Catastrophe (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Get them to cut it out of me, Rob.
Caesarean me, please.
It's not too late.
- It's too late.
You're crowning.
- Push it back in and cut it out.
Three people who live in this house wear nappies.
- I'm one of them.
- You haven't bonded with the baby? - No.
- Do you think you might have a little postnatal depression? Rob, do you think it's about time for me to pop to IKEA? So you are finding your current circumstances difficult? Yeah.
No.
I mean, they're not, they're not difficult on paper.
I hate them but there are people all over the world who have it tougher than me.
You know, like I mean, I can't think of anyone now but, I don't know, Greek people.
And your husband? Are you able to tell him how you feel? Yeah, well, you know, I, I, I tell him but he's, he's tired.
He works a lot and we've got two kids under the age of three.
I'd say he thinks about the kids, then work, then sleep.
And then me or taking a shit.
I probably feature in his thoughts right after the toilet and just before a book about Hitler.
Oh, he likes to read about World War II.
He's not a bad person.
He's Just imagine a nice enough guy taking a shit and reading about Hitler and that's my husband.
OK.
And you said there's no suicidal ideation? No.
I mean, I do think about dying but in a kind of abstract way.
You know, like, sometimes I imagine a meteor hitting the house and killing me and the kids.
What about your husband? I don't know.
If he's home.
I don't care.
So, I thought maybe some pills? - Hey, how was that? - It was good.
It was fine.
It was good that you didn't come in with me, though, cos I was really able to rip into you.
Well, that's great, honey.
Did you get it all out or will I still get to listen to your nightly screed at 11.
15pm? Well, that depends on you, cowboy.
Oh, did she prescribe that you let me fuck you for the first time since February? No, but she prescribed me some pills that she said could make me more receptive to sex but less able to enjoy it.
Was that a riddle? Are you really just pissing? Because I can smell McDonald's.
One taxi driver-sized dump all changed.
- What time are you back? - Six or seven.
- Probably seven.
How are you feeling? - Yeah, pretty good.
You know, kind of even.
Like borderline nothing but in a good way.
- What are you doing today? - Baby drums and then Mummy and Me.
God, I hate them saying that.
And then probably go and get a coffee with Sam.
Talk about the other mums in the group.
Sam calls them "mombies".
You know, like, zombies? - That's great, honey.
- I know.
Incy wincy spider Climbed up the waterspout.
Trying not to travel around with my little haemorrhoid cushion but sitting on this cold floor is like, "Ow.
" - I had a C section.
- Oh, cool.
Have you seen the mum with the big brown eyes? Sam? - She usually sits with me.
Samantha ? - No, sorry.
Maybe she quit because she got tired of looking at her camel toe.
Incy wincy spider climbed up the water spout Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
I hate myself.
Want to come and see these mums? No.
What's going on with you crazy bitches? We were just seeing if we could get - a group together to see Paloma Faith.
- Ah, Paloma Faith.
I'm more of a Taylor Swift girl.
- I love Taylor Swift.
- I'm kidding.
She makes me barf.
My husband likes Paloma Faith.
He thinks she looks dirty.
Not dirty, like, she doesn't wash.
He just thinks she looks like she'd be up for, you know, whatever? Where's Sam? She's normally hear on a Tuesday.
- Was she here last week? - Samantha? She's gone back to work, I think.
- She what? - I think she said, last week, she was going back to work.
Well, you think or she said? Which is it? I'm pretty sure she said.
Right.
Right.
Paloma Faith.
Be funny to say that after someone sneezes.
Achoo.
Paloma Faith.
"Thank you.
" We should start that.
Hey, is Mallandra there? - Who? - Mallandra.
Your wife.
Yeah, I know who she is.
Why the fuck do you want to talk to her? - I want to talk to a mother.
- Talk to me.
I'm your brother.
I want to talk to a woman who's been afflicted with child by a man.
No.
I don't want you getting her all worked up.
She's happy with her lot.
What are you? Her fucking gatekeeper? Put on the phone.
- She's not here.
- Oh, you are so annoying.
Listen, while I have you, we need to talk about what you're going to do about Dad - because I don't have time this month.
- Boooooop.
Fuck off.
Dickhead.
- Hi.
- Hey, Fran.
Sorry, I Can't talk now.
Chris is leaving.
- He what? - It's fine.
It's just temporary.
- It's not temporary.
- Let's catch up soon.
Well, erm, OK.
No, we're renaming it .
.
and it's going to be an oval pill instead of round and it's a completely different package so now we can market it to cancer people.
Patients.
What? No.
I don't golf.
All right.
Take it easy, Ken.
Jesus! Do women get asked to golf all the time? We get asked to mentor Indian guys' daughters a lot - At least that makes sense - Which is interesting because I'm Iranian.
Right.
Of course.
Rob, I wanted to introduce Olivia Vasseur.
Olivia has been in our Paris office but is moving to London and will be running international research initiatives for us.
- Hello.
- Rob Norris.
- I try to make people buy drugs.
- He's being falsely modest.
I hired Rob to clean up a PR mess a few years ago and I've yet to meet a drug since that he can't sell.
Heroin, maybe? - You'll have to carry a gun.
- Yeah.
I don't want to carry a gun.
They're really heavy and I travel light.
You ever fired a gun? I don't know why I'm asking you that.
Yes, I'm good at selling drugs and I'm glad you work here now.
Me, too.
I haven't seen you wear that shirt to work before.
- This shirt? - Huh.
Isn't it more of an evening shirt? I guess it's a little dangerous.
- Does it look stupid? - No, it's cute.
And, you know, if you fancy it, you can always nip out and play a little snooker at lunchtime.
- I think I'm going to stop producing milk.
- Why? Because.
- I can't smoke pot any more.
- You don't smoke pot.
Well, I want to start.
I've been thinking about it and I want to start smoking pot.
I think it will help me chill out.
- Just meditate or something.
- Fuck off.
OK.
Maybe you should smoke pot.
I would like the option of being more than 15 feet away from Muireann for more than 15 minutes.
Have you seen the way she looks at me now? I'm just a giant tit to her.
Also, have you seen my nipples recently? They're not pink any more.
They're not even red.
- They're black.
- They aren't black.
OK, they're brown.
Who cares? The baby still wants to suck them.
I still want to suck them.
- We don't care what colour they are.
- I care.
Hey.
Have you seen my balls lately? - I don't look at them.
- You shouldn't have to.
May I? Go for it.
I just, I want to have a little look and then in a platonic, medical way see what they taste like.
- I haven't had a wash.
- Good.
You smell like onions.
OK.
I guess I'll go suck some tits on the bus, then.
Russian ones.
Bye.
Sam.
Sam.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Sorry, it fell on How are you? - I'm good.
I'm great.
What's going on? I heard you're back at work.
Yeah, yeah, I went back to work this week.
The company have a nursery on site.
They actually encourage you to bring your babies.
Oh, that's nice for you.
- Yeah.
- God, is it good to see you? I was at Mummy and Me and I was like, "Where is she? "Where is my Mummy and Me besty?" I had to hang out with the mombies.
Oh, no.
Not the mombies.
God.
I couldn't go back there.
I think maybe I didn't fit in cos I haven't had a lobotomy.
Yeah, no.
I haven't either.
Had a lobotomy.
You were the only normal one there.
Thank you.
I remembered you saying that used to work in Spitalfields, so I mean not that that's why I, you know I was shopping.
I bought a book.
Ah, yes.
I've heard this is supposed to be great.
- I should read this.
- Yeah, just have it.
Just take it.
You're funny.
I should be getting back but, here, - give me your number.
I'll give you a call.
- OK.
Great.
No, I was going to say that we should do that.
We should just go for a beer or some wine or, - you know, a cocktail something.
- Yeah, no, definitely.
I don't seem to have the same support network I had when, you know, when I had Frankie.
A lot of the mums I met then, they went back to work.
We immediately got me pregnant again since all we do is get me pregnant.
What are we, farmers? What were we thinking? God, it's good to talk.
- Well, look, I'll give you a call.
- Yeah, call me now.
- So your number comes up.
- Yeah, OK.
There we go.
What are you doing tomorrow night? What are you doing? Hello, Rob.
It's a good sandwich? Yeah.
Sort of And another sandwich for when you finish your first sandwich.
- Yup.
- You're a growing boy.
See you later, Peppa.
Pepper? The children's pig.
Wow, your dick feels really good against my back because the tip of it's wet.
- Is the tip of your pussy wet? - No.
Well, I don't even have to put it in.
I can just pop it between your thighs - and then if you get turned on, then - I'm not gonna get turned on? You can't predict the future.
Why do you even want to have sex with me? I wouldn't want to have sex with me.
I'm just a cow in a dressing down.
You're so much hotter than a cow.
Oh, God.
OK, you can do it between my thighs but just come on your own stomach.
You drive a hard bargain, but I agree to your terms.
Damn, Jordan.
- I'm passionate about sports.
- Me, too.
Maybe we should cycle or power lift together.
Yeah.
Erm, - how's it going here? Are you settling in OK? - Yeah.
Whatever.
Although a lot of people who work here are idiots.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm an idiot but I kind of wound up working here by mistake.
But some mistakes are happy.
That's so sweet.
You speak French like a little German boy.
Well, I'm going to go be an idiot back in my office.
- I'll see you later.
- OK.
Ciao, idiot.
Hey, Giles.
Fucking Christ.
I think being a stay-at-home is not for me.
You know, I just I feel like a prisoner.
I'm seeing a therapist now, so it'll be fine I've got pills! But I feel numb now! But in a good way.
- Sounds nice.
- Mmm.
And I'm more open to the idea of sex with Rob.
Remember we were talking about that? And baby drums? - Oh, my God! Baby drums, kill me! - Yeah! What about you and your husband? - What, you mean sex? - Yeah.
- It's just back to how it was.
- Back to how it was before? Because in the beginning, Rob and I were like We were like teenagers.
We did stuff I haven't even seen online and then it was like a lesbian deathbed.
We had sex the other night for the first time in two-and-a-half months.
It wasn't even full sex, it was more like sort of frottage Do you want another drink? Do you know what, I should probably I've got meet my cousin.
OK, well, look, do you want to get something proper in the diary? My husband's company have Well, the employees have access to this villa in Cornwall and they have a Jacuzzi and a kitchen garden.
There's a Jacuzzi! So maybe get our families together and have a long weekend there? - Maybe Easter weekend? - Well, I'd need to check with Alan first, but Yeah.
Let me get my drink.
No, don't be silly! I'll get it.
You get the next one.
In Cornwall! Check with Alan.
- Let me know what he says.
- OK.
All right.
You fucking pervert! Always acting all holier-than-thou and now you're a toilet fucker! I am not, I don't fuck the toilet.
- Would you come into the toilet? - Yeah.
You're a toilet fucker! OK, well then, you can see why I need a meeting.
Well, I go every day, so just let me know, I'll go with you.
You know, meetings can really offer a framework Don't fucking "offer a framework" me! You've been sober for half an hour! Dude, I've been sober for three months, for the first time since I was 12.
- No, I'm sorry.
That's great - Plus, I've had the good luck to scoop up a tasty piece of ass that belongs to a lovely sober lady that I may be falling in love with.
- What? - Catherine.
She is like a beacon of health and recovery.
Plus she did a lot of disgusting things before she got sober.
OK, well She owns a fucking hedge fund, but eight years ago, she was a hooker in Marrakech.
How fucking great is that? I mean, not for her, then, it was terrible, - but for me, now! - Dave, listen You are like a delicate flower right now - Aw, thanks man! - and you need to be in a greenhouse where you can get your shit together for a little while before you jump into anything.
OK, well, I'll take that on board.
Toilet fucker! Hiya! Hey! Are you - Didn't we say 1pm? - Oh, God.
Sorry, I thought it was a loose arrangement, I had lunch here.
OK.
Well Should I pop over anyway? I mean I'm in Spitalfields.
Oh, no, no.
Sorry, I have a tonne of work.
- Sorry, I feel bad.
- No, don't worry.
I'll just Are you still on for that dance thing tomorrow night? Yeah.
Er, Let me check with Alan, but it should be fine.
OK, great.
Well, I'll see you then, my friend.
A actually, hang on, wait.
I'm I'm not going to make it tomorrow night.
OK, well - Do you want me to try for Friday? - No, I'm not going to make it any night, really.
OK.
Look, to be honest, I just have too much going on and I don't have time for people in my life who Who what? Who need things.
- Is this about the smell? - What? - It doesn't matter - You said you're in therapy.
Keep going to that.
Go back to Mummy And Me.
Those mums really aren't as bad as you make them out to be, they're just mums! Like you! But not like you? Oh, OK.
Um - Fine, well, thanks for the advice.
- You are so welcome.
Oh, did you ask Alan about Cornwall? - What? - I'm kidding, fuck off! I have a question about the patents on the new synthetic.
Ooh, er I have no idea, that's not really my, er - You know, I think - I'm just fucking with you.
Oh! Right.
I just thought it would be funny to pretend I came here to talk about work.
Er Um, OK.
W why did you come in here? I notice you look at me sometimes.
Oh W Yes I I have looked at you, um, but I was curious if you'd like to look at me someplace else? Like my flat.
Or maybe a hotel room? O oh, you mean like Well Listen, I mean, you know I'm married, right? I know you know I'm married and you know I have kids with the woman I'm married to? I don't want to interfere with your marriage! I just thought Well, I saw you switch the big bottle in the water cooler yesterday and it might as well have been a pillow, you make it look so light.
And I thought to myself, "I would like to suck his cock until he passes out.
" If that's OK with you? I can't work here any more.
Lisa, can you step out, please? I I'm quitting.
I mean, it isn't safe.
I'm a human being! I mean, I can't have a beautiful woman I mean, what the fuck is she? A model? I mean she's like better looking than a model, she's got curves and Anyway! Fuck this nonsense.
I'm out of here.
Thank you for all that you've done for me, but I'd like to hand in my notice.
I don't accept your resignation.
Well, you don't have to accept it, because I asked Lisa to step out when it seemed like you were going to say something stupid.
So, right now, only you and I know you're having some kind of sexual meltdown? Let's keep it that way.
You do good work here, I want you to stay.
- We'll just pay you more.
- Yeah, I don't want more money.
I can do 18,000 more a year.
Are you serious? I don't think I have a reputation as the office comedian.
I bonded with Muireann today.
I was so relieved, I opened up the bottle of champagne, - that was at the back of the tins cupboard.
- That's great.
Oh, my God, she's so fucking smart, that baby.
I mean Frankie's smart, but he's not You know, he's not Muireann-Smart.
I feel so bad that I thought for a second that I didn't love her.
And now I'm like, percolating for her! - What's the matter with you? - Er, nothing.
I got a raise.
That's amazing! Oh, did you have to blow Harita? I got dumped today.
By my mum friend, Samantha.
She doesn't want to see me any more.
I couldn't even hang on to a "mum friend".
And it's not like she's all that, it's not like she's Beyonce.
She said I should go and hang out with the "mombies" and you know what, she's right.
Every single one of those mums is probably more interesting than me.
- Rob.
- What? What I just said! Are you not going to say anything, do you not care? Right now, I don't know that I do care.
About that.
I mean we've got two kids under the age of three.
My job is a nightmare and those things use up all my daily care units.
So sometimes, when you need attention at the end of the day, I've got nothing left for you! And I know that's not fair, but what do I do? You dig deep and you scrounge something up for me! - Don't be lazy.
- What do you want me to say? - Say she sounds like a bitch! - She does sound like a bitch! I'll kill her for you! Do you know how happy that would make me? I've got plenty of hate units left! You can't kill her, she's got kids.
I'll kill them too! Are you upset with her or not? Don't you know how to feud? You're supposed to wipe out the bloodline! How're you going to kill her? Well First, I will hit her with my car.
And then if that doesn't work, I'll fucking strangle her.
Would that turn her on? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, - ow - Can you not Do you have to say "ow" every time? Yeah, it hurts.
- I say "ow" when things hurt.
- Do you want me to stop? No.
OK.
- Is that better? - Yeah, that side's fine.
Just hit the left side.
Ow, the left side.
My left! My left! Ow I know what you're thinking, but it's just better for everybody if I just finish this off.
Oh.
Oh, God.
That's Sam up there in the queue.
- You serious? - Yeah.
- I don't want her to see me.
- Why? - Because I'm embarrassed.
- You're embarrassed? She's the one who should be embarrassed.
Wait, what are you doing? - I'm going to go tell her what I think of her.
- No, don't do that! OK, do.
Hi.
I'm Rob Norris, Sharon Morris's husband.
What's your address? - Sorry? - Home or office, I don't care.
- Sorry, why do you want to know? - I'm not going to come around.
I want to mail you an etiquette book, you cold sore.
Why wouldn't you want to hang out with my wife? Do you know how funny she is? Do you know how smart she is? She's going to have to explain this movie to me after we see it.
I won't get it.
She's a teacher.
What do you do? - Why do you even care? - She told me you work at an organic dog food company.
- Nice! - Seriously What about you? What are you, a chiropractor? - A financial guy? - I'm an architect.
I bet you are.
- What movie are you queueing for? - The Winter Song.
Jake Gyllenhaal gets hit by a bus and winds up in a wheelchair.
Rosamund Pike leaves him for his brother and he kills himself.
Boom.
Fuck you.
That's £30 plus baby-sitter money in the trash.
For fuck's sake.
Sorry.