Absolute kaffledecack.
I'm telling you, there is no death certificate.
I've checked the chronicles, the safe, under the bed Silence.
You will find the record of my sister's death or face the consequences.
No, no, I'll check again, but, what if there just was no death to record? Do not waste oxygen on riddles.
I did find this under the bed.
Your mother told the news dragon that your sister died with your father, in a ballooning accident, but some doubted elements of her story.
What elements? She told them the reason bodies were never found because they landed in the mouth of a great white Rhinocodile, which chewed them so hard it caught fire, and then exploded, and the ash was sucked into the nose of a Hipposquito, which then fell into a blender and She lied.
My sister is alive.
It was her I saw.
Anous, release the As you were.
While this Chosen One lives, your rule will never be complete, your eminence.
Then it is time that death caught up with her.
Who is available? Our best generals are quelling unrest in their own lands.
It seems her very presence has caused excitement among the masses.
These are desperate times which call for desperate measures.
Well, I'm honoured.
And when you say, "money no object"? I'm giving you carte blanche.
Mmm The ice cream? No, you fool.
Listen! Whatever the cost, Maddox dies today.
At last, the gloves are off.
No, they're not.
No, not literally, Jeff, I just meant Erm Come here.
Oh! Oh, that hurt more than usual.
Precisely.
So, what's the plan, oh, Thunderous Wind? Hmm.
Who's up for a day at the fair? Yay! Aw Ow, ow, ow Why don't they have a back door? Why don't you use the buzzer? Why don't you suggest that five minutes ago? Hold that.
That?! Oh, my God! It's Lord of the Flies! What? How did he get in there? We all want to be free, but what about after the robes come off? I mean, don't people look? Let them look.
I mean, we're all the same, right? I suppose so, more or less Actually, I might just keep this on Get out of it! Why can I smell cheese? Are you hiding food? I don't know what you're talking about, old boy.
What's this then? Well, no, that's just a cheese-shaped, cheese-scented candle.
Well, then you won't mind if I do this.
No-no-no, no! Blurgh.
Well, I did try to warn you.
The Chosen One.
Debbie.
What the hell do you all think you're doing? Your people need you.
Have they stopped rioting yet? Well, no, but this isn't the way to Ah! Emergency protocol seven forbids contact with the outside world! They've cut me off! Hello? Looks like we'll have to quench the flames of anarchy and restore order to Yonderland ourselves again.
Now we should just sit tight until this all blows over.
What about food? I'm almost down to the wick here.
All you need is love, brothers Oh, and food.
Yeah, you do need food.
We'll think of something.
Or someone Bad day to be made of jelly.
No, no, too small.
Not bangy enough.
Don't you have the one that goes boof, zoof, zing, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa boof, oof? Yeah, doesn't exist.
Here, fella, check these out.
Latest technologies - night-vision goggles, eh? Yeah.
Oh.
Erm, can't see anything.
Exactly just like night.
Wow! Amazing! I'll take them.
Course you will.
Cheers.
Now no-one will see me coming.
Well, I did.
What? Nothing.
Got to have something better than these.
I'm looking to blow some serious cash here.
Look, bulletproof trousers.
If you get shot, a hole appears so there's proof of the bullet.
Right, what you've got there, Jeffery, is just some trousers.
Your handsomeness, a gun that shoots round corners.
Ooh, clever.
So that's one useful thing, one utterly useless thing.
I wonder which way Neil is going to tip this one Look, sire - night-vision goggles! Ow! Yep, thought so.
At least he's got something he likes.
I haven't found anything that tickles my fancy Oh You want to buy? It's very nice.
Be very careful Henry? Henry?! Well, the Elders were no help, so what's the plan? Well, with any luck, things will have calmed down a bit while we were After you.
Down! Imperatrix is here.
She's 50 foot tall with guns for thumbs.
No, she's not.
She's like my height with thumbs for thumbs.
You've never actually seen her, have you? And hope I never do.
I heard if you look straight at her, you turn into socks.
Well, that's not how I want to go.
That's why I've lodged this suicide pill between my wisdom tooth and Oh, where's it gone? Oh, no.
I know what this is.
Dead body.
No, I mean all of this.
Have you ever heard of the rumour mill? Yeah, they knocked it down.
No money in it.
No, it's not an actual mill.
When I was in Year 7, Dean Froggett said Nicola Stockton had a fake foot but it was actually a verruca sock - though Gabbi Parker reckoned that she stole it.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, it was just gossip.
What happened with the foot? A police dog came into assembly Ah That's not the point.
The point is - I know how to fix this.
Watch this.
So, have you heard? Imperatrix isn't actually here.
Word on the street is that we should all stop rioting, cos otherwise she's, like, already won.
Oh, right.
Here, Tosh, have you heard? Now we just wait for the rumour to spread and Bob's your uncle.
No - Bob's your husband.
What?! Ah! Imperatrix has already won! Well, that went well.
It changes.
What does? The rumour - the truth gets lost as the word spreads.
We just need to find a way to speak to everyone at the same time.
And, as the flammable member of the group, can I ask that we do this quickly? And that was Ram Raid by The Kiss Pistols.
So that music's not in my head? All right, you're listening to DJ Chaos on Panic FM - smashing hits while you smash windows.
Hey! Follow me.
I think I've got a lead.
It's a shielded cable.
Joke doesn't work Hmm.
Hello? Why is it so dark? Kill the Blob! - Smash him in! - Kill the Blob! Gouge his eyes! Eat his face! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I thought you were a vegetarian.
Is he not a vegetable? Grey area, like fish.
Kill the Blob! Smash his head! Silence, I've got the conch.
Oh, the conch.
Oh, the sacred conch! We must respect our quarry.
Trevor, is there any particular way you'd like to be cooked? I don't want to be cooked! Can you eat it raw? Like a sushi-type-thing? Or with a nice plum jus? Go well, wouldn't it? Stop! Stop this lunacy.
What are we - animals? We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Trevor is our comrade our friend .
.
and should be parboiled with garlic and lemon before can we even think about a gravy.
Prepare the pot! Yeah! Wait, where's he gone? He's escaped.
After him! Yeah, best add the codpiece - protect the old cod.
I'll take the laser sighting, the photon pistol, a power-punch, yes You've got to be careful, you don't want to overload it.
It says here "ask about voices".
What's that all about? Oh, yeah, that is for the control system.
You can have Champion Man, Tough Trooper, Compactor Compactor? Ooh, that sounds pretty tough - I'll take that.
And what's a "follicle airgun"? That's for inside the helmet.
You know, the bzzz You mean a hairdryer? So you don't get the helmet hair but you probably don't want that feature No, no, why would I want that? Yeah, I do, I do.
I really want that.
Sure, you're the boss.
This is Burn It Up by The Smash.
Cos I'm the Chaos DJ - I play what I like, don't care what ya say! I'll deal with him.
Smash it up! You try and find some less rioty music.
Yeah, all right! Hey.
Ugh! Sweet table of decks.
Do you think I could have a spin? Ha! I ain't letting you touch my decks.
I'm the Chaos DJ - the minister of mayhem - the rage they cannot cage.
It's just I think I just saw your mum over there.
Oh, no! I'm supposed to be at my nan's.
Oh, God, I'm in so much trouble You kept this quiet.
It was a phase.
We were at number one for a quillenia, so you can shut up.
OK, everyone, just stop rioting - just for a second.
Take five, yeah? Yeah, I wouldn't mind a baguette actually.
Look, I know what you've heard, but look around you.
Imperatrix isn't here, but all of this - the chaos, the riots - this is what she wants.
But there's no need to panic.
You just need to calm down and carry on.
Oh, with the riot? No-no-no-no, no! With whatever you normally do.
Does make sense when you hear it like that, yeah, I mean Back to work then, I suppose.
We were quite eclectic.
OK, thanks! There ain't nothing wrong in here, mate.
Are you sure? Yes.
Right, right, this little gizmo picks up spikes like I pick up birds.
What does that mean? Means I pick up a lot of birds, doesn't it? No, the spikes.
What do the spikes mean? Oh electrical surges, you know, fluctuating current, anything weird, and I ain't getting nothing in there.
Hmm.
Is cheque OK? No, I prefer cash, actually.
Get your Debbie mugs! Get your Debbie tea towels! See? Storm in a teacup.
But it wouldn't fit Why do you say these things? Debbie mugs! Get your Debbie mugs! OK, I'm in.
Initiate visor downment.
Cool.
Compactor, do you read me? Oh, hello.
Yeah, but I might have to pop out if my agent calls, cos I'm up for this sitcom and they can only do auditions on Wednesdays.
Oh, Gods, they've given me Camp Actor.
I mean, this is fine for a day job, but if I could get some stage work Shut up! Patch in Imperatrix.
Is it done? Is she dead? Almost, your eminence.
Eat him up! Kill the Blob! Eat him up! Kill the Blob! Save me his eyes.
I think I've got him.
Oh, decided to come out, have we? They tried to eat me.
Is this true? Well a bit.
So the world hasn't ended? No.
No thanks to you.
It is possible we lost a little perspective.
Mmm.
Let us put on our cumbersome robes.
Oh, look! It's the Chosen One.
Oh, this is perfect.
The Elders are here too.
Two birds with one bone.
Perhaps there is hope for you yet.
Take them out - take them all out.
My pleasure.
Power up the laser guns.
Engage the nucleator.
Switch to loudspeakers, please.
Right, I'm not being funny, but the battery's saying Just do it.
Debbie of Maddox! Hope you've had a nice day cos it was your last.
Lock on targets.
Nobody move.
Does that include running away? Activate pulse cannons.
Prime photon grenade.
Battery warning! Battery warning! You may have made a mockery of me in the past, but when a great man falls, he always gets back up.
Oh, I did warn you.
Huh? Ow.
Well, don't just stand there, you cretins.
Eat lead! Ow! So, my trousers say I've been shot Oh Ah-hah! I'll get them! Charge! Ugh.
Ugh Let me deal with him, your eminence.
I will not fail you.
Good, for I do not tolerate failure.
Anyway, we should return to the chamber.
This land won't run itself.
Well, technically, it just did.
So what do we need you for, you know what I'm saying? Erm, who will give you? Public holidays.
Yes, like today, which shall henceforth be known as, erm No, I've gone blank.
Blank holiday! Yes.
Yes.
Today is a blank holiday.
A whole day off! No work! We can do anything we want, man.
Yeah! Why would you? I don't know.
We're cousins.
Yeah, I know, it's weird.
Damn right, it's weird.
Well, Yonderland may be safe for now, but we must be on our guard.
For as sure as the moons rise, she will return.
Oh, scary, wasn't it? So, Trevor.
We're still cool, right? No, we are not cool! Oh, be like that.
Hello.
Ow! Why's dad in the cupboard? No-one knows.
He lives there now.
Mum, what's this? Yeah, that came for you earlier.
Well, if it's not the electrics, then it really is a mystery.
I won't be a sec.
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, "than are dreamt of in all your philosophies.
" Oh, that is so much better! I have been in here forever.
You must be Debbie.
No?