Ally Mcbeal s02e02 Episode Script

I like a fresh bowl.
I understand.
- Are you enjoying yourself so far? - I am, actually.
It's a nice group.
John.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Are you drawn to me? Why would you ask that? Women have intuition about these things.
Plus, Richard told me.
I have certain rules about dating men I work with.
But I make them up as I go along.
It's official.
I hate her.
Did you tell Nelle Porter I was drawn to her? Yes.
Sorry.
Bygones.
Unacceptable! What I tell you, I have an expectation of privacy.
- I'm sorry.
Bygones squared.
- No! You know Harold Wick, shock jock of the airways? - He's vulgar.
- We're suing him.
Nelle's client.
Hot copy.
We've a chance to boost our profile and erode the First Amendment.
It's a case where principle coincides with profit.
I'm not taking time out just because I breached your trust.
We' re late for a staff meeting.
Off we go.
They Eat Horses, Don't They? - Wait.
This woman- - Her name is Ling.
- Ling.
She's the plant manager.
- Yes.
- Suing Wick, the guy on the radio? - Yes.
Does he have anything to do with this manufacturing plant? - No.
- Then how-? What am I missing? He contributes to sexually charged working environments.
Especially plants, dominated by male workers with the IQ of meat.
We' re suing a radio announcer for contributing to sexual harassment - at a steel plant? - Exactly.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you' re a good attorney but as a cause of action, that's ridiculous.
Great.
It's fun giving a cute guy a giggle as I do my business.
I could use another body on this.
Could you jump in? No! You have that motion to compel on Roberts.
- Ally will do it.
- What? John's in trial.
Georgia's second chair.
We all have work, let's go.
I'll get you the file.
Fine.
I'm looking for Nelle Porter.
Can you help me? - Her office is- - She wasn't in, thus my need for help.
Have I come to the wrong person? - You would be her closest friend? - I'm a client.
- Ling.
- Nelle.
- I'm very anxious.
- We'll get through it.
But facing him! Why did you switch firms? I dislike change.
It'll be fine.
- I'm very anxious.
I have to say- - It's just a deposition.
Relax.
Maybe it's just too much newness.
It was our anniversary, so I took her to a French restaurant.
- We ordered the chef's menu.
- Chef's menu? It's a set thing.
Vichy cold soup, foie gras Stuff you'd never order.
Do they tell you what you' re eating? It's more tasty in French, so we didn't ask.
A French fry is good, but a pomme frite We didn't ask them.
- But later you did press them.
- On the meat.
It was so good.
I had to know the cut.
And they told me.
- What was it? - Horse.
As in T rigger.
As in Secretariat.
They served me and my wife Mr.
Ed.
- What happened when they told you? - I became nauseous.
As did my wife.
Were there any other consequences for you and your wife? We suffered from insomnia and depression.
We' re animal lovers, horse lovers in particular.
The idea that we ate one, it repulsed us.
It still does.
I apologize.
One of my props went awry.
- I am so sorry.
- That's all right.
You're Harold Wick.
I'm Elaine Vassal.
I'm a huge fan.
Though I should say it quietly since my office is suing you.
- I see.
- We're here for the deposition.
It'll be in the conference room.
May I just say, on your show you talk about women as if they're all cheap.
My entire life, I've been cheap.
When I listened to your show, I realized I wasn't alone in the world.
I'm happy to have helped.
- You like horses? - Very much.
- Found them delicious? - I wouldn't eat them.
It's perverse.
- You eat cows? - That's different.
- Pigs? - Yes, but- - Roasted Cornish game hens? - I'm not a vegetarian or against meat.
But a horse is a noble beast.
- Ever go to the track? - I have.
Ever scream at a jockey to whip the noble beast? - Objection.
- I won't get into a cruelty debate.
We could treat dogs better than we do, but we'd never eat them.
- It should be the same for horses.
- Some people might like horsemeat.
Isn't it the individual's choice? Couldn't you just say "neigh"? That's real funny.
The point is, they didn't tell me.
If they had You would have ordered the cow.
You are aware of the male demographic makeup of your audience? I don't think in graphic terms.
Well, sometimes.
I suggest you answer the questions, Mr.
Wick.
I thought I did.
By the way, you didn't tell me your name.
- I think I did.
- Right.
You're Nelle.
I like that.
Sounds kind of naughty.
And you're Ling.
- And who's the spinner? - Hey! - Harold.
- Do you think this is a game? Of course it's a game! Just because you're a hot foreigner and hire two nubile lawyers you think I'm gonna give you my money? Well, okay.
What are you, Chinese? - Harold.
- Mr.
Wick.
They're lucky I took some Viagra.
- You're even more vile in person.
- Ling.
- I'm sure you're a nice person- - You won't intimidate us, Mr.
Wick.
I know that.
I can't even look at you without seeing a whip.
And you, I can't get a beat on.
I just know I'd like to take you home and make you my nasty little whore.
We're giving him what he wants by suing him.
This guy loves publicity.
- We're doing what Ling wants.
- We're not gonna win this.
Don't be so sure.
Nelle, what is a spinner? I think it means perky personality.
Where is she? I'm not comfortable around new people.
She'll be here.
When you resort to these sexual harassment lawsuits do you worry about coming off as a weak, vindictive, powerless imp? It runs so contrary to your personality which seems vicious.
Just making conversation till Nelle gets here.
If you knew what people say about me.
I bet I could guess.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
- What did I miss? - We' re just chewing the baby fat.
I don't like your firm.
The lawyers are crazy, and the singer bugs me.
Come on.
Let's go back up to the office.
- John? - Ally, hi.
- What was that? - What? Oh, that.
It's a demonstrative aid for my trial.
His name's Frawley.
I used to make cut-out dolls of bullies at school.
Frawley would kick them.
He's a good horse.
This case is upsetting you.
I've always thought we enjoy a special covenant with the horse.
" Carry us high as we ride into battle, and we won't eat you.
" - Should Georgia first chair? - No, I would've been fine.
But the plaintiff brought up Mr.
Ed.
Frawley and I used to watch that show- Why am I telling you? Because you can.
With me, it's the only time that you' re not the strangest person, so get weird on me.
I'm cross-examining this guy.
And in my head, I'm thinking what if Wilbur went into the barn one Thanksgiving and said, "We have no turkey, Ed.
I'm sorry.
" Today it could happen.
Oh, yeah.
November, sweeps.
- Do you remember the song? - Excuse me? A horse is a horse Of course of course And no one can talk To a horse of course That is of course Unless the horse is the famous Mr.
Ed Go right to the source And ask the horse He'll give you the answer That you endorse He always sets a steady course Talk to Mr.
Ed I am Mr.
Ed - Why does she sue you? - Why does she sue me? Listen up, America! Anyone today with enough money to afford a lawyer can buy some fame.
I bet she'll get it.
Especially since she has that slutty little Asian thing going.
American men love that.
Don't we, guys? Listen, numbnuts.
Listen up, America- I must say, he's a little bit right.
That American men like slutty Asian women? She'll probably end up on the cover of Time.
It'll sell better than some doctor curing cancer.
- You should see the way she dresses.
- Who? Ling.
It's like, " Look at my body now! " - "Just don't talk about it.
" - Yes.
The men at the courthouse clerks, lawyers and some judges, they talk about your short skirts.
They do? - Isn't that why you wear them? - No! I wish they talked about my legs.
- They do, don't they? - Oh, yeah.
It's low fat and high protein.
It's better for you than Angus beef.
- But, Mr.
Handy, a horse? - You know what? In Hindu, they'd have something to say about us eating cows.
But this is the U.
S.
A.
There're many slaughterhouses here with horsemeat.
In Japan, they eat them raw, like sashimi.
Our equestrian friends don't deserve better than to be offered- - Of course they do.
So does the pig.
- You sound annoyed.
This animal is revered in our country.
What if Elizabeth T aylor ate her horse in National Velvet? Are you sure she didn't? It would be a mistake to insult Elizabeth T aylor in my courtroom.
I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I'm on trial here.
I'm using my money to defend against a suit based on hypocrisy.
That man isn't sick.
There's no injury.
We're here because of a notion that it's unconscionable to eat a horse.
- And to you, it's just perfectly okay? - We kill them for pet food or paint thinner.
What's that do for their nobility? For pet food or paint thinner, they can be euthanized.
But for human consumption, it has to be drug free.
Which means slaughter.
If cruelty is the issue, that brings us back to the cow and the pig.
You don't seem to be too sympathetic on this at all.
If people don't want to eat it, they shouldn't order it.
But I shouldn't be hauled into a courtroom for serving it.
It's preposterous.
Forget free speech and censorship.
The idea that a radio personality can be sued for sexual harassment by someone he's never met- I must say, Ms.
Porter, your client does not work for Harold Wick.
This man has no connection with the steel plant.
How does he contribute to any discrimination that goes on there? T obacco companies had no duty to people who didn't use their products.
Until it was determined that non-smokers were also being hurt.
Our theory is the same as secondhand smoke.
His material is finding its way into the workplace.
Secondhand smoke? We go after car companies for polluting the air.
This man is syndicated on over 300 stations.
He talks daily about women's body parts saying God made females to be sex slaves.
We call it free speech.
The courts clamp down on it when it causes oppression and discrimination.
This stretches the scope of sexual harassment to absurdity.
I'm not so sure.
You can sue an employer for playing Mr.
Wick's broadcasts at work.
It's not a question.
We're saying in our complaint: Even though these broadcasts aren't played at my client's steel plant this man is so pervasive and popular what he says comes in just the same.
So the court should legislate the content of radio programs? Nope.
He should be able to say whatever he wants.
But if it results in discrimination or a hostile work environment, he should be held accountable.
How would you prove that what he says on the radio affects what the men think and say at that plant? Maybe I couldn't.
But that's a question for the jury.
Not the judge.
- What's wrong? - Nelle.
- Don't tell me she's good.
- She's great.
She's poised.
She doesn't pull at her hair.
Nothing comes out of her mouth that she doesn't want.
She doesn't over gesticulate.
She made an implausible cause seem totally believable.
- That bitch.
- The judge didn't throw it out? He took it under advisement.
- We might even win.
- Oh, Ally, I'm so sorry.
Harold! Harold! How do you think it went in there today? Well, listen, truth be told, I don't really know what was said in there.
The other attorney did most of the talking and she was just so yummy.
All I wanted to do was bite her.
Part of me wants to sleep with him.
Because I know if I did, I'd kill him.
Ouch! Where's Nelle? She says she'll meet me, I always get stuck with you.
T errible, I know.
What's that on your neck? Oh.
Chinese wattle.
Ouch.
Bygones.
You're a man without any nice qualities.
With a funny name: Fish.
Sticks and stones, Ling.
- You know what I first thought of you? - What? Nothing.
You made no impression at all.
When this case is over, I promise I'll take my business elsewhere.
No, you won't.
I can tell.
- What are you doing? - I'm just working on my closing.
It's a first draft, and I get a better feel with bare feet.
Have you ever had horsemeat? Thanks, but I've already had dinner.
Maybe another time.
Fine.
I'm free Thursday night.
Thursday.
That would be good.
Good.
Ready? - Still working on your first draft? - I may need you to close.
I haven't questioned a witness.
The jury doesn't know me.
You've been in court.
You can't drop this in the last second- I can't do this.
I'm not invested.
Wait a second.
You've defended criminals.
Murderers, even.
You can't defend a restaurant that serves horsemeat? I know it sounds silly.
But it is as if I hear voices.
And they' re telling me not to do this.
- What kind of voices? - I would rather not say.
The law is completely on your side.
It would be conspicuous for you not to get up.
It could even be malpractice.
Come on.
We gotta go.
Is it Frawley? - Excuse me? - Is Frawley telling you not to do it? Frawley's not even speaking to me.
Then who? What voices? I'm afraid if I tell you, I would be again "strangest one in the room.
" Here she is.
Ally, I have Nelle and vicious Ling.
They say the judge is coming back with a ruling.
All rise.
- Nice turn out.
- Be seated.
It's heartening to see people take such an interest in our Constitution.
The sexual harassment claim is dismissed.
I find it untenable that a radio talk show host could be held liable for employmental discrimination at a place where he doesn't work.
However, the complaint also alleges negligent infliction of emotional distress.
That one is tricky.
Free speech is not always protected.
If it is foreseeable that some product you put out there is capable of causing harm liability is close by.
Lawsuits have been brought against Hollywood movies.
The talk show It's likely next.
- This is the most slippery of slopes- - No question.
And a jury is free to say we value free speech over the possible harm it causes.
But let's face it.
Mr.
Wick isn't throwing out ideas and political content.
For the most part, it's gratuitous, titillating radio sex talk aimed for the young at mind.
It demeans women systemically.
I know that nine out of 10 judges might dismiss this claim.
Unfortunately, Mr.
Wick, you got me.
Motion to dismiss, denied.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, Ally.
- I didn't do anything.
- You did.
You dressed up, baiting him into calling you a spinner.
- It worked.
Genius! - I'm glad to do my part.
The ruling sent shock waves through all media circles.
What kind of precedent does this set? Is Rush Limbaugh next? Keep in mind that this is just one state court ruling and it'll be appealed.
Anyone suing Rush Limbaugh would be hard pressed to prove that people - Say the name.
Cage and Fish.
- Reporting live from outside - the law offices of Cage and Fish.
- Y es! Good report! Ling, congratulations.
I don't have the words.
Yes.
- So, what do we do now? - We dismiss.
- What? - We wanted to get him.
- We get him best by getting out ahead.
- I want money! - Me too.
- They'll never settle.
They can't.
And on appeal, we'll lose.
Our case is an end around the First Amendment.
- Why give up? - Our goal was to get even.
In victory, we have credibility.
Now we make the First Amendment our best friend in life.
- What are you talking about? - I need to draft a statement.
Don't leave me alone with him.
Alone again.
You and me.
You probably feel special.
Ling, anyone with you is alone.
Decent people don't eat horses.
You can talk about the cows and the pigs and the hypocrisy.
Why should horses be different? But they are different.
They are companion animals, and they are different.
If you ever stood up close to a horse, it's a proud animal.
It's an animal seemingly with a capacity for integrity.
With a capacity for not only serving mankind, but oddly wanting to.
And there's a dignity about them.
A dignity.
We should at least honor that in the end.
This case isn't about horses, it's about people.
This person here is suing this person over here.
It's people.
And people eat animals.
The Constitution doesn't start off, "We the horses " Animals don't get rights.
We're not expected to rise to some level of decency when it comes to livestock.
We' re not expected to have feelings for them and why should we? They taste good.
This thing about decency, you have to stop it.
Because next, they'll go after the hamburger.
If you attack horsemeat on grounds of decency I promise you the hamburger will be next.
It's unavoidable.
If you've ever been in a slaughterhouse and seen what happens to cows you'd know that "decency" would spell the end of an American institution.
The sausage would be next, and then the chicken wing.
"We the people" eat animals, and we're not decent about it.
My client, he's human.
He's also American.
In this country, we have another credo which is innate to us all.
As long as folks keep consuming it, don't blame the guy who serves it up.
Plaintiff's counsel says we should allow the horse to keep his dignity in the end.
We're human beings.
This is glue.
We're grateful to the court for the validation and to the public for its support.
I've decided to dismiss this claim.
You'll have to forgive me for not going into detail.
It appears that certain physical or psychological dysfunctions may be the root of Mr.
Wick's compulsion to fixate on sexual content.
I feel it would be wrong for me to exploit any of his medical inadequacies or conditions.
In light of this new information I bear no ill will towards Mr.
Wick.
And I wish him well.
That's all.
The suit has been dismissed.
Is he impotent? Is that it? I'm not going to parse the statement.
Using the dirtiest pool, you look like you took the high road.
It's a treat to watch you.
That was worthy of an earthworm.
- Thanks.
- But we don't know that he's impotent.
- So? - So.
What if he sues us? His career is predicated by his erection.
- We didn't say he was impotent.
- You implied it.
He talked about taking Viagra with ibuprofen.
- That was a joke.
- Depends on how you interpret it.
If we made a mistake, oopsie.
He's a public figure.
He can't get us for being negligent.
He's got to prove reckless disregard for the truth, he can't.
I told you, the First Amendment's our buddy.
Dirty, ugly, I could kiss you and almost you.
But you won't.
You know what? I think what you did stinks.
It was dishonest.
- You too, pretending to be a- - I'm not a spinner! Bite my head off.
I still hate this firm.
Come on.
Let's go to the bar.
Let's celebrate.
Oh, Ally, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? - You knocked me into the toilet.
- I was practicing my dismount.
- You're going to kill someone one day.
- I'm sorry.
- Look at me.
- Oh.
I was thinking how this place is going down the toilet, and boom! I'm going down too.
What? We're going down the toilet? Are you really gonna date her? I committed to Thursday.
- And you know- - You're drawn to her.
I never meant to date her.
One minute I was practicing my summation, next- - You don't like her? - I don't know.
It's I'm worried about this place becoming something different.
Ally, I have news.
The producer of the Harold Wick Show just called.
Well, is he suing? No.
He's inviting you to be a guest on his show tomorrow.
- I beg your pardon? - He wants you.
Probably to engage you in some cheap sex talk.
Do you say yes? Or should I ask Nelle? You tell him I'll do it.
You will? Yeah.
Sure.
I'll do it.
You could get creamed.
You only die once.
- Isn't this just radio? - It goes out on cable too now.
Want some water? Soda? - I'm fine.
- We'll start in about 10 minutes.
Does he come down at the last second and plop down? He doesn't like the guests to get comfortable.
What a shock.
- She's doing what? - Harold Wick.
Now.
- Why? - I've always wanted to.
My wit is more suitable.
It doesn't make sense.
This is an endorsement.
If we keep talking, we'll miss it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your closing turned out to be good.
- Thank you.
The spirit of it, however I'm not sure it was in our client's interest.
- I'm not billing for my spirit.
- I hope we win.
That summation could give him grounds for a new trial.
Then that would've been clever of me, wouldn't it? Three, two, one.
We're on.
I've been sued.
Everybody knows I've been sued.
But what everybody doesn't know is how sexy and trashy looking all of the lawyers are.
We're really lucky to have Ally McBeal here for everybody to see.
- Hi, Ally.
- Good morning.
McBeal.
I'm thinking that growing up, you were some Cub Scout's happy meal.
- No.
- It beats having a Brownie.
Let's talk about the case for a minute.
Firstly is there any way I could see you naked? I don't think so, Harold.
I thought you'd say that.
You have this phenomenal, tight little body.
- You know that.
- I do.
- You work on it? - I do.
At court I was looking at you and Nelle.
Nelle's naughty, isn't she? - I don't know.
- Come on.
Come on.
I was looking at you two and I was thinking, have the two of you ever - together? - No.
We' re just business associates.
With that tight body of yours and Nelle's nasty little- Anyway, let's not go there.
Let's talk law, okay? A single lawyer beautiful, makes lots of money.
You can get laid anytime you want.
Pretty much.
Tell me about this press conference last night.
- Why is she doing this? - You've known her the longest.
This isn't Ally.
Many people want to know about this sexual inadequacy thing.
Did you talk to my ex-wife? - Yeah.
No, no.
- I thought so.
Come on.
Come on.
My ex-wife used to say that having sex with me was like being vaccinated.
That hurts, because I thought it was a great 3 seconds.
Then you guys hold a press conference.
The three of us were trying to turn you on and you never made a move.
We were hurt.
- Oh, please.
- I don't understand this at all.
Let's talk about those skirts you wear.
What's that about? Men are constantly trying to mentally undress me.
I'm just trying to save them time.
Baby, come on over here and meet the big guy.
I- Oh, no, no.
Thanks, anyway Jury's back.
Let's gallop.
Sorry.
- The jury has reached its verdict? - We have.
What say you? In the matter of Daley versus Paul's Bistro on the count of negligent infliction of emotional distress we find in favor of the defendant.
The jury's dismissed.
Thank you for your service.
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say thank you.
Sometimes sentiment is just that, Mr.
Handy.
And sometimes not.
But a kook is always a kook.
Come on.
And we' re clear.
Good job.
You were great.
- Thanks.
- You were fabulous, actually.
I was surprised you agreed to come on.
Me too, really.
- Why did you come on? - Is anything off the record with you? My public persona is my livelihood.
Ally, what I do is not who I am.
I came I don't always like what you do.
But it's in the form of entertainment.
What we did at the press conference, below the belt.
My coming on the show, maybe it took the air out of our show last night.
Anyway, it was an experience.
- Ally, you' re a great lady.
- Go easy on us? Never.
The point was to make him suffer, and she goes on his show charming.
- She was nice.
- Some people can't help being nice.
- You know how it is.
- No one knew she was going to- I had a sick feeling about this law firm from the start.
I won't pay.
There she is.
Little Judas.
How can you suds away everything we tried to-? What we did last night was disgusting.
Sorry.
T echnically I didn't betray any confidences or undermine our client's case.
And hey, I extended the firm's 15 minutes.
You gotta love that.
Go to hell! - That was hurtful.
- John, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Your concerns that this place might become something different I share them.
You do? But as long as we have you, I know we'll keep what we have.
That might be the best thing anyone's ever said to me.
In which case, I'll leave on that note.
They're for you.
And nobody died.
What? I peeked at the card.
"T o one classy broad.
Love, Harold.
" Perhaps we have a new suitor.
- Hey, guys.
- A star is born.
- Thank you.
- Ally, in a million years- I know.
I don't know what came over me.
You know what? It didn't hurt.
- What's going on over there? - I don't know but it scares me.
You can dance.
I wouldn't have guessed.
I'm an enigma.
Yes, you are.
- You can't deny you're having fun.
- Yes, I can.
You stinker! SDl Media Group