Dad's Army (1968) s02e02 Episode Script

1 - Evening.
Evening, sir.
- Oh, evening, Sergeant.
- Early, aren't you, sir? - I just wanted to finish this battle plan.
- Oh, I see.
Yes.
- Unfortunately, I had to rush my meal.
Oh, yes.
What did you have tonight, sir? - Walton pie and treacle tart? - Oh, really? It's a - It was a real meal, wasn't it, sir? - Yes.
- Where was the treacle from, sir? - It wasn't real treacle.
The pastry was made from potatoes, the treacle from carrot and saccharin.
Oh, Lord! What did it taste like? - Oh! - Obviously got a touch of indigestion, sir.
- A touch of flatulence.
- Perhaps you'd care for one of these.
- Sometimes they're quite helpful.
- Oh, thank you.
"Calm Tums.
" "For all tummy disorders.
Also combats air-raid strain.
" - What's that got to do with tummies? - Sometimes it can be rather embarrassing.
The white cliffs of Dover Evening gentlemen.
Evening, Mr Wilson.
- Corporal.
- Evening, Mr Mainwaring.
What you taking there, sir? - Cor, you shouldn't take those, sir.
- Why not? - They'll keep you on the run, sir.
- I thought they had the opposite effect.
You got a touch of the flatulence, sir? This is what you want, sir.
The old bicarbonate of soda.
I always carry that bottle with me.
I got in the habit in the Sudan.
General Kitchener was keen on it.
- Really? - Yes.
"Boys!" He always called us that.
"Boys! Keep your bayonets sharp and your bicarb handy.
" "That'll stop you getting the wind up!" He had a dry, subtle sense of humour, sir.
I've carried that for 45 years.
It's a different lot in there now.
- I'll be all right now.
- You just let me know.
I will.
Thank you, Corporal.
It's gonna be a wee bit crowded in this wee shop when the platoon gets here.
- We'll do the best we can, Frazer.
- Should we remove the shop bell, sir? - It's a terrible nuisance.
- Nuisance? Where's your imagination, Wilson? - It'll stop the enemy from surprising us.
- Ah.
We can't have all these bicycles.
You can't swing a cat.
Tell them to get them outside.
Would you mind, all of you, kindly taking your bicycles? - In the form of an order, please.
- Sorry, sir.
All bicycles outside! That applies to yours, too.
- Shall I take your bike out, sir? - Oh, no.
- Perhaps there's just room for two.
- All right.
You turning it into a second-hand bike shop? Evening, sir.
- Corporal.
- Here's your tin of treacle.
Oh.
Could have done with that earlier.
- Where's everyone going? Is the parade over? - Of course not, you stupid boy.
They're putting their bicycles outside.
Take yours, too.
Mum's not going to like me leaving my bike outside, Uncle Arthur.
Might get pinched.
- Take it away.
- Take your bike outside.
Go on.
- Saddle will get wet, won't it? - Never mind.
- Corporal? Call the men in.
- Yes, sir! - Sergeant, can I have a word? - Yes, of course.
You must stop young Pike from calling you Uncle Arthur in front of the men.
- It's bad for discipline.
- I'm sorry, sir.
It's not my fault.
When he was a little boy, he called me something else, so MavisMrs Pike told him to call me Uncle to stop him calling me something else.
What else did he used to call you? - Daddy.
- What? - Daddy.
- You're not his daddy, his father, are you? - Good heavens, no, sir.
I'm not.
- He'd better address you by your proper rank.
- All right, sir.
- One.
One, two! - What are you doing, Corporal? - I didn't realise the room was so small.
- Put them back! - Yes, sir.
About turn! - Pull yourself together, Jones.
- Yes, sir.
Advance! One.
One, two.
- Didn't work, sir.
- Sort them out, Sergeant.
Um Oh, dear.
Er Turn, er About turn.
- Corporal, come out of there.
- Oh, sorry.
Sorry, sir.
- Who's missing? - Godfrey, sir.
We'll manage without him.
On the command, "fall out", gather round the blackboard.
- Platoon, fall out.
- All right, just sit down on the floor.
- Not on my foot, Frazer.
- Sorry! Come along, now.
Quickly as you can.
Settle down.
Right, now pay attention.
I've had orders from GHQ which gives us our precise instructions in case the balloon goes up.
I've asked you to parade here at the Novelty Rock Emporium because, if an invasion comes, this would be our command post, our nerve centre.
- Who's in charge here? - Captain Mainwaring.
- What are all them bikes doing outside? - They belong to members of my platoon.
- Get 'em shifted.
- I don't think I like your tone.
- You don't? Then I'll try it in a different tone.
Get 'em shifted! - How's that? - I think you're exceeding your authority.
Them bikes could be used by enemy parachute troops.
WellI'm fully aware of the situation and I intend to deal with it.
You'd better.
Otherwise I'll let your tyres down, mate.
Don't lay a finger on those machines.
Get out of my shopmy command post! I'm going.
But don't say I haven't warned you.
And you an' all! Corporal, detail a man to look after those bicycles.
Yes, sir.
Sponge, nick outside and keep an eye on that bike.
Fix bayonets, and if that warden lays a finger on them bikes, let him 'ave it.
Right up! Right, Corporal.
- Lock the door, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
I don't want that warden trampling over my platoon again.
Now, as I was saying, in case of an invasion, this will be our plan - There's someone there.
Shall I let them in? - All right.
I'll deal with this.
Let me through.
Help him up, somebody.
Make way for the officer.
Now, look here Oh, it's you! - Are you closed? - Why are you late, Godfrey? - My bicycle had a puncture.
I had to walk.
- Come on inside.
Lock the door, Corporal.
- Hello, Godfrey.
- Good evening, Mr Godfrey.
Over here! It's not a sherry party! Come along! All right.
Now, settle down quickly.
When the church bells ring, you will report at once to the Novelty Rock Emporium here.
There's someone at the door again, sir.
Corporal, waken up! We shall divide the platoon into halves.
I shall take charge of one, Sergeant Wilson, the other.
One half will proceed to the crossroads here, a mile up the a mile up the road, here.
These crossroads are a vital strategic position.
Remember, he who holds these crossroads holds Walmington-on-Sea.
It will be necessary to establish a machine-gun post to cover these crossroads.
The ideal place is Godfrey's cottage uphere.
You don't mind that, do you, Godfrey? - Ermind what, sir? - Haven't you been listening? I'm sorry, sir.
It was my fault.
I was talking.
We'll use your cottage as a machine-gun post.
You live there with your two sisters? That's right.
They might be in bed when the invasion comes.
As they're a little hard of hearing, they wouldn't let us in.
- You've got a key? - No, sir.
There's only one and they've got it.
They did promise me one some years ago, but nothing happened.
- Permission to speak, sir.
- Yes, Corporal.
- Why don't we put the key under a flowerpot? - That's a very good idea.
You hear that, Godfrey? Arrange for it, will you? Now, we shall send out patrols from these two po .
.
these two posts.
And they will communicate with each other by means of runners.
Have you got a penny, Sergeant? - What on earth for? - Don't argue.
Have you got a penny? I can't open the door! - It's locked, sir.
- Well, come and unlock it.
Quickly! Hurry up, Corporal.
For goodness' sake, man! Oh, don't mess about.
Out the way.
I told him he shouldn't have taken them tablets.
You can definitely say you've got a point there, Mrs Pike.
- We'll dispose of your channel tunnel shares.
- I'm grateful for your advice, Mr Mainwaring.
Being a widow, it isn't easy to know what's best.
I understand that, Mrs Pike.
As your bank manager, I'm always here to help.
Thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
What I miss most is not having a man to look after.
You've got a button missing, Arthur.
- Why didn't you tell me this morning? - It's all right, Mavis.
- You, er You sent for me, sir? - Yes, Wilson.
- Details of Mrs Pike's shares we want to sell.
- I must go to it.
Mr Wilson's coming to supper tonight.
Not tonight.
He's taking a party of 18 to the cinema at Eastgate.
- Party of 18? - Home Guards.
It's a special showing for all Home Guard units of "Next Of Kin".
- "Next Of Kin"? I've heard of that.
You going? - I went last night.
- Took my wife and her two sisters.
- Coals to Newcastle! - Goodbye then, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you.
- Goodbye, Mrs Pike.
- Goodbye, Arthur.
- Now I'm rather glad I'm not going to the cinema.
I've got a lot to do at HQ.
- Yes, sir.
- I'll leave you to lock up, Wilson.
- Oh, Mrs Pike's left her gloves.
Run after her.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
Ah.
I'd better put that deed box away in the vaults.
I caught up with her all right, sir.
Where is he, for heaven's sake? Must have gone out the back door.
The rest of the staff have gone, sir.
Do you need me for anything? No, thank you, Pike.
We haven't got much time.
The bus leaves in 15 minutes.
I can't understand why they're taking us to the pictures.
GHQ want all units to see this film about the effects of careless talk.
- Who's in it? - Oh, they wouldn't say.
Geoffrey Hibbert, some new boy Oh, gosh.
- What's that? - It's the church bells.
It's a funny time for them to ring.
Somebody must be getting married, I s'pose.
Good heavens! It's It's the invasion! What? Uncle! - W What are we gonna do, Uncle Arthur? - Stop calling me Uncle Arthur for a start.
- Better get to the Novelty Rock Emporium.
- Do that, yes.
- We're supposed to be going to the pictures.
- We'll have to go another night.
Don't panic.
Get your respirator, your gas mask and your rifle.
I'll do something.
I'll lock up.
Don't forget your uniform.
No.
We'd better tell Mum we won't be home for supper.
Is that you, Wilson? He hasn't wasted much time, has he? Soon as my back's turned, he's off.
Bit of a clock-watcher, Wilson.
I must talk to him tomorrow.
They're here, sir.
We're on our way to the Rock Emporium, sir.
Happened to notice your bike outside, sir.
Come on, sir.
There's not a minute to lose! - What? - The church bells, sir.
They've been ringing.
- When? I never heard them.
- 20 minutes ago.
I went to collect Jones.
We're on our way to the command post, sir.
But that coach will be halfway to Eastgate now.
We've waited six months, and now Hitler's at our throats, my platoon's at the pictures.
- Why aren't you there? - I was coupon counting, sir.
Captain Mainwaring, what are we gonna do? There's only three of us to defend the town.
- Yes, I know, Frazer.
Let me think a minute.
- We'll fight to the last! If we run out of ammo, we'll give them the cold steel.
They don't like it up 'em.
- Pull yourself together, Corporal.
- I can't help it.
- The smell of battle gets me going.
- Put that away before you hurt somebody.
It's gonna be a bit of a job, defending the beach with three men.
You're quite right, Frazer.
We must face the facts.
I don't believe the three of us could actually stop them from landing.
We're going to change our plans.
A commander in the field must be flexible.
We must make a snap decision.
Don't take too long, sir.
They'll be here in a minute! This crossroads is the key.
Three determined men could hold an army, deny the enemy his axis of attack.
If we can hold out long enough, it'll give our regular troops time to regroup for the counter-attack, see? Mind you, probably be the end of us, but we're ready for that, aren't we, men? - Course, sir.
- Good show.
- We'd better take this machine gun with us.
- I'll carry these, sir.
Right.
Grab a magazine, both of you.
I don't think there'll be any time for reading, sir.
- To Godfrey's cottage, at the double! - Aye aye, sir.
- Are you enjoying your nice haddock, Charles? - Yes, thank you, Dolly.
I had to queue up for 20 minutes just for that little bit of fish.
Aren't you parading with the yeomanry tonight, Charles? - No, Cissy.
It's my night for the clinic.
- Oh, I see.
You are? - Hurry up or you'll be late for the parade.
- Don't rush him, Cissy.
I'm sure he's time for another cup of tea and a piece of my upside-down cake.
That reminds me.
Have a word with that nice Mr Walker tonight, will you, Charles? - We need some more sugar.
- I'm not going on parade tonight.
Oh, thank you, dear.
I'm sure he'll get it for you.
Oh, what is it, Percy? Do you want your tea? What about a little bit of my upside-down cake? Here you are, dear.
No, no, dear.
It's not maggots.
It's my upside-down cake.
- May we come in? This is an emergency.
- Charles, dear.
It's that very nice bank manager, Mr Mainwaring.
He's outside.
- He's brought a gun with him.
- I wonder what he wants.
- Godfrey.
- Come in, sir.
Come in.
- What are you doing here, Godfrey? - It's my night at the clinic, sir.
- Get your rifle.
The invasion's on.
- What invasion? - The Germans! Didn't you hear the bells? - I'm afraid I didn't, sir.
We're setting up our machine-gun post here.
You've told your sisters, haven't you? - No.
It slipped my mind.
- It's too late now.
Good evening, Miss Godfrey.
We'll put our machine gun here.
We've got a clear line of fire to the crossroads.
We'll put this doily underneath.
It's rather a valuable table.
It scratches very easily.
- We want some sandbags here, sir.
- What about cushions, sir? - Very good idea, Frazer.
Search the house.
- Don't be so rude.
- Ask your friends to have some tea.
- I don't think they want any at the moment.
It's nice Mr Jones the butcher from the high street.
- Oh, Mr Jones.
Would you like a cup of tea? - No, thank you, the Misses Godfrey.
- The Germans are coming.
- Yes, I know they are.
So many coming for tea.
I think I'll make some more.
Oh, good afternoon.
Cissy, dear.
There's a gentleman here selling pillows.
I think we ought to buy some.
They match the ones we have upstairs.
- Just wait here and my sister will attend to you.
- Here you are, sir.
- Well done, Frazer.
- There's the magazine, sir.
Where's your steel helmet? - In the confusion I forgot about it, sir.
- You have to have a steel helmet, man.
I have an idea, sir.
What about this, sir? Thank you, Godfrey, but I don't think it'll help putting a flowerpot on his head.
It's not a flowerpot, sir.
It's a German helmet.
I brought it back in 1918.
- Better than nothing, I suppose.
- Thank you, Godfrey.
Sorry about your flowers, Godfrey, but this is war.
- Here you are.
Try that on.
- Thank you, sir.
Ah, here, excuse me, ma'am.
- That's the lot, sir.
- Thank you, Frazer.
Now, then.
- What's the matter, Jones? - I got a funny, cold, wriggly feeling in my spine.
- You've been in action before.
- I know, sir.
I never had a cold, wriggly feeling like this in my spine.
Well, if he will wear a flowerpot on his head! What else can he expect? It's a grand field of fire, sir.
They'll never get past.
Wait a minute, Corporal.
These are not going to stop any bullets.
You're quite right, sir.
Frazer, get these filled with something a bit harder.
Right.
Now, then.
Yeah.
There we are.
That's right.
Oh, Dolly, dear.
You really must get a conditioning powder for Percy.
He's moulting everywhere! - What about this? - How many lumps? - How many lumps? - Put the lot in.
Don't like it, Walker.
Don't like it at all.
- Too quiet.
- Funny you should say those words, Sergeant.
- Really? Why? - That's what the sergeant says in them films.
- Yeah? - The cavalry patrol's trotting along.
They stop and the officer looks through his field glasses and the sergeant says, - "I don't like it, sir.
It's too quiet.
" - What happens then? - He gets a dirty big arrow right in the chest.
- I see.
Sometimes the officer says, "I don't like it.
It's too quiet.
" - Sergeant still gets the arrow, though.
Dunk! - All right, all right, Walker.
- You overdo things so much.
- 'Allo, here's Spikey.
Hello.
Where's the Lewis gun? - It wasn't there.
- What do you mean? We went back to the church hall and the cupboard was bare.
- Perhaps the Germans got it, Sergeant.
- They wouldn't know where it was.
What's happened to the rest of the platoon? Mr Frazer was the Lewis gunner.
Perhaps the gun's with him.
If he's gone where I think he's gone, he won't need no gun.
Walker, would you go and stand somewhere else, please.
It's getting on my nerves.
There's nowhere else.
The place is full of bikes.
- Uncle Arthur? - Yes, what? Do you think anything's happened to the rest? - No, no.
- Why aren't they here, then? Mr Mainwaring himself said, "If you hear the church bells, "go to the Novelty Rock Emporium.
" Pike, could you please stop talking for just a minute? I can't think.
It's difficult when you go on like that.
- Uncle Arthur? - What? - I ain't half 'ungry.
- You're a silly boy.
Why didn't you bring your sandwiches? We were going to Eastgate.
I was going to have me supper when we got home.
I'm sorry, Pike.
That's your lookout.
You're stupid going on like that.
I told you before.
Uncle Sergeant? What is it now? If anything has happened to Mr Mainwaring, will they make you bank manager? I hadn't thought about that.
- Then you could make me the chief clerk.
- Yes.
Possibly, yes.
Sergeant, look what I found in the cellar.
Sticks of rock.
The fellas are in need of nourishment.
- Mind if I hand them out? - All right, Corporal.
Get your sticks of rock.
Tanner each.
Here you go.
- Walmington-on-Sea all the way through.
- This has got Clacton stamped on it.
What do you want for a tanner? Ashby-de-la-Zouche? Walker, what are you playing at? You're not taking money for that stuff? - Ah, well, they forced it on me, Sergeant.
- Give it back at once.
- All right.
Do you want a stick? - That's the last thing that I require.
We can't go on waiting.
We'd better carry out the battle plan on our own.
Walker, Pike, get your things together.
We're going to set up another establishment at Godfrey's cottage.
Right, Sponge, you'll be in charge here.
Wait for half an hour and then send a patrol to me at, erGodfrey's cottage.
- All right? - Right, Sarge.
- Can I bring my stick of rock? - No, you cannot.
Come on! I don't like it, Captain Mainwaring.
It's too quiet.
- Do you see anything? - Nothing.
- It'll be dark soon.
- Wonder where the rest of the platoon is.
Very likely they've had to come back on foot, sir.
All civilian vehicles must be put out of action during an invasion alarm, sir.
They could be away for hours.
Miss Godfrey, do you think perhaps you could keep that bird quiet? Permission to speak, sir.
Could I go outside a minute, sir? Oh, yes.
All right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- I'll cover you.
- All right, sir.
- Right, come on.
- Sir.
If you ask me, I don't think there's anybody at home.
Maybe Godfrey's sisters are in bed, Sergeant.
- Shall I get the key from under the flowerpot? - Wait a minute.
I don't like it, Walker.
I don't like it.
It's too quiet.
- That's - Sounded like the whatshisname.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
- You know, the - Hey, Sarge! - What? There's a German soldier coming out of that shed.
Look at his helmet.
- Blimey! He's right! - Right, come on.
Take cover in here.
- Don't you think we ought to wait for Spongey? - It's too late.
Now, take aim.
Fire.
- Let me get at him.
I'll give him the cold steel! - Come back! Come back! Down, everybody.
Stand by, Frazer.
- Whatever's that noise, dear? - I don't know.
I don't like to interrupt them.
- Where did those shots come from? - The summerhouse, sir.
It's very nice.
You can turn it round in the direction the sun is shining.
- The sun's not shining.
- Shut up, Jones.
- You got the range? - Aye aye, sir.
- Did we get him, Sergeant? - I've absolutely no idea.
Keep under cover.
Fire! I think we'd better clear the table, dear.
Take the tray into the kitchen.
- No, no, no, no, dear.
Don't disturb them.
- All right, dear.
I'll shake the cloth from the bedroom window.
- Gorblimey, Joe.
What they using? - The cottage has disappeared.
- I have a feeling we're facing the wrong way.
- I'll move us round.
- Don't do that.
- What we gonna do, then? I think the best thing is to get into a rather safer position.
Follow me.
Keep low on the ground.
It's very awkward.
- Sergeant! Sergeant, look! - What? They're waving a dirty great white cloth out of the window.
They're surrendering.
You'd better go and accept it! No, Walker.
I think perhaps you'd better go.
I'd better stay here, you know, keep an eye on things.
- Don't you think Spikey ought to go? - Me? Well, you're the oldest, Uncle Sergeant.
- No, we'll all go together.
Come on.
- All right.
- Captain Mainwaring? - Yes? They're surrendering.
Three of them have hankies stuck to their rifles.
Look.
Well done, men.
We showed 'em, eh? Watch it! They may be up to their Nazi tricks.
I'll make them come inside.
Cover the door, Frasier.
Put the light on so we can see them.
Comen zie here! They're Germans, all right! No, you comen zie here at once! Wilson! - You might have killed us.
- You might have killed us.
Come inside! Oh, what? I'm very disappointed in you, Sergeant.
You should have fought to the last man.
- We thought you were Nazis.
- You should have kept on firing.
- We might have killed you.
- You had no business to give in.
What? But You gave in first.
- Yes! - We did no such thing! I'm going to book you for disregard of blackout regulations.
Get on with it.
Now, I did not surrender.
Nothing would induce me to surrender.
Now, look here - What the devil's that? - It's Spongey with the platoon.
Get a white flag out of the window! Quickly!