A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

I am so glad Dina set us up.
I've never met a woman like you.
You're the total package.
I really think we have something special.
The only thing special we have is seafood, so do you want crab legs or what? Hi, it's me.
I'm Trinity.
You're on a date with me.
You can tell because I'm sitting across the table from you.
You know what? I'm not explaining this again.
I'll come back.
No, wait, wait.
I'm sorry if I made you feel any type of way.
My bad.
I want us to get to know each other.
Actually, I'll go first.
I'll show you a picture of my car.
No need.
I can see everything I need to know.
You have a tan line on your ring finger, so you're recently divorced.
You're wearing a mankle boot and a peacoat indoors, so you stay in a Zara, which means you're either raised upper-middle class or upwardly mobile.
How do you order a steak? - Rare.
- So upper-middle.
But you did get a shape-up before you came, so - Are you looking for something? - A woman.
Not like that.
I'm a I'm a spy.
This is my first mission.
What, you don't believe me? I can get my spy on.
I shouldn't even be telling you this, but honestly, who are you gonna tell? They sent me a photo of the woman that I'm supposed to kill.
My target's name is 333-something.
It's Trinity.
Shit, it is.
Who sent you? Who wants to have me killed? I don't know.
They just put the pictures in the envelope.
- So you really don't know more? - No.
Dina? You came to check up on my date? Well, good call.
Can you believe he tried to kill me? Believe it? I hired him.
Never trust a man to do a woman's job.
- You set me up to set me up? - Yep.
I thought it'd be nice to send you on one date before I kill you.
You didn't need to do me any favors.
I fucks.
Why would you want to kill me? You don't even remember who I am most of the time.
Sorry to interrupt.
It's Trinity's birthday.
- Can you sign her card? - I'm sitting right here.
Well, you can sign it, too.
Just drop it by my desk when you're done, okay? Make sure not to tell Trinity.
I know exactly who you are, Trinity, the CIA's top agent.
You know who should be the top agent? Me! But you keep on sabotaging me.
Like when I was on assignment at a party and I walked in like, "Whoo!" and immediately got made.
And then you, having no idea I was there, traipsed in all discreetly and saved the secretary of state? And you got all the credit! Well, yeah.
I did it.
It's not fair.
And now, it's time for you to pay.
Why don't you just work harder? Maybe try to outshine me honestly? No.
That sounds too hard.
I got another spy award.
Cool.
A Secrecy? I hate you even more! You gotta work on this jealousy thing, Dina.
Something for you to think about in jail.
I'm not going to jail.
No! It was all so simple.
All I had to do was send a message to the CIA Slack channel and now the whole agency thinks you're an enemy of the state.
And now that you've killed me, you've proven it.
You're as dead as I am, Trinity.
This is supposed to be painless.
That hurts very bad.
They don't tell you that.
They don't tell you it hurts! God! Don't just watch me when I die.
This is embarrassing.
You have no sympathy? I'm still alive and it's burning.
No, no, now I'm dead.
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW Let there be light! - Yes! - Oh, my God! Good job, Skye.
Although I have never been in a warehouse with you and been disappointed.
Remember that party? Yeah.
The Squeeze Party.
- That sound nasty.
- It's dope.
It's a day party where there's, like, a human centipede but with massages.
I'ma squeeze my way out of here and go check out all these goodies.
Wait for me, 'cause I don't want to hear any more about that.
So tell me more about this massage party.
Now what all things can I squeeze? This is perfect.
Until we learn how to grow our own food, we can use all these MREs.
- Good thinking, Robin.
- Go off, MREs! Hey, yo! We found some MREs.
- What are MREs? - Meals Ready to Eat.
The Marines use 'em.
And check this out.
We got chili, apple turnovers, chicken fajitas.
I wonder if this was a military warehouse.
Snap.
They got Tuscan beef.
Y'all, they got Tuscan beef! Tuscan beef is my shit.
They got a stripper pole, y'all! It's about to be L-Valley up in here! Okay, I'ma work on that.
Ain't got nothing but time.
Oh, my God.
This is a signed first edition James Baldwin.
This is crazy.
I mean, the only other signed first edition I ever had was my self-published title, "I Am More Than My Student Loans".
I don't know whether to be more impressed by you or this place.
Yeah.
I get that a lot.
- Look at you with your pretty ass.
- Gab is having a moment.
And you with your 80 proof going down all smooth.
You know, normally, I would make fun of her, but this is justified.
- This place is noice! - All good shit.
- What's that? - Tuscan beef.
Meat in a bag? Okay.
Girl, your kids are calling.
What, Jacobi? I told you not to call me while I'm in Fiji.
I don't care.
Pretend I'm not your mother for the next seven days.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you know where I could find the complimentary coffee? Excuse me, but I am on the phone.
Oh, my God! Do my eyes deceive me? Am I looking at future First Lady Mrs.
Cheyenne Tippins? We have to see about the Senate seat first, but you're right about one thing, though! Okay, we're thinking upstate for the wedding, so you better start watching tickets now.
And start looking for babysitters.
Girl, my kids are banned from every major airline.
Can I touch your hair? It looks so fun! - Okay, Miss Fortune 500! - There she C-E-go! Amara, I haven't seen you since you sold a company, got rich, and stopped returning my text messages.
- How you doin', girl? - I'd say this well.
Freeze! Now turn around slow.
Oh, my God, oh, my God! I did not know Frontier flew to Fiji.
It do.
- Is that thing loaded? - You know I had to make it real.
Yeah, we know how you do.
Now stand back.
I can't risk getting photographed with you.
I'm in politics now! Okay, whatever.
Enough with the pleasantries.
I'm ready to catch some dick.
Now whose room am I staying in? Girl, you need to get your life together and "Queen In".
Okay, Sheryl Scamberg.
Anyway, I was only able to afford a one-way, so we're gonna have to figure that out.
Is your name Serta? 'Cause you're a perfect sleeper.
I'm just playin', girl! Hey, the party has arrived! Damn, y'all lookin'! - Hey, girl! - That's all I get? What's it been? Like, ten years? I missed y'all.
You know, girl, same.
But can we get a minute? Yeah, that's so y'all.
Keeping secrets from me 'cause I be gossiping.
Who the fuck is that? I don't know, but I haven't seen a move that reckless since my youngest broke his principal's neck.
I have an idea.
Hey, girl! We need your government name for check-in.
- What's your full name again? - Girl, quit playin'! You know my name.
Jessica Geyser? Y'all called me Messica 'cause I like to start shit and I know everybody's business.
Like you're the reformed ho who found God, you're the HBIC who's secretly into BDSM.
My safe word is "Queen In".
You're the wild one we gotta watch our purses around.
And you're the exhausted mom whose husband is sleeping with his secretary.
How you doing, girl? Okay, my husband did just have a break baby with his secretary, but I truly do not know who this bitch is.
Oh, my God, girl.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Y'all know me.
Quit playin'.
Okay, you know how we do! I don't do that or know that crew.
Let me do it to the side.
You remember me now? Messica! - What are you doing, girl? - Who are these women? Do you know these women? Why are you talking to these women? Are they with you? Did you invite them on our trip? I know this bitch didn't invite these bitches to our bitch trip.
No, no, no! I don't know them.
Damn, so you just out here chloroforming anybody? I know it's been ten years, but we're your girls.
We're the Cut Up Crew.
That's the Cut Up Crew.
It's the Cut Up Crew, ay, ay! It's the Cut Up Crew, ay, ay! Thank you for coming to our focus group.
The network saw the backlash to last season's "The Real Paper Bag Wives of the DMV Area" and wants to move in a more positive direction.
You should've just hired me as your culture consultant before you even made it.
I would've sent you my 67-tweet thread and you could've just Cash App'd me for my time.
- Absolutely should have, Genisa.
- There was backlash? I didn't watch it, but my girls love that shit.
My whole Links chapter hated it.
Yes, Britnaye.
Also, yes, Davion.
See, this dynamic discussion is exactly why we're here.
We want to get your feedback to our upcoming series, "Black Women Doing Stuff".
- Nope.
- Yeah, pause that shit.
- I have notes.
- Okay.
Opinions already, great.
Why don't you tell me what you see? Actually, sister, it's what we didn't see.
The whole Black, female self.
A show about Black women and the first thing you show us is a disembodied leg? Okay.
Well, I see what you're saying, but she's just getting out of the car.
The shot's not going to linger there.
In a Lexus? Yuck.
I mean, is she poor? Why not have her drive a black Jaguar? Don't link Black women with cats.
- We are not catty.
- Where is she? Look like Rhode Island or some shit.
Ain't no Black people in Rhode Island.
Okay, got it.
No Black folks in Rhode Island.
There absolutely are Black people in Rhode Island.
My husband and I are adjuncts at Brown University, which is a university.
Understood.
Okay.
All professors in Rhode Island are Black.
And where's Ms.
Leg even from? Are classy people from the diaspora excluded from this experience? If she's not a descendant of enslaved peoples, I don't know why I am here.
Yes, I'm hearing all of you.
This is great.
Any positive notes before we move on to the 58 minutes left in this episode? - Did she go to public school? - Why she got on heels? Real niggas wear Jordans.
Skin's a little light to be dark-skinned, a little dark to be light-skinned.
Why only one foot? Are you trying to say that Black women can't afford two feet? And why is she styled to attract a man? Why wouldn't she be styled to attract a man? I don't dress for niggas.
Plus, my nigga's a girl.
Yo, why she ain't got a girl nigga? Black women are gay, too.
Okay.
I didn't expect so many opinions.
My hand hurts.
But that's okay because now we are equipped to make the woke but playful, elitist, but not classist, hood, but not wearing a bonnet in public, upper-middle-lower-class, deep but not shallow, and funny but also serious and natural but with fillers show about Black women that you all want to see.
Hey, what channel is this gonna be on? YouTube? I only have Netflix but I only watch "Wheel of Fortune".
Is this gonna be on "Wheel of Fortune"? You know what? Why don't we just have you back in a couple weeks to see what we come up with? - I'm happy your pen is black.
- What about "Wheel of Fortune"? And this better not have Tokyo Toni.
Trust me, we got it.
After taking into account all of your concerns and criticisms, we realized there's really only one Black woman any of you want to see on screen, so we gave you what you're looking for.
- Who does she think she is? - Nope! - Problematic.
- So cringey.
She thinks she's better than me.
- I'm triggered.
- Y'all weird for this.
Yo, she would never make it into Soul House looking like that.
This is too gay.
But also not gay enough.
- Throw the whole thing away! - This is violence! I don't know why, but this is making me mad.
This food can last us for 147 days.
How do you know that? We haven't even counted 'em all yet.
Just guessing.
I'm pretty good at eyeballing that kind of thing.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time that I did catering for Justin Bieber? - What? - All chicken fingers.
I'm so happy y'all came.
This is exactly how I dreampt it would be.
Did you just say "dreampt" with a puh-sound? Yeah.
As in the past tense of dream.
Yeah, that's dreamt, not dreampt.
You're just saying the same word twice.
Dreampt, dreamt.
I think you dreamt there was a P in that word.
That's like when people say supposably or potentually.
What's wrong with potentually? All I'm saying is I gave myself one and Satan still hasn't appeared, so I think Pastor's been lying to us about this whole orgasm thing.
Now, where is everyone? This shindig ought to be on like poppin' corn by now.
See? It wouldn't have killed us to be late this one time, Tawny.
If you didn't rush me to get here on time, I wouldn't be out here looking like who shot John.
Tawny, I'm frightened! But I'm so glad no one will see my hair now.
Well, it's all right, Hazel.
We'll be fine.
Thank goodness.
I think I peed my petticoat a little bit.
Dear God! Ashy people! No, Hazel, I think those are zombies! Also terrifying.
You don't want to eat us! Eat someone else.
There's no one else here.
Hi.
I'm Commanch Pitters II, Blackstorian.
On the evening of October 8th, 1896, Tawny Murrow and Hazel Fields were eaten to death simply for being on time to a party.
The trauma of this senseless tragedy reverberates across generations of Black people who refuse to be on time for anything for fear of meeting certain death.
Despite popular belief, the "CP" in "CP time" does not stand for "colored people", but rather, for "corpse people", as a reminder to be late enough so that corpse people don't eat your brains out.
Also, while I have you here, your great grandmother was not part Cherokee.
Good night.
Bad zombie! Stop eating me! I like the way you do that right thurr! If it's your first time up in hurr Well, put your hands in the urr If you a bike connoisseur And let me hear you say, "skrrt"! Skrrt, skrrt! That's right.
You got it, warriors! Now, this class is all about shedding the weight of your last relationship to trap music! Let's go! Okay, now, Erin! Keep up the stamina.
Push it hard! Pedal past the heartbreak.
Let it out! Tell 'em what he did to you.
We'd been dating for two years.
Everything was great.
He even let me spend the night.
Once.
But then I found out he has a whole wife! No, no, no, no! If he wastes your years, he don't deserve your tears.
That's why I immediately broke off my common law engagement to Keedrick after only 12 years.
- 12 years? - That's right.
Quick-like! Now let's turn it up! One, two, three, four! You don't need that nigga no more! Delete his number from your phone Get like me and drink alone.
Let's go! Okay, Tia! I see you! Now tell 'em why you mad this week! Well, we met on Monday, texted all day Tuesday, but then when I told him I loved him on Wednesday, he replied, unsubscribe.
Oh, no! If he don't love you by day three Go on and set that pussy free, wap! Let's go! Here we go! Everybody, let's work.
Do the dive, do the roll One leg up, let him go I get what you're saying, but I still want a man.
Girl, you don't need a man! This bike is responsible for my last 52 53 orgasms.
And it never stood me up.
All right now! Come on now, newbie! What fuckboy brings you to class this week? Well, damn! Jericho used to be my fiancé.
He was so good to me.
Good job, great sex, better money.
All right, well, get to the shit he did to you.
Class is almost over, boo! Damn.
He had the nerve to leave me because I cheated once or five times.
That's too bad.
So is he seeing someone new? I don't know.
I stopped by his house and he wouldn't even talk to me.
Okay.
And where is his house, warrior? Be specific! Off 5th and Decatur.
5th and Decatur, I know that hood I'ma be right back, I'ma see what's good Look, guys! Who am I? "I have 12 jobs and this is just one.
" "Can someone hurry up and sign for this, please?" I got the package here, didn't I? Everybody isn't meant to be a one-job person, Laci.
Hey, I have lots of jobs.
Personal trainer, part-time thotty, full-time hotty.
Shit, bitch.
This is heavy.
What's in here? I don't know.
As a courier, I took a Shippocratic oath.
I would never open a package.
I didn't take an oath.
- Dibs.
- It's so thick.
No wonder it was so heavy.
I've never seen a black one before.
Oh, shit.
Bryanni is twerking on Deshawn.
He might as well open a joint checking account now, 'cause I never seen a man resist a Bryanni bust down.
I mean, the girl can move.
Remember that time she out-danced Les Twins at a Shake Shack? Remember? Girl, that's how we got free burgers for life.
Lock him down, Bryanni! No need to applaud.
I'm the one who makes it clap.
Excuse me! Did you just yawn while I was twerking on you? No, girl.
I wasn't yawning.
I was just stretching my throat.
Is my booty bouncing boring you? 'Cause I'm giving you rhythm and you got the blues.
Damn.
Is her ass a copy of "Goodnight Moon"? I never thought I'd see a man sleep on Bryanni.
I mean, is her butt broken? Is the check engine light on? This is more embarrassing than when I ran into my pastor, my daddy, and the man I'm cheating on on my walk of shame last week.
Girl, you gotta quit walking down MLK.
I cannot watch this anymore.
Girl, we will catch you at the Waffle Barn.
Bye, Bryanni.
Bye, sleepy boy.
Hell, no.
I am not about to go out like this.
I gotta hit him with the Twerque Du Soleil.
Silk pajamas? Deshawn, you dressed like a walking durag! These aren't pajamas.
I'm just trying to get waves in my leg hair.
I'm trying to be as slick as you.
What the hell? Sleepytime tea? Hell, no! I got you now! I see your little friend came out to play! What the fuck? Did this nigga go night-night? Let me hit him with a George Foreman Grill.
Heat on both sides! Never trust a man to do a woman's job.
Nope, it's all the way down in my butt now.
But I'm gonna bring it out.
Okay? I'm gonna bring this gun out.
And this gun's gonna come out and there it is.
You're as dead as I am, Trinity.
Trust me.
You got it.
Are you trying to say that Black women can't afford two feet? I'll have you know I have a third foot.
Shit! - Girl, it is so hot.
- I got you.
Thank you, girl.
You know synthetic sweat, dear friend.
- Let me drop it low.
- Lower.
I can get it lower.
Y'all remember this? - You remember me now? - Vaguely.
It's the Cut Up Crew, ay, ay! Looked straight into the camera! Y'all know me! You know how we do! It's the Cut Up Crew