Black Comedy (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

1 So, in closing I'd like to say thank you to you all for being here today to share this momentous occasion with us.
OK, everyone, could you just turn and face me, please, and we'll just get a few snaps of the visit.
Good, OK.
Lots of smiles.
You're all very happy.
You've just done a great deal for the community.
OK, uh, could you just look a little more casual for me, just a little more casual? Good.
Good.
Just think of Charlie Perkins.
That's the way.
Good.
Good.
Good.
OK, I want you to imagine that you're Greg Inglis, you've just taken the Bunnies to the Premiership, OK? You're Archie Roach, David Gulpilil.
OK, guys, could you just be a little bit more, um a little bit more Aboriginal for me? Excuse me? More more Aboriginal.
They know what I'm saying, right? Am I speaking Yiddish? Can we get a lap-lap happening here? I'm looking at you, Walkabout.
Aunty Aunty, could you to just squeeze up for me.
What the fuck did he just call me? Can we get some lateral violence up the back there as well.
Good, yes.
Good, good, good.
OK.
Make sure you get your leg up.
Leg up, that's it.
Now, I'm seeing a young mother up the front here with no kids to fight for.
Good.
Get the kids in.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Just remove one.
Perfect.
Perfect.
OK, everyone, say 'sovereignty' on three.
1-2-3.
Theme music Cricket coach Darren Lehmann blames his players and not the pitch for the loss to Pakistan (Smash!) Ow! Mum! No-one's gonna put a dot on a boomerang without my approval.
A grass basket gets sold in the Botanical Gardens - I want in.
- Understood? - Understood.
As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be an elder.
For me, being an elder was better than being seven Adam Goodeses or three Greg Ingli-i.
At the luncheon, you never had to wait for the sandwiches, at bingo, you always got your cards first, you always got a seat at the funeral - that's if it wasn't your own - but above everything else, you were respected.
I once saw a man get up and out of his barber chair halfway through his haircut for Uncle Sid, and he walked around with that fucked-up haircut for two weeks.
I used to wash up Uncle Sid's car, and now those kids in the community, they wash mine.
And that's because I drive Aunty Mary.
Aunty Mary moves at her own pace because she don't gotta be anywhere for anyone.
Aunty Mary has a kind heart but a hot head, and there's one person who knows how to press her buttons - Aunty Joycie.
Aunty Mary and Aunty Joycie run the Welcome to Country.
And competition is fierce.
Welcome to Country is charged by the syllable.
You wanted the smoking ceremony? That's extra.
You want the gum leaves? That'll cost ya.
Per leaf! And in competition, there's got to be a No.
1.
This was our thing, and once you're in Aunty Joycie wants to see Aunty Mary at the restaurant after the wake.
Alright, I'll let her know.
you're in.
Dad? Yes, son? You know how a coconut is a black person who's dark on the outside and white on the inside? Yes, son.
And is also a nut that's dark on the outside and white on the inside? Yes, son.
Well, which one was named after which? I guess we'll never know, son.
Yeah.
Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie, how can I help you? Uh, yeah, I'm looking for Donna.
We're supposed to be having a phone interview.
Oh.
I'll just try her for you.
I'm sorry, but she's not answering right now.
What do you mean, she's not answering? Um, she's not answering, and judging by the time, I'd say she's gone home.
What?! I'm supposed to be having a phone interview with her.
Oh, this is so typical of you office blacks.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that you're meant to be helping us blacks get a job, but instead you pricks are only worried about yourselves! Well, let me see if I can find someone else for you, but judging by the time, I'd say everybody's gone home.
Oh, see? Bunch of useless bastards - taking off before it's even 5:00.
Don't even know why I bothered calling.
Well, what time was your interview? 2pm.
2pm?! It's nearly 5:00! So? Sister, that's not even Murri time.
That's just lazy, get-your- unorganised-shit-together time.
When you're supposed to be open till 5:00, someone should still be there.
And when you make an appointment, you're supposed to keep it.
Well, I had things to do.
Yeah, well, you're not the only one.
Eyah, don't get smart with me, boy.
Eyah, you don't want to get smart with me.
Ringing up here complaining, calling me 'office black', when it's your gammin, can't-even-keep-track-of-time arse that's ringing up three hours later for an appointment.
What kind of hairy-arse woman thinks she's gonna get a job when her no good, demanding, who-the-hell-she-think-he-is slut of an attitude gonna be blamin' everybody else for her can't-even-keep-track-of-time shit? How about if you wanna get your impatient arse a job, then you ring up when you're supposed to - not one hour later, not two hours later and definitely not three who-the-bloody-hell-still-rings-up bullshit hours later? Now, was that smart enough for you? Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie, how can I help you? Joycie, Mary, I'm pleased to see you can put your differences aside, so we could talk today.
Now, the Welcome to Country income stream has been a lucrative venture for the elders, but with all this in-fighting, we're gonna be running ourselves out of business.
Sabotaging welcomes? Waterlogging gum leaves? This has to stop! Well, Sid, thank you, and I just wanna to say welcome from the tops of trees Oi, Joyce, knock it off.
You know very well you stole that line from me.
Oh, Mary, why would I want anything of yours? 'Cause you're a sneaky bitch.
Mary! If we're gonna get anywhere today, there can be no name-calling.
Now, if you two can't agree on what's a fair divide in events She wants the AFL Grand Final and the Australian Open.
That's spring AND summer.
She wants it all.
What's left for me? Mary, they all want me.
They want YOU because YOU undercut ME.
This is all beside the point.
We can only do what's fair.
NAIDOC week is nearly here and these events need elders.
What I and the uncles have decided is that there's two separate territories - one for Aunty Joyce, one for Aunty Mary divided by a natural border Punt Road.
She gets the sports precinct! We live in Melbourne, Sid.
Did you forget that? What and who the fuck am I supposed to welcome to the east side of Punt Road? There's fuck-all there and you know that.
Mary, the commission breeds have ruled.
Oh, mate.
Nah.
Good.
You wait.
Fuck this, fuck that and fuck the both of you.
Nephew, coat, car.
Oh, Joycie, you sneaky old gin.
This ain't over.
'Cause I warn you, I'm watching you.
Eyah, slut! What, slut? You enjoying our first date? Can't even take me somewhere flash.
Oh! Well, what's this, then, slut? You lucky slut! So, what can I get you boys? Big budhoo.
Troy! What is he doing here? Obviously serving big sausage.
Are you ready to order? I'm ready to be a big slut! This is supposed to be OUR date.
Sorry, baby.
I promise to focus on you and not to be a big slut.
See?! But it's Big Budhoo Troy! German sausage.
Well, you better figure out if you want German sausage or the sweet, sweet taste of this sun-kissed blackberry, 'cause I'm not putting up with my man being a slut.
Unless he's a slut for me.
A big one.
A big dirty slut.
Eyah, baby, come back! I promise I won't do it again! Please come back.
Ooh.
We've been called to this residence by a family member.
It's not an uncommon occurrence, family members worried about the blackness of their loved ones.
So, let's go see what she's got to say.
She says there's a family barbecue out the back - there's a lad that's undercooking his meat.
Is that true? Youse mob go and have a look for yourself - all the evidence is spread out there on the back table.
Nobody's eatin'.
Call for backup.
Delta 7, this is VK1.
Delta 7,we need a Tactical Blakforce Team.
We've got an undercooker.
Ma'am, we're going in.
Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce.
It's so much better this way! Don't you know that charcoal's carcinogenic?! It's still bleeding, you sick (Bleep)! It's called medium-rare! Put the tongs down, mate.
What the (Bleep)? Who called them? I did.
You're bloody trying to kill us! Put the (Bleep) tongs down! We put it to you, you've been undercooking meat - namely chops.
Well, you know the rules - if you can't eat it, you have to be able to draw with it.
What's this? It's roast pumpkin and pine nut salad.
What?! Why? I seen it on MasterChef.
Oh, that's it! Look, I promise I promise this time I'll put 'em back on the barbecue and I'll burn 'em - I'll burn 'em! Sarge, he doesn't even have any bread here! Oh! You're a piece of work, cuz.
You can answer all this down at the station.
Come on, let's go! Let's get 'em back on the barbie, eh, aunt? You gotta keep an eye out for these fellas.
Enjoy.
Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce Ooh, whoa.
Oh, help, hey! Oh, my God! Someone's getting eaten by a shark.
Well now you know how Aboriginal people feel.
Are you looking for naked natives? You want some big-budhoo black men? We bring you Boys Gone Wild.
Wassup? We've got everything - candid Kooris, naughty Nyoongars and big budhoos.
Go on, baby, massage my message stick.
Go on, ladies, get a lap-lap in your lap lap.
Boys Gone Wild.
Sign up now for a one-month free trial.
This boy's gone wild.
I'm waiting.
Better not be talking about me.
There's three ways to do things - the right way, the wrong way and the black way.
And black way is pretty much the wrong way but it's a bit more of a laugh.
When you're the best, you can afford the best.
And in our business, it's all about the leaves.
The gum leaves.
From the tops of the trees to the bottom of the sea, I welcome you to Country today in recognition and honour of the original owners, of our elders, past and present Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to the Healing Place ramp.
I'd like to acknowledge its lovely craftsmanship.
It's beautiful.
and of their spirit that runs through our hearts today, welcome, welcome, welcome.
Hm.
When I ask you do something, I expect you to do it proper.
Remember, always was, always will be, Aunty Mary's.
This was turf war.
Aunty Mary was not happy and she was letting it be known.
Now make it happen.
Things were getting out of hand, so Uncle Sid stepped in.
Your two old aunties are out of control.
It's up to you two to bring 'em into line.
Understood? Easy, bruz.
I just need to go jillawa.
From the tops of the trees to the bottom of the seas, I welcome you to country today as we unite in heart and spirit with celebration and recognition of the original owners, of our elders past and present and of their spirit that beats in our heart here today.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
See, it seems some smart-arse doused Joycie's prized leaves in kerosene.
Bless her.
Ow! She's dead.
And upon hearing the news of Aunty Joycie's demise, Aunty Mary laughed so hard, she sent herself into cardiac arrest, bless her.
Dad? Yes, son? You know how we're called 'Aboriginals' because we come from here? Well, does that mean white people are Aboriginals from wherever they come from? Yes.
Yes, it does.
Wow.
White Aboriginals.
Yeah.
Welcome to day three of the Pan Aboriginal Nations One Language Summit.
It's been a long and tiring road - one we're still on - but we are closer to having one language that we can use and share upon each other's country.
Aaaah! I don't know why people just can't learn my language when they bin come MY country.
Well, what should happen if you go upon their country? True, eh? I never bin think about that.
Louise? Minutes from yesterday.
We agreed on the national use of 'deadly', 'mob', 'solid', and that on the east coast, the use of 'tiddas' will only apply to Aboriginal women.
That is some bullshit.
I just want to state my hob-jection.
This isn't court.
Whatever, you're gammin.
That brings us to the next item on today's agenda - 'gammin'.
Do we want to spell that with an 'I' or with an 'O'? Western Australia would like to see how that looks first.
Gammin with an 'I'.
With a 'hi'.
Gammon with an 'O'.
Gammon with a 'ho'.
Victoria likes 'O'.
Ah, 'ho' is gammin.
You're gammin.
Ah, well, at least it's better than being gamm-on.
Victoria and Queensland will please refrain from name-calling.
Everyone in favour of 'I'.
Aye.
South Australia would like to know if we're saying 'I' or 'hi'? I said 'hi'.
Say 'I'.
Hi.
'I'.
Hi.
'I'! Hi-hi-hi! Stop hi-balling me! Order! Stop looking at me with your hi-balls.
Order! Hey, I'm sick of being hordered around! Ah, that brings us to the next item on today's agenda - haitches.
Do we want to drop them? I think should hadd 'em.
Add.
Hadd.
Add.
Hadd, hadd, hadd! Had! That remind me, you never bin hadd me on Facebook yet.
Horder! I mean, 'order'! See? That's your blackness comin' out.
Ah, forget it, everyone in favour of 'hi' say say 'aye'.
Aye.
Oh! That's deadly-la! What do you mean 'la'? You can't stop me from saying 'la'.
La-la-la-la-la! La.
Queensland will refrain from singing to the other states.
Queensland I'm warning you.
Louise, add 'la' to tomorrow's agenda, where we will also be discussing 'ooh-ah', 'look out' and 'wonga' versus 'womba'.
Meeting adjourned.
There'll be drinks and snacks in the foyer on your way out.
HAY-CT wanna know drink and snack for free, or what? Yeah, of course.
Ho! Oh! Deadly.
You see, family always comes first.
But what keeps a family happy? This here.
A dual funeral - they would've hated that.
Deliver the eulogy, Frank.
Now the uncles watch the aunties, the aunties watch the nieces and nephews, the nieces and nephews watch the kids, and they all watch me.
And just like that, the Punt Road divide was no more.
Always was, always will be Frank's land.
Sarge, I got something to tell you - I got the call up.
You got it? Yep.
I got accepted to the Special Coconut Unit.
They want me to start ASAP.
Big case.
But it means I'm leavin'.
Good on you, bruz.
I'm happy for you.
Yeah, but I'm shitting myself, though.
Oi, don't let them flash bastards up at SCU intimidate ya.
You were born to crack coconuts.
You don't just crack coconuts because it's your job - you crack coconuts because you love it.
You know, that's the deadliest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love you, brother.
Love you too, brother.
Now make us proud.
And show that mob up at SCU how us Blakforce boys roll.
I will, brother.
I will.
Let's roll.
Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce Uh-huh.