Dirt (2006) s02e02 Episode Script
Dirty Slutty Whores
Previously on dirt hi,lucy.
You ruined my life.
******* Hello,everyone.
Vacation's over.
- Spiller,you're - alive.
How's the injection goin no,I'm sick you're sick,I'm sick,we're all sick.
I'm gonna give you the shot now,okay I'm starting to feel norma holt mclaren.
Don konkey.
Did you tell her I tried to visit her? Yeah.
No.
- Your name is kenny? - Yes.
Is that a proem? Well,it was for the last guy.
What happened to the last guy? He got shot in the head.
Oh,and this is farber kan.
he's a staff reporter who'll be gunning for all of your jobs.
Uh,lucy,should I just be following u? That one's yours.
- Excuse me,that is my desk.
- I know.
Don,is that sharlee cat ? This is the thanks that I get? - Get your camera out.
- Okay.
Hurry.
Sharlee cates would be a great get now.
Get it,don.
Freakin' move! Move! =Robbo presents= Hey,holt! Hey,come on! Ain't it in bad taste to be out clubbing so soon after julia's death? - Bad taste? - Yeah.
You know what I think is bad taste is you guys following me around everywhere I go, asking me this and that about julia.
- Did you even know her? - No.
No,I didn't think so.
Didn't have the pleasure.
You know what's even more funny about that whole situation is,is now, what,you're just gonna make all this money off of her? What,to sell your magazines and your clip shows? She's dead,bro.
- Sell your magazines,your clip shows.
- Good for him.
Screw him.
The bitch stabbed lucy,now he's defending her? People,people,people,I didn't get my liver nicked to have holt mclaren on my cover saying that we're the bad guys.
Willa,are you with us? Oh,sorry.
Um,you've got to hear what somebody sent in.
It's anonymous,but it's really good.
Do you mind if I-- yes,anything's better than this.
Uncle jimmy? God,is that turd still on the air? That turd just syndicated for four mil an episode.
It's the last great family sitcom.
I love his standup.
Yeah,this is a slightly different performance from him.
Krista,it's your father calling again.
Thursday night.
You know what,you told me you were coming down here, so I set aside seats for you and your goddamn friends, and now I'm about to do a show, and you're not here once again, so I look like an ass with my dick in my hands because my frickin' daughter didn't show up,okay? Well,listen,you wanna know something? You're a stupid little narcissist,do ya hear me? I don't care if you're 14 or 15 or however the hell old you are.
You say you don't have my love, you say you don't have my respect.
Goddamn it,you don't deserve my respect,do you hear me? You don't deserve it because you're selfish,and you're hollow, and I don't give a shit about you and your slutty cheerleader friends! Press "p" to play the current message again.
And to think I used to hate people who left long messages.
Is it exclusive? Well,I'm thinking that the person who sent it in is probably spreading it around.
He's a major sitcom star.
We gotta find out who sent it and why, if it's edited,if it's real,what's going on.
Yeah,I was gonna start with his ex-wife.
You think? What's happening? Turn on the news.
Hold on,we do now have an official statement from the chp press op confirming that celebutante milan carlton was just stopped by the police trying to drive onto the 405 freeway using the off-ramp.
It could be a problem for milan if she's been drinking if? The girl drinks so much,she probably pees rubbing alcohol.
Look,you can't even see the sign.
Are you high? My parents paid for that on-ramp.
We can't leave my car.
That's my boob.
Where are the rodney king cops when you need 'em? ·Ò룺¸öÈËID У Ô£º¸öÈËID ʱ¼äÖ᣺¬ ±ó & Gino Á÷ÑÔ µÚ þ¼¾µÚ2¼¯ all right, let's make room for milan and her yapping purse-mutt.
The cupcake house? Whose is this? That's-- that's mine.
The guy builds a house out of cupcakes.
That's the story? He did it to win the heart of the woman he loved.
She's crazy about cupcakes.
It'Ssweet.
Well,sweet.
It's insane,but sweet.
All right,we'll use it next week.
But get a better shot of him eating her icing off the wall or something.
Well,they broke up.
Not in my magazine.
Get the shot.
All right,milan is our cover,but,of course, she's going to be everyone's cover, so what I wanna know is how she's gonna get out of going to jail.
Yeah,isn't she going to jail right now on live tv? Night court judge has rescinded her parole, mandating her to serve out the remainder of her sentence here at the county jail.
Milan carlton is a spoiled little billionaire who's gotten away with everything her whole life.
Why waste time? Let's just figure out how her daddy's gonna use his money to get his little girl off.
Did I just say that? Oddly aroused.
All right,find out.
That's how we afford the cappuccino runs.
They pay for cappuccino runs? I'm thinking that that was a figure of speech, but you can go ask her.
Oh,hey,lucy.
Heard about milan? Yeah,I'm on my way now.
You and the entire press corps,right? Everybody knows.
You putting cream on your wound? As we speak.
No,cabernet does not count.
Do you have a hidden camera in here? No,I just know your voice.
Plus I heard you sip.
Well,it's pinot,not cabernet,and,yes, I will put my cream on if you get a shot of milan in lock-up.
But hurry.
She'll be out before - Okay.
- Thanks.
Hey,are you all right? I'm fine.
You really don't like her,do you? Milan.
Are you kidding? I love her.
- Get the shot.
Bye.
- Bye.
Dude.
You got a smoke? Dude? You got a cigarette? You're real.
Look,if you don't smoke,just say so.
Christ! Man,this job sucks.
I knew you were real! Hey,man.
All right? I'm giving you the finger here! Weird.
Lucy? Are you okay? Yeah.
Every time the cleaning crew comes,they move this to plug in the vacuum, and they don't put it back.
How's america's favorite sitcom dad? Um,well,his voicemail attacking his daughter is now on the web.
Um,it is youtube's number one hit.
If you're gonna leave everything a mess,it's not really cleaning,is it? No.
What about the ex-wife? Well,the divorce is final,but they're still having major custody issues.
She and her lawyers have been court ordered to keep everything out of the media, so,basically,if she leaked the tape-- then she'd be guilty of using us.
Hate when people do that.
Get proof.
Yeah,that's not gonna be easy.
Did I say easy? No,easy would be moving the furniture back after you've vacuumed.
- You want that job? - No.
All right.
I'll find out who had access to the voicemail,the mother, the lawyer,and see if they shared it with anyone.
- Good start.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh,man.
Hurts.
Hurts.
Hurts.
Hurts.
L.
A.
women's jail Hey,don.
What's going on? I got a guy here.
Don't you always? Yeah,well,he's in booking.
He always gets me in no matter what.
But this time he says it's impossible.
But,don,nothing's impossible.
They got her in a private cell away from the rest of the prison population, so,you know,I can't sneak in as a guard.
They're having her meals prepared privately,so catering's out.
And she's in a new uniform,so you can forget about laundry.
Okay,she's in isolation.
Yeah,for her safety,for the safety of the rest of the prison population.
That's the quote.
Yeah,and bullshit.
Okay,I'm thinking.
Oh,I put cream on my wound last night and this morning.
Oh,yeah,that's good.
Okay,I got it.
Remember that skank from bel air,the one with the one-hit song who killed her husband with a lawnmower? You got that great shot when you were on the rooftop of her coming out of isolation to general population.
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah.
- Get in place.
- Okay.
Lucy,are they gonna move her? Someone get me the spokesperson for the jail on the line.
Oh,they're moving her.
They are definitely moving her.
Spokesman for the jail for you,line two.
Sam greer.
Thank you.
Sam greer.
Hi,it's lucy spiller over at drrt.
Yes,my people came to me with a story, and I wanted to give you the courtesy of a call before running it.
Yeah,it's about the special treatment that milan carlton's getting in your jail.
The personal chef,the fresh clothes,special cell.
I hear she has an acupuncturist coming this afternoon.
Okay,well,that may be true,but the rest checks out.
I don't hear you denying the special cell.
Okay,great.
Yeah,get back to me within the hour,and I will hold the story.
Thank you.
Any progress? Uh,yeah,milan's parents and grandparents have been major contributors to every major political campaign, local,national,republican,democrat.
Equal opportunity payola.
Locally they supported the judges,the da,the mayor.
- That'll get her out.
- Yeah.
Well,she's still in.
Yeah,but you have to keep up appearances.
She did plead guilty once.
Violated her parole.
It's hard to get out of that,even with political contacts.
I guarantee you,milan will be sleeping in her own pink,frilly bed tonight.
What,do you not trust my instincts? No,yeah,I do.
No,you don'T.
No,trust me,I trust you.
All right,how about this? I give you 100-1 odds that milan carlton is home by midnight.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me.
Milan carlton will not spend this night in jail.
Hey,don.
- 100-1? - Hold on one second.
You're saying that if I put up 100 bucks-- if she gets out by midnight,I take your 100.
If she spends one second past midnight,I owe you 10 grand.
- How about it? - Yeah.
Okay.
You need to learn a lesson.
Are you in place? Almost.
- Are you alone? - Yeah.
Good.
I made the call.
It should happen soon.
Okay.
Milan carlton is being moved out of an isolation cell in the tower, in with the jail's general population.
This is in no way reaction to public pressure.
It's part of normal prisoner intake and processing procedure.
Miss carlton is receiving no special treatment here.
She's an ordinary inmate.
That's the way she's gonna be treated.
Love you.
Ladies and gentlemen,drrt has just obtained exclusive photos of milan carlton being transferred to general jail population.
Farber,the bet's still on.
She's gonna be out by midnight.
And when she is,I wanna know why.
Jimmy Darby Eats Some Pasta Dad,why are you eating spaghetti on the floor? I'm petey the dog,and this is my doggie bowl.
It's another jimmy darby clip.
It hit an hour ago.
It's already in youtube's top 5.
Makes me feel a lot better about my father.
I'm not drunk! - I'm totally friggin' sober! - You're drunk,dad.
I'm sober! This is nothing.
At least he's not hitting anybody.
Your father hit you? How pissed is lucy gonna be that I'm behind on this? Well,it hit an hour ago.
We don't go to press for days.
How are you behind? I just got a call from darby's ex saying that she had absolutely nothing to do with leaking either tape, and then I got a call from her lawyer giving some not too subtle threats if we imply that she did.
Well,the ex-wife's a likely suspect.
She's the one with something to gain.
She can't sue for speculation.
You don't know lucy spiller very well,do you? - Really? - You'll learn.
Hey,where you going? Back to school.
st.
Luke's girls school Thanks so much.
It's always so hard to find your way around a new school the first week,you know? Sure.
I hate moving,but,um,my dad just got,like, indicted at his last job in florida,so here we are.
At least the press isn't camped outside our lawn anymore.
- Sucks.
- Totally.
This girl in gym told me that you were jimmy darby's kid,so you,like,know,right? She knows enough to spot the difference between a new junior and an old reporter.
What? - I'm sorry? - Don't say a word,christa.
She's a reporter.
I just transferred here.
From what,early retirement? - You're,like,30.
- I'm 24.
Whatever.
I told you they'd be all over.
Let's have her arrested.
All right,look,I'm really sorry that I lied, but everybody is doing this story, and nobody is getting christa's side.
And you're here to do her that favor.
No,I'm just here to get a story.
Look,all I'm saying is that you're caught in the middle.
I mean,your mother's the one that leaked the tape.
It's not your fault.
My mother didn't leak anything.
- No,christa,don'T.
- No,I'm sick of it.
I really am.
We fired the maid,the handy man,the dog walker.
And,you know,I really,really liked our dog walker.
You people are the ones out there buying this stuff,tempting people to steal and sell.
I didn't ask for this,okay? - I'm sorry.
- No,you're not.
It's a good story.
You think it's easy growing up with screwed up parents,being the big online joke at school? Please,just let me get to my class and leave me and my messed up family alone.
Got your quote? Look,I didn't mean to-- I didn't know about the phone message,but the video? Christa just thought she could scare her dad straight or whatever.
She borrowed my brother's camera,and totally deleted everything before she gave it back.
She never intended it to get out.
It was between her and her father.
Period.
Farber,you owe me 100 bucks.
She's getting out? Undisclosed medical condition.
More like jailophobia.
Pay up.
You're seriously gonna take my 100 bucks? Only if you don't hand it over willingly.
Oh,come on,like you wouldn't take my 10 grand? You know,I wasn't gonna take your ten grand.
You needed to learn a lesson.
Trust my instincts.
Best money you ever spent.
Come on.
Thank you.
Look at her,all prim and proper.
She went in looking like betty blowjob,and out like laura bush.
You think her mother styled her? No,she's just as retarded as she is.
No,that's the work of a pro.
Farber,find out who all went to see her in jail.
I find out who styled her,can I win back my hundred? No.
Nice knee socks.
Have anything? Yeah,I got a great quote from the daughter.
Maybe something from the friend.
- Okay,I want to know who released the tape- - and why.
Yeah,I might have a lead.
Have it by recess.
Do I look 30? Not in a catholic school girl uniform,you don'T.
- Wait,do you want to? - What? I thought we weren't talking Uh, we're not.
I'm just callingto congratulate you.
What, is this an interview? Milan carlton's pretty much taking over the whole issue.
Lucky you, I don't need a quote.
But, unfortunately,it also means that your pr play outside the club won't make it into print, which is really too bad because that was well played.
I didn't play anything.
Come on, that wasn't a pr move, I just said whatI felt, you know? Okay.
I wouldn't expect you to believe me, lucy.
Good.
but you know,one thing I've learned the more energy you put in to being angry with others, the less you have to face yourself,so are you going to therapy now? Maybe.
Well,let's just hope you can trust him.
Well,I gotta catch a flight.
Okay.
Have a great trip.
You,too.
I mean thank you.
Bye.
How long have you been standing there? I brought you the pictures of milan in jail.
Also her getting out.
It's been quite a day.
Yeah.
How's holt? On the phone just now.
How do you know I was talking to holt? Body language.
My body languages says I'm talking to holt right now.
Before,on the phone.
Now it just says you don't know where to put your elbows.
Well,they're attached to my forearms.
Let's not read too much into it.
Okay,but if you don't want people to know about you two Don't do that when you're talking to him.
Don't do what? What-- don,I wasn't doing anything.
Okay,I was not doing that.
Okay,now I don't know what to do with my forearms.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Is this all you have of her coming out of jail? Yeah.
Looks like mother theresa.
It's the outfit.
Light blue and white.
Like mother theresa.
All right,get 'em to art.
Okay.
Even the network news is recycling the milan story.
So much for covering the bombings in iraq.
- Hey,farber.
- Yeah? She going back to jail or not? Wanna lay odds? Uh,I don't know.
You're smart.
You're learning.
- Visitors? - Yeah,her mother and her lawyers.
No red flags,but I'm still working on it.
All right,find something good.
They may just have to have her back.
Hey,lucy,we got milan carlton on line three.
- Her publicist? - Her.
She said she wants to speak to you directly.
Yeah.
Thank you for taking my call.
Always happy to talk to one of our biggest sellers.
All that circulation,and I don't make anything out of it.
Something tells me you do okay.
Not this week.
There's a few things I'd like to clear up, and I was thinking about doing an interview with your magazine.
Of course.
I'd like to meet you in person.
Can we arrange that? I wish I could come to you,but I'm kind of under a bit of house arrest here.
I'll come to you.
Fabo.
I'll have my guy call your guy,okay? Ciao.
Fabo.
the carlton mansion lucy spiller.
Thank you so much for coming.
Can mariella get you something to drink? Fuzzy water? Oh,I'm good.
Bring her some fuzzy water.
Lemon or lime? Bring her both.
You remember my boyfriend ian.
hi Yeah,right,I know your work.
Sit.
I'm sorry that we have to meet in here.
Can't use my outdoor pool anymore because of the paps.
Oh,how awful.
I know.
I know.
Poor little rich girl.
But you know,everything I have,I've earned.
Yeah,well,somehow I doubt that catalogue shoots and a reality show paid for all this.
Well,I also have a recording deal.
Oh,right.
Why are we talking about this? That's not why you're here.
Why am I here? Everyone knows that drrt hates me.
The articles about my weight,my feud with meggie that you think I'm stupid,the dui.
We never said anything about your weight.
The point is,you hate me.
It's fine.
That's why I want you to have the interview.
Because everybody will believe it.
It won't feel like spin.
So I'm here to give you credibility.
Well,that,and score the hottest celebrity interview of the decade.
The big scoop.
Yeah? My medical condition.
I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby.
Congratulations.
But why does that mean you can't be in jail? Is the county going to release all pregnant women from jail? Because I have a condition.
It's called hyperem hyperemesis.
It's real.
They had to let her out.
For the welfare of our unborn child.
Who has already totally changed both our lives.
We don't have to bother with all the details here.
I've made your job very easy.
Here's the entire interview.
Questions,answers,and I had it typed up.
It's free,it's exclusive,and your job is completely done.
Obviously a huge story for you.
You're welcome.
Hyperemesis.
Isn't that basically morning sickness? Hey,women die from it every year.
The baby was at risk.
We had to protect the welfare-- welfare of our unborn child.
We have a doctor's note.
Oh,a celebrity with a doctor's note.
Yeah.
I'm offering you a major interview here.
You're offering me a hand job.
This isn't an interview,it's a press release.
Do you want to do an interview? Let's talk.
'Cause I'm not gonna publish some pr person's q&A.
You know,when I was in high school, I used to drive by the big gates of your parents' house.
It was so huge.
I used to think whoever lives inside, they must have anything they want.
They can be anything they want.
What did you choose to be? A celebutante? I worked my ass off to become a star.
You're not a singer,you're not an actress, you've never worked a day in your life.
You're a little spoiled brat who goes clubbing.
That's all you've ever achieved.
Oh,that and going up an off-ramp after having one too many chocolatinis.
You think I'm just some party girl.
I am a brand.
I created a brand.
You think I'm nothing? Okay.
Think about how hard it is to turn nothing into a major brand,a clothing line,fragrances,makeup.
You can call me a slut or a whore or anything else, but never say I don't work hard for what I have.
Now there's a quote.
I'll just say that you admitted you hate me and that you're biased.
You don't want my q&a? Fine.
I'll go to icon.
Do as you want.
I already have my story.
You bought a used video camera for $2,000? Well,it's digital.
No,this isn't just any video camera.
This is christa darby's best friend's brother's video camera.
The one she shot her father's drunk tape on.
The kid was 12.
You should've seen his face when I gave him the cash.
Well,I thought you said she deleted everything before she gave it back.
Oh,dear,sweet geek boy.
You have so much to learn.
Video camera hard drives are just like computer hard drives.
You can erase them,but the data is still locked in the code.
And you know how to get that? Well,no,but varsha in it did.
It seems that little christa did some editing.
Check out the original footage.
Wait,do petey.
Pretend to be petey.
I'm petey the dog,and this is my dog bowl.
Do the drunk guy,dad.
Do the drunk guy.
Okay,drunk.
I'm not drunk! I'm totally friggin' sober! He wasn't drunk.
I'm sober! I'm sober! Well,not as much as he seemed,anyway.
See,the key to playing a drunk is you gotta try really,really hard to act sober.
It was the daughter? Why? Well,do you remember that quote she gave me when I was interviewing her at school? Um,"do you think it's easy growing up with parents this screwed up?" She seemed so upset,but the quote was perfect.
She knew that I would bite at it.
Check this out,this is the reality show that christa darby pitched six months ago.
,but nobody was interested.
One exec said that she didn't have a hook.
So now that she's famous,she's trying to resell the show? Oh,no,even better.
This time it's parent 911.
It's genius.
She's gonna help kids with problem parents.
Yup,live on the air.
Secret deal is already in the works.
They're gonna announce it any day now.
Making a brand out of nothing.
Hey,uh,lucy,sorry.
Milan's interview is on.
I clearly was not okay to drive that night.
I just thank god that I didn't hurt anyone.
Some people might find it hard to believe that god has become an important part of your life.
I did a lot of stupid things when I was young.
What,like last week? Ian has taught me about the bible.
That whatever other people think,god can forgive.
(My god,she's got him dressed like a banker.
) God has blessed us with a child.
It's time to grow up.
Great.
We can go with how she tried to sell the same crap to you.
Those are words.
We're in a world of images, and right now the image is of milan and her mother theresa colors praising god to tami G.
I want to meet with jimmy darby tonight.
My house.
okay.
See,the key to playing a drunk is you gotta try really,really hard to act sober.
That's okay.
All right.
Why didn't you just come out with the truth? She's not wrong.
I was drinking that night.
Your daughter dubbed lines to make it look like you thought you were a dog.
That doesn't bother you? Did you hear that horrible voicemail I left her? Don't you think I deserve some bad press? And she needed some good press.
To sell her show.
Wait a minute.
You're talking about my kid.
Yeah,who stepped on your head to get what she wants.
Listen,I haven't been a great father.
You don't have kids,do you? No.
Do you want 'em? Okay,we're not here to talk about me,are we? I guess not.
Listen,I'm not evil.
But I wasn't there enough for her.
And I do drink sometimes.
And I get real pissed off.
And I break shit.
So if my kid wants to make a show that helps other kids deal with their crazy families, then I think it's a good thing.
Even if it's based on a lie? It won't be a lie because I'm gonna tell everybody it was my idea to do that,okay? That I told her to do it,that I made her do it.
It'll never sell.
It's my daughter.
She's 15,and she might have something here.
You know? It's her shot.
Don't you think that maybe you and i could work out something else? Why don't you just keep hammering me? I mean,I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible father.
Just keep roasting me.
I just need for you to promise that you'll leave her alone.
If you give me a bigger story,I will bury this one.
Okay.
Milan carlton.
She was a guest star on your show,right? The holiday special? Right? Okay,I want you to call her up.
I want you to tell her that you're having a really hard time with all this bad press you're getting, and it's just gonna get worse, and you need the name of her crisis pr person.
Not her regular guy,her specialist.
Okay.
I'll call her,and I'll get his name.
But I gotta tell you,there's no way in hell her crisis pr manager is gonna go on record with you.
That's okay,I just need his name.
Done.
dillon frawley+assoc P.
R.
Manger We know milan is using a crisis pr guru named dillon frawley.
Obviously,he's not gonna talk.
We need to find a way to get inside.
What you looking at? Yeah,you should look away.
You little rat,ya.
Bye.
you know what? Let's talk about wardrobe and makeup later,'cause-- I know how to dress little miss priss.
Let's just go over the interview,okay? Fine.
I'm tami G.
Milan,you've already been convicted of one driving under the influence.
Now you've been arrested a second time.
Why should you not go to jail? We're not gonna let her ask that.
You want her to ask that.
You want to answer the tough questions,or at least seem to,okay? So,why should you not go to jail? Well,first of all,I only had one glass of wine.
- And that on-ramp was barely marked.
I mean-- - no.
no.
no.
This is your answer.
Watch.
I clearly was not okay to drive that night.
I thank god nobody got hurt.
Yeah? I'm gonna thank god? Screw god.
No,honey,you can screw god off camera.
But on camera,trust me.
God is gonna set you free.
Listen to me.
You hired me so that I can tell you how to get the public back on your side.
It's a christian nation.
You want forgiveness? Admit your sins,turn it over to god.
I clearly was not okay to drive that night.
I just thank god I didn't hurt anyone.
Nice.
Very nice.
Now watch.
Screw god.
That's our cover.
lucy,the camera's hard drive,where did we get it? Sorry? Just if anybody sues or whatever,you know, I'd rather not go to jail.
Don,I always look out for you.
I know.
I got it from some disgruntled worker.
Could be secretarial,could be cleaning crew.
I'll cover you.
Besides,we're printing the truth.
They won't sue us because it'll just make them look worse.
Okay.
You're doing good,don.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
I think I figured out why you hate milan so much.
She's you.
I just gave you a really nice compliment.
She's all of us.
See,we're a nation of spoiled rich people.
Milan's just so extreme that it makes us feel better by comparison.
But really,she's just the part of ourselves we loathe.
That's why we need her.
Make us feel better,that's her job.
Well,she can't say the job doesn't pay well.
I don't think it makes her happy.
Well,if you think she's unhappy now,wait till she sees my next cover.
Yeah.
Lucy holt was on the pr guy's camera,too.
That little speech outside the club? No,no,no.
Is it a story? I didn't look.
I saw that he was on there,I didn't watch.
I figured it was up to you.
Okay.
Thanks.
- All right? - Thanks.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
You want to humanize,you know? You wanna focus on the people.
Julia was a real person with a family and a brother-- she didn't have a brother.
Sister.
Right.
You know what? Let's try it.
Watch.
To you julia mallory is a tabloid story.
But she was also a real person, with a mother and a father and a sister.
All right,julia wasn't just a tabloid story.
Nice,but open your arms.
You wanna be accessible.
- What-- no,no,just-- - you know what,forget it.
This isn't working.
No,no,you know what? I know it's hard.
It's awkward,but you gotta trust-- no,listen,you don't get it 'cause I don't give a shit.
- All right? - Come on.
Look,dude,I don't want to be molded.
You know,I'm just gonna let the chips fall.
Sorry for your time.
I'll pay you.
I wish you could've been there,buddy.
Man,there were so many rats,you could've dined out for weeks.
I miss having our little chats,man.
I do.
Please,please,please,I have something very important to say,shh.
I will be going to the far east to do some charity work, which is the one thing that will keep me sane.
With everything so negative here, I can do something positive there.
Where people aren't out to hurt you.
Maybe they'll appreciate me.
Thank you.
Milan? Milan? Hi,I'm christa darby.
Tune in to parent 911 starting next month.
I'll even have my own dad with me for my first show.
And,wow,we've had some issues,haven't we? We have? I don't recall.
You know the irony? It was all true.
I mean,everything he said on that first voicemail message.
His daughter is selfish and hollow.
Well,at least she came by it honestly.
Um,do you want dinner? I was gonna get some chinese.
In la? Well,I know this place on pico.
Really? I can'T.
It's past ten,and liz will kill me if I go out to dinner with somebody else instead of coming straight home.
I wasn't asking you out,farber.
I'm working late,ordering in.
Uh,I know.
Sorry.
Wellyour girlfriend is one lucky woman.
Thanks.
I wish she would say that.
I was being facetious.
Hello? Oh,hey,lucy.
Were you sleeping? It's three in the morning.
You seem to be sleeping a lot better since you got stabbed.
It almost makes it worth it,huh? It's good to sleep.
And yet,you're calling at 3 am.
Well,milan carlton's on tv.
I thought you oughta know.
Thanks,honey.
Was stopped by authorities when she took time out from her christian relief work to go topless on a beach in a nation where public nudity is illegal.
When police went through her handbag, they found a gram of cocaine in the socialite's makeup compact.
The country has a zero-tolerance policy for drugs, and the penalty for possession of cocaine is death.
Lucy,are they really gonna execute her? I already mocked up a "milan gets the needle" cover.
Well,actually,it would be a hanging.
Or a firing squad.
My cousin's in the state department.
He said I can be at the embassy when she's executed.
She's not gonna be executed.
She'll get off,like always.
Really? Well,maybe not like always.
It is a small nation in the far east,but she's milan.
They'll work something out.
Do you wanna bet? Good boy.
The government has decided to be merciful on miss carlton, and release her from prison After receiving three public lashes.
No! No! No! No! I'm sorry! Daddy! dirt exclusing milan's charity voyage' stings!! thanks to Ragbear
You ruined my life.
******* Hello,everyone.
Vacation's over.
- Spiller,you're - alive.
How's the injection goin no,I'm sick you're sick,I'm sick,we're all sick.
I'm gonna give you the shot now,okay I'm starting to feel norma holt mclaren.
Don konkey.
Did you tell her I tried to visit her? Yeah.
No.
- Your name is kenny? - Yes.
Is that a proem? Well,it was for the last guy.
What happened to the last guy? He got shot in the head.
Oh,and this is farber kan.
he's a staff reporter who'll be gunning for all of your jobs.
Uh,lucy,should I just be following u? That one's yours.
- Excuse me,that is my desk.
- I know.
Don,is that sharlee cat ? This is the thanks that I get? - Get your camera out.
- Okay.
Hurry.
Sharlee cates would be a great get now.
Get it,don.
Freakin' move! Move! =Robbo presents= Hey,holt! Hey,come on! Ain't it in bad taste to be out clubbing so soon after julia's death? - Bad taste? - Yeah.
You know what I think is bad taste is you guys following me around everywhere I go, asking me this and that about julia.
- Did you even know her? - No.
No,I didn't think so.
Didn't have the pleasure.
You know what's even more funny about that whole situation is,is now, what,you're just gonna make all this money off of her? What,to sell your magazines and your clip shows? She's dead,bro.
- Sell your magazines,your clip shows.
- Good for him.
Screw him.
The bitch stabbed lucy,now he's defending her? People,people,people,I didn't get my liver nicked to have holt mclaren on my cover saying that we're the bad guys.
Willa,are you with us? Oh,sorry.
Um,you've got to hear what somebody sent in.
It's anonymous,but it's really good.
Do you mind if I-- yes,anything's better than this.
Uncle jimmy? God,is that turd still on the air? That turd just syndicated for four mil an episode.
It's the last great family sitcom.
I love his standup.
Yeah,this is a slightly different performance from him.
Krista,it's your father calling again.
Thursday night.
You know what,you told me you were coming down here, so I set aside seats for you and your goddamn friends, and now I'm about to do a show, and you're not here once again, so I look like an ass with my dick in my hands because my frickin' daughter didn't show up,okay? Well,listen,you wanna know something? You're a stupid little narcissist,do ya hear me? I don't care if you're 14 or 15 or however the hell old you are.
You say you don't have my love, you say you don't have my respect.
Goddamn it,you don't deserve my respect,do you hear me? You don't deserve it because you're selfish,and you're hollow, and I don't give a shit about you and your slutty cheerleader friends! Press "p" to play the current message again.
And to think I used to hate people who left long messages.
Is it exclusive? Well,I'm thinking that the person who sent it in is probably spreading it around.
He's a major sitcom star.
We gotta find out who sent it and why, if it's edited,if it's real,what's going on.
Yeah,I was gonna start with his ex-wife.
You think? What's happening? Turn on the news.
Hold on,we do now have an official statement from the chp press op confirming that celebutante milan carlton was just stopped by the police trying to drive onto the 405 freeway using the off-ramp.
It could be a problem for milan if she's been drinking if? The girl drinks so much,she probably pees rubbing alcohol.
Look,you can't even see the sign.
Are you high? My parents paid for that on-ramp.
We can't leave my car.
That's my boob.
Where are the rodney king cops when you need 'em? ·Ò룺¸öÈËID У Ô£º¸öÈËID ʱ¼äÖ᣺¬ ±ó & Gino Á÷ÑÔ µÚ þ¼¾µÚ2¼¯ all right, let's make room for milan and her yapping purse-mutt.
The cupcake house? Whose is this? That's-- that's mine.
The guy builds a house out of cupcakes.
That's the story? He did it to win the heart of the woman he loved.
She's crazy about cupcakes.
It'Ssweet.
Well,sweet.
It's insane,but sweet.
All right,we'll use it next week.
But get a better shot of him eating her icing off the wall or something.
Well,they broke up.
Not in my magazine.
Get the shot.
All right,milan is our cover,but,of course, she's going to be everyone's cover, so what I wanna know is how she's gonna get out of going to jail.
Yeah,isn't she going to jail right now on live tv? Night court judge has rescinded her parole, mandating her to serve out the remainder of her sentence here at the county jail.
Milan carlton is a spoiled little billionaire who's gotten away with everything her whole life.
Why waste time? Let's just figure out how her daddy's gonna use his money to get his little girl off.
Did I just say that? Oddly aroused.
All right,find out.
That's how we afford the cappuccino runs.
They pay for cappuccino runs? I'm thinking that that was a figure of speech, but you can go ask her.
Oh,hey,lucy.
Heard about milan? Yeah,I'm on my way now.
You and the entire press corps,right? Everybody knows.
You putting cream on your wound? As we speak.
No,cabernet does not count.
Do you have a hidden camera in here? No,I just know your voice.
Plus I heard you sip.
Well,it's pinot,not cabernet,and,yes, I will put my cream on if you get a shot of milan in lock-up.
But hurry.
She'll be out before - Okay.
- Thanks.
Hey,are you all right? I'm fine.
You really don't like her,do you? Milan.
Are you kidding? I love her.
- Get the shot.
Bye.
- Bye.
Dude.
You got a smoke? Dude? You got a cigarette? You're real.
Look,if you don't smoke,just say so.
Christ! Man,this job sucks.
I knew you were real! Hey,man.
All right? I'm giving you the finger here! Weird.
Lucy? Are you okay? Yeah.
Every time the cleaning crew comes,they move this to plug in the vacuum, and they don't put it back.
How's america's favorite sitcom dad? Um,well,his voicemail attacking his daughter is now on the web.
Um,it is youtube's number one hit.
If you're gonna leave everything a mess,it's not really cleaning,is it? No.
What about the ex-wife? Well,the divorce is final,but they're still having major custody issues.
She and her lawyers have been court ordered to keep everything out of the media, so,basically,if she leaked the tape-- then she'd be guilty of using us.
Hate when people do that.
Get proof.
Yeah,that's not gonna be easy.
Did I say easy? No,easy would be moving the furniture back after you've vacuumed.
- You want that job? - No.
All right.
I'll find out who had access to the voicemail,the mother, the lawyer,and see if they shared it with anyone.
- Good start.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh,man.
Hurts.
Hurts.
Hurts.
Hurts.
L.
A.
women's jail Hey,don.
What's going on? I got a guy here.
Don't you always? Yeah,well,he's in booking.
He always gets me in no matter what.
But this time he says it's impossible.
But,don,nothing's impossible.
They got her in a private cell away from the rest of the prison population, so,you know,I can't sneak in as a guard.
They're having her meals prepared privately,so catering's out.
And she's in a new uniform,so you can forget about laundry.
Okay,she's in isolation.
Yeah,for her safety,for the safety of the rest of the prison population.
That's the quote.
Yeah,and bullshit.
Okay,I'm thinking.
Oh,I put cream on my wound last night and this morning.
Oh,yeah,that's good.
Okay,I got it.
Remember that skank from bel air,the one with the one-hit song who killed her husband with a lawnmower? You got that great shot when you were on the rooftop of her coming out of isolation to general population.
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah.
- Get in place.
- Okay.
Lucy,are they gonna move her? Someone get me the spokesperson for the jail on the line.
Oh,they're moving her.
They are definitely moving her.
Spokesman for the jail for you,line two.
Sam greer.
Thank you.
Sam greer.
Hi,it's lucy spiller over at drrt.
Yes,my people came to me with a story, and I wanted to give you the courtesy of a call before running it.
Yeah,it's about the special treatment that milan carlton's getting in your jail.
The personal chef,the fresh clothes,special cell.
I hear she has an acupuncturist coming this afternoon.
Okay,well,that may be true,but the rest checks out.
I don't hear you denying the special cell.
Okay,great.
Yeah,get back to me within the hour,and I will hold the story.
Thank you.
Any progress? Uh,yeah,milan's parents and grandparents have been major contributors to every major political campaign, local,national,republican,democrat.
Equal opportunity payola.
Locally they supported the judges,the da,the mayor.
- That'll get her out.
- Yeah.
Well,she's still in.
Yeah,but you have to keep up appearances.
She did plead guilty once.
Violated her parole.
It's hard to get out of that,even with political contacts.
I guarantee you,milan will be sleeping in her own pink,frilly bed tonight.
What,do you not trust my instincts? No,yeah,I do.
No,you don'T.
No,trust me,I trust you.
All right,how about this? I give you 100-1 odds that milan carlton is home by midnight.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me.
Milan carlton will not spend this night in jail.
Hey,don.
- 100-1? - Hold on one second.
You're saying that if I put up 100 bucks-- if she gets out by midnight,I take your 100.
If she spends one second past midnight,I owe you 10 grand.
- How about it? - Yeah.
Okay.
You need to learn a lesson.
Are you in place? Almost.
- Are you alone? - Yeah.
Good.
I made the call.
It should happen soon.
Okay.
Milan carlton is being moved out of an isolation cell in the tower, in with the jail's general population.
This is in no way reaction to public pressure.
It's part of normal prisoner intake and processing procedure.
Miss carlton is receiving no special treatment here.
She's an ordinary inmate.
That's the way she's gonna be treated.
Love you.
Ladies and gentlemen,drrt has just obtained exclusive photos of milan carlton being transferred to general jail population.
Farber,the bet's still on.
She's gonna be out by midnight.
And when she is,I wanna know why.
Jimmy Darby Eats Some Pasta Dad,why are you eating spaghetti on the floor? I'm petey the dog,and this is my doggie bowl.
It's another jimmy darby clip.
It hit an hour ago.
It's already in youtube's top 5.
Makes me feel a lot better about my father.
I'm not drunk! - I'm totally friggin' sober! - You're drunk,dad.
I'm sober! This is nothing.
At least he's not hitting anybody.
Your father hit you? How pissed is lucy gonna be that I'm behind on this? Well,it hit an hour ago.
We don't go to press for days.
How are you behind? I just got a call from darby's ex saying that she had absolutely nothing to do with leaking either tape, and then I got a call from her lawyer giving some not too subtle threats if we imply that she did.
Well,the ex-wife's a likely suspect.
She's the one with something to gain.
She can't sue for speculation.
You don't know lucy spiller very well,do you? - Really? - You'll learn.
Hey,where you going? Back to school.
st.
Luke's girls school Thanks so much.
It's always so hard to find your way around a new school the first week,you know? Sure.
I hate moving,but,um,my dad just got,like, indicted at his last job in florida,so here we are.
At least the press isn't camped outside our lawn anymore.
- Sucks.
- Totally.
This girl in gym told me that you were jimmy darby's kid,so you,like,know,right? She knows enough to spot the difference between a new junior and an old reporter.
What? - I'm sorry? - Don't say a word,christa.
She's a reporter.
I just transferred here.
From what,early retirement? - You're,like,30.
- I'm 24.
Whatever.
I told you they'd be all over.
Let's have her arrested.
All right,look,I'm really sorry that I lied, but everybody is doing this story, and nobody is getting christa's side.
And you're here to do her that favor.
No,I'm just here to get a story.
Look,all I'm saying is that you're caught in the middle.
I mean,your mother's the one that leaked the tape.
It's not your fault.
My mother didn't leak anything.
- No,christa,don'T.
- No,I'm sick of it.
I really am.
We fired the maid,the handy man,the dog walker.
And,you know,I really,really liked our dog walker.
You people are the ones out there buying this stuff,tempting people to steal and sell.
I didn't ask for this,okay? - I'm sorry.
- No,you're not.
It's a good story.
You think it's easy growing up with screwed up parents,being the big online joke at school? Please,just let me get to my class and leave me and my messed up family alone.
Got your quote? Look,I didn't mean to-- I didn't know about the phone message,but the video? Christa just thought she could scare her dad straight or whatever.
She borrowed my brother's camera,and totally deleted everything before she gave it back.
She never intended it to get out.
It was between her and her father.
Period.
Farber,you owe me 100 bucks.
She's getting out? Undisclosed medical condition.
More like jailophobia.
Pay up.
You're seriously gonna take my 100 bucks? Only if you don't hand it over willingly.
Oh,come on,like you wouldn't take my 10 grand? You know,I wasn't gonna take your ten grand.
You needed to learn a lesson.
Trust my instincts.
Best money you ever spent.
Come on.
Thank you.
Look at her,all prim and proper.
She went in looking like betty blowjob,and out like laura bush.
You think her mother styled her? No,she's just as retarded as she is.
No,that's the work of a pro.
Farber,find out who all went to see her in jail.
I find out who styled her,can I win back my hundred? No.
Nice knee socks.
Have anything? Yeah,I got a great quote from the daughter.
Maybe something from the friend.
- Okay,I want to know who released the tape- - and why.
Yeah,I might have a lead.
Have it by recess.
Do I look 30? Not in a catholic school girl uniform,you don'T.
- Wait,do you want to? - What? I thought we weren't talking Uh, we're not.
I'm just callingto congratulate you.
What, is this an interview? Milan carlton's pretty much taking over the whole issue.
Lucky you, I don't need a quote.
But, unfortunately,it also means that your pr play outside the club won't make it into print, which is really too bad because that was well played.
I didn't play anything.
Come on, that wasn't a pr move, I just said whatI felt, you know? Okay.
I wouldn't expect you to believe me, lucy.
Good.
but you know,one thing I've learned the more energy you put in to being angry with others, the less you have to face yourself,so are you going to therapy now? Maybe.
Well,let's just hope you can trust him.
Well,I gotta catch a flight.
Okay.
Have a great trip.
You,too.
I mean thank you.
Bye.
How long have you been standing there? I brought you the pictures of milan in jail.
Also her getting out.
It's been quite a day.
Yeah.
How's holt? On the phone just now.
How do you know I was talking to holt? Body language.
My body languages says I'm talking to holt right now.
Before,on the phone.
Now it just says you don't know where to put your elbows.
Well,they're attached to my forearms.
Let's not read too much into it.
Okay,but if you don't want people to know about you two Don't do that when you're talking to him.
Don't do what? What-- don,I wasn't doing anything.
Okay,I was not doing that.
Okay,now I don't know what to do with my forearms.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Is this all you have of her coming out of jail? Yeah.
Looks like mother theresa.
It's the outfit.
Light blue and white.
Like mother theresa.
All right,get 'em to art.
Okay.
Even the network news is recycling the milan story.
So much for covering the bombings in iraq.
- Hey,farber.
- Yeah? She going back to jail or not? Wanna lay odds? Uh,I don't know.
You're smart.
You're learning.
- Visitors? - Yeah,her mother and her lawyers.
No red flags,but I'm still working on it.
All right,find something good.
They may just have to have her back.
Hey,lucy,we got milan carlton on line three.
- Her publicist? - Her.
She said she wants to speak to you directly.
Yeah.
Thank you for taking my call.
Always happy to talk to one of our biggest sellers.
All that circulation,and I don't make anything out of it.
Something tells me you do okay.
Not this week.
There's a few things I'd like to clear up, and I was thinking about doing an interview with your magazine.
Of course.
I'd like to meet you in person.
Can we arrange that? I wish I could come to you,but I'm kind of under a bit of house arrest here.
I'll come to you.
Fabo.
I'll have my guy call your guy,okay? Ciao.
Fabo.
the carlton mansion lucy spiller.
Thank you so much for coming.
Can mariella get you something to drink? Fuzzy water? Oh,I'm good.
Bring her some fuzzy water.
Lemon or lime? Bring her both.
You remember my boyfriend ian.
hi Yeah,right,I know your work.
Sit.
I'm sorry that we have to meet in here.
Can't use my outdoor pool anymore because of the paps.
Oh,how awful.
I know.
I know.
Poor little rich girl.
But you know,everything I have,I've earned.
Yeah,well,somehow I doubt that catalogue shoots and a reality show paid for all this.
Well,I also have a recording deal.
Oh,right.
Why are we talking about this? That's not why you're here.
Why am I here? Everyone knows that drrt hates me.
The articles about my weight,my feud with meggie that you think I'm stupid,the dui.
We never said anything about your weight.
The point is,you hate me.
It's fine.
That's why I want you to have the interview.
Because everybody will believe it.
It won't feel like spin.
So I'm here to give you credibility.
Well,that,and score the hottest celebrity interview of the decade.
The big scoop.
Yeah? My medical condition.
I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby.
Congratulations.
But why does that mean you can't be in jail? Is the county going to release all pregnant women from jail? Because I have a condition.
It's called hyperem hyperemesis.
It's real.
They had to let her out.
For the welfare of our unborn child.
Who has already totally changed both our lives.
We don't have to bother with all the details here.
I've made your job very easy.
Here's the entire interview.
Questions,answers,and I had it typed up.
It's free,it's exclusive,and your job is completely done.
Obviously a huge story for you.
You're welcome.
Hyperemesis.
Isn't that basically morning sickness? Hey,women die from it every year.
The baby was at risk.
We had to protect the welfare-- welfare of our unborn child.
We have a doctor's note.
Oh,a celebrity with a doctor's note.
Yeah.
I'm offering you a major interview here.
You're offering me a hand job.
This isn't an interview,it's a press release.
Do you want to do an interview? Let's talk.
'Cause I'm not gonna publish some pr person's q&A.
You know,when I was in high school, I used to drive by the big gates of your parents' house.
It was so huge.
I used to think whoever lives inside, they must have anything they want.
They can be anything they want.
What did you choose to be? A celebutante? I worked my ass off to become a star.
You're not a singer,you're not an actress, you've never worked a day in your life.
You're a little spoiled brat who goes clubbing.
That's all you've ever achieved.
Oh,that and going up an off-ramp after having one too many chocolatinis.
You think I'm just some party girl.
I am a brand.
I created a brand.
You think I'm nothing? Okay.
Think about how hard it is to turn nothing into a major brand,a clothing line,fragrances,makeup.
You can call me a slut or a whore or anything else, but never say I don't work hard for what I have.
Now there's a quote.
I'll just say that you admitted you hate me and that you're biased.
You don't want my q&a? Fine.
I'll go to icon.
Do as you want.
I already have my story.
You bought a used video camera for $2,000? Well,it's digital.
No,this isn't just any video camera.
This is christa darby's best friend's brother's video camera.
The one she shot her father's drunk tape on.
The kid was 12.
You should've seen his face when I gave him the cash.
Well,I thought you said she deleted everything before she gave it back.
Oh,dear,sweet geek boy.
You have so much to learn.
Video camera hard drives are just like computer hard drives.
You can erase them,but the data is still locked in the code.
And you know how to get that? Well,no,but varsha in it did.
It seems that little christa did some editing.
Check out the original footage.
Wait,do petey.
Pretend to be petey.
I'm petey the dog,and this is my dog bowl.
Do the drunk guy,dad.
Do the drunk guy.
Okay,drunk.
I'm not drunk! I'm totally friggin' sober! He wasn't drunk.
I'm sober! I'm sober! Well,not as much as he seemed,anyway.
See,the key to playing a drunk is you gotta try really,really hard to act sober.
It was the daughter? Why? Well,do you remember that quote she gave me when I was interviewing her at school? Um,"do you think it's easy growing up with parents this screwed up?" She seemed so upset,but the quote was perfect.
She knew that I would bite at it.
Check this out,this is the reality show that christa darby pitched six months ago.
,but nobody was interested.
One exec said that she didn't have a hook.
So now that she's famous,she's trying to resell the show? Oh,no,even better.
This time it's parent 911.
It's genius.
She's gonna help kids with problem parents.
Yup,live on the air.
Secret deal is already in the works.
They're gonna announce it any day now.
Making a brand out of nothing.
Hey,uh,lucy,sorry.
Milan's interview is on.
I clearly was not okay to drive that night.
I just thank god that I didn't hurt anyone.
Some people might find it hard to believe that god has become an important part of your life.
I did a lot of stupid things when I was young.
What,like last week? Ian has taught me about the bible.
That whatever other people think,god can forgive.
(My god,she's got him dressed like a banker.
) God has blessed us with a child.
It's time to grow up.
Great.
We can go with how she tried to sell the same crap to you.
Those are words.
We're in a world of images, and right now the image is of milan and her mother theresa colors praising god to tami G.
I want to meet with jimmy darby tonight.
My house.
okay.
See,the key to playing a drunk is you gotta try really,really hard to act sober.
That's okay.
All right.
Why didn't you just come out with the truth? She's not wrong.
I was drinking that night.
Your daughter dubbed lines to make it look like you thought you were a dog.
That doesn't bother you? Did you hear that horrible voicemail I left her? Don't you think I deserve some bad press? And she needed some good press.
To sell her show.
Wait a minute.
You're talking about my kid.
Yeah,who stepped on your head to get what she wants.
Listen,I haven't been a great father.
You don't have kids,do you? No.
Do you want 'em? Okay,we're not here to talk about me,are we? I guess not.
Listen,I'm not evil.
But I wasn't there enough for her.
And I do drink sometimes.
And I get real pissed off.
And I break shit.
So if my kid wants to make a show that helps other kids deal with their crazy families, then I think it's a good thing.
Even if it's based on a lie? It won't be a lie because I'm gonna tell everybody it was my idea to do that,okay? That I told her to do it,that I made her do it.
It'll never sell.
It's my daughter.
She's 15,and she might have something here.
You know? It's her shot.
Don't you think that maybe you and i could work out something else? Why don't you just keep hammering me? I mean,I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible father.
Just keep roasting me.
I just need for you to promise that you'll leave her alone.
If you give me a bigger story,I will bury this one.
Okay.
Milan carlton.
She was a guest star on your show,right? The holiday special? Right? Okay,I want you to call her up.
I want you to tell her that you're having a really hard time with all this bad press you're getting, and it's just gonna get worse, and you need the name of her crisis pr person.
Not her regular guy,her specialist.
Okay.
I'll call her,and I'll get his name.
But I gotta tell you,there's no way in hell her crisis pr manager is gonna go on record with you.
That's okay,I just need his name.
Done.
dillon frawley+assoc P.
R.
Manger We know milan is using a crisis pr guru named dillon frawley.
Obviously,he's not gonna talk.
We need to find a way to get inside.
What you looking at? Yeah,you should look away.
You little rat,ya.
Bye.
you know what? Let's talk about wardrobe and makeup later,'cause-- I know how to dress little miss priss.
Let's just go over the interview,okay? Fine.
I'm tami G.
Milan,you've already been convicted of one driving under the influence.
Now you've been arrested a second time.
Why should you not go to jail? We're not gonna let her ask that.
You want her to ask that.
You want to answer the tough questions,or at least seem to,okay? So,why should you not go to jail? Well,first of all,I only had one glass of wine.
- And that on-ramp was barely marked.
I mean-- - no.
no.
no.
This is your answer.
Watch.
I clearly was not okay to drive that night.
I thank god nobody got hurt.
Yeah? I'm gonna thank god? Screw god.
No,honey,you can screw god off camera.
But on camera,trust me.
God is gonna set you free.
Listen to me.
You hired me so that I can tell you how to get the public back on your side.
It's a christian nation.
You want forgiveness? Admit your sins,turn it over to god.
I clearly was not okay to drive that night.
I just thank god I didn't hurt anyone.
Nice.
Very nice.
Now watch.
Screw god.
That's our cover.
lucy,the camera's hard drive,where did we get it? Sorry? Just if anybody sues or whatever,you know, I'd rather not go to jail.
Don,I always look out for you.
I know.
I got it from some disgruntled worker.
Could be secretarial,could be cleaning crew.
I'll cover you.
Besides,we're printing the truth.
They won't sue us because it'll just make them look worse.
Okay.
You're doing good,don.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
I think I figured out why you hate milan so much.
She's you.
I just gave you a really nice compliment.
She's all of us.
See,we're a nation of spoiled rich people.
Milan's just so extreme that it makes us feel better by comparison.
But really,she's just the part of ourselves we loathe.
That's why we need her.
Make us feel better,that's her job.
Well,she can't say the job doesn't pay well.
I don't think it makes her happy.
Well,if you think she's unhappy now,wait till she sees my next cover.
Yeah.
Lucy holt was on the pr guy's camera,too.
That little speech outside the club? No,no,no.
Is it a story? I didn't look.
I saw that he was on there,I didn't watch.
I figured it was up to you.
Okay.
Thanks.
- All right? - Thanks.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
You want to humanize,you know? You wanna focus on the people.
Julia was a real person with a family and a brother-- she didn't have a brother.
Sister.
Right.
You know what? Let's try it.
Watch.
To you julia mallory is a tabloid story.
But she was also a real person, with a mother and a father and a sister.
All right,julia wasn't just a tabloid story.
Nice,but open your arms.
You wanna be accessible.
- What-- no,no,just-- - you know what,forget it.
This isn't working.
No,no,you know what? I know it's hard.
It's awkward,but you gotta trust-- no,listen,you don't get it 'cause I don't give a shit.
- All right? - Come on.
Look,dude,I don't want to be molded.
You know,I'm just gonna let the chips fall.
Sorry for your time.
I'll pay you.
I wish you could've been there,buddy.
Man,there were so many rats,you could've dined out for weeks.
I miss having our little chats,man.
I do.
Please,please,please,I have something very important to say,shh.
I will be going to the far east to do some charity work, which is the one thing that will keep me sane.
With everything so negative here, I can do something positive there.
Where people aren't out to hurt you.
Maybe they'll appreciate me.
Thank you.
Milan? Milan? Hi,I'm christa darby.
Tune in to parent 911 starting next month.
I'll even have my own dad with me for my first show.
And,wow,we've had some issues,haven't we? We have? I don't recall.
You know the irony? It was all true.
I mean,everything he said on that first voicemail message.
His daughter is selfish and hollow.
Well,at least she came by it honestly.
Um,do you want dinner? I was gonna get some chinese.
In la? Well,I know this place on pico.
Really? I can'T.
It's past ten,and liz will kill me if I go out to dinner with somebody else instead of coming straight home.
I wasn't asking you out,farber.
I'm working late,ordering in.
Uh,I know.
Sorry.
Wellyour girlfriend is one lucky woman.
Thanks.
I wish she would say that.
I was being facetious.
Hello? Oh,hey,lucy.
Were you sleeping? It's three in the morning.
You seem to be sleeping a lot better since you got stabbed.
It almost makes it worth it,huh? It's good to sleep.
And yet,you're calling at 3 am.
Well,milan carlton's on tv.
I thought you oughta know.
Thanks,honey.
Was stopped by authorities when she took time out from her christian relief work to go topless on a beach in a nation where public nudity is illegal.
When police went through her handbag, they found a gram of cocaine in the socialite's makeup compact.
The country has a zero-tolerance policy for drugs, and the penalty for possession of cocaine is death.
Lucy,are they really gonna execute her? I already mocked up a "milan gets the needle" cover.
Well,actually,it would be a hanging.
Or a firing squad.
My cousin's in the state department.
He said I can be at the embassy when she's executed.
She's not gonna be executed.
She'll get off,like always.
Really? Well,maybe not like always.
It is a small nation in the far east,but she's milan.
They'll work something out.
Do you wanna bet? Good boy.
The government has decided to be merciful on miss carlton, and release her from prison After receiving three public lashes.
No! No! No! No! I'm sorry! Daddy! dirt exclusing milan's charity voyage' stings!! thanks to Ragbear