Chelmsford 123 (1988) s02e02 Episode Script

(Ball rolls along floor) Cut off his head! (Drum roll) We've done it, we've done it! It's here, Aulus, look! - What are you talking about? - Badvoc's head.
- Why have you brought it here? - You said you wanted it on a platter.
Well, here it is! Look! (Gags) Well, Badvoc, you may still frighten Aulus but you don't frighten me.
Arrrrrgh! Arrrgh! Aulus! Aulus! Erm, Badvoc's Sorry, I must have fallen asleep.
I see.
I wasn't boring you, was I? - No, no, not at all.
- Well, he was boring everybody else.
As I was saying, Chelmsford is in a state of emergency.
If this drought continues, everything, and I mean everything, will dry up.
Except you, Viatorus.
If I understand this correctly, what you're saying is that in hot weather, water dries up.
Well, if you want to be simplistic about it, yes.
And it's taken you five and a half hours to tell us that.
My dear Aulus, may I remind you that my superb civil engineering ended the great Syrian drought disaster.
Oh yes, or as we now know it, the great Syrian flood disaster.
It wasn't my fault.
They dammed the wrong river.
Oh, get out, Viatorus, get out! Ah, good.
Some cool refreshing water from the well.
- Here, Mungo, is this water from the well? - Yeah.
- You sure? - Positive.
That's funny.
It's normally filthy.
Cheers.
Wolfbane, you're supposed to be a clairvoyant.
- How long's this heatwave going to last? - I'll tell you, Badvoc.
What's that for? A pine cone is a well-known indicator of future weather conditions.
- A pine cone? - Yes.
A pine cone can tell you the weather? Yes! What's the weather going to be like? (Squeaks) Come on, you can tell me.
(Squeaks) He's a bit shy.
- He's been a bit depressed lately.
- Ah! Yes, I think it's the weather.
Come on.
(Squeaks) Yes.
(Squeaks) Yes! (Squeaks) I see! Right.
He says he's not sure but he thinks it's going to be a bit on the hot side.
Brilliant (!) I could have told you that without a pine cone.
Oh, you've upset him now! Down, Spike, down, boy! Listen, Wolfbane, I'm fed Ah.
You're a Druid.
What you going to do about this drought? There's only one thing for it, Badvoc.
We'll have to do a rain dance.
What, in this heat? No fear! (Fly buzzes) - This heat is getting worse.
Just look out there.
The citizens of Chelmsford staggering about aimlessly.
Bodies piled high against the walls.
People tearing their clothes off and running berserk through the streets.
Must be pay day.
Have you no compassion? Can you find no charity in your heart for these people? No.
No, neither can I.
Still, it is very worrying.
The cattle are dropping like flies.
The men are dropping like flies.
The flies seem to be doing rather well, though.
Funny, that.
Come to think of it, I've never seen a fly drop.
Perhaps we should change that expression to dropping like cows.
What do you think? Viatorus, Aulus will just get paranoid and start blaming the gods.
It's the gods.
They've got it in for me.
It's probably Apollo.
He's never forgiven me.
What for? Well, many years ago on the feast of Apollo I was supposed to sacrifice an ox in his honour.
I didn't happen to have an ox on me at the time.
So what did you use? A carrot.
A carrot? Well, I put two horns on it, I mean But Apollo wasn't satisfied, oh no.
Now he's trying to ruin me.
I'll be a laughing stock in Rome.
"Did you hear about Aulus Paulinus?" They'll say.
"We put him in charge of the wettest province with the highest rainfall and guess what? Everybody died of thirst!" Aulus, don't get so emotional.
This is a scientific problem.
Fortunately you have on your staff a man widely acknowledged as the finest civil engineer in the Empire.
Why isn't he here, then? He is! Oh, I'm sorry, Viatorus.
I didn't recognise you from the description.
Had you said a man widely acknowledged as one of the most useless old farts in the Empire, I might have made the connection more easily.
I'm afraid I don't appreciate your zany humour, Aulus.
Suffice it to say that I have formulated a simple yet brilliant plan to end this drought scientifically.
(AII chant) Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain and rain and rain and rain! - And R - A - I - N ?? Come on, rain! No, it's not working.
You must be doing something wrong.
Right, from the top, and remember, plenty of tits and teeth.
Right! Hang on, hang on, Wolfbane, Wolfbane, Shouldn't we be doing this rain dance outside? - No! What if it worked? We'd get soaked! - Good point.
- Right, from the top then.
- No, stop, stop, stop.
I've been thinking.
We didn't have a heatwave till the Romans came here, right? The Romans come from Rome which is a hot place.
They're used to heat.
You see what they've done? They've transported their hot weather over here to kill us off so they can have Britain to themselves.
No, you can't shift weather round like that.
"You can't shift weather" Mungo, you are stuck in the Stone Age.
You've got to think second century.
They're transporting their weather over here in sacks.
How do they transport hot sunny days in sacks? I'm sorry but they do call me Mungo the Inquisitive.
- Why's that? - Why is that? That is fascinating.
Listen, we're living in a scientific age.
Things move on.
You know, I predict that one day they'll even have a man on the moon.
Don't be daft! Man on the moon! - Moon's too small.
- What? I've seen it at night! It's only that big! "The moon's too small.
" Idiot! They'd get small men, wouldn't they? It's all very well talking about putting a man on the moon.
But you still can't get through to directory enquiries, can you? What did you say, Blag? I don't know.
I just had one of my hot flushes.
Let's go and see Aulus, see what he's going to do about this drought.
He's a man of science.
(AII chant) Rain and rain and rain and rain! - R - A I No, it's not going to work.
Once more from the top.
Are you sure this is right? My dear Aulus, this is the state of the art in meteorological technology.
I think we'll sacrifice that ox.
- We haven't got any.
- What do you mean? Chelmsford is famous for its ox.
You can't move for bloody ox in Chelmsford.
Should be called Oxford, never mind Chelmsford.
- What exactly is a chelm anyway? - Shut up! It's quite simple.
All you need to do is to sacrifice a substitute ox.
A what? You know, some equally large, lumbering, dumb animal.
Evening! Thank you, Apollo! Listen, Aulus, this drought is a national disaster.
You must do something.
Badvoc, I am well aware of the current situation.
Look, this is the last drinking water we have here in Chelmsford.
Now, as a token of our friendship, I suggest that you and I share it.
No, I won't drink this water.
There are people who need this water more than I do.
- Cheers.
- Get off.
Aulus, I have walked here through streets lined with farmers whose crops have failed.
Ordinary citizens who cannot feed their families.
Young people, old people, gasping for a drop of water.
They look to me their leader to help them.
They're my people, Aulus, so how can I sit here and drink the last water in the land? I must think of my people.
I must put my people first.
Well said, Badvoc.
- The people.
- The people.
Badvoc! Badvoc, wake up, Badvoc! - Who is it? - It's me, Wolfbane.
- Let me light the torch.
- No, don't! This is top secret.
- What do you want? - I got something to show you.
- Let me light the torch.
- No, we don't want anyone else to see this.
- What is it? - It's a map.
Oh yes, of course (!) It's got that familiar mappy rustle all maps have in total blackness.
Your eyes will get used to the dark in a minute.
Have you seen this? - Oh yes, Wolfbane.
Have you seen this? - What? (Punching sound) - Argh! Argh! - Now can we light the torch? - All right.
- What's all the noise about? - I've made a fantastic discovery.
This is a map of Chelmsford before the Romans came.
Now, if you look very carefully, you can just the word "well".
Well? Well! Well, well! Well, well, well, well, well! - You see what this means? - Yeah, there are ten wells! No.
No, one well! Unfortunately it's 12 feet below Aulus's front room.
- Ah, so we've got to ask Aulus if - No, no.
We don't tell Aulus.
- This is British water.
- Oh, right, so we get to drink the lot.
No, no, Badvoc.
With respect, in business terms you're being very naive.
It would be a waste to drink it.
What we do is sell this water back to the Romans and we all get rich.
Wouldn't we all die of thirst? You don't succeed in business without taking risks.
So what we need is a plan.
I've got it.
We go up to Aulus's villa in the dead of night.
We shimmy up the wall of the villa with picks, ropes, buckets, shovels and other items of excavating equipment.
We get on to the tiled roof, dig a hole in the roof, lower ourselves into the front room.
We dismantle Aulus's priceless ornate mosaic floor, dig away the soil, hack our way through the rock and rubble, finally reaching the well.
We take out all the water we need in the buckets, put back the rocks, shift back the soil, replace the priceless ornate mosaic floor, hoist ourselves back up on to the roof, we repair the hole in the roof, shimmy back down the side of the villa, and straight back here without attracting the attention of Aulus or his guards.
It's so simple it just might work.
Well, as much as I'd like to stay up chatting all night, I really should be going.
Pardon? Or perhaps I'll just get a couple of porcupines, lift up your toga and shove 'em where the sun don't shine.
Actually, Aulus, there is something I've been meaning to tell you.
I'm pregnant and you're definitely the father.
Hmm? - I said I'm going to bed.
- Oh, right, yes.
I'm not tired.
It's too hot.
I'll just sit up here and think a while.
Oh, the bloody drought! Get me up, quick! Get me up! Aulus is still there.
He hasn't gone to bed yet.
You didn't tell him about the well, did you? No, no, I just said, "Sorry to drop in unannounced, Aulus.
Any time you want a go on my rope, give us a shout.
" I didn't speak to him, you prat! We'll just have to sit up here until he's gone to bed.
Still, it's a lovely moon up there.
Whenever I sense the delicate glow from her gently smiling face, my heart fills with feelings of love and joy.
That pure white light spells mystery and suggests moments of secret pleasure.
And it's then, then when I see the moon in all her glorious, radiant beauty, then I feel like shagging fat Blodwen.
I didn't know you was a romantic, Wolfbane.
Oh yes, it's my Celtic blood.
If this plan doesn't work we're going to be seeing lots of it.
(Howls) Sorry.
It's the moon.
(Barks) The moon has a strange effect on me.
- I feel like a wolf.
- I'm a bit peckish myself.
(Sighs) I suppose I better go to bed.
Don't think much is going to happen tonight anyway.
Quick, come on, down! We haven't got all night! - Quickly! - Aulus! - I don't believe it.
Up, up! - Aulus! Aulus! Aulus! Aulus! Wake up, Aulus! Wake up, wake up! What? What? I've just come from the map room.
One of the maps has been stolen.
What? A map of ancient Chelmsford has been stolen from the map room! That's very peculiar, Grasientus.
We've got a map room? - Bet it's one of Badvoc's men.
- Grasientus, something puzzles me.
You mean why they want to steal a map of old Chelmsford? No, what you were doing in the map room at three in the morning.
Ah yes, erm Well, apart from the maps I also keep certain literature in there which I browse through often before retiring.
You mean the ones depicting scenes from pastoral Greece.
Yes.
The ones showing shepherds and shepherdesses doing what shepherds and shepherdesses do when they're not shepherding their sheep? The very same.
So what's in this map room then? - Well, apart from the - Greek porno.
Yes, that.
Erm a few maps.
- How many? - One.
- And it's been stolen.
- It's appalling.
Well, Grasientus, we are faced with the most serious problem.
Namely, what do we now call the map room? That's it.
That's it.
Have you any idea who may have stolen this map, Grasientus? Well, we did think it was one of the Britons but quite why It's very puzzling.
(Sniffs) Terrible smell in here.
Sort of sweaty armpits.
Come on, Blag.
Let's start digging.
Right, give me a shovel.
Somebody must have brought a shovel.
So where is this shovel shop? So what time does the shovel shop open? Come on, get a move on, Wolfbane, we haven't got all day.
Dig! There is only so fast I can go using my bare hands.
What I need is a large excavating implement.
Why don't you use your mouth? Look, get back in that hole and don't come up till you've struck water.
Badvoc, Wolfbane keeps hitting me with the soil! Well, why don't you move? I can't move from Chelmsford.
My mum's getting on.
Friends.
All right, Blag.
Look, Wolfbane, can you see anything? Badvoc, I'd like a wor What have you done to my priceless ornate mosaic floor? Aulus, Aulus, is that really you? Can I touch you? It is you! You're alive! You're safe! He's safe! Mungo, he's safe! He's alive! Thank God! We heard you were kidnapped by Belgian terrorists.
And buried alive under your own floor.
Didn't we, Mungo? And hacked to pieces and your heart ripped out.
- Just buried.
- Oh yeah, just buried.
We rushed round to dig you out.
Our prayers have been answered cos here you are.
And with that happy knowledge we'll bid you good night, Aulus.
Good night, Aulus.
No sign of any water down here, not a drop.
Dry as a Aulus.
- Er, Wolfbane, it was you who - Badvoc.
Badvoc.
- Don't even attempt it.
- The We were looking for water that will save us from this drought.
We didn't tell you cos we thought it would be a surprise.
Oh, it was a surprise all right, yes.
When I came back just now and saw you three peering into a massive great hole in my mosaic floor, my brain, believe it or not, registered surprise.
We were convinced there was a well here.
It says so on the map.
That's the stolen map! Where did you get this? I got it from the Greek porno room.
Look, clearly says on this site there is a well.
"Site of ancient wall.
" - Wall? - Wall.
Wall.
Wall? You know what this means, don't you? Yeah, there are five walls and ten wells! I don't know what you're all talking about.
W-A-L-L spells well in my book.
- What book is that? - Spulling For Begunners.
What do you propose to do about my mosaic floor? I kept all the bits.
We can put them back together again.
It's easy when you get the corners.
Be something to do on those long winter nights.
It's completely destroyed! Oooooh! Arrrrrgh! Arrrrrgh! (Thunder) What did you do just then? I did er Oooooh! Eeeeeee! Arrrrrgh! (Thunder) That's it! The rain dance! Aulus has got it! Come on, everybody.
Oooooooh! Arrrrrrrrgh! Eeeeeeee! (Thunder) - Oooooooh! Arrrrrrgh! Eeeeeeee! It's raining! (Laughs) - Badvoc? - Yeah? - It's raining! - I know, it's fantastic! In my dining room! Aulus, you know what the problem is, don't you? - What? - You got a bloody great hole in your roof.
Thanks, Mungo.
My brother's a roofer.
I'll give you his card.
Aulus! Aulus! I did it! I did it! Rain! Rain! I did this.
I beg to differ, Aulus.
It was me! Very well, Viatorus, and how did you bring on the rain then? Well, I simply declared today a bank holiday! Yes!