You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e01 Episode Script

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out, on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (CIock chimes) (Sighs) Dad - Dad! - Eh? It's two o'cIock in the morning.
Have you woke me up just to teII me that? How much Ionger are they going to be? I don't know, Ivy.
They've probabIy gone onto the Kit Kat CIub.
That's a terribIe pIace.
I read about it in The News Of The WorId.
The men dress up as women and the women dress up as men.
I think you're mixing it up with the Conservative CIub, Ivy.
WeII, it's aII very weII, I've got to be up at six.
Part of the job, Ivy.
Them toffs enjoy themseIves whiIe we work aII hours that God sends.
I work aII the hours that God sends.
I have to get aII the earIy morning tea trays ready before you're awake and you can have a snooze in the afternoon.
It's not right, Dad! - Don't caII me Dad.
- What's it matter? Henry and James both know.
And we don't want anyone eIse to know.
You've onIy got this job because of your wonderfuI references.
You forged them! PreciseIy! We don't want any questions asked.
Wait here.
Don't make any noise.
The coast is cIear.
Oh, Mr Teddy, in't this exciting? As soon as I heard that Iadder outside me window and I Iooked down and saw you standin' at the bottom with the moonIight shinin' on your monocIe, I thought ''My fairy prince has come.
'' It's joIIy nice of you to say so.
Can your fairy prince have a kiss? You won't turn into a frog, wiII ya? I don't think that's awfuIIy IikeIy.
I demand a kiss.
My Sheik of Araby, take me in your arms and overpower me.
Oh! - Dad, Dad! Dad - Eh? There's someone downstairs.
I think it's burgIars.
I'II go and see.
Where are you taking me? To paradise.
The drawing room actuaIIy - there shouId be a fire there.
Have you got a free hand to deaI with the knob? Oh! Oh, you are strong.
It's you, Rose - you give me the strength of ten men.
Come on, don't Iet him see you.
It's the HonourabIe Mr Teddy.
- Who's he with? - Miss Cartwright's maid, Rose.
- Dad? - What?! Why was he carrying her - has she hurt her Ieg? Very IikeIy.
He's taking her to his bedroom to put a bandage on it, now get in the drawing room.
Mrs Lipton's got SIoane's Liniment in her bedroom.
D'you think Mr Teddy'd Iike to put it on Rose's Ieg? I don't think so, Ivy.
I think they're coming in 'ere.
I feeI Iike a young bride being carried across the threshoId.
I was hoping you wouId.
Oh! It's chiIIy in 'ere.
You Iie there and I'II have a go with the beIIows.
There.
That's better.
You soon brought it to Iife.
You're a dab hand with the beIIows.
I was a boy scout.
Do boy scouts use beIIows? We got a coupIe of cubs and made them bIow.
I can feeI the heat aIready.
It's coming from me.
My whoIe body's on fire.
From the first time I saw you, scrubbing the steps with carboIic soap, you brought to Iife something I thought was dead forever.
- What was that? - Passion.
Naked passion.
The next time I saw you, you were wearing your starched apron, and tipping cIinkers into the dustbin.
Then there was the night I saw the Iight in your room and you came to the window to draw the curtains and I saw I saw the straps of your camisoIe through my binocuIars.
I don't wear a camisoIe.
It was my vest.
Oh, my God! I must have a drink.
- Can I have one? - By Jove, yes.
Here's to us, Rose.
In't it about time I went home? Home? Home? (Laughs) - What did you do that for? - Russians do it.
Are you a Russian? I sometimes think there's a bit of the Tartar about me.
I thought that was a sauce you put on fish.
- What? - Tartar.
No, no, no, no.
Tartars are wiId tribesmen who gaIIop over the Steppes piIIaging and carrying off girIs.
Oh, that's you aII over.
Look how you carried me up the back stairs.
Oh, Rose, here's to the next fIight.
(Car puIIs up) Oh! It's my brother.
His Iordship? You said they were aII in bed.
Quick, Iet's hide behind the curtains.
No, they'II probabIy come in here.
Quick, the dining room.
I hope they won't think I broke them gIasses.
If that's how they carry on in Russia, they can't have many Ieft.
- (BeII) - Straighten up your apron, Ivy.
(BeII) Good morning, Miss Cissy, Miss Poppy.
Good morning, sir.
- I trust you had a pIeasant evening.
- Yes, but Iate nights are exhausting.
I know the feeIing, sir.
Jerry took us aII to the SiIver SIipper.
It's got a gIass dance fIoor.
Damn dangerous.
- Sorry to keep you up so Iate, Ivy.
- It's aII right, Miss Cissy.
- What time do you have to get up? - Six o'cIock.
- Have a Iie-in, Ivy.
- Thank you, m'Iord.
Make it 6:30.
Thank you, m'Iord.
CarefuI how you hang up my cIoak, Ivy.
Don't crease it Iike Iast time.
Wasn't my fauIt, Miss Poppy.
Don't argue.
Oh, James, I've never seen you in your pyjamas and dressing gown before.
I was aroused by the sound of breaking gIass.
I've never seen you aroused before either.
You must've been dreaming, James.
You may return to bed.
- Stokes? - M'Iord? Come in here.
What's aII this gIass in the firepIace? I think Mr Teddy had a sIight mishap, m'Iord.
He Ieft our party hours ago.
Said he was going to bed.
That was his intention, wasn't it, Ivy? Er, yes, it was.
I 'eard gIass breaking.
We got burgIars? How dare you appear before his Iordship in your night attire - return to your room at once, Henry.
- What are you doing with that? - I was gonna hit 'em with it.
You do not hit burgIars with his Iordship's ornaments.
I'II remember that, Mr TweIvetrees.
I'm having a brandy and soda.
Poppy? - I'II have a stiff one.
- Oh, there's no soda.
There's some in the dining room.
- I'II get it, miss Cissy.
- Don't worry.
You buzz off to bed.
- Dad! - Nothing to do with us, Ivy.
- (Rose screams) - Good God! - What's that? - We have got burgIars.
Thank you.
Teddy! - This is Rose.
- Rose? Miss Cartwright's maid, sir.
How dare you, Teddy! And in front of the servants! I'm over 21 .
I'II do what I baIIy-weII Iike.
Not in my house.
James, take this girI back to where she came from.
Yes, m'Iord.
Henry, take Rose downstairs whiIe I dress.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
The rest of you, go to bed.
I'II see you in my study in the morning.
Ivy, can you ever forgive me? Pardon? I said I was in Iove with you but I've faIIen in Iove with Rose.
Oh, that's quite aII right.
You're a good egg.
Ooh, couId you do me a IittIe favour? - It depends what it is.
- Have you got another pair of gIasses? I'd Iike to see what Rose Iooks Iike in them.
Sorry, I've onIy got these.
Oh, hang.
They're a rum Iot these gentry, aren't they? Don't you worry, Ivy, their days are numbered.
(Parrot) Come in.
(Woman) Oh, shut up.
Come in! (Parrot) Shut up.
Come in.
I brought your breakfast, Lady Lavender.
Ah, I put that there to remind me it was empty.
Hurry up and eat your breakfast.
You've got the doctor coming to see you this morning.
They're trying to prove I'm potty, you know.
Oh, how awfuI.
You don't think I'm potty, do you? No, of course not.
- Potty, potty, potty.
- Oh, shut up.
They're after my money but they're not going to get it because they don't know where it is.
It's under the bed.
At Ieast it was Iast night.
Have a Iook and see if it's stiII there.
There's a Iot of stuff under 'ere.
What's this? It's a mongoose.
It keeps the snakes away.
But it's stuffed.
The snakes don't know that.
The money's in a smaII portmanteau.
Got it.
- Open it.
- Yes, Lady Lavender.
(Parrot) Pieces of eight, pieces of eight.
Shut up.
That's the troubIe with parrots, you never know where they're from.
I've never seen so much money in me Iife! I started counting it Iast night but I feII asIeep at £9,486 14 shiIIings and ninepence.
I teII you what - we'II count it aII over again.
There's no time.
I've got my work to do and you've got to eat your breakfast.
Oh, aII right then.
Put it away, we'II do it Iater.
I want you to give me a soIemn promise that you won't say a word to a Iiving souI about the money.
Of course I won't.
Cross me heart and hope to die.
WiII there be anything eIse? No, that's aII, thank you, EtheI, you may go.
WeII, I'II Ieave you in peace then.
Why are you cringing? You think I'm going to throw something at you, don't you? WeII, you do as a ruIe.
- You're quite safe, I promise you.
- Oh, good.
FooIed you! I had my fingers crossed.
Dirty dishes coming down, Mr TweIvetrees.
Thank you, Mr Stokes.
- PuII down the dirty dishes, Henry.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Take them over to MabeI, Henry.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, yes, bring 'em over 'ere.
That's aII I'm 'ere for.
- Morning aII.
- Morning, ConstabIe WiIson.
WiII there be a cup of your exceIIent tea going, Mrs Lipton? Just brewing up.
You're earIy this morning.
- I've gotta be in court at 1 1 .
- Nothing serious I hope.
I apprehended a bookie's runner taking bets yesterday.
He offered me ten bob to Iet him off.
Ho, I shouId coco.
UsuaIIy get a pound, don't ya? HoId your tongue, Henry.
Sit yourseIf down, ConstabIe WiIson.
You finished up the cherry cake Iast night if my memory serves me right.
Don't worry, she's got one in the oven.
Here's another tea tray.
It's Miss Cissy's.
Miss Cissy's? - You didn't stop Iong, did you? - No.
Here you are, MabeI.
And stiII they come.
I'II bet, when I go to heaven I'II have to do the washing-up.
I'm sure they've got a big machine to do it up there.
I bet I'II have to turn the 'andIe.
Did Lady Lavender Iike her breakfast, Ivy? She chucked the porridge at me but I didn't wait for the rest.
Ivy, I'd Iike a word with you in private.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, dear, is Ivy in hot water? Now, Ivy, I want to taIk to you about your father.
- Who? - Mr Stokes.
Wake up, girI.
He did not teII his Iordship when you were engaged that you were his issue.
- His what? - His daughter.
AIso, you did not reveaI that you had not been in domestic service before, did you? - No.
- That was very underhand of you, Ivy.
I know.
When I said me prayers I asked God to forgive me and I think he did, cos He does that sort of thing, doesn't He? Yes, I think he does.
You're a good girI and you try very hard.
I wiII not reveaI your identity, providing you do your work properIy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Attend to your duties diIigentIy and mind your Ps and Qs.
Why are you staring at me Iike that, girI? I was concentrating on what you were saying.
Good, now go about your duties and cIose your mouth.
You're earIy today, ConstabIe.
Been investigating a few murders? EarIy this morning I was caIIed out to investigate a Iadder propped up against a house down the street.
That's Miss Cartwright's house.
Our Mr Teddy's been up to his tricks again.
- With Miss Cartwright? - No, her maid, Rose.
I had to escort her home.
In that case, Ieast said, soonest mended.
That's what you aIways say, isn't it, Mrs Lipton? I've heard about that girI, Rose.
If you ask me, she's no better than she shouId be.
Last night she narrowIy escaped being worse than she was.
That Mr Teddy's a monster.
No woman's safe.
He ought to have it cut off.
What d'you mean? His aIIowance, Ivy.
He ought to be made to work for a Iiving.
The deviI finds work for idIe hands.
What couId he do? He couId come down 'ere and do some washing-up for a start.
Don't be ridicuIous, MabeI.
You cannot have a gentIeman working in a kitchen.
Where wiII it aII end? I'II teII you where it wiII aII end - in revoIution.
With things as they are, workers wiII have to take to the streets and fight for what's due to 'em.
That's right, Mr Stokes, you teII 'em.
The tumbreIs'II roII Iike they did in France.
It upsets me, that sort of taIk.
I quite agree.
Get on with the washing-up, MabeI.
If that's how you feeI, I suggest you go do the washing-up in Russia.
You won't have many gIasses to do.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
I've shown the professor to Lady Lavender's room, sir.
Oh, good.
- Did she throw anything at him? - Not up to the time I Ieft, sir.
I'm afraid she's becoming a bit of a probIem to us aII.
We are aware of this beIow stairs, m'Iord.
We were Ied to understand that the previous speciaIist she saw said that she was compIeteIy sane.
Yes, that's why we've caIIed in another one.
Anybody can teII she's not quite pIumb.
Her bank manager rang me yesterday to say she'd drawn aII her money out of the bank in cash.
- Cash? - Mm.
Pound notesin a suitcase.
- What has she done with it, sir? - I presume she's got it in her room.
WouId you Iike me to conduct a search, sir? CertainIy not.
I couIdn't be a party to that sort of thing.
Not today, anyway.
And on top of it aII there's that sordid business with my brother Iast night.
Most unfortunate, sir.
I wish he'd settIe down and get married.
I suppose aII the servants are gossiping? Very sympatheticaIIy, m'Iord.
The generaI opinion is that Mr Teddy shouId undertake some form of work to take his mind off his probIems.
You're absoIuteIy right, but unfortunateIy, he can't do anything.
I mean, who'd have him? CouId you not find a position in one of your enterprises, sir? Not a bad idea, Stokes.
I have given it some thought.
- Ah, that'II be aII, Stokes.
- Very good, sir.
I was expecting you here haIf an hour ago.
What a baIIy cheek! I'm not a schooIboy, you're not my housemaster.
I'm sorry, Teddy, as head of the famiIy I cannot aIIow this conduct of yours to go on any Ionger.
Either you take proper treatment and marry Madge Cartwright or you Ieave the country.
I don't want to marry Madge Cartwright.
I want to marry her maid.
Then you have to Ieave the country.
Where can I go? One of our rubber pIantations in MaIaya.
I know nothing about rubber.
It's perfectIy simpIe - you make hoIes in the IittIe trees, the rubber stuff drops out and you coIIect it in IittIe cups.
Oh, reaIIy, George! You don't do it.
You make sure the natives do it.
You'd do this to your own fIesh and bIood? (Sighs) You can't stay in EngIand to disgrace the famiIy.
I teII you what, that professor chap, he's upstairs taIking to Lavender.
He's supposed to be top man when it comes to brains.
Why don't we chat with him and see if he'II take you on? I don't need taking on! You taIk about me as if I'm up the poIe.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
Professor Van Manheim has concIuded his interview with Lady Lavender - and wouId Iike a word, sir.
- Send him in.
James is sponging him down in the cIoakroom.
What was it? MostIy fried egg with a IittIe kedgeree on the tie.
I see, yes.
WeII, send him in as soon as he's ready.
Very good, sir.
If she threw her breakfast at him, he's bound to say she's potty.
You're going to get your own way, aren't you? You ruthIess cad.
You'II have me in the MaIayan jungIes sweating Iike a pig, poking IittIe hoIes in rubber trees and poor oId Lavvy certified.
I didn't say a word about certified.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
Professor Heinrich Van Manheim, your Iordship.
Come in, Professor, come in.
I'm sorry you were the target for Lady Lavender's eccentricity.
I'm quite used to this sort of thing.
My brother, Teddy.
Ah.
Is he the vun ve spoke about? Yes, that's right.
Have you been discussing me behind my back? I fiIIed the Professor in with one or two detaiIs.
- You absoIute rotter.
- It's aII right, Teddy.
Right, Professor, now, what concIusion did you come to regarding Lady Lavender? It's very compIicated.
I shaII be making a fuII report to your doctor in due course.
Eurgh! LittIe piece of haddock, I think.
Now, the other probIem I have is my brother.
He has this obsession with servant girIs.
VeII, zere couId be two reasons for zis.
Eurgh.
First, an inferiority compIex, or second, a superiority compIex.
- Do you ever feeI inferior? - WeII, doesn't everyone? - I'm asking you.
- Do try and answer the question, Teddy.
It's aII so damn ridicuIous.
I mean, sometimes I feeI inferior, sometimes I feeI superior.
Ah, ze spIit personaIity.
Let us take aggression.
Do you ever feeI aggressive? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
What did I teII you? A spIit personaIity.
Do you ever have ze vivid dreams? OccasionaIIy.
Do you ever dream about vomen? Sometimes.
Do zey have any cIothes on? Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.
Can't you make up your mind about anything? He couId be a very difficuIt case.
- Can you take him on? - Mm Maybe.
CouId you cure him of his obsession? I don't want curing.
I think servant girIs are joIIy nice.
There, you see.
CouId take a Iong time.
- How Iong? - Maybe two, maybe three years.
I wouId start off vith revuIsion therapy.
I wouId attach him to a machine, show him photographs of servant girIs and every time he Iooked at zem, I wouId give him an eIectric shock.
George, I am not gonna spend two or three years attached to a machine, with this fathead giving me eIectric shocks.
- It is harsh.
- AIternativeIy, - you couId Iet him marry a servant girI.
- That is absurd! What's wrong with servant girIs? My mother was a servant girI.
HG WeIIs' mother was a servant girI.
Yes, but he's just a writer.
It wouIdn't do for our famiIy at aII.
As a matter of interest, when did aII zis first start? My brother got a bonk on the head in the war.
When? Where? WeII, if you must know, September 16th 1918, just outside Amiens.
- North or south? - South.
- Ah, I was there! - What? On ze other side.
It's aII your fauIt.
You probabIy did it.
- What? - Don't be absurd, Teddy.
You were hit by a piece of shrapneI.
The Professor didn't fire heavy guns, did you? Nein.
I was in the fieId hospitaI.
What's it matter? If it wasn't for you Germans, there wouId have been no war.
It's your fauIt, you, you, youHun! Hun? Hun?! How dare you! I am a Viennese.
I never supported ze Kaiser.
- Ha, they aII say that.
You swine! - Teddy, stop! Teddy, controI yourseIf, for heaven's sake! Stokes! Stokes, come quickIy! Stop it.
Stop it.
It took aII our strength, James and me, to drag Mr Teddy off.
- You shouId've sent for me.
- We couIdn't do that.
- Think of the scandaI.
- We couId've kept it quiet.
We understand the gentry's probIems at the station.
Have you got a price Iist? Anyhow, what happened? Shh.
WeII, I'II be off now.
Havin' shepherd's pie, are ya? Yes, MabeI, we're having shepherd's pie.
That's nice.
I can't remember the Iast time I sat down to a big pIate of shepherd's pie with onions and gravy.
There's a bit of cheddar cheese in the Iarder you can take home, MabeI.
That'II be nice.
There's pIenty of pie in the oven.
Be quiet, Ivy.
WeII then, Mr Stokes and I heId him down whiIe the Professor got his bag.
- Did he give him a piII? - No, he took out a big syringe.
Then his Iordship puIIed Mr Teddy's trousers down.
(Gasps) Oh, the humiIiation.
Mrs Lipton, which bit is it - the big bit or the IittIe bit? The IittIe bit.
Oh, thanks.
It's been there for days.
It's aII wizened.
AII she's got to do is cut the mouId off.
Sure you don't want it for the mousetrap? There's no need to be sarcastic, MabeI.
You don't have to take it.
Oh, I'II take it.
I'II make a weIsh rabbit.
A green one.
I'II have a gIass of water before I go if you can spare it.
Don't worry, I'II drink it in the scuIIery.
CIose the scuIIery door, Henry.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
You couId've given her a bit of shepherd's pie.
She shouId've Ieft at one o'cIock.
She can have a bit tomorrow, if there's any Ieft over.
You've gotta watch out for her sort.
They're aIways on the cadge.
Anyhow, what happened next? You got up to the bit where his Iordship puIIed Mr Teddy's trousers down.
Then the Professor stuck a great big needIe in him.
(Gasps) Oh, the shame.
Two minutes Iater he was out.
James and I had to sit him in a chair.
I don't feeI safe in the house with him.
I haven't much time for Germans myseIf but weII, I don't think you shouId strangIe them.
Not in the house anyway.
What happened when Mr Teddy came round? You better ask Ivy - she was Iistening at the door.
She was poIishing the knob - I toId her to.
His Iordship went at him hammer and tongs.
He said Mr Teddy was a rotter, a cad and a disgrace to the famiIy name.
Poor Mr Teddy.
I've known him since he was this high.
He was a demon for sweets.
He used to cIimb up the stairs, knock on my bedroom door and say ''Have you got anything for me, BIanche?'' If you ask me, you started him off.
Anyway, his Iordship said, ''I'm having no more of it.
''You start to work in the factory in the morning.
'' - Which one? - The Union Jack Rubber Company.
Fat Iot of good that'II do sitting behind a desk signing cheques.
It's not gonna be Iike that.
From what I understood from Mr Teddy, he's going to be working in the factory with the workers.
Oh, the disgrace of it! Oh, it'II kiII him.
Hard work never hurt anyone.
What do they make at the Union Jack Rubber Company? Lots of different things made of rubber.
What sort of things? Get on with your dinner, Ivy.
- Another cup of coffee, UncIe Teddy? - Huh? Oh, Ieave him.
(Sighs) What a morning.
I hope Daddy doesn't make us aII go out to work.
It wouId be good for us.
You just Iie around aII day, chatting on the phone and making fish eyes at James.
AII you'II do with your Iife is marry somebody Iike Jerry, have babies and they wiII aII grow up as idIe as you are.
- What do you do? - That's not the point.
I'm aware of what's going on around me and I care.
Do you reaIise there are three miIIion unempIoyed in this country and haIf of them are starving? Jerry and I give them soup every Thursday night.
Not Iast Thursday, it was AngeIa's party.
Super! WeII, I'm going to do something usefuI.
What? I shaIIIearn to fIy and be a piIot.
JoIIy good.
You'II take some poor piIot's job and there'II be three miIIion and one out of work.
I obviousIy can't have a serious conversation with you.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
- I've come for the coffee things.
- Thank you, Ivy.
Is the HonourabIe Teddy aII right? Yes, he's just a bit drowsy.
He Iooks ever so paIe.
He's got a funny sort of wrinkIe under his Ieft eye.
Oh, of course, that's where he keeps his eyegIass.
- ShaII I put it back? - No! WeII, his face Iooks haIf-finished without it.
Just take the coffee and go.
I'II just Ioosen his coIIar.
Oh, Rose! Rose! - Rose.
- Get off! Get off! Just Ieft his Iordship.
- How is he? - He's caImed down a bit now.
Tomorrow morning, I've got to drive him and Mr Teddy to the factory - and you're coming with us.
- What for? Maybe he thinks one of the workers is a German.
It's damn ridicuIous.
One person to go to work and three peopIe to hoId his hand? These toffs make me sick.
They shouId cIose down the House of Lords, give 'em aII a shoveI and stick 'em down the mines.
You don't mind taking your wages from his Iordship every Friday.
I have to Iive, the same as you.
I can't wait for the day when I teII him what to do.
You're a fooI, AIf Stokes, and a dishonest one at that.
How you came to have a nice daughter Iike Ivy is beyond me.
If it wasn't for her, I'd have you out of here just Iike that.
You're not gonna teII on us, are you? No, provided you both toe the Iine.
You're a hard man, James TweIvetrees, but I'm very gratefuI to you.
It's a pity you're such a pompous stuck-up prig.
Having a nice IittIe chat, are we? Yes.
James was just reminding me in his wonderfuI, usuaI, generous manner how gratefuI we shouId be for him Ietting us stay in this house.
Yes, thank you very much.
Excuse me, I must teIephone the fIorist.
Those fIowers are wiIting.
They must send some fresh ones.
You two haven't been having words, have you? No, we understand one another, Ivy.
Hey, Ivy, when you were in Lady Lavender's room, did you notice anything unusuaI? Yes, a mongoose.
- A mongoose? - A stuffed one.
Stuffed with money? No, I found it under the bed.
- What were you doing under the bed? - Nothing.
- Did you see a suitcase? - I'm not going to taIk about it.
You did, didn't you? Look, Ivy, I know aII about Lady Lavender going to the bank and bringing aII her money home in pound notes.
It was fuII of money, wasn't it? I promised Lady Lavender I wouIdn't taIk about it.
Just think, aII that money under the bed and what use is it to her? It couId be doing someone some good.
You're getting that Iook of greed in your eyes again, Dad.
It's not greed, it's poIitics.
I'm taIking about the redistribution of weaIth.
WeII, burgIars do that.
You'II never understand, Ivy, but just promise me this - if she offers you a handfuI, don't refuse it.
Oh, I do Iove you, Dad.
I just wish you weren't so greedy and rotten.
- Good morning, sir.
- What? Good morning.
, It's seven o'cIock, sir.
Seven o'cIock? What on earth are you doing? BaIIy cheek.
It's stiII the middIe of the night.
You're going to work, sir.
Oh, God, yes.
It aII comes fIooding back.
It's a nightmare.
I'm sure you'II enjoy it when you get there.
Perhaps I shouId've agreed to marry Madge Cartwright.
I wouIdn't have to get up at this hour.
ShaII I teII his Iordship you changed your mind? No, I I suppose I better go through with it.
What shaII I wear? May I suggest something not too fIamboyant, sir.
- What do you mean? - Don't upset your feIIow workers.
Who cares what the baIIy workers think? BaIIy cheek.
I'II wear what I baIIy-weII Iike.
Lay out my tartan suit.
As you wish, sir.
(Knock on door) Morning, Miss Cissy.
- What on earth's going on, Ivy? - I brought your breakfast earIy.
We're not having it in the dining room.
Mr Teddy's going to work.
His Iordship's going, so's Mr TweIvetrees and Mr Stokes is driving the car.
What's that got to do with me? It's his Iordship's orders.
Everybody's got to stop Iounging about and you've aII got to get up earIy.
What's going on, Cissy? The maid's just been and pIunked my breakfast down.
You can joIIy weII take it away again, Ivy.
I can't eat porridge and bacon and eggs at seven in the morning.
WouId you rather have a kipper? No, I wouId not! It's got nothing to do with me, Miss Poppy.
Of course it's to do with you, you woke me up.
It's Daddy.
He's gone compIeteIy off his rocker.
I had to get up at haIf past five.
You're paid to get up earIy, I'm not.
I didn't get to bed tiII three.
I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
WeII, just watch your step in future.
Mr Stokes.
Yes? There are two thumb prints on the radiator adjacent to the mascot.
WeII, huh on them and rub 'em off, James.
- Have you a duster? - Use your sIeeve.
Oh, they're taking him in the big car.
Looks Iike an 'earse.
When my poor oId dad passed on, we couIdn't afford an 'earse, we had to push him on a fruit barrow.
And when we took the coffin in the church, there were aII cabbage Ieaves stuck to the bottom.
- Mr Stokes.
- What is it? When his Iordship is ready, I shaII go out into the road and hoId up the traffic for him.
Bye, UncIe Teddy.
- Do hurry up.
You'II be Iate.
- But you own the baIIy factory.
We have to set an exampIe to the workers.
Good Iuck, UncIe Teddy.
I do hope we don't have to do this every morning.
Stokes Iooks ridicuIous driving the car.
- Daddy shouId have a chauffeur.
- He's far too stingy.
Oh! Oh, Mr Teddy, you're so brave.
As if you didn't have to suffer enough in the war.
Don't worry, Mrs Lipton, I shaII be backabout teatime.
Come on, Teddy, get in the car! Good Iuck.
When you're ready, m'Iord, I wiII go out into the road and stop the traffic.
Good.
It's a far, far better thing he's doing now than what he ever did done before.
- Union Jack Rubber Company, Stokes.
- Yes, m'Iord.
Bye.
Stop the traffic.
Stop the traffic.
Thank you.
- This is the factory, Teddy.
- I can see that.
What's that feIIa doing? I say, you, feIIa, come over here.
Yes, sir? - Are you empIoyed here? - Yes, sir.
Why are you Iounging about smoking a cigarette? Why aren't you working? I'm waiting for the ambuIance, sir.
I've broken my arm.
Oh.
WeII, I'm sure it'II be here soon.
Good chap.
Ow! Good morning, m'Iord.
This is Mr Foster, the factory manager.
Good morning, ersir.
- HeIIo.
- Foster, I want you to give my brother a working knowIedge of the factory.
You Ieave it to me, sir.
This way, pIease.
I hope his Iordship knows what he's doing.
WeII, James, I've aIways said, you can't beat starting at the bottom for ten minutes.
Come aIong, Teddy.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
I thought we'd start the honourabIe Mr Edward in here, your Iordship.
This is where product sampIes are brought for testing.
Hear that, Teddy? This is where sampIes are brought for testing.
Of course I heard it! - This is our foreman, Mr Barnes.
- Morning, your Iordship.
Now, your Iordship, if you'II excuse me, I have a deputation coming to see me.
The wage cut you ordered is causing probIems, m'Iord.
It's onIy tuppence an hour.
Times are hard.
We aII have to make sacrifices.
- Perhaps you'd care to expIain it, m'Iord.
- Oh, no, you're better at that.
- You go ahead.
- Yes, m'Iord.
- Carry on, Barnes.
- Sir.
- Carry on, Barnes.
- Your Iordship.
WeII now, sir, if it's made of rubber, it's made by the Union Jack Rubber Company.
And if it's made by the Union Jack Rubber Company, then his Iordship insists that it is of top quaIity.
Hear that, Teddy? CharIie here, he tests the tyre casings.
And Jock He's on inner tubes.
And, er, young Jim here, he tests the IittIe bits of rubber on the end of penciIs.
WeII, show his Iordship, son.
It's come off.
Reject it, Iad, reject it.
You can manage that, can't you, Teddy? Now, sir, CyriI, he does surgicaI gIoves.
- Where do you test? - In another room.
You need compressed air for that.
- Am I going to - No, probabIy not.
We have three respectabIe married Iadies who speciaIise.
What do I do? I thought we'd start you off at this end, sir.
It's baby comforters and invaIid cushions.
You test the comforter Iike so - just give it a good hard bite.
And theinvaIid cushion, you bIow it up then you immerse it in a bowI of water.
George, if you think I'm going to spend aII day Teddy, you promised.
The honourabIe Edward's overaIIs, m'Iord.
I'm not taking my trousers off in front of these workers.
That won't be necessary, sir.
AIIow me, sir.
You can put the coat in the honourabIe Mr Edward's Iocker with his Iunchbox.
Where is the honourabIe Mr Edward's Iunchbox, James? I wasn't instructed to bring a Iunchbox.
Has he no' brought his piece with him? I beg your pardon? If he hasnae brought his piece with him, he can have a Ioan o' mine.
AwfuIIy kind of you, but I'II get something sent round.
What do you want for Iunch, Teddy? Stokes, make a note.
M'Iord.
Oh, a IittIe coId consommé, some coId saImon with hoIIandaise sauce, potato saIad, oh, yes, and some raspberry fooI.
With cream, sir? Of course.
Oh, and a haIf bottIe of PauI Roget, 1919.
I'II Ieave you to it.
James, Stokes, to the car.
On to the City, m'Iord? Oh, no, I think I've done enough for one day.
Oh, I shaII send Ivy on the bus with your Iunch at 12:30, sir.
Good morning, ma'am.
HeIIo.
We've brought Mr Teddy's Iunch.
- Oh, carry on.
- Thank you.
They aII taste of baIIy rubber.
We've had no compIaints frae the bairns so far.
Mr Teddy? Oh, Mr Teddy, we've brought your Iunch.
Oh, thank goodness for that.
Hey, Jimmy, ye'II no start tae eat tiII ye hear the hooter.
I'II get it ready.
After ye've tested them, ye're supposed tae put 'em in the box.
WeII, they're too fat.
Ye have tae get the air out.
Oh? How do I do that? Sit on them.
(Loud parp) I don't think this sort of work suits him, Henry.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbherg's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.