Alleyn Mysteries (1990) s02e02 Episode Script
Scales of Justice
Bloody dictators! Indeed Frustrating and mildly irritating I've seen the way his bully boys jackboot their way around the country as if they own it - If Hitler marches in - They will own it Make no mistake, Tommy, His Majesty's Government can't do a damn thing about it Can't? Or won't? We're a peace-loving democracy, old boy, which means, in a crisis, we invariably do things too little and too late Cheers Come in - Yes, Barker, what is it? - Captain Evans has turned up something I think you should know about, Excellency Ludovic! How are you? Come in Oh, yes Come in.
Close the door Oh, Kettle, you sadist, that hurt! Sorry So I should damn well think What are you trying to do to me? I am trying, Your Ladyship, to get this toe right You should have had treatment a week ago Yes, I know, I know, I know Other things Other people to worry about - Mam? - Well? Tommy is here Well? Well, he's outside.
He wants to see Papa More to the point, Gerald, your father wants to see him But But what? He's got to be stopped Tommy Cartarette is your father's closest friend This is probably the last time they'll see each other I got word you wanted to see me Only you, Tommy No-one else "The old order changeth"? "Yielding place to new" Caught the Old 'Un yet? Not yet The cunning beggar The finest trout in England I had hoped to land him, myself, one day, but The memoirs? My life in a parcel You, Tommy, you take it.
See it's published Why me? The only one I can trust Is there a snag? Why not let? Don't let me down.
Not now It hasn't been easy, Tommy Chapter 17 I've done a bit of revision Chief Inspector Alleyn Oh, hello Yes, I should think so It would have to be lunch Yes, all right Fine I'll see you then Sir? Nothing like having friends in high places, is there? I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand No I'm sure you dont Thomasina? Sweetheart! Thomasina! Mark, darling, dont make it harder than it already is - Daddy needs looking after - All right If you say so.
But he's got your stepmother.
Why does it have to be you? - Well, surely, Kitty - Because Yes? Because Kitty's You must have noticed When it comes down to it, I'm all he's got Where's Rose? Oh, I dont know.
I haven't seen her Croquet, I think I've just made some tea - Would you like one? - No, thanks A drink? No, I've got some work to do Just as you like If anyone wants me, Kitty, I'll be in the study Swevenings 25 Gerald "So roll on the Rodney, The Nelson, Renown, This three-funneled bastard is getting me down" Good afternoon, sir My brother, Sir George Alleyn, is expecting me Sign, please Thank you - Sunny? - Sunny Ranjan Chaudhury You know, in my house at Eton A bit before my time Thank you, Stanley Over here for the conference, you know.
Awfully nice chap I don't doubt it, but? Well, all the senior chappies from each country have bodyguards assigned to them As you must know better than anyone? Yes And, knowing you were my brother, Sunny asked for you, Rory Naturally Damn it all, George, any competent detective sergeant could do that job Yes, but I am actually a Detective Chief Inspector But of course you are Cheers Drink up, Rory You've nobbled the Assistant Commissioner, haven't you? Lunch? - Like this? - Yes, well The weight equally on on both feet Not that you've got much of that to worry about - What? - Well, you know Weight Hang on a second.
You You need to get your hands closer together More like this, you see? Like this? Now erm Do I give it a whack? My God, Kitty If only you weren't married Yes, I know, Gerald, but I am and, for all we know, he might be watching us this very minute So don't you think we ought to get on with our lesson? Yes.
Of course.
Anything you say, Kitty Good Like this? It's over there Oh, dear Oh, I'm a cook and a captain bold and the mate of the Nancy brig And a bosun tight and a midshipmate And the crew of the captain's gig Lovely.
Hector, dont push, dont push That's no way to treat a lady friend Now, dont run off, Marmaduke, please Now, come along, eat up nicely Now, one, two, three, four, five One, two, three, four, five We're one missing Thomasina Where are you? Where are you hiding, Thomasina? Bastard! Damn! We have an absconder An absentee A truant Let me know when you've finished playing nursemaid I'll find you a real job to do No rush, of course Take as much time as you like Sunny Not for much longer, sir I'm delighted, delighted to have you, of course It was most generous of Georgie to arrange it Not at all, sir Of course, I shall be very busy during the days, naturally - Naturally - But in the evenings You must tell me, Rory, what do you do in the evenings? Sir? Well, I have an idea that might amuse you Swevenings My kingdom My land My people Justice All of them Justice Dr Mark! Dr Mark! Dr Mark! Sir! Dr Mark! - A brandy? Old-fashioned, but - Yes, it may help Grandfather? He's taken a little Vic Is there anything I can do? You only have to say Vic Vic The Vicar, Hal? Do you want the vicar? Darling Why on earth would I want to see him? Absolutely preposterous! I'm trying to consider posterity Wait for me outside, William .
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there's absolutely no mention of it I just refuse to believe that my father would entrust such an important decision to you I'm sorry, Gerald Sorry? I've thought about it, very carefully, and I must go ahead And publish? And do what your father wished My father is dead and buried It's not a job I relish Good.
Then you can do the decent thing and throw that lot in the fire I will do no such thing - I have to consider others - Others! Do you mean to stand there and tell me I can't dissuade you from this disastrous action? Have you thought of the consequences to me? To the Lacklander name? I never thought a gentleman, and a Swevenings gentleman to boot, would fail to see where his duty lies I dont need you, Gerald, to tell me about duty Oh, do you not? Well, you can be clear about one thing This has put an end to any understanding that might exist between my son and your daughter What? I've stated my position I am disappointed in you, Cartarette, deeply disappointed I warn you .
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unless you can find some way to reconsider your decision, we have nothing more to say to each another You must bear the consequences I've always rather liked you, Gerald But, the fact is, you're a pompous ass Always have been Good day to you I'm wondering if I'll ever get through a day without having a row with one or other of my confounded neighbours You know what they're like They've been living in one another's pockets since before the Conquest They are about as interesting as a vicarage tea party Having rows is their only fun Gerald Lacklander On his high horse.
Dammed offensive And that's not all He says there's something going on between Rose and that boy of his - Mark Do you know anything about it? Darling, I should think everybody in Swevenings knows about that Well, I didnt! Why didnt you say something to me? - I'd like to know who told Gerald - Oh, well, I think I may have done Perhaps I said something during one of the golf lessons Darling? You dont think I'm playing false with Gerald, do you? This is terrible, terrible Every day for a week, it's been the same You've lost too much money, Rory That's all right, sir.
Don't give it a thought Is something the matter, Gerald? What? Well, lately, something seems to be worrying you Well? Still as stiff as a board And twice as painful That's lumbago for you Comes and goes Time you got yourself married, Commander What? Then your wife could take this on Save me a job As far as I'm concerned, Phinn, it's poaching! Poaching! And you should be ashamed of yourself! Yes.
There we were.
The Cumberland.
The South Atlantic Going like bats out of hell To get there before it was all over We were too late By the time we got there, the Graf Spee's skipper had scuttled his ship This is you, isn't it? What? You, Commander, with Mrs Cartarette Henry knew what he wanted, Hermione Did he? Do you think, Tommy, that it ever crossed his mind what we might want? It can only do harm to all of us Now, surely, you can see that I mean, what did Hal think he was trying to do? Well? I think he was trying to be fair - Now? - Now This is a murder job and you've been hand-picked for it Really, sir? No, Alleyn, not by me By Hermione, Lady Lacklander, who - Lacklander? - Who asked for you, personally Widow of Sir Henry Another butter-wouldnt-melt-in-my-mouth ambassadorial chums? Well, I knew him, sir, yes Well, what are you standing about here for? But erm what about? Ranjan Chaudhury is no longer your concern I'll make your excuses to the gentleman Sir - By the way, sir - What? He does enjoy the odd game of poker Does he? The thing is, he's absolutely hopeless Hasn't got a clue May we come in? Why, yes I can't beat about the bush, my dear, I Oh, Lord, this is not going to be easy For me? Or? It's Tommy I'm afraid it's the worst kind of news Pardon? Nunspardon The name of the house In a village called Swevenings Oh, yeah I used to go there as a boy The perfect English landscape Woods, meadows As far as the eye can see The ancestral home of the Lacklanders A highly inappropriate name, sir Just read the map, Brer The Colonel was with Sir Henry in foreign parts before the War All the Swevenings' families, well, the gentry, that is, hereabouts, the Lacklanders, the Phinns, the Syces, the Cartarettes, - one way or another, they're all connected - Are they? A piece of advice, sir Nudge one and you nudge 'em all I'll bear it in mind, Sergeant Oliphant The deceased, sir And PC Gripper - PC Gripper - Evening Poor devil That looks nasty What do you make of the wound? Some sort of hammer? Extraordinary! Look at the size of it! - Lookes like Moby Dick! - That's the Old 'Un What? They've been trying for him for a long time You'll go a long way before you see a finer trout than that, sir I understand there's a lot of rivalry amongst fishermen That's right, sir If a man could be that single-minded, he might Inspector If this poor fellow was killed for his catch .
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why is it still here? Why? I don't I dont understand why I ought to I mean, it's so late, I I ought to thank you all for coming over If there's anything I can do, anything at all .
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you just have to say the word I suppose I ought to do something .
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just to take my mind off it I just keep visu visualising Look I hate to bother you with this now, of all times, but As the police will be along any minute The police? Yes.
Of course - The police - Yeah Well, it's erm what we were talking about If you could spare a moment to .
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have another look for it - Is that Hammer Farm? - That's right, Inspector Not that it's been a farm for I don't know how long - Who's up there now? - Let's see Nurse Kettle.
That's the district nurse, as found the deceased Lady Lacklander, of course Her son Gerald Sir Gerald, he is now, by rights Her grandson Mark, our young doctor, who's sweet on the deceased's daughter, Rose And Rose herself Oh, and not forgetting the widow, Kitty, Mrs Cartarette You've got the whole bally lot up there, waiting for us, at this hour? - Yes, sir - I'm impressed All except for one, sir.
Commander Syce You won't get anything out of him, sir - Why is that? - He's inebriated, sir What's that? There Well, I wonder who does their reading by moonlight Someone else has caught a fish One of Mr Phinn's creatures, no doubt He's crackers on cats is Mr Phinn I'm sorry to force myself upon you at a time of shock and grief Look here, Alleyn, it's pretty damn late If we're to find out who did this terrible thing - Couldnt we do this in the morning? - Gerald There are some questions I should ask now, while memories are freshest Very sensible We're in your hands, Roderick, so tell us what you want and we'll do our best, all of us, to get it for you Thank you, Lady Lacklander But if you want my opinion as to why or how it happened, I haven't got one Mrs Cartarette? No, I It seems so unlikely Well, it must be a stranger, not a local chap Nobody we know would do a thing like this So, the Colonel had no enemies? There were no grudges, feuds, anything like that? Nurse Kettle, you found the body, I understand - At what time? - Just before nine Now, with your help, I'd like to get as close as I can to the time At the time it happened.
I'd like to ask you all, if any of you were anywhere near the Colonel, within, say, a couple of hours of nine o'clock and, if so What the devil are you driving at? Gerald, do be quiet or we'll be here all night If so, did you see anybody else in the vicinity? Well, as a matter of fact, I wasn't too far away myself The Colonel and I had arranged a meeting for eight o'clock It was a private matter In my experience, Lady Lacklander, in situations like this, very little remains private And we may as well all face it Be that as it may, I heard the Colonel having words Words? With Octavius Phinn He lives at Jacob's Cottage They were always at it, Mr Alleyn, but it was nothing Nothing? Nothing out of the ordinary.
Daddy and Occy were always rowing over the fishing You've got to face it, the man's an unconscionable blackguard Colonel Cartarette rented the fishing rights below the bridge and Occy Phinn the stretch above it Yes, and when it came to catching the Old 'Un, he damn well let his cast drift under the bridge into Cartarette's water Oh, for Gods sake, Gerald, what can it possibly matter now? You may very well be right, Mrs Cartarette And you saw this, Sir Gerald? Yes.
Second tee Deliberate poaching And you, Lady Lacklander, heard a subsequent quarrel? About half past seven They were both on the bridge, swearing like troopers Poaching! You should be ashamed of yourself! Ashamed? Thoroughly ashamed There's only one way you caught that - fishing in my water! If you believe that, and there isn't an iota of truth in it, you can keep the damn thing yourself! I wouldnt accept it now from you, even as a gift! And Cartarette said, "I wouldnt be seen dead with it" That old fish? I never heard such a fuss So, it was Mr Phinn who caught the Old 'Un and you saw him? Yes Did he see you? No, he couldnt possibly have What, did you tackle him? Tackle him? What about? About his poaching No, no, no, no, no.
Certainly not We were too disgusted You didnt look particularly disgusted from where I was Oh, Gerald Well, Occy went home in a huff, Tommy found me painting, and that was the end of that When exactly was that? About twenty to eight.
We had our meeting Ah, yes, your your "private" meeting - But erm - Yes, Sir Gerald? What happened to the Old 'Un? Well, that's a very interesting question It must be where Occy left it, on the bridge No What do you mean, no? At this minute, it's lying beside Colonel Cartarette's body Your father must have come back for it When I crossed the bridge, at ten past, it wasn't there No.
It's not the kind of thing hed do at all So, this remarkable fish leapt off the bridge, swam down the river and leapt onto the bank beside the Colonel It's a bit of a tall story But if a dead trout didnt move under its own steam .
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then who did move it? Well, I'm sorry to have kept you all up so late and I'm afraid we'll be here a day or two longer - A waste of time - I hope not Plain as a pikestaff who did it - Not plain to me, Sir Gerald - Or me What is it, Gerald? - There was someone out there - I can't see Gotcha! What are you doing? What are you doing? Who are you? What? Well Occy I'm looking for a fish I'm very sorry to intrude on you at this late hour, but I was hoping to find Colonel Cartarette Mr Phinn? Octavius Danberry Phinn.
Yes We are police officers and we're investigating the murder of Colonel Cartarette No Oh, no Oh, this is terrible My dears What can I say? I'm appalled Mr Phinn, if you please I'd like you to tell us now about this fish you're looking for Don't worry about that.
Lock him up! Gerald, shut up It's of no account, of no account, at all Nevertheless I bow to authority The fish, I call the Old 'Un, is was famous A magnificent trout.
Renowned And, this evening, above above Bottom Bridge I succeeded where scores before me had failed I caught him You bloody liar! You poached him! Under, under the bridge, under it! No! Now, gentlemen, dont let's get excited Thank you, Sir Gerald What happened to your catch? I left it Above Bottom Bridge I see It's not there now, is it? No Later on, Inspector, I returned How much later, sir? I haven't the least idea.
I dont carry a watch Much later, I returned to find that my prince of fish had gone Oh, come off it, Occy, you know Lady Lacklander, if you please! After you discovered your loss, sir? I went home Utterly mortified I tried to read.
I found no comfort anywhere, not even with my cats And then, recalling that a fellow angler Oh, poor Cartarette .
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might be interested, and seeing that lights were still burning No! I can't listen to another minute of this Occy, you are an old humbug This evening I heard you and Tommy Cartarette having the most awful row - Lady Lacklander - about the Old 'Un Well Well? Mr Phinn, do you wear glasses? For reading, Inspector, yes.
Why? One more thing, it would be most helpful if youd all agree to have Inspector Fox take your fingerprints All of us? Why? You know, Roderick, if someone is going to be treated like a criminal, it might as well be by somebody civilized Lady Lacklander, I shall pursue the Colonel's killer with the same diligence I would if he were a Billingsgate porter I've never doubted it Your meeting with the Colonel this evening That was both private and domestic It had nothing to do with Tommy's death Thank you Perhaps you can tell me this When you heard the Colonel and Mr Phinn quarrelling about the trout, did they talk about anything else? No Good night, Chief Inspector Come along, Gerald, I'm getting cold - Sir Gerald? - What? - Plain as a pikestaff? - What? The identity of the Colonel's killer Oh, yeah That disgusting little sewer rat, Phinn, of course Use thumbscrews He'll talk Good night But who'd want to do such a thing? Here Was anything bothering him, particularly? Yes But it's private No use to you at all Are you sure? If you say so Did your father keep anything special in here? Just his papers I know this is very painful for you, but the last time you saw him? He was going over to Jacob's Cottage He wanted to see Occy Phinn Have you any idea what about? I think it was something to do with publishing a book he was working on A book? Do you know? No, no, I don't It was something to do with the old days, before the War Daddy wanted Occy's opinion And if we have a number of people to be questioned His Lordship does the gentry and you do the rest Something like that, yes Now, this bloke with the bow and arrow Commander Syce.
And a gentleman He knew Mrs Cartarette before she married the Colonel? Yes Close, were they? The Commander and the Colonel's wife You'll have to ask him that Don't worry, Mrs Kettle, we shall And it's Miss Kettle, if you don't mind Oh, no I dont mind at all Now, this evening, erm when you found the body It was the worst ten minutes of my life Mr Fox, you dont take me for a fool? Certainly not You needn't believe me, but while I was there, realising there was nothing I could do for the poor gentlemen, I, well I had the feeling the certain, sure feeling I was being watched I believe you Now I understand there's money in the family Oh, do you? Been talking to Tibby Oliphant, I don't doubt Well, let me tell you, it was all Rose's mother's, not the Colonel's She was an heiress and a beauty Died giving birth to Rose So, erm the Colonel? Lived on his pension Never touched a penny of his wife's money He was a decent man, Mr Fox And er all the money will go straight to Miss Rose? The day she is 25 It's all in trust The erm young Doctor? He's the late Sir Henry's grandson, you know And er he's taken a shine to Miss Rose, I believe They'll make a lovely couple Now, the Doctor, he's got no money of his own, apart from that which he makes doctoring What are you suggesting, Inspector? Oh, bless you, I'm not suggesting anything Except you make a first-rate cuppa, Miss Kettle It's been forced Be nice to know why Would you care to place a small bet on whose prints we might find? A bob it's our Mr Phinn Half a crown it's not If anything occurs to you, don't hesitate to telephone We're staying at the Boy And Donkey Mrs Cartarette, if it's any consolation .
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be assured we'll find your husbands killer Thank you Good night - Good night, ma'am - Good night Curtis? Well, er seen alive at a quarter to eight, found dead at nine - That's about right - What about the weapon? Difficult to say.
You've got this deep depression in the left temple Your classic blunt instrument But, in the middle, you've got this neat hole - Two weapons? - Possibly Stunned by the first blow? Certainly killed by the second Thank you I'll be off, then.
I'll let you have my findings as soon as possible Thank you, Curtis Must have been squatting here, facing the river Come on, Brer, have a go Coshed By a left-hander, standing behind him Or erm a right-hander standing in front of him In the river? Well, I'm only trying to be helpful A magnificent fish Yes, well, I prefer mine in batter Let's have a look Good heavens! What's that? It looks like a piece of skin Well, this monster is unmarked So where is that from? Another trout? Well, where is it now? What is this place coming to? Before you know where you are, there's poaching, murder Two trout Wait a minute Yes Right, Brer, your turn - Me, sir? - Yes Alive or dead? Oh, alive, squatting Examining your catch All right Put some life into it Oh, yes, sir Splendid! Oh, yes? On holiday, are we? On the other hand, if the killer was standing here Like I said, someone right-handed Well, yes, but someone in front of him Someone he knew That leaves a pretty open field, I'd say How long is it since you were in a punt? Longer ago than I care to remember Right.
Who first? Syce Phinn, I think Syce! I say, who the hell is that? Come on.
Out of it Can't you read? Signs everywhere.
"Keep off!" Were you trying to kill us, sir? Certainly not.
Had a bit of a misfire What the hell are you two doing in the firing line, anyway? Commander Syce? That's me.
Who are you? Well, I'm not the Sheriff of Nottingham Murder? A hole in the left side of his temple Big enough to put a finger in - A gunshot? - No But a hole, just the same God Poor old Cartarette Care for a snort? No, thank you Mind if I do? Whod do a thing like that, eh? He was your neighbour, Commander.
How did you get on? - Me? - Yes A man of principles Not many like him left I liked the fella No rows, sir? No quarrels? None As quiet as a mouse Not like that gibbering halfwit on my other side Mr Phinn, would that be, sir? Cartarette and I He spent most of his waking hours down at the river The fact is, we had nothing in common Nothing, sir? What are you getting at? Colonel Cartarette's wife Widow.
Kitty I understand you knew her in the Far East, at the end of the War Knew her intimately Sir! You could probably tell us all we need to know - Fish? - Not this time, no Mr Phinn Id be gratifying to think you've come to make yourself agreeable to my cats But er the baleful look in your eye tells me otherwise Good morning.
Youd better come inside That ruffian Syce! Crazy, blood-lusting drunkard! He slaughtered my lovely Thomasina's mama Really? And coming home, yesterday evening, after my my skirmish with the unfortunate Cartarette .
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I myself was almost impaled by an arrow What time would that be, sir? I heard the church clock strike a quarter to eight, precisely Curious Why so? Oh, because at about that time, Nurse Kettle was apparently treating the Commander for lumbago, but no matter The Scaly Breed Thomas Cartarette? Yes, he's was an authority Mr Phinn your fishing rod, creel and so on, may I see them? - What, everything? - Please Now? And your togs, your suit, shoes, waders Ah! Traces of blood By all means, Inspector, and much good may they do you I'll give you a hand, sir "It's not perhaps generally known that the scales of no two trout are alike, in the same way that no two sets of human fingerprints ever match Criminal trout may leave incriminating evidence behind, which might fairly be termed "scales of justice" May I borrow this? Borrow? Yes Here is everything, Inspector I wish you joy of them I'll give you a receipt, sir Your son? Yes Long since departed to that "undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns" The War? A casualty of the War, yes I'm sorry Mr Phinn .
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your skirmish with the Colonel .
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was fishing its only cause? If not, it would have been a private matter You see, I understand that, last night, Colonel Cartarette came to see you about a book he was hoping to publish, about the old days As I said, Inspector, a private matter Last night, I also found these not far from Colonel Cartarette's body I am I am a timid man, Inspector Chief Inspector .
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if you don't mind, sir I say only this, Chief Inspector I am a timid man But an innocent one - Well done, Sergeant - Dragged into long grass he was Where are the chips? What do you think, Brer? Well - Remains to be seen - Remains, anyway That cut, I reckon, sir That looks promising - Have you got that bit of skin, Sergeant? - Sir No - There we are - Our second trout Yes, but what about these? These holes.
Here They weren't made by a catch, were they? Oh, one more thing, sir This was found at the bottom of the hill It's blood Perhaps we need more time Well erm There's no hurry I can wait As long as you like Oh, if you think But there must come a time, surely .
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when, instead of doing what other people want, one has to assert oneself Other people Always watching you, wanting something Ruddy committees, charities It's the name, you see Lacklander It stands for something And it's so unfair Gerald, darling, I'm the first to say that one should always think of other people But sometimes Surely Gerald! Mark, dear, have you seen your father? Gerald! You're right, of course, as usual, Kitty It's been difficult, dammed difficult Oh, my dear, I could make things so much easier for you Gerald! But, in the end, we Lacklanders have to think of other people "Noblesse oblige", what? If I did anything now, anything that might make things more difficult .
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it'd be like twisting the knife I'm grateful, you taking it like this, but I must think of the family, you see Of course it's been ghastly for you, ghastly Look There is one thing, before we join the others - No - What? Your missing chapter I can't find it You're scared, aren't you? Well, dont worry Perhaps you'll be lucky Perhaps Tommy chucked it, got cold feet But if he didnt, Gerald, may it come back to haunt you For heaven's sake, Rory It was a damned messy affair - There is nothing to be gained - By rocking the boat I'm not asking for much.
I simply want to know the truth The truth? I beg of you, Rory, for everyone's sake, let sleeping dogs lie The whole city was crawling with Nazi agents We didnt know what happened, exactly Except that young Phinn let a highly-confidential cable get into their hands No question he was guilty Sir Henry, whom he idolized, came down on him like a ton of bricks And .
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the lad went out and shot himself It was a sad, miserable business Thank you So, Ludovic came to a sticky end and the Colonel is about to publish the old man's memoirs Phinn knows that his son's name is going to be dragged through the mud So he murders Cartarette to prevent publication Well, perhaps But they're all holding something back Yes There's Lady L, keeping mum about her private chat with the Colonel There's something fishy between Phinn and the Colonel And Sir Gerald, he looks as though he's got a ferret down his trousers I dont think Sir Gerald would notice if he had a ferret down his trousers Even Miss Rose and the young Doctor Every one of them as jumpy as a cat Well, there you are "Nudge one and you nudge them all" Now, it was somewhere about here, Lady Lacklander watches Sir Gerald giving golf lessons to Mrs Cartarette And not just golf lessons You don't like Sir Gerald, do you? Not much.
No Here we are A shooting stick? Yes, but wait a minute Where have we seen that impression before? The left side of Colonel Cartarette's head You say you left this behind? Well, of course, for William to bring back You dont think I'd carry all this stuff myself, do you? I say, Mama! Thank you, William Mama, your sherry is waiting What's all this? More of your tommyrot, Alleyn? That's right, Sir Gerald Don't ask him what he wants it all for because he won't tell you I'm just coming Well, get along, Gerald.
He's not going to steal the silver All right Are you? Depends on how good it is I dont mind admitting, Roderick, I'd give something to know how that corkscrew mind of yours works By fits and starts, mostly Devious Like your brother Well, we'll all be outside, if you want us A council of war? Of course We've got to protect ourselves, somehow What, my entire damn wardrobe? No.
Just what you what everyone was wearing, when the Colonel was murdered I can't think of anything more disgusting than peering over other people's mucky clothes But if that's what you want, that's what you'll get Thank you, Lady Lacklander My skirt reeks of fish Oh, my God - Well, it does - Well, I must say! - Shouldnt I have said? - Yes, of course, Mrs Cartarette Why was that? Well, I was this side of the bridge, when I noticed that one of Occy's cats had got hold of a trout - Not the Old 'Un? - No, Gerald, not the Old 'Un I tried to pull it away but I could see the cat had half eaten it and it wasn't worth rescuing, so So it was the cat Did you notice three small holes in it? No Never mind You're quite sure? Well Well, quite, it was in a hopeless state Of course Darling, would you ask William to get everything packed or he'll be here all night Yeah, and my spiked shoes.
Get the whole kit We were playing golf I wore these shoes.
They're not very suitable, but I wore my brogues coming here.
I carried my deck shoes - Those, too, please - Off you go If you dont mind my giving orders in my own house - If not the whole county - Meaning what? Lady Lacklander, your late husbands memoirs Bad luck I take it you're all familiar with them? Why? Why do you assume that? Miss Cartarette? I thought I ought to No, no.
I'd like you here, please Thank you Lady Lacklander? The memoirs My husband sometimes talked over points of fact, factual accuracy with me, but er I never read them Before he died, he passed them over to Colonel Cartarette Can we all agree that it's highly likely they contain an account of Sir Henry's tenure as ambassador before the War? And that the person with the greatest interest in that account must be Mr Phinn Who, because of the tragedy that befell his son, must dread their publication - Yes, but - Yes, Sir Gerald? Nothing Unless, on the other hand On the other hand, what? Is it possible that Mr Phinn might welcome their publication? Why? Why do you say that? Why the Devil should he? If he knew that they would clear his son's name Have you spoken to Occy? Just Gerald, shut up! But, Mama, he can't have done, otherwise Occy can't have said anything, otherwise why would Alleyn be here, asking us now? Gerald, you complete and utter ninny! What? You blithering idiot! You haven't got the brains you were born with Private matters? If only one of them, just one of them, would come clean But, no, they dont want to let the side down, do they? The old guard in action Close ranks.
Stiff upper lips - Blood, sir - What? Thicker than water.
Always was, always will be Mr Phinn Good afternoon, Chief Inspector I've got nothing to say to you I want to borrow something And there is nothing you could possibly say to me which I would be willing to hear Borrow? Chapter 17 of Sir Henry's memoirs Then you are doomed, alas, to disappointment If you dont mind, sir, please don't waste our time Without the express permission of her ladyship, the mammoth matriarch, the Lady Brobdingnagian, the Dowager Ton, without her blessing .
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my hands are tied Lady Lacklander I've come to confess No.
No, I beseech you Occy, it's taken me all my strength to get to this point Regarding the notorious chapter 17 No, you mustn't Mr Phinn, please I want to confirm .
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what you may already have guessed And I want to say .
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that my family is in Mr Phinn's debt Stop before you Stop interrupting Mr Phinn, please If I don't fall at the first fence, I shall be all right My husband, Roderick, was a traitor Before the War, things were .
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very different here Some people people from families like ours, they took a different view of Fascism An Anglo-German alliance against Communism? A fantasy, Lady Lacklander, indulged in by very few My husband was one such Oh, not in the pay of his Nazi masters, but morally and intellectually in their hands I see So, in 1938 .
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when the contents of a highly-damaging cable were leaked to Nazi agents By a decent young man Who was foolish enough to get drunk .
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and let the cable fall into their hands that it was his job to decode In order to hide his own treachery .
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Sir Henry put on a show of ambassadorial rage Yes Made such threats and accusations that the poor lad went out and shot himself? Yes My dear You needn't You shouldnt Occy, my husband killed your son.
I must At the time, I I thought his wretched unhappiness was due to the boy's death And the treachery Ludovic was such a nice young man He hero-worshipped my husband He couldn't stand it when Hal sent him off Why didnt you want Roderick to know the truth? Before Before he killed himself, Vicky wrote to his mother, assuring her of his innocence And begging us to do nothing to injure Sir Henry I've tried to keep that faith.
I've tried to do what he asked And I have no wish to let the Lacklanders suffer from my dear boy's death Occy Occy You make me feel more ashamed than I did before Mr Phinn? Chapter 17? If you dont mind, sir No, I dont mind Only you're too late Burnt to ashes The lengths these people will go to to protect each other Do you know, Brer, it makes me feel ashamed You did your bit, sir.
"Nudge one, you nudge them all", eh? I tell you something, I'll turn this valley upside down if I have to That sounds a bit revolutionary, sir I think we should leave off the politics and get back to good old-fashioned police work I dont know how long you think it will take us to get through all that We'll work all night, if we have to Just find scales from both fish on one set of clothing and we're home and dry What's biting him? Why all the fuss? The man was only killed last night - Some cases he likes - And some he doesnt Curtis! These three holes You dont suppose, by any chance? She seems like a nice woman Oh, the salt of the earth, sir Unlike some you could mention, eh? Yes, sir Some who take advantage of her good nature Always the way, isn't it? Those who take and those who give Like Mrs Cartarette Go on Yes, sir I know some round here would be quite happy to let her take the blame for what has happened Yes, I'm afraid you're right I can't see any of them weeping tears for her What the devil am I supposed to wear now? Sea boots and a parasol? Do you have a dressing gown, Commander? In the bedroom I'm telling you straight, Alleyn, you're on the wrong tack Point one.
I liked Cartarette Point two.
Do you think I'm a fool? Do you play golf, Commander? Sometimes Golf shoes, as well, please, Inspector! Point three If I had done him in, and the Lord only knows why I should, if there was any blood on any of that stuff, Do you think I'd still be wearing it? You say you liked Cartarette How many more times, damn it, yes, I did! - Were you also in love with his wife? - In love? Did you imagine, when you introduced them, theyd end up marrying? No, I damn well did not The poor little bitch She was lonely On her own for ages Had a rotten time Commander, last night, after Nurse Kettle had left, when you were supposed to be laid up with lumbago - Supposed to be? - You were, in fact, twanging away outside with your bow Thank you, Inspector Last night Colonel Cartarette was killed and there is a neat hole in the side of his head Yours, Commander? It's covered in blood It was It was one of Phinn's perishing cats It was an accident.
I didnt mean to do it I keep telling that half-hard, jumped-up, Never-come-down Phinn, I like moggies But he won't believe me.
What am I supposed to do? Put your dressing gown on, sir Deliberately placed against the bruised temple .
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and then sat on The spike was then wiped clean on the painting rag from Lady Lacklander's painting satchel See? Traces of blood Oh, and we found two different types of fish scale on it Now, was there anything on any of these? No.
Not so far Oh, and whose fingerprints do you suppose we found on the Colonel's desk drawer? - Mrs Cartarette's - Phinn's Sir Gerald Lacklander's "Stiffen the sinews.
Summon up the blood" Sir? "Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage" Despite his noble birth, Sir Gerald must be the most stupid man in England Well Well, Mrs Cartarette doesnt think so Given a helping hand, he might even propose to her I hope she's not counting on it I'm dammed if I like your tone.
What do you want? The truth.
When you went to Hammer Farm and broke open the desk drawer My God! He's deliberately insulting me now.
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You expected to find your father's memoirs What? No, no, no, no, I deny it You didnt break open the desk drawer? You've got hold of the wrong end of the stick I did it for the family, for For Mrs Cartarette She'd mislaid the key and er it was damned difficult You did it at Mrs Cartarette's request? What? Yes, yes Was she present at the time? No Sir Gerald, you were in a mucksweat and went to find chapter 17, weren't you? Your father's belated confession at betraying his own country and driving an innocent young man to suicide You're a vain man, Sir Gerald, with a fanatical sense of family prestige and you'll go to any lengths to preserve it Any lengths? It's absurd! You You don't You can't think that I Murdered Colonel Cartarette? But, my God, it's absurd, the very idea It's It's beyond belief I mean I mean, how? A blow to the head followed by a stab The stab was made by your mother's shooting stick and I will wager the blow came from a golf club Yes? What? Yes.
Hang on.
He's er here Thank you Alleyn Well, we've found two different types of fish scale on the seat of the punt - Alleyn, can you hear me? - Yes - Got someone with you? - Yes Right Well, now then, make what you can of the next bit, but, so far, we can't find any sign of both kinds of fish scale on any one person's clothing Or on their sports gear Damn Oh, Alleyn, there is something else At least they should make you sleep better Thanks You look as if you could do with a little something yourself Me? What is it? Man trouble? There's no need to look like the Virgin On The Rocks.
It does happen, you know To all of us When you get it in the neck from one of this lot But, Mrs Cartarette, you can't say that Can't I? I know he's got his little weakness, but he's a gentlemen.
You could help him get over it I happen to know he doesn't think of any other woman but you Who on earth are you talking about, Kettle? Why, Commander Syce That useless hulk! Mrs Cartarette! I lived with him once in Singapore, because it suited us both And when he came home and found out that I'd married Tommy Cartarette, did he lift a little finger to help me get on with the .
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useless dummies round here? No, he didnt Commander Syce means nothing to me, Kettle And I can assure you, I mean nothing to him Oh, but if you're keen on him yourself I never said any such thing You didnt need to, dear.
Don't worry, I won't stand in your way And if it all works out, lovey-dovey .
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and if you can get the county to call on you and treat you like a human being, well, good luck - Because I never have - If you mean the Lacklanders I do - I do - You don't understand How long was it, do you think, before the fat lady of Nunspardon could crack her face and give me a smile? The family goes back to before the Norman Conquest And what good are they? They don't do anything They've got no .
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no gaiety They've got no spirit And they are weak from inbreeding Do you know, Kettle, it was a hundred times better for me during the war and, here I am, dumped down in the middle of them and I'm supposed to feel grateful Say what you like Whatever has happened it's their own fault It seems the murderer stumbled Possibly during the tricky business of withdrawing the shooting stick from his head Oh, for Gods sake! At any rate, the sole of his shoe came down on the Colonel's catch A modest trout and made three distinct holes Conjecture - I assure you, Sir Gerald - Sheer conjecture Faced with this incriminating evidence, the murderer has a double inspiration Why not swap this trout for another? The Old 'Un and, at the same time Implicate poor Occy Phinn Exactly So far so good? Now, what to do with this damaged trout? It's at this point that Thomasina puts in an appearance Tom who? One of Occy's cats What's the blasted cat got to do with it? The murderer gives the fish to the cat To eat And uses your painting rag, Lady Lacklander, to clean up afterwards To clean up blood from the shooting stick And fish scales From two separate trout So, if you were to find the fish scales from both trout on any of our clothes, then What is all this? That would, indeed, have identified the murderer, but, unfortunately, none of the garments tested showed both sets You see? I told you.
Nobody we know would do a thing like this However .
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the holes in the smaller trout came from a spiked golf shoe Who are you accusing? Made by quite a decent bootmaker in the Burlington Arcade A ladies size 6, Lady Lacklander Gerald? Instead of bowing and scraping, why don't you, Kettle, for once in your life, take a good, long, hard look at your beloved Lacklanders And see them for what they really are I've no wish to do any such thing And you, Mrs Cartarette, you've got no right No? It was Sir Gerald, scared out of his wits, such as they are, who broke open Tommy's desk I dont believe you And you know why? Because the poor fool was terrified that Tommy was going to print something about the old man and blacken the escutcheon - I won't listen to this - Yes, you will Today, after all his pathetic fumbling .
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his schoolboy attempts to get me into his bed You're a wicked woman .
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he had the sheer nerve to give me the push - If poor Sir Gerald has been silly - Silly! And infatuated, it's you, you that led him on You trapped our dear Colonel and now you're setting your cap at Sir Gerald Well I know your sort, Mrs Cartarette Oh, let's face it, Kettle, you dont know anything You dont know the first thing about men How dare you! You think they're all plaster saints, do you? "Poor Sir Gerald" Shall I give you another shock? I think "poor Sir Gerald" murdered your poor dear Colonel No I will not listen to another word You're wicked, evil! Mrs Cartarette Well, Chief Inspector Don't you have any words of comfort for a grieving widow? I do have a question to put to you, yes Questions, questions.
Don't you do anything else but ask questions? When you were playing golf with Sir Gerald, you told me you were wearing an ordinary pair of black shoes Yes In fact, didnt he lend you his mother's golfing shoes? No The ones she couldnt wear herself because of her septic toe No No And did he also lend you his golf driver? Yes And you used it On your husband He was sitting there Drooling over his stupid fish Bald and shining His head was Like an egg, waiting to be cracked open Gerald taught me how to use the golf club And I used it.
Whack! And over he went And then you used a shooting stick? But I didnt need Gerald to teach me how to use that, Chief Inspector I knew what she wanted, all right And, of course .
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she could be quite amusing But I would never have dreamt of marrying her, Mama "Nudge one, you nudge them all"? If they hadn't been so keen to close ranks against outsiders, we might have got there sooner Do you know, Brer, I used to love this place Now I'm not so sure Money.
Land.
Position Must be a hard life We never had those problems in Peckham, sir Do you know what I'd like now? - What's that? - Fish and chips
Close the door Oh, Kettle, you sadist, that hurt! Sorry So I should damn well think What are you trying to do to me? I am trying, Your Ladyship, to get this toe right You should have had treatment a week ago Yes, I know, I know, I know Other things Other people to worry about - Mam? - Well? Tommy is here Well? Well, he's outside.
He wants to see Papa More to the point, Gerald, your father wants to see him But But what? He's got to be stopped Tommy Cartarette is your father's closest friend This is probably the last time they'll see each other I got word you wanted to see me Only you, Tommy No-one else "The old order changeth"? "Yielding place to new" Caught the Old 'Un yet? Not yet The cunning beggar The finest trout in England I had hoped to land him, myself, one day, but The memoirs? My life in a parcel You, Tommy, you take it.
See it's published Why me? The only one I can trust Is there a snag? Why not let? Don't let me down.
Not now It hasn't been easy, Tommy Chapter 17 I've done a bit of revision Chief Inspector Alleyn Oh, hello Yes, I should think so It would have to be lunch Yes, all right Fine I'll see you then Sir? Nothing like having friends in high places, is there? I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand No I'm sure you dont Thomasina? Sweetheart! Thomasina! Mark, darling, dont make it harder than it already is - Daddy needs looking after - All right If you say so.
But he's got your stepmother.
Why does it have to be you? - Well, surely, Kitty - Because Yes? Because Kitty's You must have noticed When it comes down to it, I'm all he's got Where's Rose? Oh, I dont know.
I haven't seen her Croquet, I think I've just made some tea - Would you like one? - No, thanks A drink? No, I've got some work to do Just as you like If anyone wants me, Kitty, I'll be in the study Swevenings 25 Gerald "So roll on the Rodney, The Nelson, Renown, This three-funneled bastard is getting me down" Good afternoon, sir My brother, Sir George Alleyn, is expecting me Sign, please Thank you - Sunny? - Sunny Ranjan Chaudhury You know, in my house at Eton A bit before my time Thank you, Stanley Over here for the conference, you know.
Awfully nice chap I don't doubt it, but? Well, all the senior chappies from each country have bodyguards assigned to them As you must know better than anyone? Yes And, knowing you were my brother, Sunny asked for you, Rory Naturally Damn it all, George, any competent detective sergeant could do that job Yes, but I am actually a Detective Chief Inspector But of course you are Cheers Drink up, Rory You've nobbled the Assistant Commissioner, haven't you? Lunch? - Like this? - Yes, well The weight equally on on both feet Not that you've got much of that to worry about - What? - Well, you know Weight Hang on a second.
You You need to get your hands closer together More like this, you see? Like this? Now erm Do I give it a whack? My God, Kitty If only you weren't married Yes, I know, Gerald, but I am and, for all we know, he might be watching us this very minute So don't you think we ought to get on with our lesson? Yes.
Of course.
Anything you say, Kitty Good Like this? It's over there Oh, dear Oh, I'm a cook and a captain bold and the mate of the Nancy brig And a bosun tight and a midshipmate And the crew of the captain's gig Lovely.
Hector, dont push, dont push That's no way to treat a lady friend Now, dont run off, Marmaduke, please Now, come along, eat up nicely Now, one, two, three, four, five One, two, three, four, five We're one missing Thomasina Where are you? Where are you hiding, Thomasina? Bastard! Damn! We have an absconder An absentee A truant Let me know when you've finished playing nursemaid I'll find you a real job to do No rush, of course Take as much time as you like Sunny Not for much longer, sir I'm delighted, delighted to have you, of course It was most generous of Georgie to arrange it Not at all, sir Of course, I shall be very busy during the days, naturally - Naturally - But in the evenings You must tell me, Rory, what do you do in the evenings? Sir? Well, I have an idea that might amuse you Swevenings My kingdom My land My people Justice All of them Justice Dr Mark! Dr Mark! Dr Mark! Sir! Dr Mark! - A brandy? Old-fashioned, but - Yes, it may help Grandfather? He's taken a little Vic Is there anything I can do? You only have to say Vic Vic The Vicar, Hal? Do you want the vicar? Darling Why on earth would I want to see him? Absolutely preposterous! I'm trying to consider posterity Wait for me outside, William .
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there's absolutely no mention of it I just refuse to believe that my father would entrust such an important decision to you I'm sorry, Gerald Sorry? I've thought about it, very carefully, and I must go ahead And publish? And do what your father wished My father is dead and buried It's not a job I relish Good.
Then you can do the decent thing and throw that lot in the fire I will do no such thing - I have to consider others - Others! Do you mean to stand there and tell me I can't dissuade you from this disastrous action? Have you thought of the consequences to me? To the Lacklander name? I never thought a gentleman, and a Swevenings gentleman to boot, would fail to see where his duty lies I dont need you, Gerald, to tell me about duty Oh, do you not? Well, you can be clear about one thing This has put an end to any understanding that might exist between my son and your daughter What? I've stated my position I am disappointed in you, Cartarette, deeply disappointed I warn you .
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unless you can find some way to reconsider your decision, we have nothing more to say to each another You must bear the consequences I've always rather liked you, Gerald But, the fact is, you're a pompous ass Always have been Good day to you I'm wondering if I'll ever get through a day without having a row with one or other of my confounded neighbours You know what they're like They've been living in one another's pockets since before the Conquest They are about as interesting as a vicarage tea party Having rows is their only fun Gerald Lacklander On his high horse.
Dammed offensive And that's not all He says there's something going on between Rose and that boy of his - Mark Do you know anything about it? Darling, I should think everybody in Swevenings knows about that Well, I didnt! Why didnt you say something to me? - I'd like to know who told Gerald - Oh, well, I think I may have done Perhaps I said something during one of the golf lessons Darling? You dont think I'm playing false with Gerald, do you? This is terrible, terrible Every day for a week, it's been the same You've lost too much money, Rory That's all right, sir.
Don't give it a thought Is something the matter, Gerald? What? Well, lately, something seems to be worrying you Well? Still as stiff as a board And twice as painful That's lumbago for you Comes and goes Time you got yourself married, Commander What? Then your wife could take this on Save me a job As far as I'm concerned, Phinn, it's poaching! Poaching! And you should be ashamed of yourself! Yes.
There we were.
The Cumberland.
The South Atlantic Going like bats out of hell To get there before it was all over We were too late By the time we got there, the Graf Spee's skipper had scuttled his ship This is you, isn't it? What? You, Commander, with Mrs Cartarette Henry knew what he wanted, Hermione Did he? Do you think, Tommy, that it ever crossed his mind what we might want? It can only do harm to all of us Now, surely, you can see that I mean, what did Hal think he was trying to do? Well? I think he was trying to be fair - Now? - Now This is a murder job and you've been hand-picked for it Really, sir? No, Alleyn, not by me By Hermione, Lady Lacklander, who - Lacklander? - Who asked for you, personally Widow of Sir Henry Another butter-wouldnt-melt-in-my-mouth ambassadorial chums? Well, I knew him, sir, yes Well, what are you standing about here for? But erm what about? Ranjan Chaudhury is no longer your concern I'll make your excuses to the gentleman Sir - By the way, sir - What? He does enjoy the odd game of poker Does he? The thing is, he's absolutely hopeless Hasn't got a clue May we come in? Why, yes I can't beat about the bush, my dear, I Oh, Lord, this is not going to be easy For me? Or? It's Tommy I'm afraid it's the worst kind of news Pardon? Nunspardon The name of the house In a village called Swevenings Oh, yeah I used to go there as a boy The perfect English landscape Woods, meadows As far as the eye can see The ancestral home of the Lacklanders A highly inappropriate name, sir Just read the map, Brer The Colonel was with Sir Henry in foreign parts before the War All the Swevenings' families, well, the gentry, that is, hereabouts, the Lacklanders, the Phinns, the Syces, the Cartarettes, - one way or another, they're all connected - Are they? A piece of advice, sir Nudge one and you nudge 'em all I'll bear it in mind, Sergeant Oliphant The deceased, sir And PC Gripper - PC Gripper - Evening Poor devil That looks nasty What do you make of the wound? Some sort of hammer? Extraordinary! Look at the size of it! - Lookes like Moby Dick! - That's the Old 'Un What? They've been trying for him for a long time You'll go a long way before you see a finer trout than that, sir I understand there's a lot of rivalry amongst fishermen That's right, sir If a man could be that single-minded, he might Inspector If this poor fellow was killed for his catch .
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why is it still here? Why? I don't I dont understand why I ought to I mean, it's so late, I I ought to thank you all for coming over If there's anything I can do, anything at all .
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you just have to say the word I suppose I ought to do something .
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just to take my mind off it I just keep visu visualising Look I hate to bother you with this now, of all times, but As the police will be along any minute The police? Yes.
Of course - The police - Yeah Well, it's erm what we were talking about If you could spare a moment to .
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have another look for it - Is that Hammer Farm? - That's right, Inspector Not that it's been a farm for I don't know how long - Who's up there now? - Let's see Nurse Kettle.
That's the district nurse, as found the deceased Lady Lacklander, of course Her son Gerald Sir Gerald, he is now, by rights Her grandson Mark, our young doctor, who's sweet on the deceased's daughter, Rose And Rose herself Oh, and not forgetting the widow, Kitty, Mrs Cartarette You've got the whole bally lot up there, waiting for us, at this hour? - Yes, sir - I'm impressed All except for one, sir.
Commander Syce You won't get anything out of him, sir - Why is that? - He's inebriated, sir What's that? There Well, I wonder who does their reading by moonlight Someone else has caught a fish One of Mr Phinn's creatures, no doubt He's crackers on cats is Mr Phinn I'm sorry to force myself upon you at a time of shock and grief Look here, Alleyn, it's pretty damn late If we're to find out who did this terrible thing - Couldnt we do this in the morning? - Gerald There are some questions I should ask now, while memories are freshest Very sensible We're in your hands, Roderick, so tell us what you want and we'll do our best, all of us, to get it for you Thank you, Lady Lacklander But if you want my opinion as to why or how it happened, I haven't got one Mrs Cartarette? No, I It seems so unlikely Well, it must be a stranger, not a local chap Nobody we know would do a thing like this So, the Colonel had no enemies? There were no grudges, feuds, anything like that? Nurse Kettle, you found the body, I understand - At what time? - Just before nine Now, with your help, I'd like to get as close as I can to the time At the time it happened.
I'd like to ask you all, if any of you were anywhere near the Colonel, within, say, a couple of hours of nine o'clock and, if so What the devil are you driving at? Gerald, do be quiet or we'll be here all night If so, did you see anybody else in the vicinity? Well, as a matter of fact, I wasn't too far away myself The Colonel and I had arranged a meeting for eight o'clock It was a private matter In my experience, Lady Lacklander, in situations like this, very little remains private And we may as well all face it Be that as it may, I heard the Colonel having words Words? With Octavius Phinn He lives at Jacob's Cottage They were always at it, Mr Alleyn, but it was nothing Nothing? Nothing out of the ordinary.
Daddy and Occy were always rowing over the fishing You've got to face it, the man's an unconscionable blackguard Colonel Cartarette rented the fishing rights below the bridge and Occy Phinn the stretch above it Yes, and when it came to catching the Old 'Un, he damn well let his cast drift under the bridge into Cartarette's water Oh, for Gods sake, Gerald, what can it possibly matter now? You may very well be right, Mrs Cartarette And you saw this, Sir Gerald? Yes.
Second tee Deliberate poaching And you, Lady Lacklander, heard a subsequent quarrel? About half past seven They were both on the bridge, swearing like troopers Poaching! You should be ashamed of yourself! Ashamed? Thoroughly ashamed There's only one way you caught that - fishing in my water! If you believe that, and there isn't an iota of truth in it, you can keep the damn thing yourself! I wouldnt accept it now from you, even as a gift! And Cartarette said, "I wouldnt be seen dead with it" That old fish? I never heard such a fuss So, it was Mr Phinn who caught the Old 'Un and you saw him? Yes Did he see you? No, he couldnt possibly have What, did you tackle him? Tackle him? What about? About his poaching No, no, no, no, no.
Certainly not We were too disgusted You didnt look particularly disgusted from where I was Oh, Gerald Well, Occy went home in a huff, Tommy found me painting, and that was the end of that When exactly was that? About twenty to eight.
We had our meeting Ah, yes, your your "private" meeting - But erm - Yes, Sir Gerald? What happened to the Old 'Un? Well, that's a very interesting question It must be where Occy left it, on the bridge No What do you mean, no? At this minute, it's lying beside Colonel Cartarette's body Your father must have come back for it When I crossed the bridge, at ten past, it wasn't there No.
It's not the kind of thing hed do at all So, this remarkable fish leapt off the bridge, swam down the river and leapt onto the bank beside the Colonel It's a bit of a tall story But if a dead trout didnt move under its own steam .
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then who did move it? Well, I'm sorry to have kept you all up so late and I'm afraid we'll be here a day or two longer - A waste of time - I hope not Plain as a pikestaff who did it - Not plain to me, Sir Gerald - Or me What is it, Gerald? - There was someone out there - I can't see Gotcha! What are you doing? What are you doing? Who are you? What? Well Occy I'm looking for a fish I'm very sorry to intrude on you at this late hour, but I was hoping to find Colonel Cartarette Mr Phinn? Octavius Danberry Phinn.
Yes We are police officers and we're investigating the murder of Colonel Cartarette No Oh, no Oh, this is terrible My dears What can I say? I'm appalled Mr Phinn, if you please I'd like you to tell us now about this fish you're looking for Don't worry about that.
Lock him up! Gerald, shut up It's of no account, of no account, at all Nevertheless I bow to authority The fish, I call the Old 'Un, is was famous A magnificent trout.
Renowned And, this evening, above above Bottom Bridge I succeeded where scores before me had failed I caught him You bloody liar! You poached him! Under, under the bridge, under it! No! Now, gentlemen, dont let's get excited Thank you, Sir Gerald What happened to your catch? I left it Above Bottom Bridge I see It's not there now, is it? No Later on, Inspector, I returned How much later, sir? I haven't the least idea.
I dont carry a watch Much later, I returned to find that my prince of fish had gone Oh, come off it, Occy, you know Lady Lacklander, if you please! After you discovered your loss, sir? I went home Utterly mortified I tried to read.
I found no comfort anywhere, not even with my cats And then, recalling that a fellow angler Oh, poor Cartarette .
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might be interested, and seeing that lights were still burning No! I can't listen to another minute of this Occy, you are an old humbug This evening I heard you and Tommy Cartarette having the most awful row - Lady Lacklander - about the Old 'Un Well Well? Mr Phinn, do you wear glasses? For reading, Inspector, yes.
Why? One more thing, it would be most helpful if youd all agree to have Inspector Fox take your fingerprints All of us? Why? You know, Roderick, if someone is going to be treated like a criminal, it might as well be by somebody civilized Lady Lacklander, I shall pursue the Colonel's killer with the same diligence I would if he were a Billingsgate porter I've never doubted it Your meeting with the Colonel this evening That was both private and domestic It had nothing to do with Tommy's death Thank you Perhaps you can tell me this When you heard the Colonel and Mr Phinn quarrelling about the trout, did they talk about anything else? No Good night, Chief Inspector Come along, Gerald, I'm getting cold - Sir Gerald? - What? - Plain as a pikestaff? - What? The identity of the Colonel's killer Oh, yeah That disgusting little sewer rat, Phinn, of course Use thumbscrews He'll talk Good night But who'd want to do such a thing? Here Was anything bothering him, particularly? Yes But it's private No use to you at all Are you sure? If you say so Did your father keep anything special in here? Just his papers I know this is very painful for you, but the last time you saw him? He was going over to Jacob's Cottage He wanted to see Occy Phinn Have you any idea what about? I think it was something to do with publishing a book he was working on A book? Do you know? No, no, I don't It was something to do with the old days, before the War Daddy wanted Occy's opinion And if we have a number of people to be questioned His Lordship does the gentry and you do the rest Something like that, yes Now, this bloke with the bow and arrow Commander Syce.
And a gentleman He knew Mrs Cartarette before she married the Colonel? Yes Close, were they? The Commander and the Colonel's wife You'll have to ask him that Don't worry, Mrs Kettle, we shall And it's Miss Kettle, if you don't mind Oh, no I dont mind at all Now, this evening, erm when you found the body It was the worst ten minutes of my life Mr Fox, you dont take me for a fool? Certainly not You needn't believe me, but while I was there, realising there was nothing I could do for the poor gentlemen, I, well I had the feeling the certain, sure feeling I was being watched I believe you Now I understand there's money in the family Oh, do you? Been talking to Tibby Oliphant, I don't doubt Well, let me tell you, it was all Rose's mother's, not the Colonel's She was an heiress and a beauty Died giving birth to Rose So, erm the Colonel? Lived on his pension Never touched a penny of his wife's money He was a decent man, Mr Fox And er all the money will go straight to Miss Rose? The day she is 25 It's all in trust The erm young Doctor? He's the late Sir Henry's grandson, you know And er he's taken a shine to Miss Rose, I believe They'll make a lovely couple Now, the Doctor, he's got no money of his own, apart from that which he makes doctoring What are you suggesting, Inspector? Oh, bless you, I'm not suggesting anything Except you make a first-rate cuppa, Miss Kettle It's been forced Be nice to know why Would you care to place a small bet on whose prints we might find? A bob it's our Mr Phinn Half a crown it's not If anything occurs to you, don't hesitate to telephone We're staying at the Boy And Donkey Mrs Cartarette, if it's any consolation .
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be assured we'll find your husbands killer Thank you Good night - Good night, ma'am - Good night Curtis? Well, er seen alive at a quarter to eight, found dead at nine - That's about right - What about the weapon? Difficult to say.
You've got this deep depression in the left temple Your classic blunt instrument But, in the middle, you've got this neat hole - Two weapons? - Possibly Stunned by the first blow? Certainly killed by the second Thank you I'll be off, then.
I'll let you have my findings as soon as possible Thank you, Curtis Must have been squatting here, facing the river Come on, Brer, have a go Coshed By a left-hander, standing behind him Or erm a right-hander standing in front of him In the river? Well, I'm only trying to be helpful A magnificent fish Yes, well, I prefer mine in batter Let's have a look Good heavens! What's that? It looks like a piece of skin Well, this monster is unmarked So where is that from? Another trout? Well, where is it now? What is this place coming to? Before you know where you are, there's poaching, murder Two trout Wait a minute Yes Right, Brer, your turn - Me, sir? - Yes Alive or dead? Oh, alive, squatting Examining your catch All right Put some life into it Oh, yes, sir Splendid! Oh, yes? On holiday, are we? On the other hand, if the killer was standing here Like I said, someone right-handed Well, yes, but someone in front of him Someone he knew That leaves a pretty open field, I'd say How long is it since you were in a punt? Longer ago than I care to remember Right.
Who first? Syce Phinn, I think Syce! I say, who the hell is that? Come on.
Out of it Can't you read? Signs everywhere.
"Keep off!" Were you trying to kill us, sir? Certainly not.
Had a bit of a misfire What the hell are you two doing in the firing line, anyway? Commander Syce? That's me.
Who are you? Well, I'm not the Sheriff of Nottingham Murder? A hole in the left side of his temple Big enough to put a finger in - A gunshot? - No But a hole, just the same God Poor old Cartarette Care for a snort? No, thank you Mind if I do? Whod do a thing like that, eh? He was your neighbour, Commander.
How did you get on? - Me? - Yes A man of principles Not many like him left I liked the fella No rows, sir? No quarrels? None As quiet as a mouse Not like that gibbering halfwit on my other side Mr Phinn, would that be, sir? Cartarette and I He spent most of his waking hours down at the river The fact is, we had nothing in common Nothing, sir? What are you getting at? Colonel Cartarette's wife Widow.
Kitty I understand you knew her in the Far East, at the end of the War Knew her intimately Sir! You could probably tell us all we need to know - Fish? - Not this time, no Mr Phinn Id be gratifying to think you've come to make yourself agreeable to my cats But er the baleful look in your eye tells me otherwise Good morning.
Youd better come inside That ruffian Syce! Crazy, blood-lusting drunkard! He slaughtered my lovely Thomasina's mama Really? And coming home, yesterday evening, after my my skirmish with the unfortunate Cartarette .
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I myself was almost impaled by an arrow What time would that be, sir? I heard the church clock strike a quarter to eight, precisely Curious Why so? Oh, because at about that time, Nurse Kettle was apparently treating the Commander for lumbago, but no matter The Scaly Breed Thomas Cartarette? Yes, he's was an authority Mr Phinn your fishing rod, creel and so on, may I see them? - What, everything? - Please Now? And your togs, your suit, shoes, waders Ah! Traces of blood By all means, Inspector, and much good may they do you I'll give you a hand, sir "It's not perhaps generally known that the scales of no two trout are alike, in the same way that no two sets of human fingerprints ever match Criminal trout may leave incriminating evidence behind, which might fairly be termed "scales of justice" May I borrow this? Borrow? Yes Here is everything, Inspector I wish you joy of them I'll give you a receipt, sir Your son? Yes Long since departed to that "undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns" The War? A casualty of the War, yes I'm sorry Mr Phinn .
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your skirmish with the Colonel .
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was fishing its only cause? If not, it would have been a private matter You see, I understand that, last night, Colonel Cartarette came to see you about a book he was hoping to publish, about the old days As I said, Inspector, a private matter Last night, I also found these not far from Colonel Cartarette's body I am I am a timid man, Inspector Chief Inspector .
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if you don't mind, sir I say only this, Chief Inspector I am a timid man But an innocent one - Well done, Sergeant - Dragged into long grass he was Where are the chips? What do you think, Brer? Well - Remains to be seen - Remains, anyway That cut, I reckon, sir That looks promising - Have you got that bit of skin, Sergeant? - Sir No - There we are - Our second trout Yes, but what about these? These holes.
Here They weren't made by a catch, were they? Oh, one more thing, sir This was found at the bottom of the hill It's blood Perhaps we need more time Well erm There's no hurry I can wait As long as you like Oh, if you think But there must come a time, surely .
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when, instead of doing what other people want, one has to assert oneself Other people Always watching you, wanting something Ruddy committees, charities It's the name, you see Lacklander It stands for something And it's so unfair Gerald, darling, I'm the first to say that one should always think of other people But sometimes Surely Gerald! Mark, dear, have you seen your father? Gerald! You're right, of course, as usual, Kitty It's been difficult, dammed difficult Oh, my dear, I could make things so much easier for you Gerald! But, in the end, we Lacklanders have to think of other people "Noblesse oblige", what? If I did anything now, anything that might make things more difficult .
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it'd be like twisting the knife I'm grateful, you taking it like this, but I must think of the family, you see Of course it's been ghastly for you, ghastly Look There is one thing, before we join the others - No - What? Your missing chapter I can't find it You're scared, aren't you? Well, dont worry Perhaps you'll be lucky Perhaps Tommy chucked it, got cold feet But if he didnt, Gerald, may it come back to haunt you For heaven's sake, Rory It was a damned messy affair - There is nothing to be gained - By rocking the boat I'm not asking for much.
I simply want to know the truth The truth? I beg of you, Rory, for everyone's sake, let sleeping dogs lie The whole city was crawling with Nazi agents We didnt know what happened, exactly Except that young Phinn let a highly-confidential cable get into their hands No question he was guilty Sir Henry, whom he idolized, came down on him like a ton of bricks And .
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the lad went out and shot himself It was a sad, miserable business Thank you So, Ludovic came to a sticky end and the Colonel is about to publish the old man's memoirs Phinn knows that his son's name is going to be dragged through the mud So he murders Cartarette to prevent publication Well, perhaps But they're all holding something back Yes There's Lady L, keeping mum about her private chat with the Colonel There's something fishy between Phinn and the Colonel And Sir Gerald, he looks as though he's got a ferret down his trousers I dont think Sir Gerald would notice if he had a ferret down his trousers Even Miss Rose and the young Doctor Every one of them as jumpy as a cat Well, there you are "Nudge one and you nudge them all" Now, it was somewhere about here, Lady Lacklander watches Sir Gerald giving golf lessons to Mrs Cartarette And not just golf lessons You don't like Sir Gerald, do you? Not much.
No Here we are A shooting stick? Yes, but wait a minute Where have we seen that impression before? The left side of Colonel Cartarette's head You say you left this behind? Well, of course, for William to bring back You dont think I'd carry all this stuff myself, do you? I say, Mama! Thank you, William Mama, your sherry is waiting What's all this? More of your tommyrot, Alleyn? That's right, Sir Gerald Don't ask him what he wants it all for because he won't tell you I'm just coming Well, get along, Gerald.
He's not going to steal the silver All right Are you? Depends on how good it is I dont mind admitting, Roderick, I'd give something to know how that corkscrew mind of yours works By fits and starts, mostly Devious Like your brother Well, we'll all be outside, if you want us A council of war? Of course We've got to protect ourselves, somehow What, my entire damn wardrobe? No.
Just what you what everyone was wearing, when the Colonel was murdered I can't think of anything more disgusting than peering over other people's mucky clothes But if that's what you want, that's what you'll get Thank you, Lady Lacklander My skirt reeks of fish Oh, my God - Well, it does - Well, I must say! - Shouldnt I have said? - Yes, of course, Mrs Cartarette Why was that? Well, I was this side of the bridge, when I noticed that one of Occy's cats had got hold of a trout - Not the Old 'Un? - No, Gerald, not the Old 'Un I tried to pull it away but I could see the cat had half eaten it and it wasn't worth rescuing, so So it was the cat Did you notice three small holes in it? No Never mind You're quite sure? Well Well, quite, it was in a hopeless state Of course Darling, would you ask William to get everything packed or he'll be here all night Yeah, and my spiked shoes.
Get the whole kit We were playing golf I wore these shoes.
They're not very suitable, but I wore my brogues coming here.
I carried my deck shoes - Those, too, please - Off you go If you dont mind my giving orders in my own house - If not the whole county - Meaning what? Lady Lacklander, your late husbands memoirs Bad luck I take it you're all familiar with them? Why? Why do you assume that? Miss Cartarette? I thought I ought to No, no.
I'd like you here, please Thank you Lady Lacklander? The memoirs My husband sometimes talked over points of fact, factual accuracy with me, but er I never read them Before he died, he passed them over to Colonel Cartarette Can we all agree that it's highly likely they contain an account of Sir Henry's tenure as ambassador before the War? And that the person with the greatest interest in that account must be Mr Phinn Who, because of the tragedy that befell his son, must dread their publication - Yes, but - Yes, Sir Gerald? Nothing Unless, on the other hand On the other hand, what? Is it possible that Mr Phinn might welcome their publication? Why? Why do you say that? Why the Devil should he? If he knew that they would clear his son's name Have you spoken to Occy? Just Gerald, shut up! But, Mama, he can't have done, otherwise Occy can't have said anything, otherwise why would Alleyn be here, asking us now? Gerald, you complete and utter ninny! What? You blithering idiot! You haven't got the brains you were born with Private matters? If only one of them, just one of them, would come clean But, no, they dont want to let the side down, do they? The old guard in action Close ranks.
Stiff upper lips - Blood, sir - What? Thicker than water.
Always was, always will be Mr Phinn Good afternoon, Chief Inspector I've got nothing to say to you I want to borrow something And there is nothing you could possibly say to me which I would be willing to hear Borrow? Chapter 17 of Sir Henry's memoirs Then you are doomed, alas, to disappointment If you dont mind, sir, please don't waste our time Without the express permission of her ladyship, the mammoth matriarch, the Lady Brobdingnagian, the Dowager Ton, without her blessing .
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my hands are tied Lady Lacklander I've come to confess No.
No, I beseech you Occy, it's taken me all my strength to get to this point Regarding the notorious chapter 17 No, you mustn't Mr Phinn, please I want to confirm .
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what you may already have guessed And I want to say .
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that my family is in Mr Phinn's debt Stop before you Stop interrupting Mr Phinn, please If I don't fall at the first fence, I shall be all right My husband, Roderick, was a traitor Before the War, things were .
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very different here Some people people from families like ours, they took a different view of Fascism An Anglo-German alliance against Communism? A fantasy, Lady Lacklander, indulged in by very few My husband was one such Oh, not in the pay of his Nazi masters, but morally and intellectually in their hands I see So, in 1938 .
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when the contents of a highly-damaging cable were leaked to Nazi agents By a decent young man Who was foolish enough to get drunk .
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and let the cable fall into their hands that it was his job to decode In order to hide his own treachery .
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Sir Henry put on a show of ambassadorial rage Yes Made such threats and accusations that the poor lad went out and shot himself? Yes My dear You needn't You shouldnt Occy, my husband killed your son.
I must At the time, I I thought his wretched unhappiness was due to the boy's death And the treachery Ludovic was such a nice young man He hero-worshipped my husband He couldn't stand it when Hal sent him off Why didnt you want Roderick to know the truth? Before Before he killed himself, Vicky wrote to his mother, assuring her of his innocence And begging us to do nothing to injure Sir Henry I've tried to keep that faith.
I've tried to do what he asked And I have no wish to let the Lacklanders suffer from my dear boy's death Occy Occy You make me feel more ashamed than I did before Mr Phinn? Chapter 17? If you dont mind, sir No, I dont mind Only you're too late Burnt to ashes The lengths these people will go to to protect each other Do you know, Brer, it makes me feel ashamed You did your bit, sir.
"Nudge one, you nudge them all", eh? I tell you something, I'll turn this valley upside down if I have to That sounds a bit revolutionary, sir I think we should leave off the politics and get back to good old-fashioned police work I dont know how long you think it will take us to get through all that We'll work all night, if we have to Just find scales from both fish on one set of clothing and we're home and dry What's biting him? Why all the fuss? The man was only killed last night - Some cases he likes - And some he doesnt Curtis! These three holes You dont suppose, by any chance? She seems like a nice woman Oh, the salt of the earth, sir Unlike some you could mention, eh? Yes, sir Some who take advantage of her good nature Always the way, isn't it? Those who take and those who give Like Mrs Cartarette Go on Yes, sir I know some round here would be quite happy to let her take the blame for what has happened Yes, I'm afraid you're right I can't see any of them weeping tears for her What the devil am I supposed to wear now? Sea boots and a parasol? Do you have a dressing gown, Commander? In the bedroom I'm telling you straight, Alleyn, you're on the wrong tack Point one.
I liked Cartarette Point two.
Do you think I'm a fool? Do you play golf, Commander? Sometimes Golf shoes, as well, please, Inspector! Point three If I had done him in, and the Lord only knows why I should, if there was any blood on any of that stuff, Do you think I'd still be wearing it? You say you liked Cartarette How many more times, damn it, yes, I did! - Were you also in love with his wife? - In love? Did you imagine, when you introduced them, theyd end up marrying? No, I damn well did not The poor little bitch She was lonely On her own for ages Had a rotten time Commander, last night, after Nurse Kettle had left, when you were supposed to be laid up with lumbago - Supposed to be? - You were, in fact, twanging away outside with your bow Thank you, Inspector Last night Colonel Cartarette was killed and there is a neat hole in the side of his head Yours, Commander? It's covered in blood It was It was one of Phinn's perishing cats It was an accident.
I didnt mean to do it I keep telling that half-hard, jumped-up, Never-come-down Phinn, I like moggies But he won't believe me.
What am I supposed to do? Put your dressing gown on, sir Deliberately placed against the bruised temple .
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and then sat on The spike was then wiped clean on the painting rag from Lady Lacklander's painting satchel See? Traces of blood Oh, and we found two different types of fish scale on it Now, was there anything on any of these? No.
Not so far Oh, and whose fingerprints do you suppose we found on the Colonel's desk drawer? - Mrs Cartarette's - Phinn's Sir Gerald Lacklander's "Stiffen the sinews.
Summon up the blood" Sir? "Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage" Despite his noble birth, Sir Gerald must be the most stupid man in England Well Well, Mrs Cartarette doesnt think so Given a helping hand, he might even propose to her I hope she's not counting on it I'm dammed if I like your tone.
What do you want? The truth.
When you went to Hammer Farm and broke open the desk drawer My God! He's deliberately insulting me now.
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You expected to find your father's memoirs What? No, no, no, no, I deny it You didnt break open the desk drawer? You've got hold of the wrong end of the stick I did it for the family, for For Mrs Cartarette She'd mislaid the key and er it was damned difficult You did it at Mrs Cartarette's request? What? Yes, yes Was she present at the time? No Sir Gerald, you were in a mucksweat and went to find chapter 17, weren't you? Your father's belated confession at betraying his own country and driving an innocent young man to suicide You're a vain man, Sir Gerald, with a fanatical sense of family prestige and you'll go to any lengths to preserve it Any lengths? It's absurd! You You don't You can't think that I Murdered Colonel Cartarette? But, my God, it's absurd, the very idea It's It's beyond belief I mean I mean, how? A blow to the head followed by a stab The stab was made by your mother's shooting stick and I will wager the blow came from a golf club Yes? What? Yes.
Hang on.
He's er here Thank you Alleyn Well, we've found two different types of fish scale on the seat of the punt - Alleyn, can you hear me? - Yes - Got someone with you? - Yes Right Well, now then, make what you can of the next bit, but, so far, we can't find any sign of both kinds of fish scale on any one person's clothing Or on their sports gear Damn Oh, Alleyn, there is something else At least they should make you sleep better Thanks You look as if you could do with a little something yourself Me? What is it? Man trouble? There's no need to look like the Virgin On The Rocks.
It does happen, you know To all of us When you get it in the neck from one of this lot But, Mrs Cartarette, you can't say that Can't I? I know he's got his little weakness, but he's a gentlemen.
You could help him get over it I happen to know he doesn't think of any other woman but you Who on earth are you talking about, Kettle? Why, Commander Syce That useless hulk! Mrs Cartarette! I lived with him once in Singapore, because it suited us both And when he came home and found out that I'd married Tommy Cartarette, did he lift a little finger to help me get on with the .
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useless dummies round here? No, he didnt Commander Syce means nothing to me, Kettle And I can assure you, I mean nothing to him Oh, but if you're keen on him yourself I never said any such thing You didnt need to, dear.
Don't worry, I won't stand in your way And if it all works out, lovey-dovey .
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and if you can get the county to call on you and treat you like a human being, well, good luck - Because I never have - If you mean the Lacklanders I do - I do - You don't understand How long was it, do you think, before the fat lady of Nunspardon could crack her face and give me a smile? The family goes back to before the Norman Conquest And what good are they? They don't do anything They've got no .
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no gaiety They've got no spirit And they are weak from inbreeding Do you know, Kettle, it was a hundred times better for me during the war and, here I am, dumped down in the middle of them and I'm supposed to feel grateful Say what you like Whatever has happened it's their own fault It seems the murderer stumbled Possibly during the tricky business of withdrawing the shooting stick from his head Oh, for Gods sake! At any rate, the sole of his shoe came down on the Colonel's catch A modest trout and made three distinct holes Conjecture - I assure you, Sir Gerald - Sheer conjecture Faced with this incriminating evidence, the murderer has a double inspiration Why not swap this trout for another? The Old 'Un and, at the same time Implicate poor Occy Phinn Exactly So far so good? Now, what to do with this damaged trout? It's at this point that Thomasina puts in an appearance Tom who? One of Occy's cats What's the blasted cat got to do with it? The murderer gives the fish to the cat To eat And uses your painting rag, Lady Lacklander, to clean up afterwards To clean up blood from the shooting stick And fish scales From two separate trout So, if you were to find the fish scales from both trout on any of our clothes, then What is all this? That would, indeed, have identified the murderer, but, unfortunately, none of the garments tested showed both sets You see? I told you.
Nobody we know would do a thing like this However .
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the holes in the smaller trout came from a spiked golf shoe Who are you accusing? Made by quite a decent bootmaker in the Burlington Arcade A ladies size 6, Lady Lacklander Gerald? Instead of bowing and scraping, why don't you, Kettle, for once in your life, take a good, long, hard look at your beloved Lacklanders And see them for what they really are I've no wish to do any such thing And you, Mrs Cartarette, you've got no right No? It was Sir Gerald, scared out of his wits, such as they are, who broke open Tommy's desk I dont believe you And you know why? Because the poor fool was terrified that Tommy was going to print something about the old man and blacken the escutcheon - I won't listen to this - Yes, you will Today, after all his pathetic fumbling .
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his schoolboy attempts to get me into his bed You're a wicked woman .
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he had the sheer nerve to give me the push - If poor Sir Gerald has been silly - Silly! And infatuated, it's you, you that led him on You trapped our dear Colonel and now you're setting your cap at Sir Gerald Well I know your sort, Mrs Cartarette Oh, let's face it, Kettle, you dont know anything You dont know the first thing about men How dare you! You think they're all plaster saints, do you? "Poor Sir Gerald" Shall I give you another shock? I think "poor Sir Gerald" murdered your poor dear Colonel No I will not listen to another word You're wicked, evil! Mrs Cartarette Well, Chief Inspector Don't you have any words of comfort for a grieving widow? I do have a question to put to you, yes Questions, questions.
Don't you do anything else but ask questions? When you were playing golf with Sir Gerald, you told me you were wearing an ordinary pair of black shoes Yes In fact, didnt he lend you his mother's golfing shoes? No The ones she couldnt wear herself because of her septic toe No No And did he also lend you his golf driver? Yes And you used it On your husband He was sitting there Drooling over his stupid fish Bald and shining His head was Like an egg, waiting to be cracked open Gerald taught me how to use the golf club And I used it.
Whack! And over he went And then you used a shooting stick? But I didnt need Gerald to teach me how to use that, Chief Inspector I knew what she wanted, all right And, of course .
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she could be quite amusing But I would never have dreamt of marrying her, Mama "Nudge one, you nudge them all"? If they hadn't been so keen to close ranks against outsiders, we might have got there sooner Do you know, Brer, I used to love this place Now I'm not so sure Money.
Land.
Position Must be a hard life We never had those problems in Peckham, sir Do you know what I'd like now? - What's that? - Fish and chips