Better Off Ted (2009) s02e02 Episode Script
The Lawyer, The Lemur and the Little Listener
when you work for a company As demanding as veridian dynamics, It's important to make time to have a personal life.
She seemed nice.
That was nadine.
Oh, good.
So you know each other.
Yeah, she's one of the company's lawyers.
Sorry for not introducing you.
Your tongue was kinda busy, All up inside her mouth.
She's amazing.
It's just that we both work such long hours, It's hard to find time to go out.
So we usually meet in her office, Where she has a door that closes And a closet where we can hang our clothes So we're crisp and fresh after we've soiled each other.
The only time I've ever been naked in this building Remember when those super lice got out And tried to colonize me? Mm-hmm.
This is more fun than that.
Hey there, bloopity-bloo.
Oopity-bo? It's a nickname I came up with for you, Right off the top of my head.
Hmm.
So what made you get high before work this morning? I'm high on life, ted.
You know how I've been trying to write children's books? I just sold one.
Really? Well, congratulations.
I sent a chapter To a bunch of publishers, and one of them bought it.
I may have a whole new career entertaining children Instead of working for a place that uses them To assemble munitions.
Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone? No, but really, that-- that's great.
So is this the story With the little forest creature who looks like phil? He's a lemur.
And he doesn't look anything like phil.
Their markings are completely different.
Hey, guys.
ooh, bananas! I love bananas.
Oh, god.
I stuck a tail on phil and put him in a tree.
He's gonna hate that.
Oh, go talk to him.
Maybe he'll like it.
But if he shows his teeth, I'd get the hell outta there.
Oh.
We all need a life outside of work.
Mine is compressed into one perfect, Conveniently sized bundle.
Daddy! Hey, come here.
Oh.
How's your day, sweetie? Awesome.
Cammy threw up, And then aaron oberlander slipped in it, and then Oh.
Grace t.
Hit grace h.
, And then grace s.
Put gum in grace t's hair.
And then there were crying graces everywhere What's great about having rose in after-care at work Is we see more of each other.
The downside is, I hear a lot of boring stories About the children of my coworkers.
And then grace told me that billy's dad is getting fired.
His name is larry pancake.
Honey, there's nobody at the company Named larry pancake or anybody else named after food.
What about taco tony in the cafeteria? Well, that was just a nickname, And we don't call him that anymore.
When he moved to the salad bar, it just sounded racist.
The company has started another round of downsizing.
There's blood on the cheap, industrial carpets.
Some guy in pete's r&d department Just got laid off.
Really? His name wasn't larry pancake, was it? That's racist, ted.
Legal says we can't make fun of people's names anymore, Even if it's hilarious.
The guy's name was larry pancow.
Larry pancow? Yesterday in after-care, rose heard That someone named larry pancake was gonna lose his job.
She knew? How could she have known ahead of time Something that confidential? One of the kids was talking about it.
If rose could tell us who's about to be laid off, We could save their jobs.
Being fired around here is not pretty.
Veronica did have a point.
Wh h.
R.
Decides it wants somebody terminated We're go on larry pancow.
The extraction team swings into action, Descending on the unwitting employee before he or she Can remove any sensitive information Worth millions to our competitors.
Larry pancow.
When they lay people off in my department It makes me look weak, like my people are expendable.
Come on, ted.
You're a people person.
Th rose's help, we could save people.
Isn't that the kind of thing you "people" people do? Okay.
There are a lot of good peop here, And I'd like to save their jobs.
We can have one conversation with rose.
Gently.
Fine.
Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw And scoop out her sweet white meat of information.
- Gently.
-I know you don't like to eat children, But it's that kind of talk And your cottage in the woods made of candy That keeps those rumors alive.
My paycheck is a little light this week.
- Is yours? - I never open it before I give it to my wife.
She doesn't like me snooping into our finances.
Hey, guys.
- I sold one of my children's books.
Yay.
- Congratulations.
That's great.
And the coolest part is, it has a character That doesn't look like anyone you've ever seen.
Don't you agree? And wouldn't it be fun to sign a release to that effect? Oh, my god.
It's me.
It's not you, you egomaniac.
I love it.
Okay, it's you.
See, lem? I told you I'd look good with a tail.
Not as good as I'd look with antlers.
Of course, I'd have to cut the top off my car, But it would be totally worth it, even in a rain.
You better make sure The company doesn't find out about your book.
Yeah, our employment contracts Say that anything we create Automatically belongs to veridian.
But I thought that just meant, like, science-y stuff.
Anything we create--science, Literature, poetry, a mournful ballad.
Even a hearty fish chowder I brought to a company picnic.
Verian sold the recipe to the f.
A.
A.
Now they use it to spray down a tarmac When a plane's coming in for a hard landing.
I was gonna work on it while I was here Because I'm under a really tight deadline, But I can't risk the company taking it away from me.
What am I gonna do? You guys are thinking about antlers and tails, aren't you? Why do animals get all the best stuff attached to their bodies? I would love to have a blowhole.
So tasha threw hamster poo at molly, And she started crying because some of it got on her grapes.
And grapes are molly's ninth favorite fruit, After peaches Pears Mangoes Oh, my god, your life is trivial.
How do you stand it? Veronica, we're being gentle, remember? Less hulk, more bruce banner.
Come on, kid.
How did you know about - larry pancake getting fired? - Grace hutchens told me.
Grace hutchens? That must be bert hutchens' kid.
Well, that makes sense.
Bert is head of human resources.
She must have overhead something at home.
What else did grace say? Is anyone else losing their jobs? - I don't remember.
- You don't or you won't? Veronica.
Honey, if you don't remember something, That's perfectly okay.
I think grace said somebody named Paul is also getting fired.
Was it paul spielman? Think, honey! Think! Or veronica will Inappropriately pressure you again.
Pretty sure it was paul spielman.
Oh, my god.
Not paul spielman.
- You have no idea who paul spielman is.
- Not even a little.
He's one of our department's best engineers.
And they're just gonna throw him out on the street With no consideration for how weak that's gonna make me look? Paul might not like it either, You know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Fine, I'm insensitive.
I can live with that.
But we have to save paul's job.
Not wanting the company to know about her book, Linda decided working on it at the office Would be too risky.
Where are you going? Bathroom.
With all your stuff? I meant my bathroom at home.
I don't feel well.
So I need to go home for a few days And use the bathroom.
Yeah, that hangs together.
No, it doesn't.
If I had more time, I'd bat you around like a cat toy.
But I have to save some guy's job.
So do whatever you want, because I don't care.
Now that hangs together.
Veronica.
Ugh! There are employees everywhere.
It's like I'm walking through spiderwebs.
Do you know why my paycheck is a little light this week? that's the code for the company's legal services.
Apparently you spent four hours With one of our attorneys last week.
Well, I've been seeing nadine webson, But we haven't been doing anything legal.
Wait.
Let me rephrase that.
All attorneys hours have to be billed somewhere.
The company doesn't care if you're estate planning Or drilling her like an oil well.
If you're spending time with a veridian lawyer, You have to pay for it.
But that's reducing my relationship With this beautiful, intelligent woman to-- $300 an hour.
I'm sorry to barge in, nadine.
But I just heard the strangest thing.
Apparently the company charges me whenever we're together.
Which means every time I have sex with you, I have to pay for it.
Oh, my god.
That's outrageous.
I-I know.
It's so Naughty? Okay.
Naughty.
But--but--but doesn't it also seem-- Extremely naughty? Purr.
Mm.
You argue cases with that mouth? Mm-hmm.
Oh! Armed with information about spielman, Veronica and I went into action to save his job.
The sky hammer missile system is the ultimate stealth weapon, Featuring our patented hush-a-boom technology.
Hush-a-boom When your army wants to get in and out Without waking the neighbors.
Fantastic.
War just keeps getting better.
Thank you, but we really should give credit To our engineer-- steven spielberg.
Paul spielman.
Paul spielman.
We shouldn't even call it the sky hammer.
We should call it the spielman.
Because that's the man's name.
Spielman, huh? Why don't you stop that thing we were talking about? That's a no-go on spielman.
I repeat-- no-go on spielman.
Copy that.
The bird goes back in the nest, fellas.
Have a nice day, sir.
If we go past 4:00, do I have to pay for the full hour Or do they bill by the quarter? I don't know.
I don't handle the money.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck I don't like my work life And my life with rose to overlap, But since it was just this one time, It's hard to see the harm.
Goose.
children So adorable.
In a way, they're like people.
Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.
So good news about saving spielman.
Yes.
It's a shame to let a resource like rose Go to waste, isn't it? No, it's not.
It's fine.
Because we agreed we were gonna do this once.
Right.
We're saving people.
Why would anyone ever want to do Something heroic like that more than once? Veronica-- I get it, ted.
If it had been up to you, It wouldn't have been "schindler's list.
" It would've been "schindler's guy.
" Okay, how does the story end? Come on.
Think.
Back to basics.
Lemur.
Nothing.
Hey, linda.
I just thought I'd stop by on my way home And see what amazing adventures My lemur brother from another mother is up to.
He's up to nothing.
He stared at me as I ate a carton of ice cream And then judged me - As I watched four back-to-back episodes of "alf.
"- well, maybe I can help.
Oh, I once had an affair with a 73-year-old woman.
Can you use that? Only to vomit up the ice cream.
I didn't have to come here, you know? I'm sorry, phil.
I-it's just What if I can't do this? Maybe I'm really not a writer.
What if I end up just some product tester Working for a soulless company With a half-finished lemur story in her drawer? What a cliché.
You can do this, linda.
Okay, what do you have so far? The lemur feels stifled, living his small, Uninspired life in his little tree.
His friends rally around him and help him find the courage To go off and seek his fortune.
Okay.
What if he geta summer job Driving a van for meals on wheels And meets a sexuallydventurous elderly lemur Who roughly takes his virginity? Thanks for stopping by, phil.
Wait.
Why does the lemur need to leave the tree anyway? Because the tree is stifling And the linda has a dream-- the lemur-- The lemur has a dream, And she--me--he knows there's more to life.
Why would he want tay in a little, tiny tree? Maybe because that's where all his friends are.
No, you said the other lemurs rally around and help him.
Maybe that makes him decide he should stay.
That's it.
That's the perfect ending.
The lemur realizes He doesn't need to go off and seek his fortune Yeah.
Because the only fortune anyone ever needs Is friendship.
Oh.
And when you have that, you wouldn't leave it For all the adventure in the world.
Suck it, veridian! I am rich and outta here! I was just in the neighborhood And thought rose might enjoy some pizza.
I don't usually feed rose pizza At 11:30 on a school night while she's asleep.
But everyone's happy to wake up for pizza or candy Or a signed photograph of zac efron.
There she is.
What's the matter, honey? You couldn't sleep because you were worried There might be more cutbacks in our department, And that might reflect badly on me? No.
Somebody out here isn't using hush-a-boom technology.
Veronica, I told you, we're not pumping rose For any more information.
I don't know anything else anyway.
I told you all the new stuff I heard at dinner.
I-I couldn't resist.
I like saving people.
I make no apologies.
I'm sorry.
oh, my god.
What a hypocrite.
I feel like I don't know you.
Fake outrage.
moving on.
What did you get out of her? Okay, here's the deal-- Jeffrey bouchard's daughter told rose That their family's moving on Saturday.
Th're going to seattle.
Jeffrey bouchard.
Another engineer.
There's a picture of you two on your office wall.
People always want to have their pictures taken with me, ted.
I'm like a sunset.
Anyway, why is my new best friend jeffrey bouchard Suddenly moving to-- wait a minute.
Zell industries is in seattle.
Yes, and they're developing a missile system Very similar to the sky hammer.
Bouchard is planning to steal hush-a-boom technology And jump ship.
How could he do this? And after I let him use me like a sunset.
Well, you better take his picture down.
Maybe put it in your drawer next to the one Of you and saddam hussein riding that tandem bike.
Yeah.
That was before he got weird.
The next day, bright and early, Jeffrey bouchard got a little surprise.
Jeffrey bouchard We've got a rabbit.
Aah! Oh, that's jeffrey bouchard.
I love it when they run.
Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Now I'm hungry.
Nadine? I'll be right out.
Can't wait tsee you.
I mean it.
Hurry.
Oh, boy.
It's gonna me 300 bucks just to get you outta that rig.
I thought you would like this.
No, I do, I do.
It's sexy.
You know what would be really sexy? If you could do some work for another billable client While I take it off you.
That would be fraud.
So now you're asking me to commit a crime for you.
A naughty, naughty crime.
Purr.
Purr.
Okay, first of all, you can't just say "purr.
" You actually have to make the sound.
And that's not even my biggest problem With all of this.
Phil.
Oh, my god.
I just got off the phone with my mom.
She saw my lemur on the internet.
I'm on the internet! Shh.
The company can't find out about this.
They'll take it away from me.
I just turned in my manuscript, And my publisher is already promoting it.
I could help promote it.
I'm a pretty decent ice skater.
Maybe I could have my own capade.
Oh, you will have a capade, my friend.
My mom said it's on some asian web site.
Your mom is really tech savvy.
That is so hot.
Why did I say that? Oh, look! There he is.
Oh.
Oh, he's so cute.
yum yum! What is he doing? yum yum! I don't know.
It looks like it's yum yum! An ad.
yum yum! For beer.
Yum yum! for children.
So you have a good afternoon.
Remember, your main job is to have fun.
But if you happen to hear anything-- Day, I'm going to concentrate on vanessa.
There's something going on there.
I want to report a children's book That a veridian employee sold to another company.
I demand veridian take possession of it immediately And not punish the person who wrote it.
I feel very strongly about that last part.
Is this about that book you were writing While you were pretending to be sick? How did you-- All I have to do is look at phil, And he tells me everything, Even things I don't want to know, Like his time-saving system for washing his legs.
I just found out My publisher is owned by a huge, evil conglomerate That's using my character to sell beer to children in asia.
God, I love asia.
There's no regulation on anything.
Did you know companies there can just shoot a man in the street? I heard that at a conference About reasons to move your business to asia.
I know.
They make it crazy hard to kill anyone here.
I want my country back.
Anyway, if the company takes ownership of my book, They can stop these ads, right? Yes, but it'll be tied up in litigation for years.
Your book's not gonna be your ticket outta here.
I have no choice.
Look at you.
You were so anxious to get away from this place, And now you have a problem And who do you come running to for help? The company.
The glorious company.
Say it with me.
The glorious company.
I'm kidding.
I just wanted to see if you'd do it.
Now say-- veronica.
So linda didn't get to quit her day job.
But like her lemur, she realized She could find something nice about where she already was.
"and the lemur said to all of his friends in the forest, "'I love you guys, even you, lion, Who devoured my friend keith.
'" - rose.
- And I realized maybe using rose's help To know what's going on around here isn't such a bad thing.
So anything interesting happen today? Oh, yeah.
I found out something funny.
Amy bouchard's father wasn't taking her to seattle.
He's taking her to see cattle.
She isn't moving away.
Her dad just likes looking at cows.
Uh Daddy's gotta go fix something.
So why don't you go listen to the rest of that book? And no more spying.
It's my fault, but you shouldn't do it.
Now don't let it worry you, but daddy's gonna turn And run away as fast as he can.
our team Over 100,000 strong And we love all of them.
Unless they cross us.
Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them, Because that's love, too Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Ever Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Ever, Seriously.
Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Ever, Seriously.
Just Don't.
Jeffrey, there is no question bad things were ne to you, And there is also no question whose fault it was.
Ted.
I got tasered, ted.
- I know, and I'm very sorry.
A-and if there's any way I can make it up to you Maybe you can.
Let me see that taser you got.
Oh, jeffrey I'm so sorry!
She seemed nice.
That was nadine.
Oh, good.
So you know each other.
Yeah, she's one of the company's lawyers.
Sorry for not introducing you.
Your tongue was kinda busy, All up inside her mouth.
She's amazing.
It's just that we both work such long hours, It's hard to find time to go out.
So we usually meet in her office, Where she has a door that closes And a closet where we can hang our clothes So we're crisp and fresh after we've soiled each other.
The only time I've ever been naked in this building Remember when those super lice got out And tried to colonize me? Mm-hmm.
This is more fun than that.
Hey there, bloopity-bloo.
Oopity-bo? It's a nickname I came up with for you, Right off the top of my head.
Hmm.
So what made you get high before work this morning? I'm high on life, ted.
You know how I've been trying to write children's books? I just sold one.
Really? Well, congratulations.
I sent a chapter To a bunch of publishers, and one of them bought it.
I may have a whole new career entertaining children Instead of working for a place that uses them To assemble munitions.
Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone? No, but really, that-- that's great.
So is this the story With the little forest creature who looks like phil? He's a lemur.
And he doesn't look anything like phil.
Their markings are completely different.
Hey, guys.
ooh, bananas! I love bananas.
Oh, god.
I stuck a tail on phil and put him in a tree.
He's gonna hate that.
Oh, go talk to him.
Maybe he'll like it.
But if he shows his teeth, I'd get the hell outta there.
Oh.
We all need a life outside of work.
Mine is compressed into one perfect, Conveniently sized bundle.
Daddy! Hey, come here.
Oh.
How's your day, sweetie? Awesome.
Cammy threw up, And then aaron oberlander slipped in it, and then Oh.
Grace t.
Hit grace h.
, And then grace s.
Put gum in grace t's hair.
And then there were crying graces everywhere What's great about having rose in after-care at work Is we see more of each other.
The downside is, I hear a lot of boring stories About the children of my coworkers.
And then grace told me that billy's dad is getting fired.
His name is larry pancake.
Honey, there's nobody at the company Named larry pancake or anybody else named after food.
What about taco tony in the cafeteria? Well, that was just a nickname, And we don't call him that anymore.
When he moved to the salad bar, it just sounded racist.
The company has started another round of downsizing.
There's blood on the cheap, industrial carpets.
Some guy in pete's r&d department Just got laid off.
Really? His name wasn't larry pancake, was it? That's racist, ted.
Legal says we can't make fun of people's names anymore, Even if it's hilarious.
The guy's name was larry pancow.
Larry pancow? Yesterday in after-care, rose heard That someone named larry pancake was gonna lose his job.
She knew? How could she have known ahead of time Something that confidential? One of the kids was talking about it.
If rose could tell us who's about to be laid off, We could save their jobs.
Being fired around here is not pretty.
Veronica did have a point.
Wh h.
R.
Decides it wants somebody terminated We're go on larry pancow.
The extraction team swings into action, Descending on the unwitting employee before he or she Can remove any sensitive information Worth millions to our competitors.
Larry pancow.
When they lay people off in my department It makes me look weak, like my people are expendable.
Come on, ted.
You're a people person.
Th rose's help, we could save people.
Isn't that the kind of thing you "people" people do? Okay.
There are a lot of good peop here, And I'd like to save their jobs.
We can have one conversation with rose.
Gently.
Fine.
Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw And scoop out her sweet white meat of information.
- Gently.
-I know you don't like to eat children, But it's that kind of talk And your cottage in the woods made of candy That keeps those rumors alive.
My paycheck is a little light this week.
- Is yours? - I never open it before I give it to my wife.
She doesn't like me snooping into our finances.
Hey, guys.
- I sold one of my children's books.
Yay.
- Congratulations.
That's great.
And the coolest part is, it has a character That doesn't look like anyone you've ever seen.
Don't you agree? And wouldn't it be fun to sign a release to that effect? Oh, my god.
It's me.
It's not you, you egomaniac.
I love it.
Okay, it's you.
See, lem? I told you I'd look good with a tail.
Not as good as I'd look with antlers.
Of course, I'd have to cut the top off my car, But it would be totally worth it, even in a rain.
You better make sure The company doesn't find out about your book.
Yeah, our employment contracts Say that anything we create Automatically belongs to veridian.
But I thought that just meant, like, science-y stuff.
Anything we create--science, Literature, poetry, a mournful ballad.
Even a hearty fish chowder I brought to a company picnic.
Verian sold the recipe to the f.
A.
A.
Now they use it to spray down a tarmac When a plane's coming in for a hard landing.
I was gonna work on it while I was here Because I'm under a really tight deadline, But I can't risk the company taking it away from me.
What am I gonna do? You guys are thinking about antlers and tails, aren't you? Why do animals get all the best stuff attached to their bodies? I would love to have a blowhole.
So tasha threw hamster poo at molly, And she started crying because some of it got on her grapes.
And grapes are molly's ninth favorite fruit, After peaches Pears Mangoes Oh, my god, your life is trivial.
How do you stand it? Veronica, we're being gentle, remember? Less hulk, more bruce banner.
Come on, kid.
How did you know about - larry pancake getting fired? - Grace hutchens told me.
Grace hutchens? That must be bert hutchens' kid.
Well, that makes sense.
Bert is head of human resources.
She must have overhead something at home.
What else did grace say? Is anyone else losing their jobs? - I don't remember.
- You don't or you won't? Veronica.
Honey, if you don't remember something, That's perfectly okay.
I think grace said somebody named Paul is also getting fired.
Was it paul spielman? Think, honey! Think! Or veronica will Inappropriately pressure you again.
Pretty sure it was paul spielman.
Oh, my god.
Not paul spielman.
- You have no idea who paul spielman is.
- Not even a little.
He's one of our department's best engineers.
And they're just gonna throw him out on the street With no consideration for how weak that's gonna make me look? Paul might not like it either, You know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Fine, I'm insensitive.
I can live with that.
But we have to save paul's job.
Not wanting the company to know about her book, Linda decided working on it at the office Would be too risky.
Where are you going? Bathroom.
With all your stuff? I meant my bathroom at home.
I don't feel well.
So I need to go home for a few days And use the bathroom.
Yeah, that hangs together.
No, it doesn't.
If I had more time, I'd bat you around like a cat toy.
But I have to save some guy's job.
So do whatever you want, because I don't care.
Now that hangs together.
Veronica.
Ugh! There are employees everywhere.
It's like I'm walking through spiderwebs.
Do you know why my paycheck is a little light this week? that's the code for the company's legal services.
Apparently you spent four hours With one of our attorneys last week.
Well, I've been seeing nadine webson, But we haven't been doing anything legal.
Wait.
Let me rephrase that.
All attorneys hours have to be billed somewhere.
The company doesn't care if you're estate planning Or drilling her like an oil well.
If you're spending time with a veridian lawyer, You have to pay for it.
But that's reducing my relationship With this beautiful, intelligent woman to-- $300 an hour.
I'm sorry to barge in, nadine.
But I just heard the strangest thing.
Apparently the company charges me whenever we're together.
Which means every time I have sex with you, I have to pay for it.
Oh, my god.
That's outrageous.
I-I know.
It's so Naughty? Okay.
Naughty.
But--but--but doesn't it also seem-- Extremely naughty? Purr.
Mm.
You argue cases with that mouth? Mm-hmm.
Oh! Armed with information about spielman, Veronica and I went into action to save his job.
The sky hammer missile system is the ultimate stealth weapon, Featuring our patented hush-a-boom technology.
Hush-a-boom When your army wants to get in and out Without waking the neighbors.
Fantastic.
War just keeps getting better.
Thank you, but we really should give credit To our engineer-- steven spielberg.
Paul spielman.
Paul spielman.
We shouldn't even call it the sky hammer.
We should call it the spielman.
Because that's the man's name.
Spielman, huh? Why don't you stop that thing we were talking about? That's a no-go on spielman.
I repeat-- no-go on spielman.
Copy that.
The bird goes back in the nest, fellas.
Have a nice day, sir.
If we go past 4:00, do I have to pay for the full hour Or do they bill by the quarter? I don't know.
I don't handle the money.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck I don't like my work life And my life with rose to overlap, But since it was just this one time, It's hard to see the harm.
Goose.
children So adorable.
In a way, they're like people.
Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.
So good news about saving spielman.
Yes.
It's a shame to let a resource like rose Go to waste, isn't it? No, it's not.
It's fine.
Because we agreed we were gonna do this once.
Right.
We're saving people.
Why would anyone ever want to do Something heroic like that more than once? Veronica-- I get it, ted.
If it had been up to you, It wouldn't have been "schindler's list.
" It would've been "schindler's guy.
" Okay, how does the story end? Come on.
Think.
Back to basics.
Lemur.
Nothing.
Hey, linda.
I just thought I'd stop by on my way home And see what amazing adventures My lemur brother from another mother is up to.
He's up to nothing.
He stared at me as I ate a carton of ice cream And then judged me - As I watched four back-to-back episodes of "alf.
"- well, maybe I can help.
Oh, I once had an affair with a 73-year-old woman.
Can you use that? Only to vomit up the ice cream.
I didn't have to come here, you know? I'm sorry, phil.
I-it's just What if I can't do this? Maybe I'm really not a writer.
What if I end up just some product tester Working for a soulless company With a half-finished lemur story in her drawer? What a cliché.
You can do this, linda.
Okay, what do you have so far? The lemur feels stifled, living his small, Uninspired life in his little tree.
His friends rally around him and help him find the courage To go off and seek his fortune.
Okay.
What if he geta summer job Driving a van for meals on wheels And meets a sexuallydventurous elderly lemur Who roughly takes his virginity? Thanks for stopping by, phil.
Wait.
Why does the lemur need to leave the tree anyway? Because the tree is stifling And the linda has a dream-- the lemur-- The lemur has a dream, And she--me--he knows there's more to life.
Why would he want tay in a little, tiny tree? Maybe because that's where all his friends are.
No, you said the other lemurs rally around and help him.
Maybe that makes him decide he should stay.
That's it.
That's the perfect ending.
The lemur realizes He doesn't need to go off and seek his fortune Yeah.
Because the only fortune anyone ever needs Is friendship.
Oh.
And when you have that, you wouldn't leave it For all the adventure in the world.
Suck it, veridian! I am rich and outta here! I was just in the neighborhood And thought rose might enjoy some pizza.
I don't usually feed rose pizza At 11:30 on a school night while she's asleep.
But everyone's happy to wake up for pizza or candy Or a signed photograph of zac efron.
There she is.
What's the matter, honey? You couldn't sleep because you were worried There might be more cutbacks in our department, And that might reflect badly on me? No.
Somebody out here isn't using hush-a-boom technology.
Veronica, I told you, we're not pumping rose For any more information.
I don't know anything else anyway.
I told you all the new stuff I heard at dinner.
I-I couldn't resist.
I like saving people.
I make no apologies.
I'm sorry.
oh, my god.
What a hypocrite.
I feel like I don't know you.
Fake outrage.
moving on.
What did you get out of her? Okay, here's the deal-- Jeffrey bouchard's daughter told rose That their family's moving on Saturday.
Th're going to seattle.
Jeffrey bouchard.
Another engineer.
There's a picture of you two on your office wall.
People always want to have their pictures taken with me, ted.
I'm like a sunset.
Anyway, why is my new best friend jeffrey bouchard Suddenly moving to-- wait a minute.
Zell industries is in seattle.
Yes, and they're developing a missile system Very similar to the sky hammer.
Bouchard is planning to steal hush-a-boom technology And jump ship.
How could he do this? And after I let him use me like a sunset.
Well, you better take his picture down.
Maybe put it in your drawer next to the one Of you and saddam hussein riding that tandem bike.
Yeah.
That was before he got weird.
The next day, bright and early, Jeffrey bouchard got a little surprise.
Jeffrey bouchard We've got a rabbit.
Aah! Oh, that's jeffrey bouchard.
I love it when they run.
Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Now I'm hungry.
Nadine? I'll be right out.
Can't wait tsee you.
I mean it.
Hurry.
Oh, boy.
It's gonna me 300 bucks just to get you outta that rig.
I thought you would like this.
No, I do, I do.
It's sexy.
You know what would be really sexy? If you could do some work for another billable client While I take it off you.
That would be fraud.
So now you're asking me to commit a crime for you.
A naughty, naughty crime.
Purr.
Purr.
Okay, first of all, you can't just say "purr.
" You actually have to make the sound.
And that's not even my biggest problem With all of this.
Phil.
Oh, my god.
I just got off the phone with my mom.
She saw my lemur on the internet.
I'm on the internet! Shh.
The company can't find out about this.
They'll take it away from me.
I just turned in my manuscript, And my publisher is already promoting it.
I could help promote it.
I'm a pretty decent ice skater.
Maybe I could have my own capade.
Oh, you will have a capade, my friend.
My mom said it's on some asian web site.
Your mom is really tech savvy.
That is so hot.
Why did I say that? Oh, look! There he is.
Oh.
Oh, he's so cute.
yum yum! What is he doing? yum yum! I don't know.
It looks like it's yum yum! An ad.
yum yum! For beer.
Yum yum! for children.
So you have a good afternoon.
Remember, your main job is to have fun.
But if you happen to hear anything-- Day, I'm going to concentrate on vanessa.
There's something going on there.
I want to report a children's book That a veridian employee sold to another company.
I demand veridian take possession of it immediately And not punish the person who wrote it.
I feel very strongly about that last part.
Is this about that book you were writing While you were pretending to be sick? How did you-- All I have to do is look at phil, And he tells me everything, Even things I don't want to know, Like his time-saving system for washing his legs.
I just found out My publisher is owned by a huge, evil conglomerate That's using my character to sell beer to children in asia.
God, I love asia.
There's no regulation on anything.
Did you know companies there can just shoot a man in the street? I heard that at a conference About reasons to move your business to asia.
I know.
They make it crazy hard to kill anyone here.
I want my country back.
Anyway, if the company takes ownership of my book, They can stop these ads, right? Yes, but it'll be tied up in litigation for years.
Your book's not gonna be your ticket outta here.
I have no choice.
Look at you.
You were so anxious to get away from this place, And now you have a problem And who do you come running to for help? The company.
The glorious company.
Say it with me.
The glorious company.
I'm kidding.
I just wanted to see if you'd do it.
Now say-- veronica.
So linda didn't get to quit her day job.
But like her lemur, she realized She could find something nice about where she already was.
"and the lemur said to all of his friends in the forest, "'I love you guys, even you, lion, Who devoured my friend keith.
'" - rose.
- And I realized maybe using rose's help To know what's going on around here isn't such a bad thing.
So anything interesting happen today? Oh, yeah.
I found out something funny.
Amy bouchard's father wasn't taking her to seattle.
He's taking her to see cattle.
She isn't moving away.
Her dad just likes looking at cows.
Uh Daddy's gotta go fix something.
So why don't you go listen to the rest of that book? And no more spying.
It's my fault, but you shouldn't do it.
Now don't let it worry you, but daddy's gonna turn And run away as fast as he can.
our team Over 100,000 strong And we love all of them.
Unless they cross us.
Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them, Because that's love, too Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Ever Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Ever, Seriously.
Veridian Dynamics.
Don't cross us Ever, Seriously.
Just Don't.
Jeffrey, there is no question bad things were ne to you, And there is also no question whose fault it was.
Ted.
I got tasered, ted.
- I know, and I'm very sorry.
A-and if there's any way I can make it up to you Maybe you can.
Let me see that taser you got.
Oh, jeffrey I'm so sorry!