ALF s02e02 Episode Script
The Ballad of Gilligan's Island
[Drill noise.]
Alf ! [Hawaiian accent.]
moolai mucka hucka cahoona.
What are you doing with my drill ? Drilling holes.
Why ? To get the straws in these coconuts.
Want a hit ? I suppose this means there's another "gilligan's island" rerun tonight.
The ship sets sail for that uncharted desert isle, momentarily.
I think you're overdoing this whole "gilligan" thing.
Why ?Because i'm making a couple of skipper colada's ? What about the bamboo furniture you ordered for your room ? I sent it back ! It wasn't even real bamboo.
It was that nauga-Boo.
Alf ! It's time for "gilligan".
Be right with you, little buddy.
Gotta run, willie.
"Gilligan's" on.
Better hurry.
If you miss this episode, you'll have to wait 3 weeks Until it's on again.
It's people like you, who drive quality programing off the air.
** [Men on tv.]
gilligan ! Skipper ! [Crash.]
Bravo ! Author !Author ! Powerful episode ! [Click.]
Gilligan's so funny.
You're telling me.
Chaplin, keaton, gilligan -- The great ones make it look so easy.
Brian, time for bed.
Now ? The kid just watched "gilligan's island" ! He needs time for the nuances to soak in.
They can soak in in the bathtub.
Aye aye, mom.
Kate, did i ever tell you how much you remind me of ginger ? Wow.
That's the same look of disdain that ginger gives gilligan.
That was a compliment ! Boy, she's no fun.
Willie, we have to talk.
Speak to me.
Gilligan's island -- Why is life there so much more exciting than life in, Oh -- Let's say, this house ? Alf, you have fun here.
Sure, when "gilligan's island" is on.
That's 4 hours every day, right there.
I'm trying to make a point, and you're doing jokes.
Then, pontificate.
What kind of pie is that ? Apple.
Cliche in a crust.
Why did you have The question is -- Why didn't i have 8 ? Because it is boring ! Just like everything else around here.
Not like on "gilligan's island," Where every day is topped off By one of mary ann's coconut cream pies.
I'm not going to waste my time Trying to analyze why you find real life more boring Than some ludicrous situation comedy.
How erudite.
Reminiscent of the professor.
If you're bored with your pie, can i have it ? Guess not.
Anyway, this big, fat native girl from the next island Eats ginger's lipstick.
Ha ! Then, before gilligan can marry her Wait, don't tell me.
She goes back to her own island And she leaves the castaways stranded.
Did i give the ending away somewhere ? That's how every episode ends.
They never leave the island.
I must have overlooked the pattern.
But don't overlook the idea That you can leave this room.
She's right, alf.
The fun's over for tonight.
The fun never stops on "gilligan's island.
" Unlike other places, where the fun stopped during the eisenhower administration.
Just go to sleep.
I can't.
I tried counting castaways, Jumping over palm trees, But the skipper's not the best of leapers.
If you'll let us get some sleep, I promise we'll get back to this gilligan business First thing tomorrow.
Maybe, we'll even build you a little lagoon, all your own.
You'd do that for me ? Yes.
And then maroon you on the opposite shore.
Fine with me ! Aloha ! Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
It's probably clogged with alf's hair again.
He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
No, it's the faucet.
There's no water coming out.
There's no water here either.
[Alf.]
hey, turn that off.
I'm losing pressure out here.
What exactly are you doing out there ? It's a surprise.
He said surprise.
The dreaded "s" word.
Alf, what are you doing out here ? Whoa ! [Splash.]
Surprise ! What do you think ? I don't believe it ! Willie's swimming in the lagoon i built.
It's just like the one on "gilligan's island.
" From now on, life around here will be much more exciting.
Ahhhhhh ! See, it's exciting already.
How would you like to be buried at sea ? You're not happy about this, are you.
Just tell us why you did it.
It was willie's idea.
What ? Don't try to worm your way out of this one.
You said we'd build a lagoon.
I said we'd build a little lagoon, Not the great tanner reef ! Okay, i misunderstood.
I'm sorry.
I made a boo-Boo.
A boo-Boo ? I want my yard back the way it was.
I want trees i can trim.
I want grass i can mow.
No water and no hut ! You are going to stay right here until i get it ! Is that clear ? What ? Are you talking to me ? I'm sweating.
First time in 60 years.
Alf, i brought you some lemonade.
Thanks.
This lagoon water tastes a little brackish.
How much longer will it take to fill it in ? It only took you 1 night to dig it up.
Yeah, but i wanted to do that.
This is painful to me.
Have you ever had to cover your dreams with a big pile of dirt ? Well, i once had to bury my pet turtle that died.
Oh, this one ? Does it say "greetings from miami" on it ? No.
Carlsbad caverns.
Oh, that was brian's.
Sic transit gloria mundi.
I'd better let you get back to work.
Yeah.
Work ? This isn't work.
This is fun.
What are you talking about ? I'm talking about the thrill of back-Breaking labor.
My only regret is that you can't share this thrill.
Hey, wait a minute ! Why don't i let you shovel a couple of metric tons ? Good night, alf.
Gilligan would have fallen for that.
Well, breaktime.
Oh.
I must have slept through the night.
Hey.
Where's my shovel ? Where's my house ? Skipper Skipper, can i fish too ? It's gilligan.
The skipper, too.
Shhhh.
You'll scare the fish.
Owww ! Shhhh.
You'll scare the fish.
I'm here on gilligan's isle ! Gilligan's island.
I'm in rerun heaven.
Bet i catch a big one.
Gilligan ! Skipper, where's your hat ? You're using it for bait.
Ha.
I'll get it back to you.
Don't worry.
Gilligan ! You idiot ! Ha !Ha ! You guys are hilarious.
Encore, encore ! Who are you ? I'm alf -- Your biggest fan.
I worship the sand you walk on.
Where did you come from ? Melmac.
Is that near bora bora ? Ha ! You guys never stop.
Hey, where are the others ? What others ? You know.
Wait a minute.
How do you know about all of us ? Wait a minute.
How do you know about all of us ? I just said that.
I thought it sounded familiar.
Ha !I never get tired of that.
Ha !Ha ! I get tired of it.
Gilligan, skipper, Lunch is ready.
I see we have another visitor.
It's mary ann.
And lunch ! Two of my favorite things.
Mary ann, this is alf from melmac.
How come everybody can get to this island, And none of us can ever get off ? I must have overlooked the pattern.
Ha !Ha ! Let's eat.
Come on, alf.
Lunch with the castaways -- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy ! Did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies ? No, they won't let me make them anymore.
I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting high.
Plus, we were sick of them.
You never told me that.
I was remiss.
Anyway, today we're having mangos.
Wow, mangos.
We're sick of mangos, too.
I like mangos.
I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
We're not.
We're bored.
We've been doing the same thing every day for How would you like to hear the skipper's boring old navy stories Over, and over, and over.
I thought you liked my navy stories.
I was a good sailor.
We're all familiar with your nautical record.
You're0 & 1, i believe.
You guys should be grateful.
You're here on gilligan's island.
Are you kidding ? We'd be out of here in a minute, If smarty-Pants could figure out how to get off this rock.
Don't blame me.
All my plans get ruined by your hebetudinous sidekick.
Hebetudinous ? Addlepated.
Oh.
You can't call my little buddy addlepated.
Will you stop calling me "little buddy" ? I'm in my forties ! Stop it !You people are supposed to be funny, friendly & wacky.
It's our island.
You can't tell us when to be wacky.
Who died and made you king kamehameha ? I know something that'll keep you from fighting -- Let's re-Enact the time When the headhunter came to the island.
I'll be the headhunter, And gilligan can be gilligan.
I've got a better idea.
Let's re-Enact the time that alf came to the island, To help us dig.
You be alf, and start digging.
I'm not gonna dig.
I refuse to dig.
I won't dig.
I won't, i won't, i won't ! What am i digging here ? We're filling in the lagoon.
We're building a miniature golf course.
And the howells can't play on it.
Want your clubs ? Gilligan, it's not ready yet.
It'll take a couple of months.
Let the furry little guy work.
It's almost time for our favorite tv show.
You have a tv ? I made one from bamboo & coconuts, And a 19-Inch picture tube that washed ashore.
I even built a vcr.
Yeah, but all our tapes are beta.
Hey, gilligan, digging's really fun.
You want to do some ? Forget it.
Even gilligan won't fall for it.
[Smack.]
what was that for ? Wonder if the howells need a fourth for golf ? Sit down, i can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat.
Ow ! [Tv.]
and now it's time for the adventures of the tanner family.
Tanner family ? [Tv.]
starring willie tanner as dad, Kate tanner as mom, Lynn tanner as their daughter, And brian tanner as himself.
This weeks episode -- Brian takes a bath.
This is my favorite.
I haven't had a bath in 23 years.
Wewewe know.
Know.
Know.
That meat loaf was delicious, mom.
Well, i hope you have room for some apple pie.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Apple pie ! I haven't had that in 23 years.
And that meat loaf sounds so delicious.
I'd like something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
Can i have some water, dad ? You can have lots of water, son.
You're taking a bath.
[Laughter.]
How does willie come up with that stuff ? The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny ? Why was that funny ? The most entertaining people in the world, and you ask why was it funny ? They can do things we only dream of.
They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining.
Can i watch a little ? Don't you have some dirt to shovel ? I can shovel dirt back home.
You are home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
Forever.
I don't want to be a castaway.
I thought this place would be fun.
Now i realize it's only fun in half-Hour chunks.
But you wanted to be on gilligan's island.
That's where the fun never stops.
Remember ? Remember ? I was wrong.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Alf, wake up.
Hey.
Willie !You came all the way out here to rescue me.
It wasn't all that far.
I was just in the kitchen.
Oh.
Well, listen.
I was wrong.
Adventure isn't on some uncharted desert isle.
It's right here -- In your own back yard.
What's left of it.
That's good to hear, alf.
I'll see you later.
Don't i get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle i just oozed ? As treacle goes, it was pretty sweet.
Too bad it didn't fill up the hole.
Get to work.
I hate this place.
Burp ! Delicious meat loaf, kate.
Best i've ever had.
Best anyone's ever had.
Best in the world.
Simply the best.
Thank you, alf, would you like some pie ? What kind ? Coconut cream.
Pass.
Sorry i'm late for dinner.
Ha ! "Sorry i'm late for dinner.
" You're a scream.
Ha !Ha ! How does he come up with that stuff ? What stuff ? There he goes again.
Ha ! What is wrong with you ? Nothing's wrong.
I'm the happiest alien on earth.
What could possibly be wrong here In the fun-Filled, action-Packed, tanner household ? How's the back yard coming ? Uhhh.
I'd like to discuss that with you at length.
Later would be a good time.
He's been watching "bonanza.
" I'll return the stagecoach tomorrow.
Captions performed by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
Alf ! [Hawaiian accent.]
moolai mucka hucka cahoona.
What are you doing with my drill ? Drilling holes.
Why ? To get the straws in these coconuts.
Want a hit ? I suppose this means there's another "gilligan's island" rerun tonight.
The ship sets sail for that uncharted desert isle, momentarily.
I think you're overdoing this whole "gilligan" thing.
Why ?Because i'm making a couple of skipper colada's ? What about the bamboo furniture you ordered for your room ? I sent it back ! It wasn't even real bamboo.
It was that nauga-Boo.
Alf ! It's time for "gilligan".
Be right with you, little buddy.
Gotta run, willie.
"Gilligan's" on.
Better hurry.
If you miss this episode, you'll have to wait 3 weeks Until it's on again.
It's people like you, who drive quality programing off the air.
** [Men on tv.]
gilligan ! Skipper ! [Crash.]
Bravo ! Author !Author ! Powerful episode ! [Click.]
Gilligan's so funny.
You're telling me.
Chaplin, keaton, gilligan -- The great ones make it look so easy.
Brian, time for bed.
Now ? The kid just watched "gilligan's island" ! He needs time for the nuances to soak in.
They can soak in in the bathtub.
Aye aye, mom.
Kate, did i ever tell you how much you remind me of ginger ? Wow.
That's the same look of disdain that ginger gives gilligan.
That was a compliment ! Boy, she's no fun.
Willie, we have to talk.
Speak to me.
Gilligan's island -- Why is life there so much more exciting than life in, Oh -- Let's say, this house ? Alf, you have fun here.
Sure, when "gilligan's island" is on.
That's 4 hours every day, right there.
I'm trying to make a point, and you're doing jokes.
Then, pontificate.
What kind of pie is that ? Apple.
Cliche in a crust.
Why did you have The question is -- Why didn't i have 8 ? Because it is boring ! Just like everything else around here.
Not like on "gilligan's island," Where every day is topped off By one of mary ann's coconut cream pies.
I'm not going to waste my time Trying to analyze why you find real life more boring Than some ludicrous situation comedy.
How erudite.
Reminiscent of the professor.
If you're bored with your pie, can i have it ? Guess not.
Anyway, this big, fat native girl from the next island Eats ginger's lipstick.
Ha ! Then, before gilligan can marry her Wait, don't tell me.
She goes back to her own island And she leaves the castaways stranded.
Did i give the ending away somewhere ? That's how every episode ends.
They never leave the island.
I must have overlooked the pattern.
But don't overlook the idea That you can leave this room.
She's right, alf.
The fun's over for tonight.
The fun never stops on "gilligan's island.
" Unlike other places, where the fun stopped during the eisenhower administration.
Just go to sleep.
I can't.
I tried counting castaways, Jumping over palm trees, But the skipper's not the best of leapers.
If you'll let us get some sleep, I promise we'll get back to this gilligan business First thing tomorrow.
Maybe, we'll even build you a little lagoon, all your own.
You'd do that for me ? Yes.
And then maroon you on the opposite shore.
Fine with me ! Aloha ! Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
It's probably clogged with alf's hair again.
He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
No, it's the faucet.
There's no water coming out.
There's no water here either.
[Alf.]
hey, turn that off.
I'm losing pressure out here.
What exactly are you doing out there ? It's a surprise.
He said surprise.
The dreaded "s" word.
Alf, what are you doing out here ? Whoa ! [Splash.]
Surprise ! What do you think ? I don't believe it ! Willie's swimming in the lagoon i built.
It's just like the one on "gilligan's island.
" From now on, life around here will be much more exciting.
Ahhhhhh ! See, it's exciting already.
How would you like to be buried at sea ? You're not happy about this, are you.
Just tell us why you did it.
It was willie's idea.
What ? Don't try to worm your way out of this one.
You said we'd build a lagoon.
I said we'd build a little lagoon, Not the great tanner reef ! Okay, i misunderstood.
I'm sorry.
I made a boo-Boo.
A boo-Boo ? I want my yard back the way it was.
I want trees i can trim.
I want grass i can mow.
No water and no hut ! You are going to stay right here until i get it ! Is that clear ? What ? Are you talking to me ? I'm sweating.
First time in 60 years.
Alf, i brought you some lemonade.
Thanks.
This lagoon water tastes a little brackish.
How much longer will it take to fill it in ? It only took you 1 night to dig it up.
Yeah, but i wanted to do that.
This is painful to me.
Have you ever had to cover your dreams with a big pile of dirt ? Well, i once had to bury my pet turtle that died.
Oh, this one ? Does it say "greetings from miami" on it ? No.
Carlsbad caverns.
Oh, that was brian's.
Sic transit gloria mundi.
I'd better let you get back to work.
Yeah.
Work ? This isn't work.
This is fun.
What are you talking about ? I'm talking about the thrill of back-Breaking labor.
My only regret is that you can't share this thrill.
Hey, wait a minute ! Why don't i let you shovel a couple of metric tons ? Good night, alf.
Gilligan would have fallen for that.
Well, breaktime.
Oh.
I must have slept through the night.
Hey.
Where's my shovel ? Where's my house ? Skipper Skipper, can i fish too ? It's gilligan.
The skipper, too.
Shhhh.
You'll scare the fish.
Owww ! Shhhh.
You'll scare the fish.
I'm here on gilligan's isle ! Gilligan's island.
I'm in rerun heaven.
Bet i catch a big one.
Gilligan ! Skipper, where's your hat ? You're using it for bait.
Ha.
I'll get it back to you.
Don't worry.
Gilligan ! You idiot ! Ha !Ha ! You guys are hilarious.
Encore, encore ! Who are you ? I'm alf -- Your biggest fan.
I worship the sand you walk on.
Where did you come from ? Melmac.
Is that near bora bora ? Ha ! You guys never stop.
Hey, where are the others ? What others ? You know.
Wait a minute.
How do you know about all of us ? Wait a minute.
How do you know about all of us ? I just said that.
I thought it sounded familiar.
Ha !I never get tired of that.
Ha !Ha ! I get tired of it.
Gilligan, skipper, Lunch is ready.
I see we have another visitor.
It's mary ann.
And lunch ! Two of my favorite things.
Mary ann, this is alf from melmac.
How come everybody can get to this island, And none of us can ever get off ? I must have overlooked the pattern.
Ha !Ha ! Let's eat.
Come on, alf.
Lunch with the castaways -- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy ! Did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies ? No, they won't let me make them anymore.
I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting high.
Plus, we were sick of them.
You never told me that.
I was remiss.
Anyway, today we're having mangos.
Wow, mangos.
We're sick of mangos, too.
I like mangos.
I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
We're not.
We're bored.
We've been doing the same thing every day for How would you like to hear the skipper's boring old navy stories Over, and over, and over.
I thought you liked my navy stories.
I was a good sailor.
We're all familiar with your nautical record.
You're0 & 1, i believe.
You guys should be grateful.
You're here on gilligan's island.
Are you kidding ? We'd be out of here in a minute, If smarty-Pants could figure out how to get off this rock.
Don't blame me.
All my plans get ruined by your hebetudinous sidekick.
Hebetudinous ? Addlepated.
Oh.
You can't call my little buddy addlepated.
Will you stop calling me "little buddy" ? I'm in my forties ! Stop it !You people are supposed to be funny, friendly & wacky.
It's our island.
You can't tell us when to be wacky.
Who died and made you king kamehameha ? I know something that'll keep you from fighting -- Let's re-Enact the time When the headhunter came to the island.
I'll be the headhunter, And gilligan can be gilligan.
I've got a better idea.
Let's re-Enact the time that alf came to the island, To help us dig.
You be alf, and start digging.
I'm not gonna dig.
I refuse to dig.
I won't dig.
I won't, i won't, i won't ! What am i digging here ? We're filling in the lagoon.
We're building a miniature golf course.
And the howells can't play on it.
Want your clubs ? Gilligan, it's not ready yet.
It'll take a couple of months.
Let the furry little guy work.
It's almost time for our favorite tv show.
You have a tv ? I made one from bamboo & coconuts, And a 19-Inch picture tube that washed ashore.
I even built a vcr.
Yeah, but all our tapes are beta.
Hey, gilligan, digging's really fun.
You want to do some ? Forget it.
Even gilligan won't fall for it.
[Smack.]
what was that for ? Wonder if the howells need a fourth for golf ? Sit down, i can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat.
Ow ! [Tv.]
and now it's time for the adventures of the tanner family.
Tanner family ? [Tv.]
starring willie tanner as dad, Kate tanner as mom, Lynn tanner as their daughter, And brian tanner as himself.
This weeks episode -- Brian takes a bath.
This is my favorite.
I haven't had a bath in 23 years.
Wewewe know.
Know.
Know.
That meat loaf was delicious, mom.
Well, i hope you have room for some apple pie.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Apple pie ! I haven't had that in 23 years.
And that meat loaf sounds so delicious.
I'd like something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
Can i have some water, dad ? You can have lots of water, son.
You're taking a bath.
[Laughter.]
How does willie come up with that stuff ? The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny ? Why was that funny ? The most entertaining people in the world, and you ask why was it funny ? They can do things we only dream of.
They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining.
Can i watch a little ? Don't you have some dirt to shovel ? I can shovel dirt back home.
You are home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
Forever.
I don't want to be a castaway.
I thought this place would be fun.
Now i realize it's only fun in half-Hour chunks.
But you wanted to be on gilligan's island.
That's where the fun never stops.
Remember ? Remember ? I was wrong.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Wanna go home.
Alf, wake up.
Hey.
Willie !You came all the way out here to rescue me.
It wasn't all that far.
I was just in the kitchen.
Oh.
Well, listen.
I was wrong.
Adventure isn't on some uncharted desert isle.
It's right here -- In your own back yard.
What's left of it.
That's good to hear, alf.
I'll see you later.
Don't i get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle i just oozed ? As treacle goes, it was pretty sweet.
Too bad it didn't fill up the hole.
Get to work.
I hate this place.
Burp ! Delicious meat loaf, kate.
Best i've ever had.
Best anyone's ever had.
Best in the world.
Simply the best.
Thank you, alf, would you like some pie ? What kind ? Coconut cream.
Pass.
Sorry i'm late for dinner.
Ha ! "Sorry i'm late for dinner.
" You're a scream.
Ha !Ha ! How does he come up with that stuff ? What stuff ? There he goes again.
Ha ! What is wrong with you ? Nothing's wrong.
I'm the happiest alien on earth.
What could possibly be wrong here In the fun-Filled, action-Packed, tanner household ? How's the back yard coming ? Uhhh.
I'd like to discuss that with you at length.
Later would be a good time.
He's been watching "bonanza.
" I'll return the stagecoach tomorrow.
Captions performed by alien productions.
All rights reserved.