Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
As that cold bitch winter
bids us adieu,
Chicago emerges from its hibernation
to celebrate the holiest day of the year.
St. Patrick's Day!
Each year we dye our river green
and throw a legendary parade!
And you can always find me
at the O'Malley's Whiskey Float.
It's the highlight of my year!
I've never made it on the float per se.
That honor is reserved
by the O'Malley's Whiskey Queen,
a title currently held
by Chicago's own Molly Lahey.
She spoke only Gaelic until she was nine.
There is no higher honor
than to be the O'Malley's Whiskey Queen.
Anyhoo, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day,
and I'm gonna be at that float
partying my frickin' Blarney Stones off!
Enough! Stop!
Ms. Dunbrowski,
I simply need an answer,
guilty or not guilty.
Unless getting drunk
and taking a Segway for a joyride
through Millennium Park
and crashing into the Bean is a crime
It's five crimes.
I'm ordering you
to wear a sobriety bracelet.
You will need to blow into it
whenever prompted.
Failure to do so will lead
to your arrest and jail time.
You will wear it for one month.
A month?
Okay, like I said,
tomorrow's obviously out.
Then we got baseball season, summer
It starts now.
No!
No!
What's wrong?
I'm still pissed about
not being able to go the parade!
Here, swallow this key.
No. I never passed the last one!
It is time
for your court-ordered sobriety test.
Blow into the tube.
Stupid thing bossing me around!
Well, you can still go down
to the parade and just not drink.
Oh, yeah, and I can just fly down there
using the tiny wings on my back.
Come on, man! It's impossible
to stay sober at that parade!
But if you drink, you go to jail.
I know, so I'm benching myself.
Gonna just eat these boxes of Entenmann's
and have a little me time
with Hill Street Blues.
At least you don't have to work today.
I have to go
pass out samples with Feather.
God, he is such an amazing combination
of boring and annoying.
Yeah. He is kind of like your dad.
I didn't say that.
Hey, before you go,
could you grab me a beer?
You can't drink.
Damn it! Narc!
Oh, hm!
We got to switch back to skim.
This 2% is too sweet.
Dr. Perillo said
I need to up my dairy fats
until my ovulation gets back on sync.
Speaking of which,
today's the day.
Positive sign, come on down!
You're the next contestant on
- Stop. Stop it.
- Sorry.
Shoot. I must have been
ovulating on Thursday,
when I was at Rachel's
Scents & Snacks party.
I felt my body temp rise,
but Rachel said it was just
the Cinnamon Storm candle. Idiot.
I'm so sorry, Bonbon.
So, does this mean I'm going to go meet up
with my online golf buddies at the parade?
Duh. I won't need you
for another month now.
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm just annoyed.
Oh, yeah? Well, does this hat
make you less annoyed?
Nope, quite the opposite.
Okay.
Well, if you need me,
I'll be with the "Double Bogies."
I think you're gonna have
to frisk me, Lieutenant Buntz.
I've been a bad
We've got a spooky one tonight.
What? No!
Someone taped Svengoolie
over my spank tape.
Eh.
- What?
- Diane! It's Hank Buckley.
Handsome Hank?
Diane, I'm having
a bit of an emergency here.
We just found out Molly Lahey is having
a gout flare-up and can't even stand.
I was actually hoping that,
uh, you could take her place?
No one would be better
at keeping the party alive
and slamming back those shots, right?
Me? The O'Malley's Whiskey Float Queen?
- Blow into the tube.
- What was that?
My court brace
I mean, my neighbor!
Courtney Bracelet!
So, what do you say, Diane?
It's what you always wanted.
Repeat.
Blow into the tube.
You can count on me, Hank!
See ya in a few,
ya friggin' hunk of corned beef.
Activated charcoal recovery bar!
They're nutritious and delicious!
Hey, Feather. How's it going?
- Great! Gah!
- These suck!
That hasn't happened too much.
I will say, though,
this crowd isn't for me.
A lot of cultural misappropriation
going on
Free whiskey!
Um, I think everyone's just having fun.
You know what's fun, Daniel?
Good nutrition!
Whoa! This dude pissed himself.
Joke's on you, sir.
My hemp underwear
will be dry in a matter of hours.
Tin, you're my only sober friend.
I'm desperate and I need you right now.
Girl, I've been waiting for this day.
I've watched you hover
around rock bottom for years.
I've talked about you in meetings.
I am here for you.
Great! I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer
so I can get lit and be
the O'Malley's Whiskey Queen.
God, grant me the serenity
not to smack my friend
upside the head right now.
Tina! I am not being overly dramatic
when I say this will literally
complete me as a person.
Diane, that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
And I used to date a magician.
Gideon
Uh-huh. No, no, no.
I don't want any part
of your childish games.
Childish!
That's it!
I can ask my child, Mikey!
Thanks, Gideon!
Don't thank me.
It assumes complicity.
Oh, my dreams ♪
Never quite as it seems, never quite ♪
Mark!
This is so much fun!
Activated charcoal bar?
You can barely taste the charcoal.
Terry? Holy shit, it is you!
Oh, no. His name's Feather.
Feather?
No, this is Terry Dookindarf.
This guy was a beast.
The Lion of LaSalle Street.
I'm not the Lion anymore.
Terry could out-party anyone
at the Board of Trade.
I've seen him take down three eight balls
by himself in one night.
- I don't play pool. Is that good?
- What's with the hair?
No, please!
You wear a wig?
Oh, wow! Sorry, man!
We're heading to McDougal's,
you should come with.
No, I-I can't. We're working.
This charcoal tastes like ass!
Oh, okay we'll see you later, Terry.
Uh, you mean "Feather."
I know, right?
Goddammit! I'm a fraud, Daniel!
Hey, man, forget those guys.
We all have a past.
I used to tell people I was straight.
Well, I used to know how to have fun.
Now look at me.
Passing out blocks of charcoal
at a liquor parade.
Feather, you can still have fun
and be true to the person you are now.
You know what? You're right!
Freak these crummy bars.
They do taste like ass.
Let's take a shot.
Oh. Okay. Cool.
Ow!
Terry loves his whiskey.
You want to grab a beer? My treat.
Okay, where should we go?
I know a place.
Holy shamrock.
Now I know how the Egyptians felt
when they discovered the pyramids.
Hi, you must be Diane.
So, the float's about to start rolling.
We got a porta-potty on board,
but no number twos.
Here's the ceremonial glass
you'll do the first shot out of.
Great!
Just waiting on my plus-size one.
I mean, my plus-one.
Ma? Ma!
Mikey, thank God! My sober blower.
I got you, Ma.
Oh, that reeks!
Have you been drinking today?
No! Oh, wait!
I'm probably still drunk from last night!
All right, now who's ready
to get this O'Malley's Float started?
Blow into the tube.
There she is! This year's Queen.
I can't wait to see
what's under that dress later on.
Ew! Back off, rat man!
Diane, i-it's me. Hank Buckley.
Hunky Hank?
Oh my God!
What happened to your face and body?
Was there an accident?
No accident.
I did finally get
that pesky back brace off.
- Thanks for noticing.
- Yeah
We got ten city blocks of partying
ahead of us and then you're coronated.
If all goes well,
maybe I'll tell Molly Lahey
we have a new permanent Queen in town.
Holy crap, I can't believe
that's Hunky Hank.
I must've had major beer blinders on
during our make-out seshes.
I don't wanna hear about that, Ma.
Ladies and gentlemen,
raise your glasses and let's get started.
Mikey, quick.
Go make a big distraction.
Get their eyes off me.
Ten-four, Ma.
Please forgive me, Lord.
LeBron James is the greatest
basketball player of all time!
It's MJ!
Jordan's the best!
Please, go, go, go!
Get him!
Hey! Let's frickin' party!
It's so funny, Feather.
I can't imagine you hanging out here.
Are you kidding me?
I used to own this place.
Cindy!
- It's Rachel.
- Rachel!
Four shots of Jameson, two Jägers,
and four Irish car bombs.
That's a lot.
Correction. That's a start.
Woo-hoo!
Terry's having fun now!
Hey! Skinny Joe still hang around here?
Yeah, you know where to find him.
I'll be honest.
I was kind of bummed
to have to work today,
but this is awesome!
Yeah Uh, what?
Uh, I'm gonna go do a bump.
I mean, I gotta pee.
Okay, more for me.
I don't know why
you aren't picking up, Mark,
but the test was positive.
We have a very short window to have S-E-X.
I'm coming to you.
I'm the same way.
When I need it, I need it, you know?
Can you turn on the radio, please?
- All right!
- Happy St. Patrick's Day!
- Keep them coming!
- Shot!
- Do a shot with us, Queen!
- Stop fucking enabling me!
I mean, not quite yet, sweetie.
Gotta pace myself, ya know?
Everything okay, Diane?
I'm a little light-headed
from all the drinks
I've definitely been drinking.
Here. Let's get some food in you.
Oh my God! I fricking love Irish nachos.
Ugh!
The corned beef has gone bad!
Do not eat the nachos!
- I was eating those!
- My church pants!
These are delicious.
What's wrong with you?
I-I don't know.
For some reason,
they just taste very different.
Uh
Hey, let's pump up the tunes!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Let's rock!
Come on, everybody!
Find that groove!
You first!
You suck!
Yeah, I'm gonna run
to the little lasses' room real quick.
Blow into the tube.
Diane, I already told you.
I ain't covering your drunk ass.
I'm not drunk!
- I'm sober!
- Keep talking.
Food tastes weird, Hank's a mole man.
My dancing is stiffer than Zuzana's perm.
And cigarettes are gross!
Your body is adjusting
to life without alcohol
and your senses are sharpening.
It's 11:00 a.m., by the way,
so not drinking shouldn't
be that big of a deal.
Just tell me
how to get through this sober.
Okay. Tell me where you are right now.
I'm in a porta-potty on a float
holding in a deuce,
sucking on a CBD gummy.
Normally we'd call that
"hitting rock bottom."
But with you, I'm not so sure.
And the ironical thing is
it was the best sex I ever had.
So now, I actually prefer a micropenis.
Stop the cab!
Your stories are too personal.
Mark! Thank God. I'm ovulati
Huh? Hey, pretty lady.
Damn it.
Uh?
Ugh! Damn it!
He's rhyming!
When I was a wee lad of eight,
my ma gave me a drink which was great.
I asked, "What is in this?"
She said, "It is Guinness."
And that sip is what sealed my fate.
Oh! I love this guy. I'm hammered.
If we run out of liquor,
we know whose stomach to pump for more.
Yeah! Let's get another rhyme going
for my little leprechaun here.
The feck did you just call me?
Oh, no.
I know you're not literally a leprechaun,
but you gotta admit.
The outfit, the little jig dancing.
The limericks.
I want to, like, hire you for parties.
Who are you? I'm literally obsessed.
Name's Jim McDougal.
And you're in my feckin' bar
and nobody, and I mean nobody,
calls me a fecking leprechaun.
Oh, boy.
Tina. What do I do?
Just get out of there.
Diane, it's crowning time.
No, I'm just going number one. I swear!
I mean out here. Come on!
"Absotutely". Just gotta uh, wipe good.
Tina, if I don't go out there
and do a shot in front of these people,
then I'm not the queen.
Real queens own their shit.
And as long as you're authentic,
people won't care
if you're drinking or not.
It's the bravest thing you can do
and you have never
not been your authentic self.
So, go out there and show everyone
what my sober boss bitch can throw down.
Tina, you're my fricking homegirl.
Don't say "homegirl." Just say girl.
Copy that.
And this isn't a feckin' costume.
These clothes were handed down to me
from my da and his da before him.
Daniel. I-I need 20 bucks
and a key with a good groove in it.
Terry feckin' Dookindarf!
Now, you got some nerve
showing your face around here
after all these years.
You've got eight grand on your bar tab,
and today, you are fecking paying it.
- We should probably go.
- Daniel, stay calm. I got this.
Fuck you, you short little shit!
You got receipts?
If not, you can suck my big fucking dick!
Maybe we settle this the old way.
Oh, I've been waiting to beat your ass
for years, you tiny bitch.
Not tiny, normal size.
I'm not fighting you, me son is.
Seamus? He's 13.
I'll kick his fucking ass.
Seamus!
Ooh!
Yeah!
Oh, shit! He's, like, 21 now.
I forgot about the passage of time.
So, without further ado,
let us raise a glass and crown this year's
O'Malley's Whiskey Queen.
Big smile, big sip.
Then the crown is yours.
Ugh.
Whoo!
How's everybody doing?
Yeah! Everyone raise their glass
and share a toast to O'Malley's,
which I will not be drinking today.
- Say what?
- Are you serious?
Don't get me wrong,
I want you all to drink,
but I'm actually sober.
It's not normally who I am.
But today, it actually is who I am.
And I'm okay with that because I am enough
and I don't need alcohol
to be the Whiskey Queen.
Am I right?
You're not right at all.
You suck, lady.
Hey! Whoa! Jeez!
Her not drinking
makes me feel bad about myself!
Oh, no!
For the love
They said no number twos in here!
- Tina!
- Hey, how'd it go?
- Well, I was honest.
- Good.
And they threw me off the float.
But you did it.
You should feel good about that.
Well, I don't.
Stop throwing things at me,
you drunk fools!
Turns out, me being sober
is no use to anyone.
At this point,
I might as well just go get drunk.
Hey, watch it!
Diane, remember,
if you drink, you'll go to jail.
Aah!
Di Diane? Hello? Diane?
Goddammit.
What is wrong with you people?!
Ugh!
Get outta my way!
Goddamn!
Ugh!
Watch it! Ah!
Bonnie?!
Over here!
Need to find Mark.
We gotta fuck.
My God!
Literally every person in the city
is drunk except me!
This is a nightmare!
Sorry. Happy Irish.
Aah!
Free whiskey!
Blow into the tube.
Free whiskey!
Fuck off, Mr. Roboto.
Are you sure about this, Feather?
That guy looks terrifying.
What? Him? Those are glamour muscles.
And that's glamour steel.
Okay, I'm gonna hit the head again.
You hold these, and don't let
that Irish pussy go anywhere.
It's go time. Where is he?
Bathroom. Should be back in a few
Hm.
Oh, no.
Feckin' coward. Looks like you're up, lad.
Wait. What?
New fighter!
New fighter!
New fighter! New fighter!
Okay, if you don't want me to drink,
show me a sign.
New fighter!
New fighter! New fighter!
What the? Ugh!
Place your bets!
The lad's going off of ten grand to one.
Please. I can't do this.
I've never been in a fight,
unless you count stage combat class.
And I got a C!
You shoulda thought about that
before you ran your mouth
and called me the L word.
I didn't call you a lesbian!
Leprechaun!
Oh. See, L word usually implies lesbian.
There was a whole show
Doesn't matter. Please stop.
You're dead, boy-o.
Stop the fight!
Move it, move it!
Aunt Diane? Help me! I'm drunk.
Who the feck are you?
I'm his aunt,
and I'm shuttin' this shit down.
Take those gloves off, kiddo.
- I can't, they taped me into them!
- The gloves stay on.
Bets are laid.
The boy will fight until the debt is paid.
Stop, it wasn't a purposeful rhyme.
I don't speak in limerick all the time.
Okay, I heard that one.
The rhyming is now done.
Not done, over. It's over.
God, every fecking
Wait!
What is that? It reeks like gas in here.
She's trying to stop the fight.
- She's lying.
- The hell I am!
You can't smell it 'cause you're drunk!
It's St. Patrick's Day. Everyone is drunk!
I'm not!
And I'm telling you,
we need to get out of here.
She's right, the needle's in the red!
Everybody run!
Come on, everybody out, quick!
The place is gonna blow up!
How are you holding up, bud?
Ugh. I'm hungry,
but I also have to throw up.
Yeah, isn't that the best?
Tina!
Oh, no! I'm too late!
No. This isn't my puke. I didn't drink.
Everything worked out.
Holy shit!
Oh! There's a second floor!
Tina, believe it or not,
I saved these people because I was sober.
I'm really proud of you, Diane.
I couldn't have done it without you, Tin.
And when this bracelet comes off,
- I'm gonna toast one in your honor.
- I'm sorry, what?
Obviously, I'm gonna
go back on the sizzauce,
but now I know I can quit when I want to.
Thanks to you.
Now how about a ride home?
This is your own fault, Tina.
You did this to yourself.
Come on, get in.
Yes, Mark! Yes, Mark!
Yes, Mark! Yes, Mark!
I can't believe
my craziest St. Patrick's Day of all time
was the one I didn't drink at.
Later on,
Daniel and Feather figured it out.
Feather realized he was better off
leaving his past in the past
and he gave Daniel
two extra days off a month
in exchange for his silence.
As for me,
thanks to a little help from Tina,
I learned that I am capable
of having control.
I might have blown my only chance
at being the Whiskey Queen,
but not all queens wear crowns.
Some of them wear bracelets.
Stop! Please stop.
I don't know any of those people
and I don't care.
I called you back today
to remove your bracelet.
What? That month flew by!
It's been four days,
but due to your heroic actions
at McDougal's Pub,
I'm commuting your sentence
to time served. Bailiff!
Hell yeah!
Take it outside!
Come on!
Next case, City of Chicago
vs. Mark and Bonnie Whiddington
on the charges of public intoxication
and committing a lewd, sexual act.
Oh my God! Busted!
- Hey, nude and lewd! You want a beer?
- Get out!