All In The Family s02e02 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days okay, "zoo.
" That's a double word score-- Ohh.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh! Oh, my.
What is it, ma? It's just another one of those "most unforgettable characters I ever met.
" This man's writing about a woman who lived in Vermont.
Seems to me they all lived in Vermont.
What was so unforgettable about her, ma? Well, she lived in this house for 40 years with a big porch, and it was right where all these roads came together.
Everybody stopped and asked her for directions.
But why'd the man find her so unforgettable? Well, she was his grandmother.
Oh.
[ Phone rings .]
I'll get it.
On his father's side.
Hello? Szabo! Mike, it's szabo! Oh, yeah? [ Gloria .]
What? Oh, that's wonderful.
He's having a new showing next month.
Oh, great! He wants to know if he can come over for a drink.
Let me talk to him.
Hey, szabo! Hey! Where are you? That's only a few minutes from here.
Come over.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, okay.
Bye.
Who's coming over? Szabo daborba.
Mike's friend, the artist.
He's an old friend of mine from Chicago.
He started painting a couple years ago, and now he's the hottest painter around.
I'll show you.
We've got one of his old brochures here from his show.
Clean up.
He's gonna be here any second.
You're gonna love this guy.
Look, ma.
"The paintings of szabo daborba.
" Oh, isn't that nice? Oh, hi, daddy.
Well, you're home.
You can tell that, huh, Edith? You see me come in, throw down my bowling ball, hang up my hat and coat And just like that you know I'm home.
Plus, there's the sound of your voice.
Yeah, there's that too.
How'd you bowl tonight, arch? I bowled 31 perfect games, a new world's record.
That's why I come home feeling so good.
You got the heart of a murderer, asking me a question like that.
What do you got there, Edith? "The paintings of szabo daborba," Mike's old friend from Chicago.
We practically grew up together.
He's stopping by for a drink in a few minutes.
Geez, I can hardly wait.
Aren't you gonna look at szabo's paintings, ma? Wait a minute.
Give 'em to me.
Let me look at szabo's paintings here.
What do we got here? What the hell kind of paintings are these? They're nudes, daddy, but they're very abstract.
Look, here's one we love.
It's called nude in limbo.
You see? There's her head, and there's the long line of her neck And over there are her shoulders, and over there are-- I know what those are, buddy.
How come he give her three of them? That's the way he saw her, daddy.
Geez, he must have been bombed out of his skull when he done this.
The next time he thinks he sees three of them, tell him to take two aspirin and go to bed.
Maybe it's a picture of two girls and he left something out.
Take it away.
I got a good question for you, daddy.
Three what? - Huh? - You heard me.
You said, "there's three of them," but you didn't say what.
- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
Tell me.
Come on! You can't say it, can you, arch? A simple part of the anatomy, and it sticks in your throat.
I got no anatomies sticking in my throat.
I just happen to have some respect for common decency, that's all.
Long before any of us was born, they was calling certain things "private parts.
" Come on, daddy, that's just a big cover-up.
[ Mike .]
It's a hang-up.
And you know it.
Now look here.
What is that? Leave me alone! It's a breast, isn't it? Edith, do you hear what she's saying in front of her own father? But that's what it is-- a breast.
She said it again.
All she said was "breast.
" Now he's saying it over there! Well, let's hear you say it just once.
I won't say it just once! Can you believe that? He can't even say the word.
He has said "breast of chicken.
" Never! White meat! White meat! Now stifle yourself, huh? And once at rockaway beach he showed me how to do the breast stroke.
Will you stifle yourself! I wanna tell you something-- I got no respect for a guy That spends his whole life getting cheap thrills Out of other people's "nudidity.
" With one sentence he puts away all painters, sculptors, doctors-- hold it, meathead.
I didn't say nothing about doctors.
That's a whole other thing.
The most beautiful woman can walk into a doctor's office and get herself undressed, it don't mean a thing.
He don't even take any notice of the good parts.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, I bet that's szabo.
Hey! Szabo! How are you? Gloria! Szabo! Oh, uh, szabo, this is my mother and my father.
How do you do? Hello, Mrs.
bunker.
Nice to see you, Mr.
bunker.
Hey, I got some champagne.
Oh, great.
I was out launching a battleship, and I missed.
What do you say we break it open here? I'll get the glasses.
I'll help you.
I could use something to eat too.
Wait a minute.
Szabo, huh? Szabo what? Daborba.
He's a gypsy.
He's a Hungarian.
Same thing.
That guy was born in an empty store, as sure as I'm standing here.
He's alone with your wife, and I wouldn't trust him from here to here.
Szabo's one of my oldest friends.
What's the kissing Gloria? It's just two friends saying hello.
What's the big deal? The most casual acquaintances kiss today.
They do it all the time on tv.
Yeah, like Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.
Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson don't kiss each other.
That's right.
They're on different channels.
Stifle yourself! It's Jerry Lewis that kisses Johnny Carson.
Will you stifle yourself! I don't know who merv Griffin kisses.
I said stifle! I got more important things on my mind than merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.
I don't trust that gypsy out there.
- Hungarian.
- Oh, Hungarian, Hungarian.
You know what I heard about Hungarians there at my mother's knee? A Hungarian is a guy that can follow you into a revolving door And come out ahead of you.
You are in trouble, meathead.
Aw, come on.
- Here we are.
- Dummy up now.
[ Szabo .]
Help yourself.
[ Edith .]
Oh, my! Champagne! And on a Monday night too.
Szabo, a toast.
To your new one-man show.
May you sell everything.
Thanks, Mike.
Come on.
Sit down.
Wait a minute, szabo.
I wanna ask you something.
I see by that brochure there that you like painting people Without their clothes on-- in other words, in the nude.
No, not everybody.
For instance, I'd never paint you in the nude.
I mean, you wouldn't be you without your clothes on.
Would he, Mrs.
bunker? I don't know.
I'll have to think about it.
Now, your daughter, on the other hand-- your daughter is something else.
'Cause I see Gloria Free, uninhibited.
She--she's-- hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ! - Gloria, would you? - Would I what? I got just three weeks.
If we start tomorrow-- you mean you want to do Gloria? For the show? - Yeah! - That's fantastic! Mom, daddy, can you believe it? Wait a minute.
You're gonna let this thing happen? Gloria's spending three weeks with this guy naked? Why not? Edith, do you hear what's going on here? Why not, Archie? I'm thrilled.
Szabo's my oldest friend.
So? Jim mcnab is our oldest friend.
Suppose I put your mother-in-law up in front of Jim mcnab without her clothes on? Oh, Archie, no! Relax.
It ain't happened yet.
I don't know what you're so uptight about.
The human body, the pure form, it's art, it's part of life.
So is throwing up, but I don't want to look at it.
I don't believe you, daddy.
One of the most talented painters around today Flatters me by offering to paint me, and you make it sound so nasty.
Come on, szabo.
I'll make you that sandwich.
Well, what else is it, then? She's right, Archie.
Dirty is in the eye of the beholder.
And stupid is in the head of the polack.
I wanna tell you something-- don't start talking to me unless you take that back.
All right, I take it back.
Now sit down, you dumb polack, and let me talk to you.
Mike and me are gonna have a little talk, man to man.
That's nice.
Like father and son.
Well, maybe there's something that needs doing upstairs.
I'm sure there is.
Now listen-- no, you listen.
If you're gonna start in again with that paranoia about szabo, forget it, because he is a friend and I trust him.
Oh, famous last words.
That's what Abel was sayin' when he got it in the back from his own brother with a cane.
Now, this gypsy out here-- Hungarian! All right, whatever! This guy is way better looking than you, buddy, which, by the way, ain't so hard to be.
This could upset a girl.
You don't even trust your own daughter.
I didn't say that.
Now, sit down over here and let me talk to you.
Just sit down over here.
Now, let me tell you something about men.
Men have got certain things-- hormones, see.
Women have hormones too.
Theirs don't mean nothing.
Now, a man's hormones, they put ideas in his head.
See? Ideas.
And he goes around thinking of these ideas Until one day he has to do something about them To clear his mind.
That's right! And when that day comes when he's gotta clear his mind, he don't care who he does it with.
Now, I know guys that go after the wife of their best friend.
Come on! What are you talking about? Mike, you gotta listen to me.
Goulash got no conscience.
[ Szabo .]
That was a great sandwich.
Dummy up.
Mike, your wife can cook for me any time at all.
Gotta run now, buddy.
See you later.
See you, Mr.
bunker.
Are you going now? Yes, I am.
Thanks a lot for your hospitality, and most of all, thank you for my new model.
Look at her-- she's a pixie With the face of a doll and the body of a woman.
Ah! [ Kissing .]
[ Szabo .]
See you tomorrow.
[ Gloria .]
Bye! [ Edith .]
Bye! Well, I feel like Mrs.
O'Leary's cow, yelling "fire! Fire! Fire!" And nobody's paying no attention to me.
Archie, Gloria and I don't have that kind of marriage.
We trust each other.
My generation trusts.
My generation trusts too, meathead-- in God, not Hungarians.
Edith, today, without fail-- - yeah, Archie? - Cut your toenails.
Huh? And I mean right down to the bone.
You got a thing you're doing now-- your feet come over to my side, your nails are runnin' up and down my leg.
It's like sleepin' with a leopard.
Good morning, folks.
[ Speaking Hungarian .]
What the hell was that all about? That's Hungarian for "darling mother" and "beloved papa.
" Oh, I forgot my watch.
I'll be right back.
Ain't she turning into a happy little bohunk? Oh, yeah.
She loves posing for szabo.
He talks to her while he's painting, and she loves listening to him.
He's been everywhere, so he tells her about Paris, Rome, Athens, winnetka.
- Winnetka? - That's where he was born.
I don't understand you.
Your only daughter, the flesh of your blood, going out every day for three weeks To pose naked for this guy Who-- a-- ain't her husband, and-- b-- makes her husband look like a pile of inner tubes, and you don't do nothing about it.
I think I'll just have juice and coffee this morning.
Getting a pretty early start these mornings, huh, little girl? We have to.
Szabo loses the light at 4:30.
What's he need light for? He's gonna give you six belly buttons, no matter what he sees.
Boy, did we ever jog.
We must've done over a mile.
Pretty close.
Eighteen blocks.
You're jogging, huh? When did you start that? A couple weeks ago.
Why? You wouldn't be jogging away from any personal problems, would you, Michael? What do you mean by that? Actually, it was my idea.
I've been thinking about jogging for months.
But you don't have to drag him along.
You can do that by yourself.
Well, let me ask you a question, Mr.
bunker.
If you were walking down the street at 7:00 in the morning And you saw this black guy all by himself Running through this neighborhood, what would you think? I see what you mean, Lionel.
Yeah, I figured you would.
Bye, Lionel.
I've gotta run too.
Wait a second.
I just got back.
Edith, now, this might just be a father's intermission, but I smell a rat.
And you sit there and you have no opinion at all.
Oh, I got an opinion, but you never asked me for it.
Well, I'm asking you now, Edith.
Well, I'm not sure you should butt in where angels fear to tread.
What does that mean? Only fools rush in where angels-- Edith, if I want a song lyric I'll turn on the radio.
Come on, give me your opinion, straight from the dingbat.
Well I think you should mind your own business.
Who asked you? I'll be at the library till it closes, but then I'm coming right back home.
I'll be home waiting for you.
Szabo says we'll finish before he loses the light.
Then we'll probably grab a quick drink to celebrate, and then I'll be home.
One thing, Gloria.
Remember yesterday when I came into the studio And you were posing? How come when you saw me you jumped up and-- and put my robe on? Yeah.
Why did you do that? I don't know, Michael.
It's just that szabo was there looking at me his way, and then you came in looking at me, you know, your way, and suddenly I felt naked.
Yeah? You haven't been concerned about-- well, about szabo and me, have you? What? Are you kidding? Gloria, how could you even think a thing like that? So your father's upset.
That doesn't mean that I am.
Oh, good.
I didn't think so, anyway, because I can always tell when you're upset.
You get that funny little twitch in your left eye.
I love you, Michael.
Bye.
Have a good day.
Bye.
Anyway-- all I can tell you is, I'm surprised at you dragging me to a picture like that.
It was absolutely disgusting.
Well, I'm sorry, Archie.
How was I to know? I thought it was a religious picture-- cardinal knowledge.
It's not cardinal knowledge, Edith.
Carnal.
Carnal.
It's a whole other thing.
One of the dirtiest pictures I ever seen.
Hormones were flying all over the screen.
And you're gonna tell me there are really people like that? "Hello.
How are you?" Zap! Into the sack? Gee, I had to watch the whole picture like this.
Nobody was ever standing up.
I'm glad I went to sleep.
Look, Archie, I don't think Gloria's come home yet.
I left some food on the stove, I set the place, and it ain't been touched.
Well, the Hungarian said the light failed him at 4:30.
Well, here it is 9:30 and she ain't home yet.
You got a song lyric for that? Archie, you don't have to worry about Gloria.
She's our daughter.
I ain't worried about Gloria.
I'm worried about that hunkie's hormones.
His what? It's a subject I can't get in with you Because its male and it's rough.
All I can tell you is, when it comes to hormones I wouldn't trust any man in the world as far as I could throw him.
Well, that would include you, Archie.
No, not necessarily, Edith, because I got my hormones on a leash.
[ Whistling .]
Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.
Mr.
happiness himself.
The meatheaded husband is home, whistling a happy tune.
Hey, what's with him? It used to be I had to say something before he went nuts.
Now all I gotta do is show up.
- Where were you till this hour? - At the library working on my paper.
Well, work on this.
It's nearly 10:00 and your wife ain't home yet.
Oh, yeah? Maybe they were cleaning up the studio.
Well After three weeks it could get pretty messy.
Well? [ Whistling .]
Oh, there it is, Edith.
There it is, as clear as you'll ever see-- the two generations side by side.
There's the modern one over here.
His wife is out every day for three weeks, posing naked for some guy, and now she's five hours late coming home from that guy And he sits over there whistling as happy as any bird.
And you know why? Because his generation trusts, Edith, see.
They trust all kinds of revolutionaries, hippies, queers and what have you.
They trust anything and anybody that ain't us.
I warned this boy three weeks ago-- "you gotta keep in line this Hungarian.
" I said, "you can't put your trust in any person but him.
" But does he listen to me? No, because he don't trust me.
How can he? You ain't God.
Okay, okay, Archie, so Gloria's five hours late.
You think I'm not worried? Of course I'm worried.
But I'm worried about Gloria's welfare.
A lot can happen in five hours.
You're telling me.
No, I don't think like that.
I'm gonna tell you for the hundredth time-- we are talking about my wife and my best friend.
And yes, I do trust them.
There's the difference in your generations right there, Archie.
You've been spending the last 30 years Checking under every bed for a communist And thinking you're better than they are with your stinking puritan ethic, and what have you got to show for it? A wife who's home at 10:00, buddy.
Yeah, that's right.
Sure, and the fear and the mistrust of the rest of the world.
Well, you can live with that fear and mistrust.
I don't want to have any part of it! You hear what I'm saying? Szabo, what the hell are you doing with my wife? I wanna know what Gloria's doing there at this late hour, and don't tell me you're painting her by starlight.
I have had this on my mind a long time, and now that it's out in the open-- Gloria! Gloria? Bye there, szabo.
When did you get home? Uh, when did you get home? About 6:00.
I was so tired, I just went right upstairs and flopped into bed.
Boy, am I glad you're home.
Home in bed since 6:00, and you knew nothing about it.
How could I, Archie? I was at the movies with you.
What difference does that make? Ah, geez, look at this now.
[ Humming .]
Don't do that.
It's the Japanese sandman he'll be here soon well, meathead, I hope you learned something tonight.
You should've heard yourself on that telephone.
What are you talking about? She was home at 6:00.
Get outta here.
I wonder why the sandman is Japanese.
He should have been an arab.
They got much more sand.
Here's the painting.
Yeah.
Szabo said we could bring it home tonight so you could see it.
Oh, ain't that exciting.
You ready? Yeah.
ta-da oh, my.
It's very nice.
Isn't it great? [ Mike .]
What do you think, arch? I knew it.
There's one there, two, three, four, five Six [ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.