Animal Control (2023) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Yeah, so sloth's climbing up Wall Three,
one of our most popular climbs.
When did he start his ascent, last week?
Over here.
Up there.
We had a kid's birthday party yesterday.
I think the petting zoo guy
must have forgotten him.
Oh, did they use Heavy Petters?
We get a lot of calls. Real
sloppy with their head count.
Oh, little dude's on the move.
- [DINGS BELL]
- He's getting cocky.
Shred, strap me in.
Frank, let me flag this one more time.
Are you sure you don't want me to climb?
Shred, look at him.
I'm just worried about you
overdosing on cuteness
and losing all your faculties.
I got this.
Hurry, Frank! I think
he's losing his grip!
Mmhmm. The yelling helps.
Oh, [GRUNTS] yeah.
Hi, buddy. I'm Frank.
It's okay. Yeah, come on
over here nice and easy.
Oh, alright. Well, um
- He likes the clip, Frank.
- Oh, look. It's shiny.
Okay, okay. No, no, no, no, no!
- Ahhhhh!!!!!
- [THUD]
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
The phone and keys broke my fall.
[SQUAWKS]
[UPBEAT THEME MUSIC]
♪
♪
- What are you giggling at?
- Teresa.
She sent me a video of her
getting knocked over by a wave.
- She's very self-deprecating.
- Who's Teresa?
One of the women I'm texting with.
- One of the women?
- Yeah.
I joined a couple of those dating apps
and maybe it's 'cause I posted a
picture of me with a baby giraffe
but I'm getting a lot of messages.
I feel like it was just a week
ago you were so heartbroken
over Emily you couldn't finish
your French toast sticks.
I'm done wallowing, Frank.
I'm done with it.
Man was not put on this Earth to wallow.
Hey, if you had a dazzling
text rapport with someone,
would you be willing to
travel to Bainbridge Island?
It's a long way away,
I have to take a ferry,
but I think it makes a statement.
Well, it's a big opportunity
for her to meet
the most exhausting
person on the planet.
[EMILY] Precinct 22 adoption update:
we just found a home for the goat,
so that makes 68 pets this quarter.
Our kennels are officially empty.
- Alright.
- [EMILY] Congratulations.
How many did Templeton's
broke ass precinct have?
As of this morning, 75.
Wait, so we don't have a
chance at the ping pong table?
There's only two days left.
Why did you present this as a win?
Okay, well, we're second
in all of Seattle,
so we're going to get the pizza lunch.
But I don't want the pizza
lunch. I want the table.
Alright, well, it's not about winning,
it's about the animals' well-being.
Oh, you think the animals
want Templeton to win?
No, they want justice,
and justice is me winning that table.
I mean us, the collective me.
I just wanna play ping pong!
Okay, bye, Frank.
[OPERATOR] Thank you for contacting
US Citizenship and Immigration Services.
Your call will be answered
by the next available agent.
Yes, I know, because
you've told me 700 times.
[HUMMING]
- Don't. Don't you dare.
- Gotcha.
- I don't like this part.
- Stop.
Is that a French horn?
[DISPATCH] All units:
Police requesting back-up
at 146 Broadway.
It's a French horn. Truck 8 responding.
[OPERATOR] Thank you for contacting
US Citizenship and Immigration Services.
This is torture! I just
need a green card!
Why are you making this so difficult?
- [HUMMING]
- Don't.
Hey, Officers Flea and Tick.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God, you are so funny.
Those improv classes are
really paying off, Jimmy.
- What've we got?
- Hoarder died alone.
A lot of toasters.
- A lot of cats.
- How many cats?
I don't know, man. Like 400?
They wouldn't stay
still for a head count.
They're all gonna need homes.
You know what else needs a
home? That ping pong table.
- Up top, Shred.
- Yep.
Alright, let's go, guys.
[MEOWING]
Hi.
Ewww, this place freaks me out.
Yeah, I don't wanna toot my own horn,
but this is exactly what I thought
a hoarder's house would smell like.
Classic Frank boast.
No way to verify it.
Just breathe in.
- [YELPS]
- Don't do that!
Sorry. Who keeps a headless mannequin
- in a hallway, dude?
- What?
There are dozens of jars
of urine in the other room
and this gives you pause?
Guys, remember that
hoarding is a disease
according to this pamphlet I found
in a pile of pamphlets about hoarding.
- [YELPS]
- Don't!
- [PATEL LAUGHS]
- That is not cool!
- Dude.
- What?
Just 'cause an old lady died here
doesn't mean we can't have a little fun.
Can anyone else hear that music?
I can't tell whether it's real
or whether it's in my head.
I totally hear it.
'Cause it's music playing, guys.
- Hello?
- [CATS MEOWING]
Is anybody home?
[LAUGHS]
[KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING]
- Well, I hope you guys feel silly.
- [MEOWS]
What is it?! Is it undead?
Away demon! Off! Get it off!
I think we just added
to the urine smell.
Get it off!
Too bad she didn't hoard
cleaning products.
Sure, it's got a bit of
deferred maintenance,
every surface is sticky,
but it's got good bones.
A savvy investor could come
in here and make a killing.
Look at this. [KNOCKS]
That's original red oak.
Right.
Is that a working fireplace?
Ooh, I just got confirmation
from Bainbridge Island.
I'm now fully booked for the week.
Like, you gotta get on one
of these apps, Frank.
Dating apps are for losers.
I get heaps of action from those apps.
Dating apps are for losers
and illegal aliens.
- Oh, burn.
- Let's get these cats out of here
- and go win a ping pong table.
- [PATEL] Yeah, working!
Maybe I should invest.
I think you're changing the subject.
The subject was and always will
be ping pong. You changed it.
Yeah, but I've known
you a year and a half,
you've never been in a relationship,
I just think it's weird.
Look, I got ghosted by
the same woman twice.
And my dentist, also a woman,
she keeps rescheduling,
so I'm just gonna take the spring off.
Frank, you're not getting any younger.
And don't you wanna meet a nice lady
who can help you get
on and off the toilet?
Yeah, you know, one more comment
like that and I'm calling ICE.
I'm just saying you have to be careful,
because this situation could be you.
Lonely, tall man, dies
surrounded by his cats.
- Okay.
- I think it might already be too late.
[MEOWING]
My legs are so well-defined
they think it's a scratching post.
Sure.
Alright everybody, listen up.
We have been given a
gift with these cats.
A screeching, clawing
gift from the gods.
What is going on with these phones?
Immigration.
That is a French horn, right?
What's your excuse?
Bainbridge Island fell out
and I have to fill her slot.
Let me rephrase that.
Frank, is now a good
time to speak to you
about an investment opportunity?
- No.
- Because I am on Zillow right now,
excellent school district,
it practically sells itself
to a young family,
not to mention a peekaboo
view of the Space Needle.
I wouldn't even go in on
a bag of M&M's with you,
let alone a hoarder's house.
We need to focus.
There is a ping pong table at stake.
Sure, I could just buy one,
but it's not about that.
It's about beating Templeton.
So we have until end of business Friday
to get this product out the door.
Okay, Frank, just a reminder
they're neglected cats,
not product, and it's, you
know, less about speed,
more about finding them
good, loving homes.
Totally. Three of them are siblings.
So we could probably put
those into one package
and that would leave us just ten units.
Officer Dudge approaching,
- should I deny entry?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- No, it's fine, Bettany.
Okay, not sure if you heard,
we unloaded the beagle
with the infected anal glands.
So next question:
deep dish or thin crust?
I'm not hungry now after hearing
about that beagle situation.
That ping pong table is gonna fit nicely
next to the Sno-Cone machine
we won last quarter,
and at some point, Emily,
this is about your leadership.
Or lack thereof.
Okay, you're not gonna make me
feel bad about this, Templeton.
I might.
And you're awfully quiet, Frank.
Don't worry, I'm screaming plenty
of things at you in my head.
There's that snark, that wry smile.
Alright, backhand, slice.
Bye.
- All clear.
- Okay, we're changing tactics.
We're gonna win.
I am so sick of that jerk just
always gunning for my job
and I need to wipe the smug
little smile off of his face.
I like petty, competitive Emily.
Yeah, she's sexy.
A little bit naughty, even.
And I'm not allowed to
say this stuff at work,
so maybe I'll get disciplined.
I'm really sorry about that,
I-I've switched birth control,
so I'm feeling a bit crazy.
Okay, we need a plan.
I think we all know what we have to do.
Oh, here we go.
- Any excuse.
- Love it.
- She loves it.
- Love it.
I'm sorry, what do we have to do?
We have to dress the cats up
and put pictures of them on our website.
And I should probably be in
charge of costume theme.
We're not doing the
Jane Austen thing again.
Why not? It was so cute.
The lizard in the bonnet
sat there for five months.
And two of those months it was dead.
- But it was cute.
- Okay,
I am gonna pull rank that I don't have.
Wild West theme, everybody.
Sheriffs, cowboys,
- maybe a little bordello.
- Yes!
- That is what we're doing.
- I love the wild west.
Yosemite Sam was always
my favorite Loony Toon.
Everybody knows that
Bugs Bunny was the best.
I'm not having this argument again.
- Pepe LePew?
- Cancelled.
- Always ignored.
- No. Okay.
I can work with Wild West,
I'm seeing lots of cotton bloomers
and bolo ties, so you two,
I need you on art supplies.
I need you two on
teeny-tiny cat costumes.
Okay. We need to make these
cats as adorable as possible
- as fast as possible.
- Yeah.
- Let's go, everybody. Let's go.
- Right now?
Claws become features.
The three-legged cat needs
to have a Civil War costume,
give him a back story. Let's go!
[PHONE BUZZING]
[SHRED] Bainbridge Island is back in!
Uh, don't use office hours
for trivial nonsense.
You're supposed to be
ordering tiny cowboy hats.
I don't know if I can trust her now.
I'm gonna double book a date
just so I have a back-up plan.
Shred, I don't wanna get
involved in your emotional life,
I've been consistent
and unwavering in that,
but you seem a little
nuts with the dating.
Oh, you and my mother.
That's what she thinks,
that I haven't processed
all my feelings for Emily.
Well, process this: boo hoo.
You know what? You and
your mom covered it.
I'm gonna tell you what I told her.
Don't clip my wings, Mom.
I'm flying into a world
of unknown romantic slash
sexual opportunities.
[DISPATCH] Truck 12. Business
owner reporting missing animal.
3247 Kinley Street.
Truck 12 responding,
Officer Shaw and his unhinged
passenger on their way.
[PATEL] Frank is a great guy.
I mean, if I had one
constructive criticism,
it would be that his
dreams, they're small.
Not like you and me.
Others see storm clouds,
we see an opportunity
to invent the umbrella. We get it.
I'm not investing in
no disgusting house.
And if it's so great,
why don't you just buy it?
Well, I've sunk a lot of liquidity
into children's piano lessons.
Oh, my gosh, I'm next in line.
This is very exciting.
I've been on hold for literally hours.
This is very unfortunate timing.
No!!!!
[FRANK] Oh, boy.
A psychic who can't find their own pet.
It's gonna be hard for me
to be my best self in there.
So my monkey, Nirvana,
she's the reincarnation of Kurt Cobain.
That's how she got her name.
Yeah, I put two and two together.
I got a little ESP of my own.
I know she's going to be okay
because I can see she's safe.
Wanna short cut this and
tell us where she is?
- It doesn't work like that.
- Of course not.
Hey. We'll alert the authorities.
Well, actually, it's actually us.
But don't worry,
we will find your monkey.
You have a kind aura.
- Thanks.
- Yours is more turbulent.
What gave it away? My overt hostility,
or that more than once I've
implied that you're a charlatan?
Hey, can I ask you something?
There's this girl on
Bainbridge Island
She's not worth it. Too far away.
Also, she's very indecisive.
Frank, she's good. Ask her something.
- No.
- Come on.
Are we gonna win the ping pong table?
Seriously? You can ask me anything.
I can see into the future or
communicate with the dead.
Fine. Reach out to my dead mother
and ask her if she thinks we're
gonna win the ping pong table.
You're at a crossroads in life.
I can only see one path clearly
and it's a path of great loneliness.
Have you considered a dating app?
Just admit you don't know who's
gonna win the ping pong table.
Ping pong is just a distraction.
Underneath you don't think there's
someone out there for you.
You've given up on love.
I just got a chill.
That chill is because strip mall
medium here can't afford heat.
And she lost an entire monkey.
- Alright, let's go.
- Thank you.
[FRANK] This bartender
looks like my uncle Jimmy.
Holy crap, I think it's working.
- Getting a lot of likes.
- Really?
Here we go. Okay. Some family
wants to adopt Billy the Kitten
- and the hairless call girl.
- [GASPS] Yes!
Still no takers on the hairy call girl.
[KNOCKING]
- Emily?
- Hey.
Can I help you? I mean, you've
been going non-stop all day.
Um, yeah, actually could you hand me
that tiny little hang man's noose
for our cattle wrestler here?
Wow, look at that. You've
got a real creative side.
Thanks.
Ever thought about working
on a bigger canvas?
No, I'm not investing
in your house, Patel.
- I'm taking an early lunch.
- Okay.
Agent.
Agent.
I'm saying agent!
Officer Dudge approaching.
This is pandering, whoring your pets.
- Emily's in her office.
- Okay.
This is pandering, whoring your pets.
I've already registered
my complaint online.
- Wait, are you catdignity99?
- Yes, I am.
'Cause someone has to speak
for those who have no voice.
Have you ever considered
a vow of silence
- in solidarity?
- Never.
Doesn't your supervisor ever
wonder where you are?
- Yeah.
- Oh, starting tomorrow
he will be able to find me
at our new ping pong table.
I don't know. I mean, you wouldn't
have come all this way
if you weren't a little
sweaty and nervous.
[COUGHS] You know I have
a diminished thyroid,
so that is workplace harassment.
I can't keep track of all
your shrinking body parts.
Why don't you make a complaint
to one of your cat forums?
Maybe I already did.
- Oh, you did?
- Yeah.
Oh, what did it say?
Meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,
- meow, meow, he was mean to me.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Hey, Shred.
- Hey, what's up?
Hey, yo, how come you haven't
asked me to invest yet?
Ah, you're a young kid, man.
You don't have that kind of extra dough.
I mean, you know I had a lot of sponsors
when I was a snowboarder, right?
Really?
Wait, so would you be
interested in investing?
Oh, I wish I could.
Of course you just build me
up just to cut me down, huh?
Dude, I don't have time for
side projects right now.
I'm dating non-stop.
Let me take you by after work,
you see the neighborhood
at night, no commitment.
Alright, yeah.
I'm always looking for ways
to expand my portfolio.
Yeah. That's it. Portfolio?
I'm not worried. We're leading by six
and closing time is fast approaching.
- [NOTIFICATION ALERT]
- Oh, boom.
Found a home for the labradoodle.
Well, I wouldn't get too confident
because boom, just found a home
for Fluffy Frontier Pharmacist.
[LAUGHING] That was a
picture of a cappuccino.
We will find a home for
Fluffy Frontier Pharmacists!
And all of the citizens of Cat Town.
Feels very desperate, people.
Very desperate.
That's an ace.
That's a slice.
[VICTORIA] Put a freaking
agent on the phone.
Bam!
[PATEL] Look at this.
Sycamore lined streets,
I mean, this place just
has all the intangibles.
Oof, there she is, right in
the middle of the block.
What're all those people doing there?
Is that an open house?
That's not in the MLS.
You think they're
doing a pocket listing?
Look at those beams.
Welcome, I'm Ben.
- Ah, you must be the listing agent.
- Hi.
Uh, no. I'm Audrey's son.
So help yourself to some food
and the rabbi will begin
prayers in a few minutes.
Oh.
There's been a huge misunderstanding.
I'm so sorry, we thought
this was an open house.
I am so sorry for your loss.
- That is just devastating.
- Yeah.
But in regards to the house,
have you guys come up
with an asking price?
Not that there's
that's not for today.
No, today is about your mother.
We're um, we're gonna
Wait. Don't go.
My mother didn't have many friends
and we need ten people for a minion.
[SINGING HEBREW PRAYER]
Please be seated.
[HEBREW PRAYER]
This house is great for entertaining.
Ten in the living room, no problem?
We come in low, but we come in fast.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello, Templeton.
Are you calling to concede?
I know you cheated.
We were up by three at 4:45.
That ping pong table
should be ours, Frank!
What can I tell ya?
An animal lover came in
right before the bell.
But you still got that
pizza lunch, right?
What is it, two medium
pies for 30 people?
That sounds like fun.
Enjoy the stampede.
I'm launching a formal investiga
Alright, guys, let's not get
too comfortable, okay?
This isn't permanent.
You're leaving when we
find you new homes.
Except for you, Doc Whiskers.
Obviously you're staying.
Because I love you,
and I've always loved you. I sure do.
Hey, what do you ladies
wanna watch, huh?
What's happening to me?
[BEEPING]
I can't talk, I'm on hold.
Mock me all you want, I need your help.
I need you to get me
on those dating apps.
- Aren't those for losers?
- Oh, absolutely.
And I am ready to join their ranks.
I'll be right there.
[MEOW]
I know.
I was so embarrassed, you know?
And then my mom came to
pick me up from school
with a brand new baseball glove.
Which she probably has in
the basement somewhere
along with every pair of
cleats I've ever owned.
[CHUCKLES]
She has a hard time
letting go of things.
Now I'm having a hard
time letting go of her.
Thank you, Ben. That was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Would anyone else like to share?
I would.
What?
Uh, being with all of you
has made me very aware
of how hard it is to
lose someone you love.
To know that you can never be together.
To know that your life
is forever changed.
To know that she's
with someone else now.
And the odds of finding
somebody with a radiant beauty
that likes dressing cats
in adorable outfits
is pretty much zero.
And I've been running from
my feelings for a while,
but the truth is I'm just
really, really sad.
I'm sad.
[SNIFFLES]
Thank you.
You save animals for a living.
I I don't understand
why you're fighting it.
I think most women would
find that very appealing.
There's so much more to me than that.
I'm a deep thinker.
I'm a graduate of the school of life.
Do you wanna add celibate to the list?
Look, it's very simple, Frank.
You are six foot four,
you don't have kids,
you save animals for a living.
It wouldn't hurt to mention
your shoe size, they look big.
Can you at least add that I'm a
bourbon and scotch enthusiast?
Yeah, sure. Drinks too much.
Why don't we just lead with that?
Alright, just say whatever you want.
But don't use the photo of
me and the baby giraffe.
Oh, it's good actually.
Yeah, my hair looked good that day.
Vain.
You alright? You got pretty
emotional in there.
Yeah. I mean, you probably already know,
but I'm having some
trouble getting over Emily.
Totally. Emily.
- Honestly, I did not know that.
- Really?
Yeah, you'd be surprised at
how self-centered I can be.
Oh. Well, yeah. I guess I thought
I was ready to start dating,
but I'm just not, man.
You'll get there, buddy.
Thanks.
- You know what might be nice?
- Hmm?
Just throw yourself into a project.
Something with incredible
upside potential.
You really are self-centered.
You have no idea.
But why do you want this
house so bad, anyway?
Well, Maya is in bed rest,
my kids are monsters,
I want something that's mine.
- I get that, man.
- Yeah.
I need something that's mine, too.
Let's do it.
Really?
Yeah, dude. Let's, like,
let's actually do it.
- Are you ?
- I'm serious.
- No, let's be, like, real estate tycoons.
- Yes!
- Yes! Let's run this town, baby!
- Yeah, dude!
[LAUGHING]
It'll be Wait.
Hey, whoa, in that tree,
is that a is that a monkey?
Okay, are you ready to
unleash your manhood
on the greater Seattle area?
What the hell app did
you sign me up for?
Too late, we're live.
I hope you meet someone great.
I don't have a very good track record.
No, neither do I.
But I'm a lot younger than you,
so I feel like I've got time.
[OPERATOR] Citizenship and
Immigration, what can I do for you?
Oh, my God!
No way! It's a real live actual person!
Hello. Sorry, um, I just
uh, I have questions
about, uh, the application process.
[OPERATOR] Hold on, let me
transfer you to that department.
Wait, no. Do not put me on hold
[GROWLS] I hate your country!
[OPERATOR] Hello, applications?
- That was really quick.
- Hello?
Hang on, I'm coming!
- [OPERATOR] Hello?
- Just wait.
Wait a hot minute,
I just have to find you.
- I'm coming. Do not hang up.
- [OPERATOR] Hello?
- Do not hang up! Do not hang up!
- [DIAL TONE]
[FRUSTRATED SCREAM]
Hey, I've already gotten two matches.
Ah, one's a cousin.
- Officer Taylor?
- I found your little friend.
That's not my monkey.
I knew this was going to happen.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I
present to you Lady Monkeyton.
[VICTORIA] She's totally
getting adopted.
[FRANK] She's so aristocratic.
It's hard to believe that
just five minutes ago
she was throwing her own feces.
Alright, who wants to play ping pong?
- [SHRED] I'll play ping pong.
- [FRANK] Let's go.
[VICTORIA] Yes.
Lady Monkeyton, you are the
most beautiful eligible monkey
in all of the land.
You might get a proposal soon.