Changing Ends (2023) s02e02 Episode Script

ADULT ALAN: My 12th birthday
was fast approaching,
and I had a party to organise.
Right, watch out.
Don't touch the
plates, they're hot.
You're putting them
on my name places.
I'm party planning. God!
It's very complicated.
Kids' parties.
Who in their right mind
invites a gang of E
number-riddled little monsters
to run riot in your home?
Well, not me, actually,
as it happens.
So, who's coming?
Charlie, Kay, Val
That's it. I want it
nice and intimate.
Val? Dinner lady Val?
Should she be coming?
Well, if you're getting nerves about
cooking for a dinner lady, don't be.
She's made a few duff meals
herself. ALAN CHUCKLES
But she's got a heart of gold.
Why don't we invite
some more people?
I did. I invited Miss Gideon,
but she's playing a bollard
in a road safety commercial.
Oh Well, if you want any help
organising some fun party games
Mum, it's gonna be perfect.
You just worry about your
Neighbourhood Watch meeting.
I've got everything in hand.
It's a detective theme.
Wink Murder, Miss
Marple double bill,
then Now That's What
I Call Music Nine,
Battenberg, then
Carriages at five.
You're a right little
Peter Stringfellow.
Who's Peter Stringfellow?
Eat your dinner.
Come on, what's the
catch? 'Oh, that's nice.'
Can't a chairman get his
favourite manager a little treat
to say thank you for getting
us to the top of the league?
Ah I don't trust you.
Rockery Lane Motors want
to give you a free car,
and you're turning
your nose up at it.
That doesn't look good, Graham.
Doesn't look good at all.
'Are you stupid? You're
a waste of space.'
Are you talking to me?
No, Banjo. Oh. Oh, great.
Bucket's on his back,
just like his mum.
YELLING: Get up, you lazy sod!
Can I pick the colour?
Yeah, go for it.
Red. How about claret, with
white trim around the alloys?
What, like the kit? That's
it. Nice and patriotic.
No. I'll go with red.
Claret? Red.
I'll put your name down
for claret with white trim,
and if you change your
mind, just let me know.
MUSIC: "The King of Rock
'n' Roll" by Prefab Sprout
Right. Press ups now!
FOOTBALLER: Really?
ADULT ALAN: Oh, it
used to boil my urine,
being excluded from the
Neighbourhood Watch meetings.
Were they mad? I was
perfect for the job.
Raised on a diet of
Agatha and Sherlock,
constantly looking
out the window
with a pair of binoculars
glued to my hand.
I was basically CCTV.
HE GASPS Wow.
Blackbird.
Right, so, today, we're gonna
discuss Geoffrey's hedge,
and, er Kathleen's
multi-story rabbit hutch.
MUTTERING I tell you what.
Shall we just cap it at three?
Yes. Yeah? Yeah. Definitely.
Chris. Chris. Where does
he sit when he's here?
Does Graham sit in this chair?
DOORBELL RINGS
Excuse me, Arthur.
Angela. Oh! There's a
pervert on the close.
Huh? Oh, come in, Ange (!)
A Peeping Tom. I tell
you, I was in my negligee.
The pink one with the lacy trim.
Mm. I look out my window,
there's a man there
with a dog and a red bobble hat.
The dog was wearing a bobble hat?
He was peeping through my curtain.
Honestly, I froze.
I could feel beads of sweat
dripping down my decolletage.
Not again, Ange. Come off it.
Didn't you accuse Gordon
Woods of having a fiddle?
Yes, and once I realised he was
doing a Rubik's Cube under his mac,
I apologised.
His wife left him
because of it. Poor sod.
She was on her way out
anyway. GASPS OF DISAPPROVAL
BIRDSONG
Another blackbird.
Oh.
LITTLE GASP
BIG GASP
Gary, Quick!
Guys, guys, I have
just seen a pervert.
He snatched some knickers
from the line. What?
Wh-Whose? Debbie's.
Debbie's? One minute,
they were there,
the next, they were gone,
weren't they, Gary? Yeah.
So even though I've been
excluded from the meeting,
I thought, as a
neighbour who watches,
I should bring it
to the meeting.
Oh, this is awful. We need to
investigate this straight away.
Oh, so, when a man says it,
you all take it seriously,
but when I say it, I'm
just a silly young girl?
Young? Hysterical,
loving the attention.
Alan, can you give
us a description?
I think I saw more
of him than he did.
The way he yanked those
knickers off the line,
I could sense anger
in those fingers.
His fingers? I saw
his whole arm. Yes.
But my eyes are younger.
What the glasses for, then?
All right, all right, let's just
calm down about the pervert.
I think I need a brandy.
What IS a pervert?
It's someone who, er.. looks
studies birds, but
a little bit sad.
Is Alan a pervert?
Make it a double.
Kay. Kay, there's a
Peeping Tom on our close.
The drama of it
all. No-one's safe.
You OK? I'm sorry, Alan,
they just ambushed me.
They grabbed it out my bag.
TAYLOR: Morning,
dweeb. Oh, no.
Really? Wink Murder?
Yeah, I bet your party
will be full of "winkers".
AS ALAN: "Come to my house, have
a glass of dandelion and bumdock."
Go on, bugger off, you little
toe-rags. Calm down, Miss
It's his special day, and
he'll celebrate how he likes.
Right. I wanna know
all about your party.
Tell me who's coming.
The guest list is very
exclusive. You, me, Kay, Charlie.
Right. Well, I wouldn't
miss it for the world.
Bye, Val. Bye.
Hm.
I think it's going
to be a great party,
and I like the
fact it's intimate.
Even if it was just us
two, it would be great.
Oh, Kay, you can't play
Wink Murder with two people.
God. Sometimes, I think you're
a biro short of a pencil case.
This Peeping Tom's
a worry, Ange.
Graham's got a
string of away games,
so I'm definitely
putting the Chubb on.
I mean, I know I've got Alan
here to protect me, but
I'd put the Chubb on I don't
want him worrying about all this.
Not with his party coming
up. It's horrible, isn't it?
I'll never get used
to men leering at me.
I mean, for you, it's
probably a novelty.
Bet you're gagging for a
wolf-whistle, bless you.
We are not all
sex objects, Ange.
My life isn't a
bloody Carry On film.
Ooh, hello, ladies! Any
news on the Peeping Tom?
No. I gave the police a
description of the man,
his bobble hat and his dog,
but they are not bothered.
It's like any mystery,
the clues are all there, you
just gotta look for them.
What does Shaw Taylor say on
Police 5? "Keep 'em peeled!"
Mum, Dad's got
a new car. What?
ALAN GASPS Come on, then, Mum!
The moment my Dad got a free car,
I knew he'd become a celebrity.
And how was I to know
in 20 years or so,
I'd become one too?
Me and me father, Northampton's
answer to the Kardashians.
Well, lets face
it, I had the arse.
Oh, cool, Dad! Oh, wow!
Oh, wow! It's so shiny.
Oh, my God! Graham, look at it.
It's not what I asked for.
Oh, stop moaning.
It's lovely, Graham.
You work so hard for this town.
Why shouldn't you
get something back?
Top of the league, and you're
splashing your cash on that.
Cobblers' colours
too, of course.
D'you not think she could've
spent that money on the lounge?
Get rid of that bloody
sofa? I love that sofa.
I'll see you back in the
house. You all right?
Yeah, are you? You're
hiding something. Move.
BOTH: Oh!
Ron had the bright idea
to put my face on the car.
Who's Ron, and why
does he hate you?
It's complimentary,
free, gratis.
Yeah, and gets us
from A to B. Sorry, Ange.
Any news on your
pervert? Not a sausage.
I'm trying to tone it down,
you know, so as not to provoke,
but you know me, Graham.
I have a certain
power over men.
GARY: It's so cool! Right,
well, I'll keep an eye out.
Will you? Which one? The
one looking at the sunroof,
or the one sliding down
the door? ANGE LAUGHS
State of that. I'll
walk you back, Ange.
We wouldn't want you getting
molested en route, would we?
Right, you keep your eyes
peeled Out. Come on, out.
GARY HUFFS
Gary, bags!
ADULT ALAN: I still
couldn't believe my luck.
A mystery to solve,
and my birthday party,
all in the same
week. KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in. What a
time to be alive.
Got your cocoa, darling.
Mum, when was the
last time you heard
Dirty Nets Janette doberman
bark in the evenings?
Oh, I dunno, it barks every time you
walk past the fence. Yeah, exactly.
Well, Ange said the
pervert had a dog.
Look at the street map.
If the pervert came
down Saddlebrook Drive,
I'd bet my bottom dollar that
Janette's doberman would've barked.
But we didn't hear nothing, right?
Right, but what does that?
So the pervert has come from
Wilder Avenue. He must've.
But to then To get a
direct view of Ange's window,
he must've sidestepped Bob
Donne's security light.
But the pervert didn't
because only this
half of the street
know that Bob Donne's security
light needed its battery changing.
So the pervert lives
here! Oh, you are clever. Oh.
Well, I learnt from the best.
So, my guess is the pervert
comes down Wilder Avenue
with his dog between
six and half eight.
Because that's the perfect time
to look through windows. No.
DRAWER OPENS
I found this dog poo down
there, and it was semi-hard.
Oh, Alan! You've gone
too far. It's disgusting!
What? Oh, it stinks. It's
going out the window!
Mum, that's evidence.
That's evi It's horrible.
ALAN GASPS It's him!
Oh, my God. Move.
My God.
DOG BARKS
Where's? Where is he?
I don't know. He's run off!
ADULT ALAN: So, the next
night, with Dad away,
and with no help
from the police,
Mum and Ange decided to
catch the pervert themselves.
But how were they gonna do
it? Pathology? Forensics?
Stand and look sexy in your
window with the curtains ajar,
and I'll do the same. Over.
WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES
ANGE: 'What's a sexy width?'
'I want the pervert
to get a good view.'
Ange, what are you doing? Over.
Can't have a honey
trap with no honey.
You'll have every
perv in Northampton
coming down the drive. Over.
Be interesting to see who
he goes for, won't it?
The downtrodden suburban
housewife, or the seductive minx.
Oh, thanks, Ange, but I
wouldn't call myself a minx.
'Oh, no, I meant I meant me.'
Oh, sorry. Can't hear you? Over.
No, no, Christine, I meant
me. CHRIS IMITATES STATIC
WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS
Alan, are you ready?
Yes, Mum. Don't worry,
we'll catch him.
I've got my camera.
And I've got some
knickers on a stick.
Gary, go to bed.
Fine.
Good God.
WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES 'Nigel,
Nigel! You're tickling me.'
NIGEL: 'I dunno about the
pervert out there.' Alan?
'There's a pervert
in here. Cor!'
Alan, we've lost half
the honey. Oh, God.
Alan, I can't
make it stop. No.
Stop, turn it off. Turn it off.
I'm Make it Turn it off, Alan!
'Nigel!' WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS
There you go. Thanks, love.
BOTH SCREAM
YELLING: It's him! Get your camera.
Get your camera. It's the pervert.
Alan, did you get
him? Did you get him?
No.
ADULT ALAN: I wasn't gonna beat
myself up about the elusive pervert.
I'm sure even Poirot
had the odd duvet day.
And besides, I had to conserve some
energy for the impending soiree.
'And where did they go,
madame? Can you tell us that?'
Oh, you're off early. Yeah.
Ron wants me to
drive the new car
around the ring road
a couple of times,
try to create a buzz.
Oh, traffic'll be murder.
That's the point,
more people see it.
KEYS JANGLE I wish I'd
never got that car.
Any road, see you
later. Oh, Graham.
Oh HE WHISTLES
Thanks, love.
He-e-ey! Happy birthday!
Oh, thanks, Dad. I'll see
you later, at the party.
Alan, I already told
you, I've got work.
Any road, you don't want your
old man cramping your style.
See you later. Graham.
SHE WHISPERS: This party,
there's gonna be no-one here.
How many are coming?
Well, I've just cut a
scotch egg into quarters,
and that's the food done. Ooh!
Massive gloves.
HE SIGHS
'If you both would be so kind,
'there is something
you could do to help.
'Please, join me in my suite,
'as I have pulled together all those
I consider relevant to this case.'
ADULT ALAN: Zut alors!
Poirot was back
in the room. Oh.
Maybe this detective wasn't
gonna have a day off after all.
MUSIC: 'Superman'
by Black Lace
So
what was your favourite
bit of Murder She Wrote?
The end.
Well, even though
there wasn't a plus-one
on the invitation, Charlie
But Maz is my girlfriend.
As it's my birthday,
I'm willing to let this one go.
And would it have hurt
you to have dressed up?
It's a detective theme.
I'm missing the
roller disco for this.
With my ACTUAL friends.
Oh. Don't you look handsome
as Sherlock Holmes.
Thought I'd walked
into 221B Baker Road.
Street. Thanks, Mum.
Don't you look
dapper as Dr Watson?
Oh, thanks for letting
Gary get involved.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your snacks are served.
Is everyone having a good time?
Oh, yes, Mrs Carr.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, another guest?
The fourth oh
fifth and final one.
CHRISTINE CHUCKLES
We're here for the party.
Oh, you all right, Roy?
Oh, sorry, it's a children's party.
It's OK, Mum, I invited them.
Everyone come on in,
make yourselves at home.
Gary, refreshments.
ADULT ALAN: Sacrificing my
little party wasn't ideal,
but someone had to keep
the mean streets of Northampton
safe. Hello. You all right?
Alan, birthday boy, may I
have a quick word, please?
Why didn't you tell me you'd
invited half the close?
We've got no food in.
All will be revealed. It's
part of my master plan.
Well, whilst you're coming
up with your master plan,
get in the kitchen and get those
crinkle cut chips defrosted.
Step away from those
crinkle cut chips.
You don't invite a trio of
dinner ladies to a party
and expect to cook yourself.
I tried to discover
A little something
To make me sweeter ♪
I can't wait for this to end. I'm
supposed to be at roller disco.
Oh, I hear you. I don't wanna be
hanging out with these oldies.
I've got a good mind to pop my
Walkman on, and have a beatbox.
ANGE BEATBOXES
Oi, oi, oi, oi! Who
ordered the party?
Banjo, show 'em some
moves. I'll get the, er
Rice Krispie cakes.
Things are looking up.
CHRISTINE: Oh, you're
back. Dad! You made it!
Oh, it's a nightmare.
The Kettering Road was shut,
so I had to take the bypass.
And I wouldn't have missed
it for the world, son. Gary.
Go and get his beer out the
fridge. Who are all these people?
You invited all the players?
Well, I-I couldn't
have no-one turn up.
Thank you.
Oh, Dad. Val's made
some sausage rolls,
and, look, I'm not just saying
it, but they are her best yet.
Oh, and thanks for the
presents. I love them.
They're serving gloves, perfect
for hot and cold platters.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna go back to oven mitts.
Oh, waiter. Sausage
roll, please. Excuse me.
Hey.
They're not serving gloves,
they're goalie gloves.
Why'd a goalie be serving food?
Can we go now?
My mum's flirting
with the footballers.
Take, take, take, take
T-T-T-T-T-Take, take
Take or leave us
Only please ♪
DOORBELL RINGS
What d'you think they're gonna play
at this party? Pass the "Arse-el".
BOTH LAUGH Erm What's
The Time, Mr Puff?
Oh, hello, boys, come on in.
Do you want a fairy cake?
Sounds appropriate.
Here, Christine.
Why don't you serve these
egg custards, darling?
And I'll take care of these two.
Let me just see if
you're on the guest list.
Mm-hm. SHE HUMS
No. Oh, but we've
got an invitation.
Oh, my God, there he is!
The dirty, dirty pervert.
No, you silly cow, that's Graham's
face on the side of the car.
It has got a whiff of
pervert about it, Chris.
He wants to watch
where he parks that.
He'll end up on a list.
This is a real pinch
me moment, you know?
Sitting next to you.
Doing normal things
with your family.
CRISP CRUNCHES
Eating crisps.
ADULT ALAN: Everything
was in place. I was ready.
RECORD SCRATCH
MUSIC STOPS GUEST: Who
turned the music off?
My lords, ladies, and
residents of the close.
I brought you all
here for a reason.
Oh. As you know, there is a
pervert terrorising the close.
Oh, 'ey up, Banjo,
he's onto you. LAUGHTER
Hey. No, not Banjo.
Someone closer to home.
Someone in this very room.
CROWD GASPS
I knew it! It's
Graham. Sit down, Ange.
Jeez.
I've amalgamated all the evidence,
and through my investigations,
I have discovered
that the culprit
knew these streets like
the back of his hand.
Someone with an axe to grind.
Someone bitter.
At first, I thought it
was you CROWD GASPS
Bin Bag Diane.
Do they really call
me Bin Bag Diane?
But then I thought, "No, no, it
must be someone with a motive.
"A kink." ROY CHUCKLES
"Someone with a track
record" Oh, get on with it.
It's a party. GUEST: Yeah!
Oh, right. It's
Sidney. CROWD GASPS
Me? I'm not even
here. I work nights.
I've had to take on extra
shifts because we're
we're saving up for a holiday
because it might be
Carol's last. CROWD GASPS
Oh. I'm so sorry, Sidney.
Alan, what are you thinking?
Course it's not him.
ADULT ALAN: Well, he
looked like a wrong 'un.
I think we need a tune.
Gary, go and get Sidney a Kestrel
out the fridge, darling. Quick!
This one's for
Carol. BUTTON CLICKS
Touch me, touch me
I wanna feel your body ♪
I coulda swore it was Sidney.
All the clues pointed to one man.
Made me rethink my position
on the death penalty.
Touch me, touch me now ♪
Touch me ♪
It's a kids' party, Ange.
All right.
GUEST: Go on, Banjo. Let's
get those hips swinging.
LAUGHTER Mm! Ah!
PERVERT VOCALISES
PERVERT: All right,
darling? BANJO: Ow!
Oh, no! I got him. I
got you, you pervert!
You're not Ange.
Sorry, mate. Oh, no!
BANJO GRUNTS Come on, boys.
ALFIE: Let's get him!
GUEST: Call the police!
NIGE: It's the jeans,
and the white jumper.
You looked like my ex, mate.
You ought to be locked
up, you pervert. Alfie!
I'm sorry. Sorry,
mate. I'm sorry.
Alfie, that's Nigel!
He has an alibi.
Look, he's a pervert,
but he's not THE pervert.
Thank you, Christine. All
right? All right? All right.
You all right,
Nige? All right.
Your arse looks
like my wife's arse.
All right. Yeah.
I'll get Nige a beer.
Let's cut the cake, shall we?
Let's cut the cake. Come on, then.
Come on, everyone.
Let's cut the cake.
Ange. Ange, you look
the same from behind.
ADULT ALAN: We never did find
who the pervert was in the end.
The next time a pair of knickers
got whipped off the line
was the great storm of 1987.
But he's still out
there. Be vigilant.
Keep 'em peeled.
Sweet little mystery
That makes me try ♪
Hang about, that's
him, the dirty pervert!
Sweet little mystery That
makes me try, try, try, try
Didn't I come resisting
This sight of wonder
Didn't I come insisting
The higher decision
Didn't I come resisting
This sight of wonder
To your life
Say I wouldn't steer
you wrong Now, baby. ♪
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