American Auto (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Ukraine pleaded for more
military aid and vehicles,
saying, "We are desperate,"
but when Katherine Hastings offered
to ship them a thousand Payne Hydras,
Zelenskyy replied, "Not that desperate."
I'm not laughing at the joke.
It's just Zelenskyy's
a funny-sounding name.
- I didn't even do that.
- Yeah, it's like
they just say stuff to be funny.
Can you guys set this straight?
You want me to release
a statement saying
we aren't trying to aid Ukraine?
The fire is out,
no one got hurt by the pawls,
but Preppy McChipmunk won't
get his hand out of my skirt.
It's not just Seth.
It's Fallon, it's Kimmel,
"The View," "The Talk."
John Oliver did a full
20-minute segment on you on Sunday.
Let me guess, it was smug and reductive.
It was, actually.
You know what, I should
have just taken the payout.
I could be on a beach right now
with my husband, but no.
Instead, we're fighting all the time,
and everyone hates me, and all because
I had to risk everything just
- to save your jobs.
- "Save your jobs"
- We remember.
- So selfless.
Katherine, this just came for you.
- For me?
- Mm-hmm.
It looks like someone doesn't hate you.
Uh, we we scan for mail bombs, right?
Mm-hmm. They got two dogs now.
You want Sadie and me to work
on some image rehab ideas or
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, look, I'm not some,
like, insecure little girl
who needs everybody to like me.
It's just, I can't
be an effective leader
if I'm a national joke.
Ew, what is this packing material?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
That's a pube! That's a pube!
That's a box of pubes!
That's a box of pubes!
The AC's sucking 'em up.
They're airborne.
Whatever happened
to just sending anthrax
when you hated someone?
When did that go out of style?
Isn't a box full of pubes better
than a box full of anthrax?
I honestly don't know.
They're sweeping up all the evidence.
We should be sending these pubes
- to the lab and catching this guy.
- Or girl.
Jack, come on.
Girls don't even have pubes anymore,
and if they did,
not these kind of pubes.
Just from looking at it,
seemed like it came
from multiple people.
They say those little hairs really got
hooked into your carpet fiber,
so they gotta dig 'em out.
Listen, Ian says that I have
to use social media more
so people see my human side.
What what do you think of this tweet?
"Today's a great day to buy a car
from your local Payne Motor dealership."
"Hashtag car."
You don't spell the hashtag.
God, I hate this stuff.
I spent an hour trying
to write a funny tweet
about why the Flintstones
carried their cars
when they were just running.
But when you break down that show,
that's just one of the things
that doesn't make sense.
But you know,
you don't have to be funny.
You just have to be real and authentic
and true to who you are.
- I love that.
- Mm-hmm.
Great. Um, great.
So why don't you be authentic
and real and all that for me?
You want me to pretend to be you?
Yeah, well, I mean, just to tweet.
You don't have to wear a skin suit
and [BLEEP] my husband.
All right, username is
- "Katherine Hastings."
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, what if we make her the victim
- Right.
- Rough her up a little bit,
make it seem like
an angry customer attacked her?
So you want to Tonya Harding her?
Yes. That's a good way
of putting it, yes.
What if we put out a video
of her apologizing,
like, in her house with her family?
People see her as, like,
a wife and a mother
who's truly sorry for what happened.
Mm, so it would be like, um
"I'm so sorry."
"Please love me
and stop sending me your pubic hairs."
Yeah, s so no video. Mm-kay.
She has you tweeting for her?
Yeah, she was having trouble coming up
with something personal and authentic.
Yeah, robots do have a tough
time simulating human emotion,
but the technology's
improving every day, so
Okay, so which one should I post?
Mm, God, I'd love
to keep figuring this out,
but sadly we've arrived at my office,
- and I'm sure you have work
- It's okay, I got time.
Would you think she would
post Taylor Swift,
or you think she'd wanna
quote that "Lean In" lady?
Is that more her jam?
Taylor Swift.
Ooh, another idea would be having you do
a tree-planting campaign.
Mm. Nature stuff's so played out.
- What else?
- Okay. Uh, ooh.
We think we could get you
on "Dancing with the Stars."
Guys, I am not
Jake from State Farm, okay?
I'm looking for ideas that are
simple and timeless and real.
What about an apology video?
- Apology video?
- Yeah, hear me out.
You at home being sincere
with your family
talking about how bad you feel,
leaning into the image
of you as a mother.
What do you think, Sadie?
What do I think of an apology video?
- Yeah.
- That's a great question.
Um maybe I said
It doesn't matter who thought of that,
'cause we were brainstorming.
Yeah, maybe that's a good maybe.
Maybe we should just
switch you to a simple
thumbs-up or thumbs-down system.
- Nice work, Ian.
- Thank you.
Okay, well, what about this?
What about if I write,
"Why do we stop chewing
grape gum when we get older?
Grape gum is fire."
And then I put the fire emoji.
Not sure you want to reference fire
after the literal fire we caused.
See, that's good. See?
See, that's why you here,
'cause you smart.
Okay, how about "@TacoBell,
bring back those waffle tacos,
you cowards. #livemás"?
It all sounds good.
I appreciate I appreciate it.
- All right, yeah.
- Sorry, what are
Come on in. Come on in. No. Thank you.
I'm sorry.
There's so much stuff going on,
and I don't have an office.
I hope this is okay.
Uh yeah, sure.
Mm-kay. Yeah.
I actually I wanted
to talk to you about something.
- Go for it.
- It's not a big deal,
but, um, when I suggested
that we do that video,
you were I thought
that you were against it.
But then, like,
you pitched it to Katherine
kind of like it was your idea,
and I'm sure that was just,
like, a misunderstanding.
No, it wasn't.
- What?
- Taking your idea.
I'm trying to take your job.
Do you want an M&M?
No, thank you.
No, they're they're my M&Ms.
What do you mean,
you're trying to take my job?
Okay, listen, don't judge,
but I realized for the price
of my L.A. condo,
here I could be like a land baron.
So I figure, get you fired,
take your job,
start looking at, uh, open houses.
What the [BLEEP]?
Hey, I said don't judge,
and you're judging.
Well, of course I'm, uh, judging you.
You're a psychopath.
Technically diagnosed as a cluster B,
Axis II narcissist
with psychopathic tendencies.
Usually I'm so good
at mimicking human emotion,
no one has any idea.
Wait, what?
Wait, what?
Anyway, hey, I gotta return a call.
Could you close the door
on your way out?
On my w
- Hey.
- This is my o
Andrew. Ian Osofsky.
Buddy, making a video for a client.
I could use your help. What do you got?
I mean, he just seems so normal.
I read that, like, 10%
of executives are psychopaths.
It's what makes them
such effective leaders.
Well, you can't just
sit back like some simp
and let him take your job, okay?
To beat a psycho,
you need to think like a psycho.
Blood.
"Helter Skelter."
Uh, Jack the Ripper.
- How does this help me?
- Shh.
Uh, Jeffrey Dahmer. Mark Cuban.
Daymond John. Lori Greiner.
These are just people from "Shark Tank."
- Right?
- Yeah.
The Payne fire is a tragedy
that never should have happened.
Okay, can we do something
about the girl?
She looks like someone disabled
her Instagram account.
Well, it's your video, bro.
Why are you being weird?
I'm being weird?
You're trying to get me fired.
I told you that is not personal.
It's a medical condition.
Would you be mad
at a blind man who can't see?
No, you would not.
I might be a psychopath,
but you're a not-nice person.
Damn it!
What are you doing?
We're trying to make Twitter accounts,
but I keep failing the CAPTCHA tests,
and I'm starting to question, like,
am I a robot?
It doesn't matter what I tweet, Cyrus.
Katherine's got no followers.
And no one's gonna follow her
unless other people retweet her.
But there's no one
to retweet her why?
'Cause she ain't got no followers.
Ah, so the fake accounts
follow Katherine
so it looks like she has buzz.
- Aha.
- Congrats.
You've launched a Russian troll farm.
I found all the traffic lights.
There are no more traffic lights.
Won't it look a little suspicious
that all of Katherine's
followers signed up for Twitter
on the same day,
followed no one but her,
and have no other interests?
You think a detective's
on this or something?
We're just trying to trick a few idiots.
If you want this to look
like they're real people,
you need to give them depth.
Okay? Slide over. Slide over.
Let a maestro do his maestro thing.
Okay.
Is a motorcycle a bike?
Do you see what I'm dealing with?
There is nothing more important
than the safety of your family.
And I say that not just as a CEO,
but as a mother
- Stepmother.
- A stepmother
Maddie, honey.
- Can we can we take ten?
- On a ten!
- Maddie
- Thank God.
- I swear to God.
- Richard, would you talk
- to your daughter?
- I can I can talk to her.
I'll talk to her.
I'm closer to her age.
Well, I'm better at this stuff.
Dude, why are you trying to be alone
with a teenage girl?
It's creepy.
I'll handle it.
Gosh, this is so basic.
Like, I knew it was gonna be lit,
but it's almost, like cheugy.
Thank you for speaking to me
in a lingo I can identify with.
I feel truly seen.
Sarcasm, yep.
Can you just be cool for five minutes
so that we can get out of here?
Like, that's all we want.
We just want to get this done
and leave.
Okay.
Let's just get this over with.
Right?
Same page. Up high.
Nope. I'm not gonna high-five you.
Hey.
Listen, do not listen to her.
I do not agree.
I think she's the one acting
like a spoiled [BLEEP].
She said that about me?
Yeah, in a group chat just a second ago.
But look, I tried
to defend you and said,
Sadie, it's not cool to call
a young girl a spoiled [BLEEP].
It's not right.
Hey, I worked it out with Maddie.
- Oh, Sadie, you're amazing.
- Good, thank you.
All right, everyone, let's roll.
We're back, everyone. Back in five.
- Now.
- Now! Ready now!
[BLEEP] everyone. I'm leaving.
Who's the [BLEEP] now, [BLEEP]?
Hey, Maddie.
Maddie, wait.
What did you say to her?
I present Matthew Rollins, Jr.
Matthew is a libertarian atheist
doing his engineering post-grad
at San Diego State.
Go Aztecs.
And he's a volunteer mountain rescuer.
He's also the guy that just asked,
"If you were an animated car
in that Pixar movie,
what car would you be?"
And got a reply from Payne Motors CEO,
Katherine Hastings.
And thus,
a conversation has begun.
Oh, and you know who loves to
comment on all things Disney?
Who? Give me a good name.
- Uh, Sasha.
- Who is she?
A single mother of two,
colorblindness survivor,
- and Minnie Mouse fanatic.
- I love it.
And there could be
a guy named, like, Boomer.
Yeah.
What were you saying? Sasha
- Sasha, yeah.
- Okay.
Single mother of two.
Nope. She's not at her mom's either.
She's 17, Richard.
She's probably at
an arcade or something.
You know, there's no arcades anymore.
Yeah, it's all oxycodone-fueled
sex parties, like "Euphoria."
Hey, look, I can have another
girl here in 30 minutes.
You wanna recast her daughter?
We never say it's her daughter.
If people assume
the girl sitting next to her
is her daughter,
then isn't that on them?
- I mean, that's true.
- Wait,
you're actually considering
replacing Maddie?
Well, as an option.
How fake can you be?
I mean, come on.
This is the most time
that you and I have spent together
- Okay, we don't need to
- In, like, maybe all year.
And it's in this house
that isn't our house.
- Richard
- And we're making some stupid
video about how real you are.
- I never said this would
- You you know what?
You like the fake house so much,
why don't you just live here,
'cause I'm done, and I'm
going back to our house
Our actual house.
Hey, look, I hope you don't
blame Sadie for this.
She did the best she could.
The safety of your family
means everything to me.
Does it?
Does it really?
I can't help thinking something feels
a little inauthentic about that apology.
Why is that? Oh, right.
It's because that's not her house.
It's a set where they shot
a T-Mobile commercial.
T-Mobile, not gonna lie,
that one kind of stings.
Okay, you know what,
I wanted to shoot it
- in a different location
- Actually, I think that
- you wanted to shoot there.
- I don't think it's really
- important who said what, Sadie.
- I'm gonna go vape
until I'm numb, and when I get back,
I need a new list of ideas,
ideally ones that don't make me
into a national embarrassment.
Okay?
Gavin Marvin Pendergrass.
- Ooh.
- He's erudite
- Ah.
- Sophisticated, super likable.
You know, he's an intellectual,
but he also owns a jet ski.
I should buy a jet ski.
Okay, I see your Gavin,
- and I raise you Kiana George.
- Who?
You see, she's a fierce Black woman
who loves sushi and cozy mysteries.
And she got IBS, but she don't
let that define her.
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
- What are you guys doing?
- Ooh,
working on your Twitter account.
It's not just an account anymore.
It's a whole Katherine Hastings
Cinematic Universe.
You wanna read some of these?
Uh, no. I get it.
Emojicons, eggplants. We're good.
- Okay.
- Carry on.
If I'm being honest,
the Katherine character
is becoming my least favorite.
Central characters are always boring.
She's just a giant piece
of flavorless meat
with no seasoning.
You're not pitching anything?
Nope, 'cause I know Katherine.
She'll wanna take a beat and reassess.
She doesn't wanna jump
into another bad decision.
- Hm.
- So what have we come up with?
You know what, I think it's
important at a time like this
to take a beat, you know, reassess.
We don't want to rush
into another bad decision
where it could blow up in our faces.
No. I hate just waiting.
This isn't the time
to sit around doing nothing,
like a condom in Nick Cannon's wallet.
I totally agree, and I've
been trying to tell him that.
We need to be proactive.
I thought maybe we could
get you on "Seth Meyers"
and just, like, show
that you're in on the joke.
Sit down with my biggest critic?
- That's, uh
- Stupid.
Ballsy. If people see us joking around
like old pals, I mean,
then it's okay to like me.
You know, I'm just I'm just
worried about, you know,
not seeming like a serious person.
And plus, it'd take months
to get booked on that show.
Well, I actually, uh
I got a slot on Thursday,
if you want.
Really? Book it.
Nice work, Sadie.
Oh, and book me really good
hair and makeup.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
So I hear we're both from New Hampshire.
Uh, well, we moved when I was six,
but I still got some Hampsha' in me.
All right, pop quiz:
the thing in the wall
you drink water from,
what's that called?
Oh, that's a
That's a "bubblah," yeah.
That's a bubbler, yeah,
we got some wicked good water in those.
We got wicked good watah.
It's going really well, huh?
It's fine.
We gotta head up to the, uh
To the White Mountains
The light's catching her great,
- hitting all the curves.
- Mm.
So Benny and Natasha,
they're tweeting snarky
comments at each other
about Trump, right,
going back and forth.
But if you put the politics aside,
they're not so different.
Ooh, what about
if later on down the line
we have them realize that,
and then they start a romance?
We should do that. Let's workshop it,
- 'cause it's important.
- Political, sexy
Y'all are wild.
- What?
- As of this morning,
Katherine has
over ten thousand followers.
- Right! Go us!
- It's catching on.
All right. But who is
your favorite character, Jack?
See, I bet it was TJ, right,
'cause TJ comes to play.
Right, TJ's an amalgam of characters
that I've experienced in my own life
TJ is cool, but I got to go
with Anita, man.
Ooh! She's one of mine.
I love Anita. That's me.
Well, actually,
we came up with her together
- I said nurse
- The stuff Anita says
- is so specific.
- Aww.
Girl, you need to be a writer.
Yeah, I honestly
couldn't even tell Anita was fake.
You couldn't tell
a motorcycle from a bike, Jack.
Next time we're back,
we're gonna take the beater,
we're gonna go for a packie run,
you know, I'll I'll bang a U-ie,
and then, uh, we'll go fishing
for some hornpout.
All right, that sounds like a plan.
We'll be right back with more
from Katherine Hastings after this.
I'm such a big fan, by the way.
Thank you.
All the jokes you've been
doing about me, they're so funny.
You know, they sting,
but you know, it's in a good way.
It's in a good way. I appreciate it.
I just think it's nice that
we can show people that we're
Um, look, uh, I don't like you.
I mean, you endangered people's lives.
And, uh, I didn't wanna
have you on the show tonight.
It's just that the network thought
you would be good ratings.
But don't pretend this is
some sort of showbiz rivalry,
because I hope you go to prison.
Huh.
So you've been having a tough month.
"Fortune" magazine named you
the "Most Hated CEO in America."
- I mean, that's gotta sting.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm just glad that
they named me at all, you know?
"The Journal" just calls me
"She Who Must Not Be Named."
You know, like, um, Voldemort.
Yeah, yeah, "Harry Potter."
Yeah, we get it.
Yike-sters. Why is she being so thirsty?
I don't know. Something's off.
Set fire to the Quidditch pitch.
Cringe city. I am so glad
I'm not the one
that suggested she do this.
Dori, what is Eliza gonna do
about that snake in her toilet?
Only Eliza knows the answer to that.
I let my characters tell me
what they wanna do.
I just write it down.
So Eliza wanted you
to tweet about her favorite
mixology bar,
even though she's a devout
Mormon that doesn't drink?
Seems inconsistent.
People are inconsistent, Cyrus.
Inconsistencies are what
give my characters depth.
Personally, I thought it added
a whole new dimension to her
I just think that you're so focused
on being funny and controversial
that you're sacrificing
rich character development
Cyrus, I have taken up
too much of your time.
Really, I have. And I know
you've got work to do.
Well, I'm taking my accounts with me.
Oh, no, what'll I ever do
without all the characters
you clearly stole from "Our Town"?
Yeah, you think I didn't notice?
That got intense fast.
Some people don't handle
other people's success well.
Well, Seth, um,
you've been going after me
pretty hard, um, lately.
So in fact, I snuck
into your writer's room,
um, and I, uh, grabbed some of the jokes
that you were going to be doing
about me tomorrow on the show.
Gosh, you know, I think it's
going really, really badly.
Hey, Hannibal Lector,
no one asked for your opinion.
Okay, you know, Hannibal's a problematic
character in our community.
They should have had one
of us play the role, but
Hollywood.
"According to a poll,
92% of Americans dislike
Katherine Hastings."
Oh.
"While the other 8% were run over
by their Hydras and couldn't
respond to the survey."
Oh.
- That one was harsh.
- Yeah.
You're gonna find another job.
I I can recommend you
to an escort service,
and I think you'd do great
while you're young and still,
you know, kind of pretty.
Lay off her, man.
Wesley, it's fine.
No, I I'm sick
of him coming after you.
This woman, this beautiful,
kind, classy woman,
she would crush as an escort.
- Okay, that's not
- No, it's it's true.
- You would, I swear to God.
- Wesley, don't help.
Don't help.
You'd be very good.
Thanks.
I'm cracking myself up.
Y'all, I made Katherine
a conspiracy nut.
- What?
- I have this character, Kyle,
who's a crazy QAnon guy,
and I was doing this whole run
about UFOs and, like,
Tom Hank's butthole and stuff.
And I realized I was
on Katherine's account.
- No.
- Wait, can't you just
- delete the tweets?
- Yeah, 'cause that's
how the Internet works.
You just delete stuff,
and no one ever digs it up again.
Well, what if we say she was hacked?
Right, that happens all the time.
Like, we could start posting a bunch
of racist, homophobic stuff.
Quick, Jack, get me some [BLEEP] pics.
You talking about from the Internet,
or you you talking about from me?
It's your call, baby.
There's some crazy stuff
on here though, yo, really.
"Payne reportedly considered
firing Hastings,"
"but Ford offered her a job
as a crash test dummy."
"I'm not saying she's dumb,
just that she's fake
and a lot of people want
to see her drive into a wall."
A lot here about how much
everyone hates me.
Don't feel like
there's a lot of variety.
Hey, I don't come to your workplace
and tell you how to cover up
defective cars.
Well, yeah,
a lot of, um A lot of these are
Are pretty real actually, yeah.
I mean, people hate me.
Try to pretend it doesn't bother me,
but it does.
Well, look, you know,
thanks for being a good sport.
Thank you for being here. Kath
Do you know that someone literally
sent me a box of pubes?
It was It was a big box,
like what a toaster would come in.
I mean, more
More pubes than really one
One person could make, unless
they were storing them up.
But you know what, I don't blame 'em.
I'd probably send me
a box of pubes, too.
I messed up, you know?
No apology video or or talk
show appearance can make up
for what I did, and you know,
I can't fix it.
But what I can do is promise
that it will never happen again.
Amen to that.
Katherine Hastings, everybody.
We'll be right back.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but that was actually pretty great.
You know what,
go [BLEEP] yourself, Seth.
Next time, I'm going on "Kimmel."
Can't blame you.
Did you see Seth's face?
I mean, I think he actually felt bad.
- Mm-hmm.
- And maybe
- a little in love with me.
- Mm.
I think anyone who sees that
is gonna love you.
And red America loves the QAnon tweets,
so you're hitting all the demos.
Wait, what QAnon tweets?
It's a long story.
You know, I knew you'd pull it off.
I kept saying, believe in Katherine
He's a liar.
- I don't lie.
- Yes, you do.
Yes, you do. You lie all the time.
He lies all the time. And he's trying
to steal Sadie's job
and take credit for her ideas.
And he's a psychopath. And he's a bully.
And he's mean. And I hate him.
Hey.
Okay. Well, I'm, um
I'm sorry that he was mean to you.
But, um, his job here is done,
so you really won't
have to see him anymore.
Oh.
Okay, oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
You know, now that I've
resolved this issue,
I guess Mary Poppins just moves on
to some more children
that need me to help them.
Okay? You feel better now?
- Uh-huh.
- Bye, Mary.
It's been a pleasure.
- How gross was that?
- Yeah.
"Katherine, Ian's being mean to Sadie."
I can handle my own problems, Wesley.
I hate a tattletale.
It's, like, just so hard
to respect a person
when they're being
a whiny little bitch, you know?
Totally. It's not a good look.