Detroiters (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

1 [LIGHT MUSIC.]
No, mm-mm, no.
He's not wearing that suit.
That suit's wearing him.
Thanks for coming in.
- Yep, great job.
- We'll let you know.
Jefferson, we can wait till they leave the room before we say anything.
I ain't go time for that.
Oh, no, absolutely not, no.
His butt's too big.
I need a butt, not a birdbath.
Do you at least want to see the poses? Hell no.
Please leave the room butt first.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, I am unimpressed.
Well, it's a process, Jefferson.
We'll get there.
Yeah, I mean, you liked Russell.
Why don't we just go with him? No, no, no, we need two, all right? Haven't you ever seen a suit commercial? He needs somebody to lean on, to laugh with.
- Am I wrong? - No, you're not wrong.
I mean, am I crazy? Have any of these other guys been any good? No, you're absolutely right.
I mean, I just don't get it, you know.
How hard is it to, like, walk into the room and be, like, boom, and give one of these, like, or like this? Whoa.
Sam, that was really good.
Why don't we just have Sam do the commercial? [LAUGHS.]
Me? Yeah, I mean, you'll already be there.
Those poses were fantastic.
Why don't you just do the commercial? Jefferson? Mm, good look, nice smile, strong hairline.
Turn.
No red flags on the butt.
- I'm in.
- Great.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do it.
All I have to do is, like, kind of, like, just do one of these.
No, do not do that.
That is not good.
No, I know, yeah.
Walk straight, man! Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And you're gonna take all this chalk off when you're done, right? Look, Emilio, I don't ask, and there's chalk on the suit during the commercial, I'm the one getting yelled at, not you, bud.
Oh, Tim, I don't know about this.
I mean, I like being behind the camera, you know, the man with the ideas.
Sam, you are going to be so great.
If you believed in yourself half as much as I do, you'd be on the moon right now.
What, from, like, modeling? What do you mean? I just believe in you.
Why don't you get out of my friggin' ass? Sheila and I are going to lunch.
No boys allowed.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, Sheila.
It's girls only.
And no, we're not that way.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, guys, we should do an all-boys' lunch.
Close the door, Tommy.
Just gonna get a quick close on that.
Shut the door, bud.
Then when I got home, someone stole my parking spot.
Did you put your chair down? - Yeah, they moved it.
- Assholes.
I hope you keep their car.
- I did one better.
- Mm.
I put sardines in the gas tank.
Does that do anything? What do you think? - No? - Oh, you're bad.
You're bad.
Hey, girl.
Forget something? Thank you.
Sheila, this is my girlfriend, Scarlet.
Hey, Sheila.
I've heard a lot about you.
It's very nice to meet you.
I'll let you guys enjoy your lunch after I steal this chip.
- Mwah! - Thanks, honey.
See ya.
She seems nice.
She's the best.
Back in the office when I said, "We're not that way," it was funny, because you are gay, and we both knew it, and neither of us is a bigot.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Whew, all right.
Well I guess I'm ready.
You are going to be great.
Just don't forget about us little people when you're big-time.
Oh, shut up, Tim.
All right, let's shoot this puppy.
Ready? And action.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Cut.
- Great.
Really good.
Mm.
- Moving on.
- Whew, felt good.
And action.
And cut.
And oh, you know what? Let's keep rolling and see what he does.
And there it is.
Cut.
- Wow.
- Very good, Sam.
Moving on.
That was great.
Whew.
The look of Jefferson Porger Menswear, fashions for the male, a professional, tailored look with classic style.
From collar tips to wing tips, Jefferson Porger has it, a casual, cool look for a night out.
Jefferson Porger has the sports coat to fit your style.
Jefferson Porger has the look you want.
The camera loved you, man.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
You know the part where I point to the document in the folder? Yeah.
I almost cracked up.
Yeah, I saw that, but that's just because I know you.
Jefferson Porger suits.
Get over here, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow, man, a celebrity right in my lobby.
- Ahh, thanks, Ned.
- No, man, I'm serious, man.
I'm very proud.
I'm sitting there with my girl watching TV, all of a sudden, you come out of nowhere.
I'm like, "Oh, shit, baby.
" I know him.
" She was like, "Bullshit.
" I'm like, "Bitch, get out.
" "Get your shit and get out of my house now.
You don't tell me who I know.
" But you killed it.
Thank thank you, Ned.
Are you okay, man? Me? [CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
I am fine.
[LAUGHS.]
I am fine.
Fine.
It's about you today.
This is your day.
This is Sam day.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
It's Sam day, man.
- All right, man.
- You take it easy.
- You too.
- Keep killin' it.
I thought you were gonna tell him it was my idea to put you in the commercial.
- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
- No, it's cool.
It's all good.
Yeah, Ned, I wrote that commercial.
What did you write, like, "guys wearing suits?" [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Oh, come on.
- Congratulations.
- There he is.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Come on.
All right, the star's got some real work to do.
Come on.
Sam, what's it like to be on TV? Oh, come on, Sheila, the same as everything else.
Amazing.
[LAUGHTER.]
Dude, come on.
You were in one commercial.
We got real work to do.
Ahh, well, back to the grunt work.
Yeah, the stuff that actually pays the bills around here.
Lea, do you know any Polish jokes? - No.
- 'Cause I'm Polish.
And it's okay if you said them, because, you know, I'm Polish, and I know you know it.
That's why it's funny.
I don't know any.
Here's one.
How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? - How many? - Five.
Because four of them are putting it in the wrong hole.
Nope, because it's all right.
There is no wrong hole.
You could put it in any hole you want.
It doesn't matter.
I'm not a bigot.
Okay, so boom, a club for teens.
I was thinking we could focus on the fact that, like, kids are cool; adults are lame.
So we'd open on, like, a teenager going up to the bar ordering a pop.
He holds it up, looks to camera, and goes, "I could get used to this place.
" Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You know what? Let me just feel it through.
Just gonna see, like, if it feels natural for the actor.
No.
Mm, no pop, definitely no pop.
You know, it's hard to, like, remember that when we're typing this stuff out and, like, writing it, like, an actor has to actually perform it and, like, make it feel natural.
- You know what I mean? You know? - Yeah.
Yeah, no, I forgot that.
You know, what if he's, like, walks through, you know, like, taps the girl on the shoulder, and he's like, "Huh, sure beats detention, huh?" [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, that's good.
It feels, like like, a little less written, which I think is what I like about it the most.
What kind of shoes do you think this boy is wearing? Fff.
Back here ooh, it's Adidas, definitely Adidas.
Put Adidas.
Can you put Adidas? Or A-di-das.
He could be British.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT.]
Hello, chap.
Beats detention, doesn't it? [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Sam, great job in that commercial, man.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks, Q.
Oh, it was Tim's idea to put me in it.
Ahh, yeah, there I was in my office all eyes on me.
We needed a decision yesterday Hey, Sam, is that one of the suits from the commercial? Yes, it is.
Jefferson Porger gave me this card.
I get free suits till Christmas.
Whoa, you get one of those? Yeah, no.
No perks for writers.
Ooh, Russell, look at you.
- How you doing, baby? - Good, man.
Ahh, how was rehearsal? Really powerful.
Lavinia, the director, is a genius.
- Russell's in a play.
- Oh, no shit? Sam, you should get into stage acting.
- Oh, I couldn't.
- You've got the presence.
- Ohh.
- You'd be great at it.
I I've actually been saying Sam should do stand-up for years.
- He's really funny.
- Well, stand-up isn't acting.
It's true.
Quintin, can we have some beers? Russell, you want a beer? Vodka.
Calories.
Oh, that's a good call.
Quintin, can we have two vodkas and one beer for my chubby little friend here? A little bit of vodka maybe to lose some of that Look at you! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hello, young lady.
Is this the audition for Tom Cruise's twin brother? No, it's for schlubby nerd number one.
Oh, no, I know.
I was joking.
Yeah, I know.
They all told the same joke, every one of them.
Hey, fellas.
I see they rounded up the usual suspects.
- Sit down.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Good morning, Sheila.
Good morning, Lea.
How is your partner, Scarlet? - She's great.
- Wonderful.
I hope she's not the jealous type, 'cause I put a little gift in your office for you.
It's something I bought ages ago and always meant to put up.
Thanks.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Hey, young lady.
Is this the audition for Tom Cruise's twin brother? Sit down.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Come on in, Steve.
Now, let's pretend that this couch is boom Detroit's premier teen dance club.
So you'll just come out and say your line whenever you're ready.
Hey, you kids can't party in here.
Thanks for coming in.
- Uh, maybe.
- Yeah, seems fine.
Andrea, maybe is not good enough.
You should know in your heart that this is the perfect person for this role.
Do you feel that way? - No.
- Yeah, okay, me neither.
I'm sorry.
I just wish these guys could do it.
It's not that hard.
All you have to do is just stand here and say, "Hey, you kids can't party in here.
" Okay, should we see another one? Yeah, if you want to waste your day, I'll watch more.
But I'm sorry.
I just wish that I could, like, somehow put myself in their body and show 'em how to do it.
It's easy.
It's just, "Hey!" You kids can't party in here!" Well well, maybe one of you should just do it.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Sam? - Yeah, sure.
- No, the guy has to be white.
That's the thing.
Uh, okay.
Uh, well, uh, maybe Tim should do it.
- Oh.
- Yes, Tim should do it.
I mean, ugh.
Yeah, you did Jefferson Porger.
It's a little uneven, 'cause this is, like, lines and, like, a character and stuff, but Okay, what do you think, Andrea? Whatever.
Guys, I was fine with all of them.
A nerd says we can't party.
Can we just pull the trigger here? Cool, yeah.
You want me to do it, I'll do it.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
So I'm going to be in a commercial.
It should be fun.
It was Sam's idea.
I play a schlubby nerd who doesn't want these teens to party.
Although I'm not totally sure he should be entirely a nerd.
Tim, just be careful.
What does that mean? It means I love you.
Good night.
What do you mean, be careful, though? Chrissy.
Chrissy.
- Chrissy.
- Shake me again and see what happens.
Sorry.
I know that you're tired, but why do I have to go to bed? Hey, buddy, I saw the new script on my desk.
Oh, yeah, I just did a quick rewrite last night.
Just tweaked a few things so they felt a little more natural for me.
Yeah, um, did you give yourself a bigger part and make yourself cool in this? No.
Where's it say that? "Mr.
Groove wears a fedora and pulls it off great.
" He didn't have a name before, so I just You named him Mr.
Groove.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[FUNKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
So, Lea, what do you think about Queen Latifah? Sheila, we don't have to keep talking about this.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want you to think I'm racist against gays just because I'm old.
I know you're not racist against gays.
You made a bad joke.
Let it go.
The more you overcompensate, the more I think that you actually are uncomfortable.
I understand.
You're right.
Sheila you left these at my place last night.
I love you.
Sheila, did you do this to make me think that you were gay? - She's my neighbor.
- Oh, my God.
That was before the overcompensating conversation.
Do you want to invite her to lunch? No, she drives me nuts.
[LAUGHS.]
Go home, Ann.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Okay, uh, so in this commercial, you guys are gonna be trying to come into this club to dance, and this guy here is gonna say, "Hey, why don't we dance together?" And you all will think it's a great idea, okay? - Is that good? Cool? - Yeah, sounds good to me.
- Yeah, great.
- Let's shoot one, huh? It's gonna be fun.
All right, and action.
Hey, kids, let's party together.
[TOGETHER.]
Yeah.
I for sure want to party with this guy.
Well, then, all right.
And cut.
Good job.
Awesome.
That was really, really good.
- Sam.
- Great job, guys.
- Sam.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
- What is that? - Oh, here come some notes.
Flying in notes; this is all part of his process.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah, okay, great job on that last one, guys.
I'll tell you what, we've got to do it one more time, because I had a little sound issue.
The boom was in the shot.
You could see it.
Dang it, Tommy.
Tommy, come on.
So let's do it one more time, and just so we have it, all right, Lea, we can do it again, but this time, maybe it would be fun if you said they can't come in and dance in the club, so, you know, so we have it like we had in the original script.
Right, but my only thing is, why wouldn't they want them to dance with him? Like, they kind of see him as, like, a friend and as, like, a guy they look up to.
He's also a peer.
Yeah, maybe I just think so that we had it at least both ways so we could - I'm not into the other way.
- Yeah, okay.
I've I've seen it.
I've seen that done before.
Uh - Do you know what I'm saying? - Yeah.
Ah let's just do it the same way again then.
- Thanks.
Thanks, Sam.
- Yeah.
Awesome.
Same again, guys.
And ugh and action.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC.]
Hey, kids, you want to party together? [TOGETHER.]
Yeah.
Yes.
I for sure want to party with this guy.
All right.
Give me some skin.
[LAUGHS.]
- And cut.
- Sam.
- Yeah, no, I know.
- Come on.
What's what's What's going on here? Is it just me? [BOTH MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
That was good for me, but one thing is, the kid who's supposed to say, "I for sure want to party with him," he's, like, kind of squinting his eyes.
It's, like, I don't really believe him.
Yeah, no shit, 'cause why would he say that? This is supposed to be a commercial for a club where teens can go and have a cool, safe space to hang out.
And now it's a commercial where a bunch of cool teens want to hang out with an adult, who legally wouldn't be allowed in the club in the first place.
Yeah, that's the whole point, though.
He doesn't go into the club.
They just want him to.
Why would they want to party with a weird old man? Who's a weird old man? Honey.
Me? How am I old or weird? - Well, a fedora don't work - Strongly disagree.
- That jacket - Everybody shut up.
Watch this.
Hey, kids, if this wasn't a commercial, this was real life, and I came up to you in a teen club, would you dance with me? - Tim, no.
- Shh, watch, shh.
Would you dance with me? Stacy, Stacy, would you dance with me? Betsy, dancing? Hugo, what do you say, bro-bro, you dancing? Miranda, if this wasn't a commercial, this was real life, and we're at a teen dance, Miranda, would you dance with me? Okay, enough.
Either he goes or you're both fired.
You know what? I think you're only left with one option, Andrea.
Come on down to Boom teen nightclub, the premier teen club in metro Detroit.
Can we party with you, Mr.
Groove? Pfft, I wish, because that is one cool club.
But it's just for teens.
[TOGETHER.]
Aww.
Hey, don't be so sad, teens.
You're gonna have a great time.
I wish Mr.
Groove was a teen.
Hmm, let me see what I can do.
[TOGETHER.]
Yeah! Come to Boom, metro Detroit's premier teen club.
Tell 'em Mr.
Groove sent ya.
That was the commercial that led to the shutdown of Boom teen nightclub earlier today, where a swarm of middle-age men were arrested for posing as teens attempting to gain entry.
When asked what they were doing, the men said, "Mr.
Groove sent us.
" Between you and me, it seems like that commercial was telling old me how to sneak into a teen club.
I think we should have a policy where we're not in the commercials anymore.
I think that would be best.
Yeah, it's just hard to remain objective during the process.
Yeah, no, I know.
Like, you know, I thought Mr.
Groove was a terrible idea.
But then I got in front of camera, and I became a friggin' pedo.
- Well, you weren't a pedo.
- Mr.
Groove's a pedo.
Yeah, thanks, bud, and actually, he wasn't even.
He actually became young Mr.
Groove.
He wasn't, like, old guy in a young guy's body.
He became a kid.
Yeah, I think you and I can both agree that was not clear.
- I concede that.
- Oh, come on.
I got to get me into Boom.
Oh, pretty please, make me a teen.
So we won't be in the commercials anymore.
Yeah, no, that's probably the new rule.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Son of a bitch stole my space again.
[CHUCKLING.]
One little fishy.
Two little fishies.
Three little fishies.
[CHUCKLING.]
Jackass.
[ENGINE GRINDING.]
[LOUD EXPLOSION.]
[LAUGHS.]
Asshole.
Sardines.
Who put sardines in my gas tank? [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Sheila, where are you going? Nowhere, Ann.
Sardines!