Big Boys (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
The morning you first left for uni,
your nan took you
for a full English,
knowing it may well be the last
before she was too poorly
to do a competitive
all-you-can-eat-breakfast challenge.
Can't believe I've a grandson
off to university.
Feel like the fucking Queen.
Oi. Look, it's Brent Uni,
all right? Not St Andrews.
There's kids studying mime, for
fuck's sake.
Well, mime's still better than
the dole.
Got your pressies before you go. Oh.
Sudocrem.
JLS johnnies, only the best.
Corsodyl?
Bleeding gums put women off.
Trust me.
Right. Listen, if there's
any problems, OK,
promise me you'll just call me
and I'll come racing back.
Oh. All right.
There's loads of people round here
that can help you an' all. I know.
Let's not spoil now. OK.
Has your dad text to say goodbye
at all?
No. What a wanker.
Oi.
Let's not spoil now.
Nan and Dan for ever.
Dan and Nan for ever.
Come on, big hug.
I love you. I love you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Now, don't pull a minger!
All right?
Bye. Ta-rah!
Every freshers event was always
about sex,
from the school disco party, where
everyone dressed as slutty versions
of the children they were only
four years before,
to the traffic light party,
where lads with loving girlfriends
back home still dressed in green
but Yemi, as LGBT society president,
wanted to make everything
a bit more inclusive.
We are here, we are queer
and we are wearing cotton sheer.
Yo, we're going to set up this LGBT+
stand
and then we're going to get fucking
wasted. Woo! Yeah!
I've had my city-city pram-pram,
I'm in a good mood
and I'm ready to get wood.
Danny, I'm chuffed that you can get
an erection but do we have to hear
about it every five minutes?
Yes, because it's a medical miracle.
Me and Jackie boy here, we are
fully out to fuck a fresher.
OK That sounds quite predatory,
but, yeah. Yeah, we are.
Mate, some of the birds at this uni
are older than me.
Amy from fine arts, 37.
Diane from illustration is 43.
Yeah, and both are married. Yes.
And what do you think creative,
unhappily married women do, right?
They fill out a UCAS form
and they fuck their way through
a short-term arts degree.
Hello, Mummy. You repulse me sometimes.
Yeah, I repulse myself.
Anyway, you're going to be
entertaining Spencer later,
so just try not to think about my
raging hard-ons all night long, OK?
God.
You know how normally when straight
guys talk about their dicks,
I'm aroused?
With you, I'm just bored.
OK, fine.
I won't make any more mentions
of my erections for the rest
of the evening.
Touch wood! Oh, come on.
Jackie boy, are you going to help
us?
I am putting this sign up
for your lot.
Sorry, I just can't seem to get any
good 3G signal down here.
I'm streaming Strictly Come Dancing.
Oh, fuck's sake.
What? It's Alison Hammond's
first week.
She's doing the cha-cha-cha
to Chaka Khan.
I don't give a cha-cha-shit, mate.
We're supposed to be on the pull.
Tonight is about
strictly come dumping.
Big finger in the house!
Look who's back.
Oh, no, actually, sorry.
Erm, why are you dressed like that?
It's the traffic light party, innit?
No, it's first years only,
I'm afraid.
Are you kidding me?
We actually have really strict rules
about this kind of thing
because of last year's
traffic lights,
when I caught a couple
of our caretakers
head to toe green boilersuits
skulking around after the students.
They were, like, 23, 24. It's like
really disgusting creeps.
It's not disgusting. You're 26, right?
Yeah. OK. Thank you.
That's very sweet.
OK, guys. Right, BRB.
I'm going to pop on my
Apple bottom jeans
Boots with the fur ♪
Do you believe it?
Look, to be honest, Danny, the best
way for you to actually pull tonight
is by you leaning into the fact that
you are an older gentleman.
Older gentleman? Precisely.
You want to compete with all the
new arrives?
You've got to present like
a hot classic car.
Capitalise.
Yeah.
OK.
Jack, why aren't you out there?
He's FaceTiming Peggy, while she
holds the iPad up to the telly
playing Strictly.
What the fuck are you wearing?
Hello, Danny babe.
Jack, give me the phone.
Look Hey, Pegs.
Listen, me and Jack are supposed
to be out on the pull tonight, so
And why are you dressed like
Richard Hammond, then?
Sorry!
Are Alison and Richard related?
Peggy, do you want your son
watching ballroom dancing
on a Saturday night, or do you want
him out here living his life?
Actually, you're totally right there.
You know, tell Jack I'm going
to hang up now. All right, OK.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
No, I'm keeping this until you get
out there and chat up some gay boys.
Fine. Homophobe. Dweeb.
Some prick's just nominated me for
the ice bucket challenge.
Jules? Yes.
She nominated me twice this week.
It's attention-seeking masquerading
as a charitable endeavour.
It's girls in white T-shirts
getting soaked in ice water
for motor neurone disease.
Yes, please.
You're despicable. I know.
Right, Spencer is here, so I'm going
to go.
OK. Good luck, pal. Go get 'em.
Oh, it's sad, though.
It's sad how a Latin American
movement pattern can wreck a home.
What? Strictly curse.
It absolutely terrifies me.
You don't date a celeb, though.
Peggy, I'm a party planner.
I'm around celebs all the time.
I could I could easily meet
a celeb.
And then one day he'd probably
leave me for a Russian woman
with amazing posture.
Maybe focus on dating
a non-celeb first.
Have you told the father yet?
No. I don't see why I should have to.
We both know that the best way
to get on The Apprentice
is to be a single mum
and an independent business owner.
It's common decency to let someone
know when they've knocked you up.
At the very least,
kids are fucking expensive.
You're going to need a hand.
OK, then. Fine.
I will order something from Asos.
What? Why? You're skint.
The father's a next-day delivery driver.
Oh, God.
It began with, you know, just a
little parcel here and there and
Thank you.
See ya.
You know, a bit of flirty banter
at the door and
Stop it!
Oh.
He came on pretty strong.
And, yeah, I was feeling
a little bit lonely, so
Right.
Well, I hope he ain't
a Hermes delivery driver.
I wouldn't go there.
I would never go there.
Asos.
Yeah.
The other day I had a hook-up
and as I was leaving the guy's room,
we realised we'd taken off the exact
same outfit,
same T-shirt, same underwear,
same socks. All of it.
Happens all the time. Yeah.
I looked inside one of the pairs
of pants to see if it was my size,
and I just saw this huge crusty
skid mark
straight down the middle of them.
That's how I knew they were mine.
Anyone who plays their cards right
gets to check if I'm joking or not.
Do you guys want a hooch?
Please don't talk to me.
Yes.
Thanks, er, Oscar.
Hey. No worries
Jack.
I'll get you a hooch.
I like your earrings.
Thanks. My boyfriend got them
for me. OK.
I'm from Argentina. Oh, wow.
I don't know anything about Argentina,
apart from obviously when Beckham
got the red card.
David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone
in '98.
Er, I was born in '96.
You
So this is, I'd say, 65 to 75% of
my Ty Beanie Baby collection,
the vast majority of which will have
to be bought in
Whilst you were getting your ear
chewed off,
I managed to pull a really fit guy
of my own age,
which meant I got my phone back
and I got
Dandruff check. Oh, yeah.
Have you douched?
Um, that's not on my checklist.
I know, but if you're going to be
mating, you've got to get excavated.
OK, OK. Thanks, Danny.
So, what are you going to be
studying? Er, PR.
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah.
I mean, we need PRs, right?
Cos people always have affairs
that need covering.
Er, yeah, sure.
So what do you teach?
Sorry teach? Yeah. What are you,
like, a lecturer or?
No, I'm
PE.
I mean, anyone with a history
of depression who spent weeks
watching daytime telly in bed with
her as their only source of joy
Loves Alison.
Completely.
Thanks for letting me tether
to your 3G.
It's romantic, innit?
Tethering.
I'm Sorry.
I really want to do this,
but I need to watch this.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, sure, sure.
Alison's also just like a really
adept, proficient journalist.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
I always say that.
Well, you are a journalism student, so
Hey, look, I'm going to be
right back. I just need to
I get lost in my thoughts
and for hours of time
And it's making me feel
like I'm not alone any more
To be honest, to be honest
I'm trying to love
but I'm afraid to kill ♪
You hadn't had a text from your dad
in years.
..When to search or stay still
So I fly ♪
Where is he?
I need a tether.
..Broken and yet tender
Always in and always out ♪
You OK?
I can't find Oscar anywhere.
You sure you're OK?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Erm, I think I might go, actually.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
No, no, look, mate, I don't want to
ruin your night, like, you just
It's all good. Let's go.
Despite our efforts to fuck
a fresher, we got back to the shed
to find our flatmates were the ones
getting fucked instead.
10.15pm.
It's the final day in Chelmsford,
and the food at Gavin's Caribbean
theme night has shocked his guests,
as has his special package.
Come Dine With Me, Channel 4.
Yeah. All right.
But what specific channel?
Oh, considering time of broadcast.
E4 plus one.
Bad luck. More4.
Oh, fuck!
Are you OK, mate?
Yeah. I mean, the girl I actually
like is being railed next door,
right after the fresher I was
chirpsing mistook me for -
wait for it - a lecturer.
So, yeah, I've had better nights.
You?
I'm just annoyed this Oscar guy disappeared.
I was finally chipsing someone
I really liked.
Chirpsing.
Chirps chirpsing.
Chirpsing. There we go.
You dirty pig! You dirty
fucking pig!
Right, just eat Monster Munch, mate.
It drowns out the sound.
Go on, get it in your mouth. Yeah.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
Open your eyes
Wake up in the daylight ♪
Ooh, Oscar! You dirty boy!
Oh, please say I'm dreaming that.
Do you like that? Do you like it?
Soz, mate.
You naughty boy, Oscar!
All right?
Yes.
Spencer just left.
Oh! Wait, was Spencer here?
Oh, I didn't realise that.
Shut up, Danny.
These walls are thin.
Yes, I know, Corinne.
Sadly, Jack here got with a lad
called Oscar last night.
Why is that sad?
Because he came back and fucked
Yemi. Sorry, Jack. Oh, dear.
Good morning. Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning, Jack.
Corinne, babe, I think we need
to talk volume.
Oh, do we? Mm-hm. Lots. Oh.
What's up with her?
You fucked Oscar.
That's who Jack likes. What?
Yeah, we all heard you.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. Mm-hm.
Right, I need to get some sleep.
Oh, shit.
Oh, he's quite sexy, Shan.
Is he? Yeah.
We only really did it
for about four minutes
before he had to deliver another parcel.
Oh, poor boy. Poor boy?
Poor me, more like.
God, he's not the brightest spark
at all.
I don't know how he's going
to take it.
Wow. That's amazing.
Yeah. And you can, like,
meet the baby and that
but I am fully intending on being
a single mum-trepreneur, so
Well, I can help out as much as you
like or as little as you like.
No, I won't need help, thank you.
Well, let me give you my number.
All right, well, don't write
on the parcel.
And I'll give you my landline.
Don't need to do that. Just in case.
There you go.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Actually, I don't need this.
I'm just going to take that.
I just did that to get you here.
So if you could return that for me,
that'd be great.
OK. OK. Thanks. Bye.
Shannon Papadopoulou, shame on you.
Peggy
No, he was quite mean to me
out there.
Hey!
Did Alison get through on Strictly
last night?
Are you concerned about
being radicalised to jihad?
What if I am?
The jihadis aren't overly keen on
the uptake from homos, mate.
It says it there. Anyway,
do you want a coffee?
I was going to go get one.
What happened last night?
Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry.
I went a bit AWOL.
I just felt too drunk,
so I headed home.
Oh, did you now?
Yes.
You didn't go to a big blue shed to
get called a fucking cum slut pig?
Fucking hell. Yeah,
did Yemi tell you what we did?
He didn't have to. We all heard it.
Oh, fuck.
I just really love his shows. What?
Yeah. His shows are, like,
insanely hot.
What shows? I confess, I've been
a fan of Yemi for a while now.
What are you talking about?
Yemi's web
cam shows? Yes.
Oscar said Yemi was a webcam performer
and he knew who I was from
Yemi's Instagram,
which makes sense, because he somehow
knew I was a journalism student.
Wait, wait-wait-wait.
So
So Yemi wanking on webcam to Oscar
is what we all heard?
That makes so much sense
because I kept hearing
Oh, dear, my webcam's fallen over.
Look, well, good for him, all right?
We can have a word, tell him to
quieten it down.
But how Yemi makes his money
is none of our business.
I want to watch.
Good user interface.
Hmm.
Hello. Hi, just doing some homework.
I wanted to apologise, Jack,
for sleeping with Oscar.
I'm sorry.
I got you an apology gift that
I'd be more than happy
to assist you in trying.
Oh, is that a clown horn?
Honk, honk.
It's a silicone anal douche.
Ooh, no, thank you.
So you fill it up with warm water,
spread your cheeks, squat up
your bowels, and then splush!
You expel all demons, pagan spirits
and poo particles.
A fresh bussy for the freshers.
Thank you Yemi!
When I've finished doing some bits
and bobs in my room, I'll come out
here and give you a tutorial.
You could use that to do
the dishes, mate, couldn't you?
It might mean you actually do them.
Guys, why is he lying
that he fucked Oscar?
Yeah, well, maybe because he's
embarrassed about his job,
which is more reason why
we should not watch his show.
He's on, I hear pony.
This is so wrong.
Don't be such a spoilsport.
You're literally the one reading
a magazine full of tits.
I'm reading an article
about renewable energy.
OK, anyway, I paid for these tits.
Yeah, well, I just paid
5.99 to sign up, so
No, you didn't, you clicked the free
trial button. Shut up, Jack.
So which one of you dirty bastards
want to come
and lick this shoe clean?
Those are my Doc Martens.
Ah, ah.
All right, lads.
Danny, come here, mate. What?
Who's getting the drink in tonight?
Oh, that's my Hard-fi T-shirt.
Let's have a Kiki
I want to have a Kiki
Lock the doors
Let's have a Kiki
We're being served
Ha-ha-honey #.
What's going on here?
Oh, there's 69 of you dirty
bastards watching me right now.
Thank you.
Special shout-outs go out
to Colin, Olusola.
Brian Blessed - again?
And
Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, I'm about to
do a quick costume change.
Stay here, enjoy this
short intermission.
So what's he going to do now?
Is he getting changed, he said?
Busy?
Right, I'd have thought
you're cleverer
than to let your chatroom username
be your university email address.
Oh, shit.
Right, you're all going to get
one question each.
Only speak if holding the douche.
Erm
Why are you doing it, babe?
I'm a fashion student making
25 to 30 garments a term.
I cannot afford decent fabrics
without this money.
And how long have you?
You've had your question.
Pass on the douche.
OK, what stuff do you do?
Sometimes I wank, sometimes
just show body.
Sometimes I'll just be sitting there
talking about RuPaul's Drag Race.
It really depends
what the viewers want.
But can I just say, I told
them both several times
that they shouldn't watch, but go
on, how much coin are you making?
Depending on what kind of
show I'm doing
roughly 300 a night.
What? £300 a night.
Flipping hell, right now I can
get hard-ons,
I'll bash a few out for some cash.
Shut up, Danny.
OK, enough, I'm really going to need
all of you lot to help me
keep my business on the DL.
Yeah, and can I just say
I'm really sorry?
OK, we could just We could all
hear you.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
I was just a bit jealous and
Look, is there anything we can do
to make it up to you?
Despite the humiliation
of being Yemi's sex slave
gimp dildo assistant, this was kind
of making me feel
a bit more confident, knowing that
somewhere Oscar was
Yeah
And you felt confident you were
in a good enough place
to text your dad back.
Oh, fuck, it's brilliant.
Oh, thanks.
It's a shame we ain't met
Spencer yet.
He's just really busy at the moment.
He's busy? He is.
He's a poet, isn't he?
Yes, Danny, he's a poet.
And a very good one, actually.
Very good.
Actually, can I take a quick photo
of you?
Why? It's for my nan, I know
it's weird.
She just said I said I'd send her
pictures of all my mates and
What, on her own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me just take that
OK, right, you ready?
Just say ice bucket challenge!
Argh!
This is fucking cashmere, Yemi.
Woo!
What the fuck is wrong with you?