Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s02e02 Episode Script
January 8, 2013 (2)
Hey, guy.
Hey, buddy.
Can you tell me, is there a car behind me? There's a car right there.
Oh, no? Okay.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop! [Alarm blaring.]
Stop.
Damn.
No, I said there was a car right there.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
[Twisted sister's "we're not gonna take it" plays.]
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Nailed it.
we're not gonna take it [Laughter.]
no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Ah-choo! no way we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Oh! Oh, hi, there.
I'm Betty White.
Welcome to my crib.
This is the kitchen.
The fridge is fully stocked with energy drinks and gluten-free Mac 'n' cheese.
Those are for the dog.
This is my state-of-the-art aquarium and my priceless tropical fish collection.
And this is where the magic happens.
What did you think I meant? Excuse me.
Could could you give me a hand here? I borrowed this thing from my grandson.
He loaned it to me, and I hooked it up to my computer, and I had some websites that I was looking at, and some of my pictures got on this his thing, and I'm meeting him in just a few minutes.
Could you see if you could delete some for me? I'm having a heck of a time.
Do you know how you got to turn it on.
Okay, yeah, I know how to do that.
Hit that thing.
And, then, I know I unlock it like that.
Yeah, oh, okay, there it is.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
Some sites that I I hope it doesn't embarrass you.
[Laughs.]
Okay, so how can I I don't know.
Do you know how to get to the photo part? Go to "hot stuff.
" Oh, that's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah, but why why [Laughs.]
I know.
I know.
I know.
From what I know, you're gonna press there, and you're gonna go back here.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
"Hot stuff," okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, okay.
Man: It gets worse? It gets a little bit worse.
Okay, so, pull down the albums.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, wow! Oh, wow! It gets much worse.
I got to meet him.
I don't know how to, uh hold on.
All right.
Oh, there you go.
Thank you so much for your help.
Okay.
Thank you.
Excuse me, guys, could you come over for just a second? I need a little help.
Do you know if there's an area where you can just get some rest for a while, the ground's are a little soft, you can just rest? Right there.
Yoga park right there.
You know what? I'm so tired.
Would you just help me lift this up on here? Okay.
Help! Help me! She's crazy! Okay.
He's your problem now.
Aaaaaaaaah! Hey, Betty, what you doing? I was just researching my family tree, and I was delighted to discover you and I are distant cousins.
Oh, my God.
Really? Oh, you know what that means.
Now I'm just one step away from your boyfriend.
You Kardashians share everything, right? Back off, Betty.
Oh, a family feud.
[Laughs.]
I just love being a Kardashian.
Lou: Sir? Could you help me a minute, please? I'm having a little trouble trying to dial this thing.
Okay, what are you doing? Would you just, you know, punch in the number for me? And then put "send.
" Okay.
Here, here.
Hold on to it.
It's 4-0-7 Yeah, 4-0-7 again.
And then 1-1-1.
That's not Yeah, but it is for me, anyway.
Then press "send.
" Send send sent.
Okay, great.
Now, look.
Just take a look at that.
Oh.
What the and they can't catch me.
You know why? Because your fingerprints are on this.
Yes.
[Laughs.]
Yes.
I've been a bad boy.
Are we rich now? - * we're not gonna take it anymore * - Ooh! That's good.
- No.
- Yes.
- Where's Betty? - Beats me.
I don't know.
She said she'd be dropping in about now.
[Thud.]
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Well, that was fun.
Now I can cross two things off my bucket list.
Skydiving and? Oh, I joined the mile-high club while I was up there, too.
Yes! [Clears throat.]
Deal me in.
Good morning.
Hi.
Ah, I've got to tell you, we don't allow the downloading of pornography on our wi-fi, so I'm gonna have to ask you to cancel what you have on now.
I don't have porn.
Well I'm on Facebook, e-mailing my friends.
Well, I'm sure you don't "download" pornography, but Are you joking right now? No, I'm not joking.
You can look at my phone.
We have a monitor in the back that says what people are watching.
I absolutely swear to God.
Well, I'm just letting you know we don't allow it.
I swear to God, sir.
I don't download pornography when my wife is out of town, but listen, I'm just that's all I'm saying, so just enjoy your coffee.
Did you guys eat here? No.
The prices are so outrageous.
Oh, yeah.
I have a really good deal for you.
You want to buy a hot dog? - Oh, no, thank you.
- Okay? Just $1.
50.
$1.
50.
Okay? I got buns.
$1 for the buns, $1.
50.
I'm a full-service guy.
Hey, I got condiments in my pocket.
You sure? You girls get hungry, just check for me later.
I'll be the guy in the trench coat, okay? Thanks a lot.
Hot dogs! [Sighs.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
How's your day going? It's going good.
How about you? I started with a cold shower because I didn't have any water hot water.
And then I couldn't find my cat, and then the convent texted me and told me that I was late for a meeting.
[Bleep.]
my life! Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe I said that.
I have never said a swear word before now.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
No, it's not.
[Sighs.]
- Do you swear? - Not really.
Well, if you did, would you say a swear word now so I won't feel quite as guilty as I do? Would you help an old nun out? Would it make you feel better? - Yes, 100%.
- [Bleep.]
.
Can't you do better than that? [Bleep.]
.
Oh! You need to watch your mouth around nuns.
Excuse me, ladies.
Could you help me a minute? I'm trying to find something.
Hello.
I don't know.
I'm not from here.
We can try.
My wife told me to find this place, and I'm having a hard time trying to find it.
I don't know I don't know I don't know if it's a restaurant or if it's a spa.
What are you looking for? Well, it's called the G-spot.
I can't find it on the map.
Would you know where it is? Her ex-husband knew where it was, but I can't seem to find it.
Can you tell me what it is, please? The G-spot? I don't know if there's a place called that, but there's something that Well, I'm an older guy, and I'm very naive.
Just tell me what it is.
That's all.
She's always at me to get near it.
[Laughs.]
Here in Hollywood, everyone's always on a diet, so I finally figured I'd get on board and sign up for one that delivers every meal right to the door.
Okay, Miss White, I've got your three meals for today.
We have one case of Chardonnay, one triple-chocolate cake, and two deep-dish pizzas.
Perfect.
Would you put them back in the pantry? - Of course.
- Thank you.
[Sighs.]
You have no idea how we actresses suffer for our figures.
Excuse me.
I got an audition up here in like five minutes.
I was wondering if you had just a minute to run lines with me before I go in.
"Run lines"? What does that mean? That means, like, I'm rehearsing my lines before the audition.
They just gave me this.
If you'd take one second, I'd appreciate it.
Trying to make sense of it.
It helps to run it with someone.
So, I'm Joe, and you're Tiffany.
All right? I haven't made love to anyone after my first wife died, so you'll have to be patient with me.
It's just like riding a bike again.
Okay.
Just come over here and help me undress.
Wow! Your skin is it's so soft.
I want to do it with you all over the house.
Talk dirty to me.
You want it.
You know I do.
How do you want it? Hot and wet.
How hot? Very hot.
Oh, man! You are good! I got to thank listen, this is my first porno ever.
You might be looking at a new star.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
Excuse me.
- Yes? - I'm sorry to bother you.
My cellphone just died, and I need to make a call.
Can I borrow yours? Just take a second.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, that's great.
Hello? The psychic friendly network? Yes.
Yes.
I know it's $1.
99 a minute.
I need to know, madam, if I should marry this man who's asked me to marry him.
I've been going with him a long time.
No, he used to be blond.
Now he's gray.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know his shoe size.
You can't make phone calls for collect calls.
Oh, no.
I'll pay you for it afterwards.
And yes, I just need We don't want that on our phone bill.
Please.
But I'll pay you back! No.
Please hang up the phone.
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Whatever.
Rude! I n I need some help.
Is anybody there? Is anybody there? I need a little help.
Hello? Yeah, okay.
I had to buy this cake for my wife.
She's very particular.
It's her birthday cake.
Could you take a look and make sure that they did it right? See if it's an "I" or a "Y.
" Could you open it up, please? That would be great.
Is it an "I" or a "Y"? That's an "I.
" You like it? Fantastic.
Was it an "A" cup or a "C" cup.
I'd say "C.
" Boy, I'm gonna get lucky tonight.
Hee-hee-hee! Excuse me.
I'm having a petition signed today.
We are trying to cite people for unwanted smiling.
If I could get the two of you to sign this petition.
You know, there's entirely way too much smiling going on in this city today, and we want to cite them.
They would be fined $100, and it would help the city.
I don't know if I'd sign that one.
I don't think I can sign that one, unfortunately.
Well, you know, you guys are smiling.
I'm a bit of a smiler.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you really are smiling.
Don't you think that people should use smiling sparingly? I can't help it.
They just slip out sometimes.
And we need to go after the dentists, too, and that bleaching of teeth.
That is a gateway to smiling.
We need to stop that with those trays and things.
So, could you sign this petition, please? I don't think I can do that one.
I can't do it.
I'm very pro-smiling, ma'am.
I'm very sorry.
Well, you know what? You are part of the problem.
You are not part of the solution.
[Scoffs.]
Stop smiling! Mmm, Reatha! That smells delicious! What is it? Just a little something I cooked up for this new guy I'm seeing.
I got the recipe off the Internet.
It's supposed to make any guy who eats it want to rip the clothes off the first woman he sees.
[Both laugh.]
That must be some recipe.
Oh, something smells great.
Can I have a piece? Both: No! [Both shudder.]
Yahoo! Nailed it.
we're not gonna take it anymore Hi.
Hi.
- How are you? -Good.
- How are you doing today? - Oh, I'm good.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
I'm on vacation.
I'm on vacation.
- It's nice out.
- I know.
Are you on vacation, by chance? No, I actually work in that building right there.
Oh, you do? Yeah.
Is this your first time? Yes.
My first time.
Santa Monica's so beautiful.
- I know.
- It is.
It is.
But, you know, they say about L.
A.
being wild and crazy and all that.
Where's wild and crazy? That's what I want to know.
Go to maybe Hollywood.
I'm sure you're a wild and crazy guy.
Oh, I am.
Am I too old for crazy? No, not at all.
You're just perfect.
Yeah, you should go.
Well, you know what they say about, like you know, when I'm on vacation, I've been talking about this, like, you know, vacation romance or whatever.
Well, you said I wasn't too old for crazy, right? Not at all.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Listen, you're a very hot guy.
Thank you.
I am staying at a little motel on Ocean and 11th.
What I want to do is give you this.
I don't want your friend to see this.
Okay? I'm gonna give you this key.
Take this, please.
I'm gonna put it right here.
Could you think about it just for a half-hour or so? Sure.
Okay? Okay? All right, thanks.
Thank you so much.
I'll meet you there.
All right.
Johnny? Johnny? How are you? How are you? I don't know you.
I know you.
Don't you know me? - I don't know you.
- We know each other.
Oh, come on, you're such a prankster.
Give me a hug.
Just give me a hug.
Fine.
Give me a big hug.
- It's good to see you.
- I don't know you.
Good to see you.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you help me for a second? I want to eat this ice cream, this delightful treat, and can you just, like I can't reach it.
Can you just stick just for a second.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
[Moaning.]
More.
More, more.
Ow, brain freeze! Brain freeze! [Screaming.]
I can't believe you did that.
Oh, hello, there.
I'm just getting ready to go out on the town with my girlfriend.
Kim: Hey, Betty.
Well, what do you think? Oh, you look just darling.
Can I bag some hotties in this or what? [Laughs.]
Let me fix just one thing, though.
There.
Now you'll score.
Hey, buddy.
Can you tell me, is there a car behind me? There's a car right there.
Oh, no? Okay.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop! [Alarm blaring.]
Stop.
Damn.
No, I said there was a car right there.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
[Twisted sister's "we're not gonna take it" plays.]
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Nailed it.
we're not gonna take it [Laughter.]
no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Ah-choo! no way we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Oh! Oh, hi, there.
I'm Betty White.
Welcome to my crib.
This is the kitchen.
The fridge is fully stocked with energy drinks and gluten-free Mac 'n' cheese.
Those are for the dog.
This is my state-of-the-art aquarium and my priceless tropical fish collection.
And this is where the magic happens.
What did you think I meant? Excuse me.
Could could you give me a hand here? I borrowed this thing from my grandson.
He loaned it to me, and I hooked it up to my computer, and I had some websites that I was looking at, and some of my pictures got on this his thing, and I'm meeting him in just a few minutes.
Could you see if you could delete some for me? I'm having a heck of a time.
Do you know how you got to turn it on.
Okay, yeah, I know how to do that.
Hit that thing.
And, then, I know I unlock it like that.
Yeah, oh, okay, there it is.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
Some sites that I I hope it doesn't embarrass you.
[Laughs.]
Okay, so how can I I don't know.
Do you know how to get to the photo part? Go to "hot stuff.
" Oh, that's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah, but why why [Laughs.]
I know.
I know.
I know.
From what I know, you're gonna press there, and you're gonna go back here.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
"Hot stuff," okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, okay.
Man: It gets worse? It gets a little bit worse.
Okay, so, pull down the albums.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, wow! Oh, wow! It gets much worse.
I got to meet him.
I don't know how to, uh hold on.
All right.
Oh, there you go.
Thank you so much for your help.
Okay.
Thank you.
Excuse me, guys, could you come over for just a second? I need a little help.
Do you know if there's an area where you can just get some rest for a while, the ground's are a little soft, you can just rest? Right there.
Yoga park right there.
You know what? I'm so tired.
Would you just help me lift this up on here? Okay.
Help! Help me! She's crazy! Okay.
He's your problem now.
Aaaaaaaaah! Hey, Betty, what you doing? I was just researching my family tree, and I was delighted to discover you and I are distant cousins.
Oh, my God.
Really? Oh, you know what that means.
Now I'm just one step away from your boyfriend.
You Kardashians share everything, right? Back off, Betty.
Oh, a family feud.
[Laughs.]
I just love being a Kardashian.
Lou: Sir? Could you help me a minute, please? I'm having a little trouble trying to dial this thing.
Okay, what are you doing? Would you just, you know, punch in the number for me? And then put "send.
" Okay.
Here, here.
Hold on to it.
It's 4-0-7 Yeah, 4-0-7 again.
And then 1-1-1.
That's not Yeah, but it is for me, anyway.
Then press "send.
" Send send sent.
Okay, great.
Now, look.
Just take a look at that.
Oh.
What the and they can't catch me.
You know why? Because your fingerprints are on this.
Yes.
[Laughs.]
Yes.
I've been a bad boy.
Are we rich now? - * we're not gonna take it anymore * - Ooh! That's good.
- No.
- Yes.
- Where's Betty? - Beats me.
I don't know.
She said she'd be dropping in about now.
[Thud.]
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Well, that was fun.
Now I can cross two things off my bucket list.
Skydiving and? Oh, I joined the mile-high club while I was up there, too.
Yes! [Clears throat.]
Deal me in.
Good morning.
Hi.
Ah, I've got to tell you, we don't allow the downloading of pornography on our wi-fi, so I'm gonna have to ask you to cancel what you have on now.
I don't have porn.
Well I'm on Facebook, e-mailing my friends.
Well, I'm sure you don't "download" pornography, but Are you joking right now? No, I'm not joking.
You can look at my phone.
We have a monitor in the back that says what people are watching.
I absolutely swear to God.
Well, I'm just letting you know we don't allow it.
I swear to God, sir.
I don't download pornography when my wife is out of town, but listen, I'm just that's all I'm saying, so just enjoy your coffee.
Did you guys eat here? No.
The prices are so outrageous.
Oh, yeah.
I have a really good deal for you.
You want to buy a hot dog? - Oh, no, thank you.
- Okay? Just $1.
50.
$1.
50.
Okay? I got buns.
$1 for the buns, $1.
50.
I'm a full-service guy.
Hey, I got condiments in my pocket.
You sure? You girls get hungry, just check for me later.
I'll be the guy in the trench coat, okay? Thanks a lot.
Hot dogs! [Sighs.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
How's your day going? It's going good.
How about you? I started with a cold shower because I didn't have any water hot water.
And then I couldn't find my cat, and then the convent texted me and told me that I was late for a meeting.
[Bleep.]
my life! Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe I said that.
I have never said a swear word before now.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
No, it's not.
[Sighs.]
- Do you swear? - Not really.
Well, if you did, would you say a swear word now so I won't feel quite as guilty as I do? Would you help an old nun out? Would it make you feel better? - Yes, 100%.
- [Bleep.]
.
Can't you do better than that? [Bleep.]
.
Oh! You need to watch your mouth around nuns.
Excuse me, ladies.
Could you help me a minute? I'm trying to find something.
Hello.
I don't know.
I'm not from here.
We can try.
My wife told me to find this place, and I'm having a hard time trying to find it.
I don't know I don't know I don't know if it's a restaurant or if it's a spa.
What are you looking for? Well, it's called the G-spot.
I can't find it on the map.
Would you know where it is? Her ex-husband knew where it was, but I can't seem to find it.
Can you tell me what it is, please? The G-spot? I don't know if there's a place called that, but there's something that Well, I'm an older guy, and I'm very naive.
Just tell me what it is.
That's all.
She's always at me to get near it.
[Laughs.]
Here in Hollywood, everyone's always on a diet, so I finally figured I'd get on board and sign up for one that delivers every meal right to the door.
Okay, Miss White, I've got your three meals for today.
We have one case of Chardonnay, one triple-chocolate cake, and two deep-dish pizzas.
Perfect.
Would you put them back in the pantry? - Of course.
- Thank you.
[Sighs.]
You have no idea how we actresses suffer for our figures.
Excuse me.
I got an audition up here in like five minutes.
I was wondering if you had just a minute to run lines with me before I go in.
"Run lines"? What does that mean? That means, like, I'm rehearsing my lines before the audition.
They just gave me this.
If you'd take one second, I'd appreciate it.
Trying to make sense of it.
It helps to run it with someone.
So, I'm Joe, and you're Tiffany.
All right? I haven't made love to anyone after my first wife died, so you'll have to be patient with me.
It's just like riding a bike again.
Okay.
Just come over here and help me undress.
Wow! Your skin is it's so soft.
I want to do it with you all over the house.
Talk dirty to me.
You want it.
You know I do.
How do you want it? Hot and wet.
How hot? Very hot.
Oh, man! You are good! I got to thank listen, this is my first porno ever.
You might be looking at a new star.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
Excuse me.
- Yes? - I'm sorry to bother you.
My cellphone just died, and I need to make a call.
Can I borrow yours? Just take a second.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, that's great.
Hello? The psychic friendly network? Yes.
Yes.
I know it's $1.
99 a minute.
I need to know, madam, if I should marry this man who's asked me to marry him.
I've been going with him a long time.
No, he used to be blond.
Now he's gray.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know his shoe size.
You can't make phone calls for collect calls.
Oh, no.
I'll pay you for it afterwards.
And yes, I just need We don't want that on our phone bill.
Please.
But I'll pay you back! No.
Please hang up the phone.
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Whatever.
Rude! I n I need some help.
Is anybody there? Is anybody there? I need a little help.
Hello? Yeah, okay.
I had to buy this cake for my wife.
She's very particular.
It's her birthday cake.
Could you take a look and make sure that they did it right? See if it's an "I" or a "Y.
" Could you open it up, please? That would be great.
Is it an "I" or a "Y"? That's an "I.
" You like it? Fantastic.
Was it an "A" cup or a "C" cup.
I'd say "C.
" Boy, I'm gonna get lucky tonight.
Hee-hee-hee! Excuse me.
I'm having a petition signed today.
We are trying to cite people for unwanted smiling.
If I could get the two of you to sign this petition.
You know, there's entirely way too much smiling going on in this city today, and we want to cite them.
They would be fined $100, and it would help the city.
I don't know if I'd sign that one.
I don't think I can sign that one, unfortunately.
Well, you know, you guys are smiling.
I'm a bit of a smiler.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you really are smiling.
Don't you think that people should use smiling sparingly? I can't help it.
They just slip out sometimes.
And we need to go after the dentists, too, and that bleaching of teeth.
That is a gateway to smiling.
We need to stop that with those trays and things.
So, could you sign this petition, please? I don't think I can do that one.
I can't do it.
I'm very pro-smiling, ma'am.
I'm very sorry.
Well, you know what? You are part of the problem.
You are not part of the solution.
[Scoffs.]
Stop smiling! Mmm, Reatha! That smells delicious! What is it? Just a little something I cooked up for this new guy I'm seeing.
I got the recipe off the Internet.
It's supposed to make any guy who eats it want to rip the clothes off the first woman he sees.
[Both laugh.]
That must be some recipe.
Oh, something smells great.
Can I have a piece? Both: No! [Both shudder.]
Yahoo! Nailed it.
we're not gonna take it anymore Hi.
Hi.
- How are you? -Good.
- How are you doing today? - Oh, I'm good.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
I'm on vacation.
I'm on vacation.
- It's nice out.
- I know.
Are you on vacation, by chance? No, I actually work in that building right there.
Oh, you do? Yeah.
Is this your first time? Yes.
My first time.
Santa Monica's so beautiful.
- I know.
- It is.
It is.
But, you know, they say about L.
A.
being wild and crazy and all that.
Where's wild and crazy? That's what I want to know.
Go to maybe Hollywood.
I'm sure you're a wild and crazy guy.
Oh, I am.
Am I too old for crazy? No, not at all.
You're just perfect.
Yeah, you should go.
Well, you know what they say about, like you know, when I'm on vacation, I've been talking about this, like, you know, vacation romance or whatever.
Well, you said I wasn't too old for crazy, right? Not at all.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Listen, you're a very hot guy.
Thank you.
I am staying at a little motel on Ocean and 11th.
What I want to do is give you this.
I don't want your friend to see this.
Okay? I'm gonna give you this key.
Take this, please.
I'm gonna put it right here.
Could you think about it just for a half-hour or so? Sure.
Okay? Okay? All right, thanks.
Thank you so much.
I'll meet you there.
All right.
Johnny? Johnny? How are you? How are you? I don't know you.
I know you.
Don't you know me? - I don't know you.
- We know each other.
Oh, come on, you're such a prankster.
Give me a hug.
Just give me a hug.
Fine.
Give me a big hug.
- It's good to see you.
- I don't know you.
Good to see you.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you help me for a second? I want to eat this ice cream, this delightful treat, and can you just, like I can't reach it.
Can you just stick just for a second.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
[Moaning.]
More.
More, more.
Ow, brain freeze! Brain freeze! [Screaming.]
I can't believe you did that.
Oh, hello, there.
I'm just getting ready to go out on the town with my girlfriend.
Kim: Hey, Betty.
Well, what do you think? Oh, you look just darling.
Can I bag some hotties in this or what? [Laughs.]
Let me fix just one thing, though.
There.
Now you'll score.