Damned (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 - Are you avoiding me? - No, why? A lot of people's shoelaces seem to come untied when I'm around, even if they're wearing slip-ons.
Look, I just don't want to start the day with a load of grief about Mimi being placed with Martin instead of you.
- All right, Cliff? - Hello.
I mean, surely you must be used to not getting the girl by now.
Why do you imagine I'm such a failure with da ladies? Maybe because you keep using words like "da ladies".
Maybe it's a good thing, that I'm not with Mimi, because office romances are unprofessional.
You haven't got a chance.
She says you have a dandruff problem.
A, don't listen in to people's private conversations.
B, what the hell are you doing in there.
- I'm - C, it's not dandruff.
I just run my fingers through my hair sometimes when I'm eating crisps.
And it was pickled onion Monster Munch.
It's a nightmare, because I had to shampoo twice to get the stink out.
I hope that's on your dating profile.
Are you coming, Nat? Yeah.
Can't find the missing files in there.
I thought you said they were missing from the computer system.
- Yes.
- So, why would they be in the recycling? Well, I've looked everywhere else.
They were sent to be digitized, weren't they, when we did the move? So, maybe they've been sent here by mistake and they've been turfed out.
A lot of stuff comes here by mistake and should be turfed out.
There's not going to be anything interesting in them, though, is there? - They're pre-war.
- They're 1980s.
Yeah.
Pre-Iraq war.
That's what pre-war means, isn't it? Yeah.
She's got to go.
Elm Heath Children's Services.
Very, very young boys have just put a sausage through my letterbox.
Oh, how very strange.
Well, I was wondering if you think it's safe to eat the sausage.
Oh, if it were me Oh, I want one of those.
Nice to see you here with time to spare.
One of the pluses of Lee lying around house like a beached whale, is that I get out early in the morning and I stay later.
That's Rose.
Rose there, and today, she's turned up early and eager, as opposed to late and nearly dead.
So we've put that there.
'Hello.
I'd like to purchase some breast milk.
Breast Milk Man's back.
Uh, Nitin, predictable.
What's the point of being boring? But he's not.
He's not.
A very interesting guy.
Got it.
I won an eBay bid on my TV.
What about Caitlin giving that back to you, on account that it's actually yours.
Yeah, she's been saying that for ages.
It's never going to happen.
So I thought I'd pick one up second-hand, found she'd listed it.
So you paid for your own TV? Yeah, but now I don't have to confront her.
You're going to have to confront her when you go pick up the TV.
Shit, I hadn't thought of that.
- Will you do it for me? - No fucking way.
I've only met her once.
I still get the night terrors.
Good morning, Ingrid.
Sean, you can't just turn up here.
You have to make an appointment.
You know that.
What are you doing? You're not playing truant again, are you? No.
Look, I've got a meeting today, and the school are trying to exclude me.
Can you just come in and talk them out of it? Why can't your mum go? Sorry, your dad.
She's still my mum.
She just wants me to call her dad.
Well, he identifies as male, so that's what I have to call him.
Why isn't he going to the meeting? Oh, he doesn't know about it, does he? All right, so, why are you being excluded? - Fighting.
- Because of what the other kids are saying? - Sort of.
- Well, you know he's going to find out about it, don't you? Not if you come in and convince them to let me stay.
Can't you just ignore them? I don't know.
No, I can't.
If I could, I wouldn't be here, Al.
Well, just keep your hands in your pocket.
You don't have to lamp them all.
All right, Ing.
Limahl settling in OK? Oh, a bit of an adjustment period, but I tell you what, I brought in his welcome cake.
I thought everyone might like a piece.
- He made that? - No, I made it for him.
He looked on appreciatively.
I have cut off the bit of icing where he stubbed out his cigarette.
Oh, um, lovely.
Sorry, do these hairy old ears deceive me, but a cigarette? He's 14, isn't he? He shouldn't be smoking.
That's what I said to him and that's why he stubbed out the cigarette in the cake.
- What can you do? - God, Ben Evans has fallen off the wagon again.
PC Harris took him home last night with a caution for urinating in a hanging basket.
Was he underneath it? That's genuinely impressive.
- It doesn't say.
- I think you should pop round there.
Why? To find out where he pissed from? No, to see if his kids are all right.
Isn't that a bit of phlegm on the edge there? Oh, yes, I think it might be.
Yes, I'll go and wipe it off.
No, don't wipe it.
Cut it out.
Chuck it out.
He's probably jizzed into the middle of it.
Speaking from experience? Yeah, I've been caught by that before.
I meant you've done it, not eaten it.
I didn't get on with one of my brothers.
Do you remember Sean Atkins? - Yeah.
- Mum with plums, or whatever you call a woman who wants to be a man.
Nitin.
For fuck's sake.
Well, you just swore in front of a client, though, so that's worse, and no-one could accuse me of being transphobic.
Apart from anyone who knows you.
Walk over there in a non-phobic way.
Phobic.
- Sean, I - Phobic.
Sean, I apologise for using inappropriate terminology.
I've had worse, but say that again, and I will fuck you up.
Well, now he's sworn.
You both swore, and that cancels out what I said.
If only there were two of you, and then you could cancel each other out.
He's about to be excluded for fighting.
- You could probably tell.
- Yeah, Sean, it, it might be a good idea to start off somewhere new where the kids know your dad as your dad, rather than someone that used to be your mum.
That's letting ignorant people win.
They always do.
Look at Brexit.
I mean, I just had an e-mail from the Kowalskis, right? They've gone back to Poland because some idiot Tippexed a swastika on the back of Tommy's fucking wheelchair.
I mean, Nigel Farage should have his nose hair ripped out and fashioned into tiny cudgels to beat Boris Johnson with.
Uh, I think ripping out Mr Farage's pubics would be a better option.
Nat, can you tell Denise to take the Kowalskis off the Strat agenda? They've left the country.
- Gone anywhere nice? - No, it's not a holiday.
Oh, it's all right.
I'll do, I'll do it.
I'm off to Evan's nightmare.
But it is quite near that big Tesco's.
Can you nip in there and get a decent cake? I don't fancy Ing's.
No.
No, thanks.
If you don't, I'll tell Denise that you insulted a transgender client in front of their son, so just do it.
What do you want, then, one of those Peppa Pig ones? - Yeah, Peppa Pig.
- Yeah, Peppa Pig is fine.
I'm going to argue that it'll cause you more distress to go to a referral unit.
It's unhelpful cos of what you're going through at home.
- Thanks for this.
- Nah, it's all right, it's my job.
- For now.
- What, are you thinking of changing? - Maybe.
- What else could you do? It's a pretty transferable skill.
Yeah, but it's tough for old people.
I'm older than you, but I'm not old people.
You're about as old as my dad, and he can't find anything.
He's been stressing about that more than the op.
And the rent keeps going up, the TV packed in.
I thought your generation didn't watch TV.
I thought it was all phones and tablets.
Like I can afford an iPad.
Denise, the, uh, Kowalskis Hiya, hello.
Do you two know each other? He queue-jumped me in the pub the other night.
And I bought you a drink to make up for it.
Oh, yes, and it was lovely, thank you.
Yeah, I don't think I caught your name.
- I'm, I'm Rose.
- Dennis.
How do you two know each other? - He's my brother.
- I didn't know you had a brother.
- Why would you? - Oh, it might have popped up in conversation.
We don't have conversations.
We have exchanges of professionally relevant information.
She was like this as a kid.
I used to get memos as a birthday card.
Thank you, Dennis.
Is that it? - Is that all you needed? - Dennis and Denise? Who's named after who? Rose, if I had a pound for every tedious comment about our names, I'd have enough to pay your redundancy out of my own pocket.
Don't worry, you caught her at a bad moment.
- Her 50s.
- Do you want these or will you be moving out to a hotel tonight? Oh, come on, Stinker, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
I'll get back to work.
Yes, which is a first for you.
Professionally, she admires me, really.
I just wanted to say that the Kowalskis won't be coming to the meeting.
They've gone back to Poland, they said they just don't feel welcome here any more.
Thank you, and talking of being welcome, that will be all.
Shall I Brexit? Listen, give me your number.
- I owe you a drink.
- Oh, OK.
You said you already bought her one.
Well, I'm going to get her another one.
I've been out of the country for a few years, and I don't know many people.
Oh, well, as long as "out of the country" isn't a euphemism for prison.
No, I've been in Canada, where, obviously, I was serving time for murder.
- Give me your phone.
- No! Do not phone that woman.
- Why not? - She has appalling hygiene.
- Dennis.
- Hello, is that Rose? Dennis, it's not funny.
Sorry, I'm late.
Found a 13-year-old with condoms in his bag.
Said he was using them for water bombs.
Probably shouldn't have shared that, but, uh, it's been one of those days.
Who are you? - Where's your dad? - I'm Al Kavanagh.
I was Sean's social worker when his dad le Biological dad left, so, it's before your time.
And, Sean's dad, as we now know him, where's he? Sean hasn't told his dad about the possible exclusion.
His dad's going through a difficult time .
.
emotionally, with the process of transitioning and also financially, and Sean feels guilty, and he doesn't want to add to that.
So, I'm just here to ask you to give him another chance.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear all of that, but I can't tolerate violence between pupils.
No, and, of course, I appreciate that, but, but, equally, Sean shouldn't have to put up with insensitive taunts and provocations from the other kids and Sean's classmates have actually been very supportive, and the ones that haven't been have been kept in check by the rest of the class, and by me.
Sean's being excluded for hitting another pupil who actually said how cool his dad was for transitioning.
That's not what you told me, Sean.
Sean.
Sean! OK, right.
- I can't have this.
- That's enough.
Uh, no, John T.
Come on.
Hi, do you remember me? Oh, God, sorry, yeah.
Um, there you go.
- What's that for? - You brought the take away last night? - I didn't have enough change for a tip.
- Wow.
In 2017.
That wasn't me.
Where do I know you from, then? Your wife left a baby in the supermarket three months ago.
Oh, yeah.
I remember you tried and failed to detain us under your Stalinesque bureaucracy.
Shit.
Fuck.
- Have you been drinking? - I don't have to answer that.
- Oh, Christ, no.
- There you go.
We've got a problem here.
This is a living hell.
- You're not coping.
- Are you just going to stand there? I mean, she helped.
I don't even know her.
You've got that harness too tight.
Oh, you're a harness expert, are you? I thought you were an expert in being annoying.
- Where's your wife? - Search me.
Living in a ditch, hopefully.
You've got way too many clothes on her.
- Him.
- He's sweating.
You're as bad as she was.
Now it's too hot, now it's too cold, don't leave him in the bath on his own.
- OK, you're coming with me.
- Like fuck, I am.
All right, maybe then I'll just slap a section 47 on you.
You're a lawyer.
You know what that means.
I'm a corporate lawyer.
It's part of the 1989 Children Act.
Guarantees an investigation if the child's welfare is considered to be at risk.
Maybe you should ask one the lawyers at your firm to explain further.
I'm sure they'd love to be able.
Fine.
Last time you took John away from us for a couple of hours.
Could do with a break.
Oh, look, it's The Incredible Sulk.
For fuck's sake, I'm too sick and tired of everyone trying to be understanding! - That's the fucking problem! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- So what are you saying now? People are too understanding? - I don't know.
It's just all these teachers are spouting this modern therapy bullshit to show how much they care.
And then the rest of the class all trying to outdo each other to show how OK they are with it.
I just feel like I'm not allowed to feel pissed off about everything or freaked or angry.
Is that how you feel, you feel freaked and angry? I lost my dad when he walked out on us and now it feels like I'm going to you lose my mum.
- Come on.
- Sean.
When I've had you in here before, you've just clammed up.
This is the first time I'm hearing any of this.
I just feel crap that I'm the only person that seems to have a problem with all this.
I fucking hate it, that's how I feel.
- Can we just lose the swearing? - Why the fuck should I? I'm out, aren't I? I'm not excluded, I'm expelled! Well, maybe I didn't have the full picture before.
So, I am prepared to discuss a probationary period with you and your dad.
No, I don't want him to know.
You should just say to your dad everything that you've just said cos you're not saying you don't love him, you're not saying you don't support him.
Why don't I give him a call? I heard something about a victim of abuse at the football club.
I'm just wondering why that's not down here.
- It's historic abuse and the police are dealing with it.
- Right.
Don't get why they investigate.
Surely if it's historic, it happened, end of.
I just wanted to asked before Denise arrives Don't note this.
- I'm not, I'm playing hangman.
- Against yourself? Yeah, I'm really good at it.
I don't try and guess the word, cos obviously that's in my head.
I just really love drawing the hanged man.
Pretend it's an ex.
Better than killing them, eh? I'm just wondering, Mimi, who your choice would have been if Denise hadn't overruled you? Now, steady, Nitin.
Sounds like you've got a mouth full of rather sour grapes there.
I don't like grapes, Martin.
If it's any consolation, Nitin, you did make the long list.
The long list? There were five of us in contention so Exactly.
So OK, was it the dandruff cos I can explain the dandruff? The fact is, that it's not dandruff.
Oh, aside from the dandruff and the long list of other issues, you have RDD.
Is that a posh name for crabs? No, Responsibility Deficit Disorder.
- What? - It's not officially recognised yet.
Theoretical stage, but you have it.
Well, if it's not officially recognised and it's theoretical then it doesn't exist, so, I don't have it.
Definitely have OCD.
It can be linked to Trichotillomania.
- Trickle.
.
? - Hair-pulling disorder.
It actually might explain the dandruff.
There's no dandruff.
There is no dandruff! It's crisps.
Right, let's get on.
Where's Alastair? The Atkins boy turned up.
The father left leading to behavioural issues, remaining parent transitioning? Yeah, he's got a few problems at school so Al's gone up there to try and smooth things over before OK, then will start with Nitin.
- Ben Evans' relapse? - Yeah, he's embarrassed and remorseful but he's committed to staying sober.
- The kids are fine.
The house is clean-ish.
- Meaning? The lid was off the butter tub and I noticed there was some crumbs in it.
I'm a neat freak.
It's one of my bugbears.
- Completely irrelevant, strike that.
- I hate that.
Just strike it, strike it.
Anyway, on my way back, I popped into the supermarket - because you wanted a cake which I forgot - Oh.
I bumped into Zach Stott.
Remember the guy with the wife who left the baby in the supermarket? - Posh boy.
- Yeah, anyway, now his wife has left him with the baby.
How can a woman do that, abandon her baby? Let's not woman shame, Nat.
No-one ever blames a man for walking out.
- They do.
- Not to the same degree.
Women are conditioned to be care givers so when a mother abandons her child they are seen as unnatural beings which is totally unfair.
Too right, girl power! Can we cut the vacuous feminist chit-chat, please? Nitin, carry on.
I brought him in cos he seemed drunk and distraught, and not coping at all.
The baby was overdressed and too tight in the carrier.
OK, Rose, speak to him.
Why am I not being assigned to this, cos I brought him in? - No, no, we need a senior on this.
Rose will do it.
- Senior.
Find out where the mother is and set him straight.
We're not here to pick up the pieces for people who can afford to pay for themselves.
The kid's called Jonty, by the way, which is grounds for intervention in itself.
Stupid names are just child cruelty.
Jonty.
Jonty.
- Jonty? - Yeah.
It's his gran's intervention.
John T? J-O-N-T-Y.
- There was someone at our school called Salome.
- All right.
I can tell by the smirks and the way you're talking about stupid names that you've all been having a great laugh at my expense.
Sorry, I think you might be barking up the wrong tree there, Denise.
Did you just call me Dennis? I will not tolerate such insubordination.
Why would I do that? Because that's what Rose told you my brother was called.
Actually I didn't.
I see, well.
Then .
.
apologies are due on both sides.
Apologies are just due on one side because it was only you who falsely accused everyone in the room.
Do you want to have the world's shortest placement or something? Denise, obviously there's only one victim here and we apologise.
Oh, shut up, Nitin, you obsequious turd! You should probably tell Nat not to note that.
I deliberately used the word obsequious - to stop that from happening.
- Good move, not a clue.
This thing with your brother, is it something you'd like to talk to me about in private .
.
in a professional capacity? Was he the chap in here earlier that asked for your number - because I can see - Meeting adjourned.
It was the eyes.
Rose and Denny sitting in a tree.
H S-H-A? G?G-G-I - Fuck off, Nat.
- Yay.
Top bants.
- Children services, can I help? - Dad won't let me shave.
Your dad won't let you shave? - And I've got a tash.
- How old are you? - I'm eight.
- OK, what's your name? Elisha.
All my friends are making fun of me.
- Thank God, can you take over the rocking? - No.
Fuck's sake, my arm's killing me! Oh, Jesus, I just got her down! - I've spoken to your wife.
- Where is she? - At a friend's.
Which one? Is it Barbara? Bet it's Barbara.
She fucking hates me cos I made a comment about her breast once and it was a compliment as well.
So is she coming back now I've learned my lesson about hard it is - to look after at kid? - Look, she said she's exhausted.
She just needs to get herself together.
- Have you noticed how tired she is? - We hardly see each other, you know.
I've long hours, then I need to unwind.
There's no point in me going home straight away.
- I'd be useless.
- You are fucking useless.
Look, she could be suffering from postnatal depression.
Meanwhile, I'm suffering from her suffering from postnatal depression.
- Have you thought about counselling? - Here we go.
- I don't have a drink problem.
- I meant for your marriage.
All I need from my marriage is for my wife to be at home so I can go to work.
I'm not saying that being a mother isn't a job, but it isn't! Her being a mother isn't what pays the mortgage.
I pay the mortgage.
That's on me and I can't do it if I'm here.
Cleaning shit off baby balls.
I need her to come back.
All right, well, just let her rest up and see how it goes.
I think she just needs some time away from you, as do we all.
Please, please, don't cry.
- Best to leave him with his dad.
- Yeah.
Walk! - You'll let him stay though, yeah? - Yeah, for a trial period.
And, I'll tell his class mates to lay off the tolerance.
- I won't actually phrase it like that.
- Yeah, well Listen, can I have your e-mail address? I I'm just I've got over a relationship actually, a bad one.
I was just going to suggest I could keep you updated on Sean's progress.
Yeah, I'll just type that in.
You're really good with kids.
Better than some of my staff.
Well, I was thinking of a career change, actually.
Maybe teaching would be an option.
It's tricky at your age.
Yeah, right.
I'm just going to pop to the toilet.
Dad asked if you could come back in.
Sure.
And maybe you could drop me a line when you're over the bad one.
All good? Yeah, I think so.
Thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
Just doing my job.
It doesn't look like I'm going to get another one.
I'm glad it's your job, else they might not have let me stay, so Well, look, best of luck.
- Sean, hang on! - I need a shit.
Listen if you go here after school with your dad you can pick up a telly.
- Really? - Yeah.
Don't you want the TV? No, I've bid on two by mistake so I've got a spare.
And I've dealt with that seller before, so don't be offended if she talks to you like you just pissed on her shoes.
It's normal.
OK.
Right, I'm off.
Thanks for the cake.
Helped myself.
Don't thank me, thank Ingrid.
Pretty good.
I love a bit of salted chocolate.
I didn't put any salt in it.
Ingrid, you need to bin that cake.
And it sounds like you need some support with Limahl.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
He just sent me a picture actually.
Seems to be having some sort of party.
Then get home and chuck them out! It might be best to let it run its course.
- I can go and eat in the cafe.
- Do you want me to go and kick them out? I haven't broken up a house party since my time in blue.
- Oh, would you mind? - Sure.
Think of it as payment in kind for having that knob eat the wank cake.
Must have been loads for the taste to cut through though.
Having said that, he's a teenager.
I could go five in a row back in the day.
- Wow! - Not any more! Well, I suppose it's quality, not quantity, isn't it? Well, the quality of the sex I'm having.
Lots of intercourse.
Oh, I thought maybe you had a problem with your penis? No, no problem with my penis.
People, they ain't no good I think that's well understood You can see it everywhere you look People just ain't no good at all.