Code Monkeys (2007) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Jonathan Coulton:
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
Code monkey very simple man ♪
Larrity: Yee-hah!
Coulton: With big, warm,
fuzzy, secret heart ♪
Todd: Fondue!
Coulton:
Code monkey like you ♪
[Arf arf]
Coulton: Code monkey
like you ♪
Code monkey
like you ♪
Dave: I love you, whores.
[Beep beep]
[Music plays]
- Black Steve?
- Present, bitch.
- Mary?
- Do we really have to do this?
Larrity: Shut it, boy. Jerry?
- Present.
- Todd?
Todd: As Todd's
meat-space avatar,
I am licensed to conduct
communications on his behalf.
Larrity: Every time I think you
can't be any more creepifying,
you prove me wrong.
Dave?
Dave: [Vomiting]
Larrity: All right. Great.
Let's get this pitch meeting
started.
Dave, you're GameaVision's
best programmer.
What you got
for me this week?
Dave: I thought today instead of
me pitching you some ideas,
you could pitch me
some ideas,
you know,
like a group effort.
Go ahead and start riffing.
I'll move over here
to the garbage can,
where I'm definitely now
about to throw up!
[Vomits]
OK. Who just puked
in my hands?
Not cool, OK? Not cool.
Larrity: I love it, Dave!
Those are chunks
of real-world experience,
and I love the smell of
real-world experience,
especially when mixed
with tequila and creamed corn.
- What the hell?
- You're up, fatty.
Larrity; What you got stuffed
up your coal hole?
Huh. You gonna squeeze me out
a diamond this week?
Todd: It is a gemstone of sort,
I do aver. Ha ha ha!
Mary: Ach!
Larrity: Stop yapping
like the Prince
of No One Gives a Damn Castle
and give me an idea.
Todd: It goes like thus.
Dave: Just say,
"It goes like this."
Todd: Plebian. Behold.
There is a creature
half rooster, half goblin.
He is a demibeast
worthy of Tolkien,
if I do say so myself,
and I do, and I did.
Dave: Ha ha ha!
What the hell is that?
Todd: That is the Cock Goblin.
[Laughter]
Todd: Yes, my friends. Rejoice.
Celebrate my genius.
Ha ha ha, indeed.
Cock Goblin will swallow
entire villages.
Cock Goblin will suck life out
of every man he comes across.
Dave: Wait.
What's it called again?
- Cock Goblin.
- That is badass, dude.
- Really?
- That's cool, Todd,
Black Steve: but what if
you called it Goblin Cock?
Todd: In answer to your
questions, Black Steven,
while I do love Goblin Cock
[Laughter]
Todd: I have a stronger
predilection for Cock Goblin.
It is my vision
the way I made it.
Larrity: Now can just see
all you young people
love the bejeesus
out of this game,
but I got to confess,
I don't get it.
Dave: Mr. Larrity,
I know you defer to me
because I'm super [beep] cool
and awesome-looking
and a genius, and I'm gonna
go on record right now
here and now and say this is
the best video game pitch ever.
- Seconded.
- Really?
Larrity: Well, that's
a little hard for me to swallow,
but if you say it tastes
like a hit, then it's got to be.
Todd, I want you to get
to "Cock Goblin" tout de suite.
Put "Cock Goblin" at the top
of your to-do list.
I want you doing nothing
but "Cock Goblin"
until I say otherwise.
Todd: Fellow gamers, I salivate
at the meaty feast before me.
You have handed me
the golden dice of opportunity,
which I shall shake
vigorously thus
before casting them
into the wind of destiny.
[Music plays]
Larrity: Let me see
if I got this straight, fella.
You, Steve Ploznik,
is telling me, Big T. Larrity,
that you, Steve Ploznik,
will not insure
my company GameaVision.
Is that right?
Steve Ploznik: As we say in the
insurance game, correctomundo.
Mr. Larrity, GameaVision has
a terrible liability profile.
Larrity: That's a mouth turd.
There is no way
you can back that up, son.
Steve Ploznik: Last year alone,
the front of the building
was blown off?
50 Japanese nationals
committed seppuku.
There were 10
workplace shootings,
and what's it like to be raped
by a white tiger?
Larrity: Same as getting raped
by a striped one, you racist.
Steve Ploznik: Regardless,
we are unable
to offer you coverage
at this time.
Larrity: Looks like I just
saved us a whole bunch of money
by not having insurance.
- Yee-hah!
- No, Mr. Larrity.
Steve Ploznik: The city
will never allow a business
of this size to go uninsured.
They're probably
going to shut you down.
Larrity: Is that so? Heh.
Ain't there nothing I can do
to change your mind,
like, for instance,
shoot this money?
Steve Ploznik: Oddly,
that didn't change my mind.
If anything, it reaffirmed
my opinion
that everyone
who works here is psychopathic.
Larrity: What, now you got
a problem with that?
Steve Ploznik:
He's roasting a corpse.
I do see how you'll ever
get insured, unless--
Larrity:
Unless I stab my money. Yah!
Steve Ploznik: No. The only way
to restart this process
is to have
your entire staff pass
some detailed
psychological evaluations.
I'll just put you in touch
with Doreen Masterson,
our head of evaluations.
Larrity: Good idea. I can reason
with a nice set of boobies.
Bring 'em on.
[Music plays]
Todd: Thank you very much,
gentlemen, for your offer
to help me with the game-play
elements of "Cock Goblin."
Dave: It's all there, buddy.
You just need to massage it
a little.
Todd: Can I say I'm touched?
I had no idea you guys would
love "Cock Goblin" this much.
Jerry: No one could love it
as much as you.
After all,
"Cock Goblin" is your thing.
Todd: 'Tis true. 'Tis true.
I'm thinking of calling it
"Todd's Cock Goblin"
or perhaps
"Cock Goblin by Todd."
Do you think Mr. Larrity
would agree?
Dave: Sure,
but scope this, dude.
How about
"Todd the Cock Gobbler"?
Todd: "Cock Gobbler"?
Don't make me laugh.
Who would cross a rooster
with a turkey?
It's the height of folly,
you fools.
No, gentlemen.
My heart is quite set
upon "Cock Goblin."
It may sound trite,
but I honestly believe
that "Cock Goblin"
will be my legacy.
Dave: Brainstorm, dude.
What if the Cock Goblin had
a couple of beefy sidekicks?
Todd: I'm listening.
Dave: Well, Cock Goblin's
a hero, right, and I noticed
he had a very large sword,
so he needs a, um--
Oh, man, what do you call a guy
who takes care of your sword?
Todd: A squire, of course.
Dave: Right, but what would
a normal person call that guy,
the guy that keeps your sword
nice and shiny?
- A sword what?
- Polisher.
Todd: Oh, suppose a layman
would understand that.
Cock Goblin and Sword Polisher.
Cock Goblin and Sword Polisher.
Yeah. That feels pretty good
when you roll it around
in your mouth a little bit.
Dave and Jerry: [Snicker]
Dave: And how
would they get around?
Jerry: They would
ride a unicorn.
Dave: Called Horny,
and the Sword Polisher
would ride, like, a horse?
Todd: In his dirty,
peasant dreams. No.
A lowly squire rides one thing
and one thing only--an ass.
Jerry: Perfect.
Dave: Hey, what do you call
a guy who handles donkeys?
- An ass handler?
- Yeah.
- Write that down, dude.
- Solid gold!
Larrity: Listen up, people.
This is lady doctor
Doreen Masterson.
She's here so we can show her
that we're all right
in the head because if we don't,
we're what they call
"uninsurable," and we're all
gonna "lose our jobs,"
so please
"give her your respect"
and don't call her
a "dog-faced frog" to her face.
Mary: Why did you
just use air quotes
when they weren't even
euphemisms?
Larrity: Hey, doc, if I need
to lose big mouth over there,
I'm all right with that.
Now the doctor's ready
to get to working,
so everybody drop your drawers.
Ha ha! I'm just kidding.
I do all the physicals
around here.
Doreen: Oh. OK.
Larrity: Well,
as you can plainly see,
everybody here is as normal
and cow [beep] pie.
Black Steve: Hey, give me back
my brown M&M's,
you little, Korean bitch.
Benny: Ha ha!
You'll never catch Benny.
Dean: Oh! My blood is showing.
Larrity: Uh, like I said,
normal as cow [beep] pie.
Benny: Benny down.
I repeat, Benny is down. Medic!
[Music plays]
Doreen: I'm curious,
why do people here
call you Black Steve?
Black Steve: I don't know.
Maybe because I'm black.
Doreen: Hmm.
Is your name Steve?
- No.
- OK.
Doreen: It says here that you
might have a problem with anger
and shooting things
and people.
Black Steve: Yeah. It all
started when I was a kid.
See, I grew up with a bunch
of stupid, white people
who were always being nice to me
and trying to be black.
Boy: Hey there.
What is up, Black Steve?
Second boy: Word to your mother.
- Ow!
- Good [beep] grief.
Juicy: I bet you
can kick this football
really far, Black Steve.
Black Steve:
Is that right, Juicy?
Juicy: Oww!
What did you do that for?
Black Steve: You think
just because I'm black,
I'm an athlete?
That's what I think
of your damn football.
Now get got before I sic
my dog on you.
Isn't that right, Hooptie?
Hooptie: [Growls]
Boy: Wow.
Black Steve, you da bomb.
- Good [beep] grief.
- Ow!
Black Steve: They wanted
to co-opt my blackness
and absorb me into their safe,
lily-white world,
but I wouldn't let them.
My anger keeps me real.
Without it, I'd be no better
that that sellout Theo Huxtable.
- Do you feel me?
- Feel you?
Doreen: I think, yes,
I do feel you.
Black Steve: A'ight.
Hey, that white shrink
wants to see you.
Keep you mind in check
because she'll mess you up
if you're not careful.
- Not now. I'm busy.
- What are you working on?
Todd: I'm working
on "Cock Goblin."
Black Steve: Once again,
you made a really white game.
You need to add a character
called the Big,
Black Cock Goblin.
Todd: While I do like
the regular Cock Goblin,
I must admit,
I'm quite interested
in Big, Black Cock Goblin.
Let's see.
Big Black Cock Goblin
is frightening but beautiful.
Black Steve:
That's what they tell me.
Damn, it's just not as funny
with no one else here
to laugh at you.
What am I saying?
Yeah, it is.
Doreen: OK, Benjamin. What kind
of things are on your mind?
- Candy.
- You've said that already.
Benny: Candy, candy, candy!
Can you take me outside
and help me go bathroom?
Here's my leash.
Oh, quick, get me outside, lady.
Dang. Oh! Too late.
I got number-one spot.
[Music plays]
Doreen: So, Clare, tell me
what's on your mind.
Clare: Umnothing.
Doreen: Really? Nothing?
Clare: Um
maybe shoes.
Doreen: Shoes.
Clare: Wait. No. Just nothing.
[Music plays]
Clare: Mary, you might be
smarter than me,
but people like me
so much better than you.
Jerry: I wish you were in a coma
so I could show you
just how much I love you.
Dave: You have breasts
and a vagina,
but somehow you are
still uninteresting.
Larrity: Please, fella,
I'll give you anything you want.
Mary: My name is Mary.
You see me every day.
All I want is a little respect.
Larrity: Well,
anything but that.
Mary: Is that dream weird?
Doreen: Have you had it
more than once?
Mary: Only 847 times.
[Music plays]
Dean: My name is Dean, bro.
I'm rich and got
muscles and stuff.
Doreen: Yes.
We've established that.
Now I'm going to run you
through a quick battery of tests
to determine whether you are
brain damaged or retarded.
How many fingers is this?
Dean: One.
Doreen: And this?
Dean: Two.
Doreen: And this?
Dean: Uhsome.
Doreen: And this?
Dean: That's easy, bro.
Two in the pink
and one in the stink.
- Yeah. What's up?
- Fascinating.
Doreen: You can't count to 3,
but you have a command
of disgusting idioms.
Tell me, Dean, have you ever
suffered head trauma?
[Music plays]
Dave: Hey, you're
a doctor, right?
Do my speed bags smell,
or is it just me?
Doreen: Please just
answer my questions.
What do you see, and, remember,
there are no wrong answers.
Dave: Two turds hugging--
no, fighting--no, just arguing.
Wait. No.
They're definitely having sex,
but it's angry sex.
Oh, that's easy--
penis in a blender
or a turtle driving
a pickup truck, dealer's choice.
Doreen: Fine, and this one?
Dave: Oh, that's easy.
It's a reggae band of ants,
and--bad news--
the drummer, he sucks.
Hmm, ooh, the two of us
having dinner tonight.
No. Wait, having sex
and then you buy me dinner
and let me eat it off your ass.
Doreen: Absolutely not.
Dave: I thought there were
no wrong answers.
[Music plays]
Jerry: Hi. Dr. Masterson?
I'm Jerry.
Doreen: Please have a seat.
So what can you tell me
about yourself, Jerry?
Jerry: Well,
where do I start?
I'm just a typical,
ordinary dude.
[Crying]
I'm not ordinary at all.
Doreen: I'm getting too old
for this [beep].
That's all the time
we have for today.
Jerry: [Wailing]
Doreen: I could've been
a professor, but no.
Dad said, "Take the steady job
with the insurance company."
Stupid.
Larrity: Well, you seen
them all now, I guess.
Doreen: All but you
and one other, it looks like.
Larrity: And I take it,
the rest of them were A-OK,
tiptop, heh, not too fruity,
"insurable."
Doreen: We're talking about you
right now, Mr. Larrity.
Now let's get back to those
word associations.
Just respond with the first
thing that pops into your mind.
Cat.
Larrity: I know this one.
It's Garfield.
- Dolphin.
- Intelligent.
Doreen: Good. Shoe.
Larrity: Intelligent again.
3 for 3.
- Marriage.
- Murder.
- Swimming pool.
- Water murder.
- Orphanage.
- Arson.
Doreen: Thank you, Mr. Larrity.
That was a very
interesting test.
Larrity: Only one I like more
is when they stick the Q-tip in
and twirl it round.
Hey, everybody, I got 100%
on my test!
Doreen: These [beep] insurance
evaluations are killing me,
so much garden-variety crazy
but nothing truly spectacular.
Can someone please find Todd?
Todd: Friends Dave and Jerry
have been such a big help.
I would not have thought
to add Knob Goblin
if they hadn't
thrust it upon me,
and the sausage dungeon
is truly inspired.
Mary: Todd, did you know
the shrink is looking for you?
Todd: Curse that wretched woman.
I have no time for her meddling.
I am consumed with Cock Goblin.
- Ha ha ha!
- Still funny.
Clare: Ooh, where'd you get
the costume, Todd.
Todd: Dave made it for me.
I have a freedom
of movement in this
that I don't normally
in my own pants,
and it's hypoallergenic.
Dean: Hey, Todd, the lady--
Todd, the lady doctor
wants to see you, bro.
Maybe she'll give you
one of these.
Doreen: There's just the matter
of the one remaining
employee who--
Todd: What, woman?
Some of us are working
on important things.
I must help Cock Goblin
defeat the Knob Goblin
by stealing his silken sack.
Ka-kaw! Cock away!
Doreen: This could be good.
[Music playing]
Unlike many of the staff here,
I have no idiosyncrasies.
My like is a parade of normalcy.
I eat nachos for breakfast,
lunch, dinner,
and late-night snack.
I sleep on a mattress
I made myself from keepsakes,
mostly broken dolls
and underwear.
I have none
of the separation anxiety
that damages
so many poor souls.
My mother bathed me until I was
well into adulthood.
Doreen: I see, and when was
the last time she bathed you?
Todd: About 8:00 this morning.
Doreen: And that
doesn't seem weird?
Todd: There's nothing weird
about it.
I'm not a gymnast, madam.
I can't reach around
behind myself,
and I, in turn, wash Mother.
It's a give and take.
It's a very beautiful,
mutual thing.
Who better to know every inch
of a woman's skin
than her only son?
Doreen: Go on.
Todd: I also pop the pimples
on Mother's back.
Sometimes she falls asleep
right in my arms, and I think
how easy it would be
to just put a pillow
right over her face,
just for a second, though.
Then I come back to reality.
I'm not a monster.
Doreen: Is that so?
Todd: When "Cock Goblin"
makes me famous,
I will give all the credit
to my dear mother
and call her Mother Wife,
and when Mother Wife dies,
I shall make of her
a suit of clothes
so that we need
never be apart.
- Are we done?
- Wow, Todd.
Doreen: Wow.
You're so special, I--
Maybe you're even
special enough to write
a bestselling book about.
Now I need to go speak
to Mr. Larrity.
Todd: I'm afraid
I can't let you leave
because I am not here anymore.
The moment that
I created the Cock Goblin
was the moment that I became
the Cock Goblin.
Do you see my glory,
Dr. Masterson?
Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!
Doreen: Yes. Ka-kaw. Marvelous.
I'll be right--
Todd: Go, go, goblin balls.
Doreen: Aah! What the [beep]?
Jerry: Dave, for the last time,
will you please
keep your ass off my--
Todd: Ka-kaw!
Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw! Aah!
Larrity: Burn them bodies
real good, Dean.
Todd: Ka-kaw!
Go, go, goblin balls.
- Aah!
- Ka-kaw!
Black Steve: How would you two
pieces of white bread
like to make
a Black Steve sandwich?
- Aah!
- Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!
Todd: Go, go, goblin ka-kaw!
Dave: This is awesome.
Todd: Go, go, goblin spear.
Damn this cheap contraption.
I know I should have ordered
from Captain O.
Is this the end
of Cock Goblin?
Jerry: Awesome. Ha ha ha!
Doreen: Mr. Larrity,
we have to talk.
Larrity: Vagina!
Doreen: I am not doing
word association right now.
Larrity: Boobies.
Dave: Is it hot in here,
or is it just me? Whoa.
I was right. My Tri-State Area
definitely smells.
Larrity: Good boy, Benny.
Aim for the center of the page,
just like I taught you.
Now, what were you saying, sexy?
Jerry: Wow, just like the Fonz.
You are so bad.
Black Steve: Hey, yo, Jerry,
stop trying to co-opt me.
Doreen: Shut up,
shut up, shut up!
I was sent
to this company to make
a psychological evaluation
of the staff.
In my brief time here, I have
met a raging drug addict
Dave: That's me, right?
Please say yes.
Doreen: a walking
cultural stereotype
Black Steve: Who you calling
a stereotype, honky?
Man: Is she talking
about me? ♪
Doreen: and the biggest pussy
I've encountered
since quitting the blue whale
obstetrics clinic
Jerry: [Crying]
Doreen: not to mention
the narcissistic sociopath
in a position of authority.
Larrity: Mother Teresa!
Damn, I'm good at them words.
Doreen: In my medical opinion,
you're all horrible,
self-absorbed jerks.
If you have
a decent bone in your bodies,
you will lock these doors,
set a fire,
and burn yourselves to death.
Dean: Sweet.
I'll get the gasoline.
Doreen: That having been said, I
will recommend you for insurance
if you hand over one
of your employees
to me for research.
Larrity: Hell no!
I paid cash money
for that Korean boy.
Doreen: Not the boy.
I want the Cock Goblin.
I want the Cock Goblin.
His pathology
is so rich, so rare,
he's my ticket out of this job
and onto Easy Street.
They'll name his disease
after me--Masterson's Syndrome.
Dave: Why not call it CCG--
Compulsive Cock Goblin?
[Laughter]
Todd: Yes, yes. Rejoice.
Larrity: Well, that is
a very serious request.
Does anybody see why
I shouldn't give up
the fat one to science?
Mary: Fine by me.
Black Steve: Do you need me
to take him alive?
- Later, dude.
- You're still fat, Todd.
Larrity: Well,
it's settled, then.
You can have him
as long as you want.
[Music plays]
Todd: [Screaming]
Man: Do you get it now?
Todd: Cock Goblin. Cock Goblin.
No. I don't get it.
Man: Increase the voltage.
Todd: [Shouts]
Oh, please, just tell me.
Man: They were making fun
of you. Hit him again.
Todd: [Shouts]
I get it.
They were mocking me.
Those fools were having fun
at my expense all along.
This shall not stand.
You must release me immediately
so that I can exact my revenge.
Man: That sounds fair.
Todd: Guard, let me in.
It is revenge o'clock.
Where are you black guard?
I must exact revenge on those
who scorned my Cock Goblin.
Ah. I see it's Sunday,
the day of rest,
so no ones here to receive
my delivery of vengeance.
I can wait all day.
I'll just bide my time
with a little Cock Goblin.
I--Oh, damn it!
That's disgusting.
[Elephant trumpets]
Doreen: You're all horrible,
self-absorbed jerks.