Abbott Elementary (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
And it's been almost a year, okay?
It is beyond time that
they reboot "Spider-Man" again.
Yeah, you're right. I love it.
But who can replace Tom Holland?
I'll tell you who
That little magical cutie,
that Harry Potter.
- Daniel Radcliffe?
- Yeah.
He's already in a franchise.
You can't just swing
from franchise to franchise.
Then why do I have to
see Chris Pratt everywhere?
It's okay.
No, I want a thicc Spider-Man,
like 50 Cent.
Should be Black anyways.
Costume got a built-in durag.
Well, if they do go with a Black actor,
I hope they go with
that Mr. Brian Austin Green.
I'm so proud of that young man
and all of his success.
- Uh
- Tuh-tuh-tuh!
So, there are a bunch
of white celebrities
who Barbara thinks are Black.
Like, Brian Austin Green
would be Brian Tyree Henry.
Ooh, I see you, little Carrie Underwood.
Good morning.
Kerry Washington.
I'm going straight home,
put on a little Millie Bobby Brown.
Bobby Brown.
No one's done more for Black actors
than Tommy Lee Jones.
James Earl Jones.
And we just let her keep thinking that.
It's easier.
And if they go with a woman,
you cannot go wrong with the splendid,
the wonderful Michelle Williams.
Mm-mm-mm!
Now, that is one talented diva.
- Mm, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
She is arguably the third best
child of Destiny.
And all the way to the Academy Awards
from "Dawson's Creek."
Oh, yes, Michelle. Mm.
So close.
Summer's supposed to be over.
Are we sure this AC is on?
Oh, it is on, but that thing
is older than Mr. Johnson.
Yeah, and they both have emphysema.
This is last year's calendar.
No!
And that is why we had that up there.
Yeah, now put it back.
It's a load-bearing calendar.
Maybe we can use some of
the grant money to fix that.
We already decided that
we were gonna use that money
for cleaning supplies.
This school is just filthy.
Are my ears burning? Huh?
Mm.
You know what?
I respect Barbara and her
lil' daughter Taylor too much
to hit on you publicly.
Nice arms, though.
Me and Taylor?
Oh, um, it's it's fine.
It's okay.
It's a bit of an awkward situation.
You know that saying, don't,
you know, where you eat?
They should also say, don't
do that where her mother eats.
Okay, which one of y'all ordered
this big stack
of social studies books?
Ooh! Oh, my goodness,
they're only a few years old.
Oh, my God, they have Brexit!
And the Flint water crisis.
And "Hamilton."
These aren't for Abbott Elementary.
They're for Addington Elementary.
Oh, the school down the street?
New books One of the perks
of turning into a charter school.
They went charter and went up.
From 2012 Khloé K
to 2022 Khloé K like that.
Unrecognizable.
I heard they got a lot
of good stuff over there.
Well, that building was made by
the same World War II architect
as this one, so can't be that great.
Why don't we walk over there
and find out for ourselves during lunch?
Need to get my steps in,
and it's closer
to the cheesesteak spot
Another perk.
Only like a block closer,
but, yeah, let's do it.
Well, y'all have fun.
I'll be here at work, working.
What? My followers aren't
gonna influence themselves.
Ooh, do y'all feel that?
That is some good AC.
They got a young Mr. Johnson.
- W
- Hi.
These walls, the paint's not chipped.
- And they have color.
- Do you smell that?
I don't smell anything.
Exactly.
You know what? No.
Guys, it's not that great here.
I mean, look, the ceilings are smooth.
Isn't that what floors are for?
Because they don't have asbestos.
Ah, they cheaped out on asbestos.
Look, Janine, the school's
just better, alright?
You don't have to lie about it.
The cops ain't askin'.
- Hey!
- Tina!
Oh, what?
That's Ms. Schwartz,
the teacher you replaced.
The one who kicked a student?
Oh, I don't do that anymore.
Because of therapy and anger management.
Also, at a charter school,
there's a lot less oversight
in the hiring process,
so it's been pretty sweet.
Well, sweetheart, it's good to see you,
and the school is wonderful.
Yeah. Are those my books?
- Oh, yeah.
- Ohh!
I've been kicking myself
for losing them.
Something funny?
No.
You guys want a little tour?
- Yes.
- Okay, so
this is the language lab.
The kids are currently learning French.
Bonjour!
Bonjour!
- Aww!
- Ohh.
Yeah. Over there are our
restrooms, which are awesome
because the baños don't attack you here.
- Oh, I fixed that toilet, so
- Okay.
Uh, the music teacher comes
twice a week ♪
Abbott's comes twice a week, as well ♪
- Just lying.
- I
And this little diddly is
our computer lab.
You know, the kids love it,
and it's improved
reading scores just across the board.
Is that Mavis Beacon?
Yeah, this place is the best.
We did have a little mice problem,
but we called people to humanely
get rid of them, so
Instead of chasing them
with sticks, you know?
That's so great.
It really is great!
- It's so great here!
- It's really great at Abbott, too!
Oh, hey, Kya, you gagootz,
keep it movin'!
Okay, come on.
Let's get out of here, come on.
Melissa, that's that's like
your charter school doppelganger.
I said let's go!
Um
Open your ears, listen with your minds.
Assuming everybody here
has seen "Pocahontas,"
the original "Avatar."
Really?
Oh, class, this is Mr. Eddie.
This is the guy I was telling you about.
What have you been telling them?
N-Never mind.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Okay, everyone, give a couple besties
a moment to, uh, flap the gums.
Whoa! You look hot.
Warm. Y-You're sweating.
Yeah, my classroom is sweltering,
and I can't remember the way
Barbara showed us
how to open up the windows.
How do you do that again?
Oh, well, I am flattered
you thought to ask me first,
but that's definitely
more of a Barbara question.
That's what Janine said.
Oh, so I wasn't first.
You know, it's fine.
Sweating is good for the students.
It stimulates the brain.
Wait, wait. Why aren't you
just asking Barbara?
Is there something else going on?
- Don't worry about it.
- Okay, but I will worry about it,
you know, and every time I see you,
I'll be thinking about it
and want to talk about it.
Okay, fine, look,
I'm avoiding Barbara right now
because things with Taylor
aren't going great, okay?
We're not meshing, and I'll
talk to Barbara eventually.
I just have to figure out a plan
for this whole Taylor situation.
Girl problems, young blood?
I cannot relate.
I have to go.
- Hmm?
- Eh.
Ooh, I didn't know
Jazz Band was a color.
Abbott is my home,
and I take pride in it,
so I've decided to brighten up
the place myself.
And it'll be as good as anywhere else.
Addington who?
Ms. Teagues is pleased.
Yeah!
Yeah, we're gonna go Jazz Band.
I think that's a real reflection
of our room, right?
You play bass.
Uh, what do you think you're doing?
Oh, um, just sprucing up the place.
That charter school
had that fresh coat of paint,
- so if we just
- We're not Addington.
We're an actual public school,
and you can't paint the walls.
Classroom decor is set
by the Philadelphia Department
of Education, Animal Shelters,
and Traffic.
- Well
- Trust me, the blue looks worse.
My brother gets to go to Addington.
They take a field trip every month.
Is it true that they
have a computer lab?
Yep, and you can Google stuff.
Dang.
I know how we can spend the grant money.
Janine, didn't you get your
breathing checked over the summer?
We already agreed we're
spending it on baby wipes
and cleaning supplies.
Look, I know it's not sexy, but
we just need the basics here.
But the basics aren't good enough.
These kids need to be uplifted.
We can turn the library
into a computer lab.
Get a bunch of computers
You mean computer.
The "S" makes it expensive.
Fine. Computer for the library.
We don't even have a librarian
for the library.
It would be nice to get
some plants for the classrooms.
Or some air freshener.
A computer.
Why are we even debating this?
I can't believe you don't want
to do more for our kids.
That's not what it's about, Janine.
Then what is it about?
Look, we should not
be competing with any school.
We should be doing our best
for this one.
Yeah, no, I'm not saying Yeah.
Sounds like y'all got some
different ideas about the grant money.
We need to come up with a fair
and responsible way
to figure out what to do
with the rest of that cash.
- Dear God.
- Like what?
The only tried-and-true way
that any sound
financial decisions are made.
Y'all ever seen "Shark Tank"?
Ah! All dressep up for the
big dip in the shark tank today?
What? No. I got to go to court later
for throwing a corn cob at Ben Simmons.
Wait, so you're not gonna
make a presentation?
No! I'm not gonna humiliate myself,
and I don't know
anybody else who would, either.
I stayed up all night
making my presentation.
Of course you did.
I'm gonna win that grant money
and turn Abbott into a
crown jewel of the neighborhood.
Crown jewel?
It'll be us and that corner
store that still sells loosies.
You know, in the end times,
it's just gonna be cockroaches
roaming the empty streets
and Janine holding up a sign
that says "Turn that frown upside down."
Whoa, that was awkward.
Hey, I hope whatever's going on
with you and Taylor can be fixed.
Unfortunately, I don't think so.
I cannot do another dinner
at a restaurant
that does small plates
with a unique flare.
Small plates?
Oh, you have to break up.
Just call her right now,
rip off the Band-Aid.
Normally I would, but I don't think
I can be the one to end this one.
If I hurt Taylor, I hurt Barbara.
You best not go hurtin' Barbara.
- You want my advice?
- No.
Mail a certified letter
telling her you got drafted.
Or you could just let it peter out.
What do you mean, peter out?
You can't ghost. That's too harsh.
But petering is gentle. It's nice.
I've I've done it a bunch of times.
You just stop using
exclamation points, okay?
You start taking a few hours to respond,
and then, you know, before you know it,
it's been a few weeks since
you've gotten a text that says,
"Good morning, handsome."
It's risky, but it could work.
And you probably won't
get your tires slashed.
You ever heard
of Martha and the Vandellas?
Well, I dumped Martha,
but I'm pretty sure
the Vandellas vandalized my car.
I would like to not have
my tires slashed, so
Thanks for being here, Courtney.
I think of you like a young me.
I think of you like an old me.
This ain't "A Star Is Born."
I'll shut your tiny ass down.
Let's get going.
There's dust bunnies
in the gym with my name on it.
Hello, Sharks.
You all know me as the Lunch Lady.
'Cause none of you had
the decency to ask my name.
Yes, continue, Lunch Lady.
My name is Shanae.
And I'm looking for a 100% investment
of the grant money for our kitchen.
We need cutlery, a bunch
of tongs, and hair nets,
'cause I know y'all are tired
of stray hair in your food.
I thought that was a new kind of soup.
Thank you for your presentation,
but I don't see how any of this
benefits me personally in any way,
and for that reason, I am out.
- Hey, Ava.
- Do you work here?
For nine years!
Damn, this is embarrassing For you.
You should really try to stand out more.
I haven't been impressed
with the pitches so far.
They're trash.
It's like they don't even want it.
Can't believe I get
to miss class for this.
Okay, who's next?
Oh, thank God.
I thought you had
some kind of twin janitor.
- That was freaky.
- Hello, Sharks.
My name is Mr. Johnson,
and I'm here to pitch you
on janitorial work in the 21st century.
Behold.
Okay.
With 100% of that grant money,
I could become the 007 of janitors,
Agent 409.
Welcome to the Tank.
What do you have for us?
Uh, we're just here
to retrieve some books.
'Cause this is, you know, a library.
You both are annoying me,
and for that reason, I'm out.
We don't want to be in!
Nevertheless, it's a no.
And that is why I'm seeking
the entire sum of the grant
so that we can grant
our kids a brighter future.
Thank you.
- No.
- No?
I don't know. It's a bit much.
But a bit much is kind of my brand.
I know, but I think
it'll be more effective
if we limit the theatrics
and just keep it grounded.
See, that is why I came to you.
Because Jacob just would've
lied to my face
and told me it was amazing.
Man, see, you're such an honest,
straight-up guy.
You're right.
I am straight up. And honest.
It's kind of my brand.
Well, it's not really your brand.
Yeah, it is.
See?
Okay, then.
Well, I'm going shark diving.
Wish me luck.
So, if I get the seed money,
I'll be able to have my
water ice truck all year round.
What does this have to do
with the school?
This about the school?
I thought y'all was
just giving out money.
Get out.
He's got my vote.
It's so hot, I could really go
for a water ice right now.
Oh, we don't take bribes
That aren't in the form of money.
Hi, Sharks. I'm Janine Teagues
from Philadelphia.
Girl, we already know who you are.
Get to it.
See? This is why I was bored
in her class.
Today I am seeking an investment
of the full grant
to brighten and better our school.
I'm talking computer
the gateway to the future.
One second.
Gregory was right. This was too much.
Let's go to commercial break.
I'm reserving judgment till
you can answer this question.
You got one in my size?
I do!
T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt.
So you want us to look
just as dorky as you.
A lot of our kids don't have
access to the Internet at home.
Plus, I believe this will boost morale,
which positively affects learning,
according to certain studies.
Are those peer reviewed?
I prefer the pitch Mr. Johnson gave.
Look, we can prove that
we're not just as good
as any charter school,
we're better!
Stay tuned and find out
who we'll be making a deal with
after this next break.
Who are you talking to?
This is always my favorite part,
when we let the losers
know who they are.
Yeah. Sorry, Mr. Hill.
What? I didn't even pitch.
Because morale is important,
and because I got outvoted two to one,
the winner is
Janine.
Wait. Wait a minute. I'm Janine.
Wait, I won?
Oh, my gosh, this feels amazing.
I usually only get this feeling
watching movies.
Ugh. Congrats, girl.
You're getting your computer.
- Aah!
- What is that?
You guys got to see
what's in the cafeteria!
Hello, friend.
For real?
This is why we need new tongs.
The mice are just slipping
through the old ones.
Don't worry. I figured out the problem.
W-W-What is it, Mr. Johnson?
There's a bunch of mice runnin' around.
We know that, Mr. Johnson!
Oh.
You're up to speed, then.
I don't know Just Here he is.
Seems that when they chased the
mice from that charter school,
they roamed the streets looking
for somewhere else to go.
Abbott was the most delicious.
Congrats, Janine.
I guess Abbott is better
than Addington at something.
Well, can you get rid of them or not?
This job is too big for one Mr. Johnson.
Oh, exterminators are expensive.
The grant money.
Yeah, I don't really think
we got a choice.
No.
But I won.
Well, sorry, hon. Abbott is undefeated.
Oh, uh, Mrs. Howard.
Can you please help me with this window?
Oh, sure.
They don't call me the
Window Whisperer for nothing.
Alright.
Okay, now, press directly here
and release the pressure.
Ah, there you go.
That all?
Um, no, actually, it's not.
I don't know why I avoided it
for so long.
I'm not a peter-out kind of guy.
I'm happy Janine reminded me of that.
I actually wanted to talk to you
about something.
And I wanted to talk to you, too.
I just want to say I'm sorry
things didn't work out
between you and Taylor.
Oh!
Oh, don't tell me I'm breaking the news.
Uh
Ooh! I told that child,
"You have got to be straightforward."
Petering out is just not of the Lord.
Mnh-mnh!
Wait, so she was petering out on me?
Do you know why?
Well, I think she said
you a "broke bwah."
I think she's saying I'm a broke boi.
Oh.
No.
I can't believe we have rats
in this school.
Well, they're actually mice,
which are better than rats
'cause they're less intrusive.
This lady trying to put
a positive spin on rats.
Don't get it twisted.
This is a mouse house now.
Look.
Barbara and I weren't trying to be mean.
It's just the kind of stuff
we got to deal with around here.
And that's why,
when we can get anything,
we just want the basics.
No, I get it. I do.
You know, I just saw Addington
and freaked.
Just wanted to get
something special for Abbott
so that we don't feel
like an afterthought.
Mm. Wanted us to feel just as good,
even though maybe that just isn't true.
And now it looks like we won't
be getting any of that stuff.
Yeah, even if I can cut a deal
with the rat guy,
we're only gonna have
like 350 bucks left.
Yep. Okay, let's just get wipes.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
The kids don't need to feel special.
Well, if that's all you want,
I can make somebody feel special
for less than $350.
Ava, I've said I do not want
to go to a strip club with you.
That wasn't an invitation, girl.
I just needed some ones.
And lots of 'em.
But, no, I have another idea.
Thank you, Sharks,
for this one-time cash infusion.
This is awesome!
Abbott for the win!
Whoa, they got water ice?
That's right. Water ice at Abbott.
Keep it moving.
What do you have, a computer lab?
Dweebs.
Yeah, you heard the baby shark.
Keep it movin', and quit staring
us down with that lazy eye.
Who you think you're talkin' to?
A woman with Jersey mall hair
and too much makeup.
Now take that sfigato ass
down the street.
Oh.
Melissa!
I don't even know what "sfigato" means
and I know that was too much.
It's a very small cup of coffee.
That's not even close,
and I can say whatever I want
to my stupid sister.
Sister? As in the woman
that works at the other school?
You have the same mom? Y-Your sister?
Yeah, yeah, good, you know
what having a sister means.
Glad you're making good use
of that Penn education.
And, no, I'm not saying
another word about this.
Well, um, hey,
you got to hand it to Ava.
- This is This is a blast.
- Yeah.
And it is so good that the kids
can feel special today.
Oh, are you saying
that I was right, Barbara?
Uh no.
Oh, this is so fun.
- Yeah.
- I just wish Gregory could enjoy it.
What's wrong with Gregory?
Well, you didn't hear it from me,
but I think he and Taylor
are on the outs.
That's too bad.
Yeah.
Hey, Devin, can I get a piña colada?
- Hey.
- Hey.
You okay?
I will be.
Thank you.
You are so welcome.
You're all welcome!
I really killed that today.
Kids happy, Janine quiet, Gregory fine.
I feel like I got a real knack for this,
like I could be president
or maybe even mayor of a school.
What would you call that?
How's that petering out going?
Well, it turns out that Taylor
was actually petering out on me.
Whoa, she petered?
That's amazing.
How is that amazing?
Because, man, that's what
people used to do to me.
Huh? Just one more thing
we have in common.
Don't take it so hard.
Everybody gets dumped.
If it can happen to Michael B. Jordan,
it can happen to you.
Now, that white boy sure can act.
Ooh! I love those
"Back to the Future" movies.
Michael J. Fox.
Hmm?