Bewitched (1964) s02e02 Episode Script

Hi, there.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't mean to wake you up.
That's okay.
I have to get up anyway.
Mother's popping in.
Have you told her the news about the baby yet? - Well - Sam.
I've been sort of putting it off.
How do you? - How do you think she'll take it? - I don't know.
Somehow Mother doesn't strike me as the grandmother type.
Well, she's just gonna have to get used to it.
Now, you lie down for another hour.
I'm making breakfast.
But I'm not the least bit tired.
Expectant mothers are always tired.
Why fight it? But I'm not.
Really.
Now, honey, take it easy.
- You'll aggravate those back pains.
- I don't have any.
I'll get something for the morning sickness.
- I don't have morning sickness.
- Don't do that, honey.
I'll make the bed.
You mustn't strain yourself.
All right, Darrin.
But I'm fine.
Really I am.
I don't have any of the usual symptoms of pregnancy.
Not one.
Well, maybe one.
Oh, honey.
I was hoping you'd stay in bed.
- I was bringing up your breakfast.
- That's sweet but I don't want you cooking and cleaning up after me.
And I don't want you lifting a finger around here.
- How cute.
- You like that, huh? Now, you come on over here and take the load off our baby's feet.
Darrin, you're gonna spoil me.
Well, I already spoiled your figure, I might as well spoil the rest of you.
And here we are.
There's orange juice for vitamin C.
Hot cereal for protein.
And milk for good, strong bones.
And last but not least the food most important to an expectant mother's diet: Marvellous.
Honey, I think I've got a pretty good schedule figured out.
- What for? - Well, to help Where are you going? - For the butter.
- Oh, the butter.
I forgot.
Sit down.
Darrin, how can I convince you that I'm perfectly capable of doing these things? I'm not an invalid, I'm just expecting.
Sweetheart, I wouldn't be acting like this if you were just expecting but we're positive.
- Now, you promise to take it easy.
- All right, Darrin.
If it'll make you happy, you can do all the work.
But now you've got to promise me something.
Anything.
What? When they wheel me into the delivery room, you let me take over.
Okay, you got yourself a deal.
Darrin? Would you check these layouts on the Stanwyck account? Yeah, sure, Larry.
Darrin? I had two eggs for lunch that looked better than your eyes.
Well, I didn't get much sleep last night, Larry.
Having a baby is pretty rough on a guy.
Already? You just found out you were gonna be a father.
- I know.
But - No buts, Darrin.
It's only rough if you let it get rough.
Louise just had a baby, remember? So I've been through this diaper derby.
You know, some women will pull any trick in the book if they think they can get away with it.
Larry, I appreciate your interest, but there really isn't any problem.
Darrin, I'm only telling you this for your own good.
You've got to be firm with Sam.
Indifferent.
You know, stop all this catering to her.
Okay, Larry.
After I cook dinner tonight, I'll flatly refuse to mop the floor.
Go ahead, make jokes.
But I've read up on this motherhood routine.
Actually, a well-known doctor has written a book on the subject: The Joy of Labour for Labour's Sak e.
The more active the mother, the more she does for herself the happier she'll be and the healthier the child.
- Really? - Well, it makes sense if you stop to think about it.
In the pioneer days women used to plough the fields, have kids on their lunch break and go on ploughing again.
- They did, didn't they? Well, take my own wife, Louise.
She played golf the day before she had the baby.
- Golf? - Of course it ruined her backswing.
Darrin, you must force yourself to be sensible.
And that's just what you should do.
- Larry, I just couldn't.
- You want a happy wife, don't you? - Naturally.
- You want a healthy child, don't you? - Of course.
- Well, then at least try it for their sake.
Maybe I should.
Mother? Samantha, how could you? You know.
I was hoping that it was just an ugly rumour.
Mother, aren't you pleased? You're gonna be a grandmother.
That's right.
That's right, twist the knife.
Give me just one good reason why I shouldn't have children.
Don't you see? You'll be tied to that mortal oaf indefinitely.
That's what I want.
Oh, Samantha, you just don't understand.
He's turning you into the typical housewife drudge.
Oh, I can just see you in a few years surrounded by diapers and bottles and pacifiers.
And wall-to-wall babies.
Mother, tell me something honestly.
Aren't you just a teeny-weeny bit pleased you're going to have a grandchild? Honestly, now.
Will you let me play with the child whenever I want? With absolutely no responsibility? You promise never to call me "Granny"? If that's what you want.
Well, it might be a bit diverting.
- I insist on one thing though.
- What's that? That you won't do this the hard way.
Promise me you'll use a little witchcraft to make it easy for you while you're expecting.
You know how I feel about that, Mother.
I wanna be like any mortal woman having a baby.
I want to enjoy every wonderful moment.
Oh, Samantha, I will not have you slaving away while you're expecting my grandchild.
You are pleased.
Well, the least he can do is to get someone to help you with the heavy work.
Darrin can't do enough for me.
He's very sweet and considerate and won't let me lift a finger when he's here.
I can imagine.
- Sam, I'm home.
- The voice of the turtle.
In here, sweetheart.
You'll see.
He'll be furious that I'm cooking dinner.
He thinks I should be resting.
- Hi, honey.
- Hello, sweetheart.
- I was just starting dinner.
- Oh, good.
I've had a hard day.
I think I'll rest until it's ready.
He certainly is considerate.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, nothing, dear.
- How is everything going? - Will you put this on the stove for me? Well, do it yourself, Sam.
The exercise will do you good.
The prosecution rests its case.
Would you mind getting the corn out of the vegetable bin? I don't like to do too much bending.
A little bending is good for you.
Strengthens the stomach muscles.
- Darrin, what's gotten into you? - Nothing.
Give me a yell when dinner's ready, huh? Fix your own dinner.
Why don't you put a couple of pounds of lead in each pocket? Lt'll toughen up her legs.
She's my wife and I know what's best for her.
Well, she's also my daughter and I think you've been treating her very shabbily.
Especially at a time like this.
I happen to have done a little research on the subject.
A very well-known doctor has a new theory on childbirth and I happen to agree with him wholeheartedly.
If you let a woman do it, she'll make a career out of childbirth.
I'm doing this for Sam's good.
Believe me, I know every ache and pain that she has and it hurts me more than her.
- It doesn't yet.
But it will.
- I beg your pardon? Never mind.
Wake up.
Wake up, Darrin.
Up, up.
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Morning.
- How do you feel? - Fine.
How do you feel? Well, not that good.
My stomach's a bit queasy.
What's the matter? Well, suddenly I got a backache.
Must have slept funny.
- You all right? - Yeah.
I feel awfully tired this morning though.
What's the matter? My pyjama pants feel kind of tight.
Well, I'll get shaved.
You know, I feel like having something real crazy for breakfast this morning.
Me too.
Darrin, they're waiting in the conference room.
All right.
Don't rush me.
Martin's not the kind of man to keep waiting.
- Well, what's so important about him? - His soap.
It means half a million dollars a year to this company.
Money, money.
Is that all you think about? Of course.
What else is there? A person's feelings, that's what else there is! My feelings.
I'm doing the best I can, Larry.
I'm a human being.
I'm not a machine.
- Darrin, what's the matter with you? - Nothing.
- You're crying.
- I'm not crying.
Why are your eyes all moist? Probably the sunlight.
Besides, I have hay fever.
The blinds are drawn and you never had hay fever before.
All right, so I'm crying.
I am crying.
So what? A person has the right to have a good cry once in a while.
- Darrin, I didn't mean to upset you.
- That's all right, Larry.
It's all right.
I'm just I'm just all worn out.
- Wanna talk about it? - About what? Well, whatever it is that's making you behave this way.
Behave what way? Well, fidgety, nervous.
I don't know, Larry.
I've been this way ever since I got up this morning.
Then skip the conference.
I can handle Martin alone.
- No.
- But, Darrin, if you don't feel well No, Larry.
No, I'm all right now.
I can handle it.
Darrin checked these over yesterday and I feel the Stanwyck account will go for this approach.
Phil, are you gonna eat your pickle? - Oh, here.
Help yourself.
- Thanks.
If I can suggest a change, I think we ought to accent the product itself rather than the copy.
It'd be more of an eye-catcher that way.
- Larry, are you gonna eat your pickle? - No.
Now, I think that we've touched all the bases.
Unless you'd like to add something, Mr.
Martin.
Well, it's just a notion.
I'm inclined to agree with Larry.
Mr.
Martin, are you gonna eat your pickle? Yes, I am.
I'd like to see the product a little larger.
Like it was jumping out of the ad at you.
Exactly.
It would have more impact that way.
You're not eating it.
I'll eat it when I feel like it.
If you don't want it, there's no sense letting it go to waste.
Darrin.
- It's his pickle.
- But it's just lying there.
- So it's just lying there.
- Then why can't I have it? Darrin.
You have no intention of eating that pickle.
Now, look, we're not gonna have an argument about a pickle.
- I demand your pickle! - Darrin.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse us for a moment.
- Sorry, Mr.
Martin.
- Darrin.
What on earth got into you? I don't know.
It was like some kind of crazy fixation.
I just had to have his pickle.
Darrin, I think your wife's having a baby is really getting to you.
- You're like one big peeled nerve.
- That's how I feel.
Why don't you take the rest of the day off.
Go see a doctor? Get him to give you a tranquilizer? Maybe I should.
I just haven't been myself all day.
I'll see you in the morning.
Get a good night's sleep.
Easy on the back, Lar.
Well, blood pressure's normal, Darrin.
In fact, everything's normal.
Well, that's good.
There must be something wrong.
You can put your shirt on now.
Tell me what did you do today that might have had an upsetting effect on you? Well, when I woke up this morning I had an upset stomach.
Then when I got out of bed I suddenly had the darnedest backache.
Backache, eh? Anything else? Then I had a sudden urge for something crazy to eat.
- Such as? - Ice cream, watermelon, sardines.
I got into an argument with a fellow at the office over a pickle.
- A pickle? - I shouldn't have got upset about it - But, well, he wasn't eating it.
- I see.
Does that add up to anything, doc? Not in your case, but I'd say that if you were a woman that you were going to have a baby.
Now that you mention it, it does sound like It doesn't yet.
But it will.
- Endora.
- Endora? My mother-in-law.
It's nothing.
I hope.
Mr.
Stephens' office.
Oh, good afternoon, Mrs.
Stephens.
Mr.
Stephens wasn't well this morning.
How is he feeling this afternoon? Not well, I'm afraid.
He went to see the doctor.
- Doctor? What's the matter with him? - I'm not sure.
He was quite strange.
In fact, he got into an argument with an important client over a pickle.
- A pickle? - You know what he wants for a snack? Pickled herring and a strawberry sandwich? Anything else? A backache? Have him call me as soon as he comes back.
Thanks.
Mother? I would've been here sooner, darling, but I was in Rome.
What did you do to Darrin? Just teaching him a little lesson for the way he treated you last night.
- There was a reason for that.
- I know, I know.
He read a book.
Believe it or not, he was only thinking of me.
I'll thank you to stop your meddling and take that crazy spell off Darrin.
Not until I'm ready, darling.
Now, if you'll excuse me there's somebody waiting for me on the Via Veneto.
You Mother? Dave, I've got a problem.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna have a baby.
Yeah, I've made up my mind.
This is one boy who's going to stay single-o.
There's only going to be one control on my electric blanket.
How could she do this to me? - What will the neighbours say? - I don't know one happy couple.
Sure, my cousin Irving says he's had four years of happy marriage but he's been married to Selma for 17 years.
What'll I tell everybody at the office? You can't keep a thing like that a secret for too long.
- People start to notice.
- And what's Irving got to show for it? A stack of bills, that's what.
He's engaged to Selma all through high school all through college, and the day they get married she tells him she was in the half of the class that had all the cavities.
What will I say to Sam? "Guess what, dear, we're gonna have babies together"? No, sir.
They're not shoving me down that middle aisle.
Hey, I gotta go.
Well, glad I could help, Darrin.
- You all right, Mr.
Stephens? - All right? Joe, I'm gonna have a baby.
Oh, yeah? Congratulations to the wife.
- Not my wife.
Me.
- You? Yes.
I'm going to be a mother.
Well, that's great.
You'll be the first man in the world to pull it off.
You'll be famous.
Yeah, I'll be famous.
Fill it up again, Joe.
I never thought of that.
I'll be famous.
I'll be famous.
I'll be famous.
I'll be famous.
I can't stand this waiting.
Mrs.
Stephens? Your husband had a boy.
Both father and son are doing just fine.
A boy? A boy.
It's a boy.
It's a boy.
It's a boy.
You realize you're the first man in the world to have a baby? Yes.
And they said it couldn't be done.
You seem most pleased about it.
Oh, yes.
My wife and I both wanted a large family.
And this way we can have twice as many kids.
- How is your wife taking this? - Just great.
Not the least bit jealous.
She made some of her old clothes into maternity sport coats for me.
Do you have any immediate plans? Not at the present.
Just rest.
Get my figure back.
I suppose you have big plans for your first child? Yes, indeed.
But it could cause a bit of a problem.
In what way? Well, as his father, I'd like him to go into politics but as his mother, I'm against it.
I'll be famous.
I'll be famous.
I'll be famous.
Are you sure you're all right, Mr.
Stephens? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Joe.
- Darrin.
- Oh, Sam.
I had a feeling you'd be here drowning your sorrows.
Am I glad to see you.
Darling, I think you've had enough.
Let's go home.
Honey, I'm not drunk.
I've got something to tell you.
- Yes, I know.
- Oh, no, you don't know.
Now, listen to me.
I'm going to have a baby.
- Mother told me.
I know all about it.
- I'll have to have my pants let out.
Darling, they're only symptoms.
We'll be rid of them soon enough.
- Really? - Yes, sweetheart.
I hope so.
I've had a terrible day.
I know, sweetheart.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, hello there.
I didn't see you come in.
How about that character that just left? - I'll bite.
How about him? - Well, didn't you hear him? He thinks he's going to have a baby.
Isn't that wild? Not necessarily.
Why, it's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
I've got five kids.
Another one on the way right now.
Why, it's a snap.
Nothing to get shook up about.
Imagine a guy thinking he's gonna have a baby.
- Suddenly I got a backache.
- You don't say.
Hope it goes away by tonight.
I'm supposed to go bowling.
I wouldn't advise that in your condition.
Here you are, sweetheart.
Just a little something to keep your strength up.
You didn't have to do that.
I could've done it.
No chance.
I'm back to spoiling you rotten.
- How do you feel? - Great.
But if that mother of yours ever pulls a stunt like that again I'm gonna use a little magic of my own.
- Make a few of her teeth disappear.
- And no jury will convict you.
Now, is there anything else I can get you? Darrin, we have a long way to go.
If you keep this up you'll be awfully tired by the time the baby's born.
Don't argue.
Eat.
Eat.
Seriously, darling, you can't go on waiting on me like this.
I'm not an invalid.
I feel perfectly fine.
Sam, don't try to tell me how you feel.
I know how you feel.
Exactly.
- Remember? - Yes.
- Come to think of it, you do.
- That's right.
- I'm a man in a million.
- So big deal.
I've always known that.
Cheers.