Beaver Falls (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Oh, thank God you boys made it.
What's with the cast? He's lost the arm now.
Seriously, I can't swim! Why don't you just use your amazing penis?! I've been thinking about you a lot.
A-Rab.
This is Mac.
My husband.
So, who started it? Um Officer! I was just wondering if we could erase the tape? The tag allows us to monitor you at all times by GPS.
I am sorry if you still have feelings for me.
Oh, my God, you are such a shit-stirrer! You grassed on me! I'm sorry.
I've always got your back, and you've never got mine.
I want to swap bunks.
Hey.
Come in.
I got told to report here.
This is Mac.
I have a feeling this is going to be a great summer.
Shit! What is it? I have to go.
Oh, yeah, the old "don't stay for breakfast" rule.
Don't stay for breakfast? I don't normally stay for the cigarette.
So what's different this time? Uh, I fell asleep.
You might want to take a look at that.
All right, Barry.
Down, boy.
I'll see you later.
What? I said I'll see you later.
I know.
I just like to hear you say it! It's usually about now that girls ask me to clear a space in my sock drawer.
Not me.
Morning, Flea-J.
What? Flea-J.
It's what the Chunk Bunk call you.
Friends with benefits.
Not even friends.
That implies an emotional bond.
Aw! You know who you two remind me of? Bimberley.
What?! Bimberley - Barry and Kimberley.
We started out like you, saying it was nothing serious, just a bit of fun, now look at us.
We're like an old married couple.
No, no, no, we're not a couple.
Why is it so hard for you to understand? Ooh! So what do they call Hope and A-Rab? Hope and A-Rab.
Yeah, "A-Rope" doesn't really work, does it? I wanted to go for "complete and utter twat "and the girl stupid enough to shag it," but it was a bit of a mouthful.
A-Rab in the house! Yeah, lay it on me! All right, give it to me! Yeah! Mac, you are a legend! Yeah, the extra 17 minutes, 11 seconds gives me time to do my nails and lipstick in the morning.
Actually, I don't know how we survived so long without you.
Napkins in the house! Yeah! You like that? You two can sort this shit whenever you want.
What shit? Jock Bunk rules! Ow! You know, one time, when my parents had a big fight, they went to a mediator and they each had to write down a list of issues they felt needed to be resolved.
Not a bad idea.
Did you hear that? Yeah, you want me to write down a list of Barry's issues.
I haven't got much time, but I can make a start.
Great! Yeah, my parents got a divorce.
'Morning, campers, 'and what a lovely day it is too!' Don't forget, today is the day we open our doors, and our hearts, to the residents of the Yuba City Juvenile Detention Centre.
'Of all the special days in the Beaver Falls calendar, 'this is a personal favourite of mine 'and I'm sure that it is for you too.
' What's going on? Ask Thurston.
Quick, back to the bunk! It's my mom.
She runs a programme to help rehabilitate young offenders.
'Finally!' Some people I can identify with.
Come on.
Those juvies will steal anything.
Grab the laptop! Here you go.
I'll grab the candy bar stash.
Welcome, friends! Because it is my firm belief that in spending time together here today, the rich, over-privileged elite and the economically-challenged criminal underclass can come together in friendship.
Now, here to tell us a little more about the Kathie Lee Hobbs Second Chance Programme is the remarkable lady behind it.
She is an inspiration to us all.
Please give a warm welcome to the one-and-only Kathie Lee Hobbs! Honestly, could he jam his head any further up her ass?! Oh, did I forget to mention she's beautiful too?! Someone's got a boner! Thank you, Bobby.
I always look forward to coming back here and spending time together.
You hear the words "juvenile detention centre," you see the orange overalls, the tattoos, the scars, and you make assumptions.
Tell Rachael to stash this in the safe in her office.
I'm here today to put a stop to that, and I'm going to start right now.
I want you all to hug a juvenile delinquent.
Because they need more than just a good lawyer, they need love.
Come on, don't be afraid.
Apart from the crimes they have allegedly committed, they're just like you and me.
If you can't find a delinquent, then hug someone else you don't know or don't like.
Hey! Hello, Flynn.
Come on, campers! Hug it out! Go on! Um, Bobby, can I have a word? Uh, not really, no, Hope.
Only, the kitchen is driving me crazy! Can't stand the heat, huh? Nor the grease, nor the complete lack of sunlight.
I have so much more to offer.
I'll, er I'll mention that to Maintenance.
Remember I said I had a little surprise for you? Well, here it is! Say hello to Randy.
He's your new brother.
He's what?! I know, isn't he adorable? He's a juvenile delinquent! Now, Thurston.
All the evidence against him is circumstantial.
When you said a little surprise, I thought you meant a new rabbit.
You can cuddle me.
Oh, you know, I have a really strong feeling that you two are not going to be just brothers, but the best of friends.
Kathie Lee? I thought you might like a guided tour.
Oh, OK.
Well, you take care of Randy, now, little bear, and no rough stuff, OK? Is it me, Kathie Lee, or have you done something different to your hair this year? I have.
I've also lost 105 pounds.
Oh Your loss is, er, my gain.
What the fuck are you doing back there? Come on, bitch.
Go faster! I bet you don't eat this fuckin' slow! Come on.
That's it, fuck nuts.
Nice and easy.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch the spinal column, you bucket of shit! I hope the fuck you know a good lawyer, and I hope the fuck you know an even better chiropractor! I am in pain, asshole! In pain! Hey, do you have to talk to Thurston like that? What the fuck is it to you what I talk like? Sorry to interrupt, but who are you? His brother.
Who the fuck are you? Harry Potter's boyfriend?! We all need a second chance in life, Bobby.
Because we all make mistakes.
I know that only too well.
Thurston? His father.
Oh.
Right, yes.
These kids are not just locked up physically, but emotionally too.
They have feelings, longings and desires, and they've got no-one they can talk to.
I am just so grateful that they can come here to Beaver Falls to escape, to forget their troubles, forget the negative preconceptions of society at large and just be themselves.
What the hell's wrong with you?! Don't you dare talk about my mama like that! All right, Mac.
Calm down.
That's right, girl.
Don't stop.
Mmm! Lick it good, now.
You have got a real problem, do you know that?! What are you, mentally impaired? I got more than one.
Look at me.
I am in debt, incarcerated, and I'm in a fuckin' wheelchair.
That is a lot of adversity, but that is still no excuse for rudeness.
Water! Are you for real?! There are people worse off than you who manage it.
Who the fuck is worse off than me?! Tell me, so I can shake his miserable hand.
Flynn.
- What? - Who, or what the fuck is Flynn? He's a counsellor.
Mac, what are you doing? He's dying of ALS.
Aids? No What did you say? Water! He didn't say anything.
He did.
He said Flynn's got something.
He hasn't, has he, Mac? Er No.
No.
What's ALS? Forget about it.
Mac just misunderstood.
That's all.
Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
What? Also known as Lou Gehrig's disease.
That shit kills you in, like, two, three years, tops.
Neurodegenerative disease is kind of like a specialty of mine.
Flynn is dying? Psst! I think we might have a bit of a situation.
That's funny, I thought I heard something.
No, I The Chunk Bunk just found out about Flynn's thing on the What? How? Mac kind of accidently let it slip.
Mac.
What did you tell Mac for?! I didn't.
Rachel did.
Does Flynn know? No.
Shit! What did you tell the kids? I just told them to act natural, you know, like nothing had happened.
It's the Flynn Meister! Hey, Flynn's in the house! Have you tasted these potato chips? They're delicious! You have to give me the recipe.
I think it's potatoes.
And chips.
Are you all right, boys? Get a load of that ho.
Guys, give it a rest.
She's not my girlfriend.
We do what we want, right? But, I mean, where's the respect, you feel me? A man in your condition.
A man in my condition? Act natural, I said.
That was just weird.
All right, Barry, just calm down.
Is Flynn mad at us? Mad? No.
- Why would you think that? - He looked mad just then.
He was just upset, that's all.
Yeah, but with Barry and Mac and Rachel, not you.
Thing is, Flynn came out here to get away from his illness.
And to hang with you guys.
He came out here because he wanted to be somewhere that people didn't know about it, which is why it's so important that we don't tell anyone else.
For Flynn.
Like a dying man's last wish.
Yeah.
Does this mean you two are friends again? Barry and me It's complicated.
Sometimes two people grow apart.
They change.
It's not good or bad.
It's no one's fault.
Or it is and that person needs to apologise.
Or the other person needs to put their hands up and say That does not mean that they don't still love you guys.
All right, so no-one says anything to anyone, yeah? I think they got the message.
Let's hope they can keep a secret better than Rachel.
A-Rab, please.
I feel bad enough about this.
Ooh! Does somebody have a secret? No.
Oh, come on, you can tell me.
I made a promise not to tell anyone.
I respect that.
No, totally.
I didn't expect to see you back again so soon.
I'm flattered.
Oh, don't be.
I forgot myself.
You don't need to make an excuse to come and see me.
You think I came here on purpose? Subconsciously.
In your dreams! Yard Sale the Musical? Yeah, it's rubbish.
Mmm.
About what happened.
You don't need to apologise.
I do.
You confided in me and I'm supposed to be a guidance counsellor.
It's fine, apology accepted.
You haven't told her yet.
We don't have that kind of We don't talk much.
It's just sex.
Yeah.
- And you think it'll change that? - I know it will.
Maybe for the better? I just don't want her to know, all right? I don't want anyone to know, so drop it! Found it.
What don't you want me to know? Nothing.
Secrets.
I like it.
It really is special here, Bobby.
No wonder Thurston's always asking for summer camp on his Christmas list.
You know, one of these days I might just give in.
He's a great kid.
I know you're not supposed to have favourites, but what can you do? Sometimes two people just click.
Boys! Does this thing have a brake? Yeah, right there.
Ah! Oh, there he is.
There's my little champ.
What are you up to, buddy? How are you two boys getting on? Great, Mom.
I haven't had a criminal urge since I got here.
Or masturbated.
Actually, Mom, I really needed to talk to you I get it, you don't want to be stuck talking to us squares all day.
Come on, Kathie Lee.
Hit the trail.
If you want me to drive, I really don't mind.
Nonsense.
Man, our new dad is a real fucking douche.
He's not my dad.
Are you for real? It couldn't be more obvious if he had his cock in her mouth.
He's not my dad, you're not my brother.
Stop calling my mom, "Mom.
" Thurston, put down those cakes immediately! Urgh! They haven't even been baked yet.
Have you been crying? Somebody call you a name? Well, then, what is it? I made a promise not to tell anyone.
Good for you for keeping your promise and not telling anybody.
It's all right.
I think I know what this is about.
You do? Hm-mm.
A-Rab told me.
No wonder you're so upset.
Is he mad at Rachel? I guess it was Rachel who told Mac.
I guess.
It's just so sad.
Oh, you poor thing.
You come here.
Oh.
Poor Flynn.
I know.
I can't believe he's He's Dying.
Flynn is dying? I thought you knew! I do! It just helps me to say it out loud, you know.
Flynn is dying.
It helps me to come to terms with it.
Flynn is dying! You try it.
Flynn is dying.
Yes.
No? OK.
Oh, my God.
Flynn is dying? You mean he told Rachel in strictest confidence and she still went and told people? What a bitch! We are talking about Rachel, the guidance counsellor, right? Right.
I have the most amazing news but you cannot tell a soul, promise? Promise not to tell anyone.
Can you keep a secret? Oh, man.
This don't look good.
What is it, Comrade? Flynn's dying.
Tell us something we don't know.
Wait, how do you know that? It's all over camp.
Fuck! How did it get out? Has Flynn seen this? Mate, this is a total cluster fuck.
Looks like we've got a rat.
Thurston, just cos she's our mom don't mean she don't got needs of a sexual nature.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-huh.
Yes I am.
If what you're thinking is that Randy's the rat.
You know, Kathie Lee, Pamela and I are, to all intents and purposes, separated.
Bobby, I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.
It's a marriage in name only for the sake of the camp.
What are you doing with that flag? He's not dead yet! What the hell's going on?! Hey.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
OK.
You see, me and PJ, that never would've happened had I known.
Forget it.
It's no big deal.
Oh, that's really Zen of you.
Well, I want you to know that I hope you come back something really cool.
What? What are you talking about? You and reincarnation.
You are dying, right? Where did you hear that? Everybody's talking about it.
Flynn, I .
.
Sticks and stones Fire bones Is your cage your empty home.
Oh, it's the I'm-so-sexy-when-I'm-serious face.
What are you, stalking me now? I bet you checked all the messages on my cell too, huh? What? What are you smiling for? I'm not.
Come on, let's get out of here.
OK.
Is this about that secret? Definitely not.
Spencer! Oh, what? Does he know about us? Let's just go, yeah? What's going on? Spencer! I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye in the past, but you have my respect and sympathy.
I think what you're doing is extremely brave and I would love for you to talk about it at tonight's gala.
Talk about what? Don't you know? Just let it out.
Flynn! That's all right, I'm all right.
What the fuck is wrong with you? He's got Oh my! Come on, Dad, get up! Get up! Fight back, come on! Bobby, you can't hit a dying man.
What? What did you say? Flynn! Flynn! Come back! Is somebody going to tell me what's going on? Wait, Flynn! Come back! Kimberley? BYE! Scared my dad's gonna come after you with his hunting rifle? If you're here to tell me not to go, then I wouldn't bother.
I'm not.
Really.
You do whatever you need to do.
Where are you going? Anywhere but here.
Well, I hear it's nice there, this time of year.
I came to say goodbye.
Bye, then.
A-Rab have you seen Kimberley? I can't find her anywhere.
Just text her.
What took you so long? Come on, let's get out of here.
A-Rab! Wait up! You can't go.
Hope, listen.
I can't make Flynn stay here, so if he goes, I go.
He's my best mate and he needs me.
That's why we came out here, you know, to be together, the three of us.
I know there's potential You can't go because of your ankle tag.
Oh, that's great.
No, that's wonderful.
Well done, Barry.
You've done it again.
You never fail to fail, do you? You always let people down.
This is actually better this way.
How? How is it better? We go without you.
Fuck you.
We don't have to listen to you whine, or act surprised when you ask a girl to marry you and she says no.
A-Rab.
This is all his fault.
He put me in this ankle tag, pushed me out the Chunk Bunk, and he stood and let Mac tell the world you were dying.
He's the reason you're leaving and I have to stay! I should have slapped you when I had the chance.
And when was that, you delusional fucking plant?! You, get out.
I haven't done anything.
Get the fuck out! I've had it up to here with the pair of you! What are you doing? What does it look like? He's going without us.
He's not going very fast.
He can't change gear cos of his hand.
Flynn, mate, this is ridiculous.
I'm not going back there.
Back there? You haven't left yet.
Stay, I have to.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Fuck it.
What? Go on.
No, no, no, no.
Don't do this martyr shit.
I'm not.
I promise.
He needs to go and you need to change gear.
Now go on.
This Flynn obviously touched a lot of people in his time here.
Yes, he did.
Are you prepared for this? It'll be all right.
No, I meant the kids.
Is there someone they can talk to? Not anymore.
Excuse me? Rachael, our guidance counsellor, is the reason we all know Flynn is dying.
He told her in strictest confidence, she betrayed that trust, and look what happened.
Her position is no longer tenable.
You know it, I know it, and those heartbroken kids know it.
Bobby, you have to do something.
Call the guards! About the guidance counsellor.
I still can't believe you let me have sex with you 11 and a half times I wish it had been twelve more.
This has to be the longest text message in the history of the world.
I looked for you to say goodbye but couldn't find you.
And the dullest.
Gear.
So if you ever find yourself in Actually, where are we going? No idea.
What do you mean? I mean I've got no idea where we're going.
What, we're lost? We're not lost.
That implies a known destination.
Hang on! We have an unknown destination?! Is that a problem? Yes, I thought you had a plan! The plan was to get out, and we did.
What's the plan now?! There is no plan.
That is not a good plan.
And if you want to light a rainbow come with me And I will take you in a magic purple scene Maybe we will find a thousand sugar fish And when you eat them they will grant your every wish.
Hey Yo! Thurston! You're up, little brother.
Get your ass in here and help me off the can.
And make it fast.
I don't know what it this about the air here, but it makes my shit smell baaad.
I'm serious, blood.
You need a fucking mask to come in here.
This is Ground Zero.
Hey y'all.
It's all Randy's fault.
He's the rat.
You don't know that.
Oh come on, none of us told anyone.
You know what, Randy needs to be taught a lesson.
Damn! Oh my God.
That is repellent! Jeez, Louise! That stinks! Is there a problem? Yes, you.
You need to read the employees code of conduct that Lori sent over from Head Office.
Parent/staff relations are to be kept strictly professional at all times.
And trust me, Bobby, she's not the kind of woman to give you a second chance.
Yes, a second chance A chance to start over.
Kathie Lee? She's a woman of means.
She could have her own golf kart.
Or a quad bike to ride across the prairie.
Are you drunk? No painkillers.
How much money have you got? £300, give or take.
You can't run away on £300.
Where are we supposed to sleep? How much have you got? Pounds.
We'll get jobs.
Doing what? Anything.
Right.
So that's it, is it? I've just given up sex with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, for this.
And to look for a job! How are you doing, mate? I actually came up here to ask you the same question.
I'm all right.
I want to go back.
- It's not happening.
- Flynn.
Barry, I can't go back, even if I wanted to.
I decked the camp commandant.
You're ill.
He can't do anything.
It'd be a PR disaster.
Come on.
- No.
- Flynn, turn the car round.
- No.
Change gear.
- No.
- Change gear now.
- No.
Barry! No.
Get out of my way! What's wrong? Randy.
He was there and now he's gone.
Hello, little bear.
He's fine! I know where he is.
I love my new brother! You see, what did I tell you? All right.
Don't panic.
He can't have gone that far.
Come on.
Since time began, the Chunk Bunk has fallen victim to wedgies.
The hanging wedgie, the atomic wedgie, and of course the er, the Melvin.
This drawer right here is where all those underpants are laid to rest.
See this is what happens when you rat on the Fat Pack.
Fuck you! I ain't no rat.
Juvies don't rat! Then who was it? I just told you.
I ain't no rat.
Oh yeah? We'll see about that.
You never met Jizz, did you? Yeah.
He's a good friend of ours.
A chronic masturbator.
Fuck you! Fuck you!! No!!! Arghhh Fallin' from high places Fallin' through lost spaces Now that we're lonely Now that there's nowhere to go Watchin' from both sides these Clock towers burning up I lost my time here I lost my patience with it all.
Now what? I mean this is it, Flynn.
This is the end of the road.
Look at it.
Someone is trying to tell you something here.
Yeah, that you can't read a fucking map.
And you can't keep running from this.
Watch me.
All right, but you're still going to be poorly.
I'm not poorly, mate.
I'm dying.
Right, then do it somewhere nice, where the sun shines and we already have a job, and a place to sleep.
And you can crawl right back into Kimberley's pants.
And you can pretend not to like PJ.
I don't like her.
You see, it's like we're back there already.
I don't want to go.
This is the reason we came out here.
We came out here to spend the summer together, the three of us.
Exactly! You, me, A-Rab.
He's not here, is he? So we have to go back to Beaver Falls.
And do what? I'll think of something.
You? A-Rab will think of something.
He's not talking to you.
All right then, I will sort it out with A-Rab and then he'll think of something.
It's too fucked, man.
No, no it's not.
I can fix this.
I know I can.
I promise.
Come on, Flynn.
I won't let you down this time.
I'll un-fuck it.
Let's do this.
You mean, let'syoudo this.
Me? You said you were going to fix it, so fix it.
I'm staying here.
Right, yeah.
OK, then.
Here I go.
This is me going.
Going.
Gone.
I'm going to have to ask you to step down as Camp Guidance Counsellor.
What? Don't worry, I'll find something else for you to do.
I don't understand.
Well, Flynn told you about his illness in strictest confidence.
I told one person.
One too many.
My husband.
And now the entire camp is in mourning.
That is not my fault.
You betrayed a trust, Rachael, and that is something I cannot take lightly.
Bobby, please.
You can't do this.
I'm going to need the keys to your office.
Did somebody put you up to this? The keys.
So you came back, then? Yeah.
What happened? It suddenly dawned on you that Kimberley was the only fit girl on this planet who would ever let you sleep with her? No.
Well, yeah.
That was part of it.
Or did it occur to you that you might not get very far with £300 and £26? That was a factor, yes.
It's not the main reason I came back.
No? No.
So what then? Don't make me say it.
Say what? How can I make you say it if I don't know what it is? I came back to say I'm To say I'm what now? Didn't quite hear the end there.
You mumbled.
I'm sorry.
For the ankle tag, and for grassing you up to the police.
For calling you a corporate tosser.
For not cooking a meal or paying any rent for 13 months.
14 months.
14 months.
Oh, no.
What is it? Is Randy OK? Thurston.
So glad you could join us.
It's OK.
None of you are in trouble.
Nobody did anything wrong.
I just want to get to the bottom of a couple of things.
You see, we all had a little secret in here and now that secret is out there, and I just want to find out which one of you is responsible.
None of us.
Shit! Oh, my God! Randy! What have they done to you? And for that time I forgot to pass on the message cos I was too stoned to realise that the pen was actually a straw.
Apology accepted.
You have been a massive bell-end, though.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
Let's go find Flynn.
Wait.
That's it? That's all I get? Yeah.
I'm more succinct than you are.
That's not enough.
What if I told you this ankle tag really chafes? Does it? Yeah.
Yeah, all right then.
- I know where Flynn is.
- Where? He's in the car.
Roll up for the Kathie Lee Hobbs Gala Event! A spectacle that includes a magic show! I thought the crowd I ran with was sick and twisted and deviant.
They thought you knew who the rat is.
I do know who the rat is.
Who is it? Are you for real? It's you, Thurston.
You're the reason all this shit went down.
What?! That chick in the kitchen this afternoon Hope? You gave her the goods.
No, no.
She already knew.
She knew shit, Thurston.
You told her everything.
She let that into the world.
She played you like an X-box, son.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? This is all my fault.
Wait a minute.
You knew it was me but you didn't say anything? Even after they wrapped your head in wedgie Y-fronts? And the Jizzinator? Why? You and me, we're brothers, right? Come on, we have to tell Rachael.
He's not going to get out unless you come up with a plan.
Me? - Yeah.
Why else do you think we came back here? - So you could apologise.
So that you could then come up with a brilliant plan.
What, like take out a super injunction? That's brilliant.
It isn't.
That sounds like an idea you'd have.
I'm talking about the idea I just had.
Flynn! Get out of the car.
Turns out I'm the man with the plan! Come on.
I really wouldn't give it a big build up, mate.
Deny, deny, deny.
No, wait, Flynn.
It's genius.
You use the Gala Event thing.
Kathie Lee wants you to give a speech, right? You get up on that stage and tell the world that you're not dying.
It was just a sick joke that got out of hand.
No, wait.
Bad idea.
But this is a good one.
You say it was a lie to get girls into bed.
What heartless bastard would do that? Actually mate, I think you could pull it off.
Yeah, me too.
Easy.
Hi, you're back.
Yeah, did you get my Yeah, my phone's been going crazy.
Rachael! Oh, my God, I just heard the news.
You're no longer Camp Guidance Counsellor.
Who told you that? Bobby.
He actually asked me to replace you.
I didn't know what to say.
What did you say? I said yes.
I hope you don't mind.
Not at all.
Why would I mind? OK good, cos, erm I think you might need this.
It gets really hot and greasy in that kitchen.
How many of these things did you send? You honestly didn't realise that I was gone? Oh, that's sweet.
You found the emoticon for a blowjob.
Round of applause for Kathie Lee, please.
I hate to be a party pooper but tonight is not just about fun.
You have all heard the terrible news that one of our most cherished counsellors is dying.
Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry, coming through.
Flynn, as he is affectionately known Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry, Kathie Lee.
Oh, hey! Oh, sorry What's going on? Sorry, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt, but I've got some important news.
Is Flynn all right? Yes.
Yes, he is.
In fact, he's never felt better.
He's cured? No, no, no.
He's not been cured.
Because he was never ill in the first place! What? Asshole.
Was this Barry's idea? Yep.
He's not dying! Yeah.
It was just an elaborate ruse just to get girls into bed.
Come on, we've all lied for sex! Rachael! I have something important to tell you.
Where's the magic show? Ow! Rachael, I have to talk to you.
Seriously? You honestly think this is going to work? Rachael! Thurston, just not now.
But I did a bad thing and it's all my fault and I just want to admit it! And then it's done with.
I don't think so! Right.
It's never as bad as you think it's going to be.
Are you sure about that? Flynn.
Rachael! Hello, Thurston.
This is your fault, Hope.
You spread the news.
You got Rachael fired, and I'm going to tell Bobby.
Oh yeah? Well, he won't believe you.
All right, all right.
Pipe down.
The truth is, erm I am dying.
This is not from a car crash or a shark attack or a knife fight.
It's the disease.
My arm doesn't work anymore.
Now, I know you all mean well.
You're American, so you'll probably want to give me a hug, or write a blog, or start an ALS awareness day or something, but all I want is for you all to just be British about it.
By that I mean don't mention it at all.
You say nothing.
Act like nothing's ever happened, all right? Before I go as in offstage, not die.
I want to say a big thank you to my closest friends, Barry and A-Rab.
In spite of the fact you've been acting like pricks recently.
Now, a big thank you in Britain is a handshake or a barely perceptible nod of the head, but we're not in Britain, are we? No.
We're in America.
Yeah.
California! Yeah! So I want each and every one of you to come up here and give these boys a big Beaver Falls hug.
Come on, all of you, right now! Hug! Hug! Hug! Not just the pretty girls, either, but the geeks, the sweaty kids, the juvies, get in there and invade their personal space! Get your fat ass moving, bro! Not again! Pam? How could you do this to me? You promised me.
Never again, you said! Bobby Jefferson, you are a liar and a serial adulterer.
None of this happened.
And what about the stripper? Did that never happen? I Did he tell you that this marriage was a sham too? Run, Kathie Lee! Run while you still can! Kathie Lee? Kathie Lee! Second chances? Home! Now! Wait.
What?! You too, Randy.
I'm not staying another second in this den of iniquity.
Say what? A-Rab, help! I need to talk to you! Thurston! Guards! OK, let go! All units on the bus, right now! Let go! Thurston! I know who the rat is! Thurston! Where are they taking Thurston? We're pulling out.
Thurston! Randy, put that finger down! Thurston! Move, let's move! Come on, quick, he's on the other side.
On the bus! Let's go! Back on the bus! Hustle, come on! Thurston! A-Rab! What d'you want to tell me?! You can't trust Hope.
She's no good for you.
It's all her fault! I can't hear you, what? What did Thurston want? Don't know.
He said something about Hope.
Good old Thurston.
He stayed positive right till the end.
Forget it, Smallie.
He's gone.
Come on.
That was a nice speech.
Well, I couldn't have people thinking I had to stoop that low just to get a girl into bed, huh? You have a reputation to protect.
I found this great place for breakfast.
Please don't tell me you suddenly confronted your own mortality and decided you want a relationship.
Would that be a problem? If it's a relationship with me, then, yeah.
So this doesn't change anything? No.
You said you wanted people to act normal around you.
Well, this is me acting normal.
I'll just have to make do with sex then, huh? That's right.
What the fuck does A-Rab have in this thing? Thurston? I wish.
I know it's only been a couple of hours, but I miss his sad little face.
Good to be back? Yeah.
Welcome home.
So no Kimberley tonight, then? Mmm-mmm.
I thought you'd be, er Well yeah, I would have been.
But I want to be up here with you, don't I? Yeah, me too.
I said the same thing to Hope.
Mates before muff, right? Absolutely.
Where's Flynn? PJ.
Barry, would you mind Nope, don't mind at all.
- See you in the morning.
- See ya.
Let's hear it for Pam.
50 and still going strong! I am not 50! Childish.
She deserves it.
My dad's paying a surprise visit.
- When does he get here? - He's already arrived.
Dad, this is my co-worker.
Why are you pretending to your dad that you're still with Jake? Is that repressed? Oh, God! Awkward.
Hope, what are you doing here? Oops! Hope just wants to get to know you, Rach.
It's OK.
I know.
Barry Is it mine? What?