Animals. (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 (theme music playing) Animals Animals (heart monitor beeping) - (beeps) - (coughs) (beeps) (coughing) (monitor beeping rapidly) - (beeping slows) - (people clamoring) - Phil: Oh, I'm just so excited.
- Meghan: I know.
Could you - Is it straight? - Yeah, move it up higher, though.
Okay.
Did I spell "birthday" right? - No.
- I was gonna write "bday," - 'cause that's much more manageable.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's once you get into that "irth" area - that it gets all wishywashy.
- Mm-hmm.
Phil, you really outdid yourself on these decorations.
- I didn't go to sleep last night.
- Really? Yeah, I took some Adderall and coke.
Well, it looks beautiful.
You know, I just want your boy, Miles, to be happy.
He's he's a good kid.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Where's the other kid? What's his name? - Oh, Jacob? - Josh? It's Jacob.
Hold on just a second.
Jacob! - (Jacob grunts) - (video game noises) Lois Griffin is hot.
Have you seen her tits? I don't care if she's not real.
- Fake tits are hot even if they're drawn.
- Meghan: Jacob! - Jacob! - (annoyed) What? Meghan: Did you put your brother's cake in the freezer? I put it in the freezer! (grunts) God! This kid is driving me crazy.
Oh, fuck you, Mustardboy5! What kind of move was that? You should never have come out of your mother's pussy, bitch.
- Meghan: Jacob! - (yelps) Oh, Jesus.
All that kid does is talk back to you and cum his sheets.
I swear to God.
All right, Phil, that's my child.
What? I wash my clothes here, too.
And I see those sheets in there.
It's disgusting.
Looks like a cow, 'cause it's black sheets.
He's got black sheets, and it's mostly white.
Miles: Dad, you're crazy! Put me down.
There they are? How's the game? Mike: Let me tell you.
Talk about a boys' day out.
Not only did the Carriers win, - Miles caught a foul ball - (laughs) and selflessly gave it to some sick kid in a wheelchair.
Phil: Aw.
Ew! Talent and heart.
That's our boy, Miles.
Really, thank you, Mother.
You're a sweet, kind woman, and I love you deeply.
(gasps) It's your birthday, (crying) and you're the one giving me presents.
And, Dad, you're giving me too much credit.
I'm just grateful I was able to spend the day with you in the park.
Oh, you can thank me later when you're superintendent of a large school district.
(chuckles) - Miles, baby! Happy birthday! - Hey, up top, up top! Here we go, here we go.
- One, two.
Kid 'n Play.
- (both sing) Yeah! Happy birthday, buddy! Uncle Phil, man, you crack me up, man.
Your spirit is contagious.
(cries) No one's ever said that to me before.
Well, aside from a sexual context, but nonetheless.
- You should see a doctor.
- Thank you, Miles.
I will.
Meghan: Jacob? You're still on your computer, and it's time to wish your brother a happy birthday.
- Okay, now we got all the facts.
- Meghan: Get in here.
Mike: Jacob, you have something to say to your brother? Uh, happy birthday, Miles.
- Phil: Boo! - Meghan: Hey, Phil.
Mike: Come on.
Thanks, big bro.
You know, I just wanna say something.
Out of all the older brothers that I could've had, I can't imagine one that I look up to more than Jacob.
Is he joking? Is he fucking doing a bit right now? - Just let it go.
- You're a natural leader, man.
- A hero.
- (muffled laughter) A brave spirit and a heart of gold.
Everything I hope to be one day.
I literally can't tell if he's joking or not.
That's a fucking good bit, dude.
- Miles, what a great speech.
- Very great speech.
Eloquent.
Cool, I guess.
Uh.
Eww.
Literally, when Jacob talks, it makes me gag, - 'cause he's got (groans) - I'm just saying cool speech.
Uh.
See, that last part, it's disgusting.
It's unnerving.
Well, I think it's time for some birthday cake.
Phil: Oh yeah, dude.
All right.
- Mike: Let's do it! - Meghan: Oh, I'm so excited.
- Mike: Let's eat that cake! - Oh, might I suggest we eat something else? Leftovers? Leftovers? I'll go get 'em.
Jacob, how many times did I ask you to put this in the freezer? You freaking piece of shit! - Mike: No, here we go.
Come on.
- Get over here! - I'll beat the shit out of the kid! - Come on.
No.
- Get your fucking wings off me! - Meghan: Calm down.
I'm gonna rip your head off! He's got a knife! I'm sure of it! - He did it on purpose.
- He did not He did it on purpose, 'cause I decorated the cake.
Jacob, please apologize to Miles.
Sorry about your cake.
It's okay, big bro.
I love you too.
- Fuck you, Jacob! - All right.
Hey.
I'm sorry, Miles.
Your perfect birthday is ruined.
Come on, come on.
Don't be silly.
In fact, we've celebrated me enough today.
All right, to be honest, what I'd love to do right now is go outside and give back to the community.
- (sighs) Miles, you are - So beautiful.
- an angel boy straight from heaven.
- That is something.
Big bro, what do you say? (groans) Again with the barf sound with this kid.
It's disgusting.
Here's the secret to picking up girls, Jacob.
I didn't even ask about girls.
You want a fresh fowl, you gotta put on, man.
It's in your confidence.
It's in the way you carry yourself, big bro.
Have a little swag.
You know what I'm saying? Okay, I'll do that when I care.
(groans) Stop that.
Come on, man.
You mumble.
Gotta be able to make out your words.
- Remember, enunciate.
- (groans) This sucks.
You know, when I won my second Rotary Club award, I thought, "What could I do more?" - Yeah, I get it.
You're so amazing.
- (continues speaking) You're so wonderful.
Congrats.
You're the brother everyone likes, and no one cares about me.
And you're so eloquent and amazing, and I just sit behind a computer like a big dork.
You're the best son, and I'm I'm a loser.
I get it.
I'm nothing.
You're everything.
You're better than me.
Every day is filled with the possibility of greatness.
Hey, Miles.
Hey, you see that penny over there - on the middle track? - Oh, look at that.
Hey, man, you know, Mom would love that for her bathroom.
Yeah, she really would.
Hey.
Say, why don't you go get it? You know, I recall Mom and Dad saying, "Don't cross the tracks.
" Yeah, that's why it's a dare.
It'll be a cool achievement.
Everyone will think you're very brave.
Are you not brave? - I mean - Jacob: I know, it is your middle name.
How unfair.
My middle name is Puss.
I don't know if I should go all the way out there.
I dare you.
I dare you to go get it.
(scoffs) Watch this.
(chuckles) (grunts) Almost there.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Miles: I am the bird You are the puppet, and I am the puppeteer.
(chuckles evilly) Hey, Jacob, it's pretty shiny! - (splats) - (train whistle toots) Oh fuck.
(Meghan wailing) Miles! - (sobs) - Mike: Shh, shh, shh, shh, - I know.
I know.
- Meghan: Why? - He was gonna change the world! - I know, sweetie.
He was better than any of us! Shh, shh, shh.
Here we go.
We are here today to remember Miles Luciano.
Every once in a while, someone comes into your life that you know is special, and that person is different for different people.
Except when it comes to Miles.
I think we can all agree that Miles was the most special person in each of our lives.
- He was fucking awesome.
- He was fucking awesome.
We're looking at you now, Jacob.
Yes, everyone look at Jacob now.
- Phil: Boo! What? - Mike: Come on.
It's time to step up and pick up the slack, - fill the void that's been left.
- Meghan: Miles! - (groans) - God is dead.
(sobs) Daddy, I gotta go potty.
Jacob, please say "bathroom.
" You're a young adult.
- Okay.
I gotta go bathroom.
- Okay, just go.
(sobs) Why? You really did it this time, Jacob.
You killed your little brother.
(groans) (sobs) - Goodbye.
(grunts) - (alarm ringing) Oh, uh, could we just please keep the door shut? - Trying to avoid a draft here.
- (Meghan wails) (alarm stops) I'll just wait around To hear the good news (pen scratching) To hear the good news Are you in (spits, thinking) I had to leave.
I had to run from my past.
And so, I walked.
Where? Hell if I knew.
Somewhere far, far from who I once was, from what I had done.
Who am I? I don't know who I am anymore I'm changing every day I'm spreading my wings and flying (man speaking on PA) Here it is, the moment of truth.
(groans) Oh, I should go potty first I mean, bathroom.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
(urine splashes) - (groans) That's good.
- (zips) Empty tank.
Perfect way to start a trip.
Whoa.
"Cum in here.
" All right.
(grunts) Oh.
Oh fuck.
(grunts) - (toilet beeps) - Oh no, no, no! Mommy! (water gurgling) Male voice: Wake up, boy.
Come on now.
Get up, boy.
Jacob.
Jacob.
Come to.
Here we go.
There you go, buddy.
Eww! Come on, man.
Are you serious? What? Where am I? There's no time to explain.
We have a very big date to get to, Jacob, that I personally cannot miss.
I don't know what's going on.
My name's Wild Capper.
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna kick things off for you and really get the gears going, okay? Let's start moving, buddy.
- (thunder crashes) - (gasps) What the shit is that? Come now, Jacob.
You're not prepared to face what's coming.
Hurry, boy.
Come on, follow me.
- All right, I'm coming.
Oh! - (thunder crashes) Natalie, Hi.
How are you, honey? I'm so sorry I'm late.
- What the fuck is this? - So sorry, baby.
Do not tell me you brought one of your missions with you.
- For fuck's sake, Anthony.
- He dropped into my lap.
You know what my work is.
- And your work is more important than me? - Nothing's been more import Oh, okay, nothing's ever been more important than me.
What about the mushroom person - you were sleeping with? - How many times do we have to go over this? Mushroom people have psychic powers.
I was under its little spell.
There's one now! Stop looking at me! You're not gonna do it! Fuck you, bitch! You're just pissed because mushroom people give the best blowjobs! - Look into my eyes! - I'm not doing it! Look into my eyes! I'm not gonna fall for it again! You hear me? Go back underground where you belong! That's fucking racist.
That is fucking racist! - Fuck you! - Okay, okay, what the shit is going on here? Who are you people? Am I dead? Jesus fucking Christ.
Here's the deal.
You're on a spirit quest Facing your demons, - overcoming obstacles, et cetera.
- Spirit quest? So, all you gotta do is just follow your heart and do your best.
Can you hear me, buddy? Am I coming through clear? - Uh - So cool.
Anyway, where did I leave off? Natalie, I'm just gonna say this.
I have not cum since you left me, out of respect to you.
Anthony, you need to move on, okay? You are obsessed.
Okay, I'm getting under the table.
Just step on my balls.
- Please, just step on my balls.
- You know what? I'm outta here.
- (rumbling, shattering) - All right.
Jacob, listen to me.
Find the best baker in the village.
- Best baker? - Buy a Key lime pie from him.
It will contain a key for a castle on the hill.
That's where you'll find your princess being held.
- Princess? - Go, Jacob, go.
Get the fuck outta here, Jacob! Go! What are you waiting for? - (whimpering) - (thunder crashes) Oh.
"Bakery.
" Okay.
Pretty straightforward.
Clear signage.
(bell jingles) Oh, a customer.
Hello.
(chuckles nervously) Hello, sir.
May I have a Key lime pie? Yeah.
Here you go, one Key lime pie.
Mmm.
(eating noisily) Oh.
What the shit? Where's the freaking key, man? The Wild Capper told me the best bakery in town would have a freaking key! The best baker? Me? Oh, no, no.
I'm the bad baker.
The good baker is next door.
- (fanfare plays) - (chattering) You came into what used to be the good baker, that was when my dad ran the place.
I tried to carry on his legacy, but I'm not doing a great job.
(laughs) I want to be a painter, actually.
What do you think of "Multiple Pieces of Fruit in a Bowl"? That's the title of this one.
Oh, I don't know.
Your hand's unsteady, and it lacks any real perspective.
Clearly you studied Cézanne too closely.
(stammers) Don't don't leave.
- Let go of my head.
- Look, I can give you the key.
- What? - Yeah, all-all bakers have the baker key.
Okay, just give me the key.
Well, you also have to pay for those pies.
I'm on a vision quest.
I didn't bring my wallet.
(sighs) Another kick in the pants.
All right, I'll give you a deal.
I need some documents notarized.
Bring 'em to the town accountants, Finkledoink and Feinstein, bring them back to me, and then you shall receive the key! (groans) I hate chores.
Hey, look, it's not easy to keep this bakery going, okay, - because I'm not my father.
- I'm already gone.
All right, on my way.
Hopefully nothing stops me.
(yelps) Whoa, a fox.
Hey there, little guy.
Oh, you want me to follow you? Oh, well, I would, but I'm currently on a mission to get some documents notarized, and I wanna be responsible in my fantasy world.
But your way looks pretty cool, too, huh? Hmm.
Which way should I go? Should I go to a cool path with this fox or to the accountants' office? Okay, I'll go to the accountants' office.
Good luck.
Bye! (can rolling rhythmically) (bottles clinking rhythmically) It ain't no stopping us Me and my group of foxes is Moving through this metropolis Rummaging through the garbages We went to war couple of years With the pigeon mafia They won all the park That we stuck behind the garageses A noble animal Purely born to be cannibal But rats as big as cats roll in packs This shit's just bananas, dude, dog off the leash I'm just moving through Brooklyn streets Hoping Sal throws some sausage out back Feel me, capisce? I'm moving gritty as sweat down fat stripper's titties I'm moving heavy as Biggie the year before he met Diddy - (grunting) - Gritty, gritty, gritty And heavy as Biggie I'm one of the foxes that's heavy as hippopotamus Asses and owl titties, whole alley up, now you bastards I overdose on molasses behind the diner 'Cause Chinatown ain't the place to be found Just ask them rats, bruh It's a disaster, like a dog without his master And over there by that church I seen their basket full of communion crackers That's if you're hungry or holy I'm going off all that ravioli - A full pimp, and you know me - Know, know, know, know But enough about the crumbs Let's go take back the park And make the pigeons missing like the bums when it get dark Enough about the crumbs, let's go take back the park And make the pigeons missing Like the bums when it get dark, leggo (music continues) Gee, sure sounds like that fox is having some fun.
Well, then this accountants' office must be a lot of fun.
Uh, hello? Am I in the right place? Hello, young man.
Come in! Come in.
Come, sit, sit, sit, sit.
Sit down.
Sit down.
My name is Finkledoink.
This is my cohort.
- Feinstein.
- We understand you're on a journey quest.
Let's not make a megillah out of a molehill.
You'd like to get some documents notarized.
Is that correct? Uh, yeah, but this just feels a little dated to me.
What? That's nonsense.
- Both: It's nonsense.
- Ya little boychick.
- Ya little faygala.
- Ya fershlugina.
Ya little schmutzig.
Ya got some schmutz on your face.
We're on a roll now, aren't we, Feinstein? (both vocalizing music) Oh no.
Is this my subconscious? Am I a racist? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I get the schtick.
- All right, all right.
Enough.
Enough already.
- Calm down.
All right, okay.
Calm down.
Jacob, my boy, we can notarize this for you.
- Okay, good.
- But first, we have a series of tasks, we'd like you to undergo.
Can you do that, my little boychick? - Sure, whatever.
- My bright and shining star.
Okay, initial here, Jacob.
Sign here.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- Right here.
Now, are you single? Are you married? - Currently looking.
- Okay, you can initial right here.
- You want to circle which one.
- Okay.
- Okay, you drew a square.
That's fine.
- All right.
I'm done.
- Well, hold on.
Let's look it over.
- Take a look.
- He initialed there.
- He signed there.
(accountants hawking) Wow.
This couldn't get more offensive.
- (clears throat) - Both: Notary! Well - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- (rumbling) (whimpers) Okay, guys, thanks again.
- It's another one! Quick! - Grab the money! - Finkledoink, quick! - Grab the jewelry.
(whimpers) - (grunts) - Baker: Jacob! Hey, I was just doing a little one-way bungee jumping.
(chuckles) - What? - I was gonna kill myself.
Oh shit, you got it notarized? Yeah, I did everything you asked.
Just give me the key.
I want to get out of here and get my princess.
You are very brave, Jacob, and so I shall bestow upon you the baker's key.
Hey, man, that's a cookie.
I need a real key.
That's the key you want.
That's it.
This is a fairytale land, so keys are cookies, underwear is edible, mushroom people give the best blowjobs.
It's a weird place.
Look at this noose.
It's just licorice.
(chuckles) This is not the first time I've tried this.
Jacob: Ooh! Nerds Rope.
I am going to hit the ground, and then just sadly eat an entire - licorice noose.
- See ya.
Buh-bye.
Ugh.
(grunts) You know, you can't kill yourself here, but the licorice is pretty good.
- (rain pattering) - (thunder crashes) Come on, you can do it, man.
(whimpering) Female (in ghostly voice): This way.
Princess? I can hear her! Princess: Over here.
It's making me stronger! I'm coming for you, baby! (grunting) (panting) What? No! No! Freaking baker! Fuck this shit.
I'm sick of running.
I'm freaking tired of it! - (thunder crashes) - You want a piece of me? I'm Jacob fucking Luciano, and I'll skull-fuck you! Come on, shitbag! Come on! - (angelic chorus) - (gasps) Miles: I told you you were brave, big bro.
Oh.
Miles.
Jacob, this journey was a lesson, a lesson about facing your past.
Okay, that makes sense.
See, the Capper, he was obsessed with his ex-wife, instead of realizing that perhaps their love had run its course.
The baker, he was so focused on carrying his father's legacy out, that he never pursued his own.
Finkledoink and Feinstein, while crazy offensive, are lessons in history, Oh, thank God.
They served a purpose.
Man, people would love to edit out the nasty parts of Dickens and Twain Heck, even Disney But we can't.
We must learn from our past.
We must face the past.
I'm sorry I was mean to you, Miles.
I'm sorry I told you to go out onto the train track.
I was jealous, but I was really wrong.
Hey, it's okay, big bro.
- I'm free now.
- Whoa.
Oh.
(gasps) He's weightless.
- Hey, sweetie.
What's your name? - Angela.
You too? What you guys think about having a birdbath together? - Yeah, I'd love to.
Let's get out of here.
- Okay, Miles.
Miles: Cleanliness is next to godliness.
See ya, Miles.
I did it.
I completed the journey.
So sick.
So dope.
Oh yeah, and, Jacob, I think you were promised a princess.
What? Here I come my hero.
Holy shit! Lois freaking Griffin! Oh, you're so freaking hot.
Oh, thank you, Jacob.
(giggles) Oh, you're making me blush.
- You're not so bad yourself.
- Can we make out? Well, I'm not too sure if that's appropriate.
I'm married, and you're a little kid and also a pigeon.
I love you! I'd be good to you! Uh, p-please? Okay, since you're so hot and cool.
Oh (yelps) What's happening? Go home, Jacob.
(yells) No, no, no! I was about to kiss! - (vocalizing music) - Bye, Jacob! Whenever I need documents notarized, I'll think of you! Bye, Jacob! Good luck! Where the fuck am I? This is his imagination? Sh-should I take my shirt off? (laughs) He really didn't use me to the fullest potential here.
(whimpers) (screams) Ah! I'm alive.
I'm alive! - Oh! Hey! Ow! What the fuck, man? Ugh! - (door opens, closes) (rock music playing) If you want to get ahead (door opens, closes) (tires screech) Slow down, try to walk instead - Meghan: Jacob.
- Mike: Jacob? - (door closes) - Uh, Mom? Dad? When I was out doing community service with Miles, I told him to get a penny on the middle track.
Miles went out and before I knew it, the train came.
I I killed him.
I killed my brother.
I killed your son.
I'm sorry, Jacob, is that why you've been gone? Oh, Jacob, honey, that is so sweet.
Oh! (laughs) Why do you smell like a toilet? Jacob, pal.
Hey, buddy.
It's Uncle Phil.
I'm just gonna shoehorn my way in here.
You didn't kill Miles.
- Huh? - We live in the wild.
Things kill us all the time.
- Right, guys? I mean - (laughs) Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're always dying.
- You gotta move on, buddy.
- Totally.
You think Miles is the only kid we've had die on us? - (laughs uncomfortably) - (laughs) Yeah, right.
Jacob, take a guess at how many kids we've had before you and Miles.
Uh two? - Fifty-four.
- Let's see.
There was a stop sign.
- Drowning.
Heart attack.
Small lion.
- (cat meows) - White guy, white ball.
God.
- (thunder crashes) - Mike: BDSM.
- Meghan: Explosion.
Mike: Forgot where we put him.
Human heroine.
- Meghan: Phil.
- Mike: Bored to death.
- James Cordon.
- Loose roller coaster strap, and we were having such a good time.
Gang violence.
Oh yeah, and then 35-ish more.
How did I never notice that wall of paintings? See, Jacob, it takes a lot to survive, and you're still here.
You're my brave little hero.
- Aww.
(chuckles) - And we're sorry if you ever felt anything less than special, honey.
Wow.
I guess you're right.
(laughs) Yup.
And look, honey, just to reiterate, you will die someday.
I will die, your father will die, everyone you know will die.
(laughs) Death is the great equalizer.
- Don't ever forget that.
- (ominous music playing) Do not run from it, do not hide from it.
Entropy will win out in the end.
Chaos reigns.
Darkness will surround you (whispers) for eternity.
(groans)