Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e02 Episode Script

Oh, sorry.
Is that in your way? It's okay.
Oh, I'll get those too.
And the other ones.
Did the garbage guys forget to pick up again? Yeah, they must've forgotten.
Brutal.
Either that, or I passed a bylaw changing garbage pick-ups to every two weeks.
What? Yeah, isn't it great? It's phase one of my new green plan.
"Reduce, reuse, make Wessex cleaner.
" So are we just gonna fill the kitchen with all this? No.
We got the hallway too.
I'll take care of those.
Whoa.
Boy, I picked the wrong week to get rid of all my old campaign stuff.
I'm not gonna find anything in here, am I? No.
Don't open it.
It's my third bag, and it's 10:00 in the morning.
What are you complaining about? Have you even started to use your cupboard space yet? This is a restaurant.
You can't have garbage near food.
And there's only so much stuff I can flush.
You know, if this were the depression, you'd be dreaming for a bag like that.
You got food in there, cutlery.
Fold a napkin, you've got a hat.
I think even people from the depression would think this is garbage.
Garbage from the future, but still garbage.
Is my breakfast ready? No, but I've got this.
Pretend it's the depression.
I'm very happy to be joined today by Joan Nivens, Mayor of Glenbridge, and of course Glenbridge's mascot, Gary the Goat.
Thanks, Dan.
When it comes to the Wessex-Glenbridge Green Initiative, Gary says, "All systems goat.
" Uh, great.
Um, and today, I'm introducing phase two of my green plan.
Of course, you're all familiar with phase one.
Yeah, please don't leave that here.
Um, phase two is even more exciting: a land swap with Glenbridge that gives Wessex the land that it needs to complete its very own Greenbelt! Any questions about the greenbelt? Yes.
What is a greenbelt? Well, in judo, it's two below a black belt.
That's Gary's joke.
Um, it's parkland around the city, protected for biking, hiking.
All the things you never do.
But you can do now, thanks to Glenbridge.
That's right, Dan.
And it won't get your goat! This is amazing.
I've been negotiating with that crazy goat lady for years.
How'd you do it? You know that useless piece of land beside the golf course? The bird sanctuary? No, other side.
Uh, seniors' home? No, further west.
Oh, the community garden.
No, that crappy piece of land by the highway.
You can't develop it, can't sell it.
Can't golf on it.
So hey, I'm in.
We get a green belt, they get useless land.
It's win-lose.
Want me to wrap this up for you? No, I'm good.
Really? It makes great leftovers.
I'm just kind of full.
Oh, you could chop the fries up and throw them on a salad, like fried croutons.
Froutons, I call them.
Froutons.
No, I'm okay.
Please take it, while it's still food.
If I keep it, it's garbage that I have to get rid of.
This is the moment, take it.
Fine, I'll take it home and enjoy it later.
Oh, thank you.
There you go.
Hey, Fern.
Hey.
There you go, there you go.
That's nice.
You wanna try it with a real ball now? Let's do it.
So Mikey, when are you coming down to City Hall to swap out our old computers? They're not working? No, totally crashed last night when I was trying to download So You Think You Can Flute? Wow, it stinks.
I know.
I didn't even get to the flute-off.
No.
I mean, it really stinks here.
Do you smell that? No, I always breathe through my mouth when I golf.
I hate the smell of grass.
What is that? Glenbridge? Should we pretend we didn't see that and play through? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So Dan, good news.
Mike's coming in to fix the computers.
I didn't know there was anything wrong with them.
Oh, yeah.
Megarams totally booched the OS drive on the USB port.
You don't know what you're talking about, do you? No.
But anyway, Mike's coming to fix it.
Oh, and you know what? Glenbridge is dumping all their garbage on that land you gave them.
You're kidding.
No, I'm not kid-d-ding.
I was doing the goat thing.
Yeah.
You try to do something good for a city By defrauding another city And it all goes horribly wrong.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Claire left her takeout here the other day.
Oh.
There's mould on these.
It's hers, take it.
Hey, buddy.
Love the new green garbage trucks.
They remind me of other green trucks.
FYI, you spelt "Wessex" wrong.
Those are Glenbridge trucks.
Oh, that makes more sense.
Wait, no it doesn't.
Oh, Fern, I can explain.
You see, Dan here gave Glenbridge a piece of land.
Our land.
And they're dumping all their garbage on it.
And the land hasn't moved, it's still right next to us.
And they pick up every week, so there's lots of garbage, near us.
You'd think a mayor with a goat would be trustworthy, or stupid.
- Or both.
- I hate goats.
They're sneaky.
See this here? Oh, did you get that from a goat? No, I fell off a ladder.
Really sneaky.
No.
I'm gonna go down to that dump and tell those jerks to stop dumping near our city.
Uh, Dan, not a good idea.
No, seriously.
I'm gonna tell them to get back in their stupid green clown trucks, put their hairy knuckles back on the wheel, and drool their way back to Glenbridge.
Hey, Dan.
You see all these big guys sitting around? Yeah.
Hey.
Those are the guys who drive the trucks.
Welcome to Wessex.
Time for a new green plan.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry, sir.
I want you to stop dumping garbage beside our golf course.
We can dump there if we want to, it's Glenbridge land.
It's Glenbridge land that's furthest from my voters.
But you're stinking up our city.
Would you mind lowering your voice? I just got Gary down.
What? Well, maybe Gary should hear this.
Gary is a goat, Dan.
He's a very clever goat, but he's still a goat.
You tricked me.
No.
You outsmarted yourself.
You assumed that a woman with a goat sleeping in her office was a little bit weird.
Okay, look.
I made some assumptions about you, yes.
And I won't make that mistake again.
So, mayor to mayor, let's just swap the land back.
I walk away from the greenbelt, you walk away from dumping.
That's not the deal that you and I and Gary struck.
Let me buy the land back.
I'm sorry, but I've got a lot of work to do before Gary wakes up.
We've really got to be able to come to some reasonable solution.
I tell you what.
I'll sit down with council, we'll crunch some numbers, and I'll run them by Gary.
Gary is a goat, you nutbar.
I meant Gary O'Brien, our accountant.
Right.
Sorry.
I- I really will stop assuming you're crazy now.
There you go.
And that about does it.
Try her out.
Oh, okay.
Wow, awesome.
I can't really tell the different.
It's cool, huh? Hey, listen, what are your plans for these old components here? Oh, I don't know.
I was thinking maybe a school could use them? Oh, Dan, no.
These are full of dangerous materials.
I mean, kids could lick them or mix them with their food.
You don't know what could happen.
You know, why don't you let me dispose of them for you? Safely, environmentally.
It's kind of how I roll.
Okay.
And, you know, thanks for embracing the green plan.
Green, brother.
Now, I'll need 50 bucks.
Oh.
That's still a good deal.
Yeah, you're right.
I should- Make that $100.
Ah! Look at that.
I pulled an Alan Duffy.
I guess you'd have to know who Alan Duffy is to get the reference, but he's not a very good golfer.
Excuse me.
Look at them over there.
They're the real heroes.
The teenage girls with the fake ID? No, the guys staring at them.
Oh, the garbage guys.
If I hadn't spent my youth playing in bands and opening a bar, my life might've gone a different way.
Into the sexy world of sanitation.
Sometimes I get a little wistful for the road not taken.
So tell me, Terry, what's the biggest dump you ever took? To the landfill.
What? Summer of '98, Glenbridge Folk Festival.
Two and a half tonnes of plastic water bottles, 5,000 half-eaten veggie burgers and a vegan.
Oh, man.
What a life.
Hey, you wanna go sit in one of the trucks? I'll let you push the compactor button.
Score! Great food, by the way.
Love the frouton salad.
Well, we try to keep the menu fresh.
Busy place like this, you gotta be feeling the pinch of the Wessex garbage pick-up.
What gave it away? The gravy in the urinal or the black bear in the dumpster? Tell you what.
When we go today, I'll haul some of this stuff out for you at the Glenbridge dump.
Let me give you a dessert on the house.
All right, thanks.
Cheesecake, any good? Oh, yeah.
Especially if you like nacho cheese.
In Glenbridge, we take clean living to heart.
Other neighbouring city's landfills are increasing at an alarming rate.
But here in Glenbridge, our priority is quality of living.
So if you want a nice, clean place to live, that doesn't stink, you'll find it right here in Glenbridge.
No kidding.
Right, Gary? This is unbelievable.
She didn't crunch the numbers with Gary at all.
Different Gary.
He's an accountant.
Thanks for coming by, Joan.
Well, I'll get right to it.
Those ads, while beautifully shot, make me look bad.
And make Wessegonians look like pigs.
And we're not pigs, we're green.
So green that you're dumping your trash in our landfill? That's not true.
Does this look familiar? That just says "ern's.
" That could be anything.
Okay, play that game.
We'll see what the dump says.
And if I find the other half of this napkin, if I find one "F," you're dead.
And then she threatened me.
She said, "You're dead.
" "You're dead.
" Yeah, but a lot of people do that.
Yeah.
Anyway, Joan says she's gonna go through the dump.
She thinks she's gonna find something.
She's not gonna find something, is she, Jeff? No.
Well, she's probably gonna find that load of garbage the Glenbridge guys took to the dump for us.
Fern! You did what? It was piling up! I can't believe you'd do that.
You know, people are so quick to judge, but have you ever been punched in the shoulder by a black bear? The one in the dumpster punched you? No, it was a different one.
Yes, the one in the dumpster! Don't worry, Dan, I'll get the garbage back.
Jeff got all buddy-buddy with the Glenbridge guys, and they took the garbage from his dumpster- They took garbage from Fern's dumpster? Like, all of it? Yeah, it's kind of what garbage guys do.
Look, the bad part is they put it in the Glenbridge site.
Hey, remember when you asked me about where all our garbage went, and I said I was just packing it better? Yeah.
What I meant was, I put all our garbage in Fern's dumpster.
What? There's a really hairy guy living there, by the way.
Oh, no! Was there anything in there that could point to me, like bank statements, credit card bills, my "property of Dan Phillips" labels? No, nothing like that.
Just garbage.
And all of your old campaign posters.
But they only have your first name.
Okay, all right, we can handle this.
All we have to do is get all the garbage out of there.
Get what garbage out of where? Uh.
Funny thing, it seems some Wessex garbage may have wound up in the Glenbridge landfill.
Weird, huh? Oh, my God.
Wessegonians are illegally dumping in Glenbridge? This is an outrage.
We all make mistakes.
The important thing is we do the right thing, and get it out of there before anyone catches us.
Them.
Yeah, I'm gonna go down there right now and help out.
You don't have to do that, really.
We've got it.
No, no, no.
I insist.
I'm gonna get a head start.
This can't wait.
I just gotta grab my golf bag.
Hey, check this out.
You don't see these too often.
Thompson Tough Stuffer.
Super durable.
You know how many cats you can get in a Tough Stuffer? Twenty-five.
Oh, hey.
Good call on the Glenbridge uniform.
Undercover.
No, this is Terry's gear.
Stayed at his place last night.
Jeff, is this yours? Oh, definitely.
How can you tell? Wet naps and barbecue sauce.
Kind of our signature scent.
Good work, guys.
Glad to see so many people helping out.
I'm gonna fan out along the perimeter, make sure we have everything over there.
You guys keep doing your bit right here.
Nobody move over there.
It's my area.
Hey, I found the part of the napkin with the "F.
" Man, there's a lot of great stuff in here.
Check out this lamp.
We could use another lamp, right? No, that's exactly the kind of stuff I threw out.
In fact, that is the stuff I threw out.
That's your lamp.
Great, now there's gum on it.
It always had gum on it.
Okay, we're done here.
Wow, you should've seen this guy.
He was going through everything.
What a machine.
Just doing my bit.
Huh.
I never knew he was so environmental.
Let's go.
I feel like we're being watched.
We are.
Do you think he's gonna tell anyone? Not if we use the Tough Stuffer.
We're not using the Tough Stuffer.
We had our chance.
So, Joan, heard you didn't find anything at the old dump.
Guess that means Wessegonians are on the up-and-up.
Where's Gary? He didn't come home last night for his feed.
So I went to the City Hall goat pen where he goes sometimes, but all I found was this.
Gary tried to kill himself? I think she's accusing us of taking the goat.
Oh, of kidnapping.
Ha-ha.
Inappropriate.
How would you like it if we stole Wessex's precious black bear? - Oh, he's not our mascot.
- He's more of a threat, really.
If Gary is dead- He's not dead.
How do you know? Because I saw him somewhere.
You did? How did he look? I don't know, like a goat.
You stole their goat? Nice.
Are you feeding him? He has a wheat allergy.
We don't have him.
Well, maybe Wessex will change its tune after I've struck a deal with the hamlets of Burgess Falls and Woodhaven.
I'm gonna collect their garbage too.
And I'm gonna dump it next to your golf course.
That's bad.
They eat a lot of fish in Burgess Falls.
Oh, man.
So where are you keeping the goat? Don't worry, Joan's got nothing on us.
As long as you can promise if I go to your place, I won't find a goat.
Uh, no.
Not the one we saw the other day, anyway.
We should get Glenbridge back.
I agree.
We'll soap their windows.
That's a lot of windows.
Classic prank.
I'd rather take the high road.
We should dump our garbage on the greenbelt land.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure we'd lose the whole "high road" thing there.
I like it.
We'll dump everything we can.
I want all the smelliest, rottenest garbage we can find.
And Mike, I'll need a favour.
Toilet paper the trees? Done and done.
No.
If we're gonna send Joan a message, we'll need to dump all your old computer junk on the greenbelt too.
Whoa.
You're talking crimes against the environment.
You were just suggesting toilet papering all their trees.
Yeah, I know, bit these are hazardous materials, Dan.
Okay, tell me where you take them.
I can probably pull some strings.
No, no.
I'll go talk to the guys at the computer waste drop-off centre.
It might just take me some time.
Stupid revenge plan.
No.
No, no, no.
Don't eat that.
It's incriminating.
You will not eat my computer parts, goat.
Ha-ha.
I gotcha.
I gotcha.
Check it out.
There's a guy choking his goat over there.
I don't need to see that, man.
No, no.
It's an actual goat.
Come here.
Come here.
You don't think that could be Gary, do you? From accounting? No, Gary the goat.
Ha, I got it! Ha-ha.
There you go.
Breathe.
You're a hero, buddy.
You don't understand how much that goat means to this town.
I'm not a hero, I'm just a guy standing next to the river, not doing anything illegal.
Now, let's make sure that Gary or any other town mascot doesn't choke on this garbage again.
I'd rather pollute the river than see another animal suffer.
First of all, I'd like to apologise to Mayor Phillips for accusing him of chèvrecide.
Gary is safe and sound, thanks to the actions of one heroic Wessegonian, Mike Norman.
Thank you.
Yes, I did save Gary, but I know that if the tables were turned, Gary would do the same thing for me.
Uh, don't go anywhere, Mike.
The city of Wessex would also like to recognize Mike Norman for his environmental leadership.
His safe disposal of computer parts is a model for all Wessex businesses.
Mike.
Geez.
Thanks, Dan.
You know, the work itself is reward enough.
Just curious, Dan.
Is there a cash component to the prize? Thanks, Mike.
Also, in the spirit of cooperation, Glenbridge has agreed to stop dumping near our golf course, and we've agreed to share the Wessex-Glenbridge greenbelt land.
So enjoy, everybody! And sorry about dumping all the garbage here.
We'll clean that up soon.
To the green plan.
And to it never coming back.
Cheers.
Oh, let me get you a new coaster.
There's nothing wrong with that one.
Ah, that felt good.
- I miss the garbage.
- Not me.
That bear's a menace.
Tell me about it.
Check this out.
It doesn't even look like a scar.
It's not, it's a rash.
I don't even know how I got it.
Probably Terry's place.