Derek s02e02 Episode Script

1 (BIRDSONG) (HE GASPS) Ripped By mstoll Tom.
She's ovulating.
So, go and do it.
Right.
- You can use my room, if you're quick.
- Are you going to be quick? - I'll time it, if you want.
- DEREK: Oh! Yeah, time it.
Interesting.
Starting now.
Yeah.
- How long do you think it will take? - It takes me about an hour.
- Why? - 58 minutes of that is masturbating.
(LOW CHATTER) Eight minutes.
That can't have been much fun for Hannah.
It was fine.
It's fun, innit? Even if it's short, it's still fun.
Yes, it is, Derek.
Why are you talking funny? Does sex make you talk funny? - Vicky? - Yeah? - Tweet that.
Sex makes you talks funny.
- Don't tweet that.
Tell you what, if it's as good as I'm imagining, you had a whale of a time, boy.
- DEREK: What are you imagining? - Him doing her from behind.
(SIGHS) (TUTS AND SIGHS) There aren't any secrets, are there? Everything's out there.
- (CHUCKLES) - Yes, we're trying for a baby, yeah.
So but it's a gamble.
See? What do you mean? What do you mean, it's a gamble? We don't We don't know, do we? We don't know if we're fertile.
Of course we're fertile.
We're Course we are.
Well, you don't know, do you? I've never I've never been pregnant before.
You said you'd never got anyone pregnant.
Because I've always worn a Yeah, I know, but you don't know, do you? It's always a gamble to know.
No.
I mean, I know.
You - I mean, they're healthy - All right.
heavy, you know, they've been to - All right.
I'm not having a go at your manhood.
I'm just saying.
- They've been to sea.
- Right.
- They're amazing.
- OK, well, it's intimidating.
- Right.
Oh, well, I hope I can step up.
- Er it printed out.
- What's printed out? What's that? - My own copy of your ovulation chart.
- What? - What? So I don't have to keep coming in here and ticking it.
What are those ticks? That's when you had sex.
I plonked it on here.
It's just an experiment.
- It's interesting, innit? - Derek, can I have that chart back? Come on.
I'm just It also shows how long it takes you each time.
Why did that one take longer? 11 minutes, that one.
(BIRDSONG) He's frustrated, cos Dougie's off today.
Yeah.
He's taking his holiday leave as part of his notice.
He's moving to Manchester so we ain't got anywhere to live, me and Kev, but, right, Jack's grandson is letting us have an old caravan so we can live in that in the car park, innit? Yeah.
That's, erm, that's been going on.
We, er, we are going to be interviewing for a new caretaker.
And, erm Geoff's been helping out in the meantime, but we, er we are going to be interviewing.
Linda Garvey's going to come down and give me a hand with the interviews.
I'm going to go for the job.
Yeah.
I said Kev could go for the job, if he cleans his act up.
Yeah.
Actually, question regarding that topic.
If I do clean my act up, you know, do all the washing bullshit, stop the booze, and it doesn't work out between you and Tom, would you go out with me? No.
Well, actually, I should explain that by "go out with", you know, I mean sexual intercourse, no strings attached.
Yeah? Now answer.
No.
Reasons, please? Well I think that you would be better suited to going out with a woman that hasn't seen you suck Special Brew that's been spilt on the carpet, or seen you naked in bed with an old lady or shit yourself in a meeting.
OK.
So, that's a no to full-on sex.
- But - No.
- No, hold on, hold on.
- Well, it'll be no.
There's lots of other stuff we can do.
- Hand jobs? - No.
- Gob job? - No.
- Foot job? - No.
- Would you be interested in a boobathon? - What is that? I don't know.
It's me bashing those things around for God knows how long.
No.
I suppose, er that doesn't change the deal? In what way? Well, that's been places Bear Grylls hasn't been, love.
Oh! Kev.
Where was the last place it went? Up a U-bend? Oh, that's funny.
Have a go at a bloke with gum disease, why don't you? Well, you wouldn't have a gum disease if you brushed your teeth.
Oh, really? Simple as that, is it? - Yes.
- Is it? Yes.
Brush your teeth twice a day and floss after meals.
Fuckin' floss? What am I, a batty boy now? (SIGHS) Just sort your act out, Kev.
Go to an AA meeting and say that you want to be there.
I don't, particularly.
Yeah, well, that's how it works.
You have to say you want to be there, that you got there off your own steam.
- And and smarten yourself up.
- He will.
He will.
We'II we'II yeah, we'll go to a AA meeting, he'll stop drinking, and we'll clean him up.
- Oh! We'll get him a tie.
- It'll need more than a tie.
No, but that's what it says on Dragons' Den.
They says, "You turned up without a tie, "you haven't got you haven't got the job, but" Yeah, but a tie is a fight in a hurricane, when it comes to Kevin.
Yeah, but if he's smart and he's sober, and then he's the best man for the job, - he'll get the job, won't he? - Well, we'll see.
Yeah, but if he's the best man for the job, he'll get the job, won't he? We'll see.
Yeah, you get the job if you're the best man for the - Derek! Ha-ha! We'll see.
- Yeah, we'll see.
Come on, then.
Let's clean you up - and then you'll get the job.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, excellent.
What is that smell? It's a bloody farce, in't it? I'm already doing the job, but, apparently, I've got to apply.
You've already got a young, capable, British man here.
Apparently, that's not good enough.
It's all this PC nonsense, in't it? It's all EU bollocks.
- This is silly.
- Why? Well, if I'm going to be a caretaker, I'll be covered in grime anyway.
KEV: I'm going for the job here.
Gonna go to AA as well.
Feels nice.
For the first time in my life, I'm l'm trying.
I'm wearing a dead bloke's tie.
But, er hopefully it'll bring me a bit of luck.
Didn't bring him luck.
Thank you, babe.
Nice work.
- Yeah.
- Fucking hell.
It's nice, having everyone around me sort of sorting me out, dressing me up, - doing my hair.
- Careful! Comb his moustache.
- I feel quite confident.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hiya.
- You all right? Er, I've dumped the caravan in the car park.
Is that all right? - Oh.
OK, great.
- Good, all right.
See you.
- D'you want to say hello to your grandad? - Well, yeah, all right.
- Is the caravan here? - Yeah.
Excellent.
Kev, caravan's here.
I'm moving in.
Shall I pack? Shall we pack? I've packed, mate.
It's all in a bin bag by the bog.
Grandad.
JACK: Oh, a grandfather-and-grandson relationship is wonderful.
You don't have the discipline element.
So, we used to go off on expeditions together.
I mean, to start with, it's children's playgrounds.
You know, swings and roundabouts.
But then we went on a caravanning holiday, and the river ran through the site.
So, I took my, um my fishing rod, and we sat on the bank, and I showed him how to do a a cast, you know, so the fly landed very delicately in the right place.
It's actually it's quite a difficult skill so I thought he'd give up.
But he stayed hours there, really focusing on this, you know.
Of course, all this is a long time ago.
I mean, he hasn't got time.
I don't see him very much any more because he's got a very important job.
HANNAH: Wow.
There she is.
- Wow.
- That is brilliant.
We can live in it for ever.
Why would you want to live in there? - Cos it's excellent.
- Well, you can have it.
It's a bit small for two people to live in, innit? - Well, it's going to be pretty cosy.
- We likes that, don't we, Kev? Like a nest.
Oh! It's brilliant.
Look, sink.
Cooker.
- Shower.
Mirror.
- Yeah.
Look, two beds, cupboards.
Ah, pickled onions! Get out of the way, mate.
I'm having this one.
- Can I have them? - Yeah.
They're about two years old.
Oh! Even more pickled.
Excellent.
Testing the bed? - Yeah, mate.
- Yeah, brilliant.
- Comfy.
- Let's get you in position.
(CARAVAN RATTLING) Sh.
(CARAVAN RATTLING) KEV: It's all right.
Here, babe.
Up you get.
What you been doing? Huh? - (CARAVAN RATTLING) - You're always eating blancmange.
(FEET BANGING) No, I'm not enjoying it.
KEV: Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Uh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Whoo.
Do you mind if mind if your sister joins us? Yeah, come in.
Let's have some fun.
(SPOON HITS BOWL) They flips over cos they're round, don't they? Are you just eating them by themselves? - Yeah.
- You'll get indigestion.
- I have some Tums.
- He loves Tums.
- I love Tums, don't I? - Yeah.
I eats as many pickled onions as I likes, then if I get indigestion, I just have some Tums.
Oh! Sometimes, right, when I haven't even had pickled onions, and I haven't got indigestion, I just eats Tums, don't I, cos I likes them? - KEV: He loves Tums.
- I love Tums.
Anyway, I work for, arguably, one of the best banking groups in the world.
- Is that a good job? - Just a bit, yeah.
- What do you do? - Wow, très difficile to explain yon.
Erm I manage very rich people's money.
Why? Er so that they can turn it into even more money.
What? What? I thought you said they was rich.
Well, they want to be richer.
- Why? - So that they have even more money.
But why don't you help poor people get more money? Well, they haven't got enough money to do anything with in the first place.
Exactly.
- Don't you want more money? - I ain't got any money.
Exactly.
So, you know, if you got a better job What's a better job than this? OK, right, let's say you get a job that pays you lots of money.
Then, you can buy more things, you can get a better house, a better car, then you'd be important, and you'd probably get an even better job.
- Why? - Well, so that you make more money.
Why? So you make enough money - that you could retire early.
- Why? So you could do exactly what you wanted all day, every day.
That's what I does now.
- That's what he does now, mate.
- Innit? JACK: We spent a lot of time together when he was young.
It was a real privilege having such a sweet little guy around.
He was hanging on my every word.
He even laughed at my jokes.
He probably didn't find them funny, but he laughed anyway, because I was his grandad.
I still am.
- Do you feel funny? - Yeah, I've got an onion headache.
That's happened to me before.
How do you live without money? Same as you lives with money, but with a lot less money.
What if you want something? I wants to talk to these people, and that's free.
- You want to talk to this lot?! - Yeah.
Say you know everything about them, then what? No, cos next time you talk to them, they've learnt summat new.
Or, cos they've lived such a long time, they've got so many stories, they never runs out.
And and I don't mind even hearing a story twice, cos it's so interesting.
Your grandad's interesting.
He's got loads of stories.
He's brilliant.
Yeah, but he can't hear what you say back.
DEREK: Just listen, then.
Well, will you teach me to make them pretend dragonflies, what fools a fish? - I don't know how.
- Yeah, you do.
You used to do it when you was little.
You used to make brilliant dragonflies.
I don't remember.
- Why not? - It's not important.
Your grandad remembers.
Why don't the fish know? Why don't the fish know? Cos they just sees it on the water and they just thinks, "That looks like a dragonfly.
" What do you make it out of? Is it cotton? Why do they eat dragonflies? Do they eat all flies? Can you make a pretend worm? They uses real worms but pretend dragonflies.
Why? Is it is it cos a fish can tell a fake worm but he doesn't know what a what a real dragonfly looks like? MAN ON TV: the star master of celebs, the big square himself, Bob Monkhousel Don't you ever wish for anything? Erm, I just wishes everyone is safe and healthy.
If you've got your friends and family around you, that's everything.
They're the most important things in the world, and when they're gone, that's it.
You'll never see 'em again.
Challenge TV.
D'you know it? It's all the old quiz shows, just over and over again.
Which is brilliant, cos we don't remember the answers from the first time round.
I likes them all.
This is my favourite, Celebrity Squares.
BOB: on this happy season of Bob and the big box game, we play the game You've got to remember the samba and the conga, the paso doble and the cha-cha-cha and the mazurka Oh, if only we knew back then what we know now, Derek.
What? That whole diagonal line.
Kiddie fiddlers.
- Are any of them still alive? - Yeah.
The one with the puppet's still prowling about.
BOB: I'm very pleased and very happy and I DEREK: I loves old people.
I think I've learned everything I knows off old people.
They're wise.
Some people think they've got nothing to say, cos they just sits there, and they're quiet.
But they only sits there and they're quiet cos people thinks they got nothing to say so they don't talk to 'em.
But if you takes the time to talk to 'em, and ask them things, they tells you stuff.
- (BIRDSONG) - It's brilliant.
Just a kind word.
They realises you've noticed 'em.
Or even just a smile.
They lights up.
It makes their day, and that makes me happy.
Ohl That's the amazing thing about kindness.
It makes you feel good.
Whether you're the one handing it out, or the one receiving it.
Yeah.
That's what I thinks, anyway.
(INAUDIBLE) I hope you're keeping your testicles cool.
(HE CLEARS THROAT) It helps with fertility.
You keep 'em cool, and you have balls full of healthy semen.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Annie.
Always willing to help.
- All right.
- You remember that.
I'm never going to forget that.
And don't wear tight underpants, cos it keeps them - OK! all hot and scrunched up.
- I get it, I get it, I get it.
- Yeah.
Yes, thank you.
Not long now.
He's going full pelt.
Yeah.
There we go.
Right on cue.
Excellent.
They've just done it again.
That could be the one that gets the baby, couldn't it? Never know.
HANNAH: Probably the worst place in the world to try and conceive a child.
Everybody knows what you're doing.
Just got to get it done.
Got to get in, get it done, get back to work.
Romantic(!) Kev's just been to his first AA meeting, innit? So, he's not alcoholic any more.
- Derek.
- What? Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
But I'm in recovery.
- What was it like? - KEV: Awful.
A load of losers at their lowest ebb.
I did not fit in.
It's a 12-step programme, which involves keeping a diary, helping people, and apologising for any little wrongdoings, and, if you don't mind, I'd like to start off with this little lady here.
Hannah, I apologise.
What for? For many years, I've been having carnal thoughts about you, which have increased in depravity over the last six months, and I am deeply, deeply sorry.
I don't want to know.
Well, you have to.
It's for my health.
Would you like to hear the fantasy? - No.
- You got to.
It's for his health.
Thank you, Derek.
Let me set the scene.
It's your office, it's late at night, you're at your desk and you're doing admin.
I appear at the door in my little briefs.
I'm rock-hard and ready for action, and it's twitching away like a meerkat on guard.
You look up, you take in my member, and you look down again.
I wipe my feet, I move over to the desk, I lean in and attempt to take that tabard off.
You pull back, twist round, and continue with admin.
What? So, even even in your dream, I still would - Reject me, yeah.
- Reject you, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I then make my way behind the wardrobe, and, in the saddest way possible, I finish myself off.
I haven't got a wardrobe in my office.
It's a fantasy.
- DEREK: It's a fantasy.
- KEV: Yeah.
Oh, um Sheila? - Yes? - Sorry.
That was pretty grim.
Involved a respirator.
I sat on her.
(BIRDSONG) Um we're doing interviews today, for the caretaker's job, so, erm make a start, shall we? Yeah.
- Hello.
Would you like to come through? - MAN: Yeah, OK.
- (DOOR CREAKS) - All right? HANNAH: Hiya.
OK.
So, why do you want this job? Well, everyone's gotta have a job, ain't they? Yeah.
And, erm why why did you leave your last job? Well, I won't bullshit you, sweetheart.
I got the sack for thieving.
OK.
So, why do you want this job? I don't.
But they check that I've applied for shit, or they stop my benefits.
OK.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
(DOOR SHUTS) So (LONG, LOUD FART) Shall we go in? HANNAH: Do you want to come through? Good luck.
- Any advice? - Just be yourself.
Worst advice ever.
- Hello.
- Hi.
It's Kevin Twine.
So, where where are you working at the moment? I have to ask everyone the same questions.
Er I'm between jobs.
Between this job and a butcher's assistant.
OK.
When when was that? - Until? - 1990.
Didn't work out.
- OK.
- Don't like meat.
And, erm you got any references? What are you talking about? Er don't worry.
And, erm what are your strengths? I I don't drink.
I haven't had a drink for a couple of days.
I'm not a drinker.
And, erm why why do you want this job? Cos I like being here.
I like being around you Derek, all the old people.
It makes me feel nice and I want to give something back.
HANNAH: OK.
Thanks, Kev.
- Shall I go? - HANNAH: OK, then.
See you.
- How did it go? - Good.
Yeah, I'm con confident.
Last one.
Do you want to come through? - Good luck, mate.
- (HE SNIFFS) (DOOR SHUTS) (TV MUSIC STARTS) - Blankety blank - Blankety blank Challenge TV again.
Blankety Blank.
- Probably my favourite.
Innit? - Yeah.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, good.
Erm we've picked someone so got a new caretaker now.
That's good.
Just got to, um tell the other candidates that they weren't successful.
(APPLAUSE ON TV) (CHEERING ON TV) - (APPLAUSE FADES) - LES DAWSON: Good eveningl - Kev, can I have a quick word? - Didn't get it, did I? No, you didn't.
- But you did really well.
- Don't worry about it.
(LES DAWSON TALKING ON TV) - OK.
Sorry, Kev.
- OK.
- (LES DAWSON TALKING ON TV) - (TV AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (LES DAWSON TALKING ON TV) Derek? What? Top right.
Nonce.
(TV: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (SLURPS) LES ON TV: This is Esther Rantzen's influence, isn't it? Well, you've done all right there, Barry.
You've got one.
But we're coming over to you now, Gordon.
Our local fish-and-chip shop is run by an ex-hairdresser.
He's so forgetful, he doesn't put salt and vinegar on the chips.
He puts blank instead.
Ripped By mstoll