A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

1 [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away At school the Baudelaires Are forced to live in an old shack Comfort, joy, and safety Are among the things they lack They run a lot of laps Which keeps them in fantastic shape But you're the one who ought to take This chance for an escape Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away [CARMELITA.]
Who can't be beat? [ALL.]
A dead horse! - [CARMELITA.]
Who can't be beat? - [ALL.]
A dead horse! Who can't be beat? A dead horse! - Who can't be beat? - [ALL.]
A dead horse! "School spirit" is a curious term.
The phrase might sound as if it refers to a ghost or other undead phantasm haunting an educational establishment like very old gum clinging to a trophy case.
What "school spirit" actually refers to is the belief one particular school is better than another.
[STUDENTS.]
Our particular school is better than others! Though, as the Baudelaires were about to learn, there are worse things that can haunt a school.
- I love the energy.
I love it! [CHUCKLES.]
- [STUDENTS CHEERING.]
- Okay, everyone, settle down.
- Settle down? Do you hear what Vice Principal Shapiro just said? - Nero.
- "Settle down.
" How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth.
"Settle," a word which here means "settling for less," and "down," my personal least favorite direction.
Let me tell you a story.
Some years ago, a woman came to me.
She needed my help.
"Coach Genghis," she said to me, "I'm a failure.
I have no job.
My love life is in the pits.
I can't seem to lose these last 20 pounds.
" I bet that describes just about every one of you, am I right? - Um, they're schoolchildren.
- Exactly.
And what did I say to her? Do you think I told her to settle down? Answer me, pippity-squeaks! Do you think I told her to settle down? - Probably not! - [ALL.]
Probably not! Probably not, indeed.
I told her to stand up.
I told her to actualize and incentivize.
I told her to keep her eyes in the clouds and her feet on the stars.
Do you know what happened? She died in a mysterious fire.
- Wait, what? - Settling down is what losers do.
- But the woman you were talking about - Settling down started World War I.
Okay, but the story you were telling Settling down is what happens when you bite your lip, and your lip gets swollen, so you bite your lip again, and then you keep biting your lip over and over.
I don't want that.
Do you want that, Prufrock Prep? - [STUDENTS.]
No! - Let's bring in the violin! [VIOLIN PLAYING.]
The whole school is falling for the treachery of an unhinged villain.
That always happens at pep rallies.
This might be our only chance to stop him.
Sunny, stay here.
[BABBLES.]
- [VIOLET.]
Stop the music.
- [STUDENTS GASP.]
- Everyone, listen, please! - How dare you interrupt a genius! And his guest violinist.
This man is not a genius.
This man is an impostor.
The term is "improviser.
" This so-called gym teacher is the notorious villain Count Olaf.
As long as he's at Prufrock Preparatory, nobody is safe.
That's not true.
You're jealous.
Throw them off the stage, and I'll start my dance over with extra twirls.
Well said, adorable cheerleader.
This man is Count Olaf.
We can prove it.
The Baudelaires seem like honest and decent people.
We should listen to what they have to say.
Down in back.
Count Olaf, who is wanted by the authorities for suspicion of fraud, theft, murder and child endangerment.
- And arson.
- Who has one eyebrow instead of two.
Why, there's nothing wrong with being bushy.
If I open my shirt now, you - If Count Olaf took off his turban - Isn't she marvelous, everybody? I'm afraid my two glorious eyebrows will remain hidden underneath this turban, which I wear for religious reasons.
- [VIOLET GRUNTS.]
- And what religion might that be? Reconstructionist Judaism.
[MUMBLES.]
Reconst ism.
Yes, that.
I would never ask you to remove your turban.
I'm against religious persecution, but I can't speak for the orphans.
Olaf can also be identified by the tattoo of an eye on his ankle.
[GASPS.]
My body is a temple, young man.
I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence.
Why don't you take off your shoes and prove it? - Absolutely not.
- Is that for religious reasons, too? No, it's because taking your shoes and socks off is gross.
We can compare Genghis to the photograph of Olaf in The Daily Punctilio.
You sound like a boring librarian.
Plus, we don't need newspapers now that we have our advanced computer system.
Oh.
Uh, you mean that computer.
He's sweating.
He's nervous.
No, I'm not.
[STUTTERS.]
I have naturally leaky pores.
Will you and your pores please stand in front of this very expensive electronic device and just clear this matter up, once and for all? I, uh Mmm, this reminds me of a story.
[SHUDDERS.]
[COMPUTER WHIRRING.]
- [BEEPS.]
- [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
[BOTH SIGH.]
- See? - Yeah, see? I think this calls for a little democracy, my second favorite style of government.
How many of you want to hear more tiresome accusations hurled at an innocent man from orphans? Investigate further! We demand that this issue get further scrutiny! [SIGHS.]
And who here wants to hear about an exciting new program that is sure to blast your school spirit right out your blowhole? [ALL CHEER.]
[PLAYING VIOLIN.]
Students! Faculty! Don't worry if every exercise program you have tried has failed you, because I am here to fail you more by putting the "whip" back into "whip you into shape.
" Everyone, get on your feet, and let's try something that I invented one lonely night at a truck stop, called jumping jacks.
Here we go.
Ready? One! Two! Okay.
All right.
All right.
Let's cool it down.
Let's cool it down.
We don't want to ham up the old hamstrings.
Whoa! [GROANS.]
Oh, God, can someone say, "Class dismissed - for ice water and some deep breaths"? - Um I know.
I'll be okay.
I just need a second.
[GROANS.]
- But the - [OLAF.]
What? What? Yeah.
Oh.
[STAMMERS.]
Yes! Yes! One last thing, everybody.
As anyone who has been to junior college knows, orphans tend to have unsound bodies, which leads to paranoia, delusion and untapped wealth.
That's why I have developed the Special Orphans Running Exercises, or S.
O.
R.
E.
for short, which I will be offering to a few select students.
Will the orphans in the house please stand? Okay, okay.
I choose you.
And oh, you.
And little baby secretary I've heard so much about.
[BABBLES.]
The three of you will report to the athletics field at sundown and every night until further notice.
This does not excuse you from missing my nightly violin recital.
You're going to owe me candy.
That's the sort of leadership I was talking about.
You are a genius.
- You're a genius for noticing.
- You're the genius for saying so.
- You're a genius for agreeing.
- All right, I'm the genius.
Drat! Everybody is dismissed! This pep rally is over.
Whatever you're up to, Count Olaf, we will put a stop to it.
[AS OLAF.]
Really? Because it seems to me if you had the skills to stop me, we wouldn't be having this batch of episodes in your new lives.
Oh, orphans, your parents really taught you nothing at all.
They taught us to survive.
Well, I guess those who can't do, teach.
[BOTH SIGH.]
See you at sundown.
He found us again.
Everywhere we go, he shows up to steal our fortune.
How can he get our fortune as a gym teacher? There's treachery lurking in most exercise programs.
I can't believe he fooled everyone again.
Not everyone.
Don't worry, Baudelaires.
Don't feel disgrace.
The Quagmire triplets are on the case.
You're kind and generous, but we can't let you get involved.
Violet's right.
Olaf is too dangerous.
He's too dangerous for you to face alone.
We can run away.
All of us.
Our parents own the famous Quagmire Sapphires, so when we come of age, we can live on our own.
We're not of age yet.
Besides, we tried running away and ended up working in a lumber mill.
Count Olaf still found us there.
That's a picture of our parents.
- Our parents, too.
- They did know each other.
We had this photo in our library.
We never paid attention to it.
I bet there were other mysteries we never noticed.
- Like a spyglass.
- Or a book.
We need to survive long enough to find it.
The librarian said to check back in a day or so.
We don't have a day or so.
It's almost sundown.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I'm here to deliver a special message to the Baudelaires.
The sun is setting, hooray Hooray Coach Genghis sent me here to say The Baudelaire orphans go to the field And my name is Carmelita! That doesn't rhyme.
Only cake-sniffers care about poetic form.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[LARRY.]
"He laughed at his own foolishness.
Ha-ha-ha.
As he laughed, he noted the numbness in his bare fingers.
Also, he noted the feeling which had come to his toes when he sat down was already fading away.
He wondered whether the toes were warm or numb.
He moved them inside the moccasins.
" [JACQUES.]
Jack London, if I'm not mistaken.
- What? - [JACQUES.]
The story you were just reciting is by Jack London.
Snicket? Jacques Snicket.
Did somebody call for a taxi? [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
[AS GENGHIS.]
Punctuation, orphans.
Punctuation.
- Punctuation? - The art of arriving not late.
That's punctuality.
You said to be here at sundown.
We're not late.
That's curious.
Someone just referred to you as the late Baudelaires.
Maybe they were talking about your parents.
That reminds me of a story that I'm gonna tell you.
Some years ago, a set of wealthy children came to me, needing my help.
There were three of them, one of each.
Girl, boy and baby.
"Coach Genghis," they said to me, "we're failures.
Our parents have abandoned us for careers as burnt-up skeletons.
We have nothing in our lives but all these bags of money, and they're making us failures who read books and stuff.
" And do you know what I told them? I know this one.
Did you tell them to stand up? They were already standing.
To actualize and incentivize? That doesn't mean anything.
I told them to put on some very expensive running shoes and then to take this bucket of luminous paint.
"Luminous" is a word I invented for things that glow in the dark.
We know what "luminous" means.
And then they are to drag this bucket around and around until they have made a luminous circle on the ground.
That's it? Yes, that's my exercise program.
Genius ideas are simple, like the wheel or neurosurgery.
The orphans will run around and around and around in a circle to exercise their mother- and father-less legs.
Um, okay, but what are you going to tell the Baudelaires to do? - What am I - Yeah.
- It's the same.
- What's the same? Isn't it time for your little light to shine? Oh, I need a few minutes to rosin my bow.
Don't say that in front of the children.
- Whatever you're up to, Olaf, we will - [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
I've got to get the book to the Baudelaires.
Try not to speak until we get some hot chocolate in you.
Well, well, if it isn't a cake-sniffer and his cake-sniffing friend.
You must be Carmelita Spats.
How do you know who I am? I work for an organization that keeps tabs on young people of interest.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, obviously.
I'm interesting.
Interesting can mean a few different things.
A polka-dot suit is interesting, but no one looks good in one.
This man here is my friend, and I don't appreciate anyone mistreating my friends, no matter what age they are.
Oh, and by the way, I believe it takes one to know one.
Cake-sniffer.
- You stood up for me.
- Going back to school can be traumatic.
That's why I keep a trauma blanket in my cab.
My hero.
Quagmires! What can I do for you two triplets? We know it's after hours, but did you find that book? I'm sorry.
I know you're desperate to get it.
It's not just the book.
There's a whole mystery.
[OLIVIA.]
There certainly is.
I couldn't find the book, so I poked around.
It's not in any system.
It's like it doesn't exist.
Who dares not be in the auditorium for my recital? The children had a question about the library.
The library is closed until further notice by order of the gym teacher.
He can't close the library.
I should have looked over his contract more closely.
Or at all.
He's also designated the freezer as off-limits, so there go all my Popsicles.
It's only temporary, though, until he gets his Special Orphans Running Exercises and what he wants, something, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Now get moving, twins.
- We're not twins.
- Our brother Quigley "Our brother Quigley died in a fire.
" I know.
Try to work up some pleasant small talk for a change.
[OLIVIA SIGHS.]
[OLAF BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Keep running, orphans.
Run for your lives.
- What are we doing? - Uh, running in circles.
How does that help Olaf steal our fortune? - I don't know.
- Something else has to happen.
There's no way he'll make us run laps all night.
[PANTING.]
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
I brought you a quintuple macchiato so you can make them run all night.
You want me to keep you company? - I know I get lonely sometimes.
- Why don't you check out the concert? Oh.
Okay.
That's what I'm saying.
Olaf is here.
My disguise was discovered.
[STUTTERS.]
The library is closed, and there's a girl who keeps tap dancing.
- Jacquelyn.
- You can't leave the Baudelaires alone.
They've made friends.
There's a stunningly skillful librarian who's keeping an eye on them.
You should see her shelve books.
There's one book I'm worried about.
Did you give it to the Baudelaires? I'm sorry.
I'll go right back now and Jacquelyn.
I need to get Larry into the city to be treated for frostbite and overexposure to off-brand dishwashing liquid.
I'll leave the meter running and be back at Prufrock soon.
I'm leaving for the day, and I'll be buying some candy.
Hurry.
These are dark days.
That night was indeed a dark day.
All nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly-lit version of day.
But a dark day also refers to a time when something terrible is going on.
It was a dark day for Count Olaf's troupe, who were not good enough actors to pretend to be awake.
It was a dark day in the history of music, as Vice Principal Nero, who could not play violin, insisted for several hours on doing so anyway.
It was a dark day for the Quagmires, who hoped to help the Baudelaires any way they could.
And it was a dark day for the faculty, including Mr.
Remora, who was developing a sore on his lip, and Mrs.
Bass, who would be arrested shortly for bank robbery.
Not to mention the school librarian, whose own fate would be even worse.
[SIGHS.]
[PLAYING VIOLIN.]
But, of course, the night was the darkest day for the Baudelaires, as they ran lap after lap after lap after lap night after night - after night after night - [BOTH PANTING.]
- [OLAF BLOWING WHISTLE.]
- knowing nothing of Count Olaf's plan.
Nothing of how they could defeat his treachery.
Nothing but their own desperate exhaustion - [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- acute boredom, and the terrifying knowledge that always approaching was another dark day, a phrase which here means - "more time at school.
" - [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Pop quiz.
Everybody grab a piece of paper and write down everything they remember about the time I spilled soup on my sweater, including the vegetables in the soup, the washing instructions for the sweater and the number of geese on the farm where my in-laws opened their bed and breakfast.
Pop quiz! Question number one.
What is the circumference of yesterday's pomegranate? Question two.
What are the dimensions of the vault at Mulctuary Money Management? Question three.
How far apart in decimeters are the security cameras? I need you to really pay attention to these numbers - and give me exactly what I'm asking for.
- [SNORING.]
Dear Mr.
Mozart, I have now written you six times and I can think of no possible reason why you've not replied.
Perhaps you're afraid - of a little competition? - [SUNNY SNORING.]
[NERO.]
If I'm not mistaken, you've written 41 symphonies.
I've written over 4,000.
I'm writing one right now.
It's called, "Why Won't You Write Me Back?" [CONTINUES SNORING.]
You must be on your last leg.
I haven't been this exhausted since I stayed up all night with my first Tesla coil.
At least you weren't late to class.
[KLAUS.]
I've never flunked a test, but I got every measurement wrong.
Of course you flunked.
Olaf has been making you run laps every night.
We're no closer to figuring out his scheme.
It's like that luminous circle he made us paint is a giant glowing zero.
We know zero about it.
He's hoping you'll be so sick of running, you'll hand over your fortune? He's had stranger plans.
If only the library weren't closed - Cake-sniffers talking about a library.
- [VIOLET SIGHS.]
Is there anything less adorable? Go away, Carmelita.
We're not in the mood.
But I'm here to deliver a special message to the Baudelaires.
Vice Principal Nero Wants to see you right away Because he's very mad at you today I'm the cutest girl in town And my name is Carmelita! It doesn't rhyme.
Cake-sniffers are all jealous of me Because I'm C-U-T-T-E Dancing and singing is my thing And my name is Carmelita! None of this rhymes! Songs have to rhyme.
- There's 12 more verses! - We get the message.
Coach Genghis tells me that even after running laps for nine hours, you remain out of shape and winded.
Your teachers say you've flunked quizzes in personal anecdotes and measuring random objects.
And finally, don't even get me started on Sunny's employee evaluation.
I couldn't be more disgusted if I'd written it myself.
- You did write it yourself.
- [MOCKINGLY.]
"You did write it yourself.
" Luckily, your new gym teacher has a solution.
Jim.
[AS GENGHIS.]
Let me tell you a story.
[KLAUS GROANS.]
- Homeschooling.
- What? Homeschooling.
It means staying at home, sitting at your kitchen table, instead of clogging up a classroom.
Vice Principal Nero, Mr.
Poe specifically placed us at Prufrock.
Mr.
Poe wants us to stay here at least a trimester.
Keep your grades up, or I'll toss you three out on your ears.
Your wealthy ears.
Tomorrow morning, your teachers will give you both more-or-less comprehensive exams in front of the whole school.
And for Sunny, a professional reappraisal featuring a special sequence of demeaning menial tasks.
If you fail, it's off to Coach Genghis' Ultra-Dynamic Life-Ending Workshop.
[CHUCKLES.]
- We'll pass those exams.
- Of course we will.
If you'll excuse us, we're going to study in our shack.
You don't have much time.
You're due at the athletic field for Special Orphan Running Exercises in a matter of hours.
- We still have to run laps? - Of course.
And it doesn't mean you'll be excused from the violin recital.
- Looks like more candy for me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
We can't study for comprehensive exams and run laps all night.
We'd have to be two places at once.
Consider this a learning experience, orphans.
It's important you figure out the balance between academics and extracurricular activities.
[SIGHS.]
Listen to us! This man is [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
Oh, goodness, how careless of me.
Now, what is it you were saying? [KLAUS.]
Violet, Olaf is waiting for us at sundown.
We don't have much time.
- I said we don't have - I've got it.
We're listening.
Coast is clear.
[SIGHS.]
Find some glasses.
[SIGHS.]
This'll work.
- [KLAUS.]
These'll come in handy.
- We need something for the body.
- Flour.
- Perfect.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[SHOES TAPPING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
[MUFFLED CHUCKLES.]
[CARMELITA VOCALIZES.]
[CHOMPING.]
I'm impressed you know how to pick a lock.
You'd be surprised how often it comes in handy.
This knot's called the Devil's Tongue.
It was invented by female Finnish pirates in the 15th century.
How do I look? Different.
Which is good.
Not that you didn't look good before.
I mean, you do, you did, do look Sunny, how are those glasses coming? You guys can still back out now.
We can find another way to pass the test.
- My sister and I won't sit - [SHUSHES.]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
We'd better hurry.
- [DUNCAN.]
Us, too.
I have this feeling we're never going to see you again.
You could go back to your broom closet and forget about this.
- Is that what your parents would do? - Our parents aren't here.
I bet they taught you the same thing our parents taught us.
- What? - What friends are for.
We have to be careful sneaking out.
You guys go first, and we'll wait till it's clear.
Duncan you'll need these.
Perfect.
[KLAUS.]
And Isadora, take this.
Keep it.
If anything goes wrong, you might need a spyglass.
I don't think anything will go wrong.
We'll see you Baudelaires before long.
[KLAUS SIGHS.]
- What was that? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- A couplet.
Sitting with friends, talking about something important is one of the most powerful and necessary forces in the world.
It is the way so many noble organizations begin, with a conversation between associates - or even brothers.
- [WHISTLING.]
People gathered together to fight treachery, as the Baudelaires and Quagmires gathered together at Prufrock, is the reason that so much wickedness is defeated.
My brother told me that.
I'd give anything to sit and talk with him again.
[BOTH WHISTLING.]
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- [AS OLAF.]
You're late! - [PANTING.]
Sorry, boss.
Not you.
Them.
[PANTING.]
That waiter is long gone.
We searched everywhere.
- Mysterious! - Somebody broke him out by smashing the door.
- Dastardly! - And then they left in a taxi.
- Expensive.
- Enough! Leave me alone so I can finish my plan.
Me, too? I can't believe I'm here.
Staying up all night in the athletic field waiting for things to go my way, just like when I was in school.
My whole life is going around and around in circles.
Like those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.
- Aw.
- Well, it ends here.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
All right, orphans, start going around and around in circles.
[OLAF BLOWS WHISTLE.]
What did Mr.
Remora have for dessert last Tuesday? - A pudding.
- What kind of pudding? - I don't know.
Butterscotch? - Rice.
Rice pudding, rice pudding.
I have to remember that.
How's the staple remover going? [SUNNY BABBLES.]
[DUNCAN.]
I know we're doing this for serious reasons, but it's exciting.
It may not be particularly wise, but it's a thrill to be in disguise.
[OLAF.]
I was young.
I was finding myself.
Trying out new fashion, new music, playing with matches, that sort of thing.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- His collar! It dribbled on his collar.
- Correct.
[HOOK-HANDED MAN.]
I had it tough at school.
Did I tell you what my nickname was? [OLAF.]
Did you tell me your name? - Wait - What? - Wait.
- What? The baby's pooped out.
She's stopped running.
She's standing there like a bag of flour.
Run, baby, run! - Uh-oh.
- Maybe she needs a good kick to get moving.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- Get moving, baby.
- What do we do? - Keep running.
[BOTH PANTING.]
[DUNCAN.]
Can we make it to the broom closet? There's a better place.
Oh, baby, baby [PANTING.]
Are you okay? Huh? Stay here.
[SHRIEKS.]
Blast you, crumbling infrastructure.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Boss.
- You scared me.
- Sorry.
I looked for them, but it was dark and creepy.
All right.
Stay and guard the library.
All smarty-pants kids end up there.
- Did baldy get the car? - Yeah, but you have a little, uh - What? - On your face.
- I do? - Yeah.
Did I get it? There's still a bit on the other side.
On the I Thumbs up.
Oh.
Right, 'cause you don't have We have to warn them.
We can't go anywhere with him guarding the door.
The Baudelaires can pass that test.
Look.
[SIGHS.]
The spyglass.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Let's do some studying of our own.
What color were the cows on the dairy farm? Brown and [ISADORA.]
That explains the fire.
[GROWLS.]
- [DUNCAN.]
We've seen that man.
- It's all connected.
How long was the navy blue scarf? Klaus? - [DUNCAN.]
VFD? - What do you think it could mean? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
What's so important about a sugar bowl? [ISADORA SCREAMS.]
[ROOSTER CROWING.]
Baudelaires, are you ready for the worst morning of your - Good morning! - Ahh! What are you doing here? [COUGHING.]
I'm Arthur Poe from Mulctuary Money Management.
I know who you are.
Really? You do? [AS GENGHIS.]
Uh, it's my job to know.
I'm a gym teacher.
Obviously.
You're a grown man wearing athletic shoes.
I'm looking for the Baudelaires.
I understand they've missed several violin recitals, and that Vice Principal Nero is thereby entitled to several bags of candy.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So am I.
And who are you, little girl, besides adorable? My name is Carmelita Spats, and I deserve candy for bringing the Baudelaires to you.
I suppose that more or less follows.
Here you go.
Hmm.
They're in that shack.
- "Shack"? - Nobody said "Orphan Shack.
" The auditorium is this way.
Tell me, would you ever be interested in a self-actualization workshop - held in the vault of your bank? - I'd consider it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
The sun has come up The day has begun Watching you flunk will be so much fun Because you're just orphans And you're probably dumb And my name is Carmelita! [CHUCKLES.]
Maybe I'm just tired, but I think she's improving.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
[CARMELITA.]
Who can't be beat? [STUDENTS.]
A dead horse! - Who can't be beat? - A dead horse! Who can't be beat? A dead horse! [CARMELITA.]
Who can't be beat? [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
- [CARMELITA.]
Who can't be beat? - [STUDENTS.]
A dead horse! Baudelaires! Mr.
Poe, what are you doing here? Well, I'm giving you a very disappointed look.
You've been spending too much time with extracurricular activities.
I don't think homeschooling is the answer, but I brought along the necessary paperwork, as suggested by Vice Principal Nero and by a gym teacher who I met wandering around outside.
That gym teacher is Olaf in disguise.
He tracked us down and is in the middle of a scheme to steal our fortune.
Olaf? But [SIGHS.]
what about the computer system Nero told me about? - It hasn't worked.
- [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
- It certainly appears to be working.
- There you are.
- You must be Vice Principal Nero.
- Is that candy? The computer system didn't recognize Olaf, because he's in disguise.
What sane man would disguise himself four times in a row? Believe me, Poe, I've seen this sort of thing before.
Children will say anything to explain getting bad grades and failing at their work as administrative assistants.
- Assistants? - Sunny's been working as a secretary.
Sunny should be in preschool.
That doesn't seem suitable.
[BABBLES.]
If they flunk these exams, the Baudelaires will be expelled, so it hardly matters now.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
This is not Count Olaf.
Oh! Coach Genghis, come on in.
Good morning! Today is the first day of the life of your rest.
First life of the rest of your day.
- [NERO.]
Mmm-mmm.
No.
No.
- Today [COUGHING.]
Why on the candy? Today is the first day of the life of your rest.
That's what I said.
I said it the right way the first time.
This so-called Coach Genghis is Olaf in disguise.
Klaus, you can't argue with technology.
- Well said, Hat Stevens.
- [COUGHS.]
You must be a very self-actualized person.
- Well, I do eat a lot of yogurt.
- Delicious! Showtime.
So let's go time.
[CARMELITA.]
Remember, you will die! [STUDENTS.]
Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! Remember, you will die! - Remember, you will die! - Yes! Yes, let's hear it.
[ALL CHEERING.]
I want your energy dumped on my head so it can run down my face like lotion.
- Yes! Yes! - [STUDENTS APPLAUDING.]
[CHEERING.]
Whoo! - I feel it.
Can you feel it, Caligula? - Nero.
This school has a new kind of spirit energy.
A sense of unity and joy which you usually cannot find unless you are at a birthday party or a public hanging.
[COUGHS.]
I must admit, I'm a little excited to see this.
I think the flunking of the Baudelaire children out of this school is bringing out the best of all of us.
And so, without further ado A violin cadenza in the style of the Human League! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No.
- What? No? Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Hey, Gomorrah! Sass! [WHISTLES.]
It's Mrs.
Bass, and my name is Remora.
We'll find out who's full of remora soon enough.
Test them! Test them! Test them! [ALL CHANTING.]
Test them! Test them! Test them! Test them! Test them! Test them! Violet, in the story about my pet donkey, - how many miles did the donkey run? - Six.
[LAUGHING.]
"Six.
" Yes, that's correct.
- Rats! - [BELL DINGS.]
Klaus, how long was the book with the yellow cover? - [STUTTERS.]
Nineteen centimeters.
- "Nineteen centimeters!" [LAUGHS.]
Correct! - [BELL DINGS.]
- Sunny Baudelaire, I need you to organize these file cards of students who owe me candy.
But not by name! No! But by the color of candy I want.
[LAUGHING.]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING AND STOPS.]
- Oh, that's very impressive, I must admit.
- [BELL DINGS.]
[BASS.]
Klaus, how long was chicken breast number seven? Uh, ten centimeters.
I take pride in how well the Baudelaires are doing.
It reflects well on Mulctuary Money Management that they can recite facts from anecdotes, remember certain metric measurements, and perform secretarial duties competently, relatively soon after the loss of their parents.
- [SIGHS.]
Will you excuse me, please? - Oh, yes.
[BASS.]
How long was hot water bottle number 53? [KLAUS.]
Uh, 45 centimeters.
In a world governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles.
[SIGHS.]
In a world governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles.
It's something you don't need to hear twice, because you already know that it is so.
It can sometimes be overwhelming to witness the series of unfortunate events that rumble through one's life like a mysterious automobile with its engine running.
Which is why some people need to excuse themselves from time to time to a place where the world is quiet.
Like a crystal ball ready for anyone who has an important question.
I urge you to do the same.
Look away from this austere academy before it is too late.
This episode in the lives of the Baudelaires is nearly over, but there is still time for it to get much worse.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[REMORA.]
We've come to the end of the comprehensive exams and the professional reappraisal for the Baudelaires.
Violet is a fine student and passes language arts with high marks.
[BASS.]
I've never encountered anyone more fluent in the metric system than Klaus.
He gets an A-plus, two centimeters by one centimeter.
I hate to admit it, but Sunny is a fantastic administrative assistant.
[TYPING.]
Look She edited my résumé, highlighting my musicianship without drawing attention to the fact I never graduated middle school.
[BABBLES.]
What my sister means is, did we all pass? No.
You're not adorable enough to pass.
You flunked! You flunked! [ALL CHANTING.]
You flunked! You flunked! You flunked! No, no.
No, no, no.
I share your discomfort with orphans, Carmelita.
I have to admit the Baudelaires pass with flying colors.
Mr.
Poe, I will allow them to stay the remaining trimester, and you may leave after giving me the candy.
Thank you, Vice Principal Nero.
And Baudelaires, the, uh, disappointment I expressed earlier has been lifted by the fact you clearly memorized facts and anecdotes to the best of your abilities.
Sunny, I may consult with you later about the bank's latest quarterly report, which could use a more dynamic layout.
[COUGHING.]
Not yet you won't.
This is a comprehensive exam, isn't it? I'm the gym teacher, and I haven't given my test.
According to the Prufrock Preparatory Handbook, gym teacher evaluations are worth a full 51% of their grade.
[STUTTERING.]
That is actually correct.
But how did you know? A long time ago, a handsome young man was expelled from this very school, on this very stage, for that very reason.
So, one last challenge, Baudelaires.
And this one will determine your entire future.
- We'd be happy to run laps.
- We're in extremely good shape.
There's a better way to test your physical princess.
- You mean "prowess.
" - I think I mean "arms.
" Arm wrestling.
No holds barred.
Against an opponent who is as heavy and as slow as a bag of flour.
Sunny Baudelaire.
Nerds, arm wrestling furniture! - Five bucks on Genghis! - This isn't fair! You're a full-grown adult.
Sunny's a baby.
- That hardly seems sporting.
- Fine, I'll take on the bookworm.
- That seems fair.
- You can take the both of us.
Uh, I'll pass.
What's wrong? Afraid you're not strong enough? A real gym teacher could do it.
Yes, Coach Genghis, surely you're stronger than two simpering schoolchildren.
Of course I am! This reminds me of a story.
Some time ago, three orphans came to me needing my help.
"Coach," they said to me, "we're complete failures.
We have an enormous fortune, and we're keeping it all to ourselves out of our own selfishness.
How do we learn to share? How do we learn to give up in the face of all-powerful, very good-looking physical strength?" And do you know what I told them? - You can never give up.
- [ALL GRUNT.]
You can never give up if you find yourself in terrible circumstances.
You must keep struggling.
You must struggle until you find a safe place to live.
You must struggle until you find noble and reliable friends.
- Struggle - And struggle Until the world can see who you really are.
[GENGHIS GRUNTS.]
That kid came out of nowhere! Holy Beethoven, I see what you mean, Baudelaires! - Finally! - What you mean is that I should keep on struggling, and then perhaps I'll be invited to join a legitimate orchestra.
No, that's not what we mean at all.
- Your shoe, sir.
- Look at the tattoo on his ankle! Egad! I'd know that ankle anywhere! You flatter me, kind sir.
Don't call me "kind sir," kind sir.
You're Count Olaf.
That tattoo proves it.
It's too late to cover it up with a probably overpriced running shoe.
I am not covering up anything.
I need to wear these.
Don't be ridiculous! Why would a notorious criminal need running shoes? [HOOK-HANDED MAN.]
Boss.
For running.
Go after him! Mr.
Poe! - Sunny - [BABBLES.]
Wow! They're fast! They have been running laps for a couple weeks.
Go, horsey, go! [ISADORA.]
Klaus! We found the answers! - Isadora! - Duncan! - What can we do? - Keep running.
[DUNCAN.]
VFD! You have to remember! [ISADORA AND DUNCAN.]
VFD! - Isadora! - Duncan! - [LAUGHS.]
- [DUNCAN.]
We found the book! VFD! - [ISADORA.]
Violet! Klaus! - [DUNCAN.]
Help! Could someone please shut those kids up? - [ISADORA.]
Klaus, Baudelaires! - Shh! - Please help us! We found the book! - VFD! [BOTH PANTING.]
- Isadora.
- Duncan.
[LEMONY.]
If you have lost a friend, you know it makes your world feel incomplete, like a puzzle with a piece missing, or one half of a broken spyglass.
I'm sorry to tell you that this story does not end with the rescue of two brave and noble triplets.
This story ends the way all stories end.
With the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School.
That motto is "memento mori," and it means Remember, you will die.
[CHUCKLES DEVIOUSLY.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]