Claws (2017) s02e02 Episode Script
Cracker Casserole
1 Previously on "Claws" She's here.
Hello, lovely family.
Try to help Stay in your lane! We're not in Georgia anymore.
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [GASPS.]
Hello, ladies.
Riva was toxic.
Hey! Is this Is this happening right now?! Where did you get that? We will have wedding now.
Hey, wait.
We got to talk about this.
I can't marry my boy.
[GUN COCKS.]
That is what control looks like.
That looks like chaos to me.
Jennifer's house belongs to you now.
I will let you tell her.
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I can't do that.
[CHAKA KHAN'S "I'M EVERY WOMAN" PLAYS.]
I'm every woman It's all in me Anything you want done, baby I'll do it naturally Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa Mac and cheese is $3.
99 a box? Are they out of their minds? Momma, no.
You cannot mix that shit with tuna for my kids every night and call it a meal.
Well, not at these prices.
Did you get my text? Oh, stop freaking.
I'm here to give you a hand and help you get your marriage back on track.
Okay.
And when I go to my Million Moms meeting, I promise I will not leave my grandbabies in the car if it's over 100 degrees.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, hey, babe.
Hey.
Whatcha doing? Um I need to talk to you for a second.
Danita.
Oh, my God! How are you, Ms.
Thang?! My mom's here.
[SIGHS.]
It's Desna, Brenda.
I've only told you that like 8 million times.
Oh, right.
Desna.
How would I forget that? Look at that jumpsuit and those cute nails.
I'm coming in and getting mine done just like that.
Oh, you want some fried bologna? She I'm good.
She doesn't.
Alright, what's going on? You don't usually do drive-bys unless the shit hits the fan, and, ooh, it feels a little early for turds to be blowing around.
Actually, it's not.
It's about this house.
We need to talk.
Don't tell me that Bryce wants this house 'cause it's Dixie Mafia booty.
Everything is someone else's booty.
Hey, Momma, don't you think Judge Jeanine's on? I do.
Oh, my God.
There you go.
Yeah.
It's not Bryce.
It's Zlata.
Well, she don't own this house.
Well, technically, she does 'cause she took over all Uncle Daddy's assets.
Ohhh, that bitch.
Well, what would she want with this house, anyway? Essentially, I am her lieutenant now.
Oh, no, ma'am, ma'am.
Ma'am.
She wants to give you my house.
She thinks I should live like a boss.
But you already got a gold necklace that says "Boss" on it.
- Jenn - Des! My kids FYI, your godchildren are finally in a good school district.
- I know.
- They give them art supplies, they don't treat ketchup like a vegetable I know.
Well, so, just tell her this ain't gonna work.
I saw her shoot her sister in the face.
I'm not telling that woman jack.
Well, then, I'll tell her.
You know what she's trying to do.
She's trying to pit us against each other.
I don't know what she's trying to do, but I know that Dean and my black ass is coming up in this house.
And we gon' live like some boogie-down Brady Bunch? - I guess.
- [LAUGHS.]
It's either that or get got.
O[TRILLS.]
? O[TRILLS.]
.
[BOTH TRILL, SNAP.]
[WHISPERING.]
I'm out.
Tell you something, boys, I don't know how much longer I can deal with being broke.
Ruval needs to re-assess this whole situation.
Two weeks with that broad? That's an eternity.
I mean, in 24 hours, she, what she murdered her sister and made my baby boy here marry a commie.
Well, maybe we can put some pressure on them you know, speed it up.
Oh, Haitians don't feel pressure.
Them Russkies took everything we got.
We got to do something.
Look, I hear you, Uncle Daddy, but we got to be smart about this.
Zlata got armed guards.
Plus, little Olga told me she got people all the way up in the Gremlin.
It's the Kremlin, genius.
Potato, tomato.
You got to listen up.
We got to be smart before she take us down.
Yeah, she can't take us down much lower than this.
We're driving a station wagon like a bunch of Indigo Girls.
Well, hey, what if we get some, uh, some intel on her? You know, figure out what makes her tick.
Intel? I ain't looking to spy.
I want to get some automatics and blow her freaking head off.
No, no, Uncle Daddy, look, w-we do a little recon, plant a bug, hand it over to Chip or shit, Ruval then we can get out of this mess.
Yeah? How we finna do that? You finna work.
You ain't up in the big house for nothing! Huh? Up top, Uncle Daddy.
I'll get you in the car.
POLLY: So, I've been doing my research, and you gentlemen need dancer names that will make women wet.
Brad and Jeff? I'm simply not moist.
They should highlight your skills, you know? Brad, since you can grind like nobody's business, I should like to name you after my great-uncle's first film.
Sweetback! Wait, Melvin Van Peebles is your uncle? Once removed.
And, Jeff, on account of that anaconda, I should like to call you Double XL.
Hey, holla! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Don't let it go to your head.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Wake up! [SIGHS.]
Everything okay? Yeah, just not in the mood for dancer diaries.
That's all.
So, um you tell Desna about that bun baking in your microwave? Shh.
Nah, I haven't told her yet.
Why do we have to tell Desna everything? She ain't Mother Teresa.
I mean, don't you get tired of her controlling our every move? Yeah.
I mean, she's the reason Arlene and I ain't together anymore, but Dean is her brother.
It's bound to get out.
I'd rather slit my wrists than tell Desna her brother got me pregnant.
Well, Desna warned you about falling on Dean's dick.
You got to tell her.
Trust me on that.
First, you cheat on the father of one of your babies, and now you're letting Dashica and Davante take your house? Momma! God! Keep that shit to yourself.
I asked you to come here so that you could be supportive.
Well, I am supporting you, but this ain't right.
Who is this commie skank, anyway? Hey! You are a Husser.
You don't take orders from the KGB.
GIRL: Nanna! Oh, my goodness, sugarplums! Oh, my goodness! Ooh! Go on and run upstairs and wait on Meemaw.
"Nanna.
" Daddy loves y'all.
Hey.
Brenda.
Bryce-y boo.
Look, I need you to come home and save your wife.
A little extracurricular banging never hurt a marriage.
Just ask my three husbands.
I said I was so sorry.
Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you slept with the rabbi at the plaza.
Wait, a rabbi? You slept with a Jew? That's not the point.
Baby, I just feel like maybe we could go to counseling or we could even talk to a priest.
That's a good idea.
God can help.
- Momma.
- Yeah.
Can he help me forget the rimjob you gave Hank? What are you talking about? Zlata showed me a video.
No, she didn't.
He cries when he comes.
[SIGHS.]
I guess she did.
Yes, she did.
L Baby, listen.
It was a while ago.
And I don't know how many more times I can say I'm sorry.
Yeah, you know what? You are sorry! You're a sorry piece of shit! Every time you wonder why your life went to hell, why don't you look in the mirror? You did this, Jennifer.
You.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
So, um, it's a little slow midweek, until the pillbillies get their government checks.
I think your guards are scaring away the foot traffic.
They cause more pain.
That's good.
Really good.
[KEYPAD BEEPS.]
[BEEPING.]
- Kenneth.
- I'm sorry.
- [BEEPING.]
- I got it.
I got it.
[KEYPAD BEEPS.]
We work with the, uh, best pharmaceutical sales reps.
I mean, no one beats the deals we get, right? Yes.
Uh, that's my office.
I just had it saged and, uh, I got crystals.
Got some Buddhas.
T-That skeleton is it's from, uh We need privacy.
[WHISPERING.]
Go.
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Is, um, everything okay, Zlata? In two weeks, we open new clinic.
In five months, four more.
We need to keep up foot traffic ASPA.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, we will hit our target numbers.
I can promise you that.
Did you know that black women are largest-growing entrepreneurs in the country? No, I didn't.
But they don't get the loans white men do.
DO you know why? Because men sleep on women.
They count us out.
But I don't count us out.
I see how you inspire your girls.
I see how you care for your brother, and you get stuff done.
You are a GOAT, Desna.
You get our numbers up.
I'm a GOAT.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
News flash.
Zlata is putting pressure on us to get the traffic up down at the clinic.
Or what? She'll put a cap in our ass? I love it when what you say and how you look don't go together.
Well, I'm not putting on that pill costume again.
That thing gave me vertigo.
Yeah, that Lycra suit I had to wear broke out my coochie.
[LAUGHS.]
Pol, you are crazy.
- It did! - Unh-unh.
What's really crazy is this Russian renegade we got running around.
Not only does she give you my house, she showed Bryce a video of me giving Hank a rimjob.
- You lying.
- I would not lie.
Y'all, she is the definition of a classic psychopath.
She displays an inherent lack of empathy, extreme narcissism, and no evidence of actual human emotion.
- We are in trouble, y'all.
- I'm with Polly.
Not only is she trying to pit us against each other, babe, she's trying to destroy my marriage.
DESNA: What she's trying to do is strip the Hussers of all their dignity.
What I'm trying to do is get us on the other side of this before she ruins everything we worked for.
Oh, yeah, God forbid she wreck this field of dreams.
- Oh! Pfft! - [LAUGHTER.]
Well, we are in the weeds now, so ideas go.
Uh Hire a marketing person and put up billboards.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
That stuff never works.
Shanghai, cat got your tongue? - [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Come on.
Ideas.
I'm pregnant.
- What did you say? - With Dean's baby.
[GASPS.]
Run.
Run! 'Round, 'round, get around, I get around Yeah, get around, 'round, 'round, I get around I'm getting bugged drivin' up and down this same old strip I gotta find a new place where the kids are hip I get around Get around, 'round, 'round, I get around I cannot believe your mixed ass wasn't on the pill! Listen, I was, but it made my feet swell and I couldn't put my heels on! Then why didn't you jimmy up, Virginia? They ran out of Magnums! So y'all was riding bareback? You could've gave my brother anything! Herpes or AIDS or I promise you, I am clean.
Bitch, you was giving happy endings behind the Steak 'n Shake! Your little ass is a lot of things, but clean ain't one of them.
I cannot believe you did this to Dean.
I'm sorry! I can't believe you let him do this to you! Listen, we we are going to take care of it, okay? We found a really nice abortion clinic in Sarasota.
- What?! - It's no big deal.
Yes, it is! Virginia, do you know what this is gon' do to Dean? He is the one that made the appointment! I don't give a damn, Virginia! I asked your ass to do one thing, and that was to stay away from my brother.
You couldn't even do that.
I love him, Des.
Shit.
We just made a mistake! Hey.
Um You know, you don't have to take everything to Jenn's house.
Virginia already told me she told you.
Why didn't you tell me, Dean? Huh? Look at me! H-How could you keep something like this from me? We tell each other everything! Uh, n-no, we don't.
W-W-When are you gonna explain what's going on with the Russian people you work for? Oh, my God.
D Dean, it's not the Dean.
It is complicated, okay? But it is not the same thing as this.
Yes, it is! S-Secrets are secrets, Desna.
And you promised you were always gonna be honest.
I am! Okay, Dean, the Russians took over the salon and the clinic.
That's all.
Okay? I want to know that you know what you're doing on this.
We're not ready to have a kid.
Is it because of genetics, Dean? 'Cause you have autism? You'll pass it on? - Because it doesn't mean that.
- It's not about that! Okay, you know I got a good job now.
I'm making money, Dean.
I can help you We don't want it! I know, Dean, but I just want to make sure you thought this through.
I am not dumb! I didn't say that.
This is our decision, Desna! Y-You stay out of it! Dean Dean! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Damn it.
[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV.]
Teeth don't clean themselves Teeth don't clean themselves Here at Plaque Don't Crack, we make it our mission to get the blaaack off your stack! [TWINKLE!.]
Hey, girl.
Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
- Just tired, is all.
Was up all night with Momma, trying to get the house ready for Dean and Desna.
I can't stop thinking about what you said about Zlata.
Yeah, we got to keep an eye on that psychopath.
- Right.
- Don't you worry.
There's a silver lining to everything.
For example, the silver lining for me is that Desna's house is now free, and I might be able to pop one off in private.
And my silver lining is now that Dean's gonna be living there, we can bang in your pool all the time.
Ew! Sounds like fun.
Don't worry.
You'll find your silver lining, girl.
Um can y'all actually start Mrs.
Dobson's silk wrap? I'ma be there in like two minutes.
- Alright.
- Sure, girl.
Mm-hmm.
[MOANING.]
[RUSSIAN HIP-HOP PLAYS.]
[WHIMPERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
Ugh.
[SLURPS.]
So, uh, you want to play a video game? What do you got? "Assassin's Creed" or, uh What you know about "Assassin's Creed"? I know I'm about to whup your ass.
[SCOFFS.]
Huh? Yeah, okay.
[BABY CRIES.]
Shit.
He wants the tits.
I will be right back.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Okay.
I know it's a bold idea, but a commercial might be just what we need.
A commercial for illegal business? [LAUGHS.]
I don't like it, Desna.
Look, we advertise the pain-management part.
I mean, that's a legit pursuit.
Look, Russians are not like your people, Desna.
We disrupt quietly.
Oh! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't shoot.
Easy, now.
Look.
I'm just picking up a copy of the book.
- Audiobook for baby bo'.
- Shh.
You don't come into this office without invitation.
Clear? Crystal.
Look, we're family now, right? You know? Sit down.
And you, my friend, go and shoot your commercial.
Prove me wrong.
Are you sure? I don't micromanage.
But it better be good.
You know how I feel about failure.
[SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Looking good, guys.
Here you go, ma'am.
I mean, don't you ever wish you could press Rewind on life? Yeah so we can do it all over again.
That's not what I meant.
Ever since we hooked up, my life's gone to shit.
Well, God doesn't want us to be unhappy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Was that on a bumper sticker or something? [LAUGHS.]
I'm married.
Okay? I got to put my life back together.
My family means everything to me.
Okay? Well, at least dance with me.
Have you heard a word I said? Oh, we're just friends I get it, alright.
But remember that square dancing competition we were gonna enter? It's this Friday.
Come on.
It'll at least make you smile again.
- It won't.
- It will.
I might not be able to work on the Sabbath, but, uh, they can't stop me from dancing.
Huh? So, Roller, what job might be interesting for you? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Well, I've always been good with numbers.
Numbers? And Desna.
That's true.
She does have that effect on people.
Doesn't she? [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
I can fake it better, I can make it better to a guy Babylon, I'll lock it down and tighten up this route - Get inter - QUIET ANN: Here we are.
Okay.
Virginia, where's your protection? I'm good.
I got my flats on.
Alright.
Let's do this.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
My vag like a operatic ballad - Your vag like Grandpa's cabbage - Gird your loins! And my vag, effortless Your vag post ads on Craigslist It's time that we let the world know Bitch, your vag look like Janet Reno God sees everything! Yeah, can he see this? It's time that we let the world know You will burn in hell as your baby gets its wings! I was an unwanted baby, and it sucks! Go on, get married! Me and my sister got tossed around from family to family, and nobody wanted us! W-We lived on food stamps and and we were abused, and not one of you was around to help us! You only care about babies in the womb.
You don't care about them when they when they come out.
If you did, you'd be fighting to end human trafficking in Libya! And Sarasota! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Awkwafina's a genius And her vagina is 50 times better than a penis I can't do a commercial for an illegal clinic.
I'm a father now.
Okay, I may have made it sound like a request, but it's not, Kenneth.
It's an order.
You're doing the commercial.
- I'm not - So cut down on the fried foods, 'cause HD sees right into your pores.
It's true.
But that's not possible! I use a serum! Um, hey, Des? I was wondering, um, could Marnie and I move into your house now that you're moving on up? Of course you can.
You know I don't care about that.
- Oh, thank you! - Yeah.
I just want to get back down to the salon so we can pitch some of these commercial ideas with the girls.
Yeah, but it's just gonna be you and me and Jenn.
Why? Well, Quiet Ann and Virginia are at the thing.
The thing? That was today? Well, how come nobody said nothing? And they let Quiet Ann go and not me? I don't know, Desna.
She's quiet and you're judgy-judgy.
Wow.
I mean, you're super pretty, though.
- Wow.
- You are.
And, girl, you got a body-oddy-oddy to die for! Thanks for standing with me today.
Oh, yeah.
Women Women have the right to choose.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're right.
I-I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna go across the street and get pencils from the art store.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Okay.
Be careful.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm good.
[SIGHS SHAKILY.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
This is just hard.
[SNIFFLES.]
Um What are they saying about me at the salon? This bitch is having an abortion.
Girl, she'll be fine.
I had two.
I didn't think twice about it.
At least she can get one.
Back in Texas, they were illegal.
I had to go to that nice lady in the deli for mine.
Oh, my Lord.
You are all going to hell.
Where's my dad going? He raped my babysitter.
Thank God she could have one.
Polly, you never told us that.
You never asked.
Look, I think women should have the right to choose, but some need to choose a condom.
I shouldn't have to pay for it.
You're not paying for anything.
[SCOFFS.]
My tax dollars are.
That's some alt-right bullshit.
Well, at least these women can have kids.
It's about a woman's right to choose what she wants to do with her own body.
Yeah, I got pregnant when I was real young, and I didn't want to have a kid, but my parents were against abortion, and they made me.
And I got attached to that kid.
Sofia.
And one day I got home, and Sofia was sent to California to live with some church friends.
I never saw her again.
Ann, I'm I'm so sorry.
People got your back, girl.
Thanks.
I needed to hear that.
What if it's, like, the next Obama? Or, like, that guy that's always dreaming? Martin Luther King? Yeah.
Girl it's not.
You're fine.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.
It's no Obama in there? [BOTH LAUGH.]
DESNA: Okay, so, this is saying that the director is the one who yells out the orders and everybody else does the work.
Well, that should be you, boo.
Boom.
Okay.
The producer is the one who hires everybody for the shoot, but don't get no credit for it.
Well, that should definitely be me.
Because when I was in jail, I taught Lorraine in the prison cafeteria how to make my family's famous baked ziti, but when people started complimenting her, I didn't get any credit at all.
Don't you hate that? We women should be lifting each other up instead of knocking each other off the monkey bars.
Why it gotta be monkey bars, Brenda? Oh, goodness.
Everything offends you people.
"You people"? Really? You see, that's what I'm talking about.
- Okay, alright, alright, y'all! - Why you got to say "you people"? Y'all, y'all! Let's leave the racism to the hipsters.
Come on, now.
This is gonna be fun.
Dean can do the art department.
Ooh! Quiet Ann can be the cinematographer.
And oh, Brenda, do you still sew? I won best stitching at the Eagle Forum Convention.
Will you make the costumes? I would love to.
Yeeeees! You are gonna die when you see the dress I made Jennifer for tomorrow night.
DESNA: Whoa! Hey! Do-si-do your partner! Yee haw.
You just gon' let the Confederate flags fly, huh? Shit.
I thought it was British.
Mm.
You look amazing, Jennifer.
Thank you, Momma.
When Bryce sees you at the soiree, he is gonna fill up your whole dance card.
I'm actually going with Hank.
Jennifer! Bryce is a a white knight in Levi's.
He raised a baby who wasn't even his.
I know.
I'm just going with Hank so I can avoid a breakdown.
Okay, well, I'm gonna help you.
You know what I'm gonna do? I am going home and I'm gonna make my cracker casserole so that you can cook your way into his heart.
Momma, thank you! - Don't mess up.
- Okay.
- Back to the film! - Please.
So, Jenn, what do you want to do? Want to be a gaffer? A gaffer? No, no, I took creative writing in community college, so I feel that I could write this commercial.
Jennifer Roylance Husser, you know damn well you didn't go to college.
Fine! How hard can writing a commercial be? It's just words, and I know words.
- Just put it down.
- Great.
Jenn scribe.
Excuse me.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm good.
I-I-I-I lied about getting pencils.
Uh, a-a-and I got you this instead.
[LAUGHS.]
Dean, thank you.
I love these.
I-I hope you love them as much as I love you.
You changed my life, Virginia.
And And I-I want to spend the rest of my years with you.
Uh, Dean, d-does your sister know about this? Yeah.
Yeah.
I talked to her about this a while ago.
She gave me her blessing.
So, what do you say, Virginia? Will you marry me? We're getting married, everybody! [CROWD CHEERS.]
God is good! He heard our prayers.
We still D&C'd that shit, bitch! Okay, so, should I have Dr.
Ken standing here, or, like, right in here? Uh, we can still replace him and have somebody else do it.
Stop it.
This is good right here.
Hey, so, I was thinking a soft, dewy look and a natural lip.
You take it easy, hear? We don't need you passing out and shit.
I'm good, Des.
Listen, I know I was hard on you the other day, right? But when I see you going down the wrong path, Virginia, I just want to slap you back on.
My brother has a lot of potential.
But so do you.
Thank you.
No one's ever looked out for me like this.
Um I've got good news.
Dean proposed.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You stupid bitch! - QUIET ANN: Whoa! Why would you have an abortion and then get married?! What kind of ghetto shit is that?! Just s-stop it! S-Stop it! What are you Stop! Dean, why didn't you tell me you were getting married? I-I did! I told you a couple of months ago.
Y-You said it was okay.
I had a gun to my head! But you said you said it was okay, Desna.
V-Virginia's Virginia's my life.
Don't you want me to be happy? I'm happy.
Little girl, do not hurt him.
Do you understand me? - I won't.
- S-She won't hurt me.
She won't hurt me.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Dean.
Yeah, Des.
It's time for you to man up, baby.
- You hear me? - Yeah.
- Time to be a man.
Okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Desna? - What?! - We got to move.
"The Bachelor" is on tonight, and unless you're paying overtime - Okay.
Where's Polly? - I don't know.
Des, I don't know, but listen.
What do you think is the better catchphrase "No pain, no gain" or "Stop the pain"? I-I don't know.
Polly? - Pol! - Polly? Yes, sir.
Right here.
Qu'est ce que c'est? Uh can you get Ken out his office? We need to do this.
Copy that.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Boris, I would like you to show our new family the ways of Georgia.
No.
Boris.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
Boris.
I realize that the two of you almost killed each other last month at the amusement park, but it's time to make up, put blood under the bridge, and move on.
Understand? Show him the lay of the land.
It's an order.
Take off clothes.
[CHUCKLES.]
We'll begin.
I ain't like my Uncle Daddy, playboy.
The camera adds 10 pounds.
In your case, maybe 20.
So you might want to suck in your gut.
Okay.
Thanks, Confetta.
I still can't tell which is your good side.
You might want to just look straight ahead.
Oh, and P.
S I forgot my nose hair trimmers, so good luck.
Come on! What the hell is taking so long?! I just I'm not feeling the script Jenn wrote.
Oh.
Yeah.
I probably should've written it myself 'cause I was a ghostwriter on "Thelma & Louise.
" But there's no emotion.
It doesn't like sound me, and honestly, it's just It's not fresh it's not fresh at all.
Alright, then just change it! I can't.
I can't change it.
Jennifer's gonna be like, "You completely changed my script, Dr.
Ken.
" I can't believe you're trying to rewrite the script.
I spent 25 minutes on it.
It didn't sound like me.
It's not supposed to sound like you! It's a character.
You know what? If I would've known that you were gonna rewrite my ass, then I would've spent my time practicing my square dancing moves and not trying to spin hay into gold.
You call this gold? "There's no 'I' in pain"? That doesn't even make sense.
- Absolutely! - There's an "I" in pain! And according to that YouTube video, notes are just part of the Hollywood process.
Polly, we're just a couple of blue-collar bitches in Palmetto trying to shoot a commercial on a jizz-stained porno camera.
I have made this a very professional set! Will you guys knock it off? Zlata already doesn't think we can pull this off.
Uh, who cares what the Antichrist thinks? Your ass should care what she thinks! Polly, put your hand down! Because if we don't do it, you're gonna be writing our obituaries.
How about that? Now, please, everybody, get in your places! Yes, places! I just said that, Poll! You are making me hot.
UNCLE DADDY: How you holding up, son? You missing Jenn? I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
Can't compare to how you feel about Aunty Momma.
Yeah, it's it's hard.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I was with that woman 32 years.
I ain't ever been with anything that long.
Shit.
I didn't have my hair on my head that long.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ROLLER SCREAMING.]
What the hell? He's being tortured! God damn it! They're torturing Roller! Save me Somebody save me Save me Somebody save me Hey! Hey! Hey! Save me Save, save, save, save, save, save me Save, save, save, save, save, save, save ROLLER: Ahhh! What the hell? [YELLING.]
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYS.]
Baby boy played us.
[YELLING.]
Okay, and sound.
- Um - Girl - Toby, what the hell? - My bad.
We ain't got all day.
Come on.
- Take 1.
- [CLACK.]
Do I have do I have drool? Action! Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation, we know pain.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Kenneth Brickman, and if you are a j Try it again.
Sorry.
- Action.
- Well, hello.
I didn't see you there.
This is Suncoast Rejuvenation, If you or a loved one have [SIGHS.]
Line? Hi, I'm Suncoast Rejuvenation, - and this is Dr - No.
- Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation - No.
Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation, we know pain.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Ken I'm so hot.
Can you throw me something to wipe? I'm so Here at Suncoast Gajuvenation It's not Gajuvenation! Desna.
[WHISPERING.]
He He's really bad.
And I'm Dr.
Renneth I'm [SIGHS.]
It's horrifying.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
And yet I can't look away.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation, we know pain.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Kenneth Brickman.
This is Suncoast Rejuvenation! And I'm Dr.
Kenneth Brickman! [FALSETTO.]
Hi, I'm Suncoast Rejuve DESNA: No! Cut! [PANTING.]
I'm out of breath.
Cut! - My zame is - Cut.
Cut.
No.
Cut! Cut.
No.
Cut.
Cut! Cut! Bahhhhh! That'll teach his ass to go off-book.
Zlata is gonna kill us, y'all.
Okay, can can I get some water? - Please! - Okay, some space.
- Please! - Space for the director! Here.
Well, I know you asked for water, but I thought I'd be proactive.
Pol.
Can you get your boy toys into hair and makeup? I got an idea.
[MARKY MARK & THE FUNKY BUNCH'S "GOOD VIBRATIONS" PLAYS.]
Ooh Yeah Can you feel it, baby? I can, too Stop the pain! One Two Three Now we come to the payoff It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation [RAPPING.]
Yo, it's about that time To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme I'ma get mine, so get yours I wanna see sweat comin' out your pores On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this Strictly hip-hop, boy, I ain't singin' this Bringin' this to the entire nation Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration Come on, come on Feel it, feel it Feel the vibration It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation Stop the pain! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Yes! We did it, y'all.
Th-Those dance moves are really impressive.
Y'all, calm down.
We haven't done anything yet, okay? Nobody is retweeting it.
This might be all bad.
Refresh the computer.
That's not how it works, Des.
Just hold on, Des.
These things take time.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, oh! Not too much time.
We just got retweeted.
- You lyin'.
- Nope.
We goin' viral, y'all just like my sex tape.
You lyin'! [CHEERING.]
Put 'em in! [ALL TRILLING.]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - Ah! Shit! - You little shit! You're supposed to be getting intel, God damn it! I did! Damn! Boris told me everything! They open up 10 clinics at the end of the year, and they get the coke - from the Colombians.
- Wait Colombians? What kind of Pablo Escobar bullshit is that? The Colombians bring the coke to Palmetto on fishing boats.
Oh, hell no.
Boy, hell no! We get nabbed by the Feds running drugs for the Colombians, we'll get our our salads tossed in South Bay for the rest of our lives, you understand? On the bright side of things, we don't got to use bugs.
I'm in the game now, baby.
Finna crush that whole operation.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Clay Husser? Don't you look like a hot cup of tea.
I know.
Look, I'm here to see my favorite son-in-law.
I brought gifts.
[BLAYRE MIC'S "LOVE BPM" PLAYS.]
B, B, B, B, B, B ZLATA: Desna, come in.
L-O-V-E B-P-M So, your bold idea worked.
I took a page out of your book, Zlata.
I found a dick and rode it like a boss.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes! Pussy power, girlfriend! I love! Ohhh! Whoo! God damn! You always could cook, Ms.
Brenda.
Well, people always forget about the recipes on the back of the Ritz cracker box, but I don't.
Mm-hmm.
Well, enough with the small talk.
I think you know why I'm here, Bryce-y boo.
We need to chat about my daughter.
She's a complicated butterfly.
[UP-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Dr.
Ken.
I need to come by and see you.
My back's hurtin' real bad, and it needs to be fixed.
Take my card.
"Stop the pain.
" Ooh, Kenneth! You got a fan.
[LAUGHTER.]
[WHISPERING.]
You ever gotten a handie in public? [WHIMPERS.]
Scooch your chair up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[ZIPPER OPENS.]
Can we get this white shit started? D.
Just one foot in front of the other, right? You got this, friend.
SQUARE DANCE CALLER: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this do-si-do going! Let's bring out the first group! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All join hands in a big ol' ring.
Circle around with your own dear thing.
Go, Jenn! Whoo! CALLER: Oh, my golly, oh, by Joe, take your partner by the left and do-si-do.
Partner left and corner right, then do-si-do with all your might.
Now promenade like it's your job.
[ECHOING.]
You fell on his dick like corn on the cob.
Now allemande left with the corner maid.
You screwed up your marriage just trying to get laid.
Why'd you go and shatter his world? He raised your other kid like his own little girl.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS.]
If temptation falls and you give a rimjob, say "Sorry" to your husband before you break down and sob.
What happened to "'Til death do us part"? You took a knife and stabbed his heart.
Look at you now, all alone.
Remember, Luther Vandross sang "A House is not a Home.
" You messed this up, poor little girl.
Now you'll have to use Tinder, like the rest of the world.
Shalom, y'all! [UP-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC RESUMES.]
Shit.
That Putin bitch has got to go.
He's right, Ruval.
We finna get twisted up in some Colombian shit.
Bryce! She ruined my businesses, she killed my wife.
I ain't taking this slowly! Clay, why do you think your people abandoned you? You need to stick to the plan.
I will take care of this.
JENNIFER: Bryce! Baby, it's me! Listen, we need to talk! I have so many things to say! [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
Come on, baby.
Hey.
What's happening? Where's my husband? Upstairs.
Not feeling too well.
Your mom's cooking's a little questionable.
Tell her to stick to the microwave.
Babe, I ju No way.
Uh, uh You filthy little skank.
[SLURRING.]
Oh, no.
I was just prepping him for you.
[THE RONETTES' "YOU CAME, YOU SAW, YOU CONQUERED!" PLAYS.]
My enemy was warm desire You shot me down with lips of fire I ran for cover straight into your arms Hey.
I was, um, just calling to see if I can make that dinner up to you.
I would love that.
What are you doing later? I'm doing you later if I'm lucky.
Ohh! Ohh! Shut up! [SCREAMING IN DISTANCE, GLASS SHATTERS.]
Let me call you when I get home.
Come on, y'all.
Oh, baby You came, you saw Oh, hell no! Hey! Get off! [WOMEN GASP.]
You came, you saw, you turned your loving right on in me Oh, oh, oh, oh You came, you saw, you conquered all the love in me Oh, baby You came, you saw, you turned your loving right on in me Oh, oh, oh, oh Whoa, whoa! Hey, get off! Get off! Get off! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Oh, oh, oh, oh I'm real sorry, y'all.
- I'm sorry y'all had to see that.
- No.
I mean, she's not always been the best momma, but, you know I just didn't think she would do something like that.
She made me this outfit, and she did my makeup.
[SOBS.]
Why would she do that? Why did she do that? Why would she do that? Why did she do that?! [SOBBING.]
Hello, lovely family.
Try to help Stay in your lane! We're not in Georgia anymore.
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [GASPS.]
Hello, ladies.
Riva was toxic.
Hey! Is this Is this happening right now?! Where did you get that? We will have wedding now.
Hey, wait.
We got to talk about this.
I can't marry my boy.
[GUN COCKS.]
That is what control looks like.
That looks like chaos to me.
Jennifer's house belongs to you now.
I will let you tell her.
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I can't do that.
[CHAKA KHAN'S "I'M EVERY WOMAN" PLAYS.]
I'm every woman It's all in me Anything you want done, baby I'll do it naturally Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa Mac and cheese is $3.
99 a box? Are they out of their minds? Momma, no.
You cannot mix that shit with tuna for my kids every night and call it a meal.
Well, not at these prices.
Did you get my text? Oh, stop freaking.
I'm here to give you a hand and help you get your marriage back on track.
Okay.
And when I go to my Million Moms meeting, I promise I will not leave my grandbabies in the car if it's over 100 degrees.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, hey, babe.
Hey.
Whatcha doing? Um I need to talk to you for a second.
Danita.
Oh, my God! How are you, Ms.
Thang?! My mom's here.
[SIGHS.]
It's Desna, Brenda.
I've only told you that like 8 million times.
Oh, right.
Desna.
How would I forget that? Look at that jumpsuit and those cute nails.
I'm coming in and getting mine done just like that.
Oh, you want some fried bologna? She I'm good.
She doesn't.
Alright, what's going on? You don't usually do drive-bys unless the shit hits the fan, and, ooh, it feels a little early for turds to be blowing around.
Actually, it's not.
It's about this house.
We need to talk.
Don't tell me that Bryce wants this house 'cause it's Dixie Mafia booty.
Everything is someone else's booty.
Hey, Momma, don't you think Judge Jeanine's on? I do.
Oh, my God.
There you go.
Yeah.
It's not Bryce.
It's Zlata.
Well, she don't own this house.
Well, technically, she does 'cause she took over all Uncle Daddy's assets.
Ohhh, that bitch.
Well, what would she want with this house, anyway? Essentially, I am her lieutenant now.
Oh, no, ma'am, ma'am.
Ma'am.
She wants to give you my house.
She thinks I should live like a boss.
But you already got a gold necklace that says "Boss" on it.
- Jenn - Des! My kids FYI, your godchildren are finally in a good school district.
- I know.
- They give them art supplies, they don't treat ketchup like a vegetable I know.
Well, so, just tell her this ain't gonna work.
I saw her shoot her sister in the face.
I'm not telling that woman jack.
Well, then, I'll tell her.
You know what she's trying to do.
She's trying to pit us against each other.
I don't know what she's trying to do, but I know that Dean and my black ass is coming up in this house.
And we gon' live like some boogie-down Brady Bunch? - I guess.
- [LAUGHS.]
It's either that or get got.
O[TRILLS.]
? O[TRILLS.]
.
[BOTH TRILL, SNAP.]
[WHISPERING.]
I'm out.
Tell you something, boys, I don't know how much longer I can deal with being broke.
Ruval needs to re-assess this whole situation.
Two weeks with that broad? That's an eternity.
I mean, in 24 hours, she, what she murdered her sister and made my baby boy here marry a commie.
Well, maybe we can put some pressure on them you know, speed it up.
Oh, Haitians don't feel pressure.
Them Russkies took everything we got.
We got to do something.
Look, I hear you, Uncle Daddy, but we got to be smart about this.
Zlata got armed guards.
Plus, little Olga told me she got people all the way up in the Gremlin.
It's the Kremlin, genius.
Potato, tomato.
You got to listen up.
We got to be smart before she take us down.
Yeah, she can't take us down much lower than this.
We're driving a station wagon like a bunch of Indigo Girls.
Well, hey, what if we get some, uh, some intel on her? You know, figure out what makes her tick.
Intel? I ain't looking to spy.
I want to get some automatics and blow her freaking head off.
No, no, Uncle Daddy, look, w-we do a little recon, plant a bug, hand it over to Chip or shit, Ruval then we can get out of this mess.
Yeah? How we finna do that? You finna work.
You ain't up in the big house for nothing! Huh? Up top, Uncle Daddy.
I'll get you in the car.
POLLY: So, I've been doing my research, and you gentlemen need dancer names that will make women wet.
Brad and Jeff? I'm simply not moist.
They should highlight your skills, you know? Brad, since you can grind like nobody's business, I should like to name you after my great-uncle's first film.
Sweetback! Wait, Melvin Van Peebles is your uncle? Once removed.
And, Jeff, on account of that anaconda, I should like to call you Double XL.
Hey, holla! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Don't let it go to your head.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Wake up! [SIGHS.]
Everything okay? Yeah, just not in the mood for dancer diaries.
That's all.
So, um you tell Desna about that bun baking in your microwave? Shh.
Nah, I haven't told her yet.
Why do we have to tell Desna everything? She ain't Mother Teresa.
I mean, don't you get tired of her controlling our every move? Yeah.
I mean, she's the reason Arlene and I ain't together anymore, but Dean is her brother.
It's bound to get out.
I'd rather slit my wrists than tell Desna her brother got me pregnant.
Well, Desna warned you about falling on Dean's dick.
You got to tell her.
Trust me on that.
First, you cheat on the father of one of your babies, and now you're letting Dashica and Davante take your house? Momma! God! Keep that shit to yourself.
I asked you to come here so that you could be supportive.
Well, I am supporting you, but this ain't right.
Who is this commie skank, anyway? Hey! You are a Husser.
You don't take orders from the KGB.
GIRL: Nanna! Oh, my goodness, sugarplums! Oh, my goodness! Ooh! Go on and run upstairs and wait on Meemaw.
"Nanna.
" Daddy loves y'all.
Hey.
Brenda.
Bryce-y boo.
Look, I need you to come home and save your wife.
A little extracurricular banging never hurt a marriage.
Just ask my three husbands.
I said I was so sorry.
Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you slept with the rabbi at the plaza.
Wait, a rabbi? You slept with a Jew? That's not the point.
Baby, I just feel like maybe we could go to counseling or we could even talk to a priest.
That's a good idea.
God can help.
- Momma.
- Yeah.
Can he help me forget the rimjob you gave Hank? What are you talking about? Zlata showed me a video.
No, she didn't.
He cries when he comes.
[SIGHS.]
I guess she did.
Yes, she did.
L Baby, listen.
It was a while ago.
And I don't know how many more times I can say I'm sorry.
Yeah, you know what? You are sorry! You're a sorry piece of shit! Every time you wonder why your life went to hell, why don't you look in the mirror? You did this, Jennifer.
You.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
So, um, it's a little slow midweek, until the pillbillies get their government checks.
I think your guards are scaring away the foot traffic.
They cause more pain.
That's good.
Really good.
[KEYPAD BEEPS.]
[BEEPING.]
- Kenneth.
- I'm sorry.
- [BEEPING.]
- I got it.
I got it.
[KEYPAD BEEPS.]
We work with the, uh, best pharmaceutical sales reps.
I mean, no one beats the deals we get, right? Yes.
Uh, that's my office.
I just had it saged and, uh, I got crystals.
Got some Buddhas.
T-That skeleton is it's from, uh We need privacy.
[WHISPERING.]
Go.
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Is, um, everything okay, Zlata? In two weeks, we open new clinic.
In five months, four more.
We need to keep up foot traffic ASPA.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, we will hit our target numbers.
I can promise you that.
Did you know that black women are largest-growing entrepreneurs in the country? No, I didn't.
But they don't get the loans white men do.
DO you know why? Because men sleep on women.
They count us out.
But I don't count us out.
I see how you inspire your girls.
I see how you care for your brother, and you get stuff done.
You are a GOAT, Desna.
You get our numbers up.
I'm a GOAT.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
News flash.
Zlata is putting pressure on us to get the traffic up down at the clinic.
Or what? She'll put a cap in our ass? I love it when what you say and how you look don't go together.
Well, I'm not putting on that pill costume again.
That thing gave me vertigo.
Yeah, that Lycra suit I had to wear broke out my coochie.
[LAUGHS.]
Pol, you are crazy.
- It did! - Unh-unh.
What's really crazy is this Russian renegade we got running around.
Not only does she give you my house, she showed Bryce a video of me giving Hank a rimjob.
- You lying.
- I would not lie.
Y'all, she is the definition of a classic psychopath.
She displays an inherent lack of empathy, extreme narcissism, and no evidence of actual human emotion.
- We are in trouble, y'all.
- I'm with Polly.
Not only is she trying to pit us against each other, babe, she's trying to destroy my marriage.
DESNA: What she's trying to do is strip the Hussers of all their dignity.
What I'm trying to do is get us on the other side of this before she ruins everything we worked for.
Oh, yeah, God forbid she wreck this field of dreams.
- Oh! Pfft! - [LAUGHTER.]
Well, we are in the weeds now, so ideas go.
Uh Hire a marketing person and put up billboards.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
That stuff never works.
Shanghai, cat got your tongue? - [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Come on.
Ideas.
I'm pregnant.
- What did you say? - With Dean's baby.
[GASPS.]
Run.
Run! 'Round, 'round, get around, I get around Yeah, get around, 'round, 'round, I get around I'm getting bugged drivin' up and down this same old strip I gotta find a new place where the kids are hip I get around Get around, 'round, 'round, I get around I cannot believe your mixed ass wasn't on the pill! Listen, I was, but it made my feet swell and I couldn't put my heels on! Then why didn't you jimmy up, Virginia? They ran out of Magnums! So y'all was riding bareback? You could've gave my brother anything! Herpes or AIDS or I promise you, I am clean.
Bitch, you was giving happy endings behind the Steak 'n Shake! Your little ass is a lot of things, but clean ain't one of them.
I cannot believe you did this to Dean.
I'm sorry! I can't believe you let him do this to you! Listen, we we are going to take care of it, okay? We found a really nice abortion clinic in Sarasota.
- What?! - It's no big deal.
Yes, it is! Virginia, do you know what this is gon' do to Dean? He is the one that made the appointment! I don't give a damn, Virginia! I asked your ass to do one thing, and that was to stay away from my brother.
You couldn't even do that.
I love him, Des.
Shit.
We just made a mistake! Hey.
Um You know, you don't have to take everything to Jenn's house.
Virginia already told me she told you.
Why didn't you tell me, Dean? Huh? Look at me! H-How could you keep something like this from me? We tell each other everything! Uh, n-no, we don't.
W-W-When are you gonna explain what's going on with the Russian people you work for? Oh, my God.
D Dean, it's not the Dean.
It is complicated, okay? But it is not the same thing as this.
Yes, it is! S-Secrets are secrets, Desna.
And you promised you were always gonna be honest.
I am! Okay, Dean, the Russians took over the salon and the clinic.
That's all.
Okay? I want to know that you know what you're doing on this.
We're not ready to have a kid.
Is it because of genetics, Dean? 'Cause you have autism? You'll pass it on? - Because it doesn't mean that.
- It's not about that! Okay, you know I got a good job now.
I'm making money, Dean.
I can help you We don't want it! I know, Dean, but I just want to make sure you thought this through.
I am not dumb! I didn't say that.
This is our decision, Desna! Y-You stay out of it! Dean Dean! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Damn it.
[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV.]
Teeth don't clean themselves Teeth don't clean themselves Here at Plaque Don't Crack, we make it our mission to get the blaaack off your stack! [TWINKLE!.]
Hey, girl.
Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
- Just tired, is all.
Was up all night with Momma, trying to get the house ready for Dean and Desna.
I can't stop thinking about what you said about Zlata.
Yeah, we got to keep an eye on that psychopath.
- Right.
- Don't you worry.
There's a silver lining to everything.
For example, the silver lining for me is that Desna's house is now free, and I might be able to pop one off in private.
And my silver lining is now that Dean's gonna be living there, we can bang in your pool all the time.
Ew! Sounds like fun.
Don't worry.
You'll find your silver lining, girl.
Um can y'all actually start Mrs.
Dobson's silk wrap? I'ma be there in like two minutes.
- Alright.
- Sure, girl.
Mm-hmm.
[MOANING.]
[RUSSIAN HIP-HOP PLAYS.]
[WHIMPERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
Ugh.
[SLURPS.]
So, uh, you want to play a video game? What do you got? "Assassin's Creed" or, uh What you know about "Assassin's Creed"? I know I'm about to whup your ass.
[SCOFFS.]
Huh? Yeah, okay.
[BABY CRIES.]
Shit.
He wants the tits.
I will be right back.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Okay.
I know it's a bold idea, but a commercial might be just what we need.
A commercial for illegal business? [LAUGHS.]
I don't like it, Desna.
Look, we advertise the pain-management part.
I mean, that's a legit pursuit.
Look, Russians are not like your people, Desna.
We disrupt quietly.
Oh! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't shoot.
Easy, now.
Look.
I'm just picking up a copy of the book.
- Audiobook for baby bo'.
- Shh.
You don't come into this office without invitation.
Clear? Crystal.
Look, we're family now, right? You know? Sit down.
And you, my friend, go and shoot your commercial.
Prove me wrong.
Are you sure? I don't micromanage.
But it better be good.
You know how I feel about failure.
[SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Looking good, guys.
Here you go, ma'am.
I mean, don't you ever wish you could press Rewind on life? Yeah so we can do it all over again.
That's not what I meant.
Ever since we hooked up, my life's gone to shit.
Well, God doesn't want us to be unhappy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Was that on a bumper sticker or something? [LAUGHS.]
I'm married.
Okay? I got to put my life back together.
My family means everything to me.
Okay? Well, at least dance with me.
Have you heard a word I said? Oh, we're just friends I get it, alright.
But remember that square dancing competition we were gonna enter? It's this Friday.
Come on.
It'll at least make you smile again.
- It won't.
- It will.
I might not be able to work on the Sabbath, but, uh, they can't stop me from dancing.
Huh? So, Roller, what job might be interesting for you? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Well, I've always been good with numbers.
Numbers? And Desna.
That's true.
She does have that effect on people.
Doesn't she? [LIGHTER CLICKS.]
I can fake it better, I can make it better to a guy Babylon, I'll lock it down and tighten up this route - Get inter - QUIET ANN: Here we are.
Okay.
Virginia, where's your protection? I'm good.
I got my flats on.
Alright.
Let's do this.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
My vag like a operatic ballad - Your vag like Grandpa's cabbage - Gird your loins! And my vag, effortless Your vag post ads on Craigslist It's time that we let the world know Bitch, your vag look like Janet Reno God sees everything! Yeah, can he see this? It's time that we let the world know You will burn in hell as your baby gets its wings! I was an unwanted baby, and it sucks! Go on, get married! Me and my sister got tossed around from family to family, and nobody wanted us! W-We lived on food stamps and and we were abused, and not one of you was around to help us! You only care about babies in the womb.
You don't care about them when they when they come out.
If you did, you'd be fighting to end human trafficking in Libya! And Sarasota! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Awkwafina's a genius And her vagina is 50 times better than a penis I can't do a commercial for an illegal clinic.
I'm a father now.
Okay, I may have made it sound like a request, but it's not, Kenneth.
It's an order.
You're doing the commercial.
- I'm not - So cut down on the fried foods, 'cause HD sees right into your pores.
It's true.
But that's not possible! I use a serum! Um, hey, Des? I was wondering, um, could Marnie and I move into your house now that you're moving on up? Of course you can.
You know I don't care about that.
- Oh, thank you! - Yeah.
I just want to get back down to the salon so we can pitch some of these commercial ideas with the girls.
Yeah, but it's just gonna be you and me and Jenn.
Why? Well, Quiet Ann and Virginia are at the thing.
The thing? That was today? Well, how come nobody said nothing? And they let Quiet Ann go and not me? I don't know, Desna.
She's quiet and you're judgy-judgy.
Wow.
I mean, you're super pretty, though.
- Wow.
- You are.
And, girl, you got a body-oddy-oddy to die for! Thanks for standing with me today.
Oh, yeah.
Women Women have the right to choose.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're right.
I-I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna go across the street and get pencils from the art store.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Okay.
Be careful.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm good.
[SIGHS SHAKILY.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
This is just hard.
[SNIFFLES.]
Um What are they saying about me at the salon? This bitch is having an abortion.
Girl, she'll be fine.
I had two.
I didn't think twice about it.
At least she can get one.
Back in Texas, they were illegal.
I had to go to that nice lady in the deli for mine.
Oh, my Lord.
You are all going to hell.
Where's my dad going? He raped my babysitter.
Thank God she could have one.
Polly, you never told us that.
You never asked.
Look, I think women should have the right to choose, but some need to choose a condom.
I shouldn't have to pay for it.
You're not paying for anything.
[SCOFFS.]
My tax dollars are.
That's some alt-right bullshit.
Well, at least these women can have kids.
It's about a woman's right to choose what she wants to do with her own body.
Yeah, I got pregnant when I was real young, and I didn't want to have a kid, but my parents were against abortion, and they made me.
And I got attached to that kid.
Sofia.
And one day I got home, and Sofia was sent to California to live with some church friends.
I never saw her again.
Ann, I'm I'm so sorry.
People got your back, girl.
Thanks.
I needed to hear that.
What if it's, like, the next Obama? Or, like, that guy that's always dreaming? Martin Luther King? Yeah.
Girl it's not.
You're fine.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.
It's no Obama in there? [BOTH LAUGH.]
DESNA: Okay, so, this is saying that the director is the one who yells out the orders and everybody else does the work.
Well, that should be you, boo.
Boom.
Okay.
The producer is the one who hires everybody for the shoot, but don't get no credit for it.
Well, that should definitely be me.
Because when I was in jail, I taught Lorraine in the prison cafeteria how to make my family's famous baked ziti, but when people started complimenting her, I didn't get any credit at all.
Don't you hate that? We women should be lifting each other up instead of knocking each other off the monkey bars.
Why it gotta be monkey bars, Brenda? Oh, goodness.
Everything offends you people.
"You people"? Really? You see, that's what I'm talking about.
- Okay, alright, alright, y'all! - Why you got to say "you people"? Y'all, y'all! Let's leave the racism to the hipsters.
Come on, now.
This is gonna be fun.
Dean can do the art department.
Ooh! Quiet Ann can be the cinematographer.
And oh, Brenda, do you still sew? I won best stitching at the Eagle Forum Convention.
Will you make the costumes? I would love to.
Yeeeees! You are gonna die when you see the dress I made Jennifer for tomorrow night.
DESNA: Whoa! Hey! Do-si-do your partner! Yee haw.
You just gon' let the Confederate flags fly, huh? Shit.
I thought it was British.
Mm.
You look amazing, Jennifer.
Thank you, Momma.
When Bryce sees you at the soiree, he is gonna fill up your whole dance card.
I'm actually going with Hank.
Jennifer! Bryce is a a white knight in Levi's.
He raised a baby who wasn't even his.
I know.
I'm just going with Hank so I can avoid a breakdown.
Okay, well, I'm gonna help you.
You know what I'm gonna do? I am going home and I'm gonna make my cracker casserole so that you can cook your way into his heart.
Momma, thank you! - Don't mess up.
- Okay.
- Back to the film! - Please.
So, Jenn, what do you want to do? Want to be a gaffer? A gaffer? No, no, I took creative writing in community college, so I feel that I could write this commercial.
Jennifer Roylance Husser, you know damn well you didn't go to college.
Fine! How hard can writing a commercial be? It's just words, and I know words.
- Just put it down.
- Great.
Jenn scribe.
Excuse me.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm good.
I-I-I-I lied about getting pencils.
Uh, a-a-and I got you this instead.
[LAUGHS.]
Dean, thank you.
I love these.
I-I hope you love them as much as I love you.
You changed my life, Virginia.
And And I-I want to spend the rest of my years with you.
Uh, Dean, d-does your sister know about this? Yeah.
Yeah.
I talked to her about this a while ago.
She gave me her blessing.
So, what do you say, Virginia? Will you marry me? We're getting married, everybody! [CROWD CHEERS.]
God is good! He heard our prayers.
We still D&C'd that shit, bitch! Okay, so, should I have Dr.
Ken standing here, or, like, right in here? Uh, we can still replace him and have somebody else do it.
Stop it.
This is good right here.
Hey, so, I was thinking a soft, dewy look and a natural lip.
You take it easy, hear? We don't need you passing out and shit.
I'm good, Des.
Listen, I know I was hard on you the other day, right? But when I see you going down the wrong path, Virginia, I just want to slap you back on.
My brother has a lot of potential.
But so do you.
Thank you.
No one's ever looked out for me like this.
Um I've got good news.
Dean proposed.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You stupid bitch! - QUIET ANN: Whoa! Why would you have an abortion and then get married?! What kind of ghetto shit is that?! Just s-stop it! S-Stop it! What are you Stop! Dean, why didn't you tell me you were getting married? I-I did! I told you a couple of months ago.
Y-You said it was okay.
I had a gun to my head! But you said you said it was okay, Desna.
V-Virginia's Virginia's my life.
Don't you want me to be happy? I'm happy.
Little girl, do not hurt him.
Do you understand me? - I won't.
- S-She won't hurt me.
She won't hurt me.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Dean.
Yeah, Des.
It's time for you to man up, baby.
- You hear me? - Yeah.
- Time to be a man.
Okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Desna? - What?! - We got to move.
"The Bachelor" is on tonight, and unless you're paying overtime - Okay.
Where's Polly? - I don't know.
Des, I don't know, but listen.
What do you think is the better catchphrase "No pain, no gain" or "Stop the pain"? I-I don't know.
Polly? - Pol! - Polly? Yes, sir.
Right here.
Qu'est ce que c'est? Uh can you get Ken out his office? We need to do this.
Copy that.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Boris, I would like you to show our new family the ways of Georgia.
No.
Boris.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
Boris.
I realize that the two of you almost killed each other last month at the amusement park, but it's time to make up, put blood under the bridge, and move on.
Understand? Show him the lay of the land.
It's an order.
Take off clothes.
[CHUCKLES.]
We'll begin.
I ain't like my Uncle Daddy, playboy.
The camera adds 10 pounds.
In your case, maybe 20.
So you might want to suck in your gut.
Okay.
Thanks, Confetta.
I still can't tell which is your good side.
You might want to just look straight ahead.
Oh, and P.
S I forgot my nose hair trimmers, so good luck.
Come on! What the hell is taking so long?! I just I'm not feeling the script Jenn wrote.
Oh.
Yeah.
I probably should've written it myself 'cause I was a ghostwriter on "Thelma & Louise.
" But there's no emotion.
It doesn't like sound me, and honestly, it's just It's not fresh it's not fresh at all.
Alright, then just change it! I can't.
I can't change it.
Jennifer's gonna be like, "You completely changed my script, Dr.
Ken.
" I can't believe you're trying to rewrite the script.
I spent 25 minutes on it.
It didn't sound like me.
It's not supposed to sound like you! It's a character.
You know what? If I would've known that you were gonna rewrite my ass, then I would've spent my time practicing my square dancing moves and not trying to spin hay into gold.
You call this gold? "There's no 'I' in pain"? That doesn't even make sense.
- Absolutely! - There's an "I" in pain! And according to that YouTube video, notes are just part of the Hollywood process.
Polly, we're just a couple of blue-collar bitches in Palmetto trying to shoot a commercial on a jizz-stained porno camera.
I have made this a very professional set! Will you guys knock it off? Zlata already doesn't think we can pull this off.
Uh, who cares what the Antichrist thinks? Your ass should care what she thinks! Polly, put your hand down! Because if we don't do it, you're gonna be writing our obituaries.
How about that? Now, please, everybody, get in your places! Yes, places! I just said that, Poll! You are making me hot.
UNCLE DADDY: How you holding up, son? You missing Jenn? I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
Can't compare to how you feel about Aunty Momma.
Yeah, it's it's hard.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I was with that woman 32 years.
I ain't ever been with anything that long.
Shit.
I didn't have my hair on my head that long.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ROLLER SCREAMING.]
What the hell? He's being tortured! God damn it! They're torturing Roller! Save me Somebody save me Save me Somebody save me Hey! Hey! Hey! Save me Save, save, save, save, save, save me Save, save, save, save, save, save, save ROLLER: Ahhh! What the hell? [YELLING.]
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYS.]
Baby boy played us.
[YELLING.]
Okay, and sound.
- Um - Girl - Toby, what the hell? - My bad.
We ain't got all day.
Come on.
- Take 1.
- [CLACK.]
Do I have do I have drool? Action! Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation, we know pain.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Kenneth Brickman, and if you are a j Try it again.
Sorry.
- Action.
- Well, hello.
I didn't see you there.
This is Suncoast Rejuvenation, If you or a loved one have [SIGHS.]
Line? Hi, I'm Suncoast Rejuvenation, - and this is Dr - No.
- Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation - No.
Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation, we know pain.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Ken I'm so hot.
Can you throw me something to wipe? I'm so Here at Suncoast Gajuvenation It's not Gajuvenation! Desna.
[WHISPERING.]
He He's really bad.
And I'm Dr.
Renneth I'm [SIGHS.]
It's horrifying.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
And yet I can't look away.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Here at Suncoast Rejuvenation, we know pain.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Kenneth Brickman.
This is Suncoast Rejuvenation! And I'm Dr.
Kenneth Brickman! [FALSETTO.]
Hi, I'm Suncoast Rejuve DESNA: No! Cut! [PANTING.]
I'm out of breath.
Cut! - My zame is - Cut.
Cut.
No.
Cut! Cut.
No.
Cut.
Cut! Cut! Bahhhhh! That'll teach his ass to go off-book.
Zlata is gonna kill us, y'all.
Okay, can can I get some water? - Please! - Okay, some space.
- Please! - Space for the director! Here.
Well, I know you asked for water, but I thought I'd be proactive.
Pol.
Can you get your boy toys into hair and makeup? I got an idea.
[MARKY MARK & THE FUNKY BUNCH'S "GOOD VIBRATIONS" PLAYS.]
Ooh Yeah Can you feel it, baby? I can, too Stop the pain! One Two Three Now we come to the payoff It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation [RAPPING.]
Yo, it's about that time To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme I'ma get mine, so get yours I wanna see sweat comin' out your pores On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this Strictly hip-hop, boy, I ain't singin' this Bringin' this to the entire nation Black, white, red, brown, feel the vibration Come on, come on Feel it, feel it Feel the vibration It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation It's such a good vibration It's such a sweet sensation Stop the pain! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Yes! We did it, y'all.
Th-Those dance moves are really impressive.
Y'all, calm down.
We haven't done anything yet, okay? Nobody is retweeting it.
This might be all bad.
Refresh the computer.
That's not how it works, Des.
Just hold on, Des.
These things take time.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, oh! Not too much time.
We just got retweeted.
- You lyin'.
- Nope.
We goin' viral, y'all just like my sex tape.
You lyin'! [CHEERING.]
Put 'em in! [ALL TRILLING.]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - Ah! Shit! - You little shit! You're supposed to be getting intel, God damn it! I did! Damn! Boris told me everything! They open up 10 clinics at the end of the year, and they get the coke - from the Colombians.
- Wait Colombians? What kind of Pablo Escobar bullshit is that? The Colombians bring the coke to Palmetto on fishing boats.
Oh, hell no.
Boy, hell no! We get nabbed by the Feds running drugs for the Colombians, we'll get our our salads tossed in South Bay for the rest of our lives, you understand? On the bright side of things, we don't got to use bugs.
I'm in the game now, baby.
Finna crush that whole operation.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Clay Husser? Don't you look like a hot cup of tea.
I know.
Look, I'm here to see my favorite son-in-law.
I brought gifts.
[BLAYRE MIC'S "LOVE BPM" PLAYS.]
B, B, B, B, B, B ZLATA: Desna, come in.
L-O-V-E B-P-M So, your bold idea worked.
I took a page out of your book, Zlata.
I found a dick and rode it like a boss.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes! Pussy power, girlfriend! I love! Ohhh! Whoo! God damn! You always could cook, Ms.
Brenda.
Well, people always forget about the recipes on the back of the Ritz cracker box, but I don't.
Mm-hmm.
Well, enough with the small talk.
I think you know why I'm here, Bryce-y boo.
We need to chat about my daughter.
She's a complicated butterfly.
[UP-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Dr.
Ken.
I need to come by and see you.
My back's hurtin' real bad, and it needs to be fixed.
Take my card.
"Stop the pain.
" Ooh, Kenneth! You got a fan.
[LAUGHTER.]
[WHISPERING.]
You ever gotten a handie in public? [WHIMPERS.]
Scooch your chair up.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[ZIPPER OPENS.]
Can we get this white shit started? D.
Just one foot in front of the other, right? You got this, friend.
SQUARE DANCE CALLER: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this do-si-do going! Let's bring out the first group! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All join hands in a big ol' ring.
Circle around with your own dear thing.
Go, Jenn! Whoo! CALLER: Oh, my golly, oh, by Joe, take your partner by the left and do-si-do.
Partner left and corner right, then do-si-do with all your might.
Now promenade like it's your job.
[ECHOING.]
You fell on his dick like corn on the cob.
Now allemande left with the corner maid.
You screwed up your marriage just trying to get laid.
Why'd you go and shatter his world? He raised your other kid like his own little girl.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS.]
If temptation falls and you give a rimjob, say "Sorry" to your husband before you break down and sob.
What happened to "'Til death do us part"? You took a knife and stabbed his heart.
Look at you now, all alone.
Remember, Luther Vandross sang "A House is not a Home.
" You messed this up, poor little girl.
Now you'll have to use Tinder, like the rest of the world.
Shalom, y'all! [UP-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC RESUMES.]
Shit.
That Putin bitch has got to go.
He's right, Ruval.
We finna get twisted up in some Colombian shit.
Bryce! She ruined my businesses, she killed my wife.
I ain't taking this slowly! Clay, why do you think your people abandoned you? You need to stick to the plan.
I will take care of this.
JENNIFER: Bryce! Baby, it's me! Listen, we need to talk! I have so many things to say! [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
Come on, baby.
Hey.
What's happening? Where's my husband? Upstairs.
Not feeling too well.
Your mom's cooking's a little questionable.
Tell her to stick to the microwave.
Babe, I ju No way.
Uh, uh You filthy little skank.
[SLURRING.]
Oh, no.
I was just prepping him for you.
[THE RONETTES' "YOU CAME, YOU SAW, YOU CONQUERED!" PLAYS.]
My enemy was warm desire You shot me down with lips of fire I ran for cover straight into your arms Hey.
I was, um, just calling to see if I can make that dinner up to you.
I would love that.
What are you doing later? I'm doing you later if I'm lucky.
Ohh! Ohh! Shut up! [SCREAMING IN DISTANCE, GLASS SHATTERS.]
Let me call you when I get home.
Come on, y'all.
Oh, baby You came, you saw Oh, hell no! Hey! Get off! [WOMEN GASP.]
You came, you saw, you turned your loving right on in me Oh, oh, oh, oh You came, you saw, you conquered all the love in me Oh, baby You came, you saw, you turned your loving right on in me Oh, oh, oh, oh Whoa, whoa! Hey, get off! Get off! Get off! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Oh, oh, oh, oh I'm real sorry, y'all.
- I'm sorry y'all had to see that.
- No.
I mean, she's not always been the best momma, but, you know I just didn't think she would do something like that.
She made me this outfit, and she did my makeup.
[SOBS.]
Why would she do that? Why did she do that? Why would she do that? Why did she do that?! [SOBBING.]