Comic Book Men s02e02 Episode Script

Ever thought about that? Redesigning, like, a famous character's costume? Yeah, Superman.
I know it's iconic, but it's too loud.
All right, tell me what you would do.
- I'll sketch it up.
- All right, no cape.
No cape.
- No underwear.
- Okay.
Go with the boots, but more like--more combat-like.
What about the symbolic "S"? - Hat, but smaller.
- And a tiny "s.
" Like he dropped a noodle on his chest while he was eating.
Spit curl? Yes, he can keep the spit curl.
This is your ideal cool Vision of super heroics right here.
[laughs.]
yeah, that's it.
Thank God you're not in charge, ming.
[laughs.]
[heroic music.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, The highest-rated cable show On Earth-Two.
I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Okay.
What's going on at the Stash? Some guy came in with five long boxes.
Nice.
So to just get in there and get Your face right smack up in that box And just start perusing.
He's got his face down.
[motorboats.]
[laughter.]
We are still talking about comics, right? [laughter.]
How are you? Somebody came prepared.
I think I got gold in there for you.
I hope so.
Wow.
You looking to sell today? - Definitely.
- Where'd you get these? Oh, I bought them, like, 15 years ago.
Guy was getting married, he was moving out of the city.
Then I put them away in the basement.
- But - Yeah.
There's a lot of meaning in there.
They look like they haven't been touched in decades.
- They haven't.
- [laughs.]
How many you got here? I don't know, looks like $300 in a box I guess? Did you have a price in mind? Maybe like $5,000? - $5,000.
- There's five boxes.
I mean, I'm sure there's something good in there.
Late '60s, early '70s, walt.
And this box looks to be '80s.
Look at how yellow these are.
Whew.
You a smoker by any chance? It smells like, um-- Like the bottom of an ashtray? [laughter.]
They've been buried for 15 years.
Was the collection awesome? Um, potential--it-- - That don't sound good, man.
- The potential was there.
"Did you have an orgasm?" She's like, "well You--you tried.
" [laughter.]
Most of your collection, Unfortunately, is stuff that we can't use.
It's smoke-damaged.
They reek of cigars.
It's irreversible.
So it ain't gold.
Maybe not even copper.
This pile is what we can use.
- Okay, so we're cherry picking.
- Right.
Invincible Iron Man.
This is the first Thanos.
Uh, mint condition, it's worth $104.
Um, this is not in mint condition.
A seal Superman, death of, And some Miller Daredevils.
Despite what they smell like, we could still Sell them with relative ease.
- Mm-hmm.
How much you gonna get with this? I think I could get - $500 to $550 for that pile.
- That's it? It would be a struggle to get rid of the rest the stuff.
Yeah.
I really want to sell the whole thing.
$300.
Nah.
All right, how about $500 the whole lot then? I came in with big numbers in mind.
Everybody does.
"Everybody does.
" [laughter.]
And I think I'll hold on to them.
- All right, man--thanks, man.
- All right.
Thank you, and - I will be back.
- All right.
- Take care, thanks.
- See you later.
Comics and cigarettes don't mix, obviously.
It's a harsh lesson.
Tell me about it.
That's a cautionary tale to people out there listening.
Don't use your comics as a filter, man.
I mean, I guess I don't know any cigar smokers, Or anybody who's like-- [exaggerated laugh.]
"I love this Superman comic.
" This is not a no-smoking lesson.
Kids, smoking will destroy your lungs, But it'll kill your comic books.
[laughter.]
Have a great day, guys.
- You too man.
- Thank you.
Hey, check this out.
There's a live auction.
It says here comics, toys, posters.
We can go in there, get everything, And bring it back to the stash and make a mint.
Now, you know I'm always looking for new ways - To get cool merch for the Stash.
- Mm-hmm.
And I thought I had come up , Public auctions.
I pictured us, like, You know, young, strapping Hip dudes, walking in on a bunch of guys in straw hats.
[laughter.]
you know, we'd come in there, We'd clean the place out And they wouldn't even know what hit them.
Their overalls would be spun on backwas.
You thought the city kids were gonna show the hayseeds [laughter.]
- Yeah.
How to bargain hunt.
[laughter.]
But I'm doing the bidding, though.
Hold on a second.
I'm just as competent as you are to--to do some bidding.
And Mike could make just as much money as you could.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
All right, how about a little wager then? - How about a little competition? - Absolutely.
Two-men teams.
Yes.
So each team will get $500 to spend.
Bid on whatever you see fit, And at the end of the auction We'll come back to the stash And see who got the most value for the $500.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, let's raise the stakes then.
- All right, what? - Grab me that short box.
All right, you know how badly I've been wanting To implement "comic book masterpiece theater" In the Stash, right? - Yeah.
There it is.
Fantastic Four Annual #3.
That's what I'm talking about.
The loser has to reenact - [chuckles.]
The wedding of Mr.
Fantastic and the Invisible Girl.
Of all the comic books you've ever read, The moment that you want to reenact Is Reed and Sue getting married? Yeah, because I know that I'm gonna get One of these guys in drag.
[laughter.]
It's on, then.
You agreed to it.
It's--it's done.
It's d--all right.
No backing out.
Well, you better go shave.
No, you better-- well, you don't-- You better go shave! - [laughs.]
Go get a brazilian for your husband.
You better go shave-- [laughter.]
I do art therapy.
What about that one? That's Hell Warrior.
There's some type of disturbance going on upstairs.
ibelouis Sometimes I wonder, man, Did I just hit the cosmic lottery? Wonderful wife, Two healthy kids, Yo, all of us, really.
We all just hit the cosmic lottery.
- Really? - Didn't we? - I mean, what more-- - Not--maybe the cosmic, Not the genetic.
[laughter.]
- How you guys doing today? - Hi, how are you? I'm all right.
Um Specific comic book.
I think you guys have it.
- Amazing Spider-Man #129? - We do.
Here you go.
This is a pretty key issue.
It's something that I definitely need For my collection, because - Yeah.
I got a few sparse 150, 140s, But I don't have the whole run.
This is the introduction of the antihero.
Probably can be predicated right back I know most people would say, "Moon Knight is Marvel's answer - To batman.
" - Right.
But the Punisher, to me, is kind of more Marvel's answer to Batman, but he's a Batman Who could take it one step further.
Batman won't ever kill, but Punisher Has zero compunction about being, "Scum.
Bang.
" And they created a character that is so badass that he can Wear white go-go boots [laughter.]
And you were-- you still look at him And not snicker when you see him.
[laughter.]
This isn't an easy one to get in high grade.
Exactly.
I was--see, I've been all over.
Like, I've been to a couple of comic book conventions, All the stores out by me on long island, so-- Yeah, what do you do out there? Uh, I do art therapy.
I work at a psychiatric hospital.
But we're painting, or drawing, And because I am a fan of comic books, I even try to incorporate Some of that stuff into what I do.
Oh, so you get somebody to draw a picture, then you-- - Yeah.
- You--that's kind of like, um-- Can analyze it.
What about that one? I just got done doing that one.
- Wow.
- That's Hell Warrior.
See the three sixes? - [laughs.]
most art therapists Looking at this would definitely Suggest that there's some type of Disturbance going on upsa littl.
No, abs--absolutely, they'd be wrong.
Maybe you want to call somebody.
- Don't call a priest.
- [laughs.]
I can't imagine that's the first time that Anyone's ever looked at your drawings and been like, "Is everything okay, Walt?" There actually was a time Uh--I was, like, a junior Or senior in high school, And, um, we had an art project to do.
And the next thing I know, I was sitting In front of a psychiatrist.
[laughter.]
- no! He's also leaving out that He put a dead cat on top of the assignment.
[laughter.]
This is a nice copy, too.
Very fine.
We're asking $450 for it.
Uh, well I was gonna come in starting at around $275.
[groans.]
I would say I could knock That's more than 10%.
Um, I'm gonna go up to $325.
$375, and I could do it.
[sighs.]
$375 is tough.
$365.
- All right, $365.
- $365? - Deal.
- All right, man.
You got a deal.
- Yep, we're good.
You got a great book right there, my friend.
[register whirs.]
It's expensive, But I'm definitely walking out of here a happy man.
That's all that we care about at the Secret Stash.
No, you don't.
I walk out of here upset Every day and you don't care.
[laughter.]
This is the auction? It's on, baby.
Look at all these scavengers here, man.
They're just swarming all over this place.
Remember our strategy.
Be willing to walk away from everything.
- All right, man.
Let's grab our spots.
It's go time.
X-Men, #94.
$25 to go.
$75, $85, $95, $105, $150, $170, $180! Last call.
- Booyah! When I was a kid, My family took a driving vacation down to florida.
We borrowed this '70s van, Almost like a porno van.
[laughter.]
But the van had a frazetta painting across the side, Who was wearing very little clothing, And she was very busty.
So, this family of five catholics driving around [laughter.]
in this van with, like, big, Big boobs.
So, we're driving, In the rearview, pull us over.
The cop said, "do you know you were involved In a hit and run accident?" And my father was like, "no.
What-- What are you talking about?" and this is what happened.
This old man-- he was about 65 years old-- He's driving.
He comes up next to our van, And he just man Drawn on the side, and he bumped into our van.
[laughter.]
we didn't even feel it, man.
So when the guy explained it, the cop goes, "well, this is your fault," and he's just like, "well, they shouldn't have this filth on the van.
" And my mother was like, "I agree with you! It should be on the van!" We all set? All right, here we go.
The auctioneer steps out.
And I'm itching like I got a 100-year-old itch to scratch.
- Yes.
- For stuff that's gonna Evaluate higher later on.
- Yes.
So I'm thinking, "just go for the obvious.
" Gold bricks, uh, diamonds [laughter.]
Uh, real estate on the pacific shores.
- Right.
- Things like this.
- Steady, steady.
- [laughs.]
Don't let him rattle you.
Trying to get $5, $5, looking for $5, $5, $7.
50, $7.
50, now $10, $10, [auctioneering.]
$10! $10, sir.
Thank you for takin' my $10.
$10, $10, someone to have at $10, $10, [unintelligible auctioneering patter.]
What the hell? [laughter.]
The amazing thing about somebody who can talk that fast, You're just - Yeah.
I wondered if they have to practice, Or is this just a natural talent Where this dude, like, speaks in tongues.
I mean, it took you back to, like, In the simpler era, man, Pre-tv, pre-internet, Pre-radio even, man, it was just-- People would gather around auctioneers To them talk fast.
The good old days.
$10 on that Flea Circus.
Taking it at $10, $10, $15.
[auctioneering.]
For the Flea Circus? [laughter.]
[auctioneering.]
$10, $10, $15? Sold, $10! - Yeah, all right.
- Thanks for coming, sir.
Buyer number 244, 244.
- Thank you.
- Abbie an' Slats, comic strip.
Can I get $15, $15, get $15, $15, $15! $20.
$20, $20, can I get $20, $20, Now $25, $25, putting up at $25! Sold for $20.
Nice buy, sir.
- That's us.
- Yeah.
- You won? - Yeah! When I was a kid, I went to an auction.
One of the items they brought up was the mego Planet of the apes dolls.
And it was like $5, and I said, "$10!" And nobody else overbid, so I won.
And I went up to get it, And they were like, "$10!" That part I didn't know about.
[laughter.]
had no money.
Well, what happened? What did they do to you when you didn't have the money? - 'cause I said, "hold on.
" And I picked it up off the counter And made it seem like, "I'll be right back with it.
" But then I just left.
[laughter.]
- X-Men, #94.
$25 to go.
$25, $35, who has it at $45, $45, $55, $55, $65, $75, $75, $85, $95, $105, $115, $125, $150, $175, [auctioneering.]
$170, $180, $170, $180? Last call.
Sold, $170 there, buyer number 236, 236.
Booyah! [laughter.]
Good afternoon, guys.
How'd your expedition go? Well, take a look.
Two piles, right? Two teams? - Two piles, two teams.
- Yes.
Okay, Bryan and Walt.
Giant-size X-Men 1, X-Men 94.
These books are probably the most key issues.
- Yes.
- What you have to pay for this? $190.
I sell this all the time Between $350 and $450.
- Nice.
- Easy double.
Well, from what I can see, Mike and Ming Got a lot of crap.
Flea Circus.
I had this toy when I was a kid.
Tell me about it.
It doesn't look complete.
Yes! Ha ha! [laughter.]
Now this is really nice.
- Original? - Yes.
Obviously hung in someone's bathroom for a long time.
- [chuckles.]
- Probably by the shower.
What'd you have to pay for this? - $25.
- Eh, it's a fair price.
There's room.
You could make money off that.
Pfft.
- What's up with this? - What, Abbie an' Slats.
You don't-- you don't know it? - Raeburn van buren.
- What? This guy is a-a recognized artist.
- What'd you pay for this? - $25.
I've seen this sell for as much as $300, $325.
The very famous Abbie an' Slats! I've never even heard of-- True.
That's why we get it for a song, by the way.
'cause no one's heard of it! [laughter.]
But, still, it's original art.
They ain't making no more of it.
And, you know, it's-- it's a good investment.
The winner is I now pronounce you Mr.
and Mr.
Fantastic.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Mike and Ming, even with all the crap, You got some gems in there.
Really nice items.
Job well done.
- Bryan and Walt, You bought some really nice books.
Key issues.
The winner is - Walt and Bryan! - Oh! [shouting, laughing.]
- No way! No way.
I know what it feels like To win the Stanley Cup or the Super Bowl.
[laughter.]
- And as soon as they lost, The back-biting started, like, blaming each other.
It was all your fault.
[laughter.]
How in the [bleep.]
is this my fault? You see a couple stare being in your futuree.
[laughter.]
Why didn't you buy better stuff? Who the [bleep.]
was holding the paddle For the first half hour? Well, you had it for the last half hour.
And I got [bleep.]
for 5 bucks! You moron! [hysterical laughter.]
You remember what the bet was, right? The loser had to reenact the wedding Of Reed Richards and Sue Storm.
We figured we'd have it right at the Stash, man.
And what is the Stash, But a cathedral for comic book fans? I agree, man.
You did do it in a church.
You did it in our church.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, One of the greatest moments in comic book history, The wedding of Reed Richards and Susan Storm.
[applause.]
[wedding March music.]
Oh, my God.
[mutters indistinctly.]
[laughter.]
And from the back of the store - Steps a vision of beauty - Pfft.
And grace.
[laughter.]
Yeah, we gave him the most bluest blue of lips.
Did she even wear blue in the comics? No, but-- [laughter.]
It wasn't humiliating enough Putting you in a dress, they're like, "We're gonna do other stuff to you as well.
" [laughter.]
Quet of flowers, But the flowers are made out of comics.
Like, we had sculpted-- - aw, that's actually pretty.
Well done, man.
You should have been a wedding planner.
[laughter.]
Okay.
[laughs.]
Reed Would you recite your vows to Sue? What vows? What the hell are you talking about? - These.
You're covered.
- I am not reading this.
It's your big day, I didn't want you to--any pressure.
- Come on, man.
- [groans.]
"from the moment you made the completely idiotic bid "on an incomplete flea circus game, I knew you'd be mine.
" - [giggling.]
"Sue, I promise to shake the Baxter building's foundation "with thrice-nightly cosmic love-making.
I vow to use my stretchy parts To tantalize and tease your negative zone.
" [laughter.]
Sue, it's now time.
[exhales sharply.]
"I love you, Mike.
" [Laughter.]
I mean Reed, I mean Reed.
"I love you, Reed.
"ever since you reached in and snatched me from my cradle, I knew you were the one for me.
" [laughter.]
"I vow, Reed, that I will Love you even after your rubbery bits go forever flaccid.
" - The ring, please.
- [laughs.]
I now pronounce you Mr.
and Mr.
Fantastic! You may kiss the bride.
It's slobberin' time.
That's enough.
That's enough.
[cheers and applause.]
There, you're all going to hell.
I mean, what happens now? Did you tell your wife? Did you tell your wife? - No.
- No, me either.
I think they're still trying figure out How to break it to them.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Niagara Falls? The Poconos? Where are those two going? I don't know.
They gave me a week's notice, And you know what? Let the boys have fun.
[clapping, whistling.]
And I guess that's gonna wrap it up for another Surprisingly romantic episode of Comic Book Men.
[laughter.]
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Zapcic-Chen.
[laughter.]
Happy wife, happy life, kids.