Doug (1991) s02e02 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar plays]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
YESTERDAY I WENT TO BUY PATTI
A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
I'D BEEN SAVING UP
MY MONEY FOR WEEKS.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET PATTI.
WOW! AN OFFICIAL MULTI-ULTRA-
MAXI-PRO TOURNAMENT BEETBALL!
6½, FOUR, FIVE
I CAN AFFORD IT.
PERFECT.
Skeeter:
HEY, DOUG!
YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK OU
THIS NEW 3-D VIDEO GAME, MAN.
I HAD SOME SPARE CHANGE
SO I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT?"
WHAT COULD IT HURT
TO PLAY JUST ONE GAME?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ game beeping]
Skeeter:
COME ON, DOUG, GRAB IT!
BAG IT! NAIL THAT NEEMATOAD!
WOW, YOU'RE
DOING GREAT, MAN!
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
[ Neematoad beeping]
WOW, I ALMOST GOT HIM!
I BET YOU'RE
THE HIGH SCORER.
LET'S SEE.
NOPE, NOT EVEN CLOSE.
GO FOR IT, DOUG.
MAYBE YOU'LL
MAKE THE LIST.
DO YOU THINK SO?
MY INITIALS?
IT MEANS
VIDEO IMMORTALITY.
[ playing "Tommy"-style
rock 'n' roll]
HEY, EVERYBODY,
HE'S GOING FOR IT!
HE'S GOING
FOR THE HIGH SCORE!
OH!
Kids:
OH!
[ whimpers]
Kids:
OH!
[ chanting:]
D.F.! D.F.!
Skeeter:
ALL RIGHT!
All:
D.F.! D.F.!
WHOA, YOU DID IT!
YOU MADE THE LIST!
Game:
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
WAY TO GO!
LET'S GE
A VICTORY SHAKE.
MY TREAT.
GREAT.
BUT FIRST I'VE GO
TO BUY PATTI'S PRESENT.
I'D LIKE TO BUY
AN OFFICIAL
MULTI-ULTRA-MAXI-PRO
TOURNAMEN
BEETBALL, PLEASE.
WOW! CAN YOU
AFFORD IT?
UH-OH!
[ gasps]
WHAT'S
THE MATTER?
OH, NO!
I SPEN
ALL MY MONEY.
I HATE I
WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
OH, MAN.
[ whimpers]
OH, BROTHER.
[ whimpers]
DO YOU HAVE ANY MONEY
I COULD BORROW?
[ grunting]
NO, I GOT MYSELF INTO THIS,
AND I'M GOING TO GET MYSELF OUT.
[ sighs with relief]
[ barks]
HELLO, DOUGLAS.
HEY, MR. DINK,
HEY, MRS. DINK.
WHY THE LONG FACE, DOUG?
I SPENT ALL THE MONEY I SAVED
TO BUY PATTI A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
HMM
OH, I'VE GOT IT!
NEXT TIME, DON'T LET I
HAPPEN AGAIN, BECAUSE
I'LL HANDLE THIS, DEAR.
DOUG, WHY DON'
YOU MAKE A PRESENT?
YOU COULD USE
BUD'S TOOLS.
ISN'T THA
RIGHT, DEAR?
WIFE TIPPY,
THAT'S A SUPERB IDEA.
BUT I CAN'
MAKE ANYTHING.
NO PROBLEMO.
WHY, ONCE I ALMOS
MADE SOMETHING
BUT I ENDED UP
BUYING IT.
THINK ABOUT IT.
[ laughing]
YOU'LL NEED TOOLS,
OF COURSE.
[ chuckling]
TA-DA!
WOW!
IMPRESSIVE,
ISN'T IT, DOUGLAS?
THIS IS ALL
TOP-OF-THE-LINE STUFF.
I'VE GO
"HOW-TO" BOOKS, TOO.
[ chuckling]
PLENTY OF IDEAS
IN HERE, DOUGLAS.
AND I'VE GOT SOME WOOD
SOMEPLACE.
WHOA!
I FOUND IT.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A GLIDER?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PATTI.
I MADE IT MYSELF.
OH, DOUG!
COME ON!
[ growling]
CONTACT.
THANKS, PORKCHOP.
WHOA!
[ laughing]
WHOO!
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
THIS IS THE
BEST PRESENT!
OH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE
SOMETHING I WHIPPED UP.
YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL!
CAN YOU TEACH ME
TO FLY THIS THING?
WHY, SURE HANG ON!
WHOA
[ laughing]
OH, DOUG!
OKAY, MR. DINK, LET'S GO FOR IT.
MAYBE NOT A GLIDER, BUT I'M
GOING TO MAKE SOMETHING.
[ chuckling]
WATCH THIS, DOUGLAS.
[ laughing]
OOPS!
WHOA,
LOOK OUT, DOUGLAS!
THOSE ARE REAL POINTY!
WHOA!
ROTARY SAW.
ROTARY SAW.
CLAW HAMMER.
CLAW HAMMER.
JELLY DONUT.
JELLY DONUT?
A GUY'S GOT TO EAT.
OH.
[ snoring]
HUH?
MR. DINK.
MR. DINK?
[ pounding at door]
I'VE CROSSED ENEMY LINE
TO BRING YOU FOOD
FROM OUR HOMELAND.
JUDY? YOU CROSSED THE DRIVEWAY.
SHH, THE ENEMY
IS APPROACHING.
AND TIME IS
OF THE ESSENCE.
GOOD LUCK!
WELL, HERE IT IS.
YOU MADE HER A SHEET? COOL!
IT'S UNDER THE SHEET.
SO THE SHEET'S
NOT PART OF IT?
NO.
TA-DA!
WOW, YOU'RE
GIVING PATTI YOUR DOG?
WHAT A GUY!
NO-- THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
"WHAT IS IT?"
CAN'T YOU TELL?
OH, YEAH, NEAT.
CAN YOU PLAY IT?
NO, IT'S A TOWEL RACK.
I KNEW THIS WAS A TOWEL RACK.
YOU MADE PATTI A TOWEL RACK?
THANKS, MR. DINK.
[ rock 'n' roll playing]
MY PRESENT LOOKS WEIRD.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE LUCKY, MAN.
HEY, I'M HERE!
WHAT'S THIS MONSTROSITY?
THAT'S FROM DOUG.
WHAT DID YOU BUY, FUNNIE?
HE DIDN'T BUY IT,
HE MADE IT.
MADE IT?
HEY, GUYS
LOOK!
FUNNIE MADE
HIS PRESENT.
IS I
A GIANT "L"
FOR "LOSER"?
[ all laughing]
HEY, PATTI, WHY DON'
YOU OPEN YOUR PRESENTS?
OKAY.
[ giggling]
Both:
HUH?
WHOA!
[ screaming]
THIS IS FROM CHALKY.
IT'S AN OFFICIAL MULTI-ULTRA-
MAXI-PRO TOURNAMENT BEETBALL!
THANK YOU, CHALKY.
[ chuckling]
SHE'S GOING TO HATE
MY PRESENT, SKEETER.
I'VE GOT TO GET IT BACK.
Patti:
THIS IS FROM SKEETER.
OH!
IT'S A MULTICOLORED,
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK BEETBALL.
AND THIS IS FROM BEEBE--
A FORMAL BEETBALL.
THANKS, BEEBE.
HUH?
WHY, THANK YOU, DOUG.
DON'T MENTION IT.
[ kids gasp]
Patti:
WOW! THIS IS GREAT!
HUH?
A BEETBALL CADDY
IS JUST WHAT I NEED.
BEETBALL CADDY?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT'S A
IT ISA BEETBALL CADDY.
COOL!
GREAT IDEA,
DOUG!
BEETBALL CADDY?
IT LOOKS LIKE
A TOWEL RACK TO ME.
SHOWS HOW MUCH
YOU KNOW, ROGER.
YEAH.
Patti:
I DIDN'T WAN
TO MAKE A BIG DEAL
BUT I LIKE YOUR GIF
BEST OF ALL.
REALLY?
SURE.
YOU MUST HAVE
WORKED HARD.
WOULD YOU MIND
PUTTING YOUR INITIALS
ON IT FOR ME?
SURE.
D.F.
WELL, MY HOMEMADE TOWEL RACK--
I MEAN, MY BEETBALL CADDY--
WORKED OUT.
PATTI REALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.
AS FOR THE
"BAG THE NEEMATOAD" GAME
I THINK I'LL LEAVE THAT FOR P.C.
PORKCHOP!
[ laughing]
[ barking]
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BA
THE NEEMATOAD, NOT CREAM IT.
[ laughing]
[ school bell rings]
[ cheering]
HEY, LET'S
GRAB A QUICK SHAKE
DOWN AT THE
HONKER BURGER.
GREAT IDEA, DOUG.
LUNCH DOESN'T LAS
IN MY STOMACH VERY LONG.
[ somebody whistles]
HERE, VALENTINE!
COME ON, BOY!
[ whistles]
OOPS!
I FORGOT, I'VE
GOT OTHER PLANS.
PLANS? WHAT PLANS?
ACTUALLY, I'M KIND OF
GOING OVER TO ROGER'S HOUSE.
SORRY, PAL!
[ laughing]
SKEETER? GOING TO ROGER'S HOUSE?
HEY, CHALKY,
HEY, BEEBE.
Both:
HEY, DOUG.
WANT TO HEAR MY NEW BEETS TAPE?
SURE, DOUG
MM, NO THANKS.
WE'RE BUSY.
OH MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.
SEE YOU.
SEE YOU.
Patti:
HEY, GUYS.
Doug:
OH, NO!
NOT PATTI, TOO!
HASTA LABYE-BYE, FUNNIE.
WHY IS EVERYONE GOING
TO ROGER'S HOUSE EXCEPT ME?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
DID I DO SOMETHING
TO MAKE EVERYONE HATE ME?
IS IT MY BREATH?
WELL, WHAT DO I DO?
ALL MY FRIENDS
HAVE ABANDONED ME.
EXCEPT YOU, PORKCHOP.
[ sighs]
HMM I BET QUAIL MAN
WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO
IF HE LOST HIS FRIENDS.
Announcer:
THE ADVENTURES OF QUAIL MAN
THE WORLD'S MOST
QUAIL-LIKE SUPERHERO
AND QUAIL DOG, HIS FAITHFUL
QUAIL-LIKE FRIEND.
[ both whistling]
OUR STORY BEGINS WITH
QUAIL MAN AND QUAIL DOG
FACING THEIR LATEST
FEARSOME CHALLENGE.
Quail Man:
STAND BACK, QUAIL DOG!
FORE!
AND NOW, LET'S CONQUER
THE DONUT HOLE.
[ chuckling]
BONJOUR,FELLOW WINKLADS.
WHY, HELLO, CITIZEN DINK.
CARE TO SEE MY LATEST CREATION?
WHAT IS IT?
A REMOTE-CONTROLLED
GOLF HOLE SENSOR?
NO.
IT'S THE OLD
EXPLODING GOLF BALL.
OH, BROTHER, WHAT A LOSER!
THAT'S FUNNY.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN MR. DINK
TO PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES.
HMM
TIME FOR
A NUTRITIOUS SNACK.
RIGHT, QUAIL DOG?
[ barks]
ZOMBIE CHIPS,
PLEASE.
AH, MY GOOD FRIEND,
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
WE WOULD LIKE TWO
BEET SHAKES, PLEASE.
YEAH? WELL, I'D LIKE
A NEW PAIR OF ROLLERBLADES
BUT I DON'
WHINE ABOUT IT.
OH, BROTHER,
WHAT A LOSER!
BESIDES, WE DON'
SERVE BEETS HERE.
HAVE SOME ZOMBIE CHIPS!
SAY, MOSQUITO
CARE TO DROP BY
THE THICKET OF SOLITUDE
TO PLAY QUAIL CHESS?
I'D RATHER KISS A MOVING TRAIN
THAN SPEND AN AFTERNOON
WITH YOU, FRAIL MAN!
OH, BROTHER, WHAT A LOSER.
[ laughing]
HMM, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE
ACTING INCREDIBLY STRANGE--
ALMOST LIKE MY ARCHENEMY,
DR. KLOTZENSTEIN.
IT MUST ADD UP.
Announcer:
We'll be back with
more of Wheel of Snacks
after these important messages.
Hi, gang!
I'm Dr. Klotzenstein,
host of Wheel of Snacks
AND WHENEVER I NEED
A REAL HUNGER FIX
I REACH FOR A BIG OLD BAG
OF ZOMBIE CHIPS!
[ cackling]
DR. KLOTZENSTEIN!
WHAT THE
Buy Zombie Chips.
Go buy Zombie Chips,
with the secret zombie formula
that will turn you
into my zombie slaves.
DON'T LOOK, QUAIL DOG.
HE'S HYPNOTIZING YOU.
Quail Man:
QUAIL DOG, STOP!
I MUST USE THE GRACE
AND SPEED OF THE QUAIL.
[ barks]
REMEMBER, KIDS,
THE QUAIL CALL IS NOT A TOY.
WE MUST USE OUR
QUAIL-LIKE POWERS
TO STOP KLOTZENSTEIN FROM
MAKING ANY MORE ZOMBIES.
[ barks feebly]
Announcer:
HAVING PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER
THEY FLY OFF TO DO BATTLE WITH
THE LOATHSOME DR. KLOTZENSTEIN.
Audience:
WHEEL OF SNACK FOOD!
ROUND AND ROUND WE GO.
WHERE HE STOPS, NOBODY KNOWS.
GREASY PUFFS!
I WANT THE GREASY PUFFS!
COME ON, GREASY PUFFS!
THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS,
GREASY PUFFS--
ANOTHER FINE JUNK FOOD SNACK
FROM KLOTZ FOODS
MAKERS OF ZOMBIE CHIPS.
[ laughing]
TOO BAD, MR. BONEHEAD!
TOO BAD FOR YOU,
DR. KLOTZENSTEIN.
QUAIL MAN?!
WHAT THE
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M HERE TO STOP YOUR EVIL PLAN.
OH, YEAH? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.
HMM, SAY, QUAIL MAN,
EVER BEEN ON TV BEFORE?
TV? ME? NO WAY.
SO, ALL SET TO PLAY
OUR LITTLE GAME?
THEN LET'S PLAY
All:
WHEEL OF SNACK FOOD!
[ cheering]
SO, WHAT SNACK FOOD WILL YOU
BE PLAYING FOR, QUAIL MAN?
HMM, HOW ABOUT THE
SPICY PORK ROLL-OVERS?
EXCELLENT CHOICE.
SPIN!
WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA.
[ laughing]
TOO BAD, QUAIL MAN.
AS A CONTESTANT,
YOU REALLY ARE A LOSER.
Audience:
LOSER! LOSER!
LOSER! LOSER!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL
FOR THE OLD "GLAMOUR OF
BEING A TV STAR" TRICK.
AND WITH QUAIL MAN
OUT OF THE WAY, FOLKS
I CAN TURN ALL OF YOU
INTO MY ZOMBIE SLAVES.
[ Klotzenstein laughing]
MUST USE QUAIL POWERS
TO STOP THIS THING.
[ growling feebly]
YOUR QUAIL TAIL--
IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE.
JUST FOR SHOWING UP,
ALL CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE
AN ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP
TO KLOTZLAND.
NICELY DONE, QUAIL DOG.
NOW IT'S TIME TO BEA
KLOTZENSTEIN AT HIS OWN GAME.
QUICK, FLY AWAY!
YES, KLOTZLAND!
IT'S A THEME PARK WHERE
YOU'LL WORK AS MY ZOMBIE SLAVES
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.
Quail Man:
THAT'S WHA
YOU THINK!
YOUR LITTLE GAME
IS OVER, KLOTZENSTEIN.
OH, BEETS!
I HATE BEETS!
THAT'S RIGHT,
KLOTZENSTEIN, BEETS--
THE ONE FOOD
WITH ENOUGH GOODNESS
TO COUNTERACT THE
JUNK FOOD ADDITIVES
IN YOUR ZOMBIE CHIPS.
HERE, EVERYONE,
EAT A BEET AND BE FREE!
BEETS: THEY'RE NATURE'S CANDY,
DON'T YOU KNOW.
[ munching and murmuring]
AND THEY'RE MY FAVORITE FOOD!
GOSH, QUAIL MAN,
WHAT HAPPENED?
I'M DIZZY AND I HAVE
BEETS ON MY BREATH.
WELL, MOSQUITO,
LET'S JUST SAY
THIS CONCLUDES
THE BROADCASTING DAY
FOR DR. KLOTZENSTEIN.
HEY, EVERYBODY, LET'S HEAR I
FOR THE ONE, THE ONLY,
QUAIL MAN AND QUAIL DOG!
NOW, NOW.
WELCOME BACK,
MS. MAYONNAISE, MR. VALENTINE.
FLY AWAY!
AND SO, QUAIL MAN AND QUAIL DOG
DEFEATED DR. KLOTZENSTEIN
AND WON THEIR FRIENDS BACK.
Doug:
THANKS TO THE POWERS OF
GRACE, SPEED, INTELLIGENCE
AND THE QUAIL TAIL.
THE END.
SAY, QUAIL MAN DIDN'
JUST MOPE AROUND.
NO WAY!
HE TOOK ACTION.
COME ON, PORKCHOP.
[ barks]
Roger:
WHO IS IT?
IT'S ME, DOUG.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, FUNNIE?
LISTEN, ROGER, WHAT'S
GOING ON AROUND HERE?
HOW COME YOU INVITED
ALL MY FRIENDS OVER HERE
AND NOT ME?
WELL, FUNNY FACE
COME IN AND WE'LL
TALK ABOUT I
MANO A MANO.
REALLY?
UH, OKAY, ROGER.
SAY, IT'S KIND OF DARK IN HERE.
AFRAID OF THE DARK, HUH, FUNNIE?
LET ME
TURN ON A LIGHT.
All:
SURPRISE!
HUH? WHAT'S GOING ON?
"DOUG'S FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY"?
IT'S BEEN
EXACTLY ONE YEAR
SINCE YOU MOVED
TO BLUFFINGTON.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT YEAR,
HASN'T IT, DOUG?
YOU GUYS DID ALL THIS FOR ME?
EVEN YOU, ROGER?
HEY, IT DOESN'T MEAN
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
IS THA
MUSTARD THERE?
HUH?
OW!
[ all laughing]
I GUESS IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU
YOU HAVE TO HAVE FAITH
IN YOUR FRIENDS
BECAUSE TRUE FRIENDS
WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN.
Skeeter:
HEY, DOUG,
WANT SOME GREASY PUFFS?
[ Porkchop barks]
Doug:
UH, NO, THANKS.