Crashing (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 [HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE.]
[GROANS.]
Hm? [GRUNTS.]
[ALARM CHIMING.]
Oh! Just gonna get that.
- Oh, God.
- [ALARM STOPS.]
What time is it? Oh, it's pretty early.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
Oh! Heh.
Sorry.
I'm not a a big morning kisser.
[EXHALES, SNIFFS.]
I get it.
Yeah.
Oh.
I am not fresh.
Mm-hmm.
So, uh Do you, um have somewhere to be today or? Uh no.
No.
I work Monday, Wednesday, Fri Friday.
- At the - Oh.
At Cold Stone Creamery? Mm.
You heard of it? Yeah.
You should come by, I'll [CHUCKLES.]
I'll, uh, happily mix anything in you want, any contraband.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Eww.
I can give you my employee discount.
Oh.
That's nice.
I'm lactose intolerant, though, so Hey, um Last night was really special.
Yeah it was.
Um sorry.
I I have to get to work.
- I still have this temp job.
- Yeah.
I'm doing some, some data entry during the day.
Yeah.
Making the cash.
Making the sweet cheddar.
Okay, so yeah.
I mean, definitely, you know, take a minute or two to get your stuff together.
Oh my God, that is a lifesaver.
If I could just have a few more hours of sleep, I think it would make a big difference.
[SIGHS.]
Sure.
Yeah, fine.
Um, the door locks behind you.
Okay? I mean, can I use your bathroom? Sure.
[CLATTERS.]
Can you? Okay.
- Bike on wall.
- That's my bike, it's right there.
[SIGHING.]
What are you doing? [URINE SPLASHING.]
No, no.
This is just a sit-pee.
I The room's kind of spinning.
I don't think I should be standing and aiming right now.
Just close the door.
That's usually what people do when they're sit-peeing.
I was mostly done.
[SIGHS.]
All right, I gotta go! But, um, have a great day! Okay.
Don't stay too long! Are any of these toothbrushes guest toothbrushes? Ali? Sunday mornin' Brings the dawn in It's just a restless feelin' By my side Early dawning Sunday mornin' It's just the wasted years So close behind - Wow! - The floors are awesome.
Oh, my gosh.
That's so cool.
[CLATTERS.]
Hey.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
I'm, uh, I'm Pete.
Ali said it was okay if I wanted to cool out a little bit, so Are you Ali's boyfriend? I mean [CHUCKLES.]
It's funny you should ask, 'cause that's kind of what I've been mulling over.
On one hand, we had a really amazing time last night, and on the other, she could not have gotten out of here faster.
So, who's to say? I mean, there was kind of a thing this morning.
- I was a little bit overly familiar, I - [CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
All right.
[TIMER BEEPS.]
[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[GLASS CRACKS.]
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit! [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [MAN CHATTERING.]
Oh, really? Oh, that's - Ali! - [SCREAMS, GASPS.]
Hey.
Oh my God! Uh, sorry.
I I just, um What are you still doing here? I don't understand.
Who's this? I'm Steve.
We work together.
We have a Shut the fuck up, Steve.
It's fine.
Pete, do you understand how creepy it is that you're still in my space? Yes.
I'm sorry, I I just didn't wanna leave I acci I'm sorry.
- I I cracked your glass table.
- What? I made a tray I'm so sorry of pasta.
Oh! Fuck! - And I put the hot tray on the glass.
- Shit.
PETE: I didn't know heat broke glass.
- What? - The tray is glass.
Come on, man, that's untempered glass.
You put anything above 300 degrees on it, it's gonna crack for sure.
There's special oven glass and there's table glass? Obviously, you can't just, you know, you couldn't You wouldn't put your glass table in the oven, it'd shatter.
There's all different kinds of glass, you know? But the tray is glass.
So So what? You woke up, and then you went in the kitchen, and made yourself a breakfast lasagna? I I'm hungover.
You don't have a lot of food.
Um, should we talk about this? Steve? Can you, um Can you just give us a second? Please? Okay.
I'm sorry.
You look you look really nice.
I like the Okay.
Okay, you said it.
Um, I think maybe you're getting the wrong idea here.
Like, last night was really fun, absolutely.
- Really fun.
- It was fun.
Yes.
Um, but I told you that I don't date comics.
Right.
While we were having drinks, and then - Mm-hmm.
- one thing led to another.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then, we had sex.
Right! So? So [STAMMERS.]
I know sex is a casual thing to some people, but I you're the second person in my entire life I've ever made love to.
Oh my God.
- Um - Ali, that it meant something to me.
It wasn't just some casual, secular sort of hookup.
Okay.
Pete, um, it was a hookup, though.
It was a hookup.
I just I mean that It meant something to me, and I think it meant something to you.
I - What? - I liked being with you.
I liked waking up here.
I liked Yeah, great, but, like, that's that's where we end it, you know? That was a That was a big deal.
I gave myself to you.
I Okay.
[STAMMERS.]
You gotta go.
- Okay.
- You gotta go.
- I I I'm really sorry.
- It's time.
I can buy you a new table.
No, it's fine.
Seriously, it's fine.
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
Again.
Yep.
Okay.
- I guess, I love you.
- Wow.
- Sorry, that was reflexive.
- Okay! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [DOORBELL REVERBERATES.]
[MUTTERS.]
[SIGHS.]
I know, baby, I'm the last one on your list I'm holding last place on the lips you long to kiss [PHONE RINGING.]
It seems so hopeless Do you feel that in there? Yeah uh, yeah.
- Mm.
- That's pretty intense.
Wow.
Hey.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Peter.
Hey, man.
I'm really sorry, man.
I I got here as fast as I could.
You smell like rum, brother.
[SIGHS.]
I'm very hungover.
I'd offer you some hot cider, but the pressure cooker busted, right in the middle of that rush, 'cause I think 'cause I tried to make soap in it, which shouldn't have done, but I'm really sorry, man, I I fucked up.
Hey, it's all right.
Look at you.
What is this? Uh, you don't have to That's that's okay.
- Let's put these down.
- Have a seat.
Sit down.
I don't I don't need a massage.
I need Advil and a Diet Coke.
- I get it.
- Let's just No worries.
Just have a seat.
- Here.
- What are you? Come on, man.
Ow.
Here.
- Oh - There.
I've just run into a little bit of blockage, man.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh my God.
Please don't stop.
I'm not stopping.
I'm just oiling up, Peter.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh God.
There's a whole new Peter I'm uncovering.
Is this Is this what you did to my wife? In a way.
- Ah Oh! - Ah-ah! Oh, there you are, Peter.
Ah.
Let's go get you some fries.
Thank you.
There's something different about you, Peter.
Your vibrations are very different.
What's up? I don't know.
I did kind of get into it last night.
I'm a little hungover.
I actually I had sex last night.
Se Peter, mazel tov! That's outstanding.
Making love is making love.
Uh-huh.
There's more of it now for us today to share.
Yeah.
I kind of thought maybe it was one thing, and It was just a casual It was just casual.
She made that abundantly clear.
Hey, man, to hell with the labels.
There was a transference of energy.
Your horn blew and it was heard, my friend.
How was it? It was my first time using a condom.
So that It was a little weird.
Sure.
Yeah.
Au naturel is preferred, but She had 'em right there, in a basket.
Like for fruit or keys.
Just dozens of free condoms.
Like a clinic.
I I feel like the condom isn't the issue.
There's somethin' else.
What's up, man? I just can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong.
Okay? Like I I'm getting away with something, like I robbed a bank.
I I feel like I sinned.
Which is weird, 'cause I don't even know if I believe in that.
Ooh, sounds to me like you are expanding your mind.
I had a conversation, I had too many drinks, I did something I never thought I'd do, and now I feel like a different person.
- Oh, good.
- No! That's not good! What part of that is good? I liked who I was.
I wanna be that guy.
You need to lose yourself to find out who you are.
That's exciting.
It's not exciting to be floating on a blue marble, in an infinitely expanding universe.
Where's it goin'? What's on the other side of the expanding? Infinite universe.
- Fuck! - I know.
- No! - Yes! Peter, I went to a party when I was in college.
You went to college? Tons of 'em, man.
All I knew about it was that it was on Sycamore Street, at a house with a red door.
So I go to Sycamore Street.
Find a house.
It's got a red door.
I walk inside.
There's a party, and I don't know a single soul in it.
It was the wrong party and the wrong house.
So just as I'm about to bug out, the host finds me calms me down.
He says, "You're not in the wrong house.
You're in the right house.
" And then he introduces me to everybody.
Gives me pizza.
I meet his dad.
What's your point? Pete, you feel like you went into the wrong red door.
But you didn't.
You went into the perfect door, brother.
There's no reason to be scared.
You just have to relax and acclimate.
This is a party, man.
Life is a party.
There's pizza, and some guy's dad that still texts you on your birthday.
You're not alone, Peter.
You're never alone, man.
Come on.
Where? Where are you taking me? Peter, just be with me today.
Okay? The goal is no goal.
It's not about getting on the Johnny Carson Show.
It's just Oh! Oh! Hey.
Hey, why do I feel high? Did that oil you put on me, did that have weed in it? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, of course it did.
Otherwise, it wouldn't be healing weed oil.
Yeah, but you You got me high.
You got you high.
You let me rub it on you, man, but it's okay.
It's just topical.
It's not supposed to soak into your bloodstream, I don't think, through your forehead.
That's im That's possible.
Is that possible? I don't know, actually.
I've never used it without already being high.
- This way.
- Where you goin'? I don't know.
We're followin' the lights, brother.
When we hit a "don't walk," we turn.
We're flowin' down the river of the city, brother.
Listen to its feedback.
That's not feedback, it's on a timer.
All right, Peter, which way, brother? Right? He's feelin' right.
Move out.
Stuck-up ass, fake brainy-looking Yo, George Clooney.
New New blend.
One time.
Hey! You guys like hip-hop? - Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, I like hip-hop.
- Yeah, Peter - Check this shit out.
- Uh, Kendrick Lamar? Man, fuck that nigga, he already rich.
This that new underground shit, that good good.
It's loud! It's good, this is good.
It's Oh Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool, man.
That's cool, thank you.
Thanks for letting me listen.
Nah, nah, that's you, boy.
That's 10 dollars.
- No, I - Nah, man, help me out, man.
I've been on the corner all day, all night.
It's smoky as shit out here, ain't no bitches out here.
The police harassin' a nigga, all that shit, man.
I'm sorry about all that.
Uh, but I I don't I don't want Oh! Okay.
A'ight.
Okay, I see.
I see what this is.
Another white man takin' advantage of another brother, huh? I No.
It's it's not a racial thing, I'm just Oh, it's always a racial thing in America.
And your white guilt is showin' all over the place.
I don't have white guilt I have the right level of white guilt.
But I'm not, like Are you I'm sorry, I feel like you're trying to scare me.
Oh, now Okay, now the scare card comes in, right? This is getting a little scary.
Scary? 'Cause I'm black? - No! - Do I look like I got a gun on me? - No.
- Huh? Okay.
Cool.
Hi.
I'm here now, and my name's Leif.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm so happy.
You're you're the artist You're an artist, and this is your album? Yeah, man, and it's 10 dollars.
It's beautiful, man.
This is this is your heart and soul, on this record, right here.
This is this is your art.
Here's the thing, it's it's really my man Sherman's, but I'm I'm on the last song, in the background, doin' the ad lib, like this, take that, take that, whoop-whoop! Ah, okay.
That sounds like fun, but why why aren't you doin' that on your own? To be honest, I been hustlin' for Sherman so long, I ain't had time to do my own thing.
Wow.
Well, it sounds like you're the one being hustled then, right? Right.
Right! That's what I be tryin' to say, man.
It's like, I got this gift, right? And it's like, I talk to God through music, and it's like the sounds of nature flow through my body, and I can record a dove or a pigeon with Auto-tune or just the right amount of reverb.
I got I got my own sound, like, you know, I fuck with the Jamaican shit and the heartbeats, that's that's what I do.
You see what I'm sayin'? Have you shared any of this with Sherman? Not really, no.
This is just my opinion.
I feel like you don't need to waste your time talkin' to two dopes like us.
You should talk to Sherman, man.
And you should tell Sherman how you feel and what you wanna make.
And you follow your art, all the way through.
And we will buy that album.
Thank you.
Hey, Sherman! That was amazing.
I'm not good with conflict.
This is what it is, brother.
This world craves harmony.
And that's what we're here to do, restore that balance, every single day.
When I was a kid, if I asked my mom for hot dogs, she'd make me four.
That was a serving when I was a child.
I'd say, Mom, I want a hot dog, she'd make half the pack.
Did you have a brother that ate the other four? I think my brother was He had two.
It was like, Pete wants hot dogs? Uh, double double that.
- She loved you.
- Yeah.
So this is it? This is what you do, this is your day? What is time, anyway? Is it just the rate at which one rock hurls itself around another rock in space? And if so, why do people call me late for a rock race? Oops, sorry.
- Sorry! - Oh.
Shit.
Hey.
That's all right.
- Sorry about that.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Mind if I? Sure.
Nice throw.
If you wanna play, - you're more than welcome.
- Okay.
Thanks, we will.
How cool is that? Let's go.
These girls seem awesome.
Yeah.
Let's play Frisbee.
I haven't played since college.
Yeah.
Uh, why don't you leave the ring here? - What? - The wedding ring.
It's liturgical, man, it's a weird symbol.
It's It's just a ring.
Let's just It's too heavy.
It's an anchor, Peter.
Let it go.
Get past it.
Let's set sail.
Don't dock the ship too early.
Come on! Hiyah! - Oh, look who's here! - I gotcha! Ooh! Nice! - You play? - Yeah, man, I play a little bit.
Okay.
PETER: I like reading books about movies after I've seen the movie because then it's all cast.
You know exactly what they look like.
- Yeah, exactly.
- [LAUGHTER.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, don't answer that, man.
I don't get a lot of calls.
Hello? Yeah.
Yes, yes.
I'm I'm close.
I'm 20 minutes.
I will be there.
Thank you so much.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Who's that? That was Dr.
Oz.
That was the show Dr.
Oz.
They need a warm-up.
Their warm-up guy is sick, they need a warm-up.
- Oh.
- Peter, that's amazing! - They called me! - Whoa.
Where is it? Long Island City.
Man, think about it.
The journey brought us here, and you are close enough to be able to make that in 20 minutes.
Think about that.
No, I know! I know, I get it! This is it! I'm gonna go warm-up Dr.
Oz! - Wow! - Come on! - Okay.
- It was very nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you, too.
Thank you for the cheese, I appreciate it.
- Okay.
- Bye! Leif! Come on! I wish I could stay, but I'm kind of like his Sherpa.
- Have fun.
- Okay.
Thanks so much for having me.
Thanks for gettin' here so quickly.
We got your name from Rachael Ray.
You're sort of famous for tellin' her mom to suck a dick.
That's not what I said You were like our fourth call, but we were in a bit of a pinch.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Hey.
- Yeah, but that's not what I said.
- It was just - So it's about 10, 12 minutes, okay? Okay.
Uh, do I hand out candy, or? We don't give out candy, here, this is a health show.
Here are some coupons for SoulCycle.
Okay.
Um, I hate to ask, but The pay is 200 bucks.
Rachael Ray was 400.
Wow.
Sweet gig.
Sounds like you shouldn't have told her mom to slob your knob.
I didn't tell Rachael Ray's mom to slob my knob.
I heard you did.
Okay, I'm the person that the story's about, so I can tell you with authority that I didn't tell her I was told that you said that Rachael Ray's mom should nibble your nuts.
That sounds like something a child would say, I didn't say that.
I heard you said that you wanted her mom to gargle your gonads.
Okay, are some of those written down? I have Someone handed me some notes.
I just wanna be clear.
There was a misunderstanding.
- I did a little crowd work - Go for JJ.
- [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Are you guys excited? AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Say yeah! - Yeah! Go, go! That's good! Be like, heck, yeah! AUDIENCE: Heck, yeah! It's a family show, keep it heck.
Heck, yeah! Heck, yeah! Dr.
Oz is gonna tell us what's healthy.
I saw an energy drink that was bragging that it was 2.
5 times stronger than Red Bull.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
- Who Yeah.
Who is that for? [LAUGHTER.]
Who is drinking Red Bull like, "Yeah, it's pretty strong, but they could kick this up two and a half more times.
" 'Cause I don't have paranoia and diarrhea immediately.
[LAUGHTER.]
I can't be waiting for that.
I want first sip, soil myself.
[LAUGHTER.]
I think my neighbor is a sniper.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh, we're gonna bring out Dr.
Oz and it's gonna be fun.
Are you guys excited? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Show me that energy! Go, yeah! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, let's say hi to Dr.
Oz, everybody! I'm here.
Oh! Dr.
Oz.
There he is! Hi, everybody, thank you for being here! - Hey.
- Okay, that's it.
That's it, I I don't go back out? One and done.
Can I get the coupons? Oh.
Yeah.
I'm not tryin' to steal those.
If I want something that's spinning in circles and going nowhere, I have my life.
You can leave the shirt with Karen in wardrobe.
Okay.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, wow, thank you.
Uh, that was that was so great.
Thanks for havin' me.
You did a nice job, they seemed fired up.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you high? No, no, I No.
Look in my eyes, please.
I I'm I'm not high.
I know you're high.
I'm Dr.
Oz.
Um hey, could I ask you a question? I've had a confusing couple days and, uh I was just wondering if you believe in God? Yeah, sure.
Really? I thought, maybe a man of science, you just, thought it was a fairy tale.
I don't see science and faith as opposing forces at all.
See, for me, it's all about vocabulary.
Think about that little speck of mass that erupted into the big bang.
Do you call it "the singularity" or do you call it "God"? You know? I don't see much of a difference.
I bet you are freakin' out right now 'cause you are so high.
It's it's a bit much.
Welcome to the show, everybody! - [APPLAUSE.]
- So what's goin' on inside the human body? [WHISTLING.]
Leif! Hey! Leif! Hey, Peter! Did you get all these cool gifts? No.
Listen.
Uh, where's your bag? The bag, our bag? Oh, God.
Oh I think I forgot it.
We forgot it.
I put my ring in your bag! That's okay.
Well, calm down.
The bag deserves to be found and we shall find it.
- So, we're gonna go.
- Come on.
Is this part of the plan? Get high and leave our shit? POLICEMAN: Keep that path clear! [SIREN WAILS.]
Hold it, hold it.
Shit! [SIREN WAILING.]
What's goin' on? I don't know.
Bomb scare.
[FIRE TRUCK HORN BLARES.]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
[WHIRRING.]
LEIF: Oh Oh.
- What? - Oh! - Peter, my pressure cooker, man! - What? - Are you fuckin' kid You kiddin' me? - No.
[WHIRRING.]
PETER: They think it's a fuckin' bomb! - Yeah.
- You can't leave a pressure cooker in a duffel bag and leave it in the park! - I didn't mean to! - Okay.
You didn't do anything wrong.
We didn't do anything wrong, I'll just I'll grab a cop.
I'll explain what happened.
I'll get my ring.
I got to get my ring.
No, no, no, leave the ring.
Don't worry about the ring, man.
It's in the past, forget the ring.
- I'll just explain - No, no, no! - Hey, you didn't do anything! - I did do something.
I have LSD in that bag, Peter.
I have some LSD in that bag.
It carries like a mandatory minimum of five years.
It's Reagan, man.
It's not me.
Are you fucking kidding me? - No, I'm not.
- This whole magical journey you had fuckin' narcotics on you? The Frisbee girls gave it to me because they're Canadian and they were leaving town and they It was a gift.
I don't know.
- Okay.
Fuck you! - Peter! - Get the fuck off! - Wait! Peter! - Get the - Hold on, man! Aw! Fuckin' dick! - Sorry.
Pete - [GRUNTS.]
Peter, that rock hit you! Hold it! Hold it! [GRUNTS.]
Fire in the hole! [CROWD GASPS.]
LEIF: Hey, man.
You know what you're learning, Peter? Strength, tons of it.
You did a great job today, man, negotiating what's right versus what's wrong.
I'm really proud of you.
Karmically, it might not work out in this lifetime, but who knows? In a hundred years, in a hundred lifetimes, you could be a dog and someone gives you a bone.
Can we go, please? You're finally learning to surf.
No.
No, I'm not! You forced me to surf, and I didn't wanna do any of this! How Why is it that when bad things happen to me, it's all part of some magical plan that only you understand? What about when shit happens to you? Um, I I'll meditate on that for us both.
Can you roll up the window? [SIREN CHIRPS.]
He wants to dream like a young man With the wisdom of an old man He wants his home and security He wants to live like a sailor at sea Beautiful loser Where you gonna fall When you realize you just can't have it all? He's your oldest and your best friend If you need him, he'll be there again He's always willing To be second best A perfect lodger A perfect guest Beautiful loser Read it on the wall And realize You just can't have it all Just can't have it