Coupling (2000) s02e02 Episode Script

You won't admit you love me And so How am I ever To know You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps of course, for reproduction, of recreation and release.
That's true.
deprived of sex, The build-up of testosterone behavioral side effects.
That's also true.
of societal norms, can be viewed As a necessity for men.
Very, very true,|actually.
of this primal compulsion, Many in fact, most men regular masturbation a stable sexual relationship.
No!|Disaster! I know.
Perfect.
|Brilliant! I know.
Charlie Dimmock.
What? Oh, nothing.
I can't believe they put stuff like that On television.
It's irresponsible.
It's like all those sex scenes|when you were a kid they were always timed|for maximum embarrassment.
BBC bastards! You thought the BBC were trying|to embarrass you with sex scenes? I swear.
I thought the TV|was plotting against me.
I'd be in my bedroom|watching a film, And it's just a couple|having dinner, or or a detective|solving a crime.
It's all perfectly innocent, And as soon as my dad|comes up the stairs, Suddenly it's all baby oil|and nipples.
Every time! I thought every actress|in the country Was programmed|to expose her breasts The moment my father|reached a certain altitude.
So did you ask? If he still|you know.
Goes solo.
I didn't want to ask.
I had no interest|in asking.
But all I could hear|was me sitting there Not asking.
It was so obvious.
He does though,|doesn't he? He's a man.
It's not just a right hand,|it's a whole relationship.
Michael Aspel.
|Where? Oh, no, he's not here.
Then why did you|just say his name? It doesn't matter.
Anthea Turner.
Jane, please.
|What are you doing? I've developed|a new talent.
A new talent? Last wednesday|it just arrived.
Amazing, isn't it? What is this new talent? Just by looking at someone, I can determine|their ideal celebrity friend.
Point is men can't be allowed|solo access to their erections.
They're not like us.
They've only got so many|goes in them per day.
I know.
But Steve needs|his Mariella moment.
Fern britten.
Sorry? That's yours.
|Fern britten.
Why fern? Assertive, intelligent,|successful woman, But with a larger bottom|than you! You're good.
I know! Mariella moment? Did she ask? You know ask? If you still you know Frostrup.
Frostrup?! Yeah.
Steve's whole|fantasy life revolves around Mariella Frostrup.
Jeff, please.
If he ever meets|Mariella Frostrup in person, His right hand will shout,|"mother"! Jeff! It'd be like, you know,|the end of E.
T.
When he saw the spaceship.
There'll be organ music.
Thank you for|clearing that up, Jeff.
Hey organ music! Yes, Jeff.
So, did she ask|about your, uh Frostruping? She didn't have to ask|the actual question, did she? It was just there.
Of course it was.
It's out there,|it's circling.
We're sitting there in silence|and there it is, Just throbbing in the air|between us.
Wasn't that a bit tactless? The question was throbbing,|Patrick.
Like an|accusation.
Exactly.
You're choking|the chicken.
You're strangling the python.
You're shaking|the caravan, Jeffrey.
Uh sorry, i, uh|drifted off a bit there.
Family holidays, eh? God, they went on a bit,|didn't they? often maintaining|societal structures it's not a big deal.
|I don't mind.
But the silence is just|getting longer and longer.
So what happened? Valerie Singleton! I'm sorry?|Your celebrity match, Valerie Singleton.
You can be all sensible|and organized together, And make lots of lists.
I can see that.
It's uncanny,|isn't it? I'm thinking|of writing a book "how to target and befriend|the right celebrity.
" Really? You've got to use|the right techniques.
Slipping the mobile,|for instance.
That's a good one.
What's that, then? You accidentally on purpose|slip your mobile phone Into a celebrity's pocket.
Then you ring them up,|saying you've lost your phone, And you meet up|for a lovely chat.
That's clever,|actually.
Yeah except I've had to give up|owning a mobile.
I had my last three blown up|by prince William's security.
So you want|to write a book About how to stalk|celebrities? It's not stalking in my case.
I'm a celebrity myself.
Jane, you report traffic|congestion on local radio.
Anyway, I don't recommend|actual stalking.
That's best left|as a threat.
You know, with your|real unapproachables, Like Lorraine Lelly|and Salman Rushdie.
Salman Rushdie? I had a real thing for him.
But he's such a tricky one|to track down.
I had to use|my full range of techniques.
There was a fatwa on him.
He was sentenced to death|by the Ayatollah.
I know.
|It got so out of hand.
Speaking of|getting out of hand, What happened with Steve? Have you ever been|so self-conscious You've forgotten|how to breathe regularly? Oh, yeah, sure.
It's like when|you're sitting on a bus And there's this woman that's the worst.
I can't move! I'm totally clenched! If I'd have stood up,|I'd have taken the sofa.
I could feel him|getting tenser and tenser.
Which would've been fine|it would've been okay, except what? Have you ever seen Steve Trying to seem relaxed? I was just|trying to seem relaxed.
I had a moment of madness.
What did you do? What are you doing? What? Why are you whistling? J- Just felt like some music.
So you whistled? It's an option.
Why don't you go|put on a CD or something? I'm not in the mood|for a whole CD.
Sometimes you want|a full orchestra And sometimes you|just want a quick whistle? Apparently.
What are you|so annoyed about? Who said|I was annoyed? You only say "apparently" When you're really annoyed|about something.
Look, I don't mind|you whistling, okay? Everybody whistles now and again particularly men.
|It's perfectly natural.
Right.
As long as you don't get|"whistled" out.
Subtle.
|Very.
Blunt!|Evil! By the way,|I've invited my parents For a late supper|on wednesday night, Here, if that's okay.
Don't worry,|I'll cook.
Y- Your parents.
|Great.
That'll be great.
What's so bad about her parents? Wednesday|that's tonight.
I'm just getting up|the courage, mate.
Why? What do her parents do? They talk about sex.
No! They're incredibly open|about everything.
The whole family is.
|Susan, too.
They talk about sex like|it's a completely normal thing.
Are they insane? Parents have no business|talking about sex.
It's not their area.
It's disgusting.
|Oh like when you find|your dad's magazines.
Exactly! Or you hear your parents|doing it.
Oh, yeah,|I've been there.
Or your mother starts making|enormous sculptures of erections And filling the house with them.
That's what I hate! I'm sorry? Tons of the bastards, All over the place.
Some of them|were huge! We had to keep one of them|in the garden shed.
You grew up in a house|full of erections? My mum said it was|a celebration of love.
Of love? That's a bit of a leap.
She used to keep the ones|that had gone wrong in a box under my bed.
Trust me, you don't want|to know about my nightmares.
I went out with a girl once|who made a sculpture of you know junior Patrick.
Junior Patrick? You call it|"junior Patrick"? Yeah.
She said it was|her best-ever model.
She said she'd never had|to use so much material.
Yeah, okay.
|We know.
There's big,|there's balance problem and there's|bazooka man! Not one to boast, boys, But she said that|in all her years of sculpting, She'd never had so much room|for the battery compartment.
Battery compartment?|In a sculpture? Yeah.
I always meant|to ask her about that.
As soon as she finished,|I never saw her again.
Right.
Last I heard She started up some sort|of mail-order company.
You know what, though? She'd misspelled "mail.
" I think you|may have been had, mate.
And a lot more often|than you realize.
I think my time is up.
Hey just passing.
Thought I'd check|you hadn't forgotten.
Of course,|I haven't forgotten.
How can anyone|forget your parents? What'd you mean by that? Nothing.
You're parents are great.
They're really great.
Good.
|Great! Well, we should be going.
Fantastic.
I'm just going to pop|to the loo.
I hope there's|a lock on the door.
You know.
You wouldn't want to|have to whistle or anything.
Yes, you're looking|very nice today, Sally.
But I'm sure I'll manage|to contain my excitement.
Good.
Is something wrong? It's just my stockings.
Oh, are you wearing|stockings, too? Come on! I'm just going|to the loo, for god's sake.
Sally isn't wearing stockings.
I happen to know she's wearing|tights and thermal pants.
Okay.
That's just|one step too far! All right.
|Here's the deal.
I'm going to the loo, okay? Nothing's gonna happen here|that's going to cause me To lose control.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
|Are you okay? Um I've got my drink|all down you.
I really am sorry.
|You're soaking.
Oh! It's her, isn't it? E.
T.
Phone home! No, no I'm fine, really.
I've completely soaked|your trousers.
Don't worry about it.
I was about to go|to the toilet anyway.
Not that I was intending to|wet my trousers, obviously.
Although I am|pleased to meet you.
Right I- I'm Steve, by the way.
Hello, Steve.
Oh! And this is|my girlfriend Susan! Who? Oh, yes! Uh, this is Susan! Hi, Susan.
My girlfriend.
Right.
Well, uh|good to meet you.
Sorry again.
Uh look, I we'll talk about it later.
|Right.
At length.
|Yes.
Oh he forgot her name.
He forgot|to go to the loo.
I know.
You'd think he'd want|a last look at them.
Jane? Mariella Frostrup Is so me.
You got a plan|to meet her, then? There's always a way, Sally.
Always.
Right.
|Here we go, then.
Susan's just in the|kitchen doing all that well, you know, whatever it|is she does in the kitchen.
great.
I can see Susan's been|making her mark here.
Well, you know how it is.
She spends rather a lot of time|here these days, doesn't she? Most of the time, really.
Well, you know oh, we know naughty, naughty.
Oh, yes, we're naughty.
We're ever so naughty.
Well, I mean, fairly naughty.
Uh, actually, probably|about medium naughty.
Well, medium to fairly,|I'd say.
It's great how we can Talk about these things,|isn't it? I mean, being so open.
|It's really great.
There's no point in|being all prissy, is there? Absolutely not.
|Prissy I hate that.
So, Susan tells us|you've started doing solos.
Um her dad's just the same,|aren't you dear? Well, no harm in it,|is there, Steve? Well, no|no, no, of course not.
Exactly.
It's p-perfectly natural.
Of course it is.
I've always said to Susan, If you're going to|live with a man, You've got to get used to|all his funny little habits.
Oh, right.
Good.
You okay, Steve?|Yes, yes.
It's just|you look a little unrelaxed.
No, no.
Not at all.
|Not me.
I mean,|you know what they say, If music be the food of love, Then masturbation is just|a snack between meals.
I mean we all do it,|don't we? I do.
That's for sure.
I mean, I get turned on|if I see my right hand naked.
How are we all|doing in here? We're just getting relaxed.
Just having|a good ol' relaxed chat.
I was just|telling mom and dad How you've started|whistling to yourself.
Dad's just the same,|aren't you dad? Yes, I am.
I whistle.
Yes, he whistles tunes solo.
Back in a moment.
Um Susan probably|needs a hand.
Not as much as you do.
Apparently.
Oh, I know her.
And her.
over here.
They're not|really lesbians.
Trust me.
Okay, what do you think? What am I supposed|to be looking for? That's me.
The one at the back,|that's mine.
Whoa I don't believe it.
I've been sold.
She sold me as a sex aid.
You sure that's you? I mean all of it? Excuse me.
Um could we have a closer look|at one of these, please? Which one? Right at|the back there.
The scary one.
Oh, the junior Patrick.
You're Mariella Frostrup.
Yes, I know.
What a coincidence.
I'm sorry? I'm in the business, too.
Really? So that's a coincidence,|isn't it? What do you do? I deal mostly|with traffic issues.
Oh, you're more show biz,|though, aren't you? Well, and panorama.
Well, yes, panorama.
|I'm really pleased to see you Tackling more serious|journalism these days.
Thank you.
I quite often have to handle|the north circular myself.
When you say "traffic" issues well, I mean|I report on traffic from a helicopter.
Quite a big one.
I see it very much|as a stepping stone.
But in the meantime it's a|real chance to influence traffic.
Traffic? It's great,|actually.
I tell a few little fibs, And, suddenly, I've got|a very easy drive home.
And once a month I get to really take|it out on the A-40.
I always say|what other job, Outside of a nuclear submarine, Allows you to work off|your pmt on a whole city! Maybe it's just the name, Maybe she just named it|after you.
I don't know.
|It's very similar.
Even that bit? Definitely that bit.
Wow.
So you guys gonna|buy this or what? Ha ha ha ha! We're not buying it.
We're not buying it|together or anything.
No, it's a gift.
|It's a gift.
For someone else|who is not us.
A completely different person.
A woman person.
We know lots|of those.
In fact, I want it gift-wrapped.
It's a gift.
|I'd like it wrapped like a gift.
|Okay? Do you want to start an|account with us? No, thank you.
We can give you a code|name.
It's very discreet.
No, it's not necessary.
Yeah.
We don't|need accounts.
We don't need code names.
So just wrap that,|will you? Certainly.
This lots to be sent off|to "caravan shaker.
" Out the back.
Oh, for god's sake!|I'm sorry.
But you're gonna|have to go! I don't understand!|What did I say? You know perfectly well|what you said! It was completely|out of line! I i there is openness, And then there is openness.
You overstepped the line! I really don't understand! It's just better if we|bring the evening to an end.
Thank you!|Good night! This is ridiculous! The boy's gone mad! Ha ha! I'm sorry but that was|completely out of line.
Did you hear|what he just said? Yes, I heard what he said.
First of all, He spend all evening|winding me up about Whistling, About how I'll tire out|my lips if I whistle too much.
He just meant whistling.
Actual whistling.
|He was embarrassed.
He was trying to make jokes.
But you heard what he said just then.
Yes, I did.
"All that whistling by the time Susan gets home,|you'll be too tired to " Well, actually, I don't want to|use the word he used.
"Pucker.
" By the time Susan gets home, You'll be too tired|to pucker.
Pucker? Pucker.
Not no.
I see.
I suppose you think|this is all my fault.
Steve, I it's at least|partly the television's fault, If they hadn't put|that program on! It is not the television's|fault! It is your fault! Now go and find them!|Yes, yes.
All right.
I've really|got to go now.
I've got this|live broadcast thing, Mustn't be|late.
It's really good we met|each other, isn't it? It's a tough business, and we|need all the help you can get.
Well, I suppose.
If there's ever any help|we can be to each other, Please don't hesitate|to offer.
Look, I'll see you around.
Okay? Oh! She's mine! How did it go? I think i|came across well.
Although I did mention|nuclear weaponry In the context of pmt.
I must stop doing that.
I want in.
On Mariella? Yeah.
|Sorry.
There's no passengers.
|You don't have the skills.
No.
But I've got this.
The Mariella mobile,|the hot line to Frostrup.
I want to be|a Mariella mate, too.
What about Susan? Susan's not part of the deal.
We're going to be|Mariella's friends now.
There isn't room for everybody.
We? Just you and me.
Susan's out.
She's my oldest friend.
Okay.
Do you know what this is? Do you know what this|simple phone is, Sally? It's a golden ladder|to celebrityland.
With just this phone,|we can ascend To a whole new plane|of existence.
We can leave the drab,|ordinary world behind And go to all those parties|in the color supplements.
We'll have famous people|for friends And go to their houses|and see their toilets! Nothing, nothing,|Sally is ever going to be|dull again.
Okay.
Here goes.
And it's all down|to your phone.
Okay.
How long do you|think we should wait Before we ring|that "Mariella mobile"? Jane Aaaahh! Ha ha! So pucker, I thought, Sounds like|you see? So he must have thought|I said that's exactly what he thought.
So we thought we'd better|come back and sort it all out.
So he's still out|looking for us? Probably buying you flowers|or a bottle of something.
Those are his normal|guilt reflexes.
Better try|and get hold of him.
Steve! I need to speak|to Susan.
What's so urgent? She's the only ex|I can trust.
I need a second opinion.
What is it? a sculpture.
This isn't a good moment.
|I'll see you tomorrow.
It's important.
|Just show it to her.
Some other time! Look, they've|got satellite.
Oh, Robert.
By the nationwide|poster campaign oh, please,|not her.
Steve's completely obsessed|with Mariella Frostrup.
Don't be ridiculous.
|Of course I'm not.
That's my mobile.
No, it's me.
I was just|trying to get hold of you.
Where is my phone? Actually I'm sorry.
Is that is that|a phone ringing? Sounds like you forgot to Turn your mobile phone off,|Mariella.
This isn't mine.
I've never seen this phone|before in my life.
Come on, who did it? Answer it.
Give 'em a fright.
Hello.
This is|Mariella Frostrup.
You are live|on television.
Hello? This is Steve Taylor's phone.
He's not gonna be|live anywhere! Bloody television! Every single time! Obviously, she must have|picked up my mobile.
Uh accidentally.
Apparently.
Good night, mother.
|Good night, father.
Where are you going? To my room! You mean my room? That's your room! On the sofa? Good night, Steve.
Oh, come on and Steve, if you|want anything tonight, Anything at all, Just whistle.
You know how to whistle,|don't you, Steve? As I recall, you just|put your lips together And not tonight, lover.
Perhaps we'd better go.
I'm sorry.
I think I've probably|run out of ways To make the evening worse.
I don't know how to apologize.
No.
I imagine you don't.
But I suppose we have to|give you credit for trying.
Good night.
Good night.
Um actually well, thanks|for phoning, Sally.
I should have known you two|had something to do with it.
It was worth it just to see|the look on his face when Mariella|answered the phone.
No.
I'm still at Steve's.
|I'm going to go home later.
Apparently, the traffic|in town is really hellish.
The A-40 s at a standstill.
Yeah Okay, then.
|See you.
Bye.
Steve? What's all this? Apparently your mother|really liked her present.
make your mind up We'll never get started And I don't want to wind up Being parted Broken-hearted So if you really love me Say yes And please don't tell me Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps