Avenue 5 (2020) s02e02 Episode Script

So, burn or starve?
Well, it's nice to have options.
You know, I think I preferred it
when it was chicken or fish.
Uh, sorry, we're heading into the Sun?
The big yellow cancer factory
made out of lava? That one?
We're not heading into the Sun.
Just very close to it.
I don't think the preposition's
the most important thing here!
The Sun doesn't care about grammar.
How about a reverse thrust?
It would add years to the ETA.
Which would have
a huge psychological cost.
- Plus, we'd run out of towels.
- What about magnets?
Does the ship have big magnets
that we could use?
How would How would magnets work?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe they could repel excessive heat.
You're right. They do repel heat.
That's why you always see people
on the beach fanning themselves
- with fucking magnets!
- Jesus.
- If Billie's this flustered
- I'm not flustered.
You are. You're being mean
and your eyes are vibrating.
Well, yes, because
of these fucking lights.
Can we turn these off?
It's like being inside
a Korean slot machine.
How can we accidently fly into the Sun?
That fucker is huge!
I will not die today.
I've blocked out that fiery disc of shit
with nothing but a parasol on a beach.
- I beat it then
- Deep breath.
- and I'll beat it again.
- Okay.
I will die in a fizzy bath
surrounded by hookers
on the day of my choice,
you understand me?
- Mm-hmm.
- You understand me?
I swear, when he burns up,
he's gonna leave noisy ashes.
Okay. So, the ship is insulated.
So if we move everybody
to the starboard side,
which is the cooler side,
maybe maybe w we'll be okay.
Okay, here's the plan. Fuck magnets!
We're going with your plan.
That's right, this way.
Yes, feel free to break
into a light jog.
If you're one of those people
whose extremities
are always cold,
today is your lucky day.
- Rav, you're doing great.
- Am I? At what?
Usher at an extinction level event?
Um, have you ever
tried positive thinking?
No. And now I never will.
Oh, my God.
Is that man wearing
a woolen polo neck, seriously?
Take off your polo neck, dingus.
Right, everyone, let's get moving.
I've found you a
There's Charles.
Captain Incredible
and his amazing day vision.
I found you a temperate corner
of the casino to hide out in.
- I lied about their age.
- Raf?
- Good catch.
- Yeah, good catch, Raf.
Are we gonna need, um, toothbrushes?
I can't find toothbrushes.
That's because I packed them.
Oh, good job. Shall we bring
your "father of the year" mug?
Don't mean to interrupt
this Jane Austen novel,
but this really is
a "hurry the hell up" situation.
And I'm sorry for bringing up
the word "hell."
Ryan, I should've told you
about Charles.
No, no, no. It's fine. Fine.
I just didn't know
he was gonna be here in this room.
Is I mean, are you two
- No, there's no
- We are very separate.
I can't find my shoes.
- I'll help you
- I'll help you look.
No, there's zero spark between us.
- It's just low level
- Constant resentment.
There's actually more chemistry
between you and me
than between me and her.
That came out a bit weird.
You do look good in the uniform, though.
- Elongates your neck.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, let's g Let's get going
before we boil to death.
Broil to death, I should say.
It's a dry heat.
I really wish I still had
that soda right now.
Let me describe it to you.
It was so cold,
it was wet on the outside.
Go get me a w externally wet soda.
- Yes, boss.
- Hey.
I'm sorry to interrupt your freak-out.
I just wanna outlive the Sun,
Matt, is that too much to ask?
Okay. Now, I want you to do
an exercise with me, okay?
(PANTING) Okay. Yeah.
Herman Judd, are you afraid of death?
Yes, very much so.
- Do I win?
- No. I need you to say no
- Okay.
- when I ask you,
"Are you afraid of death?"
N no?
Great, but when you say "no,"
I need you to believe in it.
Okay, so, are you afraid of naps?
No. No, I love naps.
Well, death is just
a long, beautiful nap.
- So, you are afraid of naps?
- No.
- Are you afraid of long naps?
- No.
- Are you afraid of death?
- No Wait. Um
Congratulations. You're ready to die!
- Really?
- Yeah.
"Each star is dream."
You believe that, Iris?
We dream as we live, alone.
Except here, we dream together.
Floor manager, I'm gonna need
a new couch.
I just fucking gushed all over this one.
We're gonna totally break down
the new ep of Avenue 5.
Plus, do birds have feelings?
- Jealousy?
- And we'll be ranking
the world's eight most important
infinity pools.
What's infinity?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
There is breaking
"shit your shorts" news.
Time for another slice of
"You Should Care About Whaaatt?"
The real Avenue 5
is flying toward the Sun.
These are unconfirmed reports.
Whatever, I'm conforming it.
It It is. Guys!
Where are you? Some reactions, please?
Nothing, repeat,
nothing is hotter than the Sun.
This is serious.
It certainly is.
Thank you, Gimpymanhand.
The Sun is made of gas.
They might just pass through it.
Science.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Okay,
everybody. Let's keep it moving.
Sir, sir. That is that is groovy,
but inappropriate.
Uh, perhaps you didn't hear.
We are in full evac mode.
- No, I I'm not leaving.
- We're flying past the Sun.
And it's notoriously hot
at this time of year.
This is total bull. I don't get hot.
- Is there a problem?
- No, there Well, yes.
- That, uh, he's not leaving.
- No, I'm staying put.
You're gonna have to drag me
out of here.
Okay, well, there's
there's one of you
and there's two of us. So
I'm just an observer, but, Gary,
you'd better do as he says.
Yes. If push comes to shove,
I will shove.
Okay. No, fine.
- Shove me.
- Ooh-hoo! Game on.
- Come on, shove me.
- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Please don't make me do this.
I am this close!
- Hear that? His accent's gone.
- God!
That means he's losing his shit, man.
The Cockney Ripper, they call him.
He's gonna eat your ass for brunch.
He's gonna wear your balls as cufflinks.
This won't come out of the wall!
I think you need to go to him.
Right. You want me to do this?
- 'Cause I will do this.
- Hey, hey, come on.
- No, come on. No, no.
- Don't make me ask again.
I am packing serious foam here.
- Oh, fine.
- I will foam you!
Fuck the both of you,
'cause I was going anyway.
I will extinguish you!
I was going anyway!
I will
Matt, I pulled the trigger, what
We're flying into the fucking Sun,
and the fire extinguishers don't work!
Yeah. That's an oversight.
This is a
temporary shelter. Find a space.
Houston, we have a pregnant.
So please
- Okay.
- Make way for my progeny!
Ooh, congratulations.
How far along are you?
- Four months.
- Five months.
No, it's just four months.
We've only been back together
- for four months.
- Oh.
Five months ago you were still
with that Scandinavian sex toy.
Is that Yes. You know what?
It's, uh, been such a blur
that I I hardly remember his name.
- Mads.
- Mads.
- That's right, it was Mads.
- Wait, I'll get it.
Thank Christ.
You know, if we make it
through this thing, we're naming
that baby "Thank Christ."
- No, it's Clarence.
- Clarence?
- Huh, I kinda like it.
- Yeah.
"Clarence, that's not your sandwich."
Welcome, Mr. Judd.
I must say it's an honor
to serve as your roommate.
Well, the privilege is mine and yours.
Uh, is there a bathroom in here?
Or is this also the bathroom?
- It's in here.
- Oh, great.
Okay. I'm gonna call that,
you can wash in the kitchen.
Oh, there is no kitchen.
Oh, these are great.
Judd brand executive sheets.
The best of the best.
Oh, do you have helpers
to do everything for you?
That's so cool.
No, these guys are just here
to take a bullet for me.
I got it, as always.
Get out of here, you dope.
Stand guard. Outside.
I'll help you out.
I can do hospital corners.
My mom was a very strict
psychiatric nurse.
Okay, I can get us out of this.
I can I can do this.
Come on, Billie.
I can get us out of this. Can I?
Oh, for sure.
What astronaut hasn't danced
in the old cirque du soleil?
We've got this, guys!
No The eels.
The eels. They They can't
take extreme temperatures.
We've gotta move them.
Jaz, we've gotta move them!
I don't think we got this. Coming!
And then, maybe like, four or five
five eels in a bucket.
Grab some food, shove it in.
Oh, looks like Firesnake's
getting frisky.
Oh, you've given them names?
Yeah! Firesnake, Eel Diamond, Hefner.
Hefner is right. It's like watching
a bunch of intestines have an orgy.
I need a bucket!
Okay, everyone, eel up!
And that was our run-through
of the top six film stars
who look like lawyers. Whoo!
I love that cough.
'Sup, Dawn Dogs? Iris Kimura is back.
Spin her up.
Okay, so
- Avenue 5 and the Sun.
- Lawsuit.
Not so far apart, huh?
- Dish, sister.
- Yeah, dish.
- Crazy times, right?
- Mm-hmm.
It's a delicate situation.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that's why we need viewers
like you, Plankboy, to keep praying
and petitioning the government
for a rescue plan.
Like it. Don't love it.
Not like our next guest.
Her sister died on that ship
for real. It's Zara.
(CLAPS) Spin her up!
Spicy!
Wow, Frank. You got me
some friends to play with.
Oh, my goodness. Human beings.
Just feel and smell so good.
Karen. (CHUCKLES)
Don't "Karen" me.
Because you starved me of human contact,
and right now, I'm rabid, okay?
Who wants a yogurt pot popsicle
right there?
The stick is a toothbrush
and that's a good thing.
Isn't that great?
Hey, Frank. I watch your show
with my buddies.
We call ourselves the, uh, Frankfurters.
Oh, I love it.
So cute. 'Cause Frank is
kinda like a sausage.
He's very palatable,
but you just don't know
what he's full of.
You're upsetting them, so can you please
- just let this go?
- Oh, really?
- You want me to let it go?
- Yes.
That you hid me in here
like a heroin wrap
in a prisoner's a-hole?
You want me to let that go, Frank?
'Cause I kinda think
your little fans here
might like to know
everything about that.
Okay, I'm sorry, sorry.
So, people, please
make yourselves at home
'cause I got a whole lot of stuff
I want to talk to you about.
Yeah, I could watch
these slimy bastards all day.
Oh!
Pick it up! Put it in your
actual mouth if you have to.
- Okay. Calm down, let's find the rhythm.
- Come on.
Yes, find find the rhythm, people.
Find the rhythm.
So, Zara, your sister, Sarah
- Mm.
- died in space.
Yeah.
- That must suck. (SIGHS)
- Oh, it sucks balls.
All the time. Really does, yeah.
All week, we've been asking
the question,
"Do we really miss the dead?"
- No.
- No.
- No.
- Do you?
My dead sister, um Oh, God, yeah.
Uh, because she died in space,
I can't look up at the sky
'cause it just reminds me of her,
so I can only look forward
or down now.
- What a fucking conundrum.
- My dead sister and Eyeball,
'cause that's what
my dead sister use to call her,
uh, had a really close relationship,
uh, really squadded together.
They'd do stuff like talk about boys.
Uh, they'd prank call, you know,
down to room service,
and just do silly voices,
and just make each other laugh
and laugh and laugh.
And we just miss her like mad,
don't we, Eyeball?
Yeah.
- Oh, so much love for Zara up in here.
- Aww.
You have no idea how much
I recall her memory.
Her
Yeah, God.
Don't you cry 'cause you're
just gonna set me off.
Aww.
Zara's way cooler than that Irene lady.
Why does she sit so funny?
All right, three things
wrong there, Sonny Sideburns.
No, she isn't cooler, my name is Iris,
and I forget the third, it was so inane.
Let's talk with Zara some more
about that special relationship
with her sister, Sarah, who's dead.
- Am I coming back?
- Zara, come over here.
- Who is she?
- Dead Sarah.
Yeah, I mean, we just had
so much in common.
It was it was sort of freaky.
I'm an actor, she was a hand model.
Uh, we both liked ham.
Release remaining funds
to purchase TV show Avenue 5,
studio whatever the fuck.
Buy it all. I don't give a shit.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Let's
skedaddle to the other side of the ship.
Think cool thoughts, everyone.
Glaciers. Figure skaters. Scotland.
- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Mothers.
- Hey, hey.
Meet me in Judd's new cabin
in about five minutes.
I found something very interesting.
So, there is a chunnel,
a long, thin tunnel,
- that the laundry crews use.
- (EXHALES) The Rat Line.
It's pungent as fuck,
but the acoustics are incredible.
Yes, um, but the thing is,
it is 12 degrees cooler there
than on the rest of the ship.
Okay, I actually self-regulate
my temperature, but I'm excited.
Well then, we just we
shove everyone in there!
Well, no, it can hold 300 people max.
And of course we have
to get the eels in. So
Well, thank God I didn't smile.
It would've been a shame to waste it.
Relax. Three hundred is enough
for all of us
plus a couple of decoys
in case people try to kill us
- while we flee.
- No, no, no, it's
it's it's children, sick,
the elderly, right?
- Right.
- And the only survivors will be
- the infirm and the juvenile.
- Yeah.
Right, and we don't fit
into any of those groups,
and we I mean
we're going too, aren't we?
I mean, um
You know, I always thought
that it would make a sound
when you hit rock bottom, but
apparently not.
Oh, my God. I'm so hot.
If I went into labor right now,
you'd need oven mitts to get
this baby out of me.
Hey, you know. Earlier you said
that you were five months pregnant.
I could swear it was four.
Okay, Doug. Do you love me?
- No, it's okay. It's not a trap.
- [groans] Then yes.
I need to tell you something.
- Oh, wait. Spike.
- What No.
Spike, come here.
What's going on?
No one's telling us anything.
Well, that's because they're no one.
Hey, how's our first family, huh?
You know what, Spike?
If my waters were to break,
it would just be a cloud
of fucking steam.
Oh, not on my carpet.
- Joking, it's not my carpet.
- It's not his carpet.
- Okay.
- Ooh, I I found you guys a sweet spot.
- What?
- Come on.
Listen up, everybody.
We have identified
a small cool spot on deck one.
Whoa, wait.
And we are gonna give priority to 300
Three hundred pa
passengers to
You know, I'm actually surprised
that they let you get that far.
And then captain Ryan
said to me, "You know,
Karen, you remind me
of one of those big cats
guarding like an Egyptian tomb."
There's a cool tunnel
on the other side of the ship!
Bye, Karen.
Honey, did you hear?
There's a cool tunnel.
God, I feel like my nipples
are about to sweat off.
They're slipping down my chest.
- Honey.
- Frank.
If I'm going out there
for the first time
in five months,
I am going dressed to kill.
- I want updates every 30 minutes.
- Yes, sir.
Make that every five minutes.
I want rolling news,
not some town crier shit.
- This is your nerve center?
- Yes.
Looks like you're selling timeshares.
Look, Avenue 5 heading towards
the Sun is second priority today.
What could be more important
than the Sun?
Literally everything revolves around it.
Iris, I am juggling plates.
Watch your feet.
But
Sorry, you're not on
the list. Key workers only!
Um, no. Um, sorry.
Head honcho heading in.
Sorry, sorry. Honestly,
I hate being saved first.
It's company policy. I'll
I'll be voting against it
at our next AGM.
Oh, oh, Mads, Mads.
Is this goodbye or is it adios?
Auf wiedersehen?
I still have no idea where you're from.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you cutting me loose?
- I hoped that
- Hope? Oh, buddy,
you gotta bury that fucker at birth.
Otherwise, you'll never find
true happiness.
No, that's bullshit, isn't it?
Has anyone ever told you
you're a lying, two-faced
panda's asshole?
Not those exact words,
but ballpark, absolutely.
Frank, loosen your grip.
I'm not your hostage anymore.
- It's not me, honey.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I assumed that clammy hand
was my husband's.
Frank! What, are you waiting
to be announced? Just move!
Yeah, we don't want poached Frank.
- Love you, buddy!
- Yeah.
Hey, brace yourselves!
Or Or should I say,
baste yourselves!
Sorry, ma'am. Frank's a key worker.
Oh, please. He makes
pancakes from face flannels. Just
Yeah.
- Karen.
- Frank!
- Out, because I love you!
- Okay.
Women and children go first, right?
- Well, this lady is both.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Uh, just the mom.
- What?
- What? Oh, great. I get it.
As long as my genetic material
makes it, I'll be nearly fine.
Um, about that, Doug.
There's a chance this baby
might not be entirely yours.
Entirely?
It's kind of an all-or-nothing
type deal, honey.
I'm sorry, this isn't the best time,
but we might die and
Oh, they're closing the doors,
- I gotta go.
- Mia!
Just FYI, I never knew my father
- and it didn't hurt me one bit.
- Oh, God. It's filling up.
There may not be enough room
for everybody.
Okay, well, you take this spot. Okay?
You have more joie de vivre.
Matt, no, you'll be burned alive,
and that's absolutely the worst way
- in which to be burnt.
- I peaked in high school.
- Take care.
- Make way!
This This is your captain
shouting. Make way!
Just swear at them. This is
not a line at Disneyland.
- Fucking move!
- Oh, I get it, asshole.
First you throw us out of our rooms,
- now you're jumping ship.
- I'm not jumping ship.
- I'm going deeper into the ship.
- Ryan! Ryan!
- Elena! Elena! Over here!
- Take the kids.
- You've gotta take the kids.
- Uh, yes. Of course.
Captain, we're running out of room.
Okay. Uh Do two children
count as one adult?
Are we doing this by weight?
What is the
No, with basic humanity,
you can't separate them.
Hang on, do I get any say in this?
- Door closes in ten seconds.
- Oh!
Take them.
Right, I'm the captain.
Kids, take my hand, come on.
I love you both.
(WHISPERING) I can't believe
I left Karen out there to die.
If she lives, she's gonna be so pissed.
Well, hopefully she won't die,
but if she does,
it could be a popularity boost for you.
- Please don't.
- I'm just saying
there's a a bright side.
A A sunny side.
Oh, God damn it.
Why is language taunting us?
- Mia? Mia? Mia!
- Doug?
Wh Doug, how'd you get in?
I crawled under
someone's legs, like a worm!
What do you mean,
it might not be my baby?
What? Say what now? Whose
Whose what may not what?
He said, "What do you mean,
it may not be my baby?"
Oh, my God. We're about
to become human jerky
- and you wanna talk DNA?
- What, honey?
DNA. Sperm.
Oh, please. Shout more
about sperm. Please!
My fertility isn't the issue!
What?
"My," meaning his, "fertility
isn't the issue."
Uh, he said, "My,
meaning 'his', namely Doug's"
Stand down, Margaret. I got it.
- Okay, pass these eels along.
- Don't look at it, don't look at it.
I just looked at it! Why did I do that?
Okay. Careful with these.
Their secretions are more valuable
than your actual souls.
- It's Charles, is it?
- Yeah.
You like Charlie or Chuck or?
- It's just Charles.
- Charles.
- So, this one's George Jr.
- Yeah.
- And he's really
- Whatever.
It's too hot for small talk.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hey. Elena.
You don't know me,
but I'm sure Captain Ryan
has mentioned me to you.
Well, the first part was right.
I don't know you.
Oh, he hasn't. Hmm.
What is he trying to hide?
If Judd If he still thinks
we're roommates
after he left me here,
- I will shit on his sheets.
- Get down!
- Okay? And then I'll
- Shut up!
- Things are about to get ugly.
- That's his head.
You're making it hotter!
Somebody needs to take charge.
- You're right.
- I'm gonna do this
- Okay.
- No, I didn't mean you.
Can I have your attention, please?
Listen, I know that
that you guys historically
have responded
to people yelling, "Listen up, morons,"
and and abusive stuff
like that, but
I'm not that guy.
(SHOUTING) Oh, you like me
better like this, huh?
You want me to be Papa Loco?
Okay, now if everyone could
just shut your eyes, please.
Brian, shut your fucking eyes!
I will shout you calm! Okay?
Listen up, everybody, in 60 seconds,
we will be approaching
and passing the apex.
And if we make it past that,
we might just be okay.
and if we don't,
see you in the next life.
(CHUCKLES) Who am I kidding?
There is no next life.
This is the fucking endgame.
So, good luck, everybody.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, God.
As if I believe in luck.
I absolutely don't. It's just
I'm gonna stop talking now.
Should've stopped talking
earlier. I'm sorry.
So, this is death.
What kept you?
Picture peaceful things!
The light dapples through the leaves.
A brook babbles whimsically.
Look at that!
A hedgehog's out!
What an unseasonal delight!
Two maple trees are touching!
Oh, there's a pumpkin!
Death is simply a long,
beautiful fucking nap!
Oh, my God! No.
We've passed the perihelion.
Oh, my God! We We We're
It's It's going down.
The temperature's going down. We did it!
(SQUEALS) Yeah!
This crappy little ship has saved us.
You may frighten vampires,
but you don't scare me, Sun.
They're all heroes now.
- Let's use this energy.
- What's next?
Same as before. We watch and wait.
No, that's an old
reference number. Get a new one.
Uh, I just bought a whole
TV show to raise awareness,
so do you think you could possibly give
or at least borrow a shit?
Do I seem like someone
who's interested in the optics?
Now, unless you're carrying
a metric ton of lithium
in your purse, we're done here.
Understood?
Lithium? Why do you care
so much about lithium?
I don't. It's a
supremely overrated element.
Wait, why lithium?
All right, everyone, the worst is over.
Unless Unless
we open this door and find
Corpses. We may find corpses.
Corpses!
There may be corpses everywhere.
Oh, looks okay, everything looks okay.
- Hallelujah! Provisionally.
- Oh, the rats are back.
Did you enjoy the acoustics, rats?
I will address your very valid concerns
in just a moment. Elena?
Come on. We gotta get the eels back.
I I just don't know what
happened. It was just
Mmm.
Okay, well. We were out here,
and you were in there.
I'm so sorry
if that's confusing for you.
And I I reached for a for a bag,
and I thought it was one of the kids,
- and it it was him.
- (CHUCKLES) It was me.
- Why did you follow him?
- Because he pulled me.
He He really did a number
on my shoulder, actually.
I I probably should get it looked at.
Oh, oh. Oh, thank God.
- You're not cooked.
- Oh, Frank.
I was worried your head
was too big to get out.
You left me here to die alone,
and now the tables have turned
and you are dead to me.
You're beyond fucker.
You're super fucker.
I don't know where
all this anger's coming from.
I mean, would you really have
wanted me to be out here?
In a way, I just saved your best friend.
Me.
You you said you love us both.
Captain Rathole,
do you have any remarks?
Yeah, thank you, Matt.
I It was the heat of the moment.
You remember the heat, don't you?
So, we're all agreed,
we're all confused?
Mia?
Mia?
Are you and Ryan gonna
fight like you and Daddy?
- No, no, sweetie, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. We're We're
We're not fighting,
we haven't got the energy.
No, we've survived the Sun.
We can survive a serious talk.
- Mm-hmm.
- But first, I
- I should just address the passengers.
- Sure.
Oh well, that moment has passed.
These science numbers
are too damn high, Captain.
I get the strangest feeling
that however hard
I try to imagine space.
It is, in the end, imagining me.
Only two things are limitless.
Imagination and space.
Stop talking, actors.
Cut there. Take five, everybody.
As your new boss, allow me to say
I think you're all doing adequate work.
It is so nice to
You need to improve your posture.
This isn't a jacuzzi.
Uh, quick question. Sorry.
Great to meet you.
- Uh, what time of day is it?
- It's 4:18.
No, no, no, in in
in the scene we're shooting.
It's hard to know the time of day,
because space is always so dark.
- So dark.
- Hmm.
I believe in this
particular scene, it's 4:18.
Wow. Weird coincidence.
Now, meet Zara.
Playing the new
Chief Science Officer, Sarah.
Everyone, just so you know,
yeah, the bird that got this gig
is back there.
That's Zara, I am Sarah. Yeah.
- You get that?
- Sarah.
- Cool.
- People like her.
I don't know why. I don't care.
She gives us profile,
so she's the star of the show now.
Hey, hey, anyone.
Am I gonna get a chair?
Not being a diva,
but I'm just stood here
like a fucking plum, so
Anybody, hello?
You, you're off the show. Get out.
- Oh, thank you so much. Bye.
- Clean out your trailer.
Cool.
Spirited. I really hate that
in a person.