Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

1 This is a 1995 Volvo 960 station wagon.
Oh, my God, really? It is in regent red, it has a black leather interior premium sound system and a sunroof.
But it was built with a high-performance racing engine by none other than Paul Newman.
It's a 380-horsepower Ford V-8 with a supercharger and a Mustang five-speed gearbox.
It looks like the kind of car that you would take to a place like this and do things like this.
But it's actually a car where you can do things like this.
THANKS FOR COMING HAVE A NICE DAY! -Stew -Hello? -Hello, Dave? It's Jerry.
-Jerry.
-Seinfeld.
-Oh, yeah.
-I was kind of in the mood for coffee.
-Are you around? -Let's go.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
And this is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
MAIN TITLE Today my guest is talk-show legend David Letterman.
DAVID LETTERMAN This Volvo's actually his car, but he's letting me drive it today.
May I have two men, please? -Is gay marriage legal in Connecticut? -I don't believe so.
Hi, Jerry, how are you? Nice to see you.
We're going for coffee.
Just wanted to let Mom know.
I just love the car because of Paul Newman.
He called me one day and he said: "A guy's building me a Volvo station wagon with a racing engine.
Would you like one?" And because it was Paul Newman, you know, I was a little intimidated.
And I said, "Yes, I do, Paul.
I'd like one of those cars.
" He said, "Do you want a puffer on it?" So I said, "Sure.
Sure.
" I got off the phone and I said: "Anybody know what a puffer is?" And it's a supercharger.
-This is really his sense of humor, isn't it? -Yes.
-What is this? -Well, Dave, it's a family car.
So today, this is the family.
That's me and that's you.
One day I had a cardiac appointment.
This was before my surgery.
So I said, "Great, we'll take the Volvo into the city.
" And the car catches fire on the Merritt Parkway.
The tailpipe coming off the manifold, cherry red.
Glowing.
Could have killed me, I guess.
The hell with the cardiologist, you were already in flames.
This is a treat for me.
You're driving the Paul Newman Volvo.
This is fantastic.
Yeah.
Had it lowered a little.
Dented from scraping -What--? -Want kettle corn? -How did you know I like kettle corn? -I had a feeling.
So I took it to Stew Leonard's.
Have you been there? I went once, and I was so frightened that I never went back.
Somewhere near Dairy, I abandoned the cart and ran out.
-Is that your experience? -Yeah, the same thing happened to me.
There was one guy who had the trifecta.
He was hugely fat pushing a giant load of food and chewing at the same time.
He bought something probably at the deli just to hold him over.
Yeah.
Right.
Speaking of dumb guys, how about this fella up here? Yeah.
"Speaking of dumb guys," always a segue.
-This is a sensationally well-done car.
-I'm not sure how well-done it is.
I remember taking my father-in-law out in the car and then it just quit.
You ever been 10 miles from your house in a dead car with your father-in-law? -No.
-That's a full day.
I mean, he's a wonderful man, but that's a full day.
-Are you in the mood for coffee? -I love coffee.
Honest, I can't get enough.
Now, can you get to a place where, just for me, you can tap it a little bit? Watch this.
Oh, well, that's nice.
That's so nice, isn't it? -Yeah.
-I mean, come on.
God bless Paul.
That did my heart good.
But it does smell like we're seconds away from incinerating something.
My feet are getting hot.
-It's just toasty in here.
-The kettle corn is popping again.
You remember The Comedy Store in the '70s.
Pryor would come in.
I had the great fun to follow him one night.
Because The Comedy Store after Richard did everything but explode.
People are laughing so hard.
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, Dave Letterman.
" And of course, I have to fight people who are leaving to get to the stage.
I kind of got friendly with Richard and really thought he was a dear guy.
He closed with a bit about having sex with a dog.
And I just thought: "Well, okay.
" There are many facets of genius.
Yes, there are.
Remember in the '90s you were in L.
A.
, and you came on the set of my show? Oh, no, it's my weird cousin Larry.
-What are you guys talking about? -Sandwiches.
Oh, man, don't get me started on sandwiches.
That was so weird.
What do you think of my driving so far? -This will be the real test, parallel parking.
-Yeah.
Well, watch this.
Oh, my.
Ladies and gentlemen, now that he's got his helmet off let's really let him hear it.
-Impressive.
-That's what they say at Indy? -Yeah.
-Now he's got his helmet off.
Let's let him hear it.
-Do you want more kettle corn? -No, thanks.
Come over, I want you to take a look at something.
-I mean -How you doing, Bill? -Good, Randy, how are you? -you're here.
-If we were robbing a bank-- -Hey, Bill, Randy.
-Bill.
Randy.
-Hey.
-I'd like some coffee.
Yeah.
-Coffee? Sure.
I'd like some coffee as well.
-What time did you get up this morning? -I got up at 7.
First we take the dog out, and it's Frisbee.
Then it's shovel time.
-You have to get up with your dog? -No.
In the apartment we-- There's a little paper thing, they go on that.
Has the board of health signed off on that? Yeah, they gave us a C.
Not drinking coffee if you're not drinking it black.
You think? -No, I don't think.
-Oh, you like to monkey with it? I'm afraid to talk because of these people.
-Or are these actors? -No, they're people, Dave.
-Can we just ask these people to leave? -We don't own this place.
We could change that though, can't we? You know, you've had so many fantastic lines that you've done on your show.
Do those rattle around your head ever or are they gone? Sometimes somebody will remember the time and I'll say, "Really, I said that?" Do you remember the woman that said, "Have you ever had the hump of a camel?" I had a.
Have you ever had the hump of a camel? -Yeah, I do remember that.
-And there was that long beat.
And I wondered if you had it right away or you were-- Or it came as-- In that laugh.
What I do remember, is the double meaning that I'm leveraging this joke on gonna hold up? No, I've never had the hump of a camel.
I didn't think so.
But I must say, when I was younger, I was pretty good.
So you have? -I knew it was a setup.
-Right.
But I didn't know that "hump" would be the fulcrum, you know? Yeah, and you think, "Gee, I don't wanna waste this fat pitch -Right.
-on something," but it was so great.
-But I'll tell you, often, somebody-- -Right.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Sure.
Something from the lab, apparently.
Yes.
Have you found football any harder to watch? I think they should get rid of time-outs.
They should get rid of punts.
Also I think they should be allowed to play as many guys at once as they'd like.
If you got a play for 40 guys, send them in.
Your team gets three successive first downs.
They then have the option of running a play with two balls.
I feel like I'm in Gallagher's act now.
That is a little Gallagher.
Something I'm good at, going to the hardware store.
-I love going.
-Yeah.
And my son, we were in the hardware store one day and he says: "Oh, I love how it smells here.
" I said-- -Smells great.
Smells great.
-Smells fantastic.
Yeah.
Over the winter we built a push car.
So he goes down the driveway, loses control and goes over like this: But it was all pretty minor.
Two hours later, his first baseball practice of the season.
So now he says, "I can't go to baseball practice because I've hurt my hand.
" -Right.
-So, what do you do in that situation? I support whatever position my wife takes.
That's what I do.
Because she knows more about parenting than you? Here's the answer: It doesn't matter what you do.
Why fight with your wife? Yeah.
The worst part is-- Maybe you don't experience this since you mentioned that you don't care.
--is that you feel guilty about your own behavior.
You know, I kind of look at my family now and I think, "Well, in 60 years everyone's dead here.
" So.
Could I have the check, please? Good Lord.
-Oh, my goodness.
-It's just that-- I just don't like this over-consideration of every decision that's-- Well, that's me.
If I had more than one, I'd feel a little more comfortable about the decisions I would make with either one.
You've used that excuse a number of times.
I don't buy it.
You're gonna react to two the same as one.
A kid is a kid.
-Right.
That's what I've heard.
-Kid's a kid.
I agree that being an older parent, a lot of the real serious stuff, I'll be dead for.
You don't know that.
I don't know that, but sometimes it's useful.
What if he told you he wanted to be a comedian? I don't think that'll come up.
His stepfather Scott will deal with that.
Scott'll get him into a hedge fund.
The comedy universe is a swamp of madness.
-Yes.
-Haven't you enjoyed in your life, that you've been really surrounded by it? The Comedy Store.
I mean, it was one after another of guys who were really funny .
.
and guys who had personality disorders.
-Yeah.
-Lenny Schultz comes to mind.
-Really, you saw him? -Oh, my God.
We talk about Lenny Schultz once a week now.
I remember one time Lenny's got a BabyBjÃrn thing.
He's running around on-stage with the plastic doll and he has a little toy whip.
And he's whipping the baby.
Because you hear the sound effects of a crying baby.
And Lenny is whipping the baby.
"Be quiet.
William Morris is here.
Stop it.
William Morris is looking at my act.
Stop it, baby.
" And he's whipping the plastic doll.
Because William Morris is taking a look at him.
It was delightful.
And where did you go on in the very beginning? -Comedy Store.
Yeah.
-First time on-stage? -Did you get any laughs? -No.
-Nothing? -No.
No.
I remember being shocked by the quiet.
I watched a lot of comedians and thought: "The audience seems to be laughing anyway.
" And when you go up there, you find out they're not laughing.
I had to go to a place in Denver called the Turn of the Century.
And I was opening for Leslie Uggams.
And you're supposed to do 45 minutes.
-To open? -To open.
-Well, I had about 35.
-Right.
The guarantee is they were gonna turn the house.
-Right.
-They didn't turn the house.
So the second show, its, "Hi, where you from?" The guy says, "I'm from Denver.
" And I said, "Oh, great, Denver.
" And I said, "Where are you from?" "Denver.
" And the guy says, "Look, we're all from Denver.
You're in Denver.
" I said, "Thank you, good night.
And now Leslie Uggams.
" -You guys want something? -I'm really not hungry.
Get a little something for yourself.
Leonard would say that wherever we'd go.
"I'm not hungry, but get a little something for yourself.
" One night we had Rickles on, and we had Regis on and we had Tony Bennett on.
-The same show? -On the same show.
It was for the kids.
But that, to me, was reminiscent of Johnny in Burbank.
Did Johnny talk to you during commercials? He would sometimes give me stuff about bits.
He would say, "Why don't you try this?" -Did that to a lot of guys.
-What good is it now? I've already burned it here.
When in your timeline did you start guesting on that show? -May 7, 1981.
-So the pressure of-- -Either I have a career or don't.
-That's exactly right.
-Right? I either make it or break it -Yup.
right here, right now.
-Guy pulls the curtain open -Yeah.
-and the rest of your life is right there.
-Yeah.
Jonathan Winters dropped dead the other day.
That's god-awful.
-Did you love Jonathan Winters? -Oh, absolutely.
-Adored him.
-He would come out -on The Ed Sullivan Show -Yeah.
and I would start laughing when he came out.
Yes.
I don't think comedy has changed -and ever will change.
-What about the mechanism of comedy? -No.
No change.
-No change? -No change.
-You don't care if a guy's doing his "having sex with a dog" bit.
Long as they don't make me do it, I don't care.
It's justice.
Comedy is the closest thing to justice.
If you're funny, you survive.
If you're not, you don't.
Lenny Schultz, God bless him, you know, he would be doing great now.
I can remember for a time he had a little person in his act.
And his name was Corky.
And he would invite Corky up on stage to sit on his lap.
And.
We'll just let it go at that.
You be the judge.
Is that--? Do you think there was a meeting of little people to decide: "Well, what should we be called?" Do you think they sat around and said, "We gotta get rid of this midget thing.
We need another term of our own choosing.
" Do you think such a meeting ever took place? -Yes, I believe that there was.
-What do you think some of the other? I don't know.
Do you think "fun-size" came into the conversation? I knew you were working on material.
Do you find yourself always trying to be funny and sometimes people just don't wanna be bothered? Yeah, pretty regularly.
-Regularly? -Yeah.
Now, is this about how long you talk to your guests on this show? -No, this is longer.
-Why is that? -I think we're getting on.
-Oh, okay.
I thought you were waiting for something good to happen.
Oh, no.
You ga-- You gave up on that.
Let's get out of here.
Do you wanna check out that hardware store? -Let's see if it has the smell.
-Of course it will.
There it is.
-That's it.
-What is that? I don't know, it's fantastic.
Is someone helping you? -Are you looking for a grill? -No.
Did we pin you in here and you're trying to get out? -Yes.
-She's being held hostage.
Run.
Run for your life, ma'am.
-Bye, thank you.
-Have a great day.
Now here's where the car breaks down, we're stuck here for the rest of the night.
-Do you have the keys, Jerry? -Yeah, I got them.
Could we drive one of your other cars? -Can I pick the car? -Sure.
Okay.
Thanks for that kettle corn.
In addition to being delicious, it was hilarious.
Thank you.
Oh, no, not this.
-No, no, I won't.
-Yeah.
Oh, God, I don't wanna be in this.
Nissan Leaf 100% Electric Car First time I drove it, so quiet I ran over a squirrel.
You really, really don't like riding in this car.
No.
You just wanna burn up as much fossil fuel as you can.
It's like alcohol.
We have a problem with this stuff.
Let's finish it up.
People just make fun of me when they see me in this car.
-And I feel like a putz, you know? -Right.
Do you know what a putz is? Well, I-- Yeah.
-Do you know the word "schmuck"? -Yeah.
So, what's the difference? A schmuck would be a guy riding around with a putz while he's eating kettle corn.
Is that how that breaks out? I'm driving till the red light comes on.
MAIN TITLE Let me show you what we got here.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee will be right back after this brief word from our sponsor.
I was in Montana, and I put my car.
Ran it off the road, put it in a pond.
It's 7 in the morning, it's 15 degrees and it's snowing.
Within 10 minutes, a woman picks me up, takes me to a guy's house-- -You're on your own? -I'm on my own.
-Yeah.
-We're heading back toward the house and I see the guys coming.
I get out, I get in with the guys they hook it up to a chain, they pop it out so the rear end, it is airborne.
They just yanked it out.
Comes flying out.
I said, "Thank you.
" I get back in the car.
-It was tremendous.
-That's tremendous.
Yes, it's just wonderful.
Now, if it had been me, they'd find me dead in the car.
-Right.
It's Misery.
-Yeah.
You're meeting Kathy Bates and getting hobbled.
I love getting hobbled.