Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e02 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 2
In the squares tonight, we have He's the TV on your TV! It's comedian From Benidorm - the TV show, not the seaside resort - it's actress and Loose Woman He's not to be feared.
He's just a man with a beard! It's funnyman Put on your "Fog" lights! It's four-times World Superbike Champion and current King of the Jungle He's got moves like Jagger and hair like Beaver.
It's comedian From W1A and Up The Women, it's award-winning actress and writer Don't adjust your telly set! Yes, he does actually look like that (!) It's "impractical" joker Tonight, she's on our turf.
It's Arsenal and England international footballer And the "Shooting Stars" in our centre square, the chairmen on our board, it's (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
I'm Warwick Davis.
Welcome to Celebrity Squares.
If you like celebrities and you like squares, you're gonna love the next 45 minutes! Hello, squares! CELEBRITIES: Hello! How are you? Vic and Bob, great to see you here.
A pleasure to be here.
Normally, the centre square keeps the rest of the squares in check.
Well, hard luck! (LAUGHTER) It's actually the first time we've had a double act in the centre square.
What are the two of you gonna do better than just one person? Oh, interesting question! We could wash each other's ears, Vic.
Yes, we'll wash each other's faces, to start with.
We could clean both ends of a drainpipe at the same time, with the two of us! Anything related to the game play? Oh, related to the game? Yeah.
Well, we could pat up to four dogs.
Yeah.
At the same time.
I hear you're back on tour later this year, which is fantastic.
That's right.
Normally, when acts go out on tour, they have merchandise.
Are you planning any merchandising? We've got a couple of big lorries full of microwaves that we're trying to flog! (LAUGHTER) We just write our name inside them with a biro and get rid of them.
Yeah.
They're only 400 Watt, though, so they take a bit more time than you'd expect to heat up the food! At the concert, everybody enjoys hot meat.
People will be shouting out for hot meat.
I mean, I'd buy a ticket just to get my hands on your hot meat, certainly.
We'll let you have a free ticket, but you have to buy one of the microwaves.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think I'd better buy one.
Now, let's say hello to our regulars: it's Tim and Joe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, Tim: you, sir, are a comedian.
You've done your research (!) If you could do any other job, what would it be? I think I'd like to invent things.
I met the guy who invented crosswords.
I can't remember his name.
It's was P, something, T, something, something.
But what I really want to do, and I already do it to a degree, is invent high-end sports equipment.
I think you'll agree, these swimming goggles are very posh.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHUCKLES) Tim Vine, everyone! Fantastic.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Warwick.
Now, what do you think of our squares this week, sir? You're not easily impressed, I know, but what do you think? Eurgh! (LAUGHTER) Joe, what are you doing? Thought I might as well pop a film on.
You can't watch telly during the show! What is your problem, mate? Got Tango And Cash on here.
We'll try and keep you amused.
Joe Wilkinson, everyone! Let's meet the contestants.
Representing the noughts, Parveen.
Tell our squares about yourself.
Hello, squares! CELEBRITIES: Hello! My name is Parveen, I'm from Peterborough, I'm 49 and I'm a private chef.
Lovely.
Welcome, Parveen.
Nice to have you here.
Thank you.
You say you're a private chef? Yes.
If I was to come to your house, what would you do for me? I would make you a mean chicken masala, garlic naan and a pilau rice.
Would you? Mm-hm.
Why is that? You're spicy, full of fun, so yeah.
Thank you very much.
You also teach Bollywood dancing? Yeah.
I normally cook for my clients, then we do a little Bollywood dancing.
Do you want to maybe teach me a few moves now? We'll do an easy one while I'm sitting down, so hand up.
Let's do Indian head.
(JAUNTY BOLLYWOOD MUSIC) Oh, yeah.
Indian head - is it like that? (EVERYONE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) Look at Tim! He's great at it! Joe's brilliant! (CLAPPING CONTINUES) Enough of that.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Thank you.
Parveen, everyone! (WILD APPLAUSE) Now, let's see who you'll be squaring up against tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have Justin! Welcome to the show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Introduce yourself to our squares.
Hello, squares! CELEBRITIES: Hello! I'm Justin, I'm 29 and I'm a development chef from High Wycombe.
What exactly is a "development chef"? I develop recipes and products for high-street names and brands.
Very good.
Now, you've got a girlfriend.
How did you meet? I've known Mary Jo a long time.
She added me as a friend on Facebook.
It took a while for me to actually get back to her.
Probably five years.
(LAUGHTER) But when I did, the rest, as they say, is history.
Did you Poke her, or just Like her first? (BAWDY LAUGHTER) All right! It's a technical term on Facebook.
Now, you've had a bit of a disagreement over pets, haven't you? That's right.
Mary Jo has a cat, but I'd like a dog.
You know, I'm a man - a big man, at that.
I'd like a big dog! Something like perhaps a Great Dane.
I've wanted one for years.
(LAUGHTER) No, I have! I have, seriously, wanted one for years, but I just can't get a saddle.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Our contestants, everyone! So here's how it works: to win a game, plus the bonus of 500, you need to get three squares in a row.
Now, that row can be up and down, like this across, like that or diagonally, like this.
That's the rules done.
Let's start with Game One! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, Justin, you won the coin toss backstage, so you get to go first.
Who would you like to choose? Could I start with Chris Ramsey? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can I just say, I've never been picked first before.
I'm so happy! It's amazing.
Oh, bless you.
I can't even think straight.
Give us five.
You have a connection to somebody in our squares, don't you? Yes.
Vic played your on-screen dad! He did, indeed.
I've worked with him, I've worked with him I've worked with her Not you.
Not me! (LAUGHTER) Vic, I don't want to spoil the surprise too early, but this is your life! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) James II, Trevor, Keith, Lloyd, Nigel, Cyril and Felix are the names of Ed Sheeran's what? Personalities.
(LAUGHTER) I'm a good friend of his.
Well, I stand outside his house quite a lot.
Erm, I think, genuinelyI think it's guitars.
So I'm not gonna lie, I thought it may be some kind of pet I don't know, like a cat - but looking at it SEVEN CATS? Well, some people like cats.
The man's a true musician.
Seven cats? Be like a zoo! Have no fear - I am going to agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
They were the names of his guitars.
Oh, now I know what he meant when he said he was gonna play with Trevor's G-string! (LAUGHTER) Parveen, your turn.
Who would you like to choose? I've got to have Vic and Bob, please.
Thank you, Parveen! Thank you! We shall try our best! Right, according to a recent survey commissioned by National Rail, what do the perfect couple do five times a day? (BAWDY CHUCKLING) National Rail? When we are on the train, the first thing we do is wash each other's faces.
Wash our faces.
Make sure we are nice and presentable for the other passengers.
This is five times, though.
Five times a day.
If we're going to, say, Newcastle Newcastle? (LAUGHTER) on a train No, the survey was commissioned by National Rail.
Ah, so not necessarily on the train.
No, no! It'll be something to do with trains.
I think that it might be have a cup of tea.
Have a cup of tea! Right, what do you reckon? (TENTATIVELY) I would disagree.
You're right to disagree! Well done! The correct answer was Kiss.
Right, Justin, your turn.
Could I go with Joe Wilkinson? Of course you can.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On which popular dating app do you swipe left if you don't fancy someone? Er (CLEARS THROAT) I've used a lot of these.
(LAUGHTER) They don't work.
You start well, you're chatting to them and then, it's going well and you send a picture of yourself .
.
and they go offline.
(LAUGHTER) So I've done them all and I'll tell you the best: the swipey one is Match.
com.
(IMITATES GUNSHOTS) That's my confident gun.
Bang-bang! I shot it twice - good sign.
I'm gonna have to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
The answer was Tinder.
Parveen, your turn.
Can I have Carl Fogarty for the block, please? Chosen well! Now, Carl Yes, sir.
I know you, obviously, from the work you've done.
We've never met, have we? We kinda nearly met.
You nearly killed me.
Yeah, I was just minding my own business Christmas shopping when this "Whoosh!" went straight past me.
Apparently, it was you.
I thought it was some kid that had nicked a Segway at first.
(LAUGHTER) Thanks for that, mate (!) I'm so sorry, Carl.
Yeah, thanks for that (!) Right, Carl, here we go.
What part of your body would I be looking at if I asked you to show me your pollex? (LAUGHTER) It sounds like something I ate in the jungle! I'm not 100%, but I'd have thought it'd be something to do with your eye.
In your eye or your eyelid, or something, maybe? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square and blocks! The answer was Thumb! Justin, your turn.
For the block, Rachel Yankey, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good to have you here.
You are a footballer.
How would you play me? I'm quite good in the air.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know.
Possibly not in goal.
Now, you've got 129 England caps.
That's amazing.
It's brilliant.
(CHEERING) I'm curious to know, though: do you ever wear them out? You must have one hell of a hat stand! purely used for pleasure, is in Southend.
What is it? Trying to think what's the longest thing I've ever seen in Southend.
(LAUGHTER) Erm Southend-by-the-Sea Go for a yacht? I thought it was one of those toboggan runs.
I don't know why I think that.
I have no fact to base that on, so I am going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
A toboggan in Southend (?) The run - not the toboggan.
Just the run bit? Just the It is a toboggan, isn't it? I don't know what you're on about.
(LAUGHTER) The answer, in fact, was a pier.
OK.
Yes, the pier in Southend is 1.
34 miles long! It's a long walk, but it's very rewarding when you get to the end, because you're 1.
34 miles away from Southend (!) (LAUGHTER) Parveen, your turn.
Can I have Sherrie Hewson, please? Of course you can.
Sherrie, you're the longest-serving panellist on Loose Women.
Does that make you the loosest? (LAUGHTER) Once you start me, you can't stop me.
That's the trouble.
It's been the story of my life.
This is why I've been on my own for 12 years.
No man would put up with that, would they? No.
No.
(LAUGHTER) Sherrie, here's your question: Benidorm has the third-highest number of what in Europe? Well, I would say egg-and-chip shops or they would have - Is there such a thing as an egg-and-chip shop? I do like the idea of it! Yeah, there is.
After a night out Just egg and chips? Yeah, at six o'clock in the morning, you have egg and chips.
It's the fact that you want You know what I'm talking about! (LAUGHTER) Or you'd say hen nights, because they're all hens out there.
They've all got the rabbit ears.
And the hens produce the eggs to the egg-and-chip shop! (LAUGHTER) Actually, thinking about it I've been there for four years now, so probably ex-pats.
I will agree with Sherrie.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Oh A cross gets that square.
The answer was skyscrapers.
Justin, your turn.
Who would you like to go with? For the win, Tim Vine.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, Tim: what type of Italian pasta translates as "little tongues"? Right.
You've done the right thing choosing me, because this is something I know a bit about.
(LAUGHTER) I got a call the other day from Friends Of The Earth saying I'd been eating too much pasta.
Apparently, I've got a massive carbon-ara footprint! So I'm gonna go for Tagliatelle.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to disagree.
Well You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square and wins the game and the bonus of 500.
Well done, Justin.
The correct answer was Linguini.
There you go.
So, after the first game (READS OUT SCORES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a fantastic holiday! Be there and be square! .
.
and that is why I will never, ever let Foggy use my downstairs toilet.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, sorry, welcome back to Celebrity Squares! Before the break, Justin won the first game and is currently in the lead, but there's still everything to play for! I'm on the edge of my seat.
Well, that's the only way I can reach the floor (!) (LAUGHTER) It's now time for our second game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, this game is just like the first - except, hidden out there, is a Mystery Square.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Oh, yes.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination: Yes, you could be taking a bite out of the Big Apple, courtesy of You and a friend won't sleep as you take in the bright lights of Times Square and everything New York has to offer.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Woo! Now it's time to release the squares! # (RANDOM ELECTRONIC NOTES) And for you at home, this is where they'll find the Mystery Square: Right, Parveen, you're playing catch-up, so you get to go first.
Can I have Jessica Hynes, please? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to the game, Jessica.
Hello.
It's great to have you here.
It's lovely to be here.
Now, I've heard you had a childhood crush on somebody here this evening? Well, yes.
This is something I've always wanted to do Hm! which is which is this.
(AS VIC) Oof! Oof! Ooh - that's me! (LAUGHTER) Ooh Oh, I'm caught between the two, Warwick! I don't know which way to go.
Thank you.
I did it.
Thank you.
How did it feel, Jessica? Fantastic.
It's quite a release, isn't it? Yeah! Jessica, here's your question: in 2014, what appeared in the background of a Downton Abbey photograph that shouldn't have been there? I know what the answer is: it was a bottle of water on the mantelpiece in the back of the shop.
I think she's telling the truth, so I will agree.
You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
It was a plastic bottle of water.
Justin, your turn.
Could I go with Vic and Bob, please? You can, sir.
Here's your question: what could I be most likely holding in my hand if I'd rubbed it down to the ferrule? Ooh I would imagine that that's a cow pat.
You scrape off the crust to get to the soft innards (DISGUSTED GROANS) and that's the ferrule.
Why would you even do that, though? Publicity.
(LAUGHTER) I'll tell you! It's a quill pen.
(LAUGHTER) So you'd be holding a quill? Yeah.
But why are you gonna rub on a feather? I don't know A Dickensian clerk is scribbling, writing out notes in a squalid Victorian hovel and he's worn his quill down to the ferrule.
(SNORES) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Justin, my answer is this: whatever HE says.
I think this proves that two heads are definitely not better than one.
Ferrule? I've never heard of it, Justin, but it might be a writing implement.
Maybe a pencil or quill, or something.
I think it might be a petrol cap.
Well, it's a bit late in the day, but I do like it.
You wouldn't rub a petrol cap.
Don't be drawn in.
Can you So what are we gonna go with? Who's your spokesperson over there? Because you said Quill, may I seek your permission to go with Pencil? Yeah.
Pencil.
Pencil.
Pencil? I respect your logic - I do.
(LAUGHTER) I am going to disagree.
I would.
You're wrong to disagree.
What is it? Nought gets the square.
Dear, oh, dear! On a pencil, the "ferrule" is the metal sleeve which is crimped to hold the rubber in place.
Parveen, your turn.
Sherrie for the win, please.
Oh! Come on, Sherrie.
In Greek mythology, which creature has the top half of a man and the lower parts of a horse? Well, half a man is better than no man at all, I'd say.
(LAUGHTER) That'll do me - that'll do nicely.
(BAWDY CHUCKLING) It's in the back of my mind.
This is what I think.
Can we bring it to the front? Yes, I'm trying.
(LAUGHTER) I think they were called Centaurs.
I will disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
Cross gets that square.
Sorry! The answer WAS Centaur.
Justin, your turn.
Tim Vine, please.
Hello, Justin.
True or false? A screening of the blockbuster film Noah was cancelled due to flooding.
(LAUGHTER) You've done the right thing choosing me, cos this is something I know a bit about.
I know a lot about weather conditions, and stuff.
In actual fact, at the moment, I'm writing the stage version of the film Twister.
I've got as far as the first DRAFT.
(LAUGHTER) Little bit of a problem with the scenery, but I'm hoping that'll all BLOW OVER.
(LAUGHTER) I think it's true.
I've heard of it.
It's true.
I have no idea and Tim, you seem really confident.
Well (LAUGHS) So I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
Parveen, your turn.
Joe Wilkinson for the block, please.
Right, Joe, what alcohol would normally be used to make a Tom Collins? Why are you shaking your head? Cos I don't drink alcohol.
I thought you'd lost confidence already.
And you were right to.
(LAUGHTER) I don't drink a lot of cocktails, believe it or not, so this is a guess.
A lot of cocktails have vodka in, so I'm gonna say vodka.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree.
That square is back in open play.
A Tom Collins is a cocktail containing gin, lemon juice, sugar syrup and topped with soda water.
Justin, your turn.
For the win, Joe Wilkinson, please.
(LAUGHTER) In 2011, Ahmed Tafzi set the world record for smashing 43 watermelons in 60 seconds with which part of his body? Er, I know this.
I do it with my ear, but he does it with his head.
I agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500! Let's have a look at your totals so far: (READS OUT SCORES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Neither of you managed to find the Mystery Square.
If you'd chosen Mark Larwood, you'd have been playing for the holiday to New York.
Mark, how are you? Yeah, bit lonely.
AUDIENCE: Aw Bit lonely up there? What have you been up to to keep yourself busy? What have I been up to? Haven't you been watching? I've been sitting here.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) While you've been sitting up there, have you learnt anything so far? You're asking me a lot of questions.
Do you want to be friends in real life, or is it just a TV thing? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Marek Larwood, everyone! Now time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The squares will read statements about themselves and our contestants must agree, if they think they're telling the truth, or disagree, if they think they're bluffing.
It's double money: 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
Parveen, you're behind so you get to go first.
Rachel Yankey, please.
Let's hear your Square Essential.
Er, I once shaved off all my hair and called myself Ray just to play a game of football for a boys' team.
(LAUGHTER) I will disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! Cross gets the square.
That's a bit extreme.
Why did you do this? Yeah, I was only young.
I didn't really think about it, to be honest.
Looked like these guys.
(LAUGHTER) I'm not bald.
I'm just growing my forehead.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Justin, your turn.
Could I go with Jessica Hynes, please? Jessica, let's hear it.
When I was working in New York, I went to Coney Island, I went to a restaurant and I won a hot-dog-eating championship.
(CHUCKLING) Jessica, you seem really proud about that, so I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid, no nought gets the square.
Your go, Parveen.
Can I have Vic and Bob, please? One of us likes to have eight teaspoons of sugar in their cup of tea.
(SHOCKED GASPS) Eight is a lot! I will disagree with that.
You're wrong to disagree, so cross gets the square.
Who is it? Really? And I used to have a lot more when I was in my teens.
I got up to about 17.
(GASPS) If I used to have 18, it was too sweet for me.
(LAUGHTER) Right.
Justin, your turn.
Carl Fogarty for the win, please.
Let's see your Square Essential.
OK.
Every morning, after I've had a wash, I put moisturiser on my face.
(LAUGHTER) What are you laughing at? (LAUGHTER) You actually have got quite soft-looking skin.
(LAUGHTER) How is it, Chris? That's delightful, that.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 1.
000.
(CHEERING) So let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final for a chance to win 25.
000.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Oh, yes.
(READS OUT SCORES) Going through to our final is Justin.
Woo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations.
You're going through to our final game.
How do you feel? Fantastic.
Brilliant.
Unfortunately, Parveen, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? Yes, thank you for having me.
Parveen, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three, when Justin could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go any-square! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Justin has made it through to our final game - Question Line.
Congratulations on getting this far.
Any friends or family here supporting you tonight? I've got my girlfriend and my sister with me tonight.
Great.
Well, best of luck.
Now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning: You have (READS OU CELEBRITIES' NAMES) And here are their subjects: Whose category would you like? Could I go with Rachel Yankey? You have chosen Why did you go for that? Cos I like crisps.
(LAUGHTER) Good enough reason for me! Good luck and here we go.
Rachel Yankey enjoys nothing more than eating her favourite snack - crisps.
I need you to name crisp flavours.
You must name the flavours exactly as they appear on the packet.
I can only accept flavours of fresh sliced potato crisps and they must be current flavours from the top-five brands in the UK according to Snack Ma.
many squares as possible.
Each lit square will win you 1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you move onto your next answer.
Are you ready? Yes.
Your time starts now.
Salt and vinegar.
-Yes.
-Ready salted.
-Yes.
-Cheese and onion.
-Yes.
Prawn cocktail.
Yes.
Barbecue beef.
-No.
(CLOCK TICKS RAPIDLY) Erm roast chicken.
Yes.
Pickled onion.
Yes.
Erm Prawn cocktail.
I said that.
Er Cheese and onion.
Said that.
Roast chicken.
Said that.
(SIGHS) Salt and vinegar? Said that.
(TIME'S-UP KLAXON) (DISAPPOINTED MOANS) Well Aaargh! Congratulations.
You lit six squares giving you 6.
000.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, yes! Rachel, can you name any that Justin missed? Er, sweet chilli - personal favourite.
(MUTTERS IN FRUSTRATION) Shall I carry on? I'm all right.
Smoky bacon There's a lot here.
You said "barbecue beef", but unfortunately, on the packet it says "barbecue ribs".
Aah! Not to worry.
We're gonna add the 6,000 to the 2.
400 you've already won, giving you a grand total of (KER-CHING!) (CHEERING) You must be happy with that! I am.
Brilliant.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Justin, thanks to our squares.
Goodbye, squares! (CHEERING) And, of course, thanks to you at home for watching.
See you next time! Good night! 'And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.
'
He's just a man with a beard! It's funnyman Put on your "Fog" lights! It's four-times World Superbike Champion and current King of the Jungle He's got moves like Jagger and hair like Beaver.
It's comedian From W1A and Up The Women, it's award-winning actress and writer Don't adjust your telly set! Yes, he does actually look like that (!) It's "impractical" joker Tonight, she's on our turf.
It's Arsenal and England international footballer And the "Shooting Stars" in our centre square, the chairmen on our board, it's (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
I'm Warwick Davis.
Welcome to Celebrity Squares.
If you like celebrities and you like squares, you're gonna love the next 45 minutes! Hello, squares! CELEBRITIES: Hello! How are you? Vic and Bob, great to see you here.
A pleasure to be here.
Normally, the centre square keeps the rest of the squares in check.
Well, hard luck! (LAUGHTER) It's actually the first time we've had a double act in the centre square.
What are the two of you gonna do better than just one person? Oh, interesting question! We could wash each other's ears, Vic.
Yes, we'll wash each other's faces, to start with.
We could clean both ends of a drainpipe at the same time, with the two of us! Anything related to the game play? Oh, related to the game? Yeah.
Well, we could pat up to four dogs.
Yeah.
At the same time.
I hear you're back on tour later this year, which is fantastic.
That's right.
Normally, when acts go out on tour, they have merchandise.
Are you planning any merchandising? We've got a couple of big lorries full of microwaves that we're trying to flog! (LAUGHTER) We just write our name inside them with a biro and get rid of them.
Yeah.
They're only 400 Watt, though, so they take a bit more time than you'd expect to heat up the food! At the concert, everybody enjoys hot meat.
People will be shouting out for hot meat.
I mean, I'd buy a ticket just to get my hands on your hot meat, certainly.
We'll let you have a free ticket, but you have to buy one of the microwaves.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think I'd better buy one.
Now, let's say hello to our regulars: it's Tim and Joe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, Tim: you, sir, are a comedian.
You've done your research (!) If you could do any other job, what would it be? I think I'd like to invent things.
I met the guy who invented crosswords.
I can't remember his name.
It's was P, something, T, something, something.
But what I really want to do, and I already do it to a degree, is invent high-end sports equipment.
I think you'll agree, these swimming goggles are very posh.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHUCKLES) Tim Vine, everyone! Fantastic.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Warwick.
Now, what do you think of our squares this week, sir? You're not easily impressed, I know, but what do you think? Eurgh! (LAUGHTER) Joe, what are you doing? Thought I might as well pop a film on.
You can't watch telly during the show! What is your problem, mate? Got Tango And Cash on here.
We'll try and keep you amused.
Joe Wilkinson, everyone! Let's meet the contestants.
Representing the noughts, Parveen.
Tell our squares about yourself.
Hello, squares! CELEBRITIES: Hello! My name is Parveen, I'm from Peterborough, I'm 49 and I'm a private chef.
Lovely.
Welcome, Parveen.
Nice to have you here.
Thank you.
You say you're a private chef? Yes.
If I was to come to your house, what would you do for me? I would make you a mean chicken masala, garlic naan and a pilau rice.
Would you? Mm-hm.
Why is that? You're spicy, full of fun, so yeah.
Thank you very much.
You also teach Bollywood dancing? Yeah.
I normally cook for my clients, then we do a little Bollywood dancing.
Do you want to maybe teach me a few moves now? We'll do an easy one while I'm sitting down, so hand up.
Let's do Indian head.
(JAUNTY BOLLYWOOD MUSIC) Oh, yeah.
Indian head - is it like that? (EVERYONE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) Look at Tim! He's great at it! Joe's brilliant! (CLAPPING CONTINUES) Enough of that.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Thank you.
Parveen, everyone! (WILD APPLAUSE) Now, let's see who you'll be squaring up against tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have Justin! Welcome to the show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Introduce yourself to our squares.
Hello, squares! CELEBRITIES: Hello! I'm Justin, I'm 29 and I'm a development chef from High Wycombe.
What exactly is a "development chef"? I develop recipes and products for high-street names and brands.
Very good.
Now, you've got a girlfriend.
How did you meet? I've known Mary Jo a long time.
She added me as a friend on Facebook.
It took a while for me to actually get back to her.
Probably five years.
(LAUGHTER) But when I did, the rest, as they say, is history.
Did you Poke her, or just Like her first? (BAWDY LAUGHTER) All right! It's a technical term on Facebook.
Now, you've had a bit of a disagreement over pets, haven't you? That's right.
Mary Jo has a cat, but I'd like a dog.
You know, I'm a man - a big man, at that.
I'd like a big dog! Something like perhaps a Great Dane.
I've wanted one for years.
(LAUGHTER) No, I have! I have, seriously, wanted one for years, but I just can't get a saddle.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Our contestants, everyone! So here's how it works: to win a game, plus the bonus of 500, you need to get three squares in a row.
Now, that row can be up and down, like this across, like that or diagonally, like this.
That's the rules done.
Let's start with Game One! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, Justin, you won the coin toss backstage, so you get to go first.
Who would you like to choose? Could I start with Chris Ramsey? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can I just say, I've never been picked first before.
I'm so happy! It's amazing.
Oh, bless you.
I can't even think straight.
Give us five.
You have a connection to somebody in our squares, don't you? Yes.
Vic played your on-screen dad! He did, indeed.
I've worked with him, I've worked with him I've worked with her Not you.
Not me! (LAUGHTER) Vic, I don't want to spoil the surprise too early, but this is your life! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) James II, Trevor, Keith, Lloyd, Nigel, Cyril and Felix are the names of Ed Sheeran's what? Personalities.
(LAUGHTER) I'm a good friend of his.
Well, I stand outside his house quite a lot.
Erm, I think, genuinelyI think it's guitars.
So I'm not gonna lie, I thought it may be some kind of pet I don't know, like a cat - but looking at it SEVEN CATS? Well, some people like cats.
The man's a true musician.
Seven cats? Be like a zoo! Have no fear - I am going to agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
They were the names of his guitars.
Oh, now I know what he meant when he said he was gonna play with Trevor's G-string! (LAUGHTER) Parveen, your turn.
Who would you like to choose? I've got to have Vic and Bob, please.
Thank you, Parveen! Thank you! We shall try our best! Right, according to a recent survey commissioned by National Rail, what do the perfect couple do five times a day? (BAWDY CHUCKLING) National Rail? When we are on the train, the first thing we do is wash each other's faces.
Wash our faces.
Make sure we are nice and presentable for the other passengers.
This is five times, though.
Five times a day.
If we're going to, say, Newcastle Newcastle? (LAUGHTER) on a train No, the survey was commissioned by National Rail.
Ah, so not necessarily on the train.
No, no! It'll be something to do with trains.
I think that it might be have a cup of tea.
Have a cup of tea! Right, what do you reckon? (TENTATIVELY) I would disagree.
You're right to disagree! Well done! The correct answer was Kiss.
Right, Justin, your turn.
Could I go with Joe Wilkinson? Of course you can.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On which popular dating app do you swipe left if you don't fancy someone? Er (CLEARS THROAT) I've used a lot of these.
(LAUGHTER) They don't work.
You start well, you're chatting to them and then, it's going well and you send a picture of yourself .
.
and they go offline.
(LAUGHTER) So I've done them all and I'll tell you the best: the swipey one is Match.
com.
(IMITATES GUNSHOTS) That's my confident gun.
Bang-bang! I shot it twice - good sign.
I'm gonna have to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
The answer was Tinder.
Parveen, your turn.
Can I have Carl Fogarty for the block, please? Chosen well! Now, Carl Yes, sir.
I know you, obviously, from the work you've done.
We've never met, have we? We kinda nearly met.
You nearly killed me.
Yeah, I was just minding my own business Christmas shopping when this "Whoosh!" went straight past me.
Apparently, it was you.
I thought it was some kid that had nicked a Segway at first.
(LAUGHTER) Thanks for that, mate (!) I'm so sorry, Carl.
Yeah, thanks for that (!) Right, Carl, here we go.
What part of your body would I be looking at if I asked you to show me your pollex? (LAUGHTER) It sounds like something I ate in the jungle! I'm not 100%, but I'd have thought it'd be something to do with your eye.
In your eye or your eyelid, or something, maybe? I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square and blocks! The answer was Thumb! Justin, your turn.
For the block, Rachel Yankey, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good to have you here.
You are a footballer.
How would you play me? I'm quite good in the air.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know.
Possibly not in goal.
Now, you've got 129 England caps.
That's amazing.
It's brilliant.
(CHEERING) I'm curious to know, though: do you ever wear them out? You must have one hell of a hat stand! purely used for pleasure, is in Southend.
What is it? Trying to think what's the longest thing I've ever seen in Southend.
(LAUGHTER) Erm Southend-by-the-Sea Go for a yacht? I thought it was one of those toboggan runs.
I don't know why I think that.
I have no fact to base that on, so I am going to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square.
A toboggan in Southend (?) The run - not the toboggan.
Just the run bit? Just the It is a toboggan, isn't it? I don't know what you're on about.
(LAUGHTER) The answer, in fact, was a pier.
OK.
Yes, the pier in Southend is 1.
34 miles long! It's a long walk, but it's very rewarding when you get to the end, because you're 1.
34 miles away from Southend (!) (LAUGHTER) Parveen, your turn.
Can I have Sherrie Hewson, please? Of course you can.
Sherrie, you're the longest-serving panellist on Loose Women.
Does that make you the loosest? (LAUGHTER) Once you start me, you can't stop me.
That's the trouble.
It's been the story of my life.
This is why I've been on my own for 12 years.
No man would put up with that, would they? No.
No.
(LAUGHTER) Sherrie, here's your question: Benidorm has the third-highest number of what in Europe? Well, I would say egg-and-chip shops or they would have - Is there such a thing as an egg-and-chip shop? I do like the idea of it! Yeah, there is.
After a night out Just egg and chips? Yeah, at six o'clock in the morning, you have egg and chips.
It's the fact that you want You know what I'm talking about! (LAUGHTER) Or you'd say hen nights, because they're all hens out there.
They've all got the rabbit ears.
And the hens produce the eggs to the egg-and-chip shop! (LAUGHTER) Actually, thinking about it I've been there for four years now, so probably ex-pats.
I will agree with Sherrie.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Oh A cross gets that square.
The answer was skyscrapers.
Justin, your turn.
Who would you like to go with? For the win, Tim Vine.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, Tim: what type of Italian pasta translates as "little tongues"? Right.
You've done the right thing choosing me, because this is something I know a bit about.
(LAUGHTER) I got a call the other day from Friends Of The Earth saying I'd been eating too much pasta.
Apparently, I've got a massive carbon-ara footprint! So I'm gonna go for Tagliatelle.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to disagree.
Well You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square and wins the game and the bonus of 500.
Well done, Justin.
The correct answer was Linguini.
There you go.
So, after the first game (READS OUT SCORES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a fantastic holiday! Be there and be square! .
.
and that is why I will never, ever let Foggy use my downstairs toilet.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, sorry, welcome back to Celebrity Squares! Before the break, Justin won the first game and is currently in the lead, but there's still everything to play for! I'm on the edge of my seat.
Well, that's the only way I can reach the floor (!) (LAUGHTER) It's now time for our second game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, this game is just like the first - except, hidden out there, is a Mystery Square.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Oh, yes.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination: Yes, you could be taking a bite out of the Big Apple, courtesy of You and a friend won't sleep as you take in the bright lights of Times Square and everything New York has to offer.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Woo! Now it's time to release the squares! # (RANDOM ELECTRONIC NOTES) And for you at home, this is where they'll find the Mystery Square: Right, Parveen, you're playing catch-up, so you get to go first.
Can I have Jessica Hynes, please? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to the game, Jessica.
Hello.
It's great to have you here.
It's lovely to be here.
Now, I've heard you had a childhood crush on somebody here this evening? Well, yes.
This is something I've always wanted to do Hm! which is which is this.
(AS VIC) Oof! Oof! Ooh - that's me! (LAUGHTER) Ooh Oh, I'm caught between the two, Warwick! I don't know which way to go.
Thank you.
I did it.
Thank you.
How did it feel, Jessica? Fantastic.
It's quite a release, isn't it? Yeah! Jessica, here's your question: in 2014, what appeared in the background of a Downton Abbey photograph that shouldn't have been there? I know what the answer is: it was a bottle of water on the mantelpiece in the back of the shop.
I think she's telling the truth, so I will agree.
You're right to agree! Nought gets the square.
It was a plastic bottle of water.
Justin, your turn.
Could I go with Vic and Bob, please? You can, sir.
Here's your question: what could I be most likely holding in my hand if I'd rubbed it down to the ferrule? Ooh I would imagine that that's a cow pat.
You scrape off the crust to get to the soft innards (DISGUSTED GROANS) and that's the ferrule.
Why would you even do that, though? Publicity.
(LAUGHTER) I'll tell you! It's a quill pen.
(LAUGHTER) So you'd be holding a quill? Yeah.
But why are you gonna rub on a feather? I don't know A Dickensian clerk is scribbling, writing out notes in a squalid Victorian hovel and he's worn his quill down to the ferrule.
(SNORES) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Justin, my answer is this: whatever HE says.
I think this proves that two heads are definitely not better than one.
Ferrule? I've never heard of it, Justin, but it might be a writing implement.
Maybe a pencil or quill, or something.
I think it might be a petrol cap.
Well, it's a bit late in the day, but I do like it.
You wouldn't rub a petrol cap.
Don't be drawn in.
Can you So what are we gonna go with? Who's your spokesperson over there? Because you said Quill, may I seek your permission to go with Pencil? Yeah.
Pencil.
Pencil.
Pencil? I respect your logic - I do.
(LAUGHTER) I am going to disagree.
I would.
You're wrong to disagree.
What is it? Nought gets the square.
Dear, oh, dear! On a pencil, the "ferrule" is the metal sleeve which is crimped to hold the rubber in place.
Parveen, your turn.
Sherrie for the win, please.
Oh! Come on, Sherrie.
In Greek mythology, which creature has the top half of a man and the lower parts of a horse? Well, half a man is better than no man at all, I'd say.
(LAUGHTER) That'll do me - that'll do nicely.
(BAWDY CHUCKLING) It's in the back of my mind.
This is what I think.
Can we bring it to the front? Yes, I'm trying.
(LAUGHTER) I think they were called Centaurs.
I will disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
Cross gets that square.
Sorry! The answer WAS Centaur.
Justin, your turn.
Tim Vine, please.
Hello, Justin.
True or false? A screening of the blockbuster film Noah was cancelled due to flooding.
(LAUGHTER) You've done the right thing choosing me, cos this is something I know a bit about.
I know a lot about weather conditions, and stuff.
In actual fact, at the moment, I'm writing the stage version of the film Twister.
I've got as far as the first DRAFT.
(LAUGHTER) Little bit of a problem with the scenery, but I'm hoping that'll all BLOW OVER.
(LAUGHTER) I think it's true.
I've heard of it.
It's true.
I have no idea and Tim, you seem really confident.
Well (LAUGHS) So I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square.
Parveen, your turn.
Joe Wilkinson for the block, please.
Right, Joe, what alcohol would normally be used to make a Tom Collins? Why are you shaking your head? Cos I don't drink alcohol.
I thought you'd lost confidence already.
And you were right to.
(LAUGHTER) I don't drink a lot of cocktails, believe it or not, so this is a guess.
A lot of cocktails have vodka in, so I'm gonna say vodka.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree.
That square is back in open play.
A Tom Collins is a cocktail containing gin, lemon juice, sugar syrup and topped with soda water.
Justin, your turn.
For the win, Joe Wilkinson, please.
(LAUGHTER) In 2011, Ahmed Tafzi set the world record for smashing 43 watermelons in 60 seconds with which part of his body? Er, I know this.
I do it with my ear, but he does it with his head.
I agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500! Let's have a look at your totals so far: (READS OUT SCORES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Neither of you managed to find the Mystery Square.
If you'd chosen Mark Larwood, you'd have been playing for the holiday to New York.
Mark, how are you? Yeah, bit lonely.
AUDIENCE: Aw Bit lonely up there? What have you been up to to keep yourself busy? What have I been up to? Haven't you been watching? I've been sitting here.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) While you've been sitting up there, have you learnt anything so far? You're asking me a lot of questions.
Do you want to be friends in real life, or is it just a TV thing? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Marek Larwood, everyone! Now time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The squares will read statements about themselves and our contestants must agree, if they think they're telling the truth, or disagree, if they think they're bluffing.
It's double money: 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
Parveen, you're behind so you get to go first.
Rachel Yankey, please.
Let's hear your Square Essential.
Er, I once shaved off all my hair and called myself Ray just to play a game of football for a boys' team.
(LAUGHTER) I will disagree.
You're wrong to disagree! Cross gets the square.
That's a bit extreme.
Why did you do this? Yeah, I was only young.
I didn't really think about it, to be honest.
Looked like these guys.
(LAUGHTER) I'm not bald.
I'm just growing my forehead.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Justin, your turn.
Could I go with Jessica Hynes, please? Jessica, let's hear it.
When I was working in New York, I went to Coney Island, I went to a restaurant and I won a hot-dog-eating championship.
(CHUCKLING) Jessica, you seem really proud about that, so I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid, no nought gets the square.
Your go, Parveen.
Can I have Vic and Bob, please? One of us likes to have eight teaspoons of sugar in their cup of tea.
(SHOCKED GASPS) Eight is a lot! I will disagree with that.
You're wrong to disagree, so cross gets the square.
Who is it? Really? And I used to have a lot more when I was in my teens.
I got up to about 17.
(GASPS) If I used to have 18, it was too sweet for me.
(LAUGHTER) Right.
Justin, your turn.
Carl Fogarty for the win, please.
Let's see your Square Essential.
OK.
Every morning, after I've had a wash, I put moisturiser on my face.
(LAUGHTER) What are you laughing at? (LAUGHTER) You actually have got quite soft-looking skin.
(LAUGHTER) How is it, Chris? That's delightful, that.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 1.
000.
(CHEERING) So let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final for a chance to win 25.
000.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Oh, yes.
(READS OUT SCORES) Going through to our final is Justin.
Woo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations.
You're going through to our final game.
How do you feel? Fantastic.
Brilliant.
Unfortunately, Parveen, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? Yes, thank you for having me.
Parveen, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three, when Justin could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go any-square! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Justin has made it through to our final game - Question Line.
Congratulations on getting this far.
Any friends or family here supporting you tonight? I've got my girlfriend and my sister with me tonight.
Great.
Well, best of luck.
Now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning: You have (READS OU CELEBRITIES' NAMES) And here are their subjects: Whose category would you like? Could I go with Rachel Yankey? You have chosen Why did you go for that? Cos I like crisps.
(LAUGHTER) Good enough reason for me! Good luck and here we go.
Rachel Yankey enjoys nothing more than eating her favourite snack - crisps.
I need you to name crisp flavours.
You must name the flavours exactly as they appear on the packet.
I can only accept flavours of fresh sliced potato crisps and they must be current flavours from the top-five brands in the UK according to Snack Ma.
many squares as possible.
Each lit square will win you 1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you move onto your next answer.
Are you ready? Yes.
Your time starts now.
Salt and vinegar.
-Yes.
-Ready salted.
-Yes.
-Cheese and onion.
-Yes.
Prawn cocktail.
Yes.
Barbecue beef.
-No.
(CLOCK TICKS RAPIDLY) Erm roast chicken.
Yes.
Pickled onion.
Yes.
Erm Prawn cocktail.
I said that.
Er Cheese and onion.
Said that.
Roast chicken.
Said that.
(SIGHS) Salt and vinegar? Said that.
(TIME'S-UP KLAXON) (DISAPPOINTED MOANS) Well Aaargh! Congratulations.
You lit six squares giving you 6.
000.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, yes! Rachel, can you name any that Justin missed? Er, sweet chilli - personal favourite.
(MUTTERS IN FRUSTRATION) Shall I carry on? I'm all right.
Smoky bacon There's a lot here.
You said "barbecue beef", but unfortunately, on the packet it says "barbecue ribs".
Aah! Not to worry.
We're gonna add the 6,000 to the 2.
400 you've already won, giving you a grand total of (KER-CHING!) (CHEERING) You must be happy with that! I am.
Brilliant.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Justin, thanks to our squares.
Goodbye, squares! (CHEERING) And, of course, thanks to you at home for watching.
See you next time! Good night! 'And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.
'