Chad (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
I'm sorry ♪
CHAD: Hate crimes are
super-horrible things,
and I will no longer
be associated with them.
Hopefully, we can turn
this bitch upside down
and make it a positive thing.
Thank you, guys, for taking the time
to consider this apology.
And there it is.
Is it okay that it's 3 1/2 minutes long?
I personally love it,
but I think brevity is key
to effective Internet videos.
Oh, no. See, with the Internet,
I think the longer the better.
You could trim a minute or two
out of the moment of silence.
It's gonna stay the
way that it is, okay?
- Thanks for understanding.
- Yeah. Uh
Are you pretty devastated
I'm missing school today?
Uh, yeah, a little bit,
but I think I can manage.
I just really hope people like it.
What do you think? Do you
think they'll forgive me?
I mean
it's a little all over the place,
but I can tell your heart is in it.
It really is.
Post it, Chad.
Let the healing begin. [CHUCKLES]
Have a good suspension.
Thanks.
♪
[LAUGHING] Oh, no.
Ah! [LAUGHS] Oh!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm accidentally watching
this thing called "Frasier,"
[LAUGHING] and I'm freaking loving it.
Who made this show?
Hey, you have a cute
little day at your job, Mom.
You're gonna do great.
Chad, you're suspended.
- Mom.
- Hmm?
Love you, but you're really
interrupting "Frasier" a lot.
I'm sorry, but no devices, starting now.
What Please don't.
What are you doing?
Please don't touch my tablet. Please
Mom, that's my tablet.
Please don't touch it.
Mom, those are my tablets.
What are you doing?! Gimme
You're not taking my laptop, Mom!
- That is mine! Mother!
- Chad!
I live off that stuff!
What in the hell?!
You need to use this time
to think about the mistakes you made.
Okay, fine. Then I'll
just look at the engagement
on my TikTok apology real quick.
Mom! I'm just looking
at what my followers
are engaging with me about!
I don't care!
No devices, Chad, means no devices!
What if there's an
international emergency
and I and I need to watch the news?
When do you watch the news?
- Constantly.
- Mm-hmm.
Name three countries.
Oh, come on. Nobody can do that.
- What Mom!
- For what it's worth, Mom,
I think these are the
exact right consequences
for Chad's actions.
You keep my pretty little
name out of your mouth, Niki!
Mom! Niki just threw
a waffle at my head!
- Mm-hmm.
- You're just not gonna discipline her?
- Chad.
- Mom, what am I supposed to do all day?
I'm panicking.
Read a book?
Go outside?
I don't know. Figure it out.
Go outside?
What am I, a freaking golden retriever?
Oh.
Okay, I'm bored in the house ♪
And I'm in the house bored, bored ♪
Bored in the house and I'm
in the house bored, bored ♪
Bored in the house and
I'm in the house bored ♪
And I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪
Bored in the house,
bored in the house, bored ♪
I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪
And I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪
I'm bored, bored,
bored, bored, bored ♪
Bored, bored, bored ♪
I'm bored, bored, bored, bored.. ♪
Ugh, Niki. Nasty.
I'm losing my mind in Niki's room ♪
Bored in the house,
bored in the house, bored ♪
I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪
And I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪
I'm bored, bored,
bored, bored, bored ♪
Bored, bored, bored ♪
CHAD: [SOBS] Ugh!
Chad?
[WATER RUNNING]
Chad?
Are you in here?
Are you happy?!
Mom, thank you for agreeing to meet me.
I'm gonna be straight up with you.
I'd like my phone back, please.
- You're not getting your phone back.
- Ugh!
And clearly, you can't be
left alone in the house.
It's been two hours since I left,
and look how you're acting.
Yeah, it's called sending
you a very direct message.
Which is why you're
going to work with Hamid
for the rest of your suspension.
You want me to go to the rug store?!
The hell am I gonna do in there?
That's no place for
a young American boy!
♪
What?
Oh! There he is! Mr. Worker!
- Hi.
- Mm.
What do you think?
I think you straight-up
have a rug store.
And look who else is here.
[BEEPING]
Oh, my God.
[BEEPING CONTINUES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
That literally took forever.
Hi, Mohsen.
Let me give you a little tour.
Here is your folding chair.
I put a Post-It Note with
your name on the back.
- "Chad."
- I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
Hamid, my life is pretty
centered around electronics,
so you're looking at a young man
going through heroin
withdrawals right now.
Then you have come to the perfect place.
Look around at the rugs.
You can't even get half of
these colors on television.
You can literally get all of
these colors on television.
Each rug tells a story
way better than the
ones you see on Netflips.
Flips? Look at this story, huh?
Flower, squiggle, flower
cliffhanger, what's gonna happen next?
uh-oh, squiggle!
And that's just the edge.
Wait till you get to the middle.
- Right, Mohsen?
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- Ooh.
- The hell is funny about this?
Chad, are you sure you don't
want some chai? I just made it.
No, but if you have any
Harvest Cheddar SunChips,
- I'll have some of those.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, Pasha, my man!
- Hamid!
- Mohsen!
- HAMID: Come, Chad, say hello to Pasha.
You remember my nephew?
I absolutely have no
recollection of you.
What's up, little man?
You know how it is. Ball is life.
Gucci, gucci.
Hamid, I need you to
take a look at this rug.
- Are you selling?
- For the right price.
Before I buy, Mohsen must inspect it.
You understand.
Yes. I just need to get my mom.
- His mom?
- Yeah, let's roll it out.
Come on, Chad. Help me.
Ugh.
♪
HAMID: Oh, my God. Are you seeing this?
Seeing what?
Mohsen and Pasha's mom have
known each other for many years.
They play it cool, but they
have a steamy physical history.
She looks like a rapper's girlfriend.
What the hell is he doing?
Mohsen knows rugs better
than anyone in this world.
He is rug savant.
He's just gently
dilly-dallying with tassels.
He needs his magnifier.
Go get it from the back, Chad.
- Right this second?
-Just go!
What's the urgency?
♪
OPERATOR: 911. What's your emergency?
Thank God. Oh, my gosh. Ma'am.
Can you please open up the web browser
underscore amani underscore?
Thank you so much.
Sir, if you don't have
an actual emergency,
- I have to hang up.
- Oh, no, no. It is an emergency.
O-Obviously, if there's
been a car accident or
or someone's neighbor
is on fire or something,
please put me on hold.
Are you aware it's a federal
offense to misuse 911?
I cannot believe it's
come to this, ma'am.
Can I speak to your supervisor?
Madame, please!
HAMID: Chad, did you find it?
Uh, coming!
Shoot, I'm gonna have to call you back.
♪
Sorry about that.
I-It was buried under,
like, a thousand napkins.
We'll buy it for $800.
What is this? A dog bed from Costco?
You offend me, and you offend my mother.
Fine. $1,300.
Your offer is so low,
my mother is leaving.
Damn, she's good. $2,000.
Okay.
PASHA: Wonderful. Thank you, Hamid joon.
Xodâhâfez.
What the hell is going on?
You just gave them $2,000
for this janky-ass rug?
You could buy a house with that.
And you got Persian Mr. Bean over here
- packing hundos in his khakis?
- It's a beautiful rug.
We can easily sell it for
thousands more. Come on.
My God.
♪
Okay, so are we all done here?
My body is tired.
Oh, we are just getting started, Chaddy.
You are gonna bring
this rug back to life
using this.
A friggin' baseball bat?
Yes. Beating a rug is the first
but most essential step of
cleaning and restoring it.
Look at this rug.
What do you see?
Um, it's, like, hella dirty
and it smells like dead cats.
Mm. Yes, Chad. This rug is filthy.
It is at rock bottom.
Probably lower than rock bottom.
The world sees it and
thinks it's unredeemable.
But if you look deeper,
you can see this rug
is full of potential.
In fact, it's beautiful.
♪
It's the most goddamn
beautiful thing I've ever seen.
H-Hey, do you guys
mind being little angels
and giving me a few
minutes alone with the rug?
I-I would love to get to know
it on a more intimate level.
Say no more, Chad. We
are out of your hairs.
- Mohsen.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
- Don't come back, okay?
I'm really excited about what
I'm learning from you guys.
♪
[BELL DINGS]
Hi, there. Can I help you
find something today? Oh!
Oh, my God. I just want you to know
you guys are really doing
the Lord's work in here.
- Okay. Wow.
- Yes!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Ah.
[LINE RINGING]
Peter, come on!
Hey, Chad. How's it going?
Oh, my God, Peter! Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay, listen to me. I need a full
download on every single thing
that's happened on the
Internet in the last six hours.
And thank God I remembered
your telephone number by heart.
- This is why we did that.
- Well, there was this baby meme
that I was seeing for the first time
- [BELL DINGS]
- HAMID: Chad, no.
Peter, please be more prepared
for a call like this next time!
How can I prepare for
- Chad, let's go.
- No, one second.
I just have to see the
engagement on my post.
Please, Chad. Your
mother made me promise.
This is for your own good, huh?
No, no, no.
Got you eye on the new iPad Pro, I see.
Yes. What a wonderful
piece of machinery.
We can't get enough.
Will you give us a moment?
No, no, no. This is bad.
This is bad! Oh, no.
- Chaddy joon.
- No, no!
They hate me, Hamid.
They freakin' hate me.
It's okay. It's gonna be okay.
Mohsen! Not now!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Mohsen!
Come on. Let's go. Come on.
- Let's get you out of here.
- Oh, God.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Aaaahhh!
- I ain't never had a limit ♪
- I! Hate! This! Rug!
Ugh!
Everybody want to bounce ♪
Nobody playing the position ♪
Unh, oh, you thought it was ♪
I have never seen anyone, man or beast,
hit a rug like that.
Dusty-ass loser!
Persian rug!
We on the move now ♪
We on the move ♪
Now it's time for you to
learn how to wash a rug.
First, we must use the power washer
to rid the fibers of debris.
She is a high-pressure weapon
and can be deadly if not used correctly.
Be careful. I once saw my cousin Reza
bruise the tip of his
doo-doo with this thing.
Pretty sure it's just a normal
hose shaped like a gun, Hamid.
[MOTOR RUNNING]
Oh.
Watch the years of dirt float away.
You are turning back the hands of time.
Oh, my God!
This is the most satisfying thing
I've ever done in my entire life.
Holy shit!
This carpet was dirty!
Are you guys seeing this?
♪
CHAD: Whoa.
You see how beautiful
the pattern is now?
Wow!
Look at that.
I was so judgmental
on this thing before.
The pattern is a language.
It tells us where the rug
was made and who made it.
Each rugs takes months to make,
and it can last for hundreds of years,
passed down from
generation to generation.
Look at all the beauty it
has underneath this cat piss.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYS]
Whoo!
[INDISTINCT] Stop.
Rrow! Rrow! Rrow!
Whoa! [LAUGHS]
That's right, I'm another decoy ♪
Oh, you're so clean.
Yes!
Turn, turn. I'm turning, I'm turning.
Are you ready to see
the fruits of your labor?
♪
Holy
hot diggity dog!
She's gorgeous.
Wow.
And to think,
you guys basically almost
threw this thing away.
$6,000?!
Go ahead. Put it on.
[SIGHS] Look at the little guy.
He doesn't even know that today
is the first day of
the rest of his life.
[KETTLE WHISTLES]
My chai! Come on. Let's celebrate.
I'll be right there.
♪
You're a special little rug.
♪
Ah, welcome, welcome.
Let us know if you need help.
Thank you.
♪
Oh, my God. Look at this one.
It would be perfect in our den.
The hell is a den?
I don't know. It's kind of loud.
No. I think it pairs nicely
with all our ethnic artifacts.
Oh, God.
[CLEARS THROAT]
It's not for sale.
Really? It has a price tag.
Well, [CHUCKLES] that's a mistake.
This rug's not for sale.
You guys have a great day.
- Bye.
- What's going on?
JANIE: We were interested
in buying this rug.
And he keeps telling
us it's not for sale.
CHAD: 'Cause it's my rug.
Tell them it's my rug
and it's not for sale.
Eh, Mohsen?
Can you show these
people some other options?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mohsen will help you.
CHAD: Get rid of them, Mohsen.
[SIGHS] What's wrong, Chaddy joon?
- What's up?
- Talk to me.
I don't want those people
to have this rug, okay?
Please get rid of them.
Why are you saying these things?
I'm speaking from the heart,
and my heart is pissed off
and does not want them
to go home with this rug.
Chad, you must set this rug free.
I don't want to. I love it.
So I'm gonna instead suffocate it
and not let go of it, ever.
No, that is not what you must do
That's what you do when you love things.
No, you set them free.
Please get rid of them.
- Why?
- Because.
She used the word "ethnic."
That can't be good.
That means she probably
takes her shoes off
when she comes home. It's good.
I don't want her putting her
nasty-ass feet on this rug
- that I love so much!
- They seem like very nice people.
They're not nice!
They're jacking my rug!
They're problematic!
- Chad.
- [FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
HAMID: Chaddy?
Congratulations on
selling the sexiest rug
I've ever laid my eyes on.
Get those Benjamins, I guess.
We didn't sell it.
What the hell are you talking about?
No one's gonna buy the rug
because it belongs to you.
Mohsen and I want to give it to you.
W-What? Seriously?
Mohsen, is he being serious?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God. He's telling the truth.
But what about your Benjamins?
You busted your rump on this bad boy.
I've never seen you work so hard.
It's yours. You earned it.
[VOICE BREAKING] Thank you so much.
This is the freaking best
not-electronics gift I've ever gotten!
Or just tossing it out there
if you prefer, you can
have 10% of the sale,
which comes to $600.
Take all the time you need to decide.
Let's do the money thing. I'll do that.
Thanks God. That couple
is still out there.
Mohsen, go get them before they leave.
♪
It really means a lot to me
that you know I love money.
Real quick, since you
sent him in there
does he speak English?
He does not.
Peter, just let me know. Ready? Ready.
What's up, everyone?
I got your guys' feedback
on my apology video,
and the feedback was "We hate this."
So, I'm gonna pivot, and now
check out this new content.
Let's crank this bitch up.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ah!
- [CRASHING]
Peter, did did you get that?
Someone drew a dog with
luscious human breasts on this sign,
and while we could all
agree that's hilarious,
it's getting hosed.
♪
It fell off.
Peter, look! Does it
look like I'm peeing?
[LAUGHS]
♪
Exclamation point
[CHUCKLES] for my name.
This car is absolutely filthy.
Let's give it a little wash.
♪
- [GLASS SHATTERS, CAR ALARM WAILS]
- Oh.
Drop the camera! I can't pay for this!
♪
[MAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
♪