Ballmastrz 9009 (2018) s02e02 Episode Script

1
"Ballmastrz."
♪♪
Whoa!
[Laughs]
[Screams in slow motion]
Aah!
[Laughs]
Aah!
Duleena: Nobody believed me,
but I called it!
Preggo!
She put a lot of bad things
in her body.
I hope
the baby is healthy.
I'm thinking more like
a flipper baby territory,
you know what I mean?
No offense, Flip.
I hope it is a flipper baby!
I'll be the perfect role
model-slash-uncle-slash-sensei
to the cutest little
bastard love child ever!
You can all bite me!
Aah!
Showtime!
I just flew in from Ulsa Guerin
and, boy, are my arms tired.
Humdinger!
[All scream]
[Belches]
What a dog I got.
He found out we both look alike,
so he killed himself.
There's tiny mutant baby head
sticking out of my stomach,
and it's talking!
That is no baby, and this
is a job for Flip Champion!
The most taboo
sexually-transmitted disease
known to the Consortium,
contracted
and spread by engaging
in only the most vile,
disgusting sexual acts
imaginable!
Scientific name,
blatio verruca morbis.
Street slang,
the blab because its tiny,
repulsive mutant baby head
won't stop blabbing!
But it's no match
for the purity-injecting
cleansing power
of my naval needle!
Behold, Umbilicus!
I mean,
they've got a point.
I'd double-bag it before
going near that thing.
Double-bag it!
A girl phoned me and said, "Come
on over. There's nobody home."
I went over,
nobody was home!
Hee-haw!
Oh, great,
another mouth to feed.
Yeah, yeah, yowza!
I'm so ugly, my mommy used to
feed me with a slingshot!
Hoo-ah!
Mommy, mommy!
I want my mommy!
Oh, this is horrible!
Oh, gee, you think?
Yes. Don't you guys remember
what tomorrow is?
All: No!
Gaz has a live holotube
interview with Obah Wexley.
The Obah Wexley?
Ooh, I love Obah!
Obah has the number one
talk show on the holotube.
When she gets behind a team,
great things happen!
Don't [bleep]
it up, Gaz!
It's only our biggest
PR moment of the season.
I ain't going anywhere with
wise-cracking wart in my belly.
Your mama is so fat,
her belly button
gets home 15 minutes
before she does!
[Laughs]
Somebody stop me!
[Singing indistinctly]
Doctor: Well, Ms. Digzy,
it seems you've been treated
at our clinic before.
Previous medical conditions
include
herpes, gonorrhea,
chlamydia
What can I say, doc?
I had a wild rookie season.
hepatitis A, B, and C
Ah, these things happen.
D through K
Okay, that,
I can explain.
P through V
through X, Y, and Z.
Rash X23,
AKA the filthy drip.
Is this
really necessary?
And finally,
now you've contracted
blatio verruca morbis,
AKA the blab!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
All: Whoa!
Crayzar is here to save the day!
C-Man, you here to help me ditch
this little bastard?
But of course.
So, you're going to laser
this sucker off?
Topical ointment?
Or is it pills?
I like pills.
I'm not here
to get rid of it.
I'm here to tell you
how to get rid of it.
All: Aw!
There is a rare and powerful
root, okidirae erasio,
that grows atop the rugged
Mountain of Scark!
If you can acquire the root
and feed it to the blab,
the virus will shrivel
up and die, curing Gaz!
[Moans]
That's it?
Easy peasy.
Yeah, but wait for the catch
because with this guy,
there's always a catch.
However, it is protected
by supernatural guardians
sworn to defend the root
from thieving outsiders.
Sounds like a job
for Ballmaster!
Risk my neck on Scark
for a skank?
Uh, no, thank you.
Don't be a coward!
Think of the team
for a change.
Huh?
If anyone finds out
Gaz has the blab,
they might think
we're all infected.
That would prevent us from
getting any sweet, sweet action!
[Bleep] blocked by
a blabbering boil, ah!
The Scark for the skank!
That's the spirit.
Blab: Me-ow!
Hey, I went to look
for a used car
and found my wife's dress
in the backseat.
Hey-o!
Oh, Danny Boy
The pipes, the pipes are
Ah, shut up!
Man, that root can't get here
fast enough.
Maybe if we keep it busy eating,
it'll stop talking.
Yeah!
Stuff its face!
So you morons want to feed
this thing caffeine and sugar?
Ah, where are those two?
Whoa.
Finally.
What took you so long?
Hey, Scark is no Sunday
stroll in the park, okay?
Ace: It was
a treacherous landscape
guarded by many
fearsome enemies.
What he's trying to say is that
it was a total shit show.
First, we were attacked
by stone giants,
but we showed him.
Ballmasters.
Then there was a big flying
serpent thing that was,
like,
spitting out acid venom.
Oh, and don't forget
the huge man-eating plants.
Ballmasters.
Wasn't just man-eating.
They also went for balls.
Then we had to climb
all the way up the
Did you get
the mother[bleep] root?
- Of course.
- Yes.
Give me that! Eat and die,
greedy little bastard.
[Munching]
Gaz Digzy is so ugly, when she
tried to join an ugly content,
they said,
"Sorry, no professionals."
Oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy-o!
Nothing's happening.
I don't understand.
[Laughing]
Bravo. Bravo, Leptons.
You did it.
In case
you haven't noticed,
there's still a talking baby
head sticking out of my gut!
Patience, Digzy.
It just needs time
to digest.
We don't have time
for patience.
We go live
in 5 minutes!
And the show must go on!
You can do it, Leptons!
I believe in you.
Just put your best foot forward.
[Laughs]
What are we going to do?
I can't go on like this.
This kind of shame is a
career-killer, even for me!
We need a plan B.
Come on, everybody,
think of something.
[Clock ticking]
Crayzar:
Put your best foot forward.
Oh.
[Cheers and applause]
♪♪
[All screaming]
Welcome to the show!
Tonight, we have
a very special guest.
She's been called many things,
most of them bad,
but this season, she's led
a historically helpless team
to victory
in a surprising string of wins.
Here she is, Gaz Digzy!
[Laughs] Gaz!
Obah.
So, talk to me, sister.
After some really
ugly career turbulence,
what's it like being back in
the limelight with the Leptons?
Oh, Obah.
You know, it's funny that you
should start there because
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Here we go.
A public execution
in slow motion.
Oh, you crazy girl.
Like I said, funny.
Funny,
I drinks too much.
The last time I gave a urine
sample, it had an olive in it!
Hey-o!
Excuse me?
Still like a little cocktail now
and then to take the edge off.
But as an athlete, doesn't it
affect your performance?
My performance?
Hey, I'm so bad in bed,
I once caught
a peeping Tom booing me!
Brud-da-da-da-da-da-da!
That voice
That crude, unnatural voice.
You you're
Alright.
Time to come clean.
That voice wasn't me.
It was Little Gaz!
I don't know what stinks worse,
Leto's plan or Leto's feet.
Put your shoe
back on, moron!
Hey, want to hear a song
about a tortilla?
Actually, it's more of a rap.
You like watching me
throw the ball, right?
Now you get to see me
throw my voice.
You used to be the bad girl
of the game,
and now you're playing
with puppets?
It's a way to help express
my darker inner conflicts
in a safe space.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sherwood.
Sherwood, who?
Gaz Digzy "sure would"
like a beer!
I didn't know you were
such a comedian, Gaz.
It's good
to have a hobby.
She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes ♪
Little Gaz wants to
show you our new dance move!
I got so much energy.
I don't know
what to do with it!
Little Gaz has me off drugs
and high on life!
Cut, cut.
Go to commercial!
[Static crackles]
That plan sucked, Leto.
I looked like a raving maniac
on live broadcast
to the entire Consortium!
Then, can I have
my sock back? Oh.
At least no one
discovered the blab.
Who cares?
Gaz destroyed the studio,
and it was a train wreck!
You were the one
who said really sell it!
Ah, Gaz Digzy,
butt of the joke yet again.
Quiet!
She's back on air.
If you're just tuning in,
you missed a first
on the Obah Show.
Something just took place
that was unlike anything
I've ever witnessed
on live holotube.
Ah, it was
That was
awesome!
[Laughs] Gaz is clearly
crazy and unstable,
but who wouldn't be
after a career like hers?
If her new way to deal
with stress
and fame is puppets
and performance
instead of drugs and alcohol,
more power to her!
I look ahead with optimism
to the future of Gaz Digzy
and the Leptons!
Great job, Gaz.
We did it!
Alright. Time to spill, Gaz.
We got to know.
Who'd you knock boots
with to catch that nasty thing?
Even if I did remember,
which I don't, I wouldn't tell.
That secret follows
the blab to the grave.
Ah, I told my psychiatrist
that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous.
Everyone hasn't met me yet!
Zing!
Boom shaka!
Thank you.
I'll be here all night, folks.
Ah! Ergh!
[Teeth clatter]
♪♪
Chirp.
Rad.