DAVE (2020) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Oh
yeah.
"What do people make songs about?"
What, what, what, what,
what, what, what ♪
How could you take that?
How could you take that? ♪
Don't you even
finish this album, yes ♪
You're gonna make
everybody impressed ♪
Finish this album, yes,
you're gonna make every ♪
The fuck ?
Righty-tighty, righty-tighty
What shall I rap about? ♪
What shall I rap about? ♪
- Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪
- Ow.
How the fuck does this work?
Ooh, yeah ♪
So you want to play with me ♪
Okay, rhyme
And if I don't want to get a
love lust said what I could ♪
Get a ra-ra
get it how I get it ♪
On the shot when you ain't
really get it how I get it ♪
Shoulda, woulda, coulda, what
I shoulda, woulda, coulda ♪
And I shoulda, woulda, coulda,
and I shoulda but I didn't ♪
No, I never seen crap, crap ♪
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap ♪
Let me go to the back,
fuck from the back ♪
Hit it from the back, then mm ♪
Hit it from the back, then, ugh. ♪
That's good.
Ain't never seen no ah ♪
Come get a ride with the beat
who ah, ugh ♪
I was trying to beat to ah ♪
This sucks.
Uh, uh ♪
Ugh! Ugh!
Mike, there are ants everywhere!
- What?
- There are ants all over the place.
How am I supposed to make an album
if there's fucking ants crawling?
- Explain that to me.
- Ants are distracting you from making an album?
- Yes.
- Little tiny things that crawl around
- are really ruining your album-making?
- They're on my microphone,
in my studio, crawling on the walls.
Do you see them right here?
- Acknowledge it.
- I-I see it. I am acknowledging it.
I'm also acknowledging
this feels like you got
too high again. Is that what this is?
- I'm not too high.
- You are.
You have cottonmouth, you're
you're dry again. I can hear it.
- Give me the vacuum, dude. I'll do it.
- Yeah, take it. And
- I'll take care of it.
- You said you'd clean up the fucking house.
- That never happened, so
- That helps. Thank you so much.
By the way, I'm bringing the
ants up to the new label person.
- Sorry.
- The new label person gave us this house
to get away from distractions,
and now all you're doing
is trying to find distractions.
Dave, I know making
an album is hard, but
Excuse me? What-what do you know
about making an album?
- Just out of curiosity?
- I know that you don't have anything.
Not at all. You've got nothing.
And the only way to get something
- is to start doing something.
- I'm trying.
Hey, Dave, you ain't never
lied about this VR porn, bro.
She getting straight to the action.
You don't need to be holding
the remotes. You're in, like
- There's nothing Are your hands white?
- Yeah. Why?
- Why not?
- Because of systemic racism.
- This is what I'm talking about.
- What do you mean?
$1,900 last week on sex paraphernalia
- instead of making an album.
- Thank God
- I have these machines. I'm not dating.
- Oh, shit!
Imagine if I was dating someone
right now and spending money
and going on dates, like,
that's so time-consuming.
This is a net savings on time.
I have to cream, don't I?
You have to cream? Can you cream
a little bit less, then?
- I love you, Gata.
- I'm over here just twisting nips, bro.
I see.
- Elz.
- What's good?
Didn't you have a pretty bad ant problem
at your place at La Brea?
Oh, my God, I wish. I had crickets.
- They were the worst.
- What city are you in right now?
- Is it Copenhagen?
- Bro, I'm in L.A. right now.
I'm in L.A. I'm just walking my dog.
You're back in L.A.?
- Yeah.
- How long have you been back?
- A week.
- A week?
And you didn't even tell me about it?
I mean, I don't know,
w-was I supposed to?
That's so weird that you'd not
tell me when you came back.
I think it's weirder for you
to think that it's weird
that I didn't tell you
that I got back home.
- Okay.
- But I'm just trying to catch my bearings.
I'm having a thing tonight,
though, if you're around.
Me and the homies are gonna
throw a little shindig.
So, let me ask you this.
If I didn't call you right now,
would I have even gotten
a secondhand invitation to this thing?
Dude, I just started thinking about this
and just started hitting people
up about it, so relax.
Is Ally going?
By the way, I don't care if she is,
I just have to know those things.
Dude, you're so weird.
What if she is there? Whatever.
I texted her about it, but, like,
don't be weird about her coming
if she comes, though.
Shut up. Text me the info.
- All right, weirdo.
- I love you. Bye.
This shit is crazy.
I think I'm gonna see Ally tonight.
Oh, my, I think he's about to ejaculate.
What did you think was gonna
happen at the end of the porn?
I'm gonna talk about Korea,
you can mention the ants,
but, uh, can you not tell them
where you are musically?
This isn't about the ants,
okay? This is about setting a tone.
There's a new person we're talking to.
Okay, well, do you realize
your pant is coated in mud?
I wouldn't say it's coated,
but yeah, I had to deal
with all the ants and I tripped
in mud, Mike, sue me.
Okay. I'm not gonna sue you,
but it sounds like
- you had time to change.
- Mike and Dave.
- Tessa.
- So great to meet you guys in person.
- Hello. How are you? It's great to see you.
- Welcome.
Hey. Oh Hey.
- Uh
- So good to put a name
to that, there to your face.
- Sure, well, follow me.
- Okay.
Dave, I hear you are a Perrier man.
I am. You did your research, huh?
Yeah. We got a file on you.
It's great that you're a woman,
by the way. That's dope.
- Thanks.
- Uh, but let's talk about a few things.
The main thing is that our house
is totally overrun by ants.
- What?
- And it's disgusting.
- Completely unacceptable.
- Oh, my God, Dave,
I couldn't agree more. That's gross.
Oh.
Okay.
That's not the only reason
we're here, obviously.
Oh, no, no, no. Please. Your
house is infested with pests.
We'll take care of it right away.
Can you hold tight
for a second or should
we be talking relocation?
- How bad is it?
- It's not bad.
The important thing is
that you're identifying it
- as a problem. Thank you.
- Yeah.
You should also be aware that we
can't be incurred for any costs
that come with poisoning
the insectoids or
- Oh, no, we got, we got that.
- Okay.
That's on us, for sure.
Because our budget
is already pencil-dick thin.
- So
- Yeah, speaking of the budget,
some shit went down in Korea.
Uh, the uh, I've been reaching out
to the State Department as well
as multiple insurance companies.
- Our intern Dan who is safe, by the way
- Mm.
is working a desk job,
he's been militarized.
Oh.
I think it'll be good for him,
to tap in
You know, we can talk about Korea later.
I was thinking today would be
the perfect opportunity
to finally set that release date.
- Release date?
- I don't think we're
I don't think today's
the day we're actually gonna
commit to something, though,
unfortunately.
I-I can't see myself committing
to anything of the sort.
Look, I get it. I do, but, you know,
once you settle on a date,
that helps us unlock
what we can do for you.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, the marketing, the promos,
avoiding other releases,
and dates get snapped up, quick.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- But, you know, just, whatever you're comfortable with.
A-And I get it. I used
to be a marketing guy.
I think about these things all the time.
- I sit at home and I think.
- Mm-hmm.
I have, like, things written
down, all over the room,
- written.
- Love that.
What if we released my album on 9/11?
- Mm. Hmm.
- Yeah.
Honestly, in my humble opinion,
9/11 the date
should not always be
about 9/11 the attack.
- Forever. - Ooh.
- Okay, well,
this 9/11 the date
is the 20th anniversary
of the 9/11 attack,
so this year it heavily will be.
Mm. What about April Fools' Day?
Dave, are you kidding? That's genius.
- Right? It is clever.
- It's so clever.
- 4/1.
- But will people think it's real?
- Yes.
- They'll press play and they'll know it's real.
All right, it is smart.
Good, well, how about
why don't we just pencil it in?
No, put it in pen.
Done.
- I like it.
- I love it.
We'll do 4/1. Perfect.
Do ants have souls?
I think all animals have souls.
Yeah, but an ant's not
an animal, it's an insect.
Insects are animals.
They eat, breathe, have
intentions, social groups.
What do you think a soul is?
So, a fish
is an animal.
It's not a fish.
A fish is most definitely an animal.
A lamb is an animal.
- A chop.
- We're not gonna list animals right now.
All right.
How are you and Ally getting
to this Elz thing tonight?
- I'd love to
- I'm
get in sync about arrival and
It
You don't even have a soul.
I can't lie, I'm pretty
jacked up about the whole thing.
I've been thinking about it all day,
really playing out how it's gonna go.
It's been so long since
I've seen her and
you know, emotions are gonna
be running high.
- Does she know about my new house?
- Yeah.
I-I feel like I might cry
when I see her, and not because
of any romantic feelings,
but mostly because of what she means
- in terms of my old life.
- Okay, I'm gonna say something controversial.
Okay.
Have you considered that maybe
you shouldn't see Ally?
Ever? I should just never see
Ally for the rest of my life?
You're not trying to get back
together with her, right?
No, but she's, like, one
of my best friends of all time.
I don't want to just lose that forever.
Well, how do you know Ally wants that?
Did she say something to you?
Is she not coming tonight?
No, I honestly haven't talked to her.
I thought you were giving her space.
Why is the ball always in her court?
It's in both your courts, but demanding
a friendship from her doesn't
make you a good friend.
What do you mean?
I'm the guy who's, like,
fighting to keep the friendship alive.
I'm the only one, like,
trying to salvage this thing.
Look, if she's, like, totally
fine with neither of us
being in each other's lives
for the rest of our life,
she's not who I thought she was.
- Oh, shit.
- Whoa. Jesus.
Shit.
Learn how to drive, bitch!
This motherfucker
What are you doing?
What are you doing? Hey. Hey!
What are you doing?
Oh, my God, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Hey!
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
What just happened?
I'm not a bad driver.
Okay. No need to get
all schizoid, right?
Where were we?
I think you were telling me how
I should be conducting myself.
I like what I like. I don't
know what to tell you.
- When I have sex, like, I like
- Uh-huh?
You know what I mean?
Like, I'll rub my mound,
you know, however
Oh, my God.
Benny, you have to bring
this guy around more often.
No, seriously. I'm obsessed with him.
- Oh.
- How could I not?
This guy's the next Jason Momoa.
However, I literally haven't had
sex in four and a half months,
strictly out of fear.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
Yeah. Not since my
ex-girlfriend, unfortunately.
The pros never outweigh the cons.
- Mm.
- So many things can go wrong, so
I mean, orgasm, is it really
worth, like, a whole year
of, like, thought and debate?
What are you afraid of? STDs?
Yeah. I'm a pretty fear-based man.
- Oh.
- Um
It's just kind of
a scary world out there.
You don't know who's who.
- Right.
- So I kind of just
- do my own thing and
- No, no, no.
This guy literally has a thing
called a "Autoblow".
It's, like, a box with a motor in it.
It goes like
And he takes his hard cock
and just shoves it in
- and it sucks your dick.
- Yeah.
It's called the Autoblow.
So this is for sucking?
Yeah. Like, I, uh, at home,
I, like, kind of borderline have
reinvented masturbation.
I have all types of gear, machinery.
I don't know what it is about machines.
All right, let's get out of here.
We got to make this movie.
- Leave right now?
- Yeah.
I-I don't like to miss the previews.
- I want to get snacks.
- All right.
I am getting a bit pruney.
Okay. All right.
Have fun. See you next time.
- Dave?
- Hmm?
I've literally never seen Kendall
laugh like that in my entire life.
Oh. Great, that's cool.
Yeah. Like, I-I actually think
you could probably hook up with her.
Swear to God?
Stop. Really?
No.
Kendall, he thinks
he could hook up with you.
What? I love you, but no.
Oh. I didn't
I love you, too.
I can't remember
the last time I went out.
Well, you out here, man,
and these hos is full-fledged, bro.
You a famous rapper, top-tier.
You better get you
one of these baddies, bro.
- This the spot?
- Yeah.
- Do people still grind?
- People grinding every day, bro.
Just get one more hit before
we go in, 'cause I can't drink.
- I'm on Accutane.
- Man.
It's cherrying.
- It's that good.
- Yeah. Uh, David Burd?
It's just Kush.
It's just
What are you doing? Uh ♪
Run up on me, what you doing? Uh ♪
Uh, I just be shooting, uh,
I know ♪
What's Elz's last name for the tab?
Gorganzola.
Gorganzola, Gorganzola.
Yeah, it's Gorganzola.
Yeah, Blatt, yeah, Glatt ♪
I got these racks on me, me ♪
Your bitch want fuck on me ♪
You know, you can just ask to
To be cool.
Ask what?
Is that not what
I'm sorry, I-I'm, uh,
a rapper, I thought you were
I misunderstood the whole thing.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
It's all good, bro. We like
to stay positive around here.
- Yeah.
- You niggas despise ♪
I'm high, if I jump
and I run I could glide ♪
I walk in this bitch
with the glick by my side ♪
She's dealing with the homies, and doing
what she fucking wants to do.
Bro, her boyfriend's outside the bus,
- and she was like
- My soldier back from war!
Like this, and so he's like,
mad as fuck outside,
yelling at everybody.
This motherfucker comes
and knocks on the tour bus
and he's yelling like,
"Where's my fucking girlfriend?
Where's my girlfriend?"
Pulls out a knife
like one of those real butterfly knives,
where you press the button
and it shoots out
and he throws the fucking knife,
he puts his fists up.
You know we brought Scoot
with us to Norway, like
- Scoot Loco? Yeah.
- Scoot was there?
- Exactly.
- Snoop?
No, no, no, the homie Scoot.
I met Snoop Dogg pretty recently.
- Okay. Crazy.
- Such a iconic
You know, I'm trying
to explain to her, like,
"Your boyfriend just got
fucking knocked down.
Come on, bro. What am I supposed to do?"
So I turned to him, I'm like,
"Go deal with it".
Boom. Scoot knocks him out immediately.
Is there food here?
I'm in the middle of a story.
Oh, rea I thought it ended
when the guy got knocked out.
- No, no, no. No.
- Crested narratively.
All the sudden the girl
comes outside the bus
I'm Dave, by the way.
He hasn't introduced us.
It's good to meet you.
I apologize for
- Nice to meet you, bro. Yeah.
- You, too, man.
Lakers are my second favorite team.
Who's first?
Sixers. Fuck you. I'm just kidding.
Second favorite. But I like you,
I like your game.
I like the way you carry
yourself on the court.
You're gorgeous.
- Yeah.
- Okay. So when he leaves,
I'm like, "Bro, this
motherfucker is trippin'".
We on the X, we on the codeine ♪
Hey, yo, can I get an Absolut and soda?
- Such a weird vibe here.
- What are you talking about?
I just seen a guy in a corner
buying art off an iPad.
Like, next-level shit.
Elz is going Hollywood.
Can you feel the body acne
through my shirt?
You definitely got the mumps, bro.
I don't have the fucking mumps.
He gonna lose his last breath,
racks on my baby ♪
Well, thank God Ally ain't here, man,
'cause you discombobulated, in a daze.
That's not how you bag a bitch, bro.
I'm not trying to bag a bitch, Gata,
I'm trying to be friends
with a bitch, again.
You know?
Like, she's my fucking ex
She's an important Hey!
All that condensation is
smacking me in the face
when you shake it
like that. It's like
You're not making it for James Bond.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, she's here. She's here.
I'm gonna position myself.
I'm on the X, I'm on the codeine ♪
I'm on the X, I'm on the codeine ♪
I'm on the X, I'm on the codeine ♪
I'm on the X, I'm on the codeine ♪
We on the X, we on the codeine ♪
We on the X, we on the codeine ♪
We on the X ♪
Where's Ally?
She's not here.
Really?
Look, I don't know
if or when she's coming.
We sort of just missed
each other all day.
- Great.
- Gata!
- What's up, Emma?
- What's up?
Well, you didn't miss anything
here. This place is, like,
not fun.
I like this spot.
I'm the one who suggested it to Elz.
- It's low-key.
- See? Her and Elz smashed
and they still cool, cordial.
Yo, Guzman! Hey, what's up, nigga?
What did he just say?
Are they still serving food?
You had sex with Elz?
And I don't even know about it?
And Gata knows about it?
You don't even know Gata.
- It was nothing.
- Nothing?
It sounds like it was everything.
It was a home run.
All the bases were hit.
What do you mean, nothing?
Was it unprotected?
- Did you fuck him raw?
- Shut up! Now you see
- why I didn't tell you?
- Yeah, probably 'cause
you don't want to look
like a hypocrite for saying
you can't be friends with
someone that you sleep with.
I'm not indulging this,
but if I was, I would point out
that my shit with Elz
was dumb and awkward,
and you and Ally actually
had a real relationship.
It's not one-to-one.
Can you text Ally
and ask her ETA for me?
I'm getting food.
There's no fucking food here.
You're wasting your time.
The whole event is mismanaged.
Y'all gonna win that chip or what?
I'm trying to come to the game
or something.
I'm on the X, I'm on the codeine. ♪
No, I love working with him,
but nah, nah.
Ye, Ye's not like that.
He wants to see what I come up with.
So I-I've just been staring
at this picture he gave me
of this half-man, half-beast,
- those are my parameters.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
It's my party. Excuse me. I get
to use the bathroom when I want.
- Whoa, time-out.
- Shut up, cutie.
Don't touch my back, please.
- Ow.
- Move, move, move.
You like to sit down when you pee,
you look like a weirdo.
At a certain point, we should
probably acknowledge
the fact that you're wearing earrings.
It's been acknowledged.
We should also acknowledge
the fact that you just sat
on a toilet bare-ass
with no seat cover on it.
A seat cover?
Yeah, a seat cover. What is
What are you saying?
What is a seat I don't know,
what is that?
Look behind your head, fool.
The changing babies thing?
That's not for changing babies,
bro, that's for your ass.
Well, I didn't see anything
glistening on this thing, so
Oh, my God.
How's your little album going?
Great. Uh, my house
my new house, that I live in,
that's multimillion is so good
at creativity-causing.
I've been waiting for beats
for a while, haven't gotten any.
Don't know what's going on with you.
Did you just stop working?
No, I been working a lot.
I've just been busy with
some projects and stuff.
- Ooh.
- Like what?
Things I can't talk about. Damn.
Things you can't talk about?
- Steve Lacy.
- Who?
Steve La See? Look,
you're just not in on shit.
You're just more, like,
surface-level, like
Benny and Damon Power.
You're one of those people
who pulls up to, like,
a concert, you're like,
"Yeah, I love"
You should probably wipe
the cocaine off your nose
before you, like, say anything
or do anything else.
And don't worry about me
publicizing that useless
information; I'm not tweeting about it.
You're just so salty that
Ally's not here.
See you out there, dork.
This guy just did coke in here!
You wan' book me for a show,
I'm charging ten for that ♪
Yeah, all that back and forth,
we ain't into that ♪
Yeah, if you want some smoke,
then we sending that ♪
We got 50s in them Tommy's,
I'm Bin Laden ♪
Bend the corner, hit the block ♪
We finna trap 'em ♪
If I die, don't be sad ♪
Throw a party ♪
'Cause my kids, they gonna
finish what I started ♪
Keep me out the loop,
no more Internet ♪
You wan' book me for a show,
I'm charging ♪
Thanks.
You won't even believe what happened.
Anybody got a lighter I could use?
Lighter?
Little Dicky.
Yeah. Hey, ow!
Jesus Christ. Please.
Oh, shit, you're that rapper.
That had the video that was trending.
- It totally is.
- How is that a basic question?
There's, like, literally nothing deeper
than someone's biggest fears in life.
What are you talking about?
Fine, um, my parents die,
my career doesn't go how I want it to.
- Um, I don't find love.
- Wow.
Oh, actually, you know what,
don't even take those off.
- There's, uh, yeah.
- Oh.
There's ant poison all over.
Oh, my God.
What is life right now?
- Um, so
- Ah
This looks a lot like
The Chainsmokers' house.
- Cool.
- Yeah. Yeah.
They don't even smoke bogues.
- You know?
- What-What's a bogue?
You're funny.
So, can I get a tour?
Yeah. Uh
you know, I sit in that chair, often.
And at long last, we have the studio.
Ah. Oh, okay.
We have to take a picture at some point.
Don't let me forget.
- Okay, yeah.
- This is so funny.
- It's hilarious.
- Should we keep drinking?
Uh, I don't know. I feel like
we're here, we made it. Like,
do we, you know ?
By the way, I'm also
I didn't drink. I'm I smoked.
- I'm faded.
- Oh.
- Okay, cool. That's fine.
- Chicken fingers?
Um, I don't eat animals.
Well, except fish.
Fish is an animal, I learned, I know.
Uh
But are you pescatarian?
No. I'm Catholic.
Like
it's not a religious thing.
I just love animals.
I hate cruelty.
- For sure.
- Yeah.
Um
have you ever heard yourself
sing in Auto-Tune?
Nope.
- Never?
- No.
Are you ready for me to change
the way that you see the world?
You think it's gonna change
the way I see the world?
Well, not literally,
but, you know, it's a phra
- Here, put this on.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And we are off to the races.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
Sing anything, it'll sound great ♪
What do you want me to talk about?
Whatever you want,
the world is your oyster ♪
Have it your way ♪
Okay. Um
This is so weird.
Say anything ♪
Anything ♪
- Get it?
- I get it.
But, like
It'll work so much better
if you talk for a while ♪
And make sentences out of it ♪
And you go up and down, you know ♪
I ♪
- I just don't know what to say.
- Just, like, say anything.
Anything ♪
Want me to give you a topic? ♪
Yeah, give me a topic.
Sing about stocks ♪
- Bonds ♪
- Stocks ♪
- Let's just sing about stocks ♪
- Bonds ♪
I mean actually say sentences
about them ♪
Okay, um
I don't know anything about stocks.
No, I know.
But, like, it's not
You know, anything.
No, no-no-no, no, no ♪
No, no-no-no, no, no, no, no ♪
You sound really sexy when you do it.
Thanks.
You sound, you're ♪
You are hot, you're hot ♪
- Uh, yeah.
- Thanks.
Absolutely.
So, is your dick really as weird
as they say it is?
What?
Is it?
I want to try it out.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I um
I'm sorry, I just have the
longest day ever tomorrow, so
- It's cool. I get it.
- All right. Buckle up, okay?
Just 'cause it's a Lyft doesn't
mean that it can't, you know,
get into accidents it's a normal car.
- Okay.
- All right, be safe.
- Bye.
- Good to meet you.
Ah, ah. Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Is your dick really
as weird as they say it is?
Dave.
Is it?
I want to try it out.
Do you want to go upstairs?
Duh.
Okay.
Let's go.
All right, come on.
Okay.