Central Park (2020) s02e02 Episode Script

[music starts]
[Birdie] "Happy 100th Birthday, Fred."
Always nice when someone remembers your birthday. [whispers] May 7th.
A Central Park bench plaque,
whether you're commemorating a special birthday or a special moment.
"To Benny, who Heimliched me at a halal cart. You're my Gyro."
A plaque on a bench is a fancy New York way to sit on life's milestones.
"I love you, Mom." Not super creative, but it gets the point across.
And it's especially relevant today, since it's Mother's Day.
Segue.
-[clatters] -Shh. You're gonna wake up your mom.
I changed her alarm from a.m. to p.m. so we could make the final arrangements.
Sounds like we're gonna kill her.
We're gonna kill her with love and thoughtfulness.
This year, we're gonna blow her mind
by continuing the Mother's Day festivities beyond breakfast in bed.
Wait, what? It's still Mother's Day after 10:00 a.m.?
Yep. We're going the whole day. Or at least until Mother's afternoon.
You kids have a few more hours to get your gifts squared away.
I'm gonna shock her when she realizes I didn't make her something
like I usually do.
This year, I bought her something with my own money because I'm a big boy.
She'll be like, "What? Thank God we had a second child."
So, we're sure about this?
I mean, after so many years of phoning it in,
do you think going all out this year will confuse her?
Confuse her by how much we love her.
Your mother goes all out for us.
Your birthdays, your Christmases, your lost teeth, your found teeth.
And that's why today, we're stepping it up.
She gives us the world ♪
And today is the perfect day ♪
To shower her With more love than the rain ♪
She cannot be outdone ♪
At least we can try ♪
-We gotta raise the roof -You're showing your age ♪
I just want to out-celebrate my wife ♪
She's finally gonna have The perfect Mother's Day ♪
One she'll brag about ♪
Dropped the ball so many times But not anymore ♪
We gotta go all out ♪
-[Owen] We're gonna give her the world -[Molly, Cole vocalizing]
And every little anything That she deserves ♪
We are gonna blow her frigging mind ♪
[Molly, Cole] Get ready, Mama ♪
-She goes beyond and above -[Molly, Cole vocalizing]
The best to ever do it In the history of moms ♪
All that Plus nine months without wine ♪
[together] 365 days ♪
All you think about is everybody else But today is all about you ♪
-She goes over the top -To show her love ♪
She pulls up to my school In a sea of balloons ♪
And homemade cupcakes That's iced with my face ♪
[Cole] And mine!
-[Owen] I got my braces off -A year ago ♪
[Owen] She threw a pearly white Themed party for me ♪
We gotta out-theme her For once in our lives ♪
Good luck.
She lives in mom jeans ♪
-And rarely combs her hair -But she looks damn good ♪
She always puts us first Yet another reason ♪
[all] For us to go all out ♪
-[Owen] We're gonna give her the world -[vocalizing]
And every little anything That she deserves ♪
We are gonna blow her frigging mind ♪
Get ready, Mama ♪
-She goes beyond and above -[Molly, Cole vocalizing]
The best to ever do it In the history of moms ♪
All that Plus nine months without wine ♪
[together] 365 days ♪
All you think about is everybody else But today is all about you ♪
Okay, you guys know the plan. Breakfast in bed from now until 10:00.
Then Mom and Dad romantic stroll time from 12:00 till 2:00.
Then we meet you at the zoo, where you'll give her your gifts
and the world's best Mother's Day continues.
So, zoo at two. Zoo rhymes with two. That'll help you remember.
Zoo at two, zoo at two. I hope I've got it.
Make sure your presents are wrapped and ready.
I am 100% ready. I just need to wrap it.
You sound ready.
Look at those sentimental slobs, dragging their mothers all over the park.
It is Mother's Day.
What are you doing here? You have the day off.
See you tomorrow. Unless you enjoy my Mother's Day routine,
where I dress Shampagne up as my long-deceased mother.
-Which is completely normal. -Yep, totally normal.
Oh, Mother, it's such a joy to have tea with you.
But of course you're here because you love me so much.
After this, we'll braid each other's hair
-and then go on a shopping spree! -Oh, Lord.
Before you leave, take my drink list
-for the day down to Lionel. -On it.
I think Mother made a little poo-poo in the corner.
Classic Mother. I'll clean it up.
[Birdie] Helen hasn't had a day off in forever, and she's ecstatic.
I mean, you can't tell that she's ecstatic by her face
and the dullness of her eyes, but she is.
She has a few ground rules to lay out for the hotel employees
before she takes her day off.
Don't bother Bitsy. Don't bother Bitsy.
Don't screw up and don't bother Bitsy.
I've secretly appointed one of you to report on the others.
-It's Philippe. -Huh?
So whenever Jack Nicholson comes in, I say,
"You can't sit over there. You sit up here by the bar."
-How come? -Because I like to tell him,
-"You can't handle the booth." -[laughs]
-Hello, Lionel. -I thought you had the day off.
Yep, I'm going. I'm just dropping off Bitsy's drink list.
12:30, 12:45, 1:00. Then no drinks till 2:00?
-That's when she pees. -She pees for an hour?
-It's a slow drip. -[phone rings]
Yeah, three mimosas and a screwdriver, got it.
Room service order?
Yep, I'm just gonna ask the service bartenders to make those.
Oh, wait, Bitsy fired all of them last week, so I guess I'll make them.
Listen, I told Bitsy you were struggling down here without the extra help.
-And? What'd she say? -She just flicked a shrimp at me.
-What does that mean? -I don't think it's a good sign.
Maybe I'll just talk to her myself.
I wouldn't do that, unless you like shrimp flying at your face.
She goes for the eyes.
Just make her drinks and we'll deal with this when I get back.
All right. Thankfully, I've got these two talented guys to help me out.
-My arms. -[laughs]
-[hums] -Check out what I got for Mom.
-Oh, nuts. I was afraid this would happen. -What?
That's gonna look like crap compared to my gift,
-which I bought with my own money. -Which you bought with my own money.
-We know. -A stunning pearl necklace for a princess.
These are fake.
What? They're fake? But they're from the drugstore.
They wouldn't sell fake pearls at the drugstore. It's against the law.
-They're plastic. -Yeah.
-Pearls aren't made from plastic? -No, they're made from oyster stuff.
Oyster stuff?
[gasps] Oysters make pearls? Was this on the news?
I can't give her this junk!
That's it. I'm making her a card like every year.
No! We're not little kids anymore, remember?
You're a big boy. That's why this year we bought her stuff.
You're right. Mom needs a real gift, like real pearls.
I need 40 pregnant oysters, stat!
I don't think that's how it works.
-Then we gotta go shopping. -Who's we?
If you're not with me, I might buy her a fake hat or something.
What's a fake hat?
-Are any hats real? -Okay, I'll go with you.
Milk and three sugars, just the way you like it.
-That's very sweet. -I'm a good husband.
I mean the coffee. Three sugars is very sweet.
I also got you this.
Oh, that's so nice. Also, I love having to carry things on a walk.
Get to carry things on a walk.
Shall we continue on with our already incredible stroll?
And if we happen to find ourselves in an admittedly touristy swan boat--
-Gosh darn it. -What?
It's nothing. Work stuff.
Sorry, didn't mean to curse. Ignoring it. Today is your day.
-No, what is it? -That's an unsanctioned plaque.
What does that mean?
People who don't wanna pay the money put up their own fake plaques.
-Sentimental punks, I guess. -Aw.
"It's all really valuable, just keep going.
You'll find the next plaque where the streetlight is glowing."
Great! Not even sentimental, they're just regular punks.
There's a process for plaques.
You fill out forms, you follow the rules. What's not fun about forms and rules?
Huh. "You'll find the next plaque"--
No, no, no. No reportering.
We're not doing an investigative piece about this plaque-simile.
[grunts] It comes right off and we're gonna keep moving.
"Where the streetlight is glowing."
I just wanna see one thing, real quick.
Paige, I have a super-thoughtful schedule that we kinda wanna stick to.
Don't plaque-block me.
[Bitsy] What's that, Mother?
You're sorry you went to Europe on my birthday every year for 40 years?
-Oh, I forgive you. -[licking]
-[phone beeps] -One o'clock?
Where's my 12:30 Schnapps Goes the Weasel?
-Huh. Why am I so unstable? -[rattling]
I mean, other than my childhood. Oh, my God. I'm sober!
[groans] Dear, God! I'm going to die alone!
-Shampagne will eat my corpse. -[sniffing]
Stop that! I'm not dead yet!
I just need my frigging room service! [sighs]
Helen! Check the dumbwaiter. Helen!
Oh, right, I keep forgetting.
[gasps, groans] Must get drinkie.
[quiet piano music plays]
Ms. Brandenham, how's everything?
Thirsty. You're three drinks late, Lionel,
-and you've shot my pee schedule to hell. -Sorry.
I'm backed up, 'cause-- Actually, maybe now's a good time to talk to you.
Gross. Trust me, it's not. Make me a Schnapps Goes the Weasel.
-I just really need you to-- -[spits]
-To hire back the -[spits]
-service bartenders. -[spits]
Put drinkie in mouthie.
Listen, Bitsy, I'm the only person here who knows how to make your crazy drinks.
Which is bad news for you,
because if you don't hire back the service bartenders, I'll quit.
-[spits] What? -You heard me.
Take it up with Helen.
She's in charge of the babies and wah-wahs in the hotel.
Which is what I'm hearing. Wah-wah!
Helen's not here, so I'm telling you.
And if I leave, all of my customers leave with me.
"Wah-wah. I'm Lionel.
Now I have to make drinks for the service bar too. Poor me."
It's all so draining ♪
Not that I'm royalty ♪
But so much complaining ♪
Where is his loyalty? ♪
I'm hardly a matron ♪
Yet I stand accused ♪
Decades his patron ♪
Just bring me my booze ♪
[ice tinkles]
Pour, poor me ♪
More, more, please ♪
I'm so, I'm so thirsty ♪
Pour, poor me ♪
More, more, please ♪
I'm so, I'm so thirsty ♪
I could have been a doctor ♪
But I took my skills to libations ♪
A master serving master glasses ♪
She's finally in perspective ♪
The disrespect she has shown ♪
Shellacked and cracked In lacquered plaster ♪
You can't put a price on magic ♪
But he brings us booze ♪
Now anyone can be your friend ♪
But Lionel brings us booze ♪
Pour, poor me ♪
More, more, please ♪
We're so, we're so thirsty ♪
Pour, poor me ♪
He gave me his pants When I needed pants ♪
He built my son's science project ♪
-He let me call him dad -We're so thirsty ♪
I'll give you a shoulder to cry on ♪
[patron 1] He taught me how to ride a bike ♪
He bailed me out of prison ♪
[patron 2] He invested in my start-up company ♪
[patron 3] He found my birth parents ♪
-And some free advice -Pour me ♪
Too much talking to people. So sober.
Helen! Helen! Pick up!
[woman screams]
Oh, that's you. We have the same ringtone.
Mm-mmm, doesn't feel special.
[sniffs] Doesn't smell special.
Doesn't say special. Don't you get it, Molly?
We're supposed to bring it this year.
Hey, my scarf is bringing it.
Okay, I didn't wanna say anything,
but a piece of cloth you put around your neck for some reason?
I mean, for when it's cold?
-Follow-up question. Seriously, a scarf? -Oh, God! Maybe you're right!
Now we both have to get her something. Tongs?
Great. You buy those, I'll look for something that doesn't suck.
[Birdie] So, they're spiraling,
but Paige is four plaque-similes in, and she couldn't be happier.
She loves a puzzle, a riddle, a hunt.
Any kind of hunt. Helen Hunt.
"I didn't want the farmer to nab it,
so I buried the carrots.
Go see the rabbit."
-Owen! It all makes sense now. -Really?
Yes! This one mentions the score,
this one mentions green, this one says, "the lamb."
-Don't you see what this is about? -Whole Foods?
No! Somebody robbed a bank.
The cops were closing in, so they buried it in the park.
They left clues so "the farmer," whoever that is, could find the money.
That seems like a bad plan.
Someone sounds judgy. How many banks have you robbed?
I'm sorry. You're right. Makes perfect sense.
They outran the cops, made plaques and defaced public property. It's your day.
You're going down a rabbit hole,
but I'm not saying anything about it because I'm a cool guy.
I'm sorry. I know you have a big day planned for me.
I promised you-- [gasps] Rabbit!
There's a rabbit in the Alice in Wonderland statue! [panting]
That's where we're going.
[door beeps]
"Welcome to the Hudson Hills Spa,
where your spirit is like this fruit basket, free."
[sighs] Time to let my hair down.
Haven't done that in a while. Guess this is just the shape my hair is now.
[music starts]
I'm finally free ♪
No taking my orders from Bitsy ♪
A day just for me ♪
I'm so overworked from that jerk ♪
But just let me forget In the spa jets ♪
Oh.
Look at this menu What's a spleen massage? ♪
Can I order that service to my room? ♪
[concierge] Yes, ma'am.
Do not disturb ♪
Gonna finally pee Without somebody calling for me ♪
[concierge] Yes, ma'am.
I don't wanna move A single muscle at all ♪
Don't be scared It might seem like I'm dead ♪
[concierge] Uh, okay.
The spleen massage people Should let themselves in ♪
I'm not leaving this bed. [sighs]
This is it I'm no longer at her beck and call ♪
This is it ♪
Spread eagle in nothing but my drawers ♪
-It's the day you've been waiting for -It's the day I've been waiting for ♪
Longer than you'd ever believe ♪
[Helen, chorus] This is it ♪
Gonna have to drag me out To make me leave ♪
-I'm really gonna leave, Bitsy. -Go. I'm fine here.
I can reach everything. Not a problem.
Oh, my. I can't-- What does this say?
I can't read when I'm sober. I have single vision.
-This is your last chance. I'm leaving. -I'm already over you.
Where are those square things you put in your drinks to keep them cold?
They look like glass, but they're not. Ugh, so sober.
I'm at the door. I'm going.
Thanks for the play-by-play.
Who's gonna hire a washed-up old bottle jockey like you anyway?
-The Dagmont. -[plate clatters]
That's cool. Totally don't care at all
that you're gonna work at my hotel arch nemesis.
Well, then, after 32 years, goodbye.
-Oh, you'll be back. -Okay, gang, to the Dagmont.
To the Dagmont, everybody.
And, Bitsy, I'm still waiting for my French dip to arrive,
so if you could send that over.
[shouts] Damn it. I can only reach the triple sec.
I can't drink that. It triple sucks!
Okay. [sighs] No plaque. No plaque. Plaque!
-Hi, happy Mother's Day. -Is it?
Okay, well, sorry to bother you,
but we just need to check out the plaque on the bench real quick.
Kids, no. Kids. Kids.
-I tried everything. -Yep, still can't see it.
Look, a dollar!
Huh. "To Piper, a great spaniel."
They're trying to throw me off. I'm getting too close.
I think this is a real plaque.
It's sticky. There was something else stuck here.
Oh, yeah. My kids ripped off a plaque.
I was gonna tell someone, but then I was like, "I'm tired."
-Oh! They're eating my clue. -At least they're eating.
Maybe this is a sign to stop following these signs?
We're so close. We can crack this thing, baby.
-Now, come on. Hi, kids. -[sighs]
[Helen, chorus] This is it ♪
[Helen] Look at Helen gettin' all sun-kissed ♪
This is it ♪
I don't think a suit Should fit like this ♪
[sighs]
-It's the day I've been waiting for -It's the day you've been waiting for ♪
[Helen] Remember how to chill and how to relax ♪
-This is it? -[chorus] This is it ♪
How many moles Are there on that guy's back? ♪
[groans]
[sighs] Let's just give her the scarf and the fake pearls and a note that says,
"Sorry we're such terrible children.
Here's a coupon to trade us in for some new ones.
Maybe some fun twins. Everyone likes twins."
Damn you, Mom, for being so loving and thoughtful.
Mother's Day would've been so easy if she was mean.
Hmm. Cole, check out that lady over there.
Huh. Great hair, but I'm pretty sure that's a mannequin.
No, over there. Look at her sweatshirt.
"Number one mom." It's not true because our mom is number one.
Yeah, it's not a great sweatshirt.
It's clearly homemade, but that mom looks so happy.
Excuse me. Hi. Quick question. Uh, your daughter made that, right?
-You didn't buy something of that quality? -[rips]
She sure did make it. Isn't it something? I love it.
What do you mean, "something of that quality"?
Nothing. It's so good.
Yeah, I nailed it. As long as you never wash it.
Cole, we gotta make Mom something, ourselves.
What? But I thought we were past making stuff.
We graduated to the big leagues!
What about going all out, being a big boy and spending big-boy money?
We're trying so hard with this buying stuff stuff,
but I think moms actually really love homemade stuff.
'Cause we made it. And they love us? Makes me feel bad for them, but--
Well, I can't make a pearl.
Or can I? [strains]
All we have to do is make her
the most incredible Mother's Day card the world has ever seen.
Colored pencils, stickers, glitter, the works.
We've gotta be at the zoo at 2:00. That's a lot of pressure.
Oh, God. I can't feel my hands, my card-making hands.
-What's happening to me? -You'll be fine. Let's go.
Please, please, please.
Pretty, pretty, pretty please?
-Dang it. Should we Indiana Jones this? -Shoot him?
It's my day. Kidding, kidding.
Give him something to swap it out.
Oh, you like that?
I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Yes!
I am so proud of you, sweetie. You gave away my flower, but that's fine.
"The last clue that you must not miss is where the honey eater does the twist."
Babe, I need you. I need your park brain.
You know all the park stuff. What's "honey eater" mean?
-Uh, uh-- -Faster, faster.
-I need your park knowledge. -You're scaring me.
Oh! Honey eater. Bears eat honey. A bear. Anything with a bear?
There's a statue of a bear by the zoo.
I don't know if it's doing the twist, technically, but it is dancing.
[kisses] You magnificent bastard. Let's go.
[Bitsy] I know you're a bellhop,
but as long as the drinks are stiff, no one will notice.
I don't know how to make a drink. I'm a Mormon.
-Right now? -Where's Lionel?
Lionel went to go stink up the Dagmont, and no one cares.
This guy's great, and you're gonna love him.
-Oh, gotta go. -You blew it.
-What's Bitsy gonna do? -[strumming]
Without a bar, a New York City hotel is just a weird bed museum.
Ooh, what's this? Why did Helen come back so soon?
Turns out she's good at a lot of things, but relaxing is not one of them.
Musical flashback.
This is it Doing nothing's clearly not my skill ♪
This is it I'd rather be working it ♪
Hustling, playing the game For the Brandenham will ♪
It's the day you've been waiting for ♪
Call me if you're ever in town ♪
This is it ♪
You can come And you can let your hair down ♪
I tried to make a Schnapps Goes the Weasel.
[spits] Ugh! Way too much weasel.
-[Helen] I'm back. -[Bitsy] Helen, you're late.
-Or early. I don't know. What day is it? -Where's Lionel?
He quit. He's at the Dagmont.
Oh, my God. He did the old wait-until-Helen-was-gone
and-then-try-to-talk-to-you-as if-you-know how-to-talk-to-humans trick, huh?
Go get him. Go bring him back.
Make drinkies for Bitsy.
Oh, no. You're coming with me.
And that's why they named the show Frasier.
[laughs] I love this guy. Mom can have lunch by herself.
[Helen] Hey, Lionel, pour us a drink, will you?
That was a dramatic entrance.
It's a gift. Now, Bitsy, is there something you want to say to Lionel?
-Mmm. -While we walked over here,
-we talked about -[groans]
-Hiring back the service bartenders. -Louder.
Hiring back the service bartenders! [grunts]
-And? -A "sorry, I was wrong" bonus.
-Deal. -You couldn't leave the Brandenham.
I did leave the Brandenham. You couldn't leave the Brandenham.
-But you came back. -You came back too.
-[sighs] What's wrong with us? -We're broken.
-Schnapps Goes The Weasel? -Oh, dear God, yes!
The bear by the zoo. He's doing the twist.
He is so doing the twist. Where's the plaque?
Where's the plaque? Where the p-- Ha! Plaque!
Excuse me, this one's better. Over here.
Right this way. There you go.
We're gonna solve this.
"There was no crime, but there is a treasure.
Her name's Paige Hunter, the best mom ever."
Owen, did you-- It's not coming off.
-And it never will. It's real. -Happy Mother's Day!
Oh, my babies.
And we're here because this spot is very important to our family.
-Do you remember this bench, Paige? -No. [gasps]
-Wait a minute. Was this where-- -Mm-hmm.
Before I knew I was pregnant with Molly, this is where I threw up.
Some hit a squirrel. I'm impressed. I'm so, so impressed.
We wanted to go all out for you just like you do for us.
I thought of the bank robber theme.
I gave notes on the plaques and was critical to the gluing process.
And I did the greatest acting job of all time.
It was easy 'cause I do hate unsanctioned plaques.
They're the bane of society. Only a monster would put them up.
Today, I was that monster and you bought it!
I can't believe you did all this.
We knew what you'd really want was a good mystery to solve,
but you had to think it was real.
I totally thought it was real.
I thought maybe the bank robber had been hit on the head, but I believed it.
Thank you? I was so worried it wouldn't work, and it worked.
-And look what I made you. -Aw, sweetie.
-I only had four minutes. -And here's mine.
Sorry we didn't get you anything from the store.
Aw, I love it. This is so much better than buying some dumb thing at a store.
That's, um, what we thought the whole time.
You could wrap up all your boogers And your toenails ♪
And I'd still love it Because it came from you ♪
And you don't have to get me presents Even on sale ♪
There's just one thing I need you two to do ♪
Promise if you really care Then you'll pinky swear ♪
No matter what, this is a biggie Need you to hear me ♪
That even when you are full-grown A life of your own ♪
You'll always be My sweet little babies ♪
You'll let me hold your hand When you're walking to a meeting ♪
Let me tuck in your covers When you come home from work ♪
You'll let me snuggle you ♪
Even though it makes Your spouse feel weird ♪
Yeah, that might be weird for him ♪
Well, then he's a jerk ♪
[Paige] And I could still come kiss All of your boo-boos ♪
And when you're sick I'd bring you chicken soup ♪
We could always use refreshers On just how to tie our shoes ♪
And you could still sing to us When it's hard to poo ♪
-Oh, you know I will. -Yeah, she will.
Promise when you are older Slightly bolder ♪
No matter, you'll still rest Your little head on my shoulder ♪
And I can still read you guys stories Late in your 40s ♪
You'll always be My sweet little babies ♪
You'll let me wipe your nose If no one's 'round to wipe it ♪
You'll let me bring you some snacks ♪
Maybe ants on a log ♪
I'll climb into your bed If you've had yourself a nightmare ♪
If your spouse will just move over ♪
[Cole] Yeah, what a bed hog.
Promise you'll always be My sweet little babies ♪
And I'll always be Your sweet little husband ♪
Damn straight. [kisses]
There's a little bit of a breeze. I wish I had a scarf or something.
You've gotta be kidding me!
-She goes beyond and above -[Molly, Cole vocalizing]
The best to ever do it In the history of moms ♪
All that Plus nine months without wine ♪
[together] 365 days ♪
All you think about is everybody else But today is all about you ♪
-[Owen] She goes over the top -[Molly] To show her love ♪
[Cole] She pulls up to my school In a sea of balloons ♪
[Molly] And homemade cupcakes That's iced with my face ♪
[Cole] And mine!
-[Owen] I got my braces off -[Cole] A year ago ♪
[Owen] She threw a pearly white Themed party for me ♪
[Molly] We gotta out-theme her For once in our lives ♪
[Cole] Good luck.
[Molly] She lives in mom jeans ♪
-And rarely combs her hair -[Cole] But she looks damn good ♪