Black Dynamite (2009) s02e02 Episode Script

2x02 - Black Jaws or Finger Lickin' Chicken of the Sea Okay, okay, man.
Shh, shh! Come on, baby.
- How much base do you need? - Man, I'm giving you $2, a cheeseburger with no cheese on it, and conjoined cambodian twins.
That's got to be worth more base than that.
[siren wails.]
- Shit! The cops! - Wait! What about my base?! Police! Stop him! He stole my base! [sirens wailing.]
[tires screech.]
[tires screech.]
Come on, Lamont.
- Give it up.
It's over.
- We got you for drugs, and we - got you for murder.
- M-M-Murder? - What what murder? - The one you're being framed for with this bull[bleep.]
evidence we're gonna plant.
[laughs cruelly.]
[voice breaking.]
I can't do life.
Life is what killed my father.
Besides, I can't get my new suede Pumas wet.
Damn, life or wet Pumas? What a [bleep.]
up day this has turned out to be.
[guns cock.]
Nah, [bleep.]
it.
Bye, bitch.
[screams.]
[water sloshes.]
Well, did he fly? Because there's no way in hell he jumped in the water! He's black! [laughs.]
Nice try, pigs! Didn't think a black man could swim, did you? [thud.]
Aah! ["Jaws" theme plays.]
[grunts.]
Help! Come in here and get me! Please come get me! Help! I'd rather go to jail! [screaming.]
My guts! [screams.]
[music intensifies.]
[shark roaring in slow-mo.]
Bullhorn: Hold on to your black balls! It's Black Jaws! Dynamite! Dynamite! He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Oooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! Bullhorn: This week [video game music plays, monitor beeping, buzzing.]
[door opens.]
[roars.]
[sour notes play.]
Damn it, Kissinger! - The black spade invaders got me! - [monotone.]
Sorry, Nix.
- What do you want, anyway? - It's time for your daily - black briefing, Dick.
- Give it to me, kiss.
And remember, bad black news is good white news.
Let me just fire up the old R.
A.
C.
I.
S.
T.
[powering up.]
We just confirmed that the agent orange Kool-aid we sell in the black community does, - in fact, cause cancer.
- Wait.
Why are you confirming that the thing we created to cause cancer causes cancer? My bad.
With those two we have here.
The self-hating jheri-curl activator we created is not catching on.
We should put this one on an ice cube until we find the right [bleep.]
with attitudes to make it popular.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Next.
- Nothing else too interesting.
There are sporadic reports of shark attacks on blacks.
To increase blood pressure in the black community, we are adding sodium to sports clothing.
We are going to buy the NBA.
Stop the pickaninny presses.
Tell me more about that - darky sharky shit.
- First, a routine negro frame-up was interrupted by a shark attack.
Later, an interracial couple was attacked, but the shark did not eat the white girl.
In fact, the shark even gave - her a ride home.
- Where's that soul-food-people-eating shark now? The shark will most likely follow a path down the coast.
Fantastic.
Now we need a way to get the entire negro population in the water at once.
Kiss, what do you get when you mix music, food, fancy cars, motorcycles, ass, and negroes together with water? - I don't know.
Good times? - Black beach week! Get the mayor of that podunk [bleep.]
beach town on the phone and have him throw the biggest, funkiest, blackest party the beach has ever seen.
We'll call it "Operation Blaqua Party.
" Dynamite! Dynamite Honey Bee: Unh-unh-unh! I got my gold "[bleep.]
'em girl" bathing suit on, my matching cornrows, got the titties percolatin'.
Ha ha! I can't wait to see how many suckas I can turn down - at this blaqua party.
- Cream Corn: Ha! You think somebody gonna talk to you, C-3PO? Well, may the force be with you, girl.
Honey Bee: I'm-a force my foot up your ass, lookin' like - a black Michelin man.
- Cream Corn: Hey, and I'll be damned if I'm-a get my beautiful hair wet, 'cause if I do get my do wet, it won't look wet anymore.
- Bullhorn: [groans.]
- Honey Bee: Damn! - Bullhorn, what's wrong with you? - Bullhorn: I been fasting my ass off for three days preparing for this soul food eatin' contest.
I've got to be the hungriest mother[bleep.]
in all of Los Angeles! Cream Corn: Well, it's too bad you're gonna lose.
You know Thick James gonna be there.
He done won every soul food eatin' contest this - community ever had.
- Bullhorn: Man [bleep.]
Thick James.
I can eat 10 whales with a side of buffalo and their wings! It's Bullhorn that'll be the new soul-food king.
That is [stomach churns.]
if I could make it to this - damn thing.
- Cream Corn: Black Dynamite, I know you're not wearing your everyday ass-kicking clothes to the beach.
You gonna look ridiculous if you - don't look ridiculous.
- B.
D.
: It's only a beach, Cream Corn just a big-ass bathtub with fish in it.
And if you've seen one big-ass bathtub with fish in it, you've seen 'em all.
- Besides, beaches are for bitches.
- Honey Bee: I know that's right, and this bitch is about to be the sexiest bitch on the beach.
I'm telling you, when I hit the sand, there won't be a soft [bleep.]
in sight! [chuckles.]
Except for y'all's, of course, 'cause, you know, that would be just weird.
Ugh! Dynamite! Dynamite Hey, y'all.
Let's do this.
[indistinct chatter.]
In your face! [chatter continues.]
- Oh, yeah.
- Let's go get some! [feedback.]
"Welcome, darkness" darknesses? Hmm.
"Welcome to the first annual Blaqua Party.
- Please, black crayola crickets" - Crayola? "stay in the water for as long as you can, and no matter what happens, do not get out.
" [partygoers murmuring.]
B.
D.
: Hmm.
There's something fishy about this beach party, and it ain't the fish.
Look, they got merry hos on the merry-ho-round in the water! Come on! Let's go! [children cheering, laughing.]
[ominous music plays, children laughing.]
Bullhorn: Before I can win this contest of swinin' and dinin', somebody needs to carry my black ass to the sign-in booth so my black ass can sign in.
[all gasp.]
Look! Up in the sky! - It's a turd! It's a train! - It's Thick James, bitch! [crowd cheering, funky music plays.]
Oh! [laughs.]
[whistle!.]
[all cheer.]
Thick James! [slurp! slurp!.]
[deep voice.]
I'm Thick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourselves.
[laughs.]
[crowd chanting "Thick James".]
[stomach churns.]
Bullhorn: [groans.]
[women laughing.]
Cream Corn: Hey, come on in, Black Dynamite.
It's so much fun.
Bring them beach balls over - here, girl.
Stop playin'.
- B.
D.
: Not now, Cream Corn.
Can't you see I'm trying to build a sand whorephanage? Cream Corn: Okay, Black Dynamite, suit yourself.
Your loss.
[ominous music plays.]
Man, if they had blaqua parties like this all the time, - my black ass would live in the sea! - Honey Bee: I'm sure you - would, blaqua man.
- Cream Corn: Hey! Black Dynamite! You said beaches was for bitches you better come get some of these bitches while they still wet.
B.
D.
: Black Dynamite don't come to bitches bitches come to Black Dynamite.
Now, will you please shut the [bleep.]
up while grown folks is building a sand whorephanage? Cream Corn: Sorry, Black Dynamite.
More wet bitch for me.
Damn.
I haven't had a chance to turn down one man yet! Oh, I'm I'm-a do a sexy run down the beach.
That always gets 'em.
[romantic music plays.]
[all gasp.]
Oh, man! [gasps.]
[all gasp.]
[boing!.]
Mm-mmm! Damn! I ain't never seen a white girl with cornrows before.
Oh, man! That bitch bad! It's something about the novelty of it.
You know what I'm sayin'? It's like seeing a bigfoot in this mother, [bleep.]
.
Hey, there, white bitch, where you goin'? Black Dynamite, can you teach me how to surf? B.
D.
: Damn it, little orphan Penny.
You made me [bleep.]
up the sign.
And just for that, you got to teach your own self how to surf.
[chuckles.]
[singsong voice.]
Mine looks way better than yours! B.
D.
: A [bleep.]
castle.
- How original.
- [bleep.]
, that ain't gonna stick without no water.
Here.
["Jaws" theme plays.]
[music stops.]
["Jaws" theme plays.]
- Hey, my towel! - I got a towel.
Yo, what's up, girl? Right on.
B.
D.
: Cream Corn! Shark! Shark! Get out the water! [all screaming.]
Cream Corn, nooooooo! Cream Corn: [laughs.]
Stop! That tickles! That tickles! You goin' make pee on myself again! [laughs.]
[laughs mockingly.]
You thought it was a real shark.
You stupid.
[laughs.]
B.
D.
: Suey! There.
Now we even.
[sobbing.]
[all cheering.]
Bullhorn: Bring on the chitlins, collard greens, and ham-hock meat.
Let's get this mother[bleep.]
started.
- I'm ready to eat.
- Everyone, take your seats.
We're about to begin the soul food [bleep.]
your speech, nigga.
[bleep.]
your speech.
[wood creaks.]
Let's get this party started.
[laughs.]
I'm Thick James, bitch.
[laughs.]
[wistful music plays.]
- On your march - We're on, nigga.
[music stops, gunshot.]
[contestants munching rapidly, crowd cheering.]
Mmm! Mm-Mmm! I'm Thick James, bitch.
Too bad you slow mother[bleep.]
got to chew your food.
[laughs.]
I'm Thick James, bitch.
[crowd chanting "Thick James".]
[burps monstrously.]
[partygoers gagging.]
Oh! My mouth was open! - Food is a hell of a drug.
- And the winner is Thick James.
[crowd cheering.]
[chuckles.]
Thick James is truly touched by your kindness.
First, though, I'd like to thank my lord and savior for blessing me with such a wide throat, making me greedy enough to swallow such quantities of food at one time.
[gagging.]
[partygoers gasp.]
[continues gagging.]
[feedback.]
And the new winner is, uh, Bullhorn! [crowd cheering.]
And now to present the trophy to the new champ, the sexiest and only white woman on the beach, international movie star Bo Derek.
[crowd cheering.]
- Ha ha! - That's what I'm talkin' about! [crowd chanting "white bitch".]
Come on, white girl! [chanting continues.]
["Jaws" theme plays.]
B.
D.
: Man.
All this having fun and happiness with nothing going wrong, it's like there's no reason for Black Dynamite to even be here.
Ooh! Look, Black Dynamite! I'm surfing all by myself! B.
D.
: Stop playing with that [bleep.]
fake shark fin, little orphan Arnold.
It's not funny.
Okay, Black Dynamite.
["Jaws" theme plays.]
B.
D.
: Surf, little orphan Penny! Surf like I never taught you how to surf before! - [shark roaring.]
Noooooo! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # ["Jaws" theme plays.]
[shark roaring, all screaming.]
Cream Corn: Black Dynamite! Save my ass! There's a shark! [screaming continues.]
[shark roaring.]
- Oh, my god! - B.
D.
: Are you all right? - [weakly.]
Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep.]
- Black Dynamite! [screaming continues.]
B.
D.
: Lifeguard! Out there in the water, there's a - Aah! Get out of the water! - Come on, man.
- Help him, Black Dynamite.
- Do something, Black Dynamite! [screaming continues.]
- God damn, that was your daddy! - Cream Corn: Oh, damn! Why the hell you ain't helping, Black Dynamite? B.
D.
: Because I can't swim, damn it! Are you happy now? I said it.
Black Dynamite can't [bleep.]
swim.
- [gasps.]
What? - B.
D.
: And when the [bleep.]
did y'all learn how to swim, anyway? Y'all been taking lessons behind my back? Cream Corn: Wait.
But didn't you swim after me in Vietnam? B.
D.
: That was last season, and besides, I was suffering from posttraumatic flashback disorder.
[partygoers murmuring.]
I'm sorry for saying you weren't [bleep.]
Black Dynamite.
I know you weren't gonna let that shark eat me.
- Mwah! - B.
D.
: Thank you, little orphan Penny, but the truth is, Black Dynamite was gonna let that shark eat the hell out you before he would've got in that water.
[gasps.]
If he were Dynamite, he'd be able to swim.
Bullhorn: You were in the CIA, and you was a navy S.
E.
A.
L.
talkin' 'bout you can't swim? Man, are you for real? Honey Bee: Yeah, Black Dynamite.
How is that possible? B.
D.
: Somehow I've just always found a way to avoid swimming.
Cream Corn: But what about that bubble bath you took with the Supremes or that time you was in the shower with Diana Ross, Donna Summer, and Chaka Khan? B.
D.
: I'm not afraid of water, just swimming, damn it! Now, if you shut the [bleep.]
up when I'm trying to give you a flashback, - I can give you one.
- Cream Corn: Sorry, Black Dynamite.
- Go ahead and flash back.
- Oh, my god! Oh, Black Dynamite! Please swim out there and save our kids.
[indistinct chatter.]
B.
D.
: I was a staticky mother[bleep.]
for weeks, but at least I didn't have to swim.
[indistinct chatter.]
[moaning.]
Oh, we love you, Black Dynamite.
- Thank you.
- Okay, guys.
Dr.
Wu's underwater base is directly below us.
Let's swim down there, infiltrate via the docking ports, and Black Dynamite.
[gun cocks.]
Black Dynamite! Wait, wait! Wait, wait! [all scream.]
- Damn it! - B.
D.
: In some cases, it would've actually been easier just to swim, but I managed to find a harder way not to.
Black Dynamite! I see you standing there! Swim out here and easily save my life! - [bomb beeping.]
Suey! - Is that a bomb? [screams.]
Why does he stop everything with bombs?! B.
D.
: You smell like fish ass.
[Thud.]
So, you see, I am powerless to save [bleep.]
this, Rallo.
I'll never get in the ocean again.
It's strictly water guns and - fire hydrants for me.
- I'm with you, Rallo.
Let's go.
[indistinct chatter.]
[telephone rings.]
[growls, slobbers.]
Hello?! Damn it, Mr.
Mayor, can't you see that I'm building a slave ship in a bottle? Uh, Mr.
President, I'm sorry to inform you, but the water's empty, and the party's over, and the shark only got one negro so far.
No! This plan's too good to just blow my load over one ghetto hamster.
You'd better find a way to get those swamp donkeys back in the water, or you'll never merk in this titty again, which is "buckwheat" for, - "you'll never work in this city again"! - Uh, but Mr.
President, uh, merking in this titty is all I got! [line clicks.]
H-Hello? [beeping.]
Sir, I believe the R.
A.
C.
I.
S.
T.
has an idea.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen of the blaqua party, I present to you Earth, wind, fire - and water in the water.
- Oh, fire and water! - # Do you remember# - Damn.
Nobody can resist Earth, wind, fire and water.
Come on, Rallo.
[all cheering.]
B.
D.
: Mnh-mnh.
Come back! It's too dangerous! Cream Corn: I mean, it was just one little shark attack.
Bullhorn: Man, it may be risky, but this concert I cannot pass.
We better move fast 'cause ain't no tellin' how long our asses will last.
Honey Bee: Oh, please.
A shark can bite my arm off.
I'm-a get me a man to turn down before I leave.
B.
D.
: Cream Corn! Honey Bee! Bullhorn! Who the [bleep.]
are you, and why are you sneaking up behind me all mysterious like that? [wind rushing.]
I was once told that bitches like mysterious mother[bleep.]
so ever since then, I've tried to be a mysterious mother[bleep.]
B.
D.
: First of all, it's clear that that's not working out for you.
Second of all, that still doesn't tell me who the hell you are.
Oh, my name is Captain Quinton.
I'm a conservationist and lover of every goddamn thing aquatic.
Some call me a nut, but I'm really just a "seaman.
" [giggles.]
That was a joke.
Aw, whatever.
I've traveled the world and the seven seas.
Everybody's looking for something.
But what I'm looking for is that 200-year-old shark that has just redeveloped the taste - for black blood.
- B.
D.
: Black blood? Please tell me that was just another corny joke.
Oh, I never joke.
You think that was a [bleep.]
random shark attack? That was the work of Black Jaws.
[mysterious music plays.]
B.
D.
: Black Jaws? Damn.
I used to know a bitch named Black Jaws, and she was a man-eater, too, but that's another story.
Go on, captain.
All right.
But I would like to hear about that bitch a little later.
Now, it all started back in slavery, with two slave cats named Rallo.
- Come on, now.
Roll the dice.
- Yeah, nigga, stop wasting our time.
Ha ha! Snake eyes, bitch! - Give it up, Rallo! - Shit! Here he comes.
All right.
You boys better not be down there having a good time.
Remember, this is slavery! Rallo, we can't have no fun with these mother[bleep.]
- enslaving us! - I'm about to get the hell up out of here, man.
We can't be too far from Africa.
- Come on! - Shh! All right.
Let's goooo! Freedom! [screams.]
[screams.]
This is a bad idea, Rallo! [Black Jaws growling.]
[all scream.]
For many years after that, Black Jaws followed every damn slave ship in hopes of getting some more of that black blood, and blacks stayed out the water for more than 200 years.
Now, if we don't destroy Black Jaws now, blacks will never be able to swim in peace again.
B.
D.
: But why black blood? Hell, I don't know.
Black mother[bleep.]
might taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know that.
Why? 'Cause I don't eat black mother[bleep.]
.
Now, look, Black Dynamite, the future of black swimming is in your hands.
B.
D.
: Wait.
Why my hands? 'Cause I can give two squid shits about you suckas swimmin', but because I'm a mysterious negro that just happens to like chasing black sharks, I'm-a help you.
[all cheering.]
# Ba de ya # - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - # ba de ya # [all scream.]
Honey Bee: Oh, my god! It ate water! Damn it! - I almost had him, too.
- I want to run, Rallo, but when's the next time we're gonna get a free Earth, wind, fire and water concert I mean a Earth, wind, - and fire concert.
- Yeah, yeah, he probably already done eating.
He already ate two.
[all screaming.]
I mean he already three guys, so, yeah, he probably ain't even hungry no more.
Ain't that right, Rallo? [Black Jaws growling.]
Honey Bee: Okay, that did it.
Enough Earth, wind, fire - and water for me.
- Cream Corn: Y'all go ahead.
- I'm still waiting on my song.
- B.
D.
: Honey Bee, Bullhorn Captain Quinton.
He's a mysterious mother[bleep.]
that knows everything about sharks and [bleep.]
Cream Corn: He-e-e-e-lp! [screaming.]
Honey Bee: Oh, my goodness! The shark goin' eat Cream Corn! No, he ain't 'bout to eat him.
He just ate.
He's saving him for later.
Your boy Cream Corn is a doggie bag.
B.
D.
: Damn it.
We have to kill that killer shark before that killer shark kills again.
But since we don't have a boat, maybe we should just - say our goodbyes now.
- Honey Bee: No, you don't have to kill him! He's dying.
Look.
Nah, he ain't dead.
That's just the sluggish behavior sharks exhibit after eating large quantities of food.
The nautical term is "the itis.
" But when he wakes up, oh, he gonna chomp the shit out of his ass.
Bullhorn: I'm tired of jabberin' our jaws.
Let me at him, man, and I'll [yawns.]
Honey Bee: Looks like Bullhorn got the itis, too.
- Get your ass up.
- Listen, we can go out after him on my boat.
Honey Bee: But which one is yours? [chuckles.]
Now, look, we gonna need some bait some nice big black bait.
[music.]
[sonar pinging.]
B.
D.
: Cream Corn! Cream Corn: The shark [bleep.]
up my hair, Black Dynamite! B.
D.
: [bleep.]
your hair, Cream Corn! - Swim to the damn boat! - Cream Corn: No! Look at my hair! It's not worth it! Save yourselves! Save yourselves! Honey Bee: Cream Corn, you better get your - curls ass over here.
- B.
D.
: Hurry, Cream Corn! [sonar pinging.]
If you don't swim faster, that's your ass and your hair! [Black Jaws roars.]
Cream Corn: [spits, gags.]
Okay! [Bleep.]
This leak can't be repaired.
We're gonna have to get in the water to save him! - B.
D.
: I can't.
- What the [bleep.]
you mean you can't? You ain't got a goddamn choice! B.
D.
: No, I-I can't swim.
What what if what if I fail? Black Dynamite can't fail.
No, i-it's not worth the risk.
Sorry, Cream Corn.
You're just gonna have to die for my pride.
Thank you! That's bull[bleep.]
fear of failure is for mother[bleep.]
that afraid of failing, and you are not afraid, and you don't fail! - What's something you can do well? - B.
D.
: Uh, I fight.
I [bleep.]
I [bleep.]
and fight.
- Then that's it! - B.
D.
: What's it? You have to conquer the sea with the same confidence you conquered [bleep.]
with! You ain't afraid of no bitch, right? Well, the sea is the baddest bitch you'll ever know.
The water's wet and [bleep.]
is wet.
It's the same thing, Black Dynamite.
You stroke it! You immerse yourself in it, and then, when you're ready, you thrust hard, and you go wherever you want to go! Now, look, you ain't got no time for foreplay, so you gotta take the jaws off this bitch now aah! [suspenseful music plays.]
[Black Jaws growling.]
Cream Corn: [screams.]
[screams.]
[spits.]
[Black Jaws roars.]
[war cries.]
- Huh? - Honey Bee: Bullhorn! Wake your ass up! We need your help! [war cries.]
Here, take that! Wh-whoa! - Cream Corn: Help, Black Dynamite! - Honey Bee: Black Dynamite! [echoing.]
The sea is the baddest bitch you'll ever know.
The baddest bitch you'll ever know.
Thrust hard, thrust hard, thrust hard! B.
D.
: [war cries.]
Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! [farts.]
B.
D.
: Suey! Suey! [screams.]
B.
D.
: Suey! Suey! [screams.]
B.
D.
: Aah! [Black Jaws groaning.]
[twinkle!.]
- Cream Corn: Damn.
What just happened? - B.
D.
: Too much soul food killed Thick James, and too much Thick James killed Black Jaws.
- I guess you are what you eat.
- Bullhorn: Uh, y'all look pissed.
- Was there something I missed? - Honey Bee: Anyways, Black Dynamite, how the hell we gonna get back to dry land? - B.
D.
: Suey! Suey! - Stroke it! Stroke it! Stroke it! Stroke it! Dynamite! Dynamite! [all cheering.]
[music plays.]
[shark growling.]
[horror music plays.]
Honey Bee: Aah! Oh! [music stops.]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, y'all! It's not Black Jaws it's just regular jaws.
- Together: Oh.
- Honey Bee: Sharks are back to eating white people again.
Let the Blaqua Party continue! - # Dynamite! Dynamite # - All right, we need another white bitch.
- No, no, no! - I'm sorry, sir.
- Operation Blaqua Party has failed.
- Their black blood is just too [bleep.]
strong.
If there was only a way to I don't know sickle their cells or That's it! Kiss, get the cell sickler on the phone.
Dynamite! Dynamite [funky music plays.]
I'm in love with chicken wings them string things gotta feel that hypertension tuggin' my heartstrings and when I'm feelin' good, start it off with [indistinct.]
ham hocks and bacon grease diabetic