Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

- One minute to air, mr.
Aukerman.
- Oh, okay.
Thanks so much--[sneezes.]
- Aw, scott.
It sounds like You're coming down with a cold? - Yeah, kind of sucks, but what can you do, huh? - You can hire a maverick team of doctor scientists To shrink down to microscopic size, Go inside your body, and kill your cold virus.
- What? Who are you? - Name's dr.
Phillip banhauser, And I'm here with my team To make you healthy enough to do your show.
This is my trusted navigator tiberius jones.
- This mission is ill-conceived, risky, And almost certainly gonna kill us all.
In other words, it's right up my alley.
- And this is noted feminist dr.
Sheila.
- I have a phd in microbiology, A master's in gender studies, And a minor in clarinet performance.
But I bet all you see Is a pair of rockin' tits and a perfect ass, you pig.
- Look, this really just Seems unnecessary, okay? - Yeah.
- Why don't I just take some cold medicine? - And risk being drowsy? That's the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard.
Now, let's board the medi-ship 3000 And use shrinkometer qxr To shrink down to microscopic size And zap your virus with our medicine laser.
- It's about time a woman entered a man.
- This chair is squeaky, dirty, uncomfortable.
In other words, it's right up my alley.
- Time to do a little damage.
[laughter.]
- I thought you said the ship was gonna be microscopic.
This is too big.
I can't swallow this.
- Activate the recto-probe.
Set a course for thdark star.
- I'll swallow, I'll swallow.
[dramatic music.]
[soul music.]
- [inhales.]
[whispers.]
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! come bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, reggie watts - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! - [sips.]
Oh.
Hi, there.
Welcome to the show.
We have a great one tonight.
Aziz ansari is here, As well as craft services coordinator Fabrice fabrice.
I'm scott aukerman, And I want the next half hour To just serve as a welcome respite From the hardships of your job As a mall food court short order cook Or as a human resources consultant, Egyptologist, blue angel, Carpenter, or stay-at-home dad.
Let's say hi to our good friend reggie watts.
[techno music.]
Ooh, short one.
Oh, much better.
Thank you so much.
- [chuckles.]
yeah.
- I usually hate to be a name dropper, But you will never guess who I saw last night.
- Who? - Robert.
- Robert who? - De niro.
- [gasps.]
where did you see him? - On tv.
- Wait.
- Yeah, I was watching meet the fockers.
And the thing about bobby Is he is just such a great actor.
- I hate to be a name dropper as well, But, um, I've always wanted to meet george.
- George? - Clooney.
- Oh, so would I.
Oh, you know who does know him though? My good friend denzel.
- Denzel who? - Talvish.
- I've met denzel.
- Oh! - Yeah, through a friend.
- Mm.
- Scott.
- Uh - Scott aukerman.
- Eh? - You.
- Oh, me? [laughs.]
oh, okay, yeah.
[sneezes.]
oh, gosh.
Speaking of famous people, Let's check in with that medi-ship Inside this famous person's body, all right? Dr.
Banhauser, how are you in there? [beeping.]
- We're traveling through your body, scott, Searching for the virus.
- Oh, great.
Well, w? - We're by the thing you think with.
- Oh, my brain? - Think lower, you pig.
- We have the initial results of your diagnostic scan.
Heart rate, normal.
Blood pressure, - Pretty good.
- His sperm is shrunken, sluggish, And completely deformed.
In other words, it's right up my alley.
- Oh, my god.
Funny bone.
Never used.
- That's weird, I swear that I've used this At least once.
Come on, reggie, I'm kind of funny, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Be a little more convincing When I ask you if I'm funny.
- What? Yeah! - Better.
All right, well, it's time for our first guest.
He is the most famous person To have two "z"s in his first name Since buzz aldrin.
Please welcome aziz ansari.
[groovy lounge music.]
Hey.
- Hey.
How are you? - Whoa! - Hey, man.
- Hi, reggie.
- [laughing.]
wow! Amazing.
No one's ever said hello to reggie before.
- No one's ever said hello to reggie? - I noticed, reggie, you didn't say hello back.
- I know, I said, "hey.
" - So "aziz ansari," it's such an interesting name.
"ansari.
" Any relation to fatima or shoukath ansari? - Yeah, those are my parents.
You know them? - That's so crazy.
Yeah, yeah, I know 'em.
Yeah, we're like this.
So what do your parents do? - My dad is a gastroenterologist, And my mother works in his office As, like, the office manager.
- Gastroen-- what is that? - Gastroenterology is a stomach doctor.
- Stomach doctor.
What's, like, the weirdest thing That he's ever taken out of someone's butt? - I don't know, maybe, like, you know, A quarter fell in your grits, And you didn't notice it, and you just take a spoonful.
- And then it's call dr.
Ansari.
- It's--then it's like, "dr.
Ansari, I swallowed a quarter.
I was eating my biscuit, and--" - Let me get that for you.
Bloop! - Wait, so you think he goes up? - He goes up.
I don't think--I don't know.
I think it would be harder to, like - Go down? - Go down a guy.
I think it's just really easy just to be like, "gonna just pop in here for a second.
Bloop.
" - [laughs.]
- Just get it.
Bloop! - So, yeah.
- Let me ask you, And this may sound like a weird question, But when you're doing stand-up, Do you ever get worried that you're gonna Drop the microphone and then trip on it And then fall into a trash can? - No.
There's usually not a trash can on the stage.
- Wow, you've made it, I guess.
- You--you have trash cans? - We have trash cans all over the place.
I don't know, I'm surprised you didn't trip And fall in one on your way out here.
- You know what's crazy is there is the funny bone In indianapolis, the stage is actually inside One of those trash compactors, like, you know, from star wars? - Whoa.
- And daniel tosh Was performing there, and he went over his time limit.
He ran the light, and they squeezed him.
- To death? Wow.
So, aziz, tell me how much twitter Has helped your career in 140 characters or less, And you can use emojis.
- I actually just bought the life rights To the lady with the red dress emoji, The one that's like, "whoo-oo-oo.
" She has, like, a long, red dress.
- What are you gonna do with it? - I'm writing a screenplay about her life, and - What's it called? - It's--it's-- The poster is just that, and it has no title.
- The first movie based on an emoji, Which has a title that is an emoji.
- You know, maybe--maybe in post they can kind of, like, Put these pictures up, so people know what I'm talking about If maybe they don't have emojis, But, so, like, right there.
Jennifer lawrence is gonna play - Wow.
- The red dress.
Dustin hoffman is gonna be this guy, So just throw him up there, And then maybe put a photo of dustin hoffman beside that.
- Amazing.
- So you can just see that.
Blake lively is gonna play this lady, So just throw that up, and throw a photo of blake-- - Love her.
This is a great cast.
This is like the valentine's day of emoji movies.
- You can play the little blonde guy.
- I want to play the hospital.
- Okay.
You can play the hospital.
- Well, cool, means a lot to me.
- Move, move, move! - What? No! Ow.
Don't! - Argh! You can't be putting your hand on mr.
Ansari.
As his personal security team, We enforce a 15-inch space bubble around him at all times! - Wait, we were in the middle of an interview.
I'm just being friendly.
- Friendliness is subjective! Feel free to continue your interview.
Just do not put your hand on the merchandise.
Bring back the merchandise! - Uhh.
Ahh.
- Thanks, donald.
Sorry, scott, I have to have my own security team now.
Can't be too careful these days.
- Oh.
Cool.
All right, well, hey, I saw a picture of you on the red carpet the other day.
You looked very dapper, as usual.
- Oh, thanks.
You look very nice.
What is this, cashmere? - Move, move, move! - No, no, no! Wait, no! Ow! - Agh! Hah! - Oof! - Uhh! A space bubble is a space bubble! - He touched me! - You had plenty of time to dodge it.
I'm watching you, aukerman, And better believe I'ma take you down.
- Ohh.
[grunts.]
- thanks, donald.
[sighs.]
sorry about that, scott.
- Let's just keep going.
So what's your new project? - I'm working on this film Called the taser, where I play A chubby indian guy Who gets mugged, and then he becomes a vigilante Whose only weapon is a taser.
- Yeah.
- I actually brought you a gift.
It's a taser from the movie the taser.
- Cool.
How's it work? - Um, well, there's no battery in there, So, you know, it doesn't work, but-- - Oh, actually, I have a spare battery right here.
So - Oh, okay.
- Let's see.
Oh, look at that.
- It's working.
- Yeah.
Huh.
How's it work? You just kinda, like-- - Just put it-- boom.
- Just like-- - Yeah, that's it right there.
- On here? Cool.
Great gift.
Thank you so much.
- No problem.
- Well, thanks for being here.
- Thanks for having me.
It's cool, guys.
- It's cool? - It's cool.
They're standing down.
- Okay.
Thanks, aziz.
[crack.]
- ow, my bones! - My baby! Go! Go! - Ooh! Ah! - Agh! Throw to commercial, aukerman.
- We'll be right back.
- Play us out, reggie.
- [crying.]
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oww! Oww! Ow! - Yeah.
- Ow! Ow! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hey, scott.
- Mm.
- Remember how my car used to sound Like [imitates sputtering engine.]
- Yeah.
- Well, I got this tune-up, And now it sounds like [vrooms.]
"oh, no, it's the coppers.
They'll never catch me.
" [imitates screeching tires.]
"cliff! Ejector seat!" [imitates ejection.]
"there's a helicopter.
" [imitates helicopter.]
Grab onto the ski.
[imitates thuds, door opening.]
"hey, what are you doing out--" "get me in.
" "are you okay, man?" that's the pilot.
"yeah, I'm okay.
Can you give me a-- Can we close the door?" [imitates helicopter.]
Over my house.
"do you have a spare parachute?" "yeah, here, take this home.
" "okay, thanks.
Here I go.
" [screams.]
[imitates parachute plummeting.]
"cut the cord.
" [imitates impact.]
"where's the remote control? Oh, it's nascar.
" [vrooms.]
Yeah, it's running amazing.
- Great.
- It's not cool, and it's not funny.
Hi.
Welcome back to the show.
We're here with aziz ansari, And coming up on the show Craft service coordinator fabrice fabrice Will be here, so stick around for that.
But, you know, every once in a while, We let reggie here ask our guest a question.
So, reggie, do you have something on deck? - Yeah.
Do you think that cats can be seen in thick fog? - Depends on the thickness of the fog, the size of the cat, The color of the cat, the time of day.
- You missing a cat? - Huh? - All right.
Well, if today's show has taught us anything, It's that bacteria, germs, creepy-crawlies, Call 'em what you will, but we can all get sick, And that's why it's time for a little segment We call "soap or dope.
" [dramatic music.]
I'm here outside bertuzzi's restaurant, Where we've set up some hidden cameras To see who actually washes their hands After they use the bathroom.
Let's take a look.
What's this flushing filly gonna do? Now there's a sudsy superstar.
Soap.
Let's see what this bacteria bandit has in mind.
Uh-oh.
Dope.
Right past the sink.
Dope.
No big deal, you say? Well, take a look at this.
She's found herself in some serious t.
P.
Trouble.
She uses her hands to wipe.
Dope.
Nice.
Check out this faucet jockey.
Soap! Spoke too soon.
Dope.
Let's check back in With the female flush zone.
Smells her fingers.
Eh? Washes her hands in the toilet.
Weirdo.
Let's check back in with the men's mess room.
- [farting.]
- This scatologic skirmish is in full swing.
Is he a washbound warrior? Just water? Eh, good enough for us.
Soap.
Let's see what this guy's gonna do.
- I'll be okay.
[sobbing.]
- Dope.
- Wait a second.
What the--ugh! [water splashes.]
What--what is that thing? One of the ghoulies from the movie the ghoulies? Look, get out of here.
This show is for people.
[ghoulie growls.]
All right, we'll be right back With craft service coordinator fabrice fabrice And more aziz.
- everybody got stuff - it's a lot to behold - All right, well, our next guest Is the craft service coordinator here on comedy bang! Bang! Please welcome fabrice fabrice.
[hip-hop music.]
- Hey.
What's up? - How are you? - Fabrice, thank you so much for coming on the show.
- It's my pleasure to have done so.
Hello, "reg-ee.
" - Craft service, by the way, is catering.
It's--it's--fabrice, you're the person who-- - Yes, I provide all the snacks and tiny waters.
- Fabrice, I've-- I've noticed a few things About your attire, if I may.
- What's that? Uh-huh.
- First of all, you have a tag here that says "love me" - Yeah.
- On it.
- It's a declarative statement.
- Yeah, and then your shirt says-- - It says, "bye.
" good-bye.
- Yeah.
- That's what that means.
- No, I understand what "bye" means.
- And that's when I walked out, I said, "hi.
" I walked out like that.
'cause on the back it says "hi.
" - yeah.
- 'cause you can never catch me.
You can never catch me! - And then I also wanna point out you have a--what is this? Now you have a sticker that says "boring" on your-- - Yeah, I had to turn to you and let you know.
- Yeah.
Can I ask what is that on your neck? The, uh, you have a-- looks like you have a sticker? - This a sticker.
That's-- That's when I meet somebody I like.
I say--I say, "call me.
" Call me on the phone.
- So now, fabrice, how did you get into the craft service game? - I was and still am, even though the show Is no longer in production, Craft service coordinator on that's so raven.
- That's so raven? - And raven acted as an adult woman In all of her dealings throughout the day.
A glamorous princess di for the 20th century.
- I gu--I guess I never got that from that show, but-- - You didn't? - [laughs.]
- It has so many levels to it.
- So that's so raven was your first show.
What other shows have you worked on? - I was the craft services coordinator on lost.
- On lost? Really? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- That's amazing.
What a great show, I mean, what was that like? - You know who lived At the craft services table? - Who? Jack? - The smoke monster.
- The smoke monster? - Yeah, the smoke monster.
That mother[bleep.]
would come in there and grab two handfuls, One of tiny little snickers and one tiny little cheese And then eat 'em togethe and he would scream, "sweet and salty!" And then he would walk out the room Like a crazy little mother[bleep.]
.
I think he was smoking pot in his trailer.
- The smoke monster was a real thing that actu-- - Yeah, the smoke monster was there, And he had an eating problem.
He was a binger and purger.
- Okay.
Yeah.
You know, what I do wanna ask though is what does reggie eat At the craft service table? I've never seen him ting anything.
- I like that reggie-- what he'll do-- Come over-- is he'll grab a paper towel And dip it into almond milk.
And then he'll just Suck on that almond milk--that wet almond milk paper towel.
- Is that accurate? - Yeah.
- Aziz, what's the craft service person That you're used to working with like? - Um, I'd say a little bit more low-key than fabrice.
- [gasps.]
really? - Yeah, I mean, look at-- look at what you're wearing.
Like, w-what is this camo? Is that, like, are you going to war With grimace from mcdonald's? - This is the colors to the baltimore ravens, My favorite football team.
'cause I always go to baltimore ravens games.
- That's your favorite football team? - Yeah.
- You know the baltimore ravens, They're talking about the bird, Not raven-symones.
It's not-- - The team is not entirely composed of raven-symone? - Wait, you've been to every game of theirs - Uh-huh.
- Expecting to see All the team made up of little, tiny raven-symones? - As soon as they take the helmets off, I close my eyes.
- Why's that? - 'cause I don't want the mystery to be broken.
- Um, can I ask you, fabrice, do you have any hobbies? - Oh, I don't know.
Poetry.
- Poet-- you write poetry? - I read and write poetry.
I recite poetry.
- Oh, uh, could we hear one of your poems? - It would be very honorable of me to provide some poetry.
- Okay, reggie, do you have a subject for fabrice? - Yeah, um, marsupials.
- Okay.
- What I like about your poetry Is it's medically, factually correct.
- That's my favorite thing about edgar allan poe.
He said, "scientifically proven--crows are crazy.
" - All right, well, why don't we take a break? When we come back, we'll have more aziz, More fabrice.
Right after this, more comedy bang! Bang! - No more almonds for you.
It makes your farts Smell like bad breath.
- Okay.
All right, well, welcome back to the show.
We're here with aziz ansari and fabrice fabrice.
- Scott! Scott! - Dr.
Banhauser, is that you? - We've reached the virus.
Don't worry.
This will only hurt a little.
Fire the laser! [electrical blips.]
[alarm blaring.]
Damage in all four quadrants.
- I'm bruised.
I'm battered.
Close to death.
Ugh, this kind of thing is not right up my alley.
In other words, it's right up my alley.
- There's no way we can fight this virus.
- Like hell there isn't.
This medi-ship is powered By a nuclear reactor.
And I am gonna pilot it Right into the middle of that virus And blow it back to hell, where it belongs.
There's still room in the escape pods.
Get out.
Get out, while there's still time.
- You jump, we all jump.
[dramatic music.]
- [sneezes.]
Ugh.
This is a huge tragedy.
- [high-pitched voice.]
no! It's a tiny miracle.
- Dr.
Banhauser, you're alive! - Small go tall! - [gasps.]
Doc, hey! Did you take care of everything? - We got rid of the cold, but there were Plenty of other problems we had to ignore.
Your insides are basically polyps, Toes to teeth.
- Oh, my gosh.
What--is that it? - Well, you should consider Massive plastic surgery to your face.
But that's just an opinion, not a diagnosis.
- Dr.
Sheila.
Look, I don't know how to say this, but-- - Don't say anything.
Tiberius, all I want to do is cook and clean for you And have your babies.
- But what about your career? - Who cares? I have a man now.
I have a man now! - This some real drama over here.
[kissing.]
[indistinct chatter.]
- Doc! Where to now? - Wherever there's a toddler with a runny nose, I'll be there.
Wherever there's someone home sick Because they have a slight fever, I'll be there.
Wherever you meet someone who would rather die Than lose their freedom, You look 'em in the eye, scott, And if he has pinkeye, I'll be there.
- Doc, I-- I stopped listening so long ago.
[dramatic rock music.]
[engine revving.]
[tinny thud.]
- The wolf dead.