Broad City (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

Hello.
We would love to use our free passes to see one movie and only one movie.
- Um, we're gonna see - "Fang for a fang.
" Gotta support book adaptations.
- You read the book? - No.
Thank you.
Okay.
Have a good rest.
(Man) Gun it, bitch, without that cocaine, I can't control the other werewolves.
Um, I'm confused.
Chris Rock is killing all the werewolves, but he is also a werewolf.
This movie makes no sense.
I love it.
(Woman) I don't care what the principal says, I'm in love with you.
Did you bring any more almond milk? - (Chair thumping) - Yeah, I just - Ow.
- Shush! - I'm just trying - Shh! I'm just trying (Muttering) Do you want any popcorn? There's milk duds on the bottom, actually.
All right, yeah.
My favorite.
Ilana Are you (Bleep) kidding me? That's not cool dude.
Hello, sir, we'd like to report that the sound was really subpar.
The dolby was nowhere near 5.
1 Great, okay.
See you next week.
Four and three and two and one one All major religions have a dual God system, one visible face and one invisible.
Okay, call me after Dave and Busters.
Say hi to your mom.
Hi, Abbi-Dabbi.
Smells like you've been working out.
What is this? I have been making some home improvements.
This way we don't have to trudge all the way to the master fridge.
Watch.
- It's like two feet farther.
- Simple.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Elegant.
Bevers, do you want me to get it? It's heavy.
- It's clearly gonna the floor.
- Oh, (Bleep).
I'm sorry.
I guess I don't know my own strength.
Holy (Bleep).
Bevers, what is on your back? You know, I don't know.
I just know it itches a lot, and it really hurts.
Is it a mosquito bite? No, that is definitely not a mosquito bite.
I think it's a bed sore.
I've only been sitting on the couch so, technically, you're gonna have to call it a couch sore, but How have you been on my couch long enough to get a couch sore? You don't even live here, your girlfriend does.
Where's Melody? You just missed her.
She's on her way to Port-Au-Prince right now.
Of course she is.
She leaves her boyfriend here to go on, what, some (Bleep) cruise? Uh, no.
She's spearheading Habitat For Humanity down there.
I know everybody else has moved on to the new hip tragedy, but it's still a mess down in Haiti.
I know it is.
Terrible.
You need to get off of my couch.
You need to take a long hard look at yourself right now.
This is so disgusting.
Just do something with your life.
Do anything.
Jesus.
I can't I can't do this, Bevers.
Ow.
Please stop.
I'm trying to be all zen Buddha, you know? Tea.
Hey, Nicole.
Nic, Nic, Nic.
Do you ever, um, get hair from your head stuck in your butt crack in the shower? Do you? - Ilana? - Hey, buddy, what's up? My therapist has encouraged me to write down my feelings.
I didn't know you go to a therapist me, too.
"Dear Ilana, when you do not do work, I feel disrespected and" - I had no idea.
- "And less than.
" "I will be out for the rest of the day, and when I return, you you need to have gotten a deal, or I will have to let you go.
Very sincerely, Todd.
" You know what? Challenge accepted.
Okay? I'm proud of you.
That was great.
Yeah, I'll do it, - I'll work.
- Thank you.
Bevers? Bevers? Hello? There ain't no reason you and me should be alone tonight yeah baby tonight yeah baby and I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight I need a man that thinks it's right when it's so wrong tonight yeah baby tonight yeah baby right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight it's hard to feel the rush to brush the dangerous I'm gonna run right to to the edge with you where we can both fall far in love I'm on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment of truth out on the edge Hey, Nicole, how would you describe exactly what it is we "do" at this "company.
"? Todd told you to work.
I am, Nicoletta.
I'm hiring interns.
Yeah, two words, baby.
Steve Jobs techno-visionary, created many jobs.
Oh, okay.
See you later.
Wow, wow, wow.
This is an incredible resume.
Did you print this yourself? Yeah, you just, uh, press "Ctrl P.
" Wow, wow, wow, wow.
My biggest weakness is that I lose my purse a lot.
But then my biggest strength is that I always get it back.
Does that answer your question? You asked me the question, and then just started answering it yourself.
Excellent listening skills.
I've been taking the path train into Manhattan every morning not great for my thigh bursitis.
But on the bright side, my kids sure are happy to have me out of the house.
Gotta tell you, Frank, this would absolutely be a pity hire.
That would be amazing.
I just don't think you're deals deals deals material.
I already work here.
Stop letting strangers in the building.
Sorry about that.
Oh, you missed the all right.
What up, Trey? So much better.
Thank you for asking.
You know I have been in such a funk lately, 'cause you know I donated $14,000 to Zach Braff's - Kick-starter, and - Fourteen thousand dollars? I mean that's a lot of money.
Yeah, my whole savings, but it was worth every penny.
The bummer is that they spelled my name wrong in the credits, and I didn't get my set visit.
But, you know what, today is a new day.
Cha-chinga! Yeah, you know what, I'm in a really good mood today, too.
Today is a che-chinga.
It's "cha-chinga.
" But that's great.
Our cycles must be synched.
Our our happiness cycles.
Yeah, you're normally so sad and sickly and depressed, but today you're rocking positive vibes.
All you, buddy.
All you, all you.
Nice work, brother.
You know what, I do feel like my vibes are like off the chain today.
You know what, you seem ready to rise up and meet an opportunity.
Would you like to assist me today? I would love to.
- Rock on, garth let's party.
- Yeah, let's rock it.
And guess what? I found my muse.
Hey, Abbi.
Bevers.
You guys know each other? - You two boyfriend-girlfriend? - God, no.
He's my roommate's boyfriend.
So, you know his body.
This is great.
I could use an extra hand, because I'm documenting his transformation for bodybytrey.
biz, my website.
Will you help me train him? - Yeah, I'll help you train Bevers.
- Great.
Give me five more minutes on that elliptical, then Abbi will stretch you out.
Thumbs up.
He's incredible.
All right, I'm gonna go grab my Lumia and take some pics.
He is the perfect "before" picture.
A lump of clay we're gonna sculpt together, Abbi.
Okay.
He's gonna be my garden state.
- (Slap) - Okay.
Kinda inappropriate.
Wow.
- Ilana? - Yes? This is Todd's desk.
Yes, mhm.
And I thought you were hiring one intern.
I know, but look at the diversity I'm bringing to this company.
Frank lives in Hoboken.
He's a modern-day gypsy.
And, hey, the company can afford it.
Because you're not paying them.
Exactly.
You and I are seriously like mind meld, on the same page.
You gotta check this out, too.
These are dinosaurs, stills of dinosaurs.
They're made of the same thing stars are made of, which is what we are made of (Phone vibrating) Do we have to keep doing this? It's the three in the middle.
I keep telling you that.
You were attacked in broad daylight.
We have to make sure this gang doesn't hit anybody else.
Okay, number four, please step forward, say your line.
Nice razor scooter, pencil dick.
You aborted Macklemore mother(Bleep).
You *** (Bleep) look-alike Albert Nobbs.
I wish I hadn't reported this.
Number five.
Nice razor scooter, pencil dick.
You aborted Macklemore mother Bevers, what are you even doing here? Well, that stuff you said last night really got me thinking I can be better.
I need to start by improving my physical form.
That's great, but there are so many gyms in Astoria closer to our apartment, closer to my apartment.
Jesus, why'd you have to come to this one? This is the only gym my friend Abbi works in, plus they provide free razors.
You have a beard.
Oh, God, ew.
Abbi, angle his gluteus towards me.
Yep, perfect.
I'm excited to do this with you, Abbi.
We can take the subway here together.
I'll break for lunch whenever you do.
We help each other.
I don't need help, Bevers.
Oh, really? 'Cause I see someone is training instead of cleaning.
It's already happening, Abbi.
I mean, I guess so.
Oh! (Farts) I'm sorry.
Okay, I think we're done.
Abbi, if you farted, it's all right.
Trey, I did not just fart.
- I moved his gluteus sensitive - Yeah, that's a woman's fart.
Hi, Miss Wexler? Please, call me Ilana.
Actually, call me Miss Wexler.
That was dope.
- Okay, I was just wondering - Before you finish, I want you to know that you already have the answers.
Unlock the solutions deep within you.
(Vocalizing explosion) Now, get out of here.
Oh, my God.
Ilana.
Please, call me Miss Wexler.
Miss Wexler, I closed on that nail article.
You made $400 in commission.
Perfect.
Now, go get another one.
Holy (Bleep) moly.
Baby girl, you know we can make commission here? Love ya.
My interns, gather.
Okay, kids, when I started this day, I had one goal and that was to get a deal.
But then I learned what commission is, and now my goal is money, money, money, bitch.
Now, I'm gonna take lunch, but I need you guys to keep it on, on, on, on, on.
Please don't leave the building so that you work and also I won't be able to sign you back in 'cause I won't be here.
Okay.
Your fly is down, yeah.
(Whistling) What a cool boss.
Your transformation will inspire millions.
Come on, Abbi, do it with him.
Abbi, motivate him, tell him how ripped he's gonna be.
So ripped.
Come on, be more specific.
Paint a picture of how he's gonna look with words.
Uh, muscly, like on the top and then skinny stomach.
Drop that ball.
All right, buddy.
Come on, yes.
All right, go protein up, all right? I'll come find you, if I can see you.
You're really shrinking, buddy.
Bodybytrey.
biz.
Cut out.
All right, Abbi, that was not great.
Now, look, Matthew is very special, all right? When you're home with him, I want you to monitor his diet, his sleep, even his stool.
I want you to be all over him, okay? If you can do that, there's no telling how far we can go.
Oh, and, Abbi, could you clean up all this sweat.
It's really stinky.
It's actually my lunch break.
Good call.
It'll totally be here when you get back.
But, Abbi, hashtag get clean.
Your farts don't smell healthy.
It's not - Hi.
- Hi, I'm here to meet my friend Ilana.
- Oh, yes, Miss Wexler.
- Yes.
Right this way, sir.
I'm not a sir.
I wear a ponytail out one time.
Whoo-hoo! What up, queen? Check it.
I got a dirty-ass Martini, a clean white power suit, originally 119, down to 69, down to 39.
Thank you.
TJ Maxx.
Okay, Maxinista, I think you left the size tag on it.
Whup, can't get it by ya.
This, uh, Halliburton fat-cat lunch is on me.
I made $400 today already.
I hired an extremely diverse ethic smorgasbord of unpaid interns.
Turns out I'm an effective leader.
I'm happy that one of us is having a really good day, 'cause, um Bevers joined Soulstice today.
Well, just just wait for this, 'cause I'm helping Trey train him.
You're getting to train someone? Yeah, but it's Bevers.
So what? Rub some purrell in your mustache so you don't smell him.
Who cares? This is an opportunity.
Grab the bull by the balls, dude.
Guess you're right.
It's just my day job.
I'm gonna be like a successful artist any day now.
Obviously.
I could train the (Bleep) out of Bevers.
Hell, yes, you can.
To us and the future.
Oh.
I just ruined a perfectly clean white power suit.
I don't know if I would call it a white power suit, especially after you just, you know, talked about that ethnic smorgasbord of unpaid workers that you have.
What did you just say? Explain what you mean? Well, white power, um No, no, no mom, it is a job, but I'm not making any money.
Swing low sweet chariot coming forth to carry me home Ilana, one of your interns tried to leave so the other ones locked him in the conference room.
I have a Skype with a haunted pizza tour company.
I need that room like now.
What have I become? I don't know, but I need the room.
Goddam it! Bevers, come on, let's go! I'm gonna I'm gonna get to this right after.
We gotta, we're gonna do some stretching.
Yes.
Yes.
Abbi, I can't.
Abbi! Yes, yes.
(Groaning) Beautiful.
Here we go.
Be your soulstie self, Matthew.
- Yes, Abbi.
- Come on.
(Chanting) Meet and greet your potential yeah, feel that fuel running through your veins! Nice! Yes, you can I know you can.
You always quit too soon.
- Push him, Abbi.
- Come on, don't stop.
Be the change! Feel it.
You're running.
You are running! You got it, yes! Bevers, oh, my God! Oh, Bevers.
Go, get outta here, go.
But, wait why? Wait, why? Get out be free I don't want you here.
Go you must leave.
You deserve paid work.
I can't get paid work.
I just graduated from Cornell with a business degree.
That's the worst Ivy.
And I'm building my résumé.
My parents are finally proud of me.
What, is this because we made-out earlier? You beautiful boy.
Don't you see? I am Thomas Jefferson, and you are Stockholm syndrome.
Listen, I'll cut you each your checks.
These are index cards.
Future checks.
IOU's.
Obviously, I can't pay you until, um, I get paid, but fill out these envelopes with your address, leave them in the mailbox, labeled "Nicole," and I promise you you will get your reparations.
Taking to you, Aisha.
Be free, go.
Is this 'cause we made-out? I don't even know anymore, text me later.
(Man) Both ankles are sprained, and he's got a mild concussion.
Make sure he doesn't fall asleep for at least eight hours.
Keep him vertical.
Just set him up on a couch.
All right, thank you.
Bevers, I'm so sorry.
I really did not mean to hurt you.
You were just trying to push me.
Matthew, it's me, Trey.
We're gonna your core until your ankles heal, okay? No, I'm not coming back.
What? Matthew look how much healthier you are.
Bevers, Bevers.
To be honest, I'm really happy with the way I look.
Ew! He's obviously severely concussed.
Will you tell him he can't quit.
Trey, just let him leave.
You can't force someone to be something they're not.
You're right.
I push people too hard.
I'm sorry, Matthew.
I'm sorry I pushed you, too, Abbi.
You're not a trainer, you're a cleaner.
But I was so good.
I was great even, right up until he fell.
Stop.
Stop.
Good-bye, Matthew.
(Bevers snoring) Bevers, Bevers.
Can we go home now? Yeah, we're gonna go back to my apartment.
Back to our home.
We're gonna go to my my apartment.
Well, looky, looky, who's playing hooky? You are, Todd.
I was not hookying.
Oh, really, Todd? I beg to differ.
Are you filling out a contract? Yeah, I actually closed four deals today.
I was a capitalist pig, rolling around in my own (Bleep).
That is great thank you for listening to me.
Great job.
And your outfit is close to appropriate.
Good job on that as well.
Hey, Ilana? Who's Albert Nobbs? Oh, it's Glenn Close, pretending to be a woman, pretending to be a man.
Yeah, that's accurate.
I love Albert Nobbs.
So hot.
Dude, it's like it's hard enough to push a baby out through your vagine, but on top of that, I'm gonna defecate myself? I knew that you could (Bleep) while you give birth, but then I I immediately repress it.
I keep it like in the repression folder, you know? If it happened to me, you have my permission to look away.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'm gonna see you give birth then? Bitch, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur.
Who else would be my focal point? Also, I wanna do it in one of those birthing pools, and I feel like my apartment is just it's dirty, and there's a lot of traffic around it.
I thought maybe I could do it here.
In the living room.
You know, don't don't push away the idea of doing it right in my bedroom, though.
We can get my bed out.
You know, I'll move all my stuff out.
We'll just put your birthing pool, you know, in here.
- We'll bring it in.
- Thank you.
You know, these are actually really, really good.
- I didn't think they would be.
- I know it scares me.
Hey! Eyes open, Bevers! Eyes open! Abbi! I spilled!