Bojack Horseman (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

So, at the end of the day, I'm just a regular guy trying to live a regular life.
Remember that time you peed in Drew Barrymore's car? Uh, yes, I remember that.
Why do you remember that? It was in your book.
-You should do that to someone here.
-What? No.
Well, anyway, I can't believe I'm on a date with BoJack Horseman.
I feel like that anonymous girl from Chapter 8 of your book mixed with the pluck and determination of that anonymous girl -from Chapter 12.
-We don't need to dwell on the past.
Wait, shut up.
Is this the restaurant you bought when you were trying to show up Mr.
Peanutbutter? -Uh No.
-Hey, this table's a little wobbly.
Want to yell at the waiter and make a scene? -No, I don't need-- -Come on, do that BoJack thing where you make a big deal and everyone laughs, but at the same time we relate, because you're saying the things polite society won't.
That's not-- Ugh -Is everything all right over here? -No, everything is not all right.
This table's been wobbling all evening.
If I wanted to flop around and get seasick for an hour, I'd call your mother.
-Something in that area or? -Take me home now and don't let me get out of bed until I turn horse-colored.
-What are you doing? -Did you want me to stay? No, I wanted you to leave more quietly.
Some of us here are trying to forget you exist.
"Forget you exist.
" Classic BoJack.
Love it.
- Oh, my God, are you Todd? - Uh, yes.
"Shut up, Todd!" Aw, okay.
Hey, Todd, can you drive me to get my car? I wanted to be responsible last night, so I Ubered home -and left my car in the fountain.
-Sorry, BoJack.
I gotta get ready for my grand opening.
It's finally happening.
My Disneyland.
I realize that by saying "what" I might set off a chain of events whereby we continue this conversation, but what? Well, remember when I first moved in and I kept asking -if we could go to Disneyland? -I do not.
And then you said that there was no Disneyland.
-No.
-That Disneyland was a made-up lie, like the tooth fairy, that parents use to get their kids to behave.
-Oh, yeah, that shut you up.
-Sure did.
But then I thought, why isn't there a Disneyland? People would love it! So, I took matters into my own hands, and over the last five years, I built my own Disneyland.
You've been doing this for five years? How have you never mentioned it? I bought that cheap plot of non-arable dirt by the toxic waste dump -up the hill from the old fire station.
-Okay, Todd.
-I'm gonna build a Disneyland.
-Sounds great, champ.
If it wasn't for that, she never would've gotten sober.
Just finished drawing up blueprints for that Disneyland I'm building.
Kind of busy here, Todd.
So, it turned out to be a good thing I peed in her car.
Sorry for all the noise.
Got this crew of worker bees to help me build my Disneyland.
Okay, I get it.
You are building your own Disneyland.
-Literally the first I'm hearing of this.
-Anyway, tomorrow we open the gates.
Finally, people will have a place to go after they win the Super Bowl.
But you do know that there already is a Disneyland? -Yeah, I built it.
-No, I mean the real Disneyland.
You mean, the one in the hearts and minds of children everywhere? -The one in Anaheim! -I think we're saying the same thing.
Are we? Well, I think it's safe to take the cone off.
I can do it for a small co-pay.
Can't say I'll miss it, but we did have some crazy adventures together these last few weeks.
Honey, would you rub my chin for me so I can remember things? Oh, um, okay.
Uh Yeah, memories.
Hey, where should we go for my first meal after the operation? It's not an operation, but we could go to Storky's again.
Oh, yeah! We're finally due for our free sub.
"Storky's, where your 81st sandwich is free.
" We've been there 80 times? It just opened last month.
Yeah, but you love it, so whenever you suggest it, I always say yes.
Yeah, but 80 times? Well, that'll be $6000.
Good thing you're getting a free sandwich, huh? What the? Huh? Okay, you guys.
You vultures are killing me! I'm sure he's talking about other vultures.
Ah, the Valley.
Because sometimes you wanna go where no one knows your name.
- BoJack Horseman! - Pinky? Hey, how are you? Oh, great! -How's the book biz? -Who knows? I jumped off that burning ship.
Print media? What a joke.
Now I got a job in broadcast network television, a booming industry with nowhere to go but up.
Oh, God.
-What are you doing here? -Oh, my boss loves this place.
Do you know Wanda Pierce? Wanda just got named head of programming at MBN.
We're here to celebrate.
Well, that and she just woke up from a 30-year coma.
Wait, she just got out of a 30-year coma and she's the head of programming at a major broadcast network? She's been with the company 30 years.
Everyone above her kept getting fired.
Besides, she's got some really fresh ideas.
I am really feeling The Kirk Cameron Show.
I don't even need a pilot.
Let's just order 22 episodes.
How about a new show where celebrities try to guess whether or not people have talent? We'll air it three nights a week.
Okay, what if we got relevant superstar David Copperfield to make the World Trade Center disappear? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but David Copperfield really isn't a big draw anymore.
Actually, everything feels fresh if you just forget the last 30 years ever happened.
Huh.
And here's a special request.
I've never even heard of this song, "Special Feeling.
" Wanda, meet the one and only BoJack Horseman.
-Who? -BoJack.
-Who? -BoJack Horseman.
Is that name supposed to mean something to me? -Do you want to go skate? -Nah.
You know what they say, you can lead a horse to roller, but you can't make him rink.
-What? -That's really funny.
-You're funny.
-Really? Oh, my God.
You should be on TV, which, holy shit, they're flat now.
Actually, I was on.
You know what, I'm sick of talking about me.
Let's talk about you.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up from a 30-year coma.
So, now I'm sleeping on my sister's couch, but it's not ideal.
She's molting.
You know how sisters are.
Oh, jeez, got a couple curly guys in here with the regulars.
How hard is it to look before they bring it out? -Excuse me, miss? -I know, isn't it cool? -Like we're getting away with something.
-What? Don't you love it when appetizers have a little crossover episode? It's like when you're watching Happy Days and Mork shows up.
Oh, yeah, I guess.
Or like when Kramer was on Murphy Brown.
-Who? -Hey, you want to get out of here? I don't want MBN to just be another boring old network, you know what I mean? -Yes, totally.
-I want to take risks.
I want to swing for the fences, you know? Otherwise, what are we doing? Oh, my God, is it morning? We stayed up all night talking, -and we didn't even have sex.
-Well, it's not too late.
Oh! -That was fantastic.
-Oh, yes.
Of course, I haven't had sex in 30 years.
I hope.
-Something's wrong.
-What is it? I don't know, I feel weird, like I want to spend more time with you -even though I know we just had sex.
-Oh, okay.
No, you don't understand.
We already had sex, but I still want to spend time with you.
Is that normal? Am I normal? What is happening to me? We can spend more time together.
I want to do things with you.
Fully clothed, sober, in daylight hours.
-Okay.
-I don't understand these feelings.
Let's get food? Or walk in park? Or-- Oh, God, it's coming.
I can't stop it.
-Do you want to go to Disneyland? -Okay.
Disneyland has a lot more sparking wires and loose nails than I remember.
Please hold your questions until the end of the tour.
Here we have Mr.
Todd's Wild Death-Coaster.
The name is a work in progress, but we wanted to work "death" into the title for liability reasons.
And this is Gabe Jr.
, the Grease Fire of the Caribbean.
-This is boring.
I want to go home.
-Vincent, be nice! He's a little cranky because he just got adult braces.
-You mean, braces.
-Princess Carolyn, stop embarrassing me! Ugh.
And here we have Cinderella's magical pile of used mattresses.
Help! Is it a good idea to keep all those mattresses -so close to an active grease fire? -Where's your sense of wonder, Diane? -Your friend is really negative.
-Yeah, don't be so negative, Diane.
-What? -You know I hate negativity.
I mean, I don't hate it because that's also negative, but you know.
-Hey, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
-Hey, buddy.
This place is amazing.
It's like some sort of Disney version of Knott's Berry Farm.
Oh, that's exactly what I was going for! I can't wait to get involved and really spray the old Mr.
Peanutbutter scent on everything.
Uh, I was sort of thinking of this as kind of just my thing.
Well, technically, you did build this while working for P.
B.
Livin, so I have the blah-blah-blah of first refusal or whatever.
Oh, uh, okay.
I mean, that's just good business.
We're in this together now, Todd, and nothing will distract me from-- Erica! You can't be here.
This place is filled with children.
Coach said he saw you headed to the visitor's locker room with a steel pipe.
You really think I'm the guy who busted that pinto's leg? 'Cause if I am, you should be a lot more goddamn scared of me.
Hey! My girlfriend's here.
Look, everyone! I have a girlfriend! Sure.
We'll cut there.
The middle of your line is as good a place as any.
-What are you doing here? -Just wanted to stop by.
We're filming Hey, I Think You Can Dance! next door.
Look at you, all professional.
Like Natalie Portman in that movie where she was a professional.
Who? People are watching.
Ugh.
The first time BoJack dates a woman his own age, she's basically just a stunted 20-year-old.
Well, BoJack's stunted, too.
He got famous in his twenties, so he'll be in his twenties forever.
After you get famous, you stop growing, you don't have to.
Every celebrity has an age of stagnation.
I'm glad I never got famous.
I mean, I did write a best-selling book, but I'm not famous-famous.
It doesn't just happen when you get famous.
Your age of stagnation is when you stop growing.
For most, it's when they get married, settle into a routine.
You meet someone who loves you unconditionally and never challenges you or wants you to change, and then you never change.
But mostly it's just the famous people, right? Stella! Stella! Corona Light.
This place is incredible.
I wanted to make you feel at home, and nothing was bigger in the '80s than '50s nostalgia.
It really feels like I'm back in the '80s, feeling like I'm back in the '50s.
It's like if Back to the Future and Peggy Sue Got Married got married.
Okay, teenyboppers, let's take things back to the '50s, '50s style, with this classic '50s hit that everybody remembers: "I Just Met My Perfect Match.
" Wanda, these last few days have been so amazing.
You've given me a fresh start.
In fact, it almost feels like I just woke up from a 30-year coma.
I'm sorry, did you say you just woke up from a 30-year coma? -Oh, no, not me.
Her.
-That's insane.
I just woke up from a 30-year coma.
Whoa! Sorry about that needle skip, folks.
Let's start that song again from the beginning.
I'm Alex.
-Wanda.
-And I'm BoJack.
It's been really tough for me these last few weeks.
I've never seen Home Alone and everyone makes me feel like a freak because of it.
-You've never seen Home Alone? -I've never seen it! -Also, I don't really know what a DVR is.
-Neither do I! -No one does.
It's just a magic box.
-Wanda, we have so much in common.
Really it's just one thing.
You can't count each individual thing as a different thing.
That's like saying I have a lot in common with Kanye West because we both breathe air.
Who? Jinx.
Buy me a Coke Zero.
What's a Coke Zero? I have no idea.
We gotta hang out more.
I didn't know there was anyone else like me.
Give me your fax and pager number so I can add them to my Rolodex.
Tubular.
I don't trust that guy.
I bet he's seen Home Alone.
BoJack, I'm starting to lose the thread of your character.
You think you can drop the jealous boyfriend routine? It feels a little done.
You're right, I'm sorry.
Call me Snoop Dogg -because I will drop it like it's hot.
-BoJack, I don't-- I got that one! Snoopy the dog.
From "Peanuts.
" Okay.
I got here as fast as I could.
Where's this next Haley Joel Osment? -That was a lie to get you here.
-Aw, fish.
-There's never a next Haley Joel Osment.
-And there never will be.
Sorry I tricked you, but with Todd running his own Disneyland and actress Margo Martindale in prison for some reason I don't remember, you're the best friend I've got.
Now grab the binoculars.
I need dirt on Wanda's new gentleman friend.
No, BoJack.
What's the play here? You'll find one little imperfection and harp on it like you do with my boyfriend? You do understand what my "thing" is with your boyfriend? You'll just push her into this other guy's arms.
Wanda likes you.
Why ruin that? This is Comrade Alexander calling KGB High Command.
It's been two weeks since I woke up, and I still have not been contacted by my handlers.
I am awaiting orders to take down the American dogs and pigs and other various animals and humans.
Come in, KGB High Command.
Slap my salami, the guy's a commie.
Hey, what's going on here? You've been served with a cease-and-desist from my clients, the Walt Disney Company.
I wanted to make sure what we were doing here was 100 percent legal, -so I called a lawyer.
-Wait, what? As it turns out, it's not legal at all.
Who knew? -Mr.
Peanutbutter.
-We'll see you in court.
-The food court? -No.
Regular court.
Okay.
But also I'm hungry, so I might just stop by the food court first.
Let the record show, this is the single dumbest case I've ever adjudicated.
-Mr.
Chavez? -Okay.
I'm just gonna throw this out there.
Is it possible maybe when the other guys tried to copyright the name Disneyland, they wrote down something else by mistake, so "Disneyland" is still up for grabs? Okay, well, let's have a look at the Articles of Incorporation to see if Walt Disney accidentally trademarked the wrong name.
I'm sure these-- -What? -There's a typo.
Di-isneyland.
With two "i"s.
That son of a gun trademarked the wrong name.
May I, counselor? D-I-I-S.
This is unambiguous.
-I find in favor of the defendant.
-Aw, shit.
-You're the defendant.
-Aw, sweet! Your Otter, this is a gross miscarriage of justice.
Hooray! Gross miscarriage! And that's how I turned my dream into what I call "The Happiest Place On Urf.
" Urf is a made-up magical kingdom I added to the Disney canon.
-Americans, they like this theme park? -Oh, they love it.
It represents everything America stands for.
Da.
-I mean, yeah.
-We did it, buddy! Actually, I did it.
I had the idea to build a park, I did all the work and I beat the lawsuit.
-Well, there's no "i" in "team," right? -But there is an "i" in "Disneyland.
" And unlike that other Disneyland, this Disneyland only has one "i".
What are you saying? You're not welcome at my theme park anymore.
There's only room for one goofy dog there and his name is Pluto.
Todd, no.
I've told the bees if they see you to sting you on sight.
You understand.
It's nothing personal.
It's just good business.
And that's how we do business on Urf.
-I don't like you like this.
-I learned it from you.
If I could get everyone's attention.
You're probably wondering why I invited you all here tonight.
You said it was to celebrate Todd's legal victory.
Right, but obviously, I don't care about that, so you're probably wondering the real reason.
No, we just took you at face value.
We have a special guest here tonight.
Alex.
Or should I say "comrade"? -Why would you say "comrade"? -Oh, I forgot to explain that part.
Alex is a KGB agent bent on destroying America.
-It truly is a small world after all! -Alex, is that true? Okay, yes.
It's true.
I was a deep-cover KGB operative before I went into my coma.
I've been trying to contact my handler in Russia, but I can't reach him and I don't know if I ever will.
Aww! No! He's-- It's not adorable! He's a soviet sleeper-agent who doesn't realize the Cold War is over.
I felt totally alone in this world before I met Wanda.
And then I met all of you, my friends.
But if you're gonna kick me to the curb just because I think you're all capitalist swine and want to see your way of life destroyed, well, so be it.
-Or should I say, So-vi-et.
-Oh! Cute.
Wordplay.
-That's not even good wordplay.
-Wait, how did you know all this? -BoJack, were you spying on him? -He is literally a spy trying to destroy America, the country we all live in.
How am I the bad guy here? BoJack, I am really bumping on the whole you-not-liking-Alex of it all.
-You told me you were going to drop it.
-Yeah, but-- I don't care about Alex.
I want to know what happened to the amazing guy I spent the last few days with, because if this is who you are, I don't think I like it.
Alex, would you take me back to my sister's place? Sure thing, Wanda.
And I can get you there fast because I'm always Russian.
Aww! Seriously? I got here as fast as I could.
Where's the next Dakota Fa--? Oh, I get what happened.
Could you get me a beer from the fridge? I didn't want to stand up.
Wait, no.
I don't deserve beer.
You called me all the way over here to not get you a beer? Why do I always do this? I push away everyone I care about.
Oh, do you? I never noticed that.
Look, you obviously really care about this girl and that scares you, so you sabotage yourself.
That's my problem.
I'm too good at sabotage.
-Why am I so good at everything I do? -Hey, I got a crazy idea.
How about you just stop sulking and go win her back, dummy? You're right.
I gotta win her back, put it all on the line.
You know what? I think I will have that beer, can you get it for me? -Why do I bother? -Hey, grab a beer for yourself, too! Actually, I want both beers! -Wanda.
-What do you want, BoJack? There's something I gotta say.
When I was-- -Todd! There's something I gotta say! -Hey, I'm kind of already doing-- I never should have tried to make your thing my thing! I just got excited and wanted to smear Mr.
Peanutbutter all over everything.
I should have been supporting you, like this support beam.
-Or a different support beam.
-It's my fault.
The point of Disneyland isn't to make money and win lawsuits.
But I forgot that.
So, these two were so consumed by greed that it destroyed them.
You know, I came here today to blow up Disneyland.
-You what? -But now I realize, I don't need to take down capitalism.
Capitalism sows the seeds for its own destruction.
It's a snake that eats itself.
It's only a matter of time.
Hey, buddy, let's just say we-- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
No! Gabe Jr.
! Quick, Todd! The mattress pile! Jump to safety! No! Bees, help! Your queen commands you! No! Bees! Come on! -You gotta-- Over the-- -What is it, boy? What's wrong? -Hey, there's trouble.
-Did some kid fall down a well? No, no, no! Listen.
He's trying to tell us a kid fell down a well.
-Let's go, go, go! Come on! -Bad, bad, bad.
You gotta-- No, no, no, listen! Wait, Wanda, we need to talk.
-But the fire.
-I don't care about that.
Look, the great guy you've been getting to know, that's me.
That other guy, the guy from the party, that's me too and you need to know that.
I'm not perfect.
I'm cynical and I'm possessive and I can sometimes fly off the handle.
I'm not always the best at being not terrible.
I gotta say, I'm not loving this pitch so far.
But I want to be better, I'm trying to be better.
And when I'm around you, for the first time in 30 years, I feel like I can be.
Wanda, you make me want to be a better man.
Wow.
That's a great line.
-Did you just come up with that? -Yes.
Hey, boys and girls, this is your park DJ speaking.
And as the Titanic's band played on as the ship sank, so too will I spin one last record as my DJ booth is engulfed in flames.
Hooray! Mr.
Peanutbutter.
-You saved me! -No.
I saved us.
Woo-hoo! -I want to give this a real shot.
-I don't know, BoJack.
I just got out of my coma, and I don't have time to waste if you're still figuring your shit out.
Plus, it's hard to think straight with this fire everywhere.
-Move in with me.
-What? I know it feels fast.
We barely know each other.
It's crazy, but I like you.
And sometimes you gotta swing for the fences, right? -Okay.
-Yeah? Yeah.
Let's move in together.
Let's do it.
It's crazy, but let's do it! Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!