Batman (1966) s02e02 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
We have already seen stately Wayne Manor looted by the Archer and his merry marksmen.
He robbeth from the rich and giveth to the poor.
Batman and Robin called in to investigate Bruce and Dick's loss.
Allan A.
Dale questions their efficiency and how right he is.
The villains take off.
And the dynamic duo make a new friend.
And meet a pretty Wench.
But whose side is she on? The rich get poorer and the poor get richer.
Batman and Robin on the job.
But Archer is released on bail.
And where has he gone? That is the question which Alfred may help answer.
But it's all for naught.
Alfred subjected to the unkindest cut of all.
It's legerdemain and Batman knew it all the time.
Batman and Robin staked out.
The Archer plans to run them through with lances.
Those of faint heart, look away.
The most petrifying proceedings have not yet come to pass.
There's no way out, Batman! It's always darkest before the dawn, Robin.
And since we're at the very bottom, there's no place to go but up.
The Bat Springs, now! We've got your number, Archer.
Impossible, my dear sheriff of Gothamham My number's unlisted.
Marilyn, push the cheer button.
It's broken.
Thou hast destroyed my audience.
Thou hast smashed my ego-making machine asunder and rendered me helpless.
Come on! - Let's go after them, Batman.
-No.
By the time we reach the Batmobile they will have disappeared.
-But-- It's all right.
We'll nab them, Robin.
Now, let's free Alfred.
Mm.
I like that cape, Batman.
Very chic.
Wash and wear? We're not here to discuss my wardrobe, Mr.
Dale.
As administrative head of the Wayne Foundation one could presume that you've been in charge of the money from the beginning.
We checked with Bruce Wayne and he doesn't know a thing about it.
He doesn't know that I am in charge of the foundation's money? Of course he does.
He is a rather dull chap but he is not that stupid.
Well, what about it? The 10 million dollars.
Did Mr.
Wayne send you here to ask me that question? Every large foundation has its secrets.
And employees trusted to keep those secrets.
Understandably, Mr.
Wayne is concerned about the handling of such a large sum and the problem of its reaching each of the 100,000 Gotham Cityites to which it's assigned.
I'll be no problem.
Confidentially, it's coming in directly from the government printing plant at the mint.
And a very reputable firm is delivering it to me personally.
- When? -Where? Oh, come, Batman, surely you can't expect me to reveal what is obviously such secret information.
And certainly not without a letter of approval from Mr.
Wayne or another of the trustees.
- Is the money in cash? -Yes, Boy Wonder.
Ten million dollars in crisp new 100-dollar bills.
Do you realize, sir, what might happen if any criminal got wind of this? You misjudge the foundation's security measures, Batman.
Now, if there's nothing else.
No, that's all, Mr.
Dale.
Good day.
Well As I said, he came to the Wayne Foundation highly recommended.
Fair is fair, Robin.
No man's honesty should be suspect without good and clear cause.
Of course, Batman.
I really gotta hand it to you, Archer.
Hiding us out here in the basement at police headquarters really was a great idea.
Oh, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn.
Wouldst that thou couldst learn to speak proper English.
We couldst make such beautiful speeches together.
Oh, come off it, Archer.
Everybody knows we come from the same neighborhood.
Be thou silent, Wench.
Loose lips sink ships.
Ships.
Wait a minute.
Ships, Ships.
Not a bad idea.
I placed our horses in the stables with the sheriff's horses so we garner the benefit of free lodging for our steeds to boot.
Good, good.
Thou correctly determined the last place the police would look for us was under their red-veined noses.
And thou was right.
I are seldom wrong.
Cut! Get out of here.
Who goest there? Speakest now or forevermore hold thy tongue.
Hi ho, everybody.
Salutations, Allan A.
Dale.
What sayest thou? Just this: Batman and the Boy Wonder may have a bit of a sticky wicket planned for you.
Sticky wicket? Thou speaketh in a unique vernacular.
I speaketh, as we say on Madison Avenue about our gentlemen's agreement, Archer.
I was to alert you to the location of the money when you were cut me in.
Try that on for size.
It fitteth.
- Pray continue.
- Hmm.
Well my latest survey tells me that the armored can - I don't like it.
-There's nobody on the street.
Who could be firing at us? - That's brilliant, sire, brilliant.
- Excellent, my liege.
Just a little device I built in my spare time at the prison machine shop.
So all right, already.
You're gonna break your arm patting yourself on the back.
I'll deal with you anon.
All right.
Calculate the trajectory, mon fusiliers.
- Yes, my liege.
-Draw! One, two, three! - Somebody's stealing the money.
-I know, I know.
For Pete's sake, whoever it was didn't take any of the money.
It looks like they jumbled it around, but they didn't even steal a bag.
NARRATOR".
Eight hours have passed since that strange turn of events.
And meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor - Hello.
-Bruce, this is Police Commissioner Gordon.
- Yes, commissioner.
Nice to talk to you again.
-This is just a reminder call.
You are going to attend the official ceremonies at city hall today? Yes, today is the day that the Wayne Foundation is giving its gifts to Gotham City's needy.
-It should be very exciting.
Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder, will also be in attendance to make certain no incidents occur.
I am sure you'll wanna meet them.
Yes, they've been great favorites of mine for years.
- I'll see you later, commissioner.
- Right.
Aunt Harriet, something's come up that requires my attention.
- Dick's too.
-It has? - Oh.
- Immediately.
Excuse us, Aunt Harriet.
- Alfred.
-What's up, Bruce? - We've got trouble.
-Trouble? Real trouble, right here in Gotham City.
But I've got an idea.
Alfred, meet us in the Batcave.
To the Batpoles.
- Aren't you getting dressed for work? -No.
Not this time, Robin.
I have to attend an official function as Bruce Wayne and Batman is supposed to be there too.
How can I be of service, sir? We're trying to figure out how Batman and Bruce Wayne can be in the same place at the same time.
- A knotty problem, sir, if I may say so.
-No, there's a solution, Alfred.
- You'll have to change your clothes.
-My--? - My clothes, sir? -Mm-hmm.
Oh, they, uh-- They want a picture now.
I understand you almost lost the money, Mr.
Dale.
Yes, but as you can see, their efforts were unsuccessful.
But who knows what might have happened if we'd had to depend on those two up there.
I pray our deception succeeds, Master Robin.
Just puff up your chest and look virile, Alfred.
- Good to see you.
-Thank you.
Oh, glad you could come, Bruce.
- Certainly a fine day for the ceremony.
-Yes, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Who is that doing the honor? Mr.
Marshall Roland, Gotham City commissioner in charge of poor people.
An old fraternity brother of mine of G.
C.
U.
Look, they're about to start.
My fellow citizens of Gotham City it is not often a person gets to preside at such an auspicious occasion.
Due to the gracious generosity of the Wayne Foundation we are here today to carry on the work of that fine organization.
Hear, hear.
I do so wish he'd get on with it.
Sounds as if he's electioneering for governor.
- He's already been governor.
-Old habits are hard to break.
And now, we will present the money in reverse alphabetical order.
Will Mr.
Zoltan Zorba please step forward? That's great, go ahead.
Go on, get up there.
Looks like it's going smoothly, Alfred.
Hey.
What are you trying to pull here? This bill is counterfeit! They're trying to hoodwink us! What kind of phony deal you trying to pull? Friends, this is a fraud! They're trying to take us in! It's counterfeit money! They say there's something rotten in Denmark.
Something's rotten in Gotham, and it's right here, in phony money! So the Archer struck even before the fact.
- I better call Batman down.
-An excellent idea, commissioner.
But I've got to call the office and see if the insurance covers this loss.
I quite understand, Mr.
Wayne.
Chief, let me have that.
Batman! Boy Wonder! Please come down! We need you! We'll be right there, commissioner! - I'm afraid we're in for it now, Master Robin.
-Bruce will be with us in a minute, Alfred.
Just as soon as he finds a place he can change into his Batman outfit.
Let's go.
I thought you'd be changing by now, Bruce.
There's no time for that now, Robin.
We'll have to do it another way.
Just speak into this, Alfred.
I've already pre-set the Bat Speech imitator so that my own voice will come out.
- Splendid.
It will help hide my mustache.
-Good thinking, Alfred.
You're on your own now, old chum.
I can't understand what's taking Batman so long.
Usually he'd simply swing down via his Batrope.
He should be here any moment.
Here they are now.
Yes, commissioner.
What's wrong? That infernal Archer has outwitted us.
The money is counterfeit.
Holy deviltry! Say, Batman, are you all right? I have a bit of a cold, Commissioner Gordon.
I thought it might be infectious.
- I don't want anyone to catch it.
-Ha-ha-ha! Just like Batman.
Always thinking of his fellow man.
- What do you think happened? -The money was switched during the night.
Ten million dollars.
This is the crime of the century.
Don't worry, sir.
Batman always gets his man.
Say, Boy Wonder, uh Batman looks a little, uh, thinner these days.
Is he all right? Uh, except for the cold, he's fine.
Well, tell him to get some relaxation and make sure to eat all his vegetables.
I'll tell him, sir.
How did I do, Master Robin? You could have fooled me.
Let's go, Alfred.
- Bruce will meet us back at the Batcave.
-Right you are, sir.
That swaggering churl and his guttersnipes made good their threat.
- This will probably mean my job.
-I'm sure Batman and Robin will get them.
Oh, I fear those piratical desperadoes have already unbuckled their swashes and fled Gotham City.
- Arrivederci, Mr.
Wayne.
-You're, uh You're leaving? I hie me now to Fire Cove for a bit of the bounding main.
Allow me to offer you my hearty handclasp.
Keep in touch, won't you? You can be sure you'll hear from me.
Phew! Gosh, Batman.
We're really up a tree this time.
Even the Bat Crimeputer struck out.
There's a large mural here.
And one small piece of canvas must be brushed in before we can get the entire picture.
Let's fill it in.
The armored car was attacked at dawn and the only ones who knew about the money delivery were you, I and - Allan A.
Dale.
-Correct.
And the money was brand new and in serial-number sequence.
Archer wouldn't dare try to spend the money because all the banks in the country will be on the lookout for it.
But where did he-- I fancy the word is stash.
--All that money until the heat was removed? There's only one place in the world where the heat would be off: Switzerland.
Of course.
I read about it in my economics class.
And they give you an account number so you can remain anonymous.
That's correct, Robin.
It's as plain as the masks on our faces.
The Archer said we could never obtain his number because it was - Unlisted.
-Correct.
And Allan A.
Dale went boating at Fire Cove.
- Do you know where Fire Cove is? -Well, I've spent many a summer there, sir.
It's the last spot of land one sees before going out to open water.
- That leads to Europe.
-Precisely.
And Commissioner Gordon said he had the roads and the airplanes covered.
But the Archer has signaled two if by sea.
To the Batboat via Batmobile.
Officer! Officer! I don't understand this.
How come Batman gets away with driving so fast cutting around corners, going through lights? Why, if I did that I'd be in jail the rest of my life.
Batman is a duly deputized officer of the law, ma'am.
And if he is not pursuing a dangerous criminal he drives more safely than any motorist I've ever seen.
In his off-hours, he lectures on traffic safety to driving classes all over Gotham City.
No, ma'am.
If ever you see Batman driving speedily you can be sure that he is endangering his life to protect yours and mine.
Stand by to raise the foc's'le and mains'le and the tops'le! And do it on the double-quick or I'll keelhaul you! I just love that kind of talk.
I think I'll go downstairs to the kitchen.
Thou meanest the galley.
Oh, whatever you say, Archer baby.
Now, heed this: Scrape the barnacles pump the bilge, me scurvy crew, then hard alee to Marseille.
- Mr.
Archer? -Thou speakest? I'm getting seasick already.
And we've not yet left port.
You'll all be more than seasick by the time we get through with you.
Avast, me hearties.
Draw thy bows.
Quick, Robin, the Batshield.
Fire one, fire two! Abandon boat.
Take to the sword.
Don't let them get away, fellows.
Slice them into small pieces.
By thunder, thee will walk the plank yet.
Holy Blackbeard! Carve them up, swabbies, or thee will all hang from the yardarm.
Hey, you guys.
I doff my cowl to you, Maid Marilyn.
Fair is fair.
Et tu, Brute.
Ugh! Not bad, Dick.
Let me give it try.
Well done, sir.
And you too, Master Dick.
But if I may, I'd like to show you how we use to do it in merry old England.
We could use a few pointers, Alfred.
And now, Master Dick, if you'll do the honors I'll show you that my nickname of William Tell was no jest.
Uh, I'd rather not, Alfred.
- Not that I don't trust you or anything.
-Oh.
Dick is right, Alfred.
We shouldn't take any unnecessary chances.
- Oh, very well, sir.
-Here, I'll put it on the target for you.
Oh, thank you, Master Dick.
Yes.
You must be very careful.
Draw the bow back very, very slowly until you reach the desired degree of tension on your bowstring.
Hmm'? - And then sight the target - Okay.
in this is manner and release very smoothly like this.
- Right between the eyes! -You were saying? Heh.
I do believe I forgot to dust the Batcave, sir.
Yes.
Heh.
If you'll excuse me.