Cooper's Bar (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
(Cooper sniffing, sighing)
(percussive music)
(cell phone chiming)
- We need to respond
to Kris Latimer.
She says she's taking
the money offered down
$1,500 every hour
we don't get back.
- I say, we tell her
to go (bleep)herself.
- Cooper, this is 25 grand.
- It's not enough, Dave,
for my freaking life rights,
and she's planning
on squeezing me out,
which means you and
Brandon are out, too.
- Not if we go with the plan
that's just been hatched
by Cooper's newly
promoted director
of social media
content creation.
- Oh, that really chips
off the tongue, Brandon.
- I just met with Billy
Canasta, you know,
the crazy nail kid
from the other night.
I convinced him to come here
to shoot a bunch of social
media stories in Cooper's Bar.
- Like a commercial!
Cha-ching.
- There's no cash in it, Cooper.
- A commercial that doesn't pay.
- We do the Billy Canasta post.
It'll be like proof of concept.
Then when it goes
viral, Kris Latimer
will be beatin' down your
door to play Cooper Marino.
- This sounds like
a terrible idea
- David, you can direct it.
- Oh, let's do it!
(Brandon laughing)
(hands slapping)
(mellow music)
And action!
(Cooper and Billy laughing)
- Hi, I'm Billy Canasta
from "Who's Got Crabs?"
Where's the canasta deck?
- Cut it there.
- David, please.
You said this would
take 45 minutes.
I have a client coming-
- Wait a second.
- Brandon, brah,
you promised there would be a
canasta deck behind the bar.
- Yeah, it's, it's
behind the bar
- Where people can see it!
- Cooper's isn't
really a skate bar.
- Come on, Cooper.
This product integration
is what it takes
to get something made.
Chillax.
- Chillax?
- Are we okay?
All right, good.
Okay, let's go again.
Roll sound.
- Rolling.
On forever.
- Look, I, I don't know
about this anymore.
I'm just, like, not feeling it.
Something about this is
just like so old-fashioned.
- You mean like Cooper's
busted up twinkly lights?
- They're vintage
- Old and broken does
not mean vintage, bro.
- Well, we're just trying
to catch the essence
of Cooper's Bar, brah.
- Yeah, bro, the essence
is kind of moldy.
Let's move some of
those palm trees
in front of this
tatty furniture.
- Excuse me, Bard Spice.
Those are from Barbara
Streisand's yard sale.
You who what Barbara
Streisand is?
- Yeah, she played
Seth Rogan's mom.
Look, no offense, man, but,
like, the way you act today
in contemporary media
is you don't act.
Do you get that?
Like you just, you
just gotta be yourself.
It's all about authenticity.
- Authenticity.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay, what?
So what, I should
bleach my teeth as white
as a toilet bowl, or
paint my fingernails?
- Man, I look delicious.
- And I look like a merch kiosk.
Is this what you call authentic?
- Coop, Coop, if you
can fake authenticity,
you're money, baby.
- You can't argue
with the likes.
Look, if you don't have the
chops to play the bartender
it's not that big a deal.
- The chops?
So just the, the, the chops?
I don't play the bartender;
I am the bartender.
And you know what the best part
about being the bartender is?
Tossing losers like you
who stink up the joint.
Now get the hell outta here.
- Can I put this down now?
- Yeah.
I'd rather sell suppositories
on the One America Network.
(horn tooting)
- Hi, I'm Billy Canasta
from "Who's Got Crabs?"
Hey, Coop.
- Can't even play myself in
a shitty social media post.
- Billy stole all my ideas.
- I'm destined to
be an Uber driver.
- No.
Let's call Antonia
at the studio.
There's gotta be a
way to get around Kris
and straight to Cyrus Long.
- That would be career suicide.
- You don't have a career.
- Let's do it.
(suspenseful music)
(inquisitive music)
- Cooper!
God damn it!
I cannot come out of a
full day of sessions,
find the kitchen looking
like a slaughterhouse.
What is all this?
- It's a chicken
wing challenge kit.
A rep from Smitty's
dropped it by.
- Why?
- They saw the Cooper's
Bar social media bullshit.
And get this, they
wanna partner with us
to open a bar and wings
joint in downtown Buffalo:
Cooper's Bar and Ultimate Wings.
- Are you for real?
- I, I think so.
They're sending a
contract over tonight.
- Tonight?
And you wanna do this so
we can go back to Buffalo?
- Yeah, I think so, if
the deal looks good.
You and me.
(Mary laughing)
We'll be walking in Caz Park,
dining on Elwood Avenue, the
gorgeous billowing snowfall,
like a pillow to
lay your head upon.
- Cooper, you're
for real this time.
- Yeah.
- But what about
your television show?
- Is that ever gonna happen?
Really, this business?
I have a resume from here
to Glendale Boulevard.
It means nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
We have a real chance
here to get out
and make a fresh
start in Buffalo.
- Just like that, huh?
- Without even notifying your
head of social media, Cooper?
Oh snap, there's a
wing challenge tonight?
I'm gonna get a saucer of milk.
You know, milk, not
water, is the key
to your mouth not overheating.
- I actually prefer
bread, personally.
Okay, ow, the Devil's Triangle.
Brutal, but nothing
compared to the Homewrecker.
And just when you think
you're out of the woods
and it hits you like, boom!
The Perineum Ripper
lays you out.
- Cooper, please.
You gotta clean yourself up.
Antonia's coming.
- Cooper just said
he doesn't wanna do
this goddam television
show, David.
- She's bringing the head
of the bloody studio,
Cyrus Long.
(Cooper gulping)
She said that he's
open to discussing
the role of Cooper Marino.
- Really?
- Antonia convinced
him that if he sees you
in your natural setting, he's
gonna cast you in an instant.
They're gonna be
here any second.
- Honey, is it okay?
Just, just this one last shot.
Shit, what, what do I do?
- Just be yourself, Cooper.
That's what we're
trying to sell, okay?
(dramatic music)
(dramatic musical sting)
- Hey, how you doing?
Brandon Washington, army
of the unwanted, writer.
- (scoffing) This
place is absurd.
- (laughing) Right?
Yeah, blue collar antidote
to the evils of effete
Hollywood elitism.
There's an audience for this
version, I'm telling you.
- Mr. Long, can I interest
you in a taste of my hometown,
Buffalo, New York?
- Hmm, let's see.
(chicken crunching)
Mmm.
Oh, it's delicious.
My fourth wife was from Buffalo.
She made the two before
her look atrocious.
(Antonia laughing)
(all laughing nervously)
- So where's our star?
- Oh, he's right here.
Cyrus.
Oh, hi Antonia.
You haven't been returning
my calls, or my emails,
or my texts, but I
see you've found time
to bring the head of the
studio to the Muppet reunion.
Cyrus, this is who
Antonia wants to cast
in the lead of our show.
- Antonia, I really wish
you had shown these to me
before you dragged me down here.
This man, this is a clown.
- Mmm.
- This is like a
dancing monkey for hire.
You see, when we're
talking about authenticity,
we're imagining
we plucked someone
from their natural habitat
and they step into
the role, right Kris?
- Yes, oh yes, right.
Like Amy Schumer.
- Right, or like
that bartender guy,
the, you know,
chubby, balding guy,
looked like a
retired taxi driver.
Where'd he go?
The one with the
wings, and whatnot.
- Um, I'm right here, Mr. Long.
- (laughing) Right, like that.
Right, Kris?
- Brilliant idea, Cyrus.
I mean, you, you've
got such an eye.
- It's a wonderful idea.
Yeah, I'm, I'm David Butler.
I'm the director of the pilot.
I read that you
studied at Cambridge.
I went there.
- Really?
- For a weekend, yeah.
- David, I am calling
an Uber for Antonia.
Why don't you open your app
and you might make
rent this month.
- I'm with Postmates these days.
- Okay, well Cyrus,
I've already cut Amy
Schumer in a holding deal.
Let's just blow out of here
and exercise our option.
- Humor me.
Mr. Bartender, I'd like
to hear you do a line,
something like, I don't know,
"Hi, I'm Cooper Marino."
What's your name by the way?
- I'm Cooper Marino.
- (laughing) So real.
You know, if I were to
cast this troglodyte
as Cooper Marino, this show
would be a massive success.
- Cyrus, genius!
And, and, and only you
have the stones for this.
I mean, Cooper's Bar
could be your legacy.
- Can you just stop it, Antonia?
Does your busboy even want this?
Let me read you a
little text I got
from our overaged
dinner theater actor.
Here we go.
"Hollywood can go (bleep) itself
"so I can move back to
Buffalo and open a bar."
Would someone who really
wants it write that?
(percussive music)
- I would do anything
to play this part.
- Cyrus, listen, you
hired me to always speak
the unvarnished truth,
and this man is no
match for Amy Schumer.
- Oh, come on!
Amy Schumer is like a
multimillionaire Hollywood star.
She wouldn't be caught dead
in a place like Cooper's Bar.
- So what?
- Cyrus Cyrus, you're always
preaching about authenticity.
What is more authentic
than an authentic bartender
playing the part
of Cooper Marino?
- Yes, well, an authentic
bartender eating authentic wings
is really something to
behold, isn't it Kris?
- My god.
- Jesus Christ.
Any schmo from Bugtussle can
eat a gnarly buffalo wing.
- I was really hoping
you'd say that.
(chicken crunching)
(foreboding music)
(Cyrus chuckling)
- All right, I see you.
But that's kid stuff.
Can you handle the heat?
- Ripping perineums is
what I do for a living.
- It's true.
And she's good at it.
But does Mr. Barman have
the cojones for this?
- Are you kidding me?
I got this.
- It is on.
If the barman can
outlast Kris Latimer
in the hot wing challenge,
then the role is his.
- What?
(bleep) you, Cyrus.
Okay.
Okay.
After I whoop his
ass, Antonia is fired,
Amy gets the role,
and I personally get
to own 10% of the show.
- It's a deal.
(frightening music)
(glamorous music)
(patrons chattering)
- I've got your bread,
he's got your milk,
and I've got your sick bag.
Just 10 wings stand between you
and career resurrection, Coops.
- And never forget
to go to the body.
Throw short hooks, short
upper cuts, then bing,
jab to the head.
- She'll never make
it past number five.
A Little Death is tough, but
I've seen Silent but Deadly
take out lumberjacks.
- Mommy.
(bell dinging)
(spectators chattering)
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
(Kris and Cooper
crunching and slurping)
- [Spectator] Yes!
- [Spectator] You
can get it, Coop.
(spectators cheering)
- Come on!
(dreamy music)
(dreamy music continues)
(spectators cheering)
(plates clinking)
(Kris and Cooper slurping)
(Cooper groaning)
(spectators cheering)
- You said you'd got this.
- Sure, one through six.
I've only tasted seven and
eight under the influence.
But nine and 10, I've never
seen anyone survive that.
- You got it.
You're so there.
You're so there.
(spectators cheering)
(Kris exhaling loudly)
(spectators chattering)
- [Spectator] Show
you what she's got.
(food crunching)
- Hot!
(spectators shouting
encouragement)
- What you got?
He's sick.
He's struggling.
He's struggling right now.
Look at him.
He's gonna fold.
He's gonna fold.
- [Spectator] Come on.
- [Spectator] Come on, Cooper.
- [Spectator] Come on.
- [Spectator] Come on, Cooper.
- [Spectator] Look at him.
- [Spectator] Come on, Cooper!
(wing crunching)
- [Spectator] No, no, no!
- [Spectator] Come on, come
on, come on, come on, Coop.
- You got it, you got it.
Your dream.
It's everything you wanted.
- [Spectator] Somebody,
call the ambulance.
- Mmm.
(Cooper speaking
foreign language)
- [Spectators] No!
(spectators cheering)
(Cooper groaning)
- Are you kidding me?
- [Spectator] Come on,
Kris, you got this.
Kris, you got this.
- [Spectator] One more!
(spectators shouting
encouragement)
- [Spectator] Let's
go, Kris, come on!
- One more!
One more!
Come on!
You got it!
It's nothing' to you.
Yeah!
Yeah!
You got it!
No!
No!
(body thuds)
(spectators shouting)
(victorious music)
- And the barman gets the role.
- [Spectators] Cooper!
Cooper!
Cooper!
- Wait, his name's?
Whatever.
Antonia, contract.
All right.
- No!
Wait, it's mine!
- Kris, you're fired.
And Tony is gonna be
running the show now.
- [Spectator] Cooper, Cooper,
Cooper, Cooper, Cooper!
- [Kris] Piss Cooper!
- [Spectators] Cooper,
Cooper, Cooper!
Cooper, Cooper, Cooper!
- Can I pour you a
goblet o' cabernet?
- [Spectators] Cooper,
Cooper, Cooper!
(mellow music)
- [Brandon] Just
got green-lit, Coop.
- It's just a pilot.
- You never know.
Could be on for seven seasons.
- Seven more years in Los
Angeles? (sucking teeth)
(cell phone chiming)
- Holy cannoli.
We got the contract for the
bar in Buffalo. (laughing)
- Oh!
- A show and a branch of
Coopers in your hometown.
Your cup has runneth over.
- What are you talking about?
You signed a deal
with Cyrus Long.
- For a TV show.
This is to franchise a bar.
- Do you not read contracts
before you sign them?
No?
Just, you just sign?
Section 4B.
- "Licensee hereby assigns
all ancillary rights
"herein existing or unknown,
including brick and mortar
"franchises of Cooper's Bar."
- "Shall remain the
sole and exclusive right
"of licensure
herein," wait, what?
- [David] What the
(bleep) does that mean?
- The studio owns the bar.
- [All] The studio owns the bar?
(quick music)
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is something more than I want ♪